Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)

I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

The Space Between Us

I woke up this morning with a photo and a message from Jamie. I slept for maybe another hour, then when I woke up again, we started talking. We chatted for a while, about the election, and some other stuff. Eventually the conversation turned a little bit naughty... He was at work, and I just can't help but tease him when I know he's surrounded by people and trying to control himself lol. So I was revving his engines a little bit, just for the fun of it. Then he said he had to go into a meeting, but we still kept talking....

Jamie: You're pushing a lot of my buttons right now

Me: :) 
Me: I love pushing your buttons. It's very satisfying.

Jamie: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying it also

Me: I know, lol. Are you going to have a hard on in your meeting?

Jamie: Haha it's finished so I'm just about to drive home...

Me: Were you just having that conversation with me DURING your meeting??

Jamie: It was an audio and the big part of the agenda was cancelled

Me: Hahaha. You're still bad...
Me: I do enjoy you, Jamie. Lol maybe too much.

Jamie: How do you mean?

Me: I enjoy how easily I can turn you on for one
Me: And you make me laugh

Jamie: Haha my male weakness for you
Jamie: I'm glad I do though, and it's felt in return also

Me: I hope so

Jamie: No need to hope

Me: I just don't speak to many people with such...candor.
Me: And none of them are male except you
Me: Not that I'm having sexy conversations with my girlfriends or anything...lol.

Jamie: That's good to know and sincerely received. Distance is a bit of a fucker isn't it

Me: Yeaaaa let's just not go there right now

Jamie: Agreed, I'm going to have to jump in the car now though. Can we chat later if you're around?

Me: Sure

Jamie: Enjoy your day x

Me: You too

I didn't hear from again today, but I haven't stopped thinking about our conversation. The fact that he referenced the distance between us in that particular way kind of startled me. I mean did I read that wrong? Was he just referencing the fact that we can't have sex, or was it more than that? At the time, I assumed it was more, but maybe I was reading too far into it, I don't know... I just wasn't prepared for that topic, in any context. And I don't want to talk to him about that via electronics. I want to have that conversation in person, if we have it at all. It's too easy to write something like this off when you're chatting online or via text. I want to see his face and hear his voice, and I want him to do the same.
But who knows. Maybe he didn't mean anything by it.
What I do know is, I love the idea of him. The idea of him being this far off, yet possibly attainable future. And the idea of having someone to talk and laugh with, and kiss and fuck, and be in love with. And everything about him is so disarming to me. I'm not the same way about him as I am with most guys. Not as prickly or wary. I mean yea, he's attractive and charming and I know I can't be the only one who sees that. But he still seems to want me. Despite the improbability of it all, and the inconvenience and maybe even the pointlessness, he still wants to talk to me. Regularly! He still wants to come back and see me. How easy it would've been for him to just...have his fun with me for that one weekend and never talk to me again. It's what I expected, in fact, and I was ok with it! But he didn't do that. He stuck around, figuratively speaking. So now I'm just thinking about him constantly, and trying not to. And I'm hoping against hope that he can be my date to this wedding, and imagining how amazing it will be to see him again. ((sigh))
I guess I really am just a hopeless romantic.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Runaway Trains

I know, I know...it's been a while. I've been kind of avoiding blogging because it means I have to confront and acknowledge my feelings. Lol. I'm not really sure where to start. I've been super busy the last couple months with work, which hasn't left a lot of room for dating, or anything like that.
But in regards to my those feelings I've been avoiding... it's Jamie. We've been talking a lot more lately. I mean we have been keeping in touch, but kind of just sporadically. But over the last couple months, our communication has become much more frequent. We talk almost every day now. And a couple months ago he was talking about coming back to NOLA in the new year, so I offhandedly suggested he come the first week of February and be my date to Bethany's wedding. At first he was like, "Well isn't that kind of a big deal?" And I was like, "HA! No. As many weddings as I have to go to?" Then we laughed and I mentioned how it would be fun - dressing up, open bar, dancing, and of course having him for arm candy lol. And he basically said he'd be delighted to go with me. Of course at the time, it was still kind of a ways off and I didn't really expect him to commit to something like that right then and there. But it's come up twice more since, and he still says he wants to go with me. And then today he told me there's a restructuring going on at his work, and he may be transferred, promoted or laid off. Most likely promoted, but he still may have to move to another city. Anyway, he's going to let me know about the wedding by the weekend. So hopefully I'll know for sure by then!
The other thing is, a lot of the times our conversations begin with him telling me he's thinking of me and he's lonely/horny. Lol. But lately, our conversations have been more about life, and and stuff he likes and stuff I like, and funny stories about our past and our families... Today he even let me pick out a suit for him! He's going to buy it next month lol. And he asked me about my past relationships. That felt kind of like...we crossed over into some new territory. And there was something else he said...I have to go back and find it.

"I mean New Orleans is my favourite place, the food, culture, music, I love the Saints, despite the rain today your weather's pretty amazing and then there's this extremely beautiful girl there who's offering to tie me up..."

Lol, about the tying up, I said I wished he could come watch TV in bed with me and he said he didn't think he'd be able to watch the TV if he was in bed with me, so I said I'd just have to tie him up. Haha. Of course that led to some sexy talk.
But anyway...I don't know what this is exactly, and I'm not naive enough to believe he doesn't pursue girls across the pond, or date, or fuck, or whatever, but it feels like something. We've never actually really said anything about our feelings towards each other, other than physical attraction, and fun.
But when he comes back, because I know he will, weather he goes with me to the wedding or not, we are going to see each other and sparks are going to fly, and I'm not going to be able to pretend this is just a friendly casual thing anymore. I'm afraid it will turn into another Lane situation and that left me totally wrecked...
I'm still willing to risk it though, because I feel like, if I fell for him, and he fell for me, and the stars aligned and all that crap, I would move to England to be with him in a heartbeat. Or maybe he'd consider moving here since he loves it so much. Who knows!? Maybe you think I'm crazy, since I said the same thing about Lane, but I meant that too! It's really rare to have such an intellectual, emotional, AND sexual connection with someone. And in my opinion, that's worth sacrificing things for. I realize this is all so far fetched and it's silly to even consider, but sometimes I just can't control my trains of thought. ((Sigh)) And having been single for so long, sometimes those runaway trains are all I've got.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.

Monday, August 8, 2016

New Beginnings

Sorry I've been MIA. It's been crazy. Sophie is back from Central America. She moved all her shit into my front room, stayed with me in my bed for a week (during which I basically didn't sleep), and then she left for 3 weeks to travel around the US visiting friends. She'll be back in a week. In the meantime, my roommate has moved out. Well, almost. She still has a bunch of dishes here, and she still has to get the carpet steam cleaned since her dumb dog pissed all over it. But for the last week, I've been here, all on my own! In some ways it's been nice. I mean, I've always liked living alone. But after spending the last year having Jenn for a roommate, even though we didn't hang out that often, with her working from home, she was just always here, ya know? So now the house just seems...empty. Aside from all the animals lol. Sophie's 2 cats are here, and they've been a royal pain in the ass. My cats are eager to get to know them and play with them, but they are less than enthused. It doesn't help that for the first week they didn't have their own space to live in, since Jenn hadn't moved out yet. Then when she did move out, I basically had to move all Sophie's shit over there myself. But by then, her cats didn't WANT to go over there! They like it better in my living room now! UGh...
Anyway, enough about cats. God, is this what's gonna happen to me if I live alone again?? I'll turn into a crazy cat lady?? I guess it's a bit lonely here. I have gotten a lot of reading done though. Hopefully things will be good when Sophie gets back. This weekend Carrie is coming into town again, just her, for the Red Dress Run, and she is staying with me. I told her about how disappointed and pissed I was when she bailed on me last time. She apologized and said there was some drama over at Lauren's place with her sisters alcoholic ex-husband. I dunno....
I've got nothing to report in the dating world, but I did make a new friend! I started using Bumble BFF and I went out on a friend date with a girl named Lauren last week. Yep, Lauren. Lol. It's Lauren 2.0! Hahaha. She seems to be in the same boat as me, being the last single person in her social circle, and having friend troubles, etc. We really hit it off! I'm hopeful that it will become a lasting friendship. It'll be nice to have a wingwoman again. Somebody to have happy hours, brunch, and girl time with.
A lot of things are changing right now in my life. Not super major things really, just...a lot of little things. It should be interesting.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

