Monday, March 31, 2014

They Say the Best Way to Get Over Someone...

I finally hooked up with someone last night. FINALLY!!! AFTER ALL THIS TIME!!!
And it was great.
Fuck John. I'm movin' on.

Friday, March 28, 2014


Been meaning to post all week, but it's been crazy.
Great news though!!
I got a job! A real job! A photography job!! Working for the chief photo editor of a newspaper in New Orleans!! So I'm moving to New Orleans!! Lol. Not till August though. :/ Still stuck in Chi till then. But I couldn't be more thrilled! I actually get to do something I love, and get paid for it. And the odds of finding a job in my field are not great. So I'm really lucky! I mean it doesn't hurt that my mom is dating the guy who wants to hire me, but I asked him if their relationship had anything to do with him hiring me and he said no. He saw my portfolio on facebook, and thinks I'm a great portrait photographer, and he needs good photographers right now, apparently. And he said he would think that even if he wasn't crazy about my mom. So I'll be working for a paper, doing editorial work, and he said he's gonna teach me how to write captions for the paper, and shoot sports! I'll get to go to Saints games for free! With a press pass! Plus all kinds of other cool events. It's weird sometimes how things work out. Especially for me, because up until recently it never seemed like things were actually working in my favor. But perhaps my luck is turning.
No real news on John though. We continued to talk the next day, but not about anything important. And I haven't heard from him much recently. Actions speak louder than words. So I'm just gonna try to forget about him. I can't promise I'll be successful though. It was so nice having someone to talk with all day, about all sorts of random things. I had forgotten how fun it can be to get to know someone. ((Sigh))
Well I'm just gonna do me right now. My days are numbered here and I'm gonna try to make the most of them.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

To Be Continued...

Me: Hello John

John: Hello Peyton. How are you?

Me: Drunk

John: I'm not. Although, I did spent most of the day at a friends house drinking. Everybody kinda started going to bed around mitte nacht.
John: By the way, you're pretty. :)

Me: Are you trying to butter me up?? What's mitte nachi?
Me: Ahh!! sp! Wait, that means midnight, doesn't it?

John: Not trying to butter you up. Just thought you should know in case you haven't heard it in a while. And good job, mitte nacht does mean midnight.

Me: Hmm I guess my drunk self isn't as dumb as I thought. I'm surprised you're not working.

John: You're a clever girl, even drunk. No work right now. Finished off a week in Houston 
visiting our data processing group.
John: How has your weekend been?

Me: Clever ppl can still be fools. Case in point.
Me: My wkend was meh. I don't really start my wkend till tomorrow.

John: I don't agree. However, I do think clever people can do foolish things. It's a difference between a persons continuous state of being versus a random action.
John: Do you have anything planned for your time off?

Me: Not necessarily. There's a grey area between continuous state of being and random acts. For example, when you do something against your better judgment, hoping for a better outcome than is most likely possibly. I do that. And you would think I would learn from my mistakes but I guess despite my pragmatism, I'm really an optimist at heart.
Me: I also have a tendency to overshare when under the influence of alcohol.

John: That is a valid point. Your drunk self has scored two points so far!
John: I'm not a very judgmental person so I think you're in good hands right now.

Me: Ha! So you say.
Me: I'm counting you as one example of my foolishness.

John: It's hard to pass judgment when you've done as many idiotic things as I have.

Me: Oh really? By all means, share!

John: Well I was hoping that I wouldn't fall into that category, but I wouldn't say I'm exactly great at relationships.
John: Share? You've met my alternate personality, drunk John. He's pretty wild and pretty stupid on a regular basis.

Me: Well it's like this. I don't really have a set of rules or guidelines that I live by, but there are a couple that I generally tend to follow when it comes to men. One being that if a guy doesn't seem interested, I usually just bow out bc I don't like playing games and men are confusing and rarely up front about what they want.
Me: Yep I've met drunk John. He's a pretty honest guy. Lol.

John: Does it feel like we've been playing games?

Me: Well I didn't think we were. But I'm often wrong.

John: I'm happy to hear that. I think we've been honest with each other and I hope you don't regret anything you've sent*. I'm certainly grateful for the things you've shared with me and I hope you trust I'll keep it between us. I have, after all, had a security clearance. I can keep a secret ;)

*I sent him a few sexy pics. But no nudity! Undies only!! So, really nothing he, and anyone else who's seen in me in a bikini, hasn't seen. And my face wasn't in any of the photos either. So...meh.*

Me: No, I don't regret anything. But John! The last time you asked me to send you a picture, I said no, and then I didn't hear from you for like 10 days!** Whaaaaaat is that supposed to make me think??

