Mrs. Brown

She slammed the door of her car and hurried towards the school doors, clutching the paper to her chest.

She was tired of arguing with her mother, but it seemed inevitable these days. She couldn't even remember the last time they'd had a pleasant conversation. The voice of her nagging and yelling was swirling about inside her head. She shook herself in an effort to stop thinking about it. She had some fast maneuvering to do. Graduation was in 2 days. She knew it was her fault for procrastinating. If she would have taken care of returning her books before school had let out, she wouldn't be here now.

Well what difference does it make anyway? She thought, I just have to get this paper signed and I'm free to graduate. I'll never have to set foot inside this building again!

She walked into the administrative office and looked around. There was no one in sight.

"Hello?" She called.

Just then, a willowy looking woman with reddish hair came striding in.

"Can I help you?"

"Yea..um...I just need to get this last box signed here, for turning in my books?" She said, handing the paper to the woman.

"Well it says here you haven't turned in your Spanish book. I can't sign this unless you have the book."

"I left it in my locker. It should have been there when they did locker clean outs."

"I'm sorry. You'll have to go to the old building and check with someone in charge of book returns." She said with a polite smile as she handed the paper back.

She sighed with mild frustration and headed down the long hallway towards the old building. The new building had been finished her freshman year, and still had that smell of fresh paint, tools and freshly cut wood.

It was a straight shot to the cafeteria in the old building, where the book return was. All she needed to do was get someone to sign her paper. It couldn't be that hard, right?

Her hopes were dashed when she saw who was running the book return: Mr. Reeves. They had never been exactly fond of each other. But she put on her most charming face and approached him, nonetheless.

"Mr. Reeves?"

He looked up, but said nothing.

"Um, could I just get you to sign this for me? It's the last thing I have to do before graduation."

He took the paper from her, wordlessly.

"Spanish book?" He said, and held out his hand.

"Uh...it was in my locker. With my other books. I left them there on the last day, for locker clean out."

"Well it says here that we're missing your Spanish book. No book, no signature." He handed her back the paper with curt smile.

She sighed again.

"I swear it was in my locker. I don't have the book Mr. Reeves. Could you please just sign it?Graduation is in 2 days." She pleaded with him.

"Well, I guess you should have thought about that before you misplaced your Spanish book."

She could see that she wasn't going to get anywhere with him, so reluctantly, she turned on her heel and stormed out, in a huff.

Fine. I'll just go to my old locker and look! Why the hell would I wanna keep a stupid Spanish book anyway!?

She trudged up the stairs of the empty high school, towards her old locker. When she reached the hallway where her locker had been, she saw that all the lockers stood ajar, and all of them were empty.

"Dammit!" She said aloud, to no one in particular. She headed back down the stairs,

and back to the new building, where her car was parked. In the fire lane. She silently cursed to herself as she remembered that fact. She hadn't thought she would still be here. She broke into a jog.

Guess I better move my car, since I'm probably gonna be here a while.

When she reached the front doors, she was relieved to see that her car was still there. She began to dig through her purse for her keys.

Where are my keys!?

Growing impatient, she dumped the contents of her purse onto the hood of her car. No keys.

She looked through the driver's side window of her car and cringed when she saw her keys dangling out of the ignition.

As if this day couldn't get any worse!

Now she would have to call her mom, who was already angry with her for putting everything off till the last minute. She gritted her teeth and thanked the heavens she hadn't locked her phone in the car as well. She pressed the 2 on the speed dial.

"Hello?" Her mom answered.

"Mom?"

"Yea?"

"I need you to come up to the school. I locked my keys in the car."

"WHAT!? I can't come up there right now! I'm on my way to go get your sister, you're just going to have to wait. Did you take care of that stuff yet?"

She sighed, "No, I'm still working on it. Are you sure you can't come now? My car is in the fire lane."

"Well WHY did you park in the fire lane! I don't have the spare key to your car, your dad does, and he's at work! You better hope you don't get towed! If you do, you're paying for it!"

