Thursday, September 27, 2012

Float On

First off, thanks everyone for the comforting words. Lol. I did have a little bit of a freak out the other day, but you are all right. It was premature. And now that BJ and I have gotten past that initial hump of "Ohmygodwe'retalkingagain!" things are sort of...calming down a bit between us. Which is nice, because I don't feel as much pressure anymore. I'm just gonna try to relax and when he gets here, I'll take it from there.
Anyway, my friend, Katie, from school, has a friend coming in town in a couple weeks that she wants me to take out for drinks one night. He's her best friends older brother and they live in Cali. Alex (the guy - duh) will be here for one weekend, mid-October. She said she's not trying to set me up with him, it's just that she's underage, so she can't really take him anywhere, and he's not a big party animal, so he most likely wouldn't mesh well with most of her partying pals. She goes, "He's old like you, and he doesn't like going to clubs, he likes to go to bars and just chill." My response? "Gee thanks for reminded me that I'm so 'old'". Lol. She's so funny. But anyway, I agreed to take this guy out for drinks the Friday that he's here. Hopefully I can get the night off work. Katie said she would bring him into my bar Thursday night so we could actually meet first, that way it wouldn't be like we were meeting for the first time Friday night. And she showed me pictures of him, and he looks attractive. Also, he's tall, and she said she heard from a friend that slept with him that he has the biggest penis in the world. No, I am not joking. Lol. The timing is almost poetic. Hahaha. So again, we'll just see what happens...
OMG I just got a random text from my OTHER ex, Nate like JUST NOW. Wtf is going on in the cosmos right now!? This is so weird.... He wants to know 'how I'm doing'. Lol. Well at least I know there is absolutely NO chance of me ever getting back with him. He's too weird and awkward. Lol. G's...
I'm so tired and it's only 9:30. I'm already ready for bed. I normally would be at work, but they're doing construction downstairs so the basement bar was closed tonight. I bartend down there on Thursdays now. It's been ok so far, but kinda slow since no one really knows to come in yet. Katie has come to visit me every week so far. Haha. So that's been cool. At least I'm not fucking waiting tables on Thursdays anymore! That's a definite improvement. Well, I'm gonna try to read a little and go to sleep. I don't think I can keep my eyes open much longer.

Flame on muthafuckaz!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


OH god....I'm having a miniature panic attack right now, because I just went back and read all my posts about BJ. And in one post in particular, I talked about him having a really small penis. THAT is something that I don't think I could get over.
So now what have I gotten myself into!? We've been texting since Friday! I can't just stop talking to him out of the blue! I mean what would I say, "Sorry I just remembered you have a small penis." ?????????
Plus, he's going to be here in a month! What do I doooooooooo??
I am such an idiot. I definitely need to scale it back or....or something! HELP!

Monday, September 24, 2012

A Green Thumb: The Trick to Having a Successful Relationship

I've always been horrible with plants. I can't tell you how many times I've brought home a potted plant, or an orchid or something, and tried my best to care for it. But I always seem to fail miserably. Initially it seems I tend to over water them. In my excitement, I give the plant too much attention, and it drowns in my affections. So then I leave it alone a bit, once I notice the leaves all start falling off. But after a while, it dries up completely, from neglect.

This is a perfect analogy for my relationships. I'm horrible with plants, I'm horrible with relationships. I just can't seem to find a balance! But when I look back, I'm always too this, or not enough of that. Too clingy, too flighty, too eager, or too aloof. What is the trick?

BJ and I have been having a steady text message conversation over the last 2 days. We also had about a 2 hour phone conversation yesterday evening, while he was driving from Austin to Houston. The great thing about it is, no matter what happens when he gets here, we're friends. So we can talk easily, and laugh, and have intellectual conversations and debates, or just talk about what we did that day. It's completely no pressure, no awkwardness, and it's divine. The problem is, if we end up dating again, the tendency is going to be to rush things because we already know each other, and hell, we've already slept together. Even though it's been almost 5 years, it's not as if we're getting to know each other for the first time. We already know we get along, we're attracted to one another, and we have chemistry. What we don't know, is if what we have has staying power, or if it's meant to be. Of course, no one really knows that going into things, but we also have our friendship to consider. Granted, our friendship over the last 5 years has been pretty minimalistic, so maybe it wouldn't make all that much of a difference if we ended up going our separate ways.
But for me, I know the transition from being single to being in a relationship, when that time comes, is not going to be easy. Which is why it has to be gradual, not sudden. I've been single now for so long, that I can't really remember what it's like being in a relationship, and judging from my past experiences, I've never been that good at it to begin with. Herein lies my problem. My lack of a Green Thumb.

