Late Night Musings with Adam

So just when I thought time was about to run out on Adam, he texted me in the middle of the night. And it just happened, I was awake. So we're chatting for a bit, and he suggests I come over. I'm like, "It's almost 4 in the morning..." and then this conversation happened. Sorry it's so long, but shit got a bit heavier than I anticipated and I want your thoughts.

So he must have passed out at this point, because our correspondence was getting more and more delayed, and since he told me he was probably gonna sleep another full day, I'm not surprised that I still haven't heard from him. I expect I will late tonight again. So since it HAS basically been 3 weeks since I've seen him, I feel like at this point, I would be totally fine with just not seeing him again. I mean not totally fine, but...it's not like I'd be smarting from rejection. I'm just not sure if that's really what this is? He said he'd be willing to try, I'm just not sure if he wants to. I dunno. The fact that we haven't seen each other in so long probably makes it easier for him to part ways as well. So part of me wants to give him another chance to be crazy about me, and part of me wants to just quit while we're ahead if this is going to be a waste of time. He seems like a great guy, and I like him, and I'd like to continue seeing him if this possibly has a future, but if he's not into it then....? Maybe it's just not meant to be. So what do you guys think?
P.S. "Murder Porn" means binge watching crime dramas lol.

I Guess This Is How It Ends

Brazil:

Listen,

I dont know who told you that, and Im not gonna kill myself trying to find out. that person is either misinformed or is trying something with you. Anyway, did I talk to stephanie recently? yes. Do I still have feelings for her? yes.

I have nothing but respect towards you, and I would never do something to hurt you purposely Peyton. Im not that much of an ass hole. If I wanted to, id have never mentioned the name of stepahnie, but i was always trying to keep you updated of what's going on, being honest.

It kills me you're hurting now because of me, it really does.You are a great girl, with a big heart You might not believe a single word im saying here, but i was really trying to make things work with you, and I really enjoyed alll the times we were together. I never meant to cause you pain, and i hate that everything is ending like this. I am a mess now, obviously not ready to start dating anyone, and I am sorry i frustrated you and made you waste your time. I was trying to make something work with someone new, and did not allow myself sometime to digest what happened in my last relationship.

I just want you to know I am very sad and bummed too, It was never my intention to hurt you...

I hope someday you'll forgive me, and maybe could be my friend. I understand if you dont.



Me:

((Sigh)) Ok, let me start by saying that I'm not mad anymore. And I don't want to scare you off or put you on the defensive, I just want to talk to you. I don't want to argue with you, or go back and forth about this, but just to clarify I am not mad at you for mentioning Stephanie to me. I am upset, because you were not completely honest with me about what was really going on between you and her. I thought I made it pretty clear how nervous it made me to be seeing you, full well knowing you were still hung up on her. That put me in a really horrible position because my feelings for you were getting stronger, and yet there was this constant nagging possibility of you just jumping ship to get back with Stephanie. But you told me that there was no chance you would get back together with her, because you knew she would treat you the same way again. And I took your word for it, because I had no reason not to. When Valentine's Day came and went and I didn't hear anything from you, I wasn't upset that you didn't text me or call me to wish me happy Vday, but I definitely did think about you, and I definitely did wonder if you would be thinking about her, or talking to her or seeing her. I guess it's my fault for being so naive.
I haven't been misinformed about anything, and to be honest, I'm not mad at you. I'm just really hurt, and really disappointed. I know you keep saying that you weren't using me, but the truth is that you were. Whether or not you realized or intended it, you were using me as an emotional resting place, a warm body to fill your time, and your bed, while you tried to work everything out in your head.
I'm a pretty perceptive person, and I've had a lot of experience with guys who lie, guys who cheat, guys who play games and have manipulated me. I'm not saying that you are any of those things, but it's taught me quite a bit over the years, maybe even made me a little paranoid, definitely made me very jaded. I know I seem "tough" as you like to say, but as you can see, I have a pretty good reason for coming across that way. I definitely don't feel tough now. I just feel like shit.
I *want* to forgive you, in fact, I wish I could just forget all of this ever happened. I care about you more than I even realized at the time. But now it just seems like you're more concerned with finding out who said what and when, than actually confronting the issue and dealing with it.
I'm sorry if I was mean, and yelled or whatever the other night. I know I have a tendency to scare people off by intimidating them and shutting down. But that was not how I wanted that conversation to go. I was hoping you would have taken that opportunity to just explain everything to me, instead of getting all defensive and denying everything.
I'm not dumb, [Brazil]. I'm actually pretty smart. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together. All this time you've been doing a lot of talking, and I've been doing a lot of listening, but I don't think you really learned all that much about me. So if you want to sit down and talk like rational adults, I'm all for that, but only if you agree to be 100% completely honest with me about everything. And of course, I will do the same. I won't judge you, or get mad about anything you tell me. We haven't been exclusive, and it was your prerogative to see other people. But I can't deal with lies, [Brazil]. That's where I have to draw the line, because how will I be able to trust you?? I haven't kept anything from you. And I feel like I've been really patient, and tried to understand your point of view, and the situation that you were in with Stephanie and just be supportive about everything. Have I not?
If you don't wanna talk, and you think this is just for the best, then that's fine. But if that's the case, then I think we should just cut off all communication. It will be easier that way.

Brazil:

Let me be very clear. I spent valentine's day alone. Mostly cause i had class that tuesday night. Second, because I did not feel comfortable enough spending valentine's with you cause i think that its a commitment by itself. For the record, yes, i was bummed that i was not with stephanie during that day. Just so you know, even if i wanted to, she was in Ohio doing training for her work. I know this cause she reached me every day while she was there.

The talks i have with her are mostly around this topic: She wants me but not as a boyfriend, and I always reply saying im not gonna be used again. It goes back and forth. there's a lot of shouting, finger pointing and very hurtful arguments. There was no sex, i wont be used like that again. You can believe this or not, but that is the truth.

IM not keeping anything from you Peyton. If i thought u were stupid i would have not seen you for all this time. i Also cant see this working anymore, not as long as i completely get over this devil that haunts me. I need time for myself.

I could never fall in love with anyone else, if i dont get over this first. Thats what i was trying to do. I was always attracted to you, and you made me laugh, you're beautiful, and you are funny too. It is reaching the point that im so anxious that im almost cracking up walking down the street. It is ridiculous how this affects me, idk if told u this before but Im even going to therapy because of it (please keep this between us).

I would be more than surprised if something between me and stephanie ever worked. I dont trust her, she has some very serious issues, and even though I tried helping, she has a problem and cant open up about shit. She will never be what i want her to be. Again, this is not your problem and I should not be bothering you with it.

Im not gonna go witch hunting here, to find out who told you this. All i want is for you to forgive me for wasting your time. It was an honest mistake, I was seriously trying, but I am all fucked inside. You deserve so much better than me, this is really bad timing and unfortunate.

Again, I am more than willing to talk to you at anytime as well, Id like for us to have the best relationship as we can possibly have. I just dont wanna hurt myself or anyone else anymore. It's been a really bad winter, and I cant wait till this bad period ends.

Me: you're being a bit vague. 
that is, it seems like you contradicted yourself a couple times, and i don't know what you actually mean

Brazil: what do u want to know?

Me: i want to know what you mean.
first you wrote "i Also cant see this working anymore" and then, "All i want is for you to forgive me for wasting your time" but then you said "Id like for us to have the best relationship as we can possibly have" which basically negates the first 2 things, so i'm just really confused
the only thing i know for certain is that you need to be alone for while
*a while


Brazil: what i was trying to say, is that yes I need to be alone for a while.

and

I dont want you to hate me forever, and think im a player, liar and cheater. You're the kind of person i want to keep close, even as just a friend (even if thats impossible for now)

I dont think im ready to give what you expect from me, aim towards a relationship

im not a scumbag

Me: i know you aren't

ready i mean

but i

am not going to just suddenly be your friend either

this isn't a business transaction

i mean...