"OK!!" She yelled, and snapped the phone shut. Clearly her mom was in no mood to help. She took a deep breath. Before she could stop them from escaping, tears began to trickle down her cheeks. She put her head down in the crook of her arm and leaned against her car. It must have been a hundred degrees outside. She decided she would sit just inside the front doors, where it would be cool, but she could still see her car, in case someone decided to tow it.

As she walked through the front door, tears still streaming down her face, an angel appeared to her, in the form of a heavyset woman with short brown hair.

"What's the matter sweetheart?" The woman said.

She looked up, surprised to see anyone. Before she could even answer, the angel pulled her in to her bosom, and she just cried even harder. Someone was hugging her. Someone she didn't even know, seemed to care.

The angel took the paper from her hand, and signed the last box at the bottom, without saying a word.

"There you go, Sweetie. Everything is going to be fine." She smiled, a tight smile that didn't show any teeth, but was still genuinely heart warming.

She wiped the tears from her face.

"Thank you." She said, "Thank you so much."

"Don't worry about it." The angel said. And just as suddenly as she had appeared, she was gone.

She later found out that the angel was called Mrs. Brown.

She would never forget Mrs. Brown. Her angel, in an office assistant's clothing.

Crashing Down

This time she had come prepared. She wouldn't be taken in by her feelings again, or caught off guard. Danny had told her he was going to be there. And this time, she was ready.
She walked into Ed's Ballroom with butterflies in her stomach, and her heart on her sleeve.
She didn't spot him right away, but she was there with a small group of friends anyway, so she danced, and chatted with people in the meantime.
She never really knew what to expect with Danny because so much time went in between the times they saw each other. He was stationed up north now, which was far, but at least it wasn't overseas. So he got more opportunities to come home and visit. This would be the first time she would see him since they kissed. Really kissed. The best kiss of her life, she thought. So far, at least. She smiled to herself at the thought of that kiss.
She knew he was bad news. Danny was a self-professed alcoholic. He had no problem admitting that, but every problem fixing it. And lately he seemed hell-bent on this self-destructive path, but she couldn't help the way she was so naturally drawn to him. She knew who he really was, deep down inside. And she just knew that if they could really be together, he could be that person all the time.
Then finally she saw him. He was 2-stepping with a blond girl she didn't recognize. She noticed his usual gang hanging out in their usual corner as well. She would wait until he was finished dancing to approach them. So she busied herself with her friends once more, and hoped maybe he would notice her first.

Another hour went by...

Where was he??She hadn't seen him since his dance with the blond.

Well I guess I'll just have to go find him then. She thought to herself as she started off across the room. She walked past the corner of the room where he usually sat with his friends, she walked past the bar, and the restrooms, but still no sign of Danny. She began to wonder if he had left!
Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw the blond that he had been dancing with earlier. She was sitting on some other guys lap, and they were making out.

Nice... She thought.

But then as she got closer, she heard a familiar husky laugh, followed by a twittering giggle. She whirled around, and the shock of what she saw hit her like a ton of bricks. It was as if someone had dumped a huge bucket of ice cold water on her. She wanted to turn and run, but she couldn't move. She wanted to close her eyes, and forget what she'd seen, but she couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from Danny and the girl, kissing and laughing. Her breathing became shallow, and her heart was pounding. She staggered backwards slowly, into a chair, and collapsed down into it.
She refused to fall apart. Not here, not now. What if Danny saw her?
She inhaled a deep jagged breath and stood up.
She walked out of Ed's alone. It was raining. The parking lot was muddy, and she had no umbrella. Mud sloshed up and over her boots, seeping into her socks. Rain soaked her hair and shirt. She sat down in her car, and turned the key in the ignition. Her friends wouldn't miss her. Danny obviously didn't.
She drove home in silence. Numbness creeping slowly throughout her body.

This was a feeling she would become all too familiar with throughout her life. But this was the first time she'd ever felt it. Crushed. Disappointed. Hopeless. Scared. Lonely. Confused. Hurt. Pain. Just pain.

How could he do this?? He asked me to come away with him. I thought...

But it didn't matter what she thought, because it was all laid out on the table for her to see. And Danny, had finally swallowed her up in his path of destruction. He broke her heart. And that was the end of their short lived romance.