Of course, all of this could be moot. He could get here next month and we find we really hate each other, or that the chemistry no longer sparks. I almost hope that that's the case. It's scary knowing I'm looking forward to someone texting me back, or calling. It's been so long since I've had that feeling, and it generally never leads to anything good.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Weekend of Exes

Remember a couple weeks ago when Brazil sent me a friend request? Well, I accepted it. Mostly out of morbid curiosity. I just wanted to know what he wanted. Well, 2 weeks went by, and nothing happened, so I deleted him again. And then I made Abbie delete him from her friends too. So that was that.
Now let's take an even longer trip down memory lane, shall we? Remember my old boyfriend BJ? (<-- Visit this link to catch up) Well Friday morning, I had a dream about him, sorta. In the dream he had this really beautiful horse, and I wanted to show a picture of the horse to my girlfriend (can't remember who). So I had BJ's phone, and I was scrolling through his pics looking for the pic of his horse. And I came across this picture of a bunch of us at the beach, and I was in the background of this picture, adjusting my swimsuit top, and my boob was totally showing. So I was like, "OMG you have to delete this!" And he was like, "Oh well I have copies" and for some reason, in the dream, I was just like, "haha, oh well!" It was like we were together in the dream or something. I dunno, but I woke up with this...renewed interest (?) in him. And of course I had to text him about the dream immediately. And I said, "So....do you have any naked pictures of me?"
And he didn't respond for quite a long time, so I started to think maybe he was weirded out or something by my text. And then I was like, "Oh shit, maybe he thinks I want to send him some naked pics?" Lol. So I texted him again to clarify, "Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol."
And again, he didn't respond! And it's just very unlike him to ignore a text like that, especially since we recently had a brief conversation. So I sent him a facebook message, asking if he changed his number. He responded immediately with the new number. LOL.
Here's our conversation....

Me: Dude, did you change your #??

BJ: Lol yes
 (phone number)

Me: Omg...good to know. I texted someone something weird this morning. Hhaha!

BJ: Lol please tell me they texted you back.

Me: Haha no, that's why I messaged you! But I said, "So...do you have any naked pictures of me?"
 And then there was no reply so I thought maybe I freaked you out or something and I felt the need to clarify so then I wrote:

Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol.

BJ: Lol if someone would've gotten that it seriously would've made my year.

Me: I really hope so
Anyway, it was a funny dream.

BJ: Sounds like it, I'll be there next month, pencil me in

Me: When?

BJ: Oct 26

Me: How long are you staying here? And where are you staying?
 Lol sorry for the 20 questions

BJ: Just for the weekend

Me: Well where are you staying?

BJ: I may get a hotel I may stay at my buddies house haven't decided

Me: Stay with MEEEE!! Lol. Who do you know that lives here?

BJ: One of my best friends from the military

Me: Oh I see. Well you're welcome to crash with me if you want. I live near wrigley field.

BJ: Uh that sounds like greatness

So that was just our facebook conversation, which we were having while I was working, so it got busy and I wasn't able to respond t.o him for a while. But later, just before I left work, I texted him, and we small talked for a while, I'll spare you the boring stuff. Eventually he brought up the dream again.

BJ: So about those naked pictures of you, should I delete them....or.....

Me: Lol. In the ream it wasn't really a naked picture. [I explain the dream]

BJ: Lol I have mixed feelings about this story. Humor, obviously, envy of Dream Me, and jealousy because this wasn't real.

Me: BAHAHAHAHA!! I have mixed feelings about it as well, bc clearly, Dream Me didn't mind that you had this pic of me, and when I woke up I had this unexplainable urge to make out with you. Haha.