The Mutual Exclusivity of Friendships and Significant Others

I've been struggling, but somehow I'm keeping my head above water. Mostly I think because I've just been too busy to worry. I started a second job this week, to supplement my income, thank god, and I just sort of hit the ground running. But let me go ahead and fill you in the last couple weeks.
July 1 was Bethany and Tony's couples engagement shower thing. I really, really didn't wanna go. That was like the day after my last post, I was feeling really shitty, and just didn't think I could handle that. But since I'm a bridesmaid, it would have looked back if I didn't go, and Lauren basically forced my hand by saying she wouldn't make any excuses for me if Bethany asked why I wasn't there. we agreed to ride together, and I told her I probably wouldn't be very good company, but she said she didn't care as long as she didn't have to go by herself. Well it was an open bar, and I ended up just getting shitfaced on chardonnay and tequila shots. Who does that?! Lol. The night actually turned out ok though. I met a nice, attractive guy at the shower, and sort of...latched onto him. Not in a clingy way, I mean, he was interested! But Lauren ended up leaving early, and Vicky, one of the other bridesmaids, convinced me to stay and said she'd give me a ride home, because everyone was going out afterwards. Well I rode to the bar with the guy, Brian. I was already really drunk by this point. Everything at the bar is really fuzzy. Brian ended up driving me home. I don't know what happened to Vicky. He walked me to the door, and came inside and we kissed, and talked for a bit, but that's it. He's apparently very allergic to cats, so he basically left ASAP. Lol.
The next day I woke up super hungover and I was supposed to drive to Houston. But I literally couldn't move. Then my cousin Macie called, because she was in town for the weekend with her boyfriend. She's a sophomore at Louisiana Tech. I asked her if they could drive me to my car, and she said ok. So they both came over, and we sorta just goofed around for a while. I still couldn't muster the energy to really get up and get going. Then Macie convinced me to come to lunch with them and Grandma. I figured, free lunch, why not? But seriously, by the time I got my car, packed up and was ready to go to Houston, it was like 7pm. And the drive sucked, but at least there wasn't any traffic. Surprising since it was Saturday before Independence Day. The reason for my trip to Houston is because my Aunt Raquel (Jenna and Amy's mom) finally passed away after 3 years in hospice with early onset dementia. She'd been in really bad shape, so it came as a surprise to no one, but because Jenna is one of my best friends, of course I wanted to be there for her.
It was around midnight when I got in, and I was completely exhausted after the night before, and just the week I had. I had to drive to Baton Rouge early in the morning 3 days in a row for training for the new job, and just hadn't gotten much sleep. But my dad made me get up to go to church with him the next morning. He said all my old friends were in town and they'd be there! But literally no one was. In fact, there were less people there than a normal Sunday. But whatever. Afterwards, we went to my Aunt Jeanie's for food and swimming with the family. The family that I've been basically estranged from. ((Sigh)) I didn't put up a fuss about it though because my dad's sister just died, and I knew Jenna would be there. It was actually ok. I had fun, other than my douche cousin Paul telling me I must have a small brain because I said horoscopes are horseshit. ((eye roll)) He is such a prick. Anyway, I basically went home and slept after that, still not having caught up on sleep.
The 4th was spent with Taryn and her boyfriend. Even though her bf was there, it was some much needed bestie time and we had a blast. We got day drunk, went swimming, went out for drinks, and then ended up at someone's high rise apt to watch the fireworks. Once we were there, inside said apt, someone mentions to me that Brandon lives there. Brandon, as in my ex. The last actual boyfriend I had. I honestly wish no one even told me because after that I could not stop obsessing over him, and how much I hate his current gf (which is true, she's a total twat), and how he took me for granted when we were together and broke up with me bc he said he thought I was going nowhere in life... Ugh. I rarely get embarrassed, but drunk me was literally spouting this shit to anyone who would listen. Luckily, he wasn't there.  He was in Europe with the twat gf for a wedding. Ugh. But I'm sure someone will tell him I was there, in his house, and how I couldn't stop talking about him. ((Sigh)) Whatever.
I drove back to NOLA the next day. Back to reality! Brian continued to text me, despite my drunk shenanigans at the wedding shower. Carrie texted to let me know she would be in Louisiana this weekend. Since she's moving to Baton Rouge with her boyfriend. Another one bites the dust... I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. I mean I'm glad she's moving closer to here, but I doubt that will change much, honestly. So I worked all week, and everything kinda just flew out of my head about the weekend. Friday night I texted Lauren, asking what she was up to, no response. Then Sunday morning rolled around, and I got a group text from Carrie to Lauren and I. She said she and her bf, Jack, were gonna drive into the city that afternoon, and she wanted us to all go out to dinner so we could meet him. I said sure, sounds great, and then she asked me if they could stay at my place, because she had a job interview Monday on the north shore. I said ok, and began making a mental list of all the things I'd have to do to get my place ready for overnight guests. Then finally, Lauren chimes in with, "Would y'all want to just come to my house for dinner? [Dallas] is in town and we were just planning on making pizzas at the house and hanging at home. We have plenty of food and wine. :D"
I literally started crying. Maybe it was because it was early, and I was still in bed and really tired. Or maybe it's because I'd been really looking forward to some more much needed girl time and I just can't seem to get any without everyone's fucking boyfriends around! I don't really know why I started crying, it was just my reaction.
I said, "Ugggghhhh ok I'm out."
Carrie: Wtf Peyton
Me: Sooooo dont wanna be a 5th wheel right now.
Lauren: My sister is going to be there too.
Yea, cuz she fucking LIVES there. NOT the same.
I didn't respond.
Then Carrie called. I felt weird trying to explain to her that I'm trying really fucking hard to not get depressed, and hanging out with you guys and your boyfriends is not going to help. I can't remember exactly what I said, I just told her I didn't wanna hang out with couples, I couldn't deal with it right now. And she tried to convince me it wouldn't be like that, and she doesn't act coupley, and the guys would go off and talk and we could just hang out... But I still declined. I told her it wouldn't make a difference who the couples were, I just can't do it. And she said she understood. Then I suggested we meet up after and go for drinks, since she and Jack were gonna stay at my place anyway, and she agreed.
Since I had the day off from work, I spent it cleaning, doing laundry, and changing my bedding, since I was gonna let them have my bed, and just take the couch for the night. I cleaned the litter box, and the kitchen, and got rid of any clutter around the house. It took most of the day. Then Brian texted and asked what I was doing later. I forgot I'd told him I was off Sunday and that maybe we could hang. Of course, that was before I knew Carrie and Jack would be sleeping over. So I told him what was going on, and I said he could join all of us for drinks. He seemed a little uncomfortable with that though, and asked if we could just meet first, before I go out with Carrie and Jack. So I agreed.
I texted Carrie and said, "I'm gonna go on a sort of date. He knows I'm meeting up with you though, but I'll probably go to the other side of the river. So let's just keep in touch."
Carrie: I can just stay here if that's easier? But if you wanna ditch him let me know and I will come over. I don't want to interrupt.
Me: No! I don't wanna change our plans! I'm just meeting him for a couple drinks.
Carrie: I will be back next weekend too
Me: I have to work all wkend next week cuz I'm filling in for a girl who's gonna be out of town, but if you would rather stay with Lauren, that's fine
Carrie: No that's not it at all, just didn't want to interrupt your date. We are about to eat, what you thinkin? 8?
Me: Yea that's cool

So I go to meet Brian around 6:45. The date went well I guess, but it's definitely not gonna work out between us. Aside from the fact that he's terribly allergic to cats, he wants five fucking kids! FIVE! That is completely out of the question. We actually had an interesting debate about that.
You know what I really hate? People basically telling me that I should want children, because - insert one or more here:
A) It's expected of me, as a woman
B) It's just what married couples do
C) You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy
D) You can't be happy or fulfilled without children
E) I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want them!

I get this from men and women alike. Honestly, more from women. There are several reasons that I don't want kids, and I can think of a lot more cons than pros. Sure, people who have kids love them. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't have been just as happy if they never had any in the first place!
Anyway, that's a rant that deserves a post of it's own, so back to the story...

It's not gonna work between Brian and me, but he's a nice guy. About 45 minutes into our date, I get a text from Carrie. It's 7:30pm. "What up. We are just going to stay here. We have been drinking. Y'all have fun."
I was pissed, but almost unsurprised. I didn't respond.
When I got home I was even more upset than that morning. I cleaned my fucking house and did laundry and all this stuff for them to came stay and she just fucking blew me off to have couple time with Lauren and Dallas. It's like because I'm single and now they are not, I no longer FIT in, because I don't have a dude to bring.

So that's basically my life right now. I haven't talked to Carrie since, although she just texted me about something random. I don't know what to say because I'm upset and I want her to know I'm upset and I want her to know why, but I also don't want it to become a thing between us. She's generally a good friend, and was single for a long time too, so it's not like this is common.
I didn't go to dinner with them because sometimes you have to be able to give yourself what you need. You have to prioritize your own needs before others. And that's what I did, and I'm still the one getting shit on for it.

Thursday, June 30, 2016


It's happening again and I don't know how to stop it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Last Woman Standing

Well apparently Abbie's wife has been cheating on her since February with some woman she works with. Abbie's twin, Reagan, found out quite by accident. They all share a family phone plan, and Reagan was looking over the bill when she noticed that Helen's call log had been manually deleted, which was odd, as well as a strange number that was being texted a lot, late at night. So she mentioned it to Abbie, and Abbie confronted Helen, and she denied it at first, but "gradually" came clean, only admitting to a little bit at a time.
Abbie said she is heartbroken, and still loves Helen, and she thought they were still in their honeymoon phase, despite the fact that Helen has been callous and bitchy towards her recently. She cried on the phone, and said she feels like a failure and she doesn't want to tell anyone that Helen cheated. I think she's being way too accommodating. What a cunt! Ugh... I feel so bad for her. But she said her new job as a flight attendant has helped keep her distracted and busy. So that's good. Hopefully she'll meet some new people and being away from Helen will make it easier for her to move on.
So that's what's going on with that.