Years later, she would look back on her time with Danny fondly, and remember how much fun they had together. How many firsts she'd had with him. Those 2 single kisses they'd shared would come to mean more to her than she ever thought they could. And the late night conversations, the time they skipped school to go to the beach, the letters they wrote when he was in the Navy, the Rodeo, the time he threw rocks at her window, late at night, just because she told him she'd always wished someone would... How innocent it all was. How he was the first guy to really make her feel like he wanted her, and no one else. Even if it had all been childish nonsense, it was wonderful. Their time together was like a firework in a black sky. Burning brilliant and bright; so captivating, and beautiful that it makes you sigh, and smile, and wonder. But just as quickly as it's colors explode in the sky, it disappears. And when it's gone, all that's left is smoke.

Come Away With Me

Nine months. That was how long it had been since she'd seen him. Since she'd surprised him with that little kiss on the cheek at Ed's Country Ballroom. She still felt the blood rush to her face every time she thought about that night. She couldn't believe she was finally going to see Danny after all this time.
They had kept in touch since she'd last seen him. Letters, and phone calls... But it just wasn't the same. And she was worried about him. About the way his trips to the bar and gotten more and more frequent. About how their conversations had gone from subtle flirtations, to deep conversations at 3 in the morning, about life and everything in it. About how he usually never remembered those conversations the next day, because he'd been too drunk the night before. About how her feelings for him, which had certainly grown, were now becoming jaded and colored with concern. She sighed as she combed out her long brown hair. Straight as sticks, she'd always thought.
It was Christmas Eve. She had been at church with her family when he called. His message said he was in town for just a couple days, and he was having people over. He wanted to see her. She wanted to see him too, but she was afraid.
As she got in the car, she began to feel her heart flutter. She could hardly keep herself from smiling on the way over to his house. When she finally pulled in the driveway, she checked her makeup in the rear view mirror once, took a deep breath, and got out of the car. She let herself in through the garage, just like everyone always did. She could hear raucous laughter and the loud clinking of beer bottles and billiards balls coming from the loft. She took the stairs 2 at a time. His back was to her when she first caught sight of him. He was taking his shot. He sunk 3 balls. Then stood, and turned...
He looked different. He had put on some muscle, he was tanned from months in the desert and his cheeks were rosy from windburn. But his eyes were the same. Captivating blue, with a devilish gleam. And his smile, slightly lopsided, and holding the promise of kisses; that was the same too. She let out the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. He was beautiful. Not in a conventional way. In the way that the person you love is always beautiful, in a way only you can see. He picked her up in an embrace, just like old times, and they laughed.

"You want a beer or somethin'?" He asked in that familiar country drawl.

She looked, with dismay, at the table full of empty beer bottles that Danny had obviously drank.

"No thanks." She said, and she took a seat on one of the stools, next to Danny's sister.

They chatted about school while they watched the guys finish their pool game. She had always been fond of Danny's younger sister, Mandy. She definitely had a much more level head on her shoulders, but they were still alike in many ways.
Most of that night would always be a blur to her, bookended by two defining moments: when she arrived, and when she left.
She stayed there, even after all Danny's friends had gone. They sat on the couch and talked for a long time. But it was starting to get late, and it was Christmas Eve. So she knew she needed to go soon.
He walked her out to the garage.
As she began to slowly walk to her car, she realized he wasn't following her when he called her name.
She turned around, and there he was lighting a cigarette. She walked brusquely up to him, yanked the cigarette out of his mouth and stomped on it.
He laughed. He used to get mad when she did this, but apparently he'd come to expect it by now. And it almost took her by surprise. Danny looked at his feet.

"Come away with me." He said.

"What??" She breathed.

He looked back up at her with that familiar grin.

"I've been all over the world, and I've never met anyone like you. I'm being transferred to South Carolina. Come with me." He sounded almost desperate.

"Danny... That's crazy. I'm still in high school."

"Yea, but you're about to graduate! You could come when you finish school." He paused. She didn't know what to say. "Look, I know it sounds crazy, but...I'm serious, I think about you all the time. When I was overseas, your letters were what got me through the day. You keep me sane. And you help me to be a better person. You're the only girl I know who calls me out the way you do, and it's like...I don't wanna disappoint you."

