Monday, April 26, 2010

Verdict: GUILTY.

Apparently Law School is feeling guilty. And frankly, I'm surprised.
On Saturday night, Taryn said he was at her bar, and he asked her if they could get lunch this week, because he needed to talk to her and "get her opinion about something". And she said she was very short with him and said, "Well what is it? Just tell me now."
And he said it was about me.

And then she got busy or something (she was bartending) and when she finally got back to him, she asked him, "So where's Melissa?"
And then he supposedly said, "Dude, I don't know. I don't even TALK to her. I don't. At all. I haven't talked to her in like 3 weeks."

So, by my calculations, that puts the last time he talked to her around that night when all that shit went down.

So Taryn said he tried to call her yesterday, but she didn't call him back, and she says it's totally my call if I want her to call him back or not. At this point, I'm undecided. On the one hand, I wanna say "NO! Fuck him! I don't care if he's dating Melissa or not. That's not the point. The point is, he went behind my back, hid things from me deliberately, and talked shit about me. So I don't want or need his so-called friendship."
But the other part of me is reallllly curious why he's actually putting so much effort into resolving things...

Monday, April 19, 2010

Two Weeks.

"Hi Peyton, it's [Law School]. It's 10:30 on Tuesday...the uhhhh...19th. Um...I owed you a response, or a return phone call, and I'm not a writer, I'd rather talk. Uh...I know it's been a couple-well you probably, or you may, I dunno, probably, you may not wanna talk to me. Uuumm I can understand certain reasons why...umm but I think there's some good reasons to. Uhhh I was out of town in Ohio this last weekend, I was in Colorado for a little while, uhh and I'm about to go to China for a couple weeks so I've kinda had some busy... busy weeks but I kinda wanted to touch base with you ummm just cuz I didn't write you back. And I wanted to. Anyways, I would appreciate it if you gave me a phone call, when you have an opportunity. Uummm that's a bout it. Anyways, hope you're doin' well. Talk to you soon. Take care. Bye.
Oh! 555-5555, ...In case you deleted my number. Take care, bye."


It's been 2 weeks. Two fucking weeks since I sent him an email telling him he was a coward and an asshole and if he wanted to date my friend, he should have just told me instead of going behind my back and trying to hide it from me. After which I deleted him from my Facebook.

Two whole weeks and he thinks I'm going to answer his phone calls?!?!? That I want to talk to him??? WTF. What could I POSSIBLY have to say to him?!?! I don't want anything to do with him. OR Melissa. EVER.

The only ironic thing about this situation is...he's the one trying to call me. Not Melissa.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

On Hiatus...

...until I can't keep my thoughts in my head any longer. But right now, I'm doing ok sans blogging. So until next time, adieu.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Girl's Rule Book

Hey everyone.

Thank you all so much for your sympathetic and encouraging comments. I am going through a lot of shit right now, and I was really upset the last time I posted. I haven't actually decided whether or not I'm going to continue with this blog or not. I might just take a break, I might stop blogging all together, or I might just start a totally new anonymous blog in some obscure spot on the internet, who knows?? But I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm dealing with this, and making lots of tough life decisions, all for the best. Melissa and I will never be friends again, obviously, and I don't really care to elaborate on that right now. But this is something that I wrote today, in light of recent events, that I feel I should share. And I think you all should share it as well. Forward it to ALL your girlfriends! And add things if you like. But I really, really think all the girls in the world today need to treat each other a lot better than they do (including myself, because I know I have been guilty of a lot of these). But hopefully this will help.

P.S. Lea, I haven't denied any comments, so maybe your computer froze up or it got lost in translation or something? Which post did you comment on? Post it again and I will for sure approve it. The only reason I have ever not posted comments in the past is if they were spam, or advertisements, or people just trying to guess who Todd is.

The Girl's Rule Book

If we all followed these rules, life would be simple, right?? Unfortunately, not everyone knows these rules, but here are some guidelines to keep in mind, particularly when it comes to girlfriends.

Treat Others As You Wish To Be Treated...
This is is pretty basic, and should be applied in all relationships, but when it comes to girlfriends, don't overlook this one. Because it is the most fundamental of rules, and pretty much encompasses everything. So think of this one as The Golden Rule.