So for the past several months, Lauren has been kind of seeing this guy she met on Tinder who lives in Dallas. He's been here to visit a few times, and she's gone there, but she always spoke of him as if he was more of a friend than a romantic interest. Like, she thinks he's really funny and they have a good time together, but she wasn't that attracted to him physically. And then there was the fact that they basically never had sex. Apparently she tried to initiate it several times, and it just...didn't work. So that's definitely not a good sign. So based on all of that, I never really gave Dallas Guy much thought. But then she went there this past weekend and she told me on Sunday that he asked her to move in with him! IN DALLAS! Apparently the lack of sex was due to the fact that he "really really likes her" and was nervous, and after they talked about it, everything was fine in the bedroom. And she said she is actually thinking about it. If she leaves, I'll just DIE!! She is my ONLY remaining single friend! Not to mention, basically my only friend AT ALL here in NOLA. I mean, there's Bethany, but we just don't have much in common anymore and I don't feel as close to her as I did back in the day. Plus, she's completely consumed with work and wedding planning. Ugh.
If Lauren leaves, who will I go out with on the weekends? Who will be my trusty wingwoman? Who will go to last minute happy hour with me? Who will be my travel buddy on road trips to Houston??? MY SOCIAL LIFE IS GOING TO DIE A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH! Not to mention my sex/dating life, which I pretty much owe entirely to her. I never would have met any of the guys I met this year if I wasn't out with Lauren. ((Sigh))
I know Sophie is coming, which is good, but...it's not the same as having a girlfriend my own age to pal around with. And she doesn't really go out much, and we run in very different circles. We've always had our own friends. I've had terrible anxiety over this for the last couple days, because I don't want my life to go back to the way it was. When I was boring and always at home watching tv and eating. I could gain back all the weight I lost! UGHHHHHH....
Making new friends is hard.
Meeting men is hard.
I thought I had a handle on that situation, but now all of that could go down the toilet. ((Sigh))

I haven't heard from Kyle all week either. Not since he apologized for responding late to a text I sent him. He was at a haunted house with his brother and he said he doesn't like to be on his phone when he's doing things with other people, which I understand and respect. But now he's in Miami all week, and I told myself I wouldn't text him AT ALL. And I haven't. But he hasn't texted me either, which is not a good sign.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Sex, Dating, Marriage and Cheating

Sorry if I left you guys hanging. Apparently some of you were confused by my reaction to finding out "The Cheater" had a gf. Ok. Initially yea, maybe my reaction was inappropriately strong. But it obviously came as a complete shock to me. And yes, it's true, I knew next to nothing about the guy when I slept with him, and what we had lasted one night, and was 85% just physical. The fact still remains, I wouldn't have done any of it if I'd known he was supposed to be committed to another person. I'm not ok with that. I'm not a pure hedonist, there is always a line we have to draw. After everything that happened with Lane, I came out the other side of a dark tunnel pretty much, with my back straight and my head up, refusing to let my broken heart take me deeper into that tunnel, where surely depression and anxiety and hopelessness waited for me. I've been there before, I'm familiar with the road that leads to that, and I made a choice not to take that road. Instead, I chose the road of distraction, pleasure and indulgence. I don't regret that choice, because it's far better than the alternative, but perhaps I continued down that path a little too long. And finding out about Eric's girlfriend was sort of an eye opener. I'm not saying I'm going to revirginize myself or anything, but going forward, I want to be a bit more informed on my choices. I don't think cheating is ok, ever. Under any circumstances. I've cheated, and been cheated on. In the long run, it's hurtful to everyone involved, and any pleasure derived from the experience comes at a hefty price. Not to mention, it's baggage I just don't need! So those are my feelings on that.

Anyway, Abbie just called and dropped a huge bomb on me. She and Helen are getting a divorce. They haven't even been married a year! The selfish part of me is angry because I spent so much money to be in their wedding and had to fly to Chicago when I was broke and going through a really rough time, and so much time and thought (and more money) went into the gift I got/made for them, and so much time and grief (on my part as well as Abbie's) went into their whole courtship (I was in Chicago for all of that), and now it's all just going down the drain! The phone call was very brief, because Abbie was at work, but she did tell me that Helen cheated, and apparently her twin sister, Reagan, is the one who figured it out. She promised to call me later tonight and explain everything. ((Sigh)) I'm going to be thinking and wondering and speculating about this all day. Of course I feel awful for Abbie, and genuinely shocked. They seemed so in love! And I really did believe Helen was the best woman for the job! (Being Abbie's wife) Cuz Abbie's no walk in the park. I mean, just being her friend was pretty much a full-time job, and she's high maintenance! Maybe that's why Helen cheated? She's also pretty young. I think she was only 24 or 25 when they got married. Still! NOT AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT! Ugh...
Every time this happens I lose a little bit more hope for myself. I know, I know, it's not about me. But if any of you are one of the last TWO single people left in your group of friends, you'll understand. It's just me and Lauren now. One of us will end up in a relationship eventually, and the other one will be fucked. And I don't want it to be Lauren, but of course, I don't want it to be me either. ((Sigh))

Speaking of relationships, Chris hasn't answered my last 2 texts. At first I thought he might be traveling, because the last time I saw him, he mentioned he was gonna have to go to Detroit and somewhere else. But in the past, he's always been pretty good at responding to my messages, so either I said or did something the night of my bday that put him off or freaked him out, or it's just ran its course. Who knows? Our time together had an expiration date anyway, so perhaps it's better this way.
And Kyle promised to take me out for a late bday dinner as well. That was supposed to happen the weekend after my birthday. We had a restaurant picked out and he was going to pick me up and everything. But the morning of our date, he called and said he left his work laptop at his hotel in Dallas and had to drive all the way back to get it because he could get in big trouble. He apologized a lot and begged me not to hate him and swore he'd make it up to me, but we have yet to reschedule. ((Eye roll)) First he got sent off shore, and this weekend I'm super busy with work, and on Sunday he's leaving for a work conference in Miami for a week. Ugh! I'm not sure if this will ever happen. Maybe in another 2 years? Lol. As much as I would like to see him and find out if we still have that chemistry we had 2 years ago, I'm not holding my breath. But in the meantime, my bootycall well has dried up. So I'm taking that as a sign that my 6 month foray into the life of Dorian Gray has come to an end. I really do want something more meaningful than that.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016


I wanted to blog yesterday, but my laptop charger stopped working and I was trying to save my computer battery before I went and bought a new one. Anyway...birthday weekend was a huge success! Lauren and Bethany and I went out for brunch, then some day drinking, and I finished the night off by getting together with Chris, and having some mind blowing bday sex. His flight got in at 5pm ON MY BIRTHDAY so it worked out perfectly. This weekend coming up should be a good one too, because Kyle will be back in town, and he says he's taking me out for a late birthday dinner. We've been texting all day. And I keep telling myself that I am NOT going to sleep with him. I mean it's been 2 years since I've seen him, so what's the rush? Maybe I can actually squeeze a few dates out this guy, who knows? All I know is, it seems like I'm actually having my needs met in the sex dept right now, and I want more than that. So I'm going to give Kyle a shot.
Speaking of the sex dept, that guy I hooked up with from Austin a couple weeks ago, the half Chinese really beautiful one with the longish hair? He texted me the other day asking me when I was coming to Austin and we were chatting for a bit. He made some comment about us sleeping in "my bed" and I was like, "Uh, what about YOUR bed? You're the one who lives in Austin, not me."

And he said, "Nah, I never let people sleep in my bed." RED FLAG!

So I said, "Why? Do you have a thing for bedwetters or something?" Trying to keep it light.

"Haha, no, it just always causes trouble."

"Trouble? What kind of trouble? Doooo you sleep in a cardboard box? Have voyeurs for roommates? Are you married? Wtf??"

"I do have 2 roommates, ya. And no, I'm not married, but I do have a gf."

"You're joking, right?"

"I don't lie."

"Well you failed to mention that when we met. That's considered a lie of omission. Now you're saying you wanna hook up again?? Clearly, something isn't right in your so-called relationship. Perhaps you should spend some time figuring that out instead of cheating on your gf. Because I don't want any part of that."

"That's fine, I respect that. I'm not trying to do anything you're not comfortable with. It's a long distance thing, and she's weird, but it is what it is."

This went on for a while, him basically making up excuses, and trying to convince me that it's okay for him to cheat, and me trying to explain that while maybe he thinks it's ok, I do not, and it's totally not cool that he made me a party to his cheating without even telling me! Then he was like, "Ok well you don't have to be so mean about it" and I was basically like, "HA! I'm not going to apologize for what I said. I was just being honest. You're the one who is in the wrong, not me."
After that I fell asleep, because it was late. He sent me like 3 more texts saying I should just let it go and not be mad cuz that will make me miserable. ((Eye roll)) What a dolt! Ugh. I'm not even mad really, I'm just so disgusted. I guess now I have to flat out ask every guy I meet if he's actually single!? And I'm really surprised that after my initial reaction of disapproval, he continued to text me as if he either cares what I think, or he still thinks he has a chance of hooking up with me. In fucking September!
I seriously don't understand dudes... I mean he is younger than most of the guys I date/hook up with, but I knew going into it that it was just a one night thing, I wasn't expecting anything else. Certainly not that he'd end up having a girlfriend! ((Sigh))

I made sure to ask Chris if he was single the other night. He gave me a weird look and confirmed that he is, in fact single. What a relief.