She could feel tears prickling in the corners of her eyes. No one had ever said anything like this to her before. Not even her current boyfriend.

"I know you have a boyfriend. But that's not gonna last." He said, as if he knew what she were thinking.

She looked up at him defiantly.

"You don't know that! Jeremy loves me."

"Oh yea? Then where is he?"

She sighed in frustration. She knew Jeremy had been blowing her off, and here Danny was pointing it out, and he was right. If Danny had never joined the Navy, if he'd never been sent overseas, things maybe could have been different, but they weren't. That was the path he had chosen. And this was the path she had chosen.

"I have to go." She said, suddenly feeling a little choked up. She turned around quickly, shoved her hands in her pockets, and hunched against the cold as she all but ran to her car.

"Wait!" Danny called. She didn't look back. "You still owe me a kiss!"

She froze in her tracks. But she couldn't bear to turn around and look at him.

"I'm sorry Danny." She called over her shoulder as she slammed the car door shut.

She drove like a bat out of hell. It was a bad habit she had when she got upset or angry. She pulled out her phone and began to dial Jeremy's number.

"Hello?"

"Hey," She said, trying to mask the fact that she'd been crying. "What are you doing?"

"Playing GTA with Greg...what's up?"

"Um...nothing. I just was hoping I could see you. I mean, we haven't really spent any time together since you've been home for the holidays."

"Yea well I've been busy with family stuff. Hey, can I call you back? Cuz we're kind of at an intense part in this game."

"Yea fine." She said, steeling herself.

"Ok bye." He said.

She immediately yanked the wheel hard to the left and pulled a U-Turn in the middle of the street. Luckily, since it was Christmas Eve, there wasn't any traffic. She sped even faster back to Danny's house. When she pulled into his driveway, he was still standing in the garage, leaned up against the wall, with his arms crossed, almost as if he'd been expecting her.
She opened the door, set one foot outside and called over to him across the roof of her car, "Well? Aren't you going to come get that kiss I owe you?"

He didn't smile, and he didn't say anything. He just walked, as fast as he could possibly walk, without running. When he reached her he took her face in both of his hands. She looked into his eyes, and in that moment, she completely surrendered. He kissed her with a violent fervor. Her hands grabbed the back of his neck in desperation, and his tangled up in her hair. When they finally parted, she was breathless. She had never been kissed that way before. But then, she had never been kissed by Danny before.

He smiled at her finally; her favorite crooked smile, and she smiled back.

"Goodnight Danny." She said and she got back in the car. He shut the door for her, and she rolled down the window. He kissed her once more, briefly, through the window, and then she drove off into the night, feeling light as a feather, invincible, happy, elated; as if nothing could ever come between them.

Stolen Kiss

Danny was the last person she had expected to see at Ed's. But there he was! Six months ago, she would have been more shocked to not see him at Ed's Country Ballroom, but that was before he joined the Navy. She didn't realize how much she actually missed Danny until she saw him, standing there across the dancefloor. He hadn't seen her though. Not yet.
She backed up through the crowd, and make a wide arc around the dancefloor to approach Danny from behind. Then she put her hands over his eyes.
When he turned around, the look on his face went from confusion, to recognition, to pleasant surprise. He grabbed her up in an embrace that lifted her feet off the floor.

"What are you doing here??" She asked, slightly out of breath.

"I'm AWOL." He laughed, and introduced her to his partners in crime; buddies from the Navy who had made the crazy, all night drive from Florida to Texas with him, just for the weekend.

They made small talk for a bit, then Danny said, "Let's dance", just as a slow country song began to play. The song, One More Day, by Diamond Rio, was one that would always remind her of Danny from that day forward.

"Well you're gettin' pretty good at this 2-steppin' thing!" Danny said as he guided her across the floor.

"Thanks," she smiled, "I learned from the best."

Danny beamed down at her and shook his head.

They didn't talk much during that song, they just danced. But there was something so perfect about the way he held her in his arms. Strong, but gently. He guided her with experience and ease, and they danced together as if they'd been doing it their whole lives.