Brazil: i dont think it is

Me: I don't know what you want me to say...
forgiveness is one thing, but an apology doesn't change the past. it doesn't undo the damage that's already been done

Brazil: this might be wrong time to say this. but I really really like you, and i respect you a lot. Do i like you more than as friends? Of course. I just dont think im ready to be dating anyone for now
and the last thing i want is to hurt you again, like i just did

Me:  you are where i was a little over a year ago

which is why i am so familiar with this situation
why do you think i ended up halfway across the country??

Brazil: what happened?

Me: it doesn't matter

Brazil: please tell me

Me: i don't really feel like it

Brazil: ok

Me: what difference would it make anyway?

you aren't ready to be with someone. you know it. and i know it.

but i am, or at least i was...

Brazil: true

Me: So that puts us on 2 different trajectories

Brazil: i agree

i just need to be able to fall in love again, but for that i need time

Me: so i think we should should just....go our own ways
love?! lol
don't count on it

Brazil: what?

Me: nevermind

Brazil: whats wrong with that?

Me: i guess you're not as incapable of moving on as you think you are

Brazil: im not saying ur in love with me, if that's what ur saying

Me: NO lol

thats not what i was saying

i'm saying that you still believe in falling in love, and assuming that, in having someone fall in love with you in return, you know, simultaneously

in my opinion, that doesn't happen in real life

Brazil: yeah, i believe in that

it happened to me

twice

Me: love is a word often used loosely

Brazil: to me love, is when you wnat to be wtih a person all the time, and would do anything for them

thats how i see it

Me: well, i don't really wanna talk about love

in fact, i think maybe we should just end this conversation before it gets...

i dunno

Brazil: weird? lol

i understand

well, if you ever feel like calling me, txting me , or talking to me, please do. Im never gonna shut you down, I just need some time for myself. Im sorry about everything, about this mess.

Me: i'm a little...emotionally unstable right now. i don't want to be held accountable for what i say.

Brazil: So am I. You're an incredible person Peyton.

Me: i hope you don't think i'm ok with this. nobody is skipping off into the sunset.

stop complimenting me

it doesn't matter what kind of person i am

in the end

does it?

Brazil: skipping to the sunset?

i didnt get that

Me: it's just an expression.

Brazil: well, alright. i hope u have a good night..

Me: right
i sure will

Brazil: what should i say? im not mr.happy here too ok? this sucks for both of us. i feel like a fucking asshole. i should just stop talkign now.... bye, sorry


God...I'd forgotten how much this hurts. How could I ever forget something like this?

Endure

I'm going to see him in an hour. I will definitely post when I get home from work tonight, which probably won't be till about 5am, but by tomorrow we'll all know what happens. ((Sigh))
Also, I just wanna clarify something, because Warren did point this out to me last night, which definitely doesn't excuse his behavior (!!!) but, I think it is a valid point worth mentioning. And that is that he and I are not exclusive. Also, Stephanie did dump him back in the beginning of December, and I'm pretty sure they never officially got back together. He just referred to her as his gf in that conversation because obviously that girl didn't know anything about their history. So I guess Brazil was just trying to see if he could work things out with Stephanie, because she said she wanted him back. But of course, the fact still remains that he lied to me about it. And that's the bottom line. So I'm not going to be cutting him any slack. Wish me luck. :/

I see our fate, I see our past
And all the things that could not last
It’s heavy on these eyes, frozen as I hold this photograph
It’s all we’re left that’s of any worth
And it’s so much more than a thousand words
Now in this frame is our only way we can endure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baby Steps

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What Should I Expect?

Things with Brazil and I have been going very well. Almost...too well? Lol maybe I'm just being weird, but I can't help but waiting for the other shoe to drop. He says he enjoys my company more and more every time he sees me, and when I'm busy with school, which is pretty often these days, he asks, "Well when am I gonna see you?" Lol. It's sweet! Although, one of my readers, Janelle, has brought up an interesting point in the comments. It doesn't really seem like we are taking it slow, so...what are we doing? I mean he's told me a couple times that he wants to go slow, but it doesn't seem like we are, so I don't know what that means. I think I'll ask him...
Anyway, Valentine's Day is coming up ((barf!)) and it's starting to make me nervous because I don't know what or if I should expect anything? I don't mean like gifts or anything, I never expect stuff like that. But I mean I don't know if he's gonna want to hang out, or just pretend V-Day doesn't exist? I just don't know!
What I do know is that this might be the most honest "relationship" (for lack of a better word) that I've ever been in. I don't have to worry about ever walking on eggshells, or saying the wrong thing to him because he doesn't play games with me! He tells me what he wants, and what he's thinking, and I do the same. But this situation is a little hairy...I don't want to bring up Valentine's Day to him, because then he's automatically going to think I want or expect something. But I don't wanna tell him like, "Oh, let's not celebrate Valentine's Day" either, because if he does want to do something, I don't wanna discourage him either! ((Sigh))

Ok he and I are having a facebook conversation right now (he's at work) about taking it slow, and he what he means by it. Lol. Here ya go:

Me: Hey are you busy? I have to ask you something.

Brazil: ask!


Me: well a while back you told me you wanted to take things slow, but I don't really feel like we are...do you?? lol. I guess I just wanna know what your definition of "take it slow" is.

Brazil: mmm 
Brazil: idk 
Brazil: lol

Me: lol well i don't know either!

Brazil: i guess we are. I mean, we're not seeing each other everyday... there are no big commitments made... we're kinda taking it day by day i'd say

Me: well no...but i don't see any one person EVERY DAY. except Jasper

Brazil: haha right


Me: hmmm
Me: well i'm happy with the way things are now, but if you meet someone else, i want to know. especially if you start seeing someone else, because...that would be weird.

Brazil: oh yeah, fair enough!
Brazil: of course id say
Brazil: i have lots of consideration for u
Brazil: to be quite honest, i feel like im getting to know u, and feeling the ground to see if we're compatible... i like what i see so far, thats all i can say
Brazil: meeting someone else its not on the agenda so far btw.. lol


Me: so how do you know if someone is compatible or not??

Brazil: time

Me: well yes, obviously, but i mean...how do you know? lol
Me: i feel like that's something i know right away. but your definitely of compatible might be different than mine

Brazil: i'll say this, im kinda of afraid of being mega committed right now, you know why, but at the same time im not going to go out and start seeing other people as if i was mega available, you know what i mean?
Brazil: im not that clueless
Brazil: lol

Me: You say "mega" alot. lol.


Brazil: cause its MEGA!!! :P

Me: lol you're ridiculous.
Me: ok so what you're saying is, you don't want to make a commitment to anyone, but you're not acting like you're available either
Me: am I right?




Brazil: im saying i dont want a huge commitment right now, Im still dealing with shit, and even though every day things get easier, and i get more light headed, Im still getting back to normal. Yes, im not gonna go out hooking up to anyone ramdomly if thats what ur asking
Brazil: right now, im going out with you, and If i ever felt interested or felt the need to see someone else, you'd be the first to know


So there you have it, my friends. Thoughts?

Rebound

So the other night after I blogged, I heard back from Brazil. He wanted me to come over and smoke with him. I hadn't smoked in a while, so I said sure. So I powdered my nose, spritzed on a little perfume and headed over there. I already knew he lived right down the street from Sophie and Brent, but it was my first time going to his place.
When I got there, he led me down some stairs, to a cozy little one bedroom apartment. We sat down on his couch, and he put on some tunes and loaded a bowl. We smoked a little and started talking about you know, whatever, small talk. Then the weed started to kick in. And all this time, I'd been thinking about all the stuff I really needed to talk to him about, and how I wasn't even going to kiss him until we'd actually had a conversation. So when he tried to kiss me, I stopped him.

"What? You're not going to kiss me?"

I couldn't help but giggle, in my present state of mind.

"Not yet. I wanna talk to you first."

"About what?"

"Well...I feel like maybe you've gotten the wrong impression of me."

"What do mean? I feel like I'm still getting to know you."