**This is in reference to the one night I spent in Houston a week ago, when he texted me the next morning and I had just gotten out of the shower. He asked for a pic and I said no, I was on strike until I saw some residuals. Lol. He said "Fair enough" or something to that effect. Then I asked if I was gonna see him, and never heard back.**

John: I guess that does look pretty bad. Although I thought it was clear that I wasn't harboring any hard feelings about it. As much as I do enjoy the things you've sent, you should know that it's not something I expect from you. I see it as privileged information. Our relationship isn't based on what you've sent me. We've had a longer history without the photos. I apologize if I made you feel as though our friendship was being held for ransom.

Me: Well that just leaves one question. Which is, why didn't I see you when I was in Louisiana? Because I don't think I expect much either. Unless you think otherwise? But it felt a bit like a brush off to me...just sayin.

John: I was traveling back and forth between Houston and Louisiana a lot that week. It wasn't like I was in a neighboring city.
John: I guess that sounds like a cop-out, but I was restricted to where I could travel and when I was needed. It just wasn't possible for me to escape for a couple days.

Me: Understandable. I try to not make assumptions, but I tend to err on the side of antipathy when I try to guess what someone else is thinking.
Me: I also have this problem with a lot of ppl because it's in my nature to call bullshit, and I prefer ppl to just be honest with me, even if it's awkward or uncomfortable, but a lot of ppl don't like that kind of confrontation I guess.

John: My phone is nearly dead, and I'm at a friends house with a bunch of samsung users. Going to need to postpone this until I can get an apple cord.

To Be Continued...

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I'm trying to post at least once a week, if not more, but unfortunately I don't always have something to write about once a week. I just finished editing all the photos from my cousin's photoshoot last week, and I'm sooooo happy with them! As is she, which I guess should be more important. Lol. Actually, I was working on them just 2 days ago when guess who texted me? John. He wanted to know if I had recovered the photos. I didn't respond right away because I was busy, and I didn't see his message till about 20 minutes after he'd sent it. Then I stewed for about 10 minutes wondering what to say. Because I'm mad at him! He blew me off. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. And that's just shitty. And I want him to know it's shitty! But, believe it or not, I have learned a thing or two from my experiences with men over the years, and I knew I had to tread carefully. I didn't want to come off bitchy, or psycho, or needy, or desperate, or sad, etc...you get the point. So I simply responded by answering his question. No more, no less. I just said, "Yep." And then he wrote back, "Good job. I'm happy it worked out." And I said, "Yea, me too." And that was that. If he had really wanted to talk to me, he would have made more of an effort, but he never responded again after that. And since I intentionally didn't write something open ended, as if I wanted to continue the conversation, I knew it would be up to him to do so. And he didn't. So I guess I have my answer as far as John is concerned. It's still kind of hard for me to let go of the idea of him though. I mean, despite this situation, I know he isn't like any other guy I've ever known. But perhaps that isn't such a good thing. I dunno... Guys just suck in general, don't they?

Thursday, March 13, 2014


Once again, sorry for the Twitter spam, guys. I didn't think it would continue to send out those invites, but I have figured out how to stop them. Unfortunately, Twitter is down today so I haven't been able to fix it yet. I will keep checking and take care of it as soon as I can.

Aside from that, I am literally having the worst day ever! I'm in NOLA because my Aunt and Uncle hired me to take my cousins high school graduation photos. My uncle is a pilot so he even got me buddy passes to come here for free. So today, Macie and I were out walking around (and I was carrying my camera equipment, plus all her stuff) in the city all day. It was fun, but exhausting, and Macie can be kind of a pain in the ass.
First she got makeup all over her white dress right when we were about to leave. Then she forgot her shoes, and we had already left the house, and I had to turn around and drive back. Then, after driving around forever and finally finding a parking spot in the Quarter, she realized she had forgotten her jeans! I told her forget it, we weren't going back and we were wasting time, but she whined about the jeans all day.
The shoot was fun, overall, and we even managed to get onto a hotel room balcony in the French Quarter for free! Then we got home, and she insisted I take more pictures of her in the jeans, and I obliged, since she's family, even though no photographer would normally do an all day photoshoot like that just for senior pictures. But still, I was soooo excited to see all the awesome photos I took, and immediately went upstairs and plugged my SD card into my laptop. Low and behold, there was NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL ON THE CARD.
I put the card back in the camera. "Card Not Formatted" flashed at me. The photos were just gone. ALL OF THEM! And I still have no idea how!! I didn't erase or reformat anything! I just did what I always do, everything time I go to upload my photos and they just weren't there! My whole trip for nothing, my entire day of hard work! Not to mention, and I haven't told you guys this yet, but on Saturday I went straight to the airport after work for a 9am flight that I wasn't able to get on. I didn't actually get on a flight till 8pm that night and it didn't even take me to NOLA! I had to go to Houston first and then drive to NOLA with my uncle in a rental car!! It was fucking terrible!! I spent the whole day in the airport and went 2 straight days with no sleep. For nothing!!!!
Ugh. So I spent this entire evening looking into recovery software, and it seemed to be working at first; or at least, it seemed to be doing something, but after 4 hours I still had no results and I started panicking again. Luckily, my Mom's new boyfriend just happens to be a photographer. Actually, he's Pulitzer winning photographer, and a very, very nice man, because he offered to take a look at my SD card and it is now 1 in the morning. My very, very nice mother, is driving over to his place right now so he can look at it. He must really like my mom now that I think about it. I'm so so grateful that he is doing this, because that means there is still hope! But I don't know how I can possibly sleep. I haven't mentioned any of this to my Aunt and Uncle, or to Macie. I'm hoping I won't have to. I mean I'm dreading having to do that! I really hope that's not the case. Uuuuuuggghhhh!! I mean I flew all the way here, and I don't know when I would be able to make it back... Plus Macie skipped school today for this. Ok...enough about the photos. I'm just having a hard time thinking about anything else.