When the dance finally ended, he spun her once, and dipped her low. She laughed as her long hair cascaded about her shoulders, almost touching the floor. Then he took her hand and led her off the floor, to a table situated away from the noise and clatter of the crowd.

"So how are you, really?" She asked as they sat down across from each other.

Danny sighed. "I miss home. I miss my family, and my friends... and you."

She blushed and couldn't help smiling.

"I've missed you too, believe it or not."

"Well why haven't you written me?" He asked.

"I don't have your address! I didn't even know where you were stationed before tonight!"

"Ok well I'll give it you." He said.

Just then her sister approached, flanked by her 2 friends. They had all ridden together to Ed's, and she just realized they probably had been wondering where she'd wandered off to. It was starting to get late. Almost curfew.

"We're about to go. Do you wanna meet us outside?"

She stole a glance back at Danny, "Yea, I'll be out in a minute."

Her sister and friends walked towards the door, and she and Danny stood.

"One more dance before you go?" Danny asked.

"Sure."

When the dance was over, he spun her again, and pulled her into an embrace. Surprising herself, she planted a kiss on his cheek. Still holding onto her hands, he pulled back and stared at her. She would never in all her life forget the image of his face in that moment. The twinkle in his crystal blue eyes, his look of surprise, his crooked, boyish grin. Before he could say anything, she released his hands and began to walk off the dancefloor.

"Bye Danny." She said.

He stood, glued to that spot on the dancefloor, staring after her, his image burned into her memory as she exited the building.
Her sister and 2 friends were waiting in the parking lot.

"Are you ok?" Her sister asked with concern.

"I'm fine." She said.

When they got home, she went up to her room and sobbed. Was this really what it felt like to fall in love?

Not In The Cards For Me

1) If you wanna say something rude, go right afuckinghead. But don't be a PUSSY, and put your name to your comment!!! I fucking dare you.

2) The stories I post sometimes, are not merely exercises in creative writing, they're true! :) They're memories; things that have made a major impact on my life.

Moving on...
Todd called me Tuesday night and we talked. The good news is, he and are fine, and I feel really solid about our relationship. He's not going anywhere, and that will never change. He cares about me a lot, and he said we've known each other too long for him to feel weird or awkward around me, no matter what happens. And he said he was sorry for hurting my feelings.
The bad news is, he said he doesn't see me that way. He said he thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous, but he just sees me as a friend. And apparently we had a conversation about this right before the season started, but I was drunk and I don't remember. I have GOT to stop doing that! I feel so stupid. Ugh... So he said he thought I knew what his feelings were, and it was not his intention to hurt me. The other thing is, he and Jayme didn't go on a date Sunday night. They went out with a group of people. She just failed to mention that. She made it sound like it had just been the 2 of them, am I wrong?? I mean I pasted the text messages, exactly as she wrote them. And I told Todd that too.
And after we talked about our relationship and everything, he asked me about Jayme. And I basically said, "Look. When I heard you were interested in her, I talked to a couple friends, just to get some advice, and they all said the same thing: that I was obligated to tell you how crazy she is. That I had to warn you."
So I did. I told him that he's way too good for her. That last year, she would never have given him a second glance. Sure, she probably would have liked him, had they gotten to know each other, but she wouldn't have even bothered. She just likes him now because of what he has to offer. And I told him that she gets insanely jealous with all her boyfriends, and screams, yells, and hits them, and just...completely freaks out... And I didn't think he would want to deal with that. Bottom line is, he's too good for her. Wayyyyyy too good for her.

And it's true, Jayme and I aren't really friends, by definition. We are coworkers, who get along, and who have hung out together from time to time, and I have never bore her any ill will. And if the tables had been reversed, I never would have made the decision she made. I never would have even approached her guy friend, and asked him out, knowing what she knows about Todd and I, if she were in my position. But clearly, she doesn't hold that same regard for me, and that's just the way it is.