"Yes. You are, but..." I was having a hard time articulating what it was I wanted to say to him. And he kept looking at me very intensely and it was making me laugh. Lol.

"Look, I promised I would be honest with you, so whatever you want to know, just ask." He took my hand and I couldn't help but smile.

"Well, there are just a few things I want to be really clear about."

"Ok..."

"I just...um...I don't like to play games, I know I already told you that, but I just hate feeling like there are things that I wanna say, but I can't because you know, I'm not supposed to or whatever, and I just don't want you to think-"

"You're worried that I think you're easy or something?"

"No! Well...sort of, but probably not in the way that you're thinking"

"Cuz I don't think that all! Quite the opposite actually. I think you're really tough."

"Just...let me finish. Sorry it's taking me so long to say this. This whole conversation is seeming like it's a much bigger deal than it really is just because I'm high and I can't talk." I laughed, again. Lol.

"Well it's nice to see you smile, and to see you laugh." He smiled at me and tried to kiss me again, but I still wouldn't let him.

"Stop!" I said through giggles.

"What? You don't wanna kiss me?"

"It's not that I don't wanna kiss you! I just wanna finish this conversation first."

He sighed, "Ok."

"Ok. So what I was saying was, I'm just not a very patient person, and I like to know what's going on, because I feel like I don't want to just wait around for something that's never going to happen. I mean I can be patient, if I know I'm actually waiting for something, in the end, but...

"I know what you mean, and I know things seem to be moving kind of slow, but that's just because school started this week for me, and I've got my surgery Thursday..."

"No, no, that's not it. I think the pace is fine, it's not that! I just...I don't want to be your rebound."
He paused as if he was really thinking about what I'd said.

"I...never thought about it that way."

"Well, of course you didn't. And that's exactly why I have to think that way. It's just...I know you recently got out of a relationship, and my last breakup was...messy and confusing, and it took me over a year to get over it, and if you have any residual feelings for your ex, then I just don't want to get in the middle of that. I don't just wanna be that girl that's distracting you from the way you really feel about her."

"Listen, I know I have some stuff to deal with still, but I don't have feelings for her anymore. I mean I'm still upset about what happened, but I've moved on to a new chapter in my life, and I'm looking ahead. She's just driving me crazy because she broke up with me but now she wants me back! And she's saying she regrets everything, and putting all this pressure on me and it's just annoying! I mean I don't understand why she did it in the first place. It's like, 'You broke up with me!'  And you know it's like the first time I was dumped, that's the worst, right?" (He laughed at his own joke there and I smiled), "It's just...bothersome. I don't have feelings for her anymore like that. I'm sorry for making you deal with all my baggage."

"Don't apologize. You're not making me do anything. I wouldn't be here if I didn't wanna be."

And then he leaned in and I let him kiss me, finally. And then we talked, smoked, laughed and played some more. And then I asked him to play me a few songs on the guitar. He's really good too! So hot...and then finally, we had sex. And OMG he is like really, really good in the sex department! I mean last time when he went down on me was...wow, but the sex was...also wow. I mean he is very well endowed first of all, and second he's so...passionate, and uninhibited, and so in sync with me. He's not a selfish lover at all. He's very eager to please. It was amazing. Then we laid there and just talked for like hours! Mostly about music, but about other stuff too. And finally we went to sleep, in each others arms. ((Sigh)) It was wonderful. I really like him. I really feel like this could go somewhere. It all just seems so...effortless.


Tonight I went to dinner and then the improv theater with Sophie to see a couple shows. And guess who I saw there?? Lane. It was only a little bit strange. He looked good. We exchanged "hey how are yous" and that was about it. I wondered what it would be like to date him again, and then I thought of Brazil and just smiled to myself at my good fortune.
Anyway, Sophie and I had a lot of fun. One last hoorah before school starts Monday. Then things are gonna start getting hectic for me again. I hope Brazil and I can still manage to find time to hang out.
So just one question for all my readers out there... Do you believe Brazil? About the ex thing I mean? Or should I be more cautious?

Just Fade Away...

Today, after work, I met up with one of my coworkers from the bar, Aaron, for coffee. Aaron is probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. And he's insanely goofy! He recently got married, and he gives really good advice, and he and I were working behind the same bar this past Saturday, and started having a conversation that we didn't get to finish. So he suggested we meet for coffee. And yes, the conversation was about Brandon.

We talked for about two and a half hours, and it was probably the best conversation I've had with anyone on the topic so far. He really peeled away all the crap that's covering Brandon, and our relationship, and showed me what's underneath. He gave me advice on what I should do, and how I should behave at work, and he gave me his opinions on Brandon, and on my situation. And I really feel a lot better now.

Even though I've known for a while that Brandon and I aren't meant to be together, the lingering feelings I had just kept pulling me back. Because in the very beginning of our relationship, things were great! And I was just clinging onto that for some reason. But, Brandon hasn't been the person I fell in love with , in a long time. In fact, since then he's become selfish, mean, and competitive to the point where things at work become tense. And, as Aaron pointed out, the reason is because he has convinced himself that he is the best. He doesn't want anyone to be better than him, and he doesn't give himself room to improve because he thinks he's already the best. Which is why he doesn't like anyone correcting him at work. But he's forgotten the most important thing. To be the best, you have to be the best person that you can be, and you have to be well-rounded in doing so. You have to want to be the best friend, the best boyfriend/girlfriend, the best brother, sister, son, daughter, father or mother. Not just the best bartender. Not just the best golfer. And Brandon never cared to be the best boyfriend to me, because that would have required him to make some sacrifices. And he's so wrapped up in himself, that he doesn't want to do that.

I never thought about it that way.

Aaron also pointed out that Brandon's juvenile behavior the other night was just a play to get a reaction out of me. And it worked! And he says if I just accept Brandon, not ignore him, not be overly friendly, but just accept him, it will help me to move on, and it will drive him nuts. And if I just don't give in, he'll end up making a fool out of himself, which will be unattractive to me, and help me get over him. Because he wants to get attention from me, he wants to get a reaction out of me. He likes knowing that I still care about him. And I cannot, under any circumstances, give him that satisfaction. And he's gonna jab at me a few times, maybe even do something drastic, like make out with a girl in front of me, to try to get a reaction, but I just have to be strong, and not give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. And eventually he'll just fade away....

We talked about a lot more things, but overall, I learned that I just need to tell myself, and everyone else, that I don't care, and truly mean it, because I know he's not what I want. And it's not going to be easy, but I'm on my way. ((Sigh))

So...hopefully I can stay in this frame of mind that I'm in right now. And I'm really thankful to Aaron for taking the time to sit and talk with me. He and I don't really hang out too much, because he works 2 jobs, and he's married and all. I do hang out with his wife, Trina every now and then. They're like the perfect couple. I mean, obviously nothing is perfect, but they are one of the best models for a relationship of anyone I know. So, I think if anyone can give good relationship advice, it's Aaron.

Well, I don't really have anything else exciting to report. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm getting through this. I am determined to get through this! And hopefully, once I'm back to my old happy-go-lucky self again, the right guy will come along.

First Interview

Well, I finally said something to Brandon. I just couldn't take it anymore! I called him last night, I was a little tipsy, so the liquid courage might have had something to do with it. And I asked him what was going on, and if he'd changed his mind about us. And he said no, he's just been doing his own thing. And so have I. Which is what I told him. I just said that I wanted to make sure he wasn't having second thoughts, because I wasn't sure he'd tell me if that was the case, and I just don't wanna invest anything more into this for nothing. He said he hasn't changed his mind, he's just been busy, and that was that! Short, sweet, and to the point. Although I'm totally not buying the "I've been busy" excuse. He's pushing me away, which I knew. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't something more serious. We talked for about 15 minutes after that, and yes, we're still on for dinner tomorrow night. I decided on a salmon dish, with pasta and basil cream sauce. I'm excited! I did all my shopping today, so I'm prepared!