At some point, you've noticed a girlfriend eyeing that new pair of shoes you just bought, or that book you can't stop raving about. If she asks you to borrow it, share it! You're friends right? And look at it this way, she will be more than willing to loan you that cocktail dress that you love. Plus, now you both have twice the closet.
With that in mind, let's not forget the rules of borrowing. If you borrow something, use it ONCE and return it, in a timely manner, and in the same condition that she gave it to you. If you lose it, damage it, or break it, replace it! If everyone did this, more people would share!

People You Don't Like...
If you hate, or dislike someone, don't expect your girlfriends to hate or dislike them too. That puts your girl in an awkward situation. How would you feel if someone you didn't even know disliked you just because her friend did? It's not cool. Just don't do it.

Fights, Disagreements and Arguments...
If you've got beef with a girlfriend, spill it to her, in a calm and rational manner. Don't be overly confrontational, or passive aggressive. Find a medium and speak to her about the problem right away, before it festers and gets worse. Do I even need to mention talking behind girlfriends' backs? Didn't think so.

If you're intentionally keeping something from a girlfriend, the first thing you need to ask yourself, is why? If your reasons for hiding things have her best interests in mind, then don't tell anyone else either. Because there's a good chance she'll find out anyway, and may have trouble ever trusting you again. If your reasons for hiding things have your best interests in mind, then whatever you did, or whatever you're doing, is probably wrong.

Break Up Drama...
If your girlfriend just got dumped, or just ended a relationship, be there for her! Listen if she wants to talk, give advice if she asks for it, let her lean on you if she needs to. Don't blow her off, shut her out or cut her off. Do not abandon your girlfriend in her time of need!
However, if you are the one who's just been dumped, give yourself a week, tops, to fall apart. Then get your shit together and stop crying about it. Your girlfriends can only handle so much talk about your ex, and sooner or later they're going to get sick of hearing about it and lose interest, which can cause feelings of frustration for both of you. So only allow yourself one week to cry to your friends about it, and afterwards, keep the whining to yourself. Write about it in a diary or blog if you have to.

Don't be a Negative Nancy, ok? So you hate school, or your job, or your roommate, or your boss, or your life?? Don't talk about it 24/7!! It just makes people not want to be around you. Who wants to sit and talk to someone who is constantly complaining and always negative? Venting is ok, but try to limit yourself to 1 rant per person. Once again, if that isn't enough, write in a blog or diary.

Your Friend's Friends...
Don't bash your girlfriend's friends. It doesn't matter if they are slovenly cave trolls, do not talk shit about them. Let her decide for herself who she wants to be friends with. I mean, she's friends with you, isn't she? Talking shit about her friends is only going to piss her off and put her on the defensive. If she asks what you think about someone, give her your unbitchy, unbiased opinion and that's it.

Your Friend's Boyfriend...
When it comes to boyfriends, you, as well as anyone else, know that people can be blinded. If your girlfriend is dating a complete asshole, you're allowed to tell her, once. And only if he's acting like an asshole.
If you are the one dating the asshole, and your friends are all telling you your boyfriend is an asshole, then he's definitely an asshole. It's easy to get defensive in these situations, so just keep in mind that your girlfriends are just looking out for you, and they have no ulterior motives for telling you your boyfriend is an asshole.

Your Friend's EX-Boyfriend...
Do not date him. Do not kiss him. Do not sleep with him. In fact, do not date/kiss/sleep with any guy that your girlfriend previously dated/kissed/slept with/had a crush on/whatever! DO NOT GO THERE!! If you do, you are entering very dangerous territory, and you should ask yourself how much you really value this friendship, if you are willing to risk all of it for some guy. Is this guy, who you're willing to throw a friendship away over, the one who's going to be consoling you after he dumps your backstabbing ass?? NO.
If there's grey area, don't ask questions, just don't go there.
As Leslie Knope says, "Uteruses before duderuses."

Apologies and Forgiveness...
If you have committed a girl on girl crime, admit you were wrong and sincerely apologize. And if you are the victim of a girl on girl crime, accept your friend's apology. Don't hold a grudge. Once the crime has been committed, there's no taking it back. And if she sincerely apologizes, there's nothing else she can do, so there's no point in torturing her with weeks of silent treatment. You should just forgive her, and move on.