Also, she lied and exaggerated about the situation! She led me to believe that she and Todd went out on a date Sunday night, and that he had asked her out again. But really, it was a group of people who hung out Sunday, and really she was the one who asked him out! So I think maybe she just wanted me to think that he was really interested in her, so that I would feel guilted into giving them my blessing. ((Sigh)) Whatever. It's none of my concern anymore. I warned Todd about her, he knows I care about him as his best friend, and I'm very protective of him. And he's smart. He will come to see what everyone else already knows. It will never last.

I'm still pretty depressed that he says he could never see me in a romantic light. I mean, never?? How can you say never? Things can always change, right? ((Sigh)) But I'm not going to hold out hope, because that would be foolish. And I love him so much (as a friend) that even if it hurts like hell, I will always be his friend, and I will always stand by his side, and be there for him, no matter what. And I know, at least, that he does feel the same, in that respect.

But there was more to our conversation... When I told him that my friends had said I needed to warn him about Jayme, he asked me who had said that. Because Jayme had told him that some mutual friends of ours had been telling her not to worry about me, and to just go for it. And Todd said that even though he'd promise not to name any names, he thought that if the same people were talking to me and to Jayme, I deserved to know who they were, because obviously they aren't very loyal friends.

So I named the people I talked to: Izzie, Ben, Bethany, and Melissa. And apparently Melissa is the backstabber! I just couldn't believe it. She had always been a good friend to me. Why would she tell Jayme to not worry about me, and just go out with Todd??
Then I remembered the text message she had sent me earlier that day. This is what it said,

"Peyton, I know u r really upset & mad right now, but u and Jayme have never been good friends. Todd's a nice guy, do you really think she would let this opportunity pass her up? I'm just trying to be honest."

And while that's true, why would she say that to me?? All I needed from her was a friend to lean on, someone to listen. I didn't respond to her text, but when Todd told me that she had told Jayme not to worry, "because she's not going to be reasonable about this anyway", I was just crushed. I mean, she and Jayme aren't even friends!! They've gone to work out together a couple times, but they are friendly acquaintances, at best. Melissa is supposed to be my best friend! And I'm not saying she should take sides, I just think she should have stayed out of it! It wasn't her place to call Jayme and talk to her about my problems! She had nothing to do with it! And that's exactly what Todd said, "I can't understand why she wouldn't just mind her own business".

So Tuesday night, I went to a movie with Ali (When In Rome) and after the movie, I took a deep breath, and called Melissa. I just wanted to make sure and remain calm throughout the conversation. I didn't want a screaming match. So when she answered, I said my calmest voice,

"Are you somewhere where you can talk?"

"Yea, what's up?"

"Well...I'm really mad at you, and upset and hurt. I can't believe that you would reach out to Jayme, and tell her that she should just go ahead and date Todd, because I'm never going to be reasonable about it. I just can't fucking believe that you would stick your nose in where it doesn't belong, and undermine me like that. Why would you go out of your way to say that to her, when you're one of the few people who actually knows how I truly feel about Todd!?"

"First of all, how dare you cuss at me and talk to me like that! I did not reach out to Jayme or say those things! And you have no right to talk to me like that! If this is the way you're going to talk to me, then this is where our friendship ends!"

And she hung up on me.

I tried calling her back, but of course she didn't answer. And now, I was furious, and really hurt. She didn't even offer to explain herself, she just got mad, and her first reaction was to end our friendship! WTF!!?? Now I know how Tim must feel ALL THE TIME. Not to mention, she knows better than to take offense to me cussing. I know it's a bad habit, but anyone who knows me, knows I cuss like a sailor!
And so the text message battle ensued...

Me: I can't believe you're not even going to hear me out and you're just gonna cut me off like that. CLEARLY I'm upset and I wanna clear this up. How can you sit here and make this about you??
Me: I just had the heartbreak of my life, then I find out from TODD that you were talking to Jayme about me. I thought I knew where your loyalties were, and I didn't think they were with Jayme.
Me: And it hurts my feelings even more that you could be so quick to end a friendship.

Melissa: I cannot believe you have the nerve to talk to me like that after I've always been there for you when Bethany and Summer and whoever else hasn't. U can be mad & act ridiculous I'm not worried about it. I have my own problems including my relationship with Tim, taking care of my sick granny & mom plus school. If you had talked to me things would have been different. I'm not playing these dramatic games with you, just leave me alone.