Tomorrow morning is my dreaded interview. Not only is it going to be pouring down rain tomorrow morning, but the commute is probably gonna be like an hour! Which means I'm gonna have to leave at like 7am. Ugh... I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to get to sleep tonight! My usual bedtime is somewhere around 4am! ((Sigh)) I'll just be so glad when this is over.

I was invited to a pumpkin carving party Wednesday night, and Summer, Ben, Taryn and Ali, and a bunch of my other friends are gonna be there. I'm looking forward to it. It's my night off! I'm also supposed to go to dinner with Law School sometime this week. He got a new job, apparently, and we haven't hung out in a while, so he said he wants to catch up. And he's buying! So I told him, definitely. I was thinking about inviting him to the pumpkin party, and maybe we could grab dinner beforehand. But I dunno, that might be too...date-like. Or maybe I'm just being ridiculous. We'll see.

Well, I guess I should be getting to bed. Argh. I'm going to sleep with my fingers crossed!

New Horizons

Well, our dinner date was definitely still on. Brandon just had a lot of stuff going on during the day. As for his drinking Saturday night, he told me he just had a really great time at the wedding! And...that's it! So I can't really judge, I mean... I've been known to have a good time and get drunk myself.

So anyways, Brandon came over around 8:30, groceries in tow, and he got right down to business! He made pasta with a homemade meat sauce, complete with ground turkey, fresh mushrooms and tomatoes, and spices. It was soooo good! We also had garlic croissants, and for dessert, he brought over Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns, which is now my favorite ice cream of all time!

After we ate, we settled down on the couch, and watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. To be honest, I was surprised he chose that movie, seeing as it's a total chick flick, and it didn't get the greatest ratings. But I love Jennifer Garner, so I still liked it. And it was kind of fitting. I mean, a guy who's afraid of falling in love, realizes he's been wasting his life having fun, and sleeping around... And then one day, he wakes up and realizes what he's truly been missing out on.

After the movie, we went to bed. And we talked.

First, he asked me about my Facebook. He doesn't have a Facebook, and apparently some people have asked him about me, and my status updates. They were pretty depressing at times, I suppose. I assured him that I had never written anything bad about him, and told him he was welcome to look! So I showed it to him. And he read one of my notes. And it was just a note about...being alone. I watched his reaction as he read it, and I could tell he genuinely felt...sad.

"You have alone issues, don't you?" He asked.

"Maybe...but you have commitment issues!" I said.

He sighed.

"Peyton, you're not alone. And no matter what happens between us, I will always be here, if you ever need someone."

He took my hand, and we just laid there, in the dark for a while.

Then we talked about our lives, and what we want. I told him that it's not necessarily a husband I'm searching for, it's companionship. It's not being alone, that I'm afraid of, it's ending up alone. I mean, I see what Sophie and Brent have, and they are like best friends, who do everything together, travel the world... And I want that.

"Aren't you ever afraid of being alone?" I asked him.

"No, but I'm alone all the time."

"No, I mean, don't you want somebody there for you at the end?"

"Well, yea...." He said, "I just...how do you know, when you're ready for that?"

"You just know." I said, and I thought to myself that I know, because as soon as I realized I was tired of this bar industry, and ready to have a real job, and get my own house, that I'm ready to settle down. But that's something Brandon is going to have to figure out on his own.

"Well you'll get that, Peyton. I know you will." He said.

There's just a part of me that really wants that with him. But we have a long way to go. And we're taking it slow. Which is the best thing for right now.

I vented to him a little about my work situation, too. I mean, I feel so stuck!

"You're not stuck." He said.

"Yes, I am! I can't quit, because I don't have enough money saved up right now, and...I have to find another job first! So now I'm looking for not just one job, but two!" I huffed.

"It's all gonna be okay. Just...think positive. Everything will work itself out." He said.

"You sound so sure..." I said.

"Because I am sure." He said.

I rolled over and sighed, and Brandon put his arm around me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yea. I'm okay." I said.

And we went to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms.

This morning, I got up and made us cinnamon rolls. We ate quickly, and then we both left, cuz I had to take my mom to physical therapy. I sent him a text message after he left that said, "Thanks for dinner! It was really good!"

And he wrote back, "You're welcome. I really enjoyed our time together last night."

:)

After my piano lesson, I went over to Mark's house to meet up with Summer, Ben, and Mike for food and football. Mark makes the most amazing mashed potatoes! And he grilled steaks and asparagus. All in all, a delicious meal, 2 nights in a row! Afterwards, we played pool, and drank wine, and discussed what we're gonna start doing with our Sundays, now that Mark put the boat to rest for the season. We had a cold front come through this week, and next weekend is supposed to be cool as well. So no more boat trips. :(

We have yet to figure out what we're gonna do. Lol.

So, I do have some news on the job front! Mark, from my old job called me today. He asked me if I wanted to come back! And I said, well...yes! But I told him I wasn't sure if Mr. P. and Blinn would go for it. But he said he's gonna talk to them, and he asked me if working with Brandon would be a problem. I told him most likely not, I mean, we're getting along now and trying to be friends. But I also told him I didn't wanna push my luck, and it would probably be best if we didn't work side by side, and he said of course, and that wouldn't be a problem. So now I just have to wait to hear back from him and find out what Blinn and Mr. P. say about it. I have to admit, it would a relief to go back to my old bar. I mean, I really miss everybody, and after going somewhere else, I've realized that they really are good people to work for. Probably the best in the Houston bar industry. So we'll see.

After our conversation, I got to thinking about what it would be like working with Brandon again. And I actually kind of started to freak out. Like...what if it screws everything up?? I mean, things are going so well between us right now, and I don't want us working together to ruin it! And what about the way things were before?? I mean, he used to always ignore me at work, and it drove me crazy. He'd say it was cuz he was at work, and he's serious about work yada yada.... But then when we'd go in the back to count money after work, he'd act...distant, and weird. I just don't want to slip back into our old habits again! And working together, it'll just be so...so much like before! This, now, is different. Our situation is different. My situation is different. ((Sigh))

So I talked to Summer about it while we were eating dinner at Mark's.

"He doesn't even work that much! I mean...you guys should be fine. Just ask to work at a different bar." Summer said.

"True..."

I mean, he does only work like 2 or 3 days a week. So, I might just be freaking out about nothing. But next time Brandon and I hang out, I'm definitely gonna mention it to him. Because this is really important to me. My job, and my relationship with Brandon are important to me. And I don't want either one affecting the other in a negative way. Not again.

But I might just be getting ahead of myself. I haven't even heard from Mark yet. Hopefully he'll get back to me by tomorrow. Sooo...wish me luck!

Fresh Start

We talked. I laid out everything for him. I asked him if he was still considering getting back together.

He said yes.

So I told him that I wanted to take it really slow and get to know each other better as friends, because I can't trust him with my heart right now. And I told him I'd be willing to put the past behind me, and forgive him, if and only if, he would completely stop talking to those 2 girls. And he said ok.

Simple as that.

"Ok."

I almost can't believe he agreed to it so readily.

Bethany says that means he cares a lot more about me than them. I guess she's right.

I asked him about the girls. I didn't tell him I went through his phone, but I asked him about them. What his relationship was with them. He said he spent some time with them, got to know them and "they're nobody". Those were his exact words.

"They're nobody."

((Sigh))

So. Here we go.

I realized that I really don't know how to be Brandon's friend. But I want to learn. And I want him to learn how to be mine.

After our conversation, Brandon said he needed to go, had errands to run, etc. But then he stayed another 20 minutes. Said he had to go again...stayed another 20 minutes. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave. But I had errands to run too, so we both left at the same time. He gave me a hug goodbye and that was it.

As for everything else...I like to think that I'm starting fresh.

And on that note, let me just lay down the law here for a second.

When I write this blog, I'm writing for brain clarity, reflection, venting, enjoyment...lots of reasons. But keep in mind, these are MY THOUGHTS. And obviously, they're not always pure, or right, and obviously not everyone is going to agree with them. And feel free to disagree! But don't judge. No one has that right.