Monday, May 9, 2016


Well I haven't seen or spoken to Adam since that night, so clearly, that's over. Chris is still in California, ugh... Not a whole lot has been going on, actually. I'm fostering a 3 week old kitten who needs bottle feeding, and that's about all the excitement I've got right now! The kitten is really cute though. He's tiny with HUGE eyes and teeny nose, and a cute little pot belly. Lol. Anyway, I did have a one night stand with a really hot guy in town from Austin a couple weekends ago. He's half Chinese, half white, with shoulder length hair, and he's gorgeous. But of course, he doesn't live here. I might see him again though, because Bethany's bachelorette party is gonna be in Austin, and I mentioned it to him. We exchanged numbers, but haven't talked since I dropped him off at the airport the next morning. So we'll see.
I've been texting on and off with this guy, Kyle, I met here in NOLA on my 30th bday. I briefly mentioned him in my blog 2 years ago. We met on my bday, and really hit it off, and exchanged numbers. We texted back and forth for quite a while, but I went back to Chicago, so it fizzled after a while. But we've texted here and there over the past 2 years, and it's picked up a bit more recently. We actually haven't even seen each other since the night we met. He was in flight school for a while, and now he's...well I dunno where he is exactly. In Louisiana, but not in New Orleans. I have a feeling we may see each other soon though. I hope so anyway. There's a lot of chemistry there.
Ok enough about guys. Sophie is moving in when my roommate's lease is up and I'm really excited! We have all these plans. We're gonna paint and redecorate, and throw a party! And it'll be nice having her around. Although we haven't actually lived together since we were both under our parents' roof. I think it'll be good though. We (generally) travel well together, so I think we'll live well together.
My birthday is coming up again in a couple weeks. I can't believe I'm gonna be 32. I feel like I should have accomplished so much more by this point. ((Sigh)) It's probably gonna be an uneventful birthday. I'm gonna do brunch with Bethany and Lauren, just the 3 of us, since my cousins will be out of town, and Carrie and Taryn both have too much going on to make the trip up from Houston, apparently.
Anyway, I guess that's it really. Hopefully things get more exciting around here soon!

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Nothing's Coming Up

So I ended up spending the night at Adam's on Friday. It was pretty last minute. I was out with Lauren, and he was apparently drinking at some work function and he asked me to come over. I almost said no, but then I thought about the fact that Chris just left town, so it could be a while before I get any action lol. So I went over there. We stopped at a bar and had one drink, then we went up to his penthouse and watched an episode of Jeopardy. Lol. Then we went upstairs. Things started out fine, but I was in a really giggly mood for some reason. He put on some movie with Justin Timberlake, uhhhh...Alpha Dog! And he kept talking about how good it was. I've never seen it. But we were fooling around, and the movie was so distracting, and being in the weird mood I was in, every time a guy who wasn't Justin Timberlake popped up on the screen, I said, "Is THAT Justin Timberlake?" and then he'd be like, "No, that's so-and-so." This went on for about 15 minutes lol. Then he started licking and breathing in my ear, which was really giving me the giggles because he was tickling me. Anyway, after a solid chunk of foreplay, I was ready to move things along, and he kept talking about how he couldn't wait to get it in, but then...he couldn't. He had a chubby, but not like a full hard on. So I went down on him for what was like...surely the world record for longest blowjob ever and still no improvements!! UGh... He was moaning and sighing as if he was enjoying it, and I was giving it all I had, but after a while it was just starting to feel like work, because clearly, it wasn't going to happen and could we please just go to sleep already. And I found that my mind kept drifting back to Chris, and how sexy he is, and his perfect lips and how great the sex is and how much fun I have with him. In fact, the whole experience with Adam felt sort of far away. Like I was just not really that into it, more just going through the motions. I mean I was into it, I'm just not really that invested in him anymore I guess. The sex never happened either. He said he had whiskey dick since he'd been drinking since 7pm. I said it was cool and suggested we revisit the idea in the morning, and he agreed. Well, morning came and he didn't. Still couldn't get it up. WTF? Now I'm starting to wonder if he's gay. I mean he's a great dresser, and he wears Jo Malone cologne, and he complimented me on my nail polish. But there was the drinking... I just don't know! I asked my gay cousin about it, and he said it was probably just the booze, but no morning wood? That could be a red flag. Granted, we only got about 3 hours of sleep, so maybe that's not enough time for morning wood? I dunno... I'm just so...kind of...uuuuggggghhhhh ((sigh)) about it all now. Loss of interest I guess. I need to get out more. It's time for me to meet someone new.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Superman Returns

Every time I write him off, he pops back into the picture! It's like he can sense these things. Ugh... Adam texted me at 7:30am yesterday! He said he was getting off work at noon, and asked if I wanted to go day drinking with him. Under normal circumstances, I totally would have gone. But my circumstances yesterday were anything but normal. For one thing, it was 7:30am and I was barely awake. So my responses were rather brief and unenthusiastic (which is good). Secondly, I woke up with a UTI Tuesday morning, and had a doctor's appt yesterday at 2:45, and then an afternoon/evening full of piano lessons. Not to mention, once I actually got out of bed, I ended up spending most of the morning in the bathroom because of my stupid UTI. Thankfully, that's under control now, thanks to antibiotics. This is the world's way of letting me know that I can't have it all. And by "it all" I just mean sex. ((Sigh)) So anyway, I turned Adam down, but he continued to text me, and then said he might be able to go out later, after my piano lessons, but of course, that didn't happen. I dunno what he did all day yesterday, but he said he didn't go out, because "no one wanted to go with him". Lol. Boo hoo. It just figures he wouldn't ask me to hang out once during his week off, and then on his first day back at work, a day which I just happened to be really miserable and busy, he suddenly wants my company. ((Eye roll)) What am I gonna do about him?? This is just NOT working for me. But I can't really seem to resist him either. Blargh.

Monday, April 11, 2016

This Could Be Heaven or This Could Be Hell

Chris texted me around 7 or 8 last night and asked if I was going out. I was hoping to go out, but had no plans, so I said I wasn't sure. He said he was flying back from NYC, getting in around midnight and planning to go out for a few drinks and we should meet up. So we did! It was me, Chris, and his friend Joey, who was with him on the first night we met. He's pretty cool. By the time we got out, it was like 1:30am, but hey! We had a great time. We all ended up back in Chris's hotel room, and smoked pot out of an apple lol. Lauren asked me today if I'm sure I'm not in my 20's. I'm starting to think I might be, because I wasn't drunk enough to black out, but the last thing I remember is smoking that pot, and apparently Chris and I had sex and I have absolutely ZERO memory of that. But I woke up in my top and bra, naked from the waist down. Lol, hot. We had sex again this morning though, and that was pretty great, in addition to the benefit of me remembering it. God, he is so beautiful. He has these full, perfect lips that make you just wanna bite them. And the most charming smile. And his tattoos are so sexy. Oh, and his hair! It's so soft and shiny and full and running my hands through it, I imagine it's what quicksilver feels like. Every time I see him, I'm taken aback by how attractive he is. And it doesn't hurt that he's fun, and down to earth, and I don't feel like I have to play games with him, because I know it can't go anywhere. ((Sigh)) That's both an upside and a downside to the situation. I know I said I wasn't looking for a friends with benefits kind of situation, buuuuut that's basically what this is. Whatever. I don't wanna overthink it. I like Chris and we're having fun.
Didn't hear from Adam all weekend soooo I guess that's done. Again, whatever. It's not like I didn't have other things (read: hot guy) to do. 

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Return to Reality

Sorry I've been MIA, I was in Orlando at Harry Potter World with my dad, and Sophie and my dad's girlfriend, Laurie. We had a blast. Got back on Wednesday. No news with Adam really. He's off this week and we texted briefly, but he hasn't asked me to do anything, so I'm playing it cool, and keeping my distance. I refuse to text him until he texts me. I just need to meet someone else. ((Sigh)) I would like it to work with him, but...maybe he's just not that into me. Chris seems a bit more interested. He asked me to hang out Friday, but I was already in bed. I lied though and told him I was out with a friend so I wouldn't seem lame lol. Now he's gone for the weekend because his sister is having a baby. But he'll be back, and we're gonna hang out then. God, I wish he lived here. He's so hot!! And awesome. And doesn't seem to know or mind that I shat in his toilet! LOL.
Anyway...I just wanted to update everybody, even though I don't have much to report.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Back to the Basics