Don't give advice unless it is asked for. If you ask for advice, listen. If you're not going to take the advice, then stop asking for it.

Don't Be Self-Centered...
Listen as much as you talk, and don't always be centered around your own life and problems. Ask your friend how she's doing every once in a while.

If you owe your girlfriend money, pay her back! Don't avoid the subject either, because it's just as awkward for her to ask you for her money back. She was willing to help you out in a time of need, so at least be respectful enough to let her know when you'll be able to pay her back.
If your girlfriend is asking to borrow money, you don't have to say yes. Everyone has different feelings about money and friendships. Just tell her nicely that you're not comfortable loaning money to friends. But if you agree to loan her the money, tell her upfront when and how you want to be paid back, so that there is no confusion later on down the road.

Don't be competitive with your girlfriends. Life is not a competition, and you're surely not going to win if you lose all your friends in the process. It doesn't matter who's skinnier, who's smarter, who got the most phone numbers last night, or who makes the most money. Those things aren't going to make you happy in the long run.

Respect Her Space...
Don't be clingy. Don't expect your girlfriend to spend all her free time with you. Don't expect to be invited to everything. Everyone has different groups of friends, and sometimes those groups don't mesh. So if you weren't invited to a get together, give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt.

Respect Her Feelings...
On the flipside, don't leave your girlfriend out either. Be considerate of her feelings, and don't always forget to invite her when you go out. If you have mutual friends, she's probably going to hear about it, and her feelings will be hurt. I mean hey, the more the merrier!

Remember What You Deserve...
By now you're probably thinking you've been guilty of breaking some of these rules, but that's ok! Because we ALL have. Just keep in mind that you deserve to be treated according to these rules as well. And if you have a girlfriend who is a repeat offender, tell her! If she doesn't respond, or care, well then she's obviously not a true friend. We all love and (hopefully) respect our girlfriends, and deserve to be treated with love and respect in return.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


I can't stop crying. I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. Summer and Bethany found a cell phone in a cab tonight. And it just happens to be Law School's. What are the fucking chances???
They read me most of the text messages between him and Melissa, which go back like 3 weeks. She told him everything I said. About how I had feelings for him, I was just trying to suppress them.. That whole conversation I posted!!! She fucking sent it to him!!! Just like Jayme did. And they even joked about who's friend I was. Now they both talk like I'm some psycho, and she is supposedly my "Best friend??"" Who does that??

I'm sorry if you guys don't understand where I'm coming from.

I can't write in this blog anymore. i just can't deal with everything I'm being forced to deal with, on top of all the criticism.
I can't trust anyone.
Not even my "best friend".

So this is it.
I'm done.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Crashing Down

This time she had come prepared. She wouldn't be taken in by her feelings again, or caught off guard. Danny had told her he was going to be there. And this time, she was ready.
She walked into Ed's Ballroom with butterflies in her stomach, and her heart on her sleeve.
She didn't spot him right away, but she was there with a small group of friends anyway, so she danced, and chatted with people in the meantime.
She never really knew what to expect with Danny because so much time went in between the times they saw each other. He was stationed up north now, which was far, but at least it wasn't overseas. So he got more opportunities to come home and visit. This would be the first time she would see him since they kissed. Really kissed. The best kiss of her life, she thought. So far, at least. She smiled to herself at the thought of that kiss.
She knew he was bad news. Danny was a self-professed alcoholic. He had no problem admitting that, but every problem fixing it. And lately he seemed hell-bent on this self-destructive path, but she couldn't help the way she was so naturally drawn to him. She knew who he really was, deep down inside. And she just knew that if they could really be together, he could be that person all the time.
Then finally she saw him. He was 2-stepping with a blond girl she didn't recognize. She noticed his usual gang hanging out in their usual corner as well. She would wait until he was finished dancing to approach them. So she busied herself with her friends once more, and hoped maybe he would notice her first.

Another hour went by...

Where was he??She hadn't seen him since his dance with the blond.

Well I guess I'll just have to go find him then. She thought to herself as she started off across the room. She walked past the corner of the room where he usually sat with his friends, she walked past the bar, and the restrooms, but still no sign of Danny. She began to wonder if he had left!
Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw the blond that he had been dancing with earlier. She was sitting on some other guys lap, and they were making out.