Because when this blog stops being enjoyable, I'll stop writing.

The Right Thing To Do

I slept all day for the past 2 days. I didn't eat, or leave the house, except to go to work. I would wake up from time to time, let the dog out, feed him, and then just go back to bed. Because when I was wake, I was being haunted by my thoughts. And sleep was the only peaceful thing I could do to pass the time.

Today, I got up at 5:30 to start getting ready for work, and as soon as I got out of the shower, I had a text message from Brandon.

"Just wanted to say hi!"

"Really. Tell your slore I said what's up." I responded, sardonically.

"I'm at my sister's place." He said, "Summer says hi."

I didn't respond.

"Anyways, ok I guess I will leave u alone." He wrote.

"Don't say that. I was hoping you could tell me about your latest sexual conquest." I wrote back. I couldn't help myself.

"Well lets see, I woke up, with nobody next to me, went to the gym and came over to my sister's place to drop off something! Now I'm talking to you. That's my day." He said.

"Hmmm sounds nice. Last night, I went home with a 45 year old man. Aside from his beer gut and hairy back, the sex was GREAT!"

I couldn't contain my bitter sarcasm anymore at this point. Obviously I did NOT go home with a 45 year old last night, I just...wanted to prove a point.

"Well that's great to know!!" He said.

"Isn't it though?? Gosh, this is definitely the beginning of a great friendship! I can already tell!!"

"I'm trying to be your friend, but you're not letting me."

"Friendship requires respect. Maybe you should try looking at the situation from my POV. I mean, who are you trying to fool, Brandon? You don't really want to be my friend."

"I'm not trying to fool anybody! And I do want to be your friend." He argued.

"Well I don't know what I want. I'm scared of you." I said.

"You should not be scared of me, Peyton! I'm not a monster!"

"Really? Then what are you?"

"I'm Brandon."

"And that's exactly why I'm scared of you."

"I'm sorry!"

"Shouldn't you be worried that your new slore won't like you talking to me anyways?"

"No, I'm not worried about that. She's not my girlfriend. Slores, or whores don't care about that crap!"

"Right. What was I thinking? And here I thought you had more self respect than that."

"I do!"

"Then how could you jump into bed with some slut when we've only been broken up for like 6 weeks? How could you do that? How could you just forget about me so quickly."

"I never forgot about you. And the way things went with us, I figured you were long gone!"

"Long gone?? Like it even would've made a difference!"

"I think it would have, but since I said all those things to you...I figured I messed up too much!"

"So what are you saying?? That you would have wanted to get back together??"

"Yea, I have given it some thought but I did a lot of damage to you."

"What do you think this is a game??? Why would you say those things if you didn't mean them, and if you meant what you said, then why would you want to be with someone you had so little respect for?"

"I respected you, I'm not taking back what I said, you just took my words the wrong way!"

"((Sigh)) Well now I need to know what tense we're speaking in, Brandon. How do you feel NOW."

He didn't respond for like 5 minutes. Then finally:

"I have to work right now. I will talk with you later."

I didn't respond. But when I got to work, Summer told me she asked him if he would get back together with me, and he said yea, but he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him. Or something along those lines.

((Sigh))

My head is reeling. I don't even know how to process all this information. And I don't know when this conversation of ours is going to take place, and I have NO idea what I'm going to say, or what he's going to say.... What if he does wanna get back together? Should I??? I mean, I know I want to. I'm still in love with him. I always have been. But...I can't bear to be put through this again. It's slowly killing me. And I mean...he slept with someone else!! I can't easily forget about that! I'm doing everything in my power right now to not find out who she is and put her on TheDirty! And I dunno if he's right for me, I just...don't know!

All I know is, I love him, and I miss him terribly, and I've been really unhappy since we broke up. But he's the reason I'm unhappy! And I can't just forget about everything that happened!

UGh....

I already know what you all are going to say. Don't get back together with him. He's done this too many times, he'll just do it again. I know, I know, I know! Because logic is already telling me all those things. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do the right thing. Especially when I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is.

The End

Brandon and I finally talked last night.
A friend of mine who works at a bar near by told me she had seen him the night before, and that he told her we broke up, and it was "all me" and that he was sad. I flew off the handle and texted him. Asked him why he would tell people that I broke up with him when it was complete bullshit.
We texted back and forth for a while. Then he finally called me.
I yelled on the phone with him for a good 15 minutes.
I can't even remember everything that was said.
I don't even wanna try to remember.
All I know is that I feel so...alone.
He really just...doesn't want me.
I guess I've sort of been in denial about it all this time. Hoping that maybe there was some other underlying reason. But I've been lying to myself.
He said it was there once, but it's just...gone.
He said a bunch of other really hurtful things to me too. But then, I said some mean things as well.
After our conversation ended, I sent him a text that said,
"You know...I really wish I could feel better about all this. But for some reason, I still feel like I've lost something precious to me, even though you don't feel like you've lost anything. I honestly wish things didn't have to end this way."
And then he wrote, "I lost you!"
"No you didn't. You didn't lose me. You threw me back."
"I can't do anything to make it better!"
"You're right. There really isn't anything you could do to fix this. Ever. That's why this is so hard for me. But...I honestly believe that I could have made you happy, if you would have just let me."
"I'm sure you have have, but I fucked up too much with you"
I didn't respond to that one. Then he wrote back again.
"Peyton...I don't want you out of my life!!"
"Then you shouldn't have cut me out of it."
"I know I have me to blame for that."

That was the end of it.
I'm so heartbroken. All over again.
Why did I have to love him??

I'm putting in my 2 weeks when I get to work today. No deals, no persuading me to stay. This is it. I have to remove myself from this situation once and for all.

Aniticipating Distraction

Well, this weekend was...interesting, to say the least. So I'm gonna work my way backwards...
Last night I had a dream that Brandon and I got back together...that we talked, well mostly he talked, and I listened, and we kissed and...everything was good again. ((Sigh)) I woke up way too early, thinking about him, and wondering if he thinks about me, and wanting to call him, text him...
Of course, I didn't. But it was just so...heart wrenching. Because I wish so bad, that I could have that. A dream come true.
But I know it's not right. Not meant to be. We can't go back. Ever.
((Sigh))
Work last night was uneventful. Brandon hasn't made any more attempts to talk to me. And now I wish he would. Even though I still probably wouldn't listen. It would just be nice to know that he still cared on some level.

Friday night was actually, pretty good!
Ali and I got a little tipsy behind the bar. Lol. It was so slow, and I was...well you know. Working with Brandon.
So, my blast from the past, Mike, came into my work again that night. And he and I took some shots together, and we just kind hung out for a bit.
"So, Peyton! When are we gonna hang out? You know, like...really hang out?" He asked.
"What do you mean?? You've got my number!" I said.
"No! I don't actually! I mean, I thought I did, but I don't!"
"Ok, ok, well here!" I said, as I jotted my number down on a scrap of paper, "Now you don't have any excuses!"
"Awesome! I won't lose it!" And he folded it up and put it in his shirt pocket.
He left soon afterwards, but I'm sure I haven't heard the last of him.

Not too long afterwards, I served this really mysteriously sexy guy a couple times. He was really...quiet, and under the radar, ya know? Very intriguing... So when he asked me to close his tab, I made sure to look at his credit card, and get his first name. Logan. Then I wrote him a little note, and slid it into his check presenter.
"I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and give you my number..." And I left him my number!

Then last night, he texted me!! I was at work though, so I didn't get it till like...4am. But it said, "Hey what are you up to tonight?"
And then, "Sorry, I forgot you didn't have my number... This is Logan from last night. You wrote your number on my tab."
So I wrote him back, much later, "Well hello, Logan! Sorry, I just got your text. I know you're probably passed out by now, but I am still at work!"