Me: Talk to you like what? Like I'm upset?? I'm not playing games. I can't believe you would hang up on me! That's immature and ridiculous. It would be much easier to TALK but if you're not worried about it then fine. You just wanna kick me when I'm down, not explain ANYTHING to me, not listen to what I have to say, just >click<. That's real nice.
Me: You were the last person I expected to hurt me like this. I don't know why you would reach out to Jayme instead of talk to me, and I can't believe that you could be so flippant and cold, and without giving it a second thought, end our friendship. Soooo fucked up.

Melissa: Undermine you, cuss at me and feel the need to talk to me like I'm beneath you. No, that's not ok & I'm not going to listen when I know nothing I say will change ur mind. I know u better than u think. I've always been loyal. I've always looked out for you. I've always been a good friend. I cannot believe u would react like this bc I talked to Jayme on the phone. Peyton, u are exaggerating & don't use words that I can't understand to make me feel stupid...

I didn't respond anymore after that. By this time, I was in my bed, sobbing, and just ready to go to sleep. But let me tell you what I think.
First, did I use any big words in that conversation that any of you couldn't understand??? Because I wasn't trying to patronize her.
Second, if she has so many of her own problems, and she's not "worried" about me, then why would she even expel the effort to call Jayme? It wasn't her concern!! And I think I have every right to be upset, because she obviously didn't want me to find out that she talked to Jayme. She obviously told Jayme not to tell me they talked, because Jayme made Todd promise he wouldn't tell me! And I'm sorry, but I will take Todd's word over anyone's, any day.

I was really upset and hurt and disappointed after that so-called conversation with Melissa. I mean how much rejection can any one person handle in a day?? But now I just feel...resolved. I mean I'm not going to kiss her ass or try to convince her to be my friend. I'm just sick and fucking tired of trying to make everyone happy. This conflict with Melissa never should have happened! Because none of this had anything to do with her!! And she's the one being dramatic, by telling me she's ending our friendship and then hanging up on me! What are we in high school again??
I know, I'm not without my problems, and drama seems to follow me wherever I go, but try to avoid being the cause of any of it. And try to stay away from people who are the cause. People like Jayme, and I hate to admit it, Melissa! She is like the most dramatic person I know!

So I've decided I'm just gonna lay low for a while. I have a couple of things already on the books for the next couple weeks but I'm pretty much not going to talk to anyone who isn't a relative, I'm not going to log into Facebook for like 2 weeks, and I'm just gonna stay home and be alone. I just don't feel like being around anyone. I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted, and beaten down. I just feel like...shit. Nothing ever seems to happen the way I want it to. I can't just be happy. It's just not in the cards for me.

First Rodeo

She'd never really been a huge country music fan, so the rodeo had never really caught her interest before. But Danny had invited her. And there was just something about Danny that she found so intriguing. She knew he liked her. But she'd always thought he was kind of...sloppy and crass. To be honest, she'd judged him by his grease streaked wife-beater, holey jeans and cowboy boots from the moment she first saw him. But over the past few months, she had begun to get to know Danny, and he was different than what she'd expected. Oh he was bad news, that's for sure, and he cursed like a sailor. But he was funny, and spontaneous, and there was something about his boyish grin, and husky laugh that captivated her. And he was genuine. He never hid what he was really thinking. Including his feelings for her. But she continued to resist him, and he respected that, even though he didn't like it. And he just wouldn't give up!

So when Danny asked her to join him and his friends at the rodeo, she hesitated at first, but in the end, she gave in. The bus ride to the stadium was full of jokes and laughter, and boys being boys... The rodeo itself was not at all what she had been expecting. There were tons of people, all of them in cowboy boots and hats, there was a carnival, and games... And it was fun! Being the only girl with 4 boys didn't bother her at all. She was used to it. Not because she'd always gotten a lot of attention from boys, but because she'd grown up a tomboy, and her recent transition to public school had made her disturbingly aware of how catty and judgemental girls really were.