BJ: Dream You needs to do all of your thinking

Me: Hahaha. Is that so??

BJ: Uh yea, I miss your face, and have for a long time.

Me: You do??? Well that honestly surprises me since we hardly saw each other when I was living in Houston.

BJ: Lol well we chose different paths, I'm not cool, trendy, or hip so I didn't know what to do when you broke up with me. I was angry and confused, but that doesn't mean my feelings ever changed.

Me: What do you mean your feelings never changed?? I broke up with you mainly bc I felt like you were in a different place in your life than I was.* You were big into the frat/college scene and I wasn't really. I mean it was fun for a while, but I was kinda trying to figure my own life/shit out at the time. Plus, you lived an hour away! And I just wasn't ready for anything serious at the time.

*Side note: Also there was also Daniel...which obviously, I didn't include in my explanation, but I was young. It was what it was.

BJ: And you weren't wrong, but that's still not what I wanted.

Me: What's not what you wanted?

BJ: Breaking up

Me: Well don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've never been exactly forthcoming with your feelings. And you were so hostile to me afterwards that I just assumed you didn't want anything to do with me. Also, I feel the need to ask, are you drunk right now?? [It was like 3am]

BJ: No, if I get a DUI, I get fired and fuck that shit! My job is too good to lose.

Me: Lol ok just wondering.... Well I'm sorry for all that. A lot has changed since then. I am much more...I dunno what work to use, experienced/pragmatic/realistic/grown up now. I have always considered you at least a friend, if not a good friend. But I guess I've never really known your feelings/opinions.

BJ: I know what you mean, I think the same is true for both of us, and I'm very aware that I'm not forthcoming with feelings, lol. To be honest, whether you realize it or not, you know more about me than probably anybody on the planet.

Me: What??? I find that very hard to believe...

BJ: It's very true, but I'm not going to explain why or how. I think I've maxed myself out on feelings sharing.

Me: Nooooo! Lol.

BJ: Lol what you don't realize is you've always had me.

BJ: I know that's probably not what a woman wants to hear because it's not challenging but it is what it is.

Me: You might be the most self-contradicting, confusing person I've ever met. I mean...it's just hard for me to accept that as truth after you pretty much dated all my friends! And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it bc I had a huge thing for you in hs and you went after first Rikki, then Emma. And I won't even bring up the Cecilia thing, lol, but it just...doesn't make sense to me! I just...always thought you weren't that into me. Anyway, what does "challenging" have to do with anything?? I'm not 22 anymore.

BJ: Rikki was before I knew you liked me and Emma and I were always just friends. And Cecilia happened after I flew home for your birthday and found out you were making out with some other guy outside.

Me: I wasn't trying to put you on the defensive. you don't have to explain anything. That is all long in the past. I was just trying to explain why this is confusing for me. Not to mention the part where you never even hinted at any of this. You realize we fight like cats and dogs, right?? You act all macho in front of your friends, and I know it's just an act and it drives me crazy cuz I can't figure out why you act that way. And I'm confrontational and stubborn and weird and flighty and probably selfish and frustrating. This isn't exactly a 2+2=4 kind of equation. Anyway, I'm sorry for whatever pain and suffering I'm sure I caused you in the past. I hope that at least we can put all that behind us. [finally!]

BJ: But that's not even the point. Those aren't the girls who I've fought with, worked things out with and came back to for the last 12 years.

Me: You've worked things out with me bc I MADE you! I'm not the type to let go of friends easily. And I know the things we argue about are usually dumb. Definitely not worth losing a friendship over.

BJ: Everything you just say about us is 100% true, but I don't know, I really liked all of that, and I'm much less of a macho d-bag these days.

Me: Hahahaha well it's nice to know you're aware of your old habits... As for the rest, I agree, it kept things interesting. And it means a lot what you said, but I'm not sure that your feelings are really for ME, as I am now, and not just the idea of me, or the way you remember me. You have dated a lot of crazy broads, maybe I'm just the most agreeable out of all them. Lol. But really, it's been a long time since we've hung out and I'm not the same person anymore. I mean I am, but I'm not. You know?