After the conversation with Adam, I didn't hear from him the next day, so I assumed he was blowing me off. Then when I did talk to him finally, he told me he'd gone to play trivia with some friends Thursday night...!?!?! So that also pissed me off and that was when I decided, "Ok, I'm done", which was I think when I left that comment in response to the mean, anonymous commenter. I know I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I'm still a fucking person! With FEELINGS. Whoever you are "Anonymous", maybe it's cool for you to use tough love on your friends, but I'm not your friend. You've never met me. You only know about me, what I choose to share with you and this..."relationship", for lack of a better word, that I have with you all as readers is obviously very one-sided. So keep that in mind before you decide to kick me when I'm down.
Anyway, so I decided I wasn't gonna waste anymore time waiting around for Adam, and get on with my life. He did text me back later that night saying "Hmmmmm" and then "Hello??" but I was already asleep and didn't bother responding the next morning.
Lauren's Dad passed away on Friday, and Carrie was here to pick up the puppy, but in light of all the tragedy, we didn't really go out Friday or Saturday night. We did go out Saturday during the day though. I had to work early in the morning. I got to take photos from the back of a motorcycle of a 10k race that was going on. It was pretty fun! And I posted a selfie of me and the guy driving the bike on Facebook. After work, Lauren said she needed a distraction, and a group of guys was in town for a bachelor party and she knew one of them. So we went out to lunch and drinks with them for a little day drinking. I was having a good time, and trying to keep Lauren laughing and distracted. I'm pretty good at that. Then I got a Facebook message from Adam, asking me if I'd had fun on the motorcycle that morning. I ignored him. Then 2 hours later, he sent me the same exact message via text! I ignored that too. At first... After I'd had a couple drinks I lost my will power and responded. I just figured, if he's sent me 4 messages in the last 12 hours with no response, he must actually still wanna talk to me...right?
But I played it really cool with him. Answered his questions, but didn't ask him any, not leaving the door open for more conversation unless he initiated it. And he did! So we chatted for a bit and then I decided when the conversation was over.
The next day, Sunday, I woke up with a sore throat and had to work in the rain for like 5 hours, which was really helpful. I was too busy to think about Adam really, but still, I waited for him to text first, and he did. I did the same thing yesterday and he texted again. I've been trying to maintain my distance, and not be so available, and...it worked! He came over last night, and we watched a scary movie and snuggled and had awesome sex. Several times. Both of us are basically sick now, so we were like what the hell? This morning we watched a couple episodes of Seinfeld this morning, before he had to leave to go to the doctor. Now I'm drinking hot tea and watching TV in bed as I type this.
I'm gonna try to keep doing what I've been doing the last couple days with Adam. I mean, I know he likes me, and he knows what I want. And it's not like I want that RIGHT NOW, I just don't want to waste anymore time if that's not an eventual possibility. But we kept it light last night. I probably won't see him again till next Wednesday, because on Saturday, I'm going to Orlando with Sophie, Dad, and his girlfriend, Laurel, who I LOVE, and we're gonna go back to Harry Potter World, of course, and I'm so excited!! And I won't get back till Wednesday the 6th of April, which happens to be the last day of Adam's work week. So we'll see what happens. I'm trying to play it cool, but I still feel pretty positive about it.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Late Night Musings with Adam

So just when I thought time was about to run out on Adam, he texted me in the middle of the night. And it just happened, I was awake. So we're chatting for a bit, and he suggests I come over. I'm like, "It's almost 4 in the morning..." and then this conversation happened. Sorry it's so long, but shit got a bit heavier than I anticipated and I want your thoughts.

So he must have passed out at this point, because our correspondence was getting more and more delayed, and since he told me he was probably gonna sleep another full day, I'm not surprised that I still haven't heard from him. I expect I will late tonight again. So since it HAS basically been 3 weeks since I've seen him, I feel like at this point, I would be totally fine with just not seeing him again. I mean not totally fine, but...it's not like I'd be smarting from rejection. I'm just not sure if that's really what this is? He said he'd be willing to try, I'm just not sure if he wants to. I dunno. The fact that we haven't seen each other in so long probably makes it easier for him to part ways as well. So part of me wants to give him another chance to be crazy about me, and part of me wants to just quit while we're ahead if this is going to be a waste of time. He seems like a great guy, and I like him, and I'd like to continue seeing him if this possibly has a future, but if he's not into it then....? Maybe it's just not meant to be. So what do you guys think?
P.S. "Murder Porn" means binge watching crime dramas lol.

Monday, March 21, 2016

I've Been Bad

So my friend Lauren who lives here recently found out that her dad has cancer. He started chemo a couple weeks ago, but on Thursday his doctors told them that his liver has completely shut down and they're stopping chemo, and he has 2-3 weeks left. She said she doesn't want sympathy or the "Are you ok?" treatment, she just wants to take her mind off it every once in a while. So Saturday night, we went out. I had to shoot a concert that night, but I met up with Lauren and her friends afterwards around 10:30. We hit a couple spots and then Lauren said she wanted to go Frenchman, so I loaded up all of us in my car and drove us down there. I'd only had 1 drink at this point, so still good to drive. Well as soon as I got us there and parked, Lauren said she needed to go home. She's the kind drinker where when she says, "I gotta go home", she really means it. Lol. If she doesn't go home, she'll either get sick or pass out somewhere. So she left with the guy she was with, and then it was just me and this other dude who I'd just met, and wasn't into. I mean, he was nice, but like... I wouldn't have wanted to go out on the town alone with him or anything. But I had just parked my car, and it was only midnight, so me and the dude decided to at least have 1 drink on Frenchman. So we walked into the closest bar. There was a live band playing and people dancing, and it was crowded. As we were making our way through the crowd, I noticed a group of like 4 or 5 guys, dancing, sans girls, on the dancefloor and just being goofy. And one of those guys was HOT. I made a mental note of this. He looks like a cross between The Model and Brandon Boyd from Incubus. ((Drool)) So I hit the ladies and the guy went to grab us drinks and then we chatted a bit. Then he said he needed to use the restroom, so I figured I would take that opportunity to see if the hot guy was still around. Well the dance floor was crowded enough that I was able to brush right by his friend, and he just happened to be wearing a pair of Luna Lovegood glasses. So I immediately asked him about the glasses, and boom! Conversation with hot guy was on. His name is Chris. We chatted about Harry Potter, music, and other silly things. And he kept saying he thought it was super cool that I was alone at the bar, even after I explained to him that I didn't actually show up alone. Of course, it turns out he doesn't live here. HE LIVES IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA. Ugh. But he's in tv production, and working on a show here until September. WORTH IT. Lol. So we had a few shots, and then things get a little fuzzy... I ended up going back to his hotel with him, and we had a pretty awesome time. It was after 6am by the time we went to sleep and he was supposed to be at work at 8:30 Sunday morning. Yea, that didn't happen lol. He says he set his alarm, but neither of us heard it and he shot out of bed at 9am in a panic. I was a bit hungover, but mostly just tired, and I had to work at noon. So after I left, he texted me! He said he wanted to see me again. So I worked, napped, showered, he did the same, and we met for dinner. Annnnd I spent another night with him.
Except this time things didn't go so smoothly...
My hungover self went through the drive through and ordered a fucking cheeseburger on my way home Sunday morning. I'm a pescatarian. I never eat meat. I felt ok though. Until after dinner. Then my stomach got the lurches and I was starting to worry. But it seemed to go away for a while, until we got back to his place. I had to take a shit. I just couldn't hold it! Lol. And he's staying at an extended stay hotel, not like a house, so the bathroom isn't as private and isolated as it could be! Luckily the exhaust fan turns on automatically with the lights, and Chris was playing music (Jeff Buckley - swoon!) so I figured I had a chance!
*DISCLAIMER* If you don't find toilet humor funny, you should stop reading now.
So I sit down on the toilet, and immediately I can tell that it's not going to be quiet. But I have this theory, that if you pull your ass cheeks apart, your farts will just escape silently, because there's no friction! It actually does work, if it's a dry fart, but that was not the case. It wasn't like a classic BBRRRRFFFT! fart noise that came out. It was abrupt and echoed in the toilet bowl, but still could be misconstrued as me knocking over the trash can, or perhaps opening the toilet lid. So I sat, frozen in mortification for a moment, hoping Chris didn't hear. But there was more. A couple more. Not as loud as the first, but still. UGhhhh, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I just NEEDED to get it out, I knew as soon as I did I would be 100%, but I didn't have the time or proper isolation to just take a shit! So I shat conservatively and then left the bathroom after what seemed not TOO long. I was just hoping against hope that he hadn't heard or noticed what had just happened.
And he actually seemed totally normal. But then things started getting a little hot and heavy, and I was so sure that I was going to let one rip mid coitus, that I couldn't relax or enjoy myself. ((Sigh)) I mean, we still had fun, but it was mostly strictly missionary position for me, or I risked literally shitting the bed lol.
So finally we "went to sleep". Not me. I laid there literally holding in my poop for hours. Waiting for it to either go away, or for Chris to fall asleep so I could go back to the bathroom. But then I realized it wasn't just poop anymore. My bladder was also quite full, and the pressure of a full bladder really wasn't helping my current situation! So I figured it was safe to get up and have a pee.
But again, once I was on the toilet, I knew what was coming. A big shit was coming, that's what. So I peed first and then waited till I knew it was going to all come out and I timed the flushing of the toilet with that moment so that he wouldn't hear it. I mean he was sleeping, but still. Success!! Or so I thought... I obviously still had to wipe and flush the toilet again. And when I did...nothing was going down! So there was just a big blob of poopy toilet paper floating in there! And no plunger. So I'm standing there whispering, "FUCK FUCK FUCK!" to myself as I frantically search around the tiny hotel bathroom for something...to what? I don't know! I waited till the water stopped and tried to flush again. Still nothing. FUCK! So I carefully and quietly took the lid off the tank and slowly lifted the lever to keep the water draining. That didn't work either, but fortunately, all the replacing of the water left what seemed to be clean toilet paper instead of shitty toilet paper. So I tried to carefully and quietly replace the tank lid. NOPE! LOUD FUCKING CLANKING PORCELAIN SOUND. UGHHHHH FML!!! Literally, "fuck it", is what I thought, and in the most clandestine moment of quick thinking I came up with a story. I hurried out of the bathroom, seemingly worried.
"Hey! Are you awake?" I whispered to him hoarsely. No answer, so I shook him a little, "Hey!"
"Hmmm...?" Either he was deeply asleep, or he's a really good actor, but he seemed totally out of it.
"Uhhh...earlier, did you happen to uh...feel anything inside me?"
"Huh? What you mean, like your birth control?"
"Yea, my ring. I can't find it."
"Well it was definitely there earlier."
"Well sometimes it can become...dislodged during sex. And usually I just check to make sure it's there afterward, but we fell asleep so I didn't. And I just spent like the better part of 13 minutes in the bathroom digging around in my vagina and I couldn't feel it. And then I think I may have put too much toilet paper in the toilet cuzzz it won't flush."
He still looked pretty out of it, but my worried act must've been convincing.
"Ok...well it was definitely there before. I felt it."
"Ok. Well...it could be in the bed. Or...possibly in the toilet."
"Do you need to look in the bed for it?"
"No, it's fine. I can look in the morning. Sorry about the toilet."
"Don't worry about it."
And we went to sleep. And this time, I actually slept. And I think he really did buy that story!!
So this morning, he got up to pee. I heard him flush the toilet, but I could tell it wasn't really flushing. When he came back from the bathroom, he said, "I guess I need to get maintenance up here. Did you ever find your ring?"
"Uhhhh no, but it's fine. I'll check later."
So we laid in bed talking for like 2 hours, and then finally he said he couldn't lay in bed anymore. I actually think he may have needed to take a shit because he called the maintenance person first thing. And I also really just wanted to sit on a toilet privately for a while. Lol. So he walked me to my car, which was sweet, and kissed me goodbye. A LOT. And he said, "Let's hang out again soon." And I, of course, acquiesced.
We texted some more after I got home and finally farted and shat and all that good stuff lol. UGH. I still can't believe that happened to me. Coulda been worse though I guess...
Well I do hope I see him again. I told him I have a whole list of restaurants he needs to try and he said we should start the tour on his next day off. So we'll see...