Nice... She thought.

But then as she got closer, she heard a familiar husky laugh, followed by a twittering giggle. She whirled around, and the shock of what she saw hit her like a ton of bricks. It was as if someone had dumped a huge bucket of ice cold water on her. She wanted to turn and run, but she couldn't move. She wanted to close her eyes, and forget what she'd seen, but she couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from Danny and the girl, kissing and laughing. Her breathing became shallow, and her heart was pounding. She staggered backwards slowly, into a chair, and collapsed down into it.
She refused to fall apart. Not here, not now. What if Danny saw her?
She inhaled a deep jagged breath and stood up.
She walked out of Ed's alone. It was raining. The parking lot was muddy, and she had no umbrella. Mud sloshed up and over her boots, seeping into her socks. Rain soaked her hair and shirt. She sat down in her car, and turned the key in the ignition. Her friends wouldn't miss her. Danny obviously didn't.
She drove home in silence. Numbness creeping slowly throughout her body.

This was a feeling she would become all too familiar with throughout her life. But this was the first time she'd ever felt it. Crushed. Disappointed. Hopeless. Scared. Lonely. Confused. Hurt. Pain. Just pain.

How could he do this?? He asked me to come away with him. I thought...

But it didn't matter what she thought, because it was all laid out on the table for her to see. And Danny, had finally swallowed her up in his path of destruction. He broke her heart. And that was the end of their short lived romance.

Years later, she would look back on her time with Danny fondly, and remember how much fun they had together. How many firsts she'd had with him. Those 2 single kisses they'd shared would come to mean more to her than she ever thought they could. And the late night conversations, the time they skipped school to go to the beach, the letters they wrote when he was in the Navy, the Rodeo, the time he threw rocks at her window, late at night, just because she told him she'd always wished someone would... How innocent it all was. How he was the first guy to really make her feel like he wanted her, and no one else. Even if it had all been childish nonsense, it was wonderful. Their time together was like a firework in a black sky. Burning brilliant and bright; so captivating, and beautiful that it makes you sigh, and smile, and wonder. But just as quickly as it's colors explode in the sky, it disappears. And when it's gone, all that's left is smoke.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Come Away With Me

Nine months. That was how long it had been since she'd seen him. Since she'd surprised him with that little kiss on the cheek at Ed's Country Ballroom. She still felt the blood rush to her face every time she thought about that night. She couldn't believe she was finally going to see Danny after all this time.
They had kept in touch since she'd last seen him. Letters, and phone calls... But it just wasn't the same. And she was worried about him. About the way his trips to the bar and gotten more and more frequent. About how their conversations had gone from subtle flirtations, to deep conversations at 3 in the morning, about life and everything in it. About how he usually never remembered those conversations the next day, because he'd been too drunk the night before. About how her feelings for him, which had certainly grown, were now becoming jaded and colored with concern. She sighed as she combed out her long brown hair. Straight as sticks, she'd always thought.
It was Christmas Eve. She had been at church with her family when he called. His message said he was in town for just a couple days, and he was having people over. He wanted to see her. She wanted to see him too, but she was afraid.
As she got in the car, she began to feel her heart flutter. She could hardly keep herself from smiling on the way over to his house. When she finally pulled in the driveway, she checked her makeup in the rear view mirror once, took a deep breath, and got out of the car. She let herself in through the garage, just like everyone always did. She could hear raucous laughter and the loud clinking of beer bottles and billiards balls coming from the loft. She took the stairs 2 at a time. His back was to her when she first caught sight of him. He was taking his shot. He sunk 3 balls. Then stood, and turned...
He looked different. He had put on some muscle, he was tanned from months in the desert and his cheeks were rosy from windburn. But his eyes were the same. Captivating blue, with a devilish gleam. And his smile, slightly lopsided, and holding the promise of kisses; that was the same too. She let out the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. He was beautiful. Not in a conventional way. In the way that the person you love is always beautiful, in a way only you can see. He picked her up in an embrace, just like old times, and they laughed.

"You want a beer or somethin'?" He asked in that familiar country drawl.