BJ: Lol first you are not the most agreeable woman I've ever dated by a long shot, and I can imagine that you've grown and changed, that happens as we go through life, and in all reality you may such, I'm pretty sure I'm kind of lame these days, but I'm happy so screw it. And I'm visiting in a month so that'll be a chance to find out.

Me: True...but I don't want it to feel like we're putting a lot of pressure on one wkend. I am gonna have to work, ya know, it's Halloween. But we should try and catch up before then. So it's not like I'm talking to you for the first time in a million yrs.

BJ: Also, I wasn't trying to spring this on you, nor do I expect anything. These were just things I should've said a long time ago. Lol but I have a lot of plans that weekend, I was just saying we could get a meal together. No pressure at all.

Me: Well my offer still stands if you wanna stay with me. When are you flying back?

BJ: I still have to book my return ticket for Sunday.

Me: Well you should make it late. Lol. Cuz Sunday is the only day I won't have to work.

BJ: I can do that. Ok gorgeous I have to go to sleep. Sweet dreams.

BJ: Dream about sending me naked pictures, or just do. Lol.

Me:  (: Night

So that was that conversation.
Right?? I mean I'm still trying to sort through all this. Mostly I can't figure out how I really feel about it, about him, because on the one hand, there's excitement you know, and it feels good to hear things like that from someone. But I don't know if I actually want to pursue this or not. And if he really feels that way about me, I don't want to lead him on either. Because I do really care about him as a friend, regardless of our romantic status. ((Sigh)) So confusing. We texted a bit today as well. So I know he wasn't just drunk word-vomiting Friday night.
Despite the quagmire that is my feelings, I'm not gonna lie, I feel...happy about it. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?? Anyone???

Ok, now for tonight, Saturday night. Went to work, and it was me, Abbie and Warren as usual. Well around 11ish, Warren disappeared into the office to do some server closeouts and it's just me and Abbie behind the bar. And it's just starting to really get busy when GUESS WHO WALKS UP TO THE BAR??
If you guessed Brazil, you would be correct.
I just looked up and there he was, right in front of me, and I said, "What the fuck!" because I was surprised. And he was like ,"What, am I not allowed to be here?" And I said, "What? I didn't say that..."
And then he said, "You pretty much said that."
And I said, "No, I just said 'What the fuck' because you surprised me."
Then he asked how I was doing (great!) and how is Jasper and where am I living. And I was trying to be...unaffected and as nice as possible. But it was just so awkward! Finally he took his 2 beers and left, and we were busy so I had enough to be getting on with. He and his friend lurked in front of the bar until some people got up and then they sat down and stayed for at least an hour. I completely ignored him. I served drinks to people on either sides of him without even making eye contact with him. I just pretended he wasn't there pretty much. He made another attempt to talk to me once when I walked by. He asked how I was doing, and I just said, "Fine, just busy working" and walked away.
Then finally, Warren comes back from the office just as Brazil is about to leave. And he's standing at the end of the bar, obviously waiting to say goodbye to me, but I just kept ignoring him, and eventually he left. And Warren goes, "Hey was that that guy that-"
"Yes," I interrupted him before he could make fun of me, "I don't know what he was doing here, I'm just glad he's finally gone."
"He was here trying to get laid." Warren said.
And then I told him that after our initial encounter at the bar, I seriously doubted that he thought he was gonna get laid. But Warren just said, "Guys are dumb. He probably still hopes he's gonna get laid." And I was just like, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me, I mean, no way!"
Well very shortly after that, Brazil texted me.
"Hey, sorry if it was akward (yes, he spelled it wrong) of me showing up out of nowhere today. Anyways, it was good to see you"

So I show Warren the text and he's like "I told you!" and then I was like, "Well what should I say??"
Well Warren had this awesome idea, which I am proud to say I used. Lol. Here is what I responded with:

Me: It was just really busy. So are you busy later?

Brazil: Im just at home now, surfing the web n stuff.. I guess that means .. Not busy?

Me: Wanna hang out when I get off work?