In other news, Adam. We've been having the same conversation all week. Are you home? No. Are you still sick? Yes. Have you been to the doctor? No. Why not?? I don't have time, but I'm seriously dying. Wah Wah WAhhhhh...
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. ((Sigh))
It's starting to get really old. My prediction for this weekend is he'll spend it in bed, being sick, instead of taking me out, because he refused to go to the doctor and get some fucking antibiotics. Which means, I'll hang out with Chris again, if that's an option. We'll see...

I honestly haven't had this much excitement or activity in my dating life in years. It must be the 20 lbs I lost. I really need to keep that weight off, so help me God!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Still talking, still haven't seen him. ((Sigh))

Saturday, March 12, 2016


He's gonna fucking move there, I can just feel it. UGGGGHHHH... This does not bode well.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Today Is The Worst.

Today is the worst. I had made up my mind to adopt one of the puppies I was fostering. I became super attached to him, and he's so fluffy and sweet! He got along with my dog AND even my cat! They love to play together! And I love him so much! Today I had to take all the puppies back to the SPCA to be spayed and neutered, and then the plan was to pick up Draper (mine) and Joan (the one Carrie adopted) and bring them back home with me.
But Sophie totally tanked that plan by telling me AFTER I DROPPED THEM ALL OFF, that if I adopt Draper, she won't move in with me this September. We were in the car, and I was on my way to drop her off at Tulane for meetings and stuff. I already got him a collar made with his name on it, and bought him a bed, and a double leash for he and Jasper to use when I walked them together... And of course I took the tags off everything. So then I cried the whole way home because I hadn't even said goodbye to him! I did eventually get to see him when I went to pick up Joan, but he was really out of it from his surgery, poor baby. And then I cried some more, of course. And I've pretty much been crying off and on all day. I was supposed to go to this P.h.D. dinner thing with Sophie, but I told her I decided to stay home. Partly because I don't feel like going anywhere, and I'm sad and miserable, and partly because I'm mad at her, because the reason I feel like this is her fault! She says with her 2 cats, another dog would just be too many animals. ((sigh)) I just miss him so much already. I know he'll find a home quickly, and someone will love him to death, I just wish it could have been me.

The only good news is, I ended up hearing from Adam yesterday almost right after I made my last post. So my moment of panic was shortlived. I guess he is still interested, or he wouldn't still be texting me, right? He's not coming back till Tuesday morning though! So again, I dunno when I'm gonna ever see him! Unless he wants to go out Tuesday night. But I'm not gonna ask him, he has to ask me. So we'll see...
Well, my sushi just arrived, so I'm gonna wallow in food and cuddle Joanie while I watch TV.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Dating Is The Worst

So I still haven't seen Adam since our ONE date, last Monday/Tuesday. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and not overanalyze, but let me present both sides and you all can judge for yourselves. PLEASE comment and give me your opinions.

This feels a lot like when a guy is either just not that into me, or he's not looking to get into a relationship, so he tries not to encourage the girl too much. Like, we went on the one date, and then had sex, so maybe he feels he doesn't need to pursue me anymore. Or maybe he just got what he wanted out of it and he's hoping it'll just fizzle. Over the last 4 days, our texting has slowed and I feel like I've been doing most of the initiation/driving the conversation. This worries me because I think I'm a pretty intuitive person, and generally when I start getting this vibe from someone, especially this early on, I just wanna let it go and move on before it gets worse.

PROS (or more aptly, Reasons/Excuses Why He May Seem Disinterested)
He has kept in touch with me throughout his work week, even if some of our messages were few and far between. And he did tell me it would be really hard for him to do anything during his work week because his schedule is so wack. He gets called in at weird hours, and sometimes has to work through the night and then try to sleep at the station while he waits for another ship to bring him back to the city. And then maybe the next day he works during the day and he's tired the whole shift, but then he can't sleep at night. So he doesn't sleep well and he doesn't sleep much during work weeks and is rarely home. I get that.
I was kinda hoping to maybe see him last night, because his work weeks begin and end on Wednesdays, so I knew he'd be off, but he told me an old professor of his was in town so he was going to meet up with him.
The other thing is, he's flying to LA today to meet with his friend who wants him to basically be a COO of his company or some shit. And he told me on our date that he was really nervous about it, because he doesn't have any experience in that area and he doesn't think he has enough confidence to really "own a room". He even went to the bookstore and bought a couple books on business and about being confident. So I know he's probably had a lot of his mind with that, and he won't be back until Sunday or Monday, I can't remember which.
I did tell him he'd probably be getting some drunk texts from me this weekend while he's in LA, since Sophie is here and we're going out Friday night, and he'll be 2 hours behind over there. His response was that he loves drunk texts, so that is encouraging.
The other thing is, he told me he would always be honest with me and he specifically said that if he's seeing someone and he's just not into them, that he would TELL that person that. He actually told me the last girl he briefly dated was a setup by one of his neighbors, and it turned out that they didn't really have chemistry. So he broke it off, and told her he just didn't see it going anywhere, but she still texts him apparently. So I would hope that if he wasn't into me, he would do me the same courtesy, and just tell me. And then I would NOT continue to text him.

Ok so that's everything I think. But I haven't heard from him at all today, and he hasn't even left yet. Although he did say he was getting a massage today and he sleeps a lot when he finishes a work week. Probably nice to be back in his own bed (which is super comfy, btw). So what do I do? Do I send him a text and wish him a safe flight and good luck etc, or do I wait and just drunk text him tomorrow night? Do I ask him if he wants to get together next week? Or do I do neither and wait till he gets back and see if I hear from him?
Did I completely misread him and he's blowing me off and I'm just too in denial to see it??
UGhhhh dating is the worst.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

March So Far

You're right, I was freaking out over nothing, but that's just what I do, initially. I just need a little time to reflect and talk myself down lol. Anyway, Adam has been working since last night; he works like 20 hour shifts basically. I mean he's not working the whole time, but because he works on ships, he has to take them far away, and then come back. So he has down time in between trips, but he's still away from home. So anyway, we've been texting for the past 2 days, and so far so good. This may sound crazy, but I feel really...secure about this. Like, I'm not worried that he's gonna play me, or turn into a douche and ghost me or anything. For the first time in a long time, I feel confident that this is really gonna go somewhere. Granted, I could be totally wrong, but...here's hoping! He's going out of town next weekend though, to L.A., of all cursed places. So I'm hoping we'll get to hang out sometime in the next week, before he leaves. I'm gonna be super busy next weekend anyway, with Sophie, Shane, and Grant all being here, so I won't have to time to miss him.
So I've been kind of freaking out over my job situation. Sucks, because I was just starting to get my anxiety under control, and now I have something new to stress out about. Every week on Monday and Tuesday, since I started this job, I had a gig that I did that paid basically a base salary. And that was recently taken away from me and given to some part-timer, who complained that he wasn't being given the amount of hours he was promised. I was assured that it had nothing to do with me, and that I've been doing a great job, but this particular guy isn't managed by my boss, so he couldn't do anything about it. So now I really need to find another job to supplement my income and just UGH... I don't want to!! I have to get out my resume and all that, and actually LOOK for a job, which is a job unto itself. ((Sigh)) I would like to be able to find another photography job, or else do something with animals. Maybe finally get some use out of my animal science degree. But I don't wanna have to go to school, or get any certifications or anything. So no dog grooming or vet tech positions. I wish I could get paid for fostering animals. I'd be making a fortune off these puppies, if that were the case! They wear me out! But I think I'm gonna end up keeping one of them... He reminds me so much of Jasper when he was a puppy! They're both half poodle though, but this particular puppy looks the most poodley out of the litter. And he's just SO SWEET. Ugh. I'm not gonna be able to bear parting with him. Another reason why I need to find a second job. In order to afford a second dog lol.
Lord help me, I'm turning into a crazy pet lady!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Too Good To Be True?