She looked, with dismay, at the table full of empty beer bottles that Danny had obviously drank.

"No thanks." She said, and she took a seat on one of the stools, next to Danny's sister.

They chatted about school while they watched the guys finish their pool game. She had always been fond of Danny's younger sister, Mandy. She definitely had a much more level head on her shoulders, but they were still alike in many ways.
Most of that night would always be a blur to her, bookended by two defining moments: when she arrived, and when she left.
She stayed there, even after all Danny's friends had gone. They sat on the couch and talked for a long time. But it was starting to get late, and it was Christmas Eve. So she knew she needed to go soon.
He walked her out to the garage.
As she began to slowly walk to her car, she realized he wasn't following her when he called her name.
She turned around, and there he was lighting a cigarette. She walked brusquely up to him, yanked the cigarette out of his mouth and stomped on it.
He laughed. He used to get mad when she did this, but apparently he'd come to expect it by now. And it almost took her by surprise. Danny looked at his feet.

"Come away with me." He said.

"What??" She breathed.

He looked back up at her with that familiar grin.

"I've been all over the world, and I've never met anyone like you. I'm being transferred to South Carolina. Come with me." He sounded almost desperate.

"Danny... That's crazy. I'm still in high school."

"Yea, but you're about to graduate! You could come when you finish school." He paused. She didn't know what to say. "Look, I know it sounds crazy, but...I'm serious, I think about you all the time. When I was overseas, your letters were what got me through the day. You keep me sane. And you help me to be a better person. You're the only girl I know who calls me out the way you do, and it's like...I don't wanna disappoint you."

She could feel tears prickling in the corners of her eyes. No one had ever said anything like this to her before. Not even her current boyfriend.

"I know you have a boyfriend. But that's not gonna last." He said, as if he knew what she were thinking.

She looked up at him defiantly.

"You don't know that! Jeremy loves me."

"Oh yea? Then where is he?"

She sighed in frustration. She knew Jeremy had been blowing her off, and here Danny was pointing it out, and he was right. If Danny had never joined the Navy, if he'd never been sent overseas, things maybe could have been different, but they weren't. That was the path he had chosen. And this was the path she had chosen.

"I have to go." She said, suddenly feeling a little choked up. She turned around quickly, shoved her hands in her pockets, and hunched against the cold as she all but ran to her car.

"Wait!" Danny called. She didn't look back. "You still owe me a kiss!"

She froze in her tracks. But she couldn't bear to turn around and look at him.

"I'm sorry Danny." She called over her shoulder as she slammed the car door shut.

She drove like a bat out of hell. It was a bad habit she had when she got upset or angry. She pulled out her phone and began to dial Jeremy's number.


"Hey," She said, trying to mask the fact that she'd been crying. "What are you doing?"

"Playing GTA with Greg...what's up?"

"Um...nothing. I just was hoping I could see you. I mean, we haven't really spent any time together since you've been home for the holidays."

"Yea well I've been busy with family stuff. Hey, can I call you back? Cuz we're kind of at an intense part in this game."

"Yea fine." She said, steeling herself.

"Ok bye." He said.

She immediately yanked the wheel hard to the left and pulled a U-Turn in the middle of the street. Luckily, since it was Christmas Eve, there wasn't any traffic. She sped even faster back to Danny's house. When she pulled into his driveway, he was still standing in the garage, leaned up against the wall, with his arms crossed, almost as if he'd been expecting her.
She opened the door, set one foot outside and called over to him across the roof of her car, "Well? Aren't you going to come get that kiss I owe you?"

He didn't smile, and he didn't say anything. He just walked, as fast as he could possibly walk, without running. When he reached her he took her face in both of his hands. She looked into his eyes, and in that moment, she completely surrendered. He kissed her with a violent fervor. Her hands grabbed the back of his neck in desperation, and his tangled up in her hair. When they finally parted, she was breathless. She had never been kissed that way before. But then, she had never been kissed by Danny before.

He smiled at her finally; her favorite crooked smile, and she smiled back.

"Goodnight Danny." She said and she got back in the car. He shut the door for her, and she rolled down the window. He kissed her once more, briefly, through the window, and then she drove off into the night, feeling light as a feather, invincible, happy, elated; as if nothing could ever come between them.