My one night in Houston was actually fun, aside from the fact that Taryn drove to the wrong airport to pick me up. Yep. After all that shit, and I finally get out of the airport, and we had plans to go out and get wasted, I forget to tell her which airport. Stupid, stupid me. Oh well, we still went out. And John was in town, and was on his way to meet us, but he got pulled over for not completely stopping at a stop sign, and then asked to do a field sobriety test! So he didn't make it. And he wasn't answering his phone at all, so at the time I just assumed he was blowing me off. And of course Taryn was telling me I shouldn't put up with that, and if he was really into me and knew I was in town, he would make every effort to see me. And I agreed with her. Until the next morning when he texted me about almost going to jail, and then I felt bad. So I asked him if I was going to get to see him or what? He responded that he was already on his way back to Louisiana because he was having stuff delivered to his apartment and he needed to be there. Then I said, "Oh, I didn't mean today" (my uncle was already on his way to get me from Taryn's place) and he just never responded again. I mean, when I told him I was going to be in Louisiana, which just happens to be where he lives, I thought surely we would get an opportunity to see each other. Clearly, I was wrong. He knew I was here all week and didn't even text me once. ((Sigh)) I really thought he was different. And maybe he is, but clearly his priorities don't include me. He's a workhorse, and I get it, but it wasn't work this time. He just...blew me off. There's no other explanation. And that's really hard for me to accept. But I guess I don't really have a choice.
Speaking of getting blown off, you know who else blew me off this week??
And how is it that I manage to still be surprised by these things??
Guys are dicks.

I was able to recover all the photos!! YAYYYYY!!!!! :)

Sunday, March 2, 2014

To Blog or Not To Blog...

Well, after much deliberation, I have decided to keep my blog. I've just gotten used to the idea of blogging again, and I was just starting to enjoy myself. Writing is very therapeutic. Anyway, all my friends/boyfriends/coworkers names have already been changed, so they still get privacy. The only real name you guys know is mine. And so what if you know what I look like? It was just the one picture, right? I am still going to continue signing off as Peyton though, just for continuity's sake. So anyway, now onto the good stuff.
John and I have been talking again. Not as frequently as we were at the beginning of February, but we're getting there. Sometimes I start to overthink/overanalyze things with John (duh, you all know I do that), but I just have to keep reminding myself that he is not like other guys. He doesn't play games, and he's very honest. What you see is what you get. So I don't have to worry that he's lost interest just because I don't hear from him for a while. He is literally married to his work. And I don't mind that. At times it can be a little frustrating, just because it makes him harder to read. And I can't really judge his words/actions against other guys because, like I said, he's not like other guys! I know, all girls say that about a guy at some point in their life, because he's really good at leading them to believe that, but that really isn't the case with John. He's different. In a good way, I think. In a way that actually may be beneficial for me.
So we were texting last night till about 8am (ridiculous, I know) and I mentioned that I would still like him to come visit. He's on another job right now, in the Panhandle, and he's working from 7pm to 7am every day. I dunno how he does it. But he said he thinks he'll be done in about a week and he'll see what the schedule looks like. It also happens that I am going to NOLA next week to shoot my cousins senior portraits. So mayyyyyybe we can spend a day together or something. Although NOLA is not very close to Shreveport, which is where John lives. But anyway, so we talked till 8am, and then I finally went to sleep and had the most amazing dream about him. Well, about us. We were together, like together together, and we were traveling. Like just...traveling the world! And we were so happy! I remember thinking (in the dream) that everyone around us must be able to see how happy and in love we are. And I remember nuzzling his neck, and kissing him. Lots of kissing. ((Sigh)) Have you ever had a dream like that, where you were just soooo happy, that you still feel kind of elated when you wake up, but then also kind of sad, because it's over, and none of it was real? I know it was just a dream, and it's no coincidence that I had a dream about John after practically falling asleep talking to him, but I still hope I can have that in real life someday. Hopefully sooner than later.