Well, it is now 9pm the next day, and I never heard back from him again, so... Who knows? Maybe he'll never call! But, at least I put myself out there! Right?
Oh, and Mike Facebook messaged me today! He wants me to go watch his band next Thursday. I told him I'd try to make it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get off work.

Jasper's been sick the past week. He's had like...chronic, explosive diarrhea! I mean...literally, he can't make it through the night! And I've been losing sleep, because I keep having to get up and take him out, or get up and clean up his kennel, because he shat all over it. ((Sigh))
So I got up yesterday morning, after only 4 hours of sleep, and took him to the vet. Then I spent the entire day worrying about him, because the vet tech said he would need a parvo test. Ugh...
He ended up being fine in the end. Just stressed from moving. They gave him some antibiotics, and they're already starting to work!

So I guess, all in all, my weekend has been really...up and down. Every time I think I'm starting to move on, or...learn to live without Brandon, I get knocked down again. Something always happens! ((Sigh))
Hopefully a distraction will come soon.
Austin next weekend! I can't wait!!

FML.

I finally gave up on trying to get hold of Brandon yesterday, so I emailed him. I put down in writing, everything I needed to say, so that I wouldn't forget any of it. This is what it said,
"Brandon,
There's only so much I can take. I feel like I've completely let my guard down for you, totally opened my heart, and I've tried and tried to make you happy, and it's never enough. You never respond! I mean, what about MY happiness?? You're not being fair to me. Not calling me for 3 whole days?? I mean, I don't expect a lot from you, I really don't. But you give me nothing. You won't call me, you won't go anywhere with me, not even to a wedding.. You just let me sit here, and wonder why I'm not good enough, what I'm doing wrong. I overanalyze everything I do. I change everything about the way I act around you, because you don't like it. I see all these girls that you've been with, and they're all beautiful.. Am I not pretty enough? Why don't you ever want to have sex with me? Why don't you ever initiate ANY kind of physical contact with me??
I constantly feel insecure about our relationship, and the way you feel about me, because you never TELL me. You never SHOW me. You don't call, you don't miss me, you don't even like touching me. This completely breaks my heart, do you realize that?? Something isn't adding up. I want to know, point blank what you feel. I'm not asking for a proposal, this has NOTHING to do with the future, so don't even bring that up. It has to do with RIGHT NOW. The way you're treating me RIGHT NOW TODAY. If you don't want to be with me, then you need to tell me. Am I wasting my time loving you?? Quit stringing me along if you don't want me. And if you DO want me, start acting like it. Stop making me worry, stop making me cry. Just stop what you're doing, for like 5 seconds and think about me!! About MY feelings!!
How would you feel if I never wanted to do anything you were interested in? If I resented that you played golf? I have been so supportive and understanding, of your golf, your stupid illegal activities, your busy schedule, EVERYTHING! So why do you keep shitting on my feelings? It's not fair Brandon. It's not okay for me to put in 90% effort, and you to put in 10%.
You're hurting me. And just because I wrote you a "novel" that's no excuse for you to avoid me. I had something to say, and I needed to say it now, and of course, you wouldn't answer the phone, so I emailed you instead. We HAVE to talk about this. So PLEASE, call me.
-Peyton"

((Sigh)) I hesistantly hit the sent button, because I knew that 1 of 2 things would probably happen.
1) He would freak out and then avoid me, which would inevitably lead to him breaking up with me, because he can't deal, or
2) He would feel guilty, realize what an ass he's been and try to work things out.

Number 2 was definitely wishful thinking on my part. He did try calling me while I was at work, but I couldn't answer. So I called him back when I got off, and he didn't answer. So I sent him a text, asking if he could stop by when he got off work so that we could talk. No response, and he didn't come over.
So today, I sent him a text, telling him he was being ridiculous, because he was gonna see me at work, and to please call me.
An hour before my shift, he finally called.

"I just can't do this anymore. It's not working." He said.
I sighed, "Is that you're reaction to every conflict? To just run away?"
"I'm not running away."
"Yes you are! You always do this, everytime I bring this stuff up."
"Well, I don't understand what the problem is, I didn't do anything."
"That is the problem. You don't do anything! You let me do all the work, Brandon! I mean I kinda thought that after 2 days of not talking, you might call your girlfriend and see what's up."
"Look, it's just not working. It was never working."
"What do you mean it was never working???"
"Well, I mean it was, maybe for you, but not for me."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean??"
"I'm just not...physically attracted to you."
"So it's true then. I'm not pretty enough!?"
"That's not what I said. You are attractive, I'm just not attracted to you. Or to anyone. It's just me. It's all me, not you."
"Oh good one. It's not you it's me? And you're just...suddenly not attracted to me?? Since when!? You must have been attracted to me at some point!"
"Look, it was just never real for me."
"Never real??? WHAT was never real? What is that supposed to mean? So you lied to me then?"
"I didn't lie to you."
"Apparently you were lying when you said you loved me, because if you really ever loved me, you wouldn't be telling me all this bullshit! Do you even know what the word love means?!"
"No! I don't! That's why it was never the same for me! Why do think I always laughed when you said it to me?"
"Then why did you say it!?!?! I didn't want you to say it unless you meant it! I can't believe you're saying this. I can't believe you're doing this. I can't believe you're sitting here giving me all these bullshit excuses for why you've wasted the last 10 months of my life!"
Tears were streaming down my face by this point.
"Well what did you want me to do, stay with you until I cheated on you??"
"NO! I want you to be fucking honest with me! If you were feeling this way, I wish you would have told me as soon as you felt it, not a couple months later!"
"Well..."
"So you're breaking up with me, because you're not attracted to me, and it was never real for you. So everything about our relationship has been a complete lie?!?"
"No, and I didn't say you weren't pretty enough! It's just...we're too different. We don't have...chemistry. I thought I would just give it a chance, and wait it out, but it's not working."
"You know what, there's really no point in continuing this conversation. I have nothing else to say to you. Just...leave me alone."
And I hung up the phone.
Keep in mind, this is a revised version of our conversation, which I obviously can't remember word for word. And I'm probably subconsciously blocking some parts out.
I broke down in hysterics immediately afterward, racked my brains for a good enough excuse to call into work, and then I took a deep breath.
I can't call into work. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.
I inhaled another ragged breath, and sat down at my mirror. I squirted practically an entire bottle of Visine in my eyes, and put anti-puff cream on. I wasn't going to show up to work looking like I'd been balling my eyes out. And I made sure I looked damn good.
When I got to work, I told everyone what happened. What's the point in pretending? I mean, I want everyone to know what he said to me. What his stupid, bullshit reasons were. I want everyone at work to know how much he fucked me over. I knew it would make him uncomfortable, with everyone knowing. And I wanted him to be the jackass, not me.
((Sigh)) My shift was long, and miserable. I had to work behind the same bar with him, and I even had to watch him flirt with girls.
You know, he actually told me he wanted to see other people. If I find out he already met someone, or he starts dating some girl in the near future, I'm going to flip my shit.

I can't believe that kiss I gave him when I left for my piano lesson is the last kiss we'll ever have. I can't believe its over. I feel like I'm just a complete failure! I've never been broken up with so badly. And I can't even believe how mean he was. He's not physically attracted to me?? It wasn't real??
Then what was it?
And if it wasn't real, why am I so broken hearted?
Why am I always the one who gets shit on?
((Sigh))
FML.