Brazil: For sure, if by any chance I don't respond is probably cause im passed out sleeping.
Brazil: But anyways, u have idea whne u will be done? Dont mean to bother, i know ur really busy

Me: Oh wait, hang on...I just remembered you're THE DOUCHEST BAG. But you're welcome at [our bar] anytime. Sweet dreams.

Brazil: That was unecessary, and you know it's not true.. Not cool peyton. You have no reason to say that to me, even if you think you do. Anyway, i hope ur doing fine, I'll disregard the insults.

A couple minutes go by...

Brazil: Douchest bag ever? WTF?

I'm sorry, I know it was terrible, and immature, yada yada, but it just felt soooo good!! And me and Warren seriously laughed about it for at least 20 minutes. It definitely made my  night. ((Sigh)) 
I didn't respond to him any more after that. It was just great. I just can't believe he was dumb enough to think that after I deleted him from my friends TWICE, and then completely ignored him at the bar, he thought I would wanna go over to his place?? In the words of Ron Weasley, "How thick can you get?" 
Also on a side note, it's really hard for me to type all his misspellings. Lol. Idiot.

Anyway, this is has been one interesting weekend. On another unrelated note, I gave my number to a hot guy on Friday night. Perhaps I'll hear from him, perhaps I won't? Meh... 

Anyway, I really could use some advice on the BJ situation? I mean I'm gonna see him in about a month, but I don't wanna like...invest too much into that right now because it just seems kind of silly. I dunno... Let me know what you all think.

Flame on, muthafuckaz!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Love: The Great Debate

Lately, I've found that two different sides of my personality have been having this recurring internal argument about love.

My jaded, possibly bitter, definitely pragmatic side argues that love is probably not real at all. It's just a fluff word that people use to romanticize something that is convenient for them. When you're young, you may "fall in love" a time or two. It's new, it's exciting, you're experiencing all these new things and sharing them with another person. But that newness, that fire, it always wears off eventually. Usually when you discover that the guy you're seeing is actually a vile, semi-comatose troll, or a perhaps nymphomaniac, whose tastes aren't limited to just you. And then you tell yourself, "Oh, I'm so young, I have so much time, and I'm sure The One will come along eventually. No rush to meet someone now."

And then you get a little older, like me, and you find that dating is like a second job. A job you hate and don't get paid for and find yourself constantly wondering why you're doing it. The men you meet are few and far between. You go for months without speaking to anyone of the opposite sex. Finally you're like, "Well fuck, I'm never gonna meet anyone, and all the good ones are already taken, and God why am I so damn picky? Perhaps I should just accept my fate as a spinster and start watching the home shopping network and collecting cats."

Then another 10 years go by and maybe you meet someone who really makes you laugh, or who's always around when you want to veg out in front of the television, or maybe they're just good in bed, and despite your lack of attraction to this person, or the fact that he is a foot shorter than you, or 20 pounds overweight, or $50k in debt, you think, "Sure, yea I could spend the rest of my life with this person. I mean it's better than being alone. At least I'll be able to get a house and have someone to split the mortgage with." Or maybe you're one of those people who really wants kids, and you're sick of waiting for Mister Perfect to come along, so you just pick a guy who's able to support a family, and wants kids as much as you do. Or, maybe you're sick of living paycheck to paycheck, so when you meet a man who's wealthy, you look past his saggy man boobs, silver ball hair and hemorrhoids, and marry him.

All these things have to be taken into consideration when choosing a life companion. So where does the fabled and elusive "Love" actually come into play? I don't think it actually does. I think it's just a nice name for all these conveniences, these necessary affiliations. I think Love is just what people call it, so that when they go to bed at night, they can feel ok about their relationship and their life, because really all people want is security, stability. When you get to be 35-40, you don't want to wake up wondering if you have enough money in your checking account to pay your rent. You don't want to have that same nagging conversation in your head about whether there actually is a guy out there for you. You don't want to sit alone in your studio apartment wondering how long it would take for someone to find you if you were to drop dead at that very moment. You want to know you're going to be ok.
And that's why I think Love doesn't really exist.

On the other hand, my romantic, dare to be hopeful side, thinks that if people are still getting married, there must be something to it. There must be some rhyme or reason behind fairy tales and love stories. Right? Awe fuck it.