I had my first date with Adam yesterday. He came and picked me up around 5, then we went downtown and walked along the Riverwalk, with cocktails, of course. Then we headed over to this fancy hotel restaurant where he had made us reservations. It was soooo good. We shared a bunch of small plates and had some more cocktails. Then we went and saw Deadpool at the fancy theater that serves food. We had wine and cheese. Then we went to a bar down the street from his place for a night cap. I ended up going back to his place with him again. We hung out on the balcony for a while, watching the fog roll in on the Mississippi, and then we went inside and tickle wrestled a little bit. Lol. We just really did have the best time. And he lets me ask him anything, and he says even if he doesn't wanna answer it, and even if it makes him look bad, he'll always be honest. So far, I think he has been. I asked him some pretty weird questions just to test him out. Haha. It was super late by the time we went upstairs, and things got heated again. He told me he didn't wanna sleep with me last time, because we had just met, and he "doesn't do that", but that wasn't the case this time. Things were going well, but we hit a setback when he put the condom on. Now I'm a little worried, because he made a couple comments about gay men hitting on him a lot. And as perfect as he seems, I just can't shake the feeling that maybe it's too good to be true! Maybe he's gay and in deep deep denial. Or maybe he'd just had too much to drink. Or maybe he was just nervous? I don't know. It just doesn't seem entirely normal that a guy who seems so into you would have trouble fucking you the first time ever. Right?? I dunno. Maybe it's me? 
Obviously I'm not going to give up on him yet, we still had a wonderful time, and laid in bed for most of today. Then he took me out to lunch and drove me home! 
Anyway, I really really hope he isn't secretly gay. I mean if he hadn't told me that story about some gay guy at a bar trying to kiss him, maybe it never would have occurred to me to think he might be gay. I mean he's not effeminate or anything. Then again, I was engaged to a guy who EVERYONE thought was gay when I was 20, and I never noticed it until someone else pointed it out. Although, he actually wasn't gay. He's now married with 2 children and seems really happy, but that's neither here nor there. 
Well I'm stickin' with Adam for now. I really like him, and technically, I can't find any reason to not continue dating him.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Clark Kent

I met a guy.
His name is Adam. I saw him from across the room at the bar we were at last night, and I leaned to tell Lauren, "You see Clark Kent over there? He's hot." He was dressed very sharply, but that wasn't at all out of place in the spot we were at. He had a crisply ironed blue button up, a grey jacket and black framed glasses. Not the overstated nerdy kind of glasses with the plastic frames, the kind you wear out of necessity. Slightly severe, but in a good way. His hair was dark brown, longish and wavy, with that perfect little Superman swoop and side part. I immediately wanted to run my hands through it. He didn't see me, but I kept a subtle eye on him from our table. It was one of Lauren's friend's birthday, so I didn't know any of her friends, but a couple of them were pretty cool. So we hung out at the table for a bit, just the girls, and we did a couple shots and I even danced! I never dance. Then after a while, Lauren asked me if I wanted this shot of Fireball one of the girls bought her. I said, "Ew no, but give it to me and I'll use it as an excuse to go talk to Clark Kent over there."
So I made my way over to the bar and snagged the spot right next to him. The bartender came over, and I ordered another drink and asked to close my tab. While I was waiting, I turned to him and said, "Hey, do you like Fireball? My friend just gave me this and I can't stand the stuff." And he said, "Sure, but you have to do a shot with me." So he bought me something else and we did the shot together.
The rest is sort of a blurry haze... He bought us another round, then one of his friends sent us over a bottle of champagne, and I ended up standing over there talking to him for the rest of the night. I checked in with Lauren, who was also a little worse for wear lol. Apparently she made out with some guy and doesn't even remember it. Hahaha.
Anyway, I ended up going home with Adam. I wasn't paying much attention to where we were going in the Uber, but when we got to his building, I did notice it was very nice. Then we get up to the 30th floor, and he walks us to a door labeled: Penthouse 5.
UGH. In that moment, I felt sorta like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, minus the prostitution, and except for the fact that he's a year younger than me. But anyway, his place was obviously amazing. We headed out to his balcony, which had the most amazing view. He even had like this little reclining patio bed type thing. Which of course ended up making out on it. Lol. Eventually we went back inside though, because it was so cold, and my sweater was stolen at the bar (ugh).
So we headed upstairs, and there was more kissing, and more...other stuff, but I did not sleep with him! In fact, I'm honestly not sure why we didn't. But I'm kind of glad we didn't. When he took his glasses off, I couldn't stop staring at his eyes. They're a pretty greenish hazel color. He's also quite tall and a bit on the skinny side, but that's neither here nor there. And I was right, his hair is the softest... Anyway, we passed out eventually, and then we spent the entire day today laying in bed talking. It was nice. :) I kept worrying that I was overstaying my welcome, but he was adamant that he wanted me to stay. So I did.
He works in maritime engineering, doing stuff with giant barges on the Mississippi here. Whatever it is, it obviously pays well. He has 2 older brothers, a couple nephews and nieces. He's been single for almost as long as me, because he's done a lot of traveling over the last few years for work. He is also super nerdy, in a really cute way. I was up front and honest with him about everything, like I usually am, even though most of the time it seems to backfire. We talked about that too. Then we slept a bit more, and finally I figured it was time for me to go home. So he offered to drive me! Of course he has a super nice black Audi with very dark tinted windows and all the upgrades... ((Sigh)) It was sweet of him to drive me home though. And a couple hours later, he texted me. :) So I think I'll see him again. And I'm glad.

Friday, February 26, 2016


Do you ever just feel so sexy and confident that you're like, "This night is gonna be awesome!" ??
Cuz that's me tonight. I hit 150 today. I've lost 18 pounds and I'm down to the weight I was when I finished college.
Now I'm heading out for a night on the town!!


Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Keeping Busy

Not a whole lot has been going on recently. Well, actually, I've been quite busy. Carrie was here the weekend before last, and she and Lauren and I went out like every night, then Taylor (Sophie's ex-husband, Brent's brother) and his newish girlfriend Cassie came into town this past weekend, so I hung out with them on Friday. Saturday, Lauren and I went to a fancy society party that I scored an invite to through work. We were like the youngest people there and didn't know anyone, but we got to dress up, eat free food and drink free booze though, so that was cool. And afterwards, we changed clothes in her truck like college kids and hit a couple bars. Lol. It was a good time.
Next month I have 3 people I wanna see all coming in town at the same time. So that's gonna be pretty crazy... Sophie is coming for a PhD interview, a friend I met in Chicago, who now lives in NYC, named Grant, who I don't think I've ever mentioned, but he's super cool, and my old friend Shane, who I met through Izzie that lives in Austin. I haven't seen her in forever. Both Grant and Shane are gonna be here for work though, so I'm sure I'll get to see everybody. I'm really excited abou Sophie coming. It seems like I've been seeing so much of her recently! And before I know it, she'll be living back in the states. She applies for programs at Michigan University, NYU and Tulane. NYU is her first choice, but obviously I want her to go to Tulane. It would work out perfectly, because my current roommates lease is up at the end of August, and then she's moving in with her boyfriend, so Sophie can move in with me! Living with Jenn has been great, but what's better than living with your sister?? So I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Did I mention I am fostering a miniature poodle and her six puppies? Jesus, they keep me busy. They're super cute though. Carrie adopted one of them when she was here the other week, but they won't be ready to take home for a couple more weeks.
So Lane and I are talking again. I finally texted him, and things are back to...well not normal, because what even is that with us? But things are on a purely platonic level now. We don't FaceTime anymore of course, and we only text like one or 2 messages at a time, no more conversations that last for days. Just if something comes up that makes me think of him, and vice versa. But I'm ok with that. I'm pretty much over it. It's still a little bit disappointing how everything turned out but you know what they say, out of sight out of mind.
In other news, since I moved here I've had a weekly assignment where I drive all over the city taking photos of houses for the real estate section of the paper. It's really tedious and takes forever and I have to drive really far, but it basically served as like a base pay that I could count on since, being a freelancer, sometimes pay periods can get thin.
Well that was taken away from me and given to some part time guy, who was apparently promised a certain number of hours and wasn't getting them. My boss fought hard for me about it, but apparently there was nothing he could do, because that person isn't someone he manages. ((Sigh)) He was really upset about it when he called to tell me, and he said it's nothing I did wrong, and that in fact, I've done the best job of anyone on them, and that I've been improving the last year in all my work, and he feels shitty about it because instead of being rewarded for my hard work, they're taking money away from me. Ugh. At first, I wasn't really that upset. I mean yea it sucks that I won't be getting that money anymore, but I hate doing the houses. It was boring and I was putting tons of miles on my car doing it. But now I basically have to get a second job to make up that income, and I don't really know what I'm gonna do. I love the flexibility of my job! I love that I can have like an entire day to lay around and then go to work from 7-10 pm and be done for the day sometimes! And I definitely do not want to work somewhere 9-5 or anything like that, because it would limit the number of photo assignments I could take. I spent a good hour last night trolling Craigslist, but mostly it's all restaurant type jobs and I just CANNOT go back to bartending. The week of Mardi Gras, as a favor to one of Bethany's friends, I bartended a private party. It was 2 hours of set up/clean up and like 4 hours of party, and I was EXHAUSTED by the end. My feet and back were killing me. I have no idea how I used to work 10 hour bar shifts when I was living in Chicago. I just can't do that anymore. Plus, I was easily irritated by people the whole time, and I just...can't do it anymore. Sure a private party now and then, fine. But every week? NO WAY.
I did book a wedding for this June, and mermaid season is coming up, so hopefully that will be a nice supplemental income, but it's not dependable enough. What to do, what to do...
Maybe that guy will hate doing the house pictures and not want them anymore.
On a lighter note, I lost 12 pounds, and I'm feeling sexier than ever!
G's this post has been all over the place. Well I'm gonna go get caught up on House of Cards before the new season in a couple weeks. There's a really bad storm coming in and most of the schools and govt buildings here are closed, so I doubt I'll be going anywhere. TaTa!