Falling Fast

Tuesday night, after a miserable 8 straight days of working, Brandon and I were laying in bed, discussing the movie we had just watched, Changeling. SUPER good btw, omg. Jolie was amazing, and the story was amazing...it was just awesome!
So anyways, we're talking and I kind of just blurted out, "I can't believe you're still here!"
"What do you mean 'here'?" He asked.
"I dunno it's just...most guys would have run off by now." I said uncomfortably.
"Well I'm not like most guys." He stated.
"I know." I smiled, "But still...as soon as I start to get comfortable with someone, that's usually when they split."
"Well you don't have to worry about that. I'm gonna be here for a while."
"Yea, they all say that." I sighed.
"You gotta give me some credit! I wouldn't drive 25 minutes everyday, or miss work if I wasn't really into you."
"You can't blame me for missing work!" I interjected, "I told you to get up this morning, but you didn't want to!"
"Yea, that's the point. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay here. With you."
He stared at me so intensely that I started to blush.
"So...you never answered that question I asked you before." He said with a glint in his eye.
"What question?" I stalled.
"You know, about what you want out of this...?"
I sighed and pulled the covers up over my head.
"Well...I don't know! I mean, what do you expect from me? Do you not want me to see other people, do you-"
"Of course I don't!" He interrupted, momentarily scattering my thoughts.
"You don't?" I asked, genuinely surprised.
"No."
"Soo...you're not...seeing other people?" I said in a small voice.
"No, I'm not." He said, matter-of-factly.
"So, if I was, how would you feel about that?"
"If I heard you were seeing other people, I'd say, 'Ok now I know', and move on. I wouldn't talk to you anymore."
"Hmm." A light came on in my head, "So, let me get this straight: if you're not seeing other people, and I'm not seeing other people, wouldn't you call this situation a relationship?"
"Yea, I guess you would."
"Well then there's just one thing missing!"
"What's missing?" He asked.
"You don't know??" I teased.
"No..." He looked thoughtful.
"Do I need to spell it out for you?"
"Yea I guess!" He smiled.
"Y-O-U H-A-V-E T-O A-S-K..." I began to spell.
"I have to ask you to be my girlfriend?" He grinned, flashing his brilliantly white teeth.
"Yes, you do." I said with a smile.
"Ok," He blushed crimson, "Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" He asked.
"Sure." I said with a huge smile.
Then he pulled me in for a big kiss and he held me tight till we fell asleep.

What I Like About You

So it turned out I was totally fretting over nothing the other night. Brandon called me literally an hour after I'd fallen asleep, at like 6am. He apologized profusely for not coming over; said he'd passed out at his friend's house. He was on his way to work when he called and then he asked me if he could come over after lunch. And of course, I told him sure!
So he came over around 2 and we both hopped into bed! We goofed off, I made fun of him for being so drunk the night before, we had some amazing sex, and then we just started talking.
And I mentioned something to him about how he never likes to give anything away. If I wanna know something, I have to ask him very directly.
"It's not that I'm afraid to talk about my feelings or anything I just don't...I dunno, I don't say much." He said.
"You don't say much??? Are you kidding me?!" I teased.
"Well I didn't mean it like that!" He said, and we both started laughing.
"Let me ask you something." He said, "What do you want from me?"
"Don't ask me that." I said.
I was so shocked that the conversation was heading in that direction, and that he was the one to bring it up! I mean normally, it's me who brings up the whole "what are we and where is this going" conversation, and it never bodes well. So I'd already decided to just leave it alone and wait things out. But here he was, asking me straight up what I wanted!
"Why can't I ask you that??" He asked.
"Well, what do you want from me?" I countered.
"Hey, I asked you first!"
"Yea, but if you're going to ask me something like that, you better be prepared to answer it yourself. So you go first." I said with a hint of finality.
"Ok..." He paused as if to consider the question. "Well, I really like you. I mean you're fun, and I think you're hot, and I dig your personality. I don't know why guys don't go after you.
"Unless they do!" He blurted, interrupting his own thoughts, "I mean, do you go out on dates?"
I sighed, "That's the problem with guys today. They don't ask girls out on dates anymore."
"Well I'd like to take you out on some dates. I mean honestly, I'm not trying to rush into anything but I'd like to see where this goes..." He smiled. "I'm not gonna hide my feelings from you anymore, ok?? The more time I spend with you, the more I'm drawn to you."
My heart was pounding so hard against my rib cage I was almost certain he'd hear it. I mean no guy has ever been so honest, and so sweet at the same time. I've never been so happy to hear that from someone, because I could just tell how much he meant it. Usually guys don't like to talk about commitments, or the future, or any of that stuff. But he doesn't shy away from it at all!
All I could do was smile at him and kiss him.
We had some more sex, and then we finally got out of bed. We goofed off in the shower together, and talked some more; about our past relationships, about what we want out of life, stuff like that. And it's like we've reached some new plane, where the unknown isn't scary, and we don't have to second guess our words or actions. I can confidently invite him over, and not have to worry about seeming too available. I can cuddle with him in bed without worrying about him thinking I'm too clingy. I can tell him what I'm thinking and how I feel, without being insecure, or sounding desperate.
It's just so...perfect.
He took me out to dinner last night, and then we rode to work together. And of course, he came home with me after work too.
((sigh))
I think, I may have landed myself in a relationship that may actually last.
:)

The greatest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love,

And be loved in return

Just Can't Get Enough

((Sigh))... I seriously feel like I've been swept off my feet! It's kind of silly actually, I mean it's only been 3 weeks. But they've been so surreal. I've spent probably 5 out of 7 nights at Daniel's house this week. And we're just...getting to know each other, taking it slow. Nothing too physical! He's just the sweetest guy to me. After our argument last week, he's been so much more...attentive I guess. I mean he's been really careful not to let that happen again.
And the more I get to know him, the more multifaceted his personality becomes! It's so exciting! Lol.
I mean at first he was this shy, mysterious guy, and then he became less shy, but more mysterious. And now he's funny, and goofy, and always making me laugh. But he's also sweet, and he likes to cuddle. :) But still dark and mysterious....and sexy. Haha.
Maybe I'm falling head over heels for him too!

Alyssa and I sort of avoid the subject of him when we hang out though. I mean, normally I would totally gush to her about this stuff! But since he's her brother...I'm not sure she'd wanna hear about it. And Daniel told me they avoid it too. So, I don't think she really knows what's going on with us and I'm not sure how to tell her.

Last night Daniel and I talked about what our goals are for the next 6 months. What do we want in life? And that stemmed into a conversation about commitment. And he said he doesn't want me to see other guys, and I told him I don't want to see other guys. And he said he doesn't wanna see other girls either.
It's like we have this...unspoken respect for one another. And I really like that.

Yesterday, someone tagged him in a photo on myspace. It was a picture of him and his daughter, and he was kissing her on the cheek, and she was making a funny face like, "Get off me!" and I couldn't help but say, "Awwwwe!" because it was just the sweetest thing! And then I thought, "Omg what has gotten into me?!" Because normally the idea of dating a guy with a kid would totally freak me out. But...with him it's just different. I dunno...

Well, I'm heading over to his place now! I just can't get enough of this guy! :)

Demetri Of The Day:
Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”

St.Patrick's Day Promise

Ok here's the response I got from BJ on myspace.

"Ok,

Well i saw Lindsey while I was in florida, and Chase, Lindsey and I had dinner and some drinks and then we went out to harpoon harrys and then I took her home. Nothing happened, i didn't sleep with her or anything. As for us I am so confused. You tell me to just let it ride, so I dont really know how to act around other girls because im worried its gonna upset things with us, but at the same time I dont know what things with us are, so its all a bit confusing. So I mean I'm kinda doing my own thing and trying to let you do yours because i dont wanna be pushy or anything so I guess let me know when you figure it out. As for the Lindsey situation, I will always probably love her Im just not in love with her anymore. She asked me to sleep with her and I told her no the best way i could. So if that doesn't make you comfortable with the situation I dont know what will. If there is something that I can do to make the situation better just let me know. Ok im going to the gym now.
Ohh and im cool like you soooo.....Late."

I wrote back:

"((sigh)) Well i'm not asking you to do, or not do anything, other than just be honest with me. You said you knew what you wanted, but I'm getting the impression, that maybe you don't have as much conviction as you thought. Which is fine! I'm just...I dunno... I care about you, but I have a hard time trusting you, so of course things are going to get complicated. I mean I WANT to trust you, it's just hard for me to let my guard down with you because of our history. And let me explain to you EXACTLY what I mean by "let it ride". Lol. Basically, I just wanna take things slow in the dating/relationship department. Because, like I said, I need to trust you more, and spend more time with you, etc etc... So I think we should keep hanging out and just let things fall where they lie. Make sense? I mean what you do, and who you make out with/sleep with/WHATEVER, is your business. And I'm not gonna tell you "no, don't do this", or "hey, you need to do this", because that isn't my place. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about those things, or that it doesn't bother me at all. In my experience the truth always comes out in the end. So...I may as well hear it from you. And I appreciate you telling me that. Ok, that's all I have to say on that topic.
What's the deal for Wednesday?

LATE.
p.s. you'll never be cool like me."

And he wrote back again.

"Ok,
I do know what I want and what I want is a normal relationship with you. I do however, understand your hesitancy in the whole trust department, and I am sure I have rightfully earned that. But, to be honest, I just got done wasting about 5 months letting it ride and dating and it just didn't work. Mainly because to me I am either committed or I'm not and I guarantee one of us is going to end up hurt if this is the way we go about this. So the decision is ultimately up to you and I will respect which ever way you decide. Im leaning for the relationship decision just so you know.

Ohh and I've always been cooler than you.
LATE"

Then I said,

"well, you do realize that in any situation, whether you knew the girl before or not, you can't just JUMP right into a committed relationship with someone, right? i mean, are you pretty much giving me a time limit? because, judging by what you've told me in the past couple weeks, you've had feelings for me on and off for years, so what's a month or 2? i'm not saying i'm gonna drag you around for 5 months. it doesn't usually take me that long to figure shit out.
btw, you never answered my question about wednesday. you told me to get off on the 19th, so i did. and what are you doing tomorrow??

p.s. somebody lied to you."

BJ:

"Ok, Fine I can give you two months but I make no promises on how well it will go. I have no plans tomorrow and the st. patricks party is on wed. but to be honest I am definitely over partying for a while so i dont think I am gonna go. At some point this week I would like to see you so let me know when you have off and potentially would like to hang out. Kay."

Me:

"i'm off tomorrow, and wednesday. and just so you know, i don't like ultimatums. that's not cool. and what do you mean by you make no promises?? if you want this to work, then my advice to you is, don't fuck it up. it's pretty damn simple. i just need some time to get my mind right. this isn't rocket science. why are you always so damn dramatic??? g's... ;)
i obviously wanna see you, and hang out with you, so we agree on something, right? and when the hell are you gonna drive down here for a change??"

BJ:

"LoL ok I wont fuck it up as you say and I promise I will drive down there as soon as I get my money back. I was extremely irresponsible this month. So when you coming to visit?"

So that's pretty much it. Hopefully we've worked out those kinks. Although I'm still a little unnerved by the fact that he's "giving me 2 months". Who does that!??? Why can't he just let things take their natural course?? But anyways, I switched shifts with somebody so that I can be off Tuesday and Wednesday instead of today and Wednesday, and now I can go visit him for 2 days instead of 1. Plus, it's gonna be really good money tonight since it's St. Patty's Day!!
Except now I gotta run out and find something green to wear!

Demetri Of The Day:
My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.'”

The Beginning

Ok, I'm gonna try and write a little, but I don't have much time, so here goes.

When I was in high school, I was good friends with a guy named BJ. At one point, I developed a huge crush on him, but he ended up having a thing for one of my best friends, so nothing ever came of it.
However, we stayed friends, and after high school, he joined the air force, and we kept in touch while he was gone. We actually became even closer friends. Then one year, he came home and I was still interested in him, but not sure if we even had a chance, especially considering his military situation. At my 19th birthday party, which he came to, I kissed some stupid boy, in my drunken stupor, and he got mad. Apparently, he had feelings for me too, but had never told me. So instead, he got jealous and started talking to Cecilia just to piss me off. Yea, my best friend Cecilia. Well they ended up talking/dating...whatever, and I was insanely jealous.
But it all ended up blowing up in a really messy way, BJ and Cecilia stopped talking, and BJ and I stopped being friends. We didn't even speak to each other for about 3 years.

Then just the other day, I was reading through one of my old journals and found an entry I had written about him. And in a moment of nostalgia, I missed him! The late night phone calls, the letters I wrote him while he was in Iraq, our inside jokes...it all just came flooding back to me. So I looked him up on myspace and wrote him a message.
I basically just said, "Hey, I know we've had our differences, but we used to be really good friends, and I just thought I'd drop you a line and see how you were doing."
Well then, he ended up calling me, and we got to talking...
He's out of the air force and all that, and he's in Hunstville now, finishing up school. So I randomly decided to take a trip up to visit him. Actually, I was already at my aunt's house in The Woodlands, so I wasn't too far away.
Well, we hung out, talked about stuff, and everything that went down, yada yada...
And we kissed! Finally! It was so...I dunno. I can't even explain it. I mean we have soooo much history, it's almost scary.
And he told me all this stuff about how I was always the girl for him, and always his first choice. And he said he used to be in love with me, and that I have always been the most important girl in his life, and that I would always have a special place in his heart.
And as sweet as it all sounds, I have a hard time trusting him because of what happened with him and Cecilia, and all the stupid immature shit he and I said to each other in the course of that whole blow out...
Ugh.
It was pretty ugly. But I'm trying to be open-minded about it all. The other thing is, he point-blank told me he wants to be in a relationship with me. And I dunno if I'm ready for that. And, at the risk of sounding totally shallow, the other thing is, he's short! And I hate that. I'm just not sure if I'm really into him, or if I'm just living some unfullfilled high school dream. In which case, I know it will get old pretty fast. And I'd like to think he and I have repaired our friendship, but now that we're in this situation, I can see things easily going south pretty quickly if I fuck this up. So now I just don't know what do to!
And of course, I had to tell Cecilia about us kissing, and she freaked out. I mean she's freakin' married! But apparently she still drunk dials him now and then. Not cool. Which I told her.

Ok, I'm at the computer lab at BJ's school, and he's coming back so I gotta go!
I'll finish later!! I PROMISE.

Ixnay on the Extay

First of all, thanks for all your comments! I appreciate the advice, and for the most part, I agree with all of you. The main reason I wrote that text was because Melissa told me I should! And usually, she gives good advice when it comes to guys. And I figured, what do I have to lose? So I sent it. And today, I got my response.

"Well I just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship. Right now I'm trying to figure things out and can't commit to anything. I do enjoy hanging out with you a lot & would like to continue to do so."

I wrote back.
"I get that. I'm not trying to give you any ultimatums or anything. And I appreciate you being honest with me. I was merely curious."

So that's that. And I'm kind of glad it's out of the way. Because to be honest, I was afraid he might say he did wanna be in a relationship! Because the more that I think about it, I don't think I want that with him. At least not right now. And especially with my feelings for Jake The Door Guy surfacing... Ugh. Everything is such a mess. But I'm not going to call or text Friend Boy anymore. Period. If he calls me, that's fine. If he texts me, fine. But other than that, I'm not going to initiate any contact.

And as for Jake The Door Guy, he and I are now Facebook friends. And he just "mooned" me on SuperPoke. Lol. And get this! Charlotte recently friended him and has been unabashedly flirting with him on Facebook!! It's quite sickening actually. I mean I hate to say it but...she really aims too high. She always goes for guys that are just way out of her league! I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl, and she's cute, but she's short and fat! Not exactly what most guys look for in a girl. And she always goes for these superhot guys! I guess if she can get 'em then good for her but...whatever. It's just kind of pathetic the way she throws herself at them. Wow, I sound like a superficial bitch right now. It's just that after the whole incident with she and I and Friend Boy, I lost a lot of respect for her I guess.

I'm going to watch a flag football game with Melissa and Amanda in about an hour. Melissa's boyfriend, Tim is on the team and they have games every Monday night. So that should be fun, and low key. I'm gonna bring my camera and hopefully I'll get some decent shots.
Well, that's about all for now! Keep up the advice! Lord knows I need it!

P.S. Didn't anybody dig my new outfit!??

Demetri Of The Day:
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”