Thursday, February 11, 2016


Well I guess I may have spoken too soon about the Englishman. He sent me a facebook message today, and we ended up chatting for an hour or 2. It was a great conversation, but a little too redolent of the early days of Lane and I reconnecting. ((Sigh)) It's like...do I really wanna do all this again? I mean Jamie is great, and sexy, and British, and we have a lot in common...except for the fucking continent we live on. And that's way worse than here to California. Plus, there's his whole divorce thing. I suggested we chat using iMessage and he basically said he didn't want to do that in case someone else saw there was a girl texting him, because it could be used against him in divorce proceedings. ((Sigh)) So weird...
So I dunno. I'm still not totally over Lane. I'm doing much better, but all this has got me thinking about him again. It's just really frustrating because I feel like I went so many years without meeting anybody worth dating, and now I've met 2 great guys, and I can't date either of them because they don't fucking live here! What the deuce!? When am I gonna catch a break?!
Kevin called me today. He acted all cool and casual at first, and then he was like, "So what do you got goin on tonight?" And I basically told him nothing, and then he was like, "You wanna get together and make out later?"And I was like, "Uhhhhhh...." I mean literally, I was kind of speechless. How do you answer something like that when the answer in your mind is clearly, obviously, "NO"? I just answered his question with a question, and avoided giving him a straight answer until I was able to get off the phone. Most awkward conversation EVER. I told Jamie about it when we were talking and we both had a good laughed. But still...weird.
Anyway, Carrie is in town for the weekend. She's staying at Lauren's, but we're all gonna go out tomorrow night. So maybe we'll meet some cute single LOCALS! Who knows, but I'm sure it'll be fun either way.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

I Can't Even

So I never ended up seeing the Englishman again. Kinda disappointing, but it's probably for the best. I just started my period anyway. But what's weird is, he just accepted my facebook request TODAY. Today as in, the day he's flying back to the UK. So of course I've been stalking him.
And I forgot to mention before, the night we met, he confessed to me that he is married. That's what he said, "I'm married." So of course, I freaked out because I'd been making out with him 5 minutes prior to that, but then he went on to explain that he and his wife are separated and he's in the process of going through a divorce. In fact, he talked about it more later that night, and he seemed really upset with himself that he was going to be a 31 year old divorced guy. I checked up on this, of course, and confirmed with his friend that he is, in fact, separated from her. And then he told me that that was one of the main reasons he came to New Orleans, just to get away from it all. Apparently she wanted to have kids, and he realized that he does want kids, just not with her so...they split up. Rough.
But anyway, so I found his soon to be ex wife on facebook, and most of her photos are not private, and there's all these old wedding photos of them...it's weird. It's sooooo weird. I have never slept with a married man before, regardless of the technicality. I really hope he wasn't lying to me about that, and I didn't just participate in cheating. But then why would he have accepted my friend request? Ugh. All this is pointless. I just hate when guys act like they really like you, even after the sex, and they say all this bullshit to you about how you're so wonderful and beautiful, and they've never met anyone like you and blablabla...I'm a grown ass woman. I don't need to be coddled. Why can't you just fuck me and leave if that's all you want? What's the point of all the other crap? I'd rather they not be overly gratuitous and complimentary if they're not actually interested. Just save it.
God...this is why I told myself I wasn't gonna do the casual hookup thing anymore. Because I just CAN'T. #LessonLearned

Sunday, February 7, 2016

My English Gentleman

Last night I went to this crazy Mardi Gras costume party. Very exclusive. Kevin invited me a while back and despite the way he's been acting lately, he said he still wanted me to go. So we had plans to meet at this bar and he and his friends had arranged for some sort of shuttle to take us to the venue. My plan was to Uber to the bar so I wouldn't have to drive, but there were no Ubers available because of all the parades and whatnot, so I had to call a regular taxi, which was going to mean I'd miss the shuttle. So Kevin told me to just meet him at the venue, and they'd probably be in the line. So I got there and called him, and their bus hadn't even gotten there yet! So basically, I ended up standing on a street corner alone for 45 minutes waiting in the freezing cold. But he ended up texting a friend of his, Dave, who was already in the line, and he was able to get me in. So Dave was with a small group, and he introduced me to everyone, but the most interesting person was definitely Jamie, the British guy. He was dressed in all pink, including a wig, and was apparently dressed as a rugby player. Turns out, he actually plays rugby (of course). Well we just sort of hit it off immediately, and were talking and found we had lots of common interests - books, BBC Tv, political views, etc. So it ended up just being Jamie and I at the bar alone and his other friends wandered off. Eventually we went into one of the stage rooms to find everybody. I still hadn't heard from Kevin, and it was close to midnight by this time. But then when we found Dave, he said he's just seen him! He didn't even text me to let me know he was there! And then Jamie kept saying, "Oh well we should probably go find him, since you need to say hi and everything." But I was hesitant to do so because of the way Kevin has been acting lately. Ever since I told him I just wanted to be friends, he's been kind of a dick. Trying to make me jealous, and just being generally immature. So I ended up explaining the whole situation to Jamie, who apparently had been under the impression that Kevin and I were some sort of item. I set him straight quickly though, and I told him I'd rather hang out with him than with Kevin. So I did! :)
And we had the best time. I didn't drink too much, which is good. Just enough to catch a buzz. And Jamie and I, both being virgins to this particular party, had a good time people watching. There were people there that were basically naked. Sooo that was interesting. He kept telling me I wasn't like any of the other American girls he'd met, because I'm much more progressive, and I'm very sarcastic, and straight forward, like British people. I laughed and said I'd take that as a compliment. At one point, we were on the dance floor and he was just staring at me, and I said, "What? Why are you staring at me like that?" and he said, "Because I'd really like to kiss you right now."
So I kissed him! It was wonderful. It felt so...organic. I just can't remember the last time I just met someone out of nowhere and liked him like that. I mean he's hot, he's tall, he has a sexy accent, and he's smart and well-read. What's not to like?? Well...there is the part about him living in Manchester. ((Sigh)) Why can't I ever find a good guy that lives HERE?! He's only going to be here till Wednesday. So after we kissed for a while, he asked me if I was free any time this week, because he'd like to see me again. And I told him I didn't really know what my schedule was yet (which is true), but that I'm sure I can squeeze him in. Then we went back to kissing.
Inevitably, I did have to go find Kevin and say hi. It would have been rude not to. So Jamie went off to find Dave, who was holding all his cash since Jamie didn't have any pockets lol, and I went to find Kevin. He was dancing, and super fucked up. Apparently he took ecstasy. ((rolls eyes)) He introduced me to a couple of his friends, but really didn't seem too interested in talking to me. Which was totally ok by me, cuz I just wanted to get back to Jamie, but I didn't want Kevin to see us together, because I figured...I dunno, that would just be too wrong, seeing as Kevin was the one who invited me to the party in the first place. So after Kevin and I chatted for a bit, I told him I was going to grab another drink, and went to find Jamie. Then we continued with our fun night. We stayed until the place shut down, around 4am, and then finally walked outside to find a taxi. I was really uncertain at this point about inviting him back to my place. I mean I wanted to, but 1) my place is a huge mess right now with all these puppies and 2) I told myself I wasn't going to have any more casual hookups, because ultimately, that's not what I'm looking for. But of course, I gave in, and invited him back with me. I mean he had no phone and no money and his friends were gone. I couldn't, in good conscious, leave this foreigner to fend for himself! I warned him about the puppies, and the messy house, but he said he loves puppies, and didn't care. Good thing it was dark. Lol.
So things went basically the way you'd expect. Except, I took off all my makeup. I wasn't worried about what he'd think. And he said I was beautiful. He also said he respected me, and we didn't have to anything I didn't wanna do, but I wanted to. So we did.
It's funny because he's very proper, in a way. He never swears, he apologizes constantly (which is definitely a British thing) and he was bashful to even say the words, "have sex". Lol. He was just kind of like, "Well if you want to..." and he sort of made this gesture that said, "you know what I mean" and I just laughed. While we were at the party, he actually used the words "make love". BAHA! He's so cute. And he literally could not keep his hands off me. Even when we were just laying there, he was constantly rubbing my back, my arms, anywhere my skin was exposed. It was heaven... The sun was up by the time we went to sleep. And it wasn't like real sleep. It was like a nap, followed by more sex, and then more napping. Around 4, we actually got out of bed, and then I drove him back to his friends house on my way to Bethany's for a Super Bowl Party. I only stayed for the first half though, cuz I was exhausted. Jamie doesn't have a working phone here, since he lives in England, but he told me he would Facebook message me. I'm still waiting for that to happen, but hopefully I see him again before he leaves. And if I don't, that's ok. I had a great time, and that's what matters.