So she goofed off with them, teasing the boys when they couldn't hit the bell in the strong arm contest, and spraying them, instead of the targets in the watergun game. When it was time for the concert to start, they left the carnival and went into the stadium. She had never even heard of the performer, and surely hadn't heard any of his songs. But of course all the guys were diehard fans. Their seats were at the very top, and they found themselves walking up and up and around for what seemed like ages.
The seats were so terrible the performers onstage looked like ants. Danny's friends got up to see if anyone would see them some beer.

"Let's dance!" Danny said.

"Dance?? Where?" She asked, surprised.

"Out there! We're at the very top, there's nobody up there." He pointed up and out to the concourse.

"Ok..." She said, and she let him take her hand and guide her out.

When they reached the concourse, he took her right hand in his left, and placed his other hand around her waste.

"What are you doing??" She asked, giggling.

"Two-steppin'!" He said.

"I don't know how." She said.

"I'll teach you." He said.

And he did.

1-2, 3. 1-2, 3. She was a little stiff at first, but after a while, they fell into an easy groove. And he twirled and spun her, and they laughed and laughed.

I could get used to this, She thought, and smiled.

Soon after, the guys showed up (sans beers) and they all took their seats and watched the rest of the show. Danny kept stealing sideways glances at her, and she couldnt help but smile to herself.

That night when she got home, she pulled out her diary and wrote,

Dear Diary,

Tonight was special...

Three Words

It must have been almost 4 am when I got to his apartment. It had been a long night at work. I opened the sliding door as quietly as I could. The lights were off. I knew he was probably already asleep.
I crept into his bedroom, and there he was, all sprawled out on the bed diagonally, in his underwear, with the covers spread awkwardly across him. I couldn't help but smile. He looks like a little boy when he sleeps.
I got undressed and crawled into bed next to him. He barely stirred. I leaned over and whispered his name. He didn't move. So I kissed his cheek and rolled over to go to sleep. I was still smiling.
About a half hour later, he woke up. Confused and disoriented as people do when they're woken from a deep sleep.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, concern coloring my voice.
"My head is killing me." He said.
"Do you want some Advil?? I have some in my purse."
"Do you have any water?"
"Yes. There's some right here." I gestured to the night stand as I dug through my purse for my travel pack of Advil.
After he took the pills, he laid back down, face up, staring at the ceiling.
Poor baby, I thought.
I rolled onto my side to face him and began running my fingers through his hair. He sighed and closed his eyes.
I continued to rub his head for almost 15 minutes, lightly tugging his hair, just the way he likes. Finally his breathing evened out; deep and calm.
But I kept running my ringers through his hair, gazing at him and thinking...
I thought he was asleep, but I guess he was still half awake because then he said,
"Why do you do it?"
His voice was barely a whisper, and heavy with sleep.
I smiled.
"Because I love you."
It was the first time I'd said it to him.
He rolled over and wrapped me in his embrace, so tight and warm. And I fell asleep feeling like nothing could ever go wrong again.

The First Time

When she got to his house, she had no intentions of it happening. I mean, sure, she had considered it multiple times but... How do you ever know when you're ready for something like that?
Plus, she had always thought she'd wait. You know, for marriage. Most people thought such ideas were just romantic notions of naivety. But that was how she was raised, and she wasn't just going to give it up to anybody.
But he wasn't just anybody. He was special.

The night started out just like any other. They went upstairs to his room, turned off the lights, and turned on the TV. Even after so many nights of hanging out in his room, she still felt nervous. Almost awkward. She often wondered what he was thinking during those pregnant moments of silence they often shared.
As they made themselves comfortable on his bed, she was reminded how much she hated it. It was a water bed. Loud and sloshy and wiggly. Every time she started to get cozy, she began to feel as if she were drowning. It was as if they bed were trying to swallow her. Oh well. Might as well get used to it. She crawled under his comforter; it was always cold in his room. As she was laying there, staring at the television, her thoughts drifted back to their evening. The fancy dinner, the poem she'd given him. She must have spent at least 3 days perfecting it. She had never given him anything so personal before. But he said it was good. She wished he wasn't leaving tomorrow. How could she go from seeing him almost every day, to just weekends, at best?
She guessed she loved him. I mean, if this wasn't love, what was? She knew she had never felt so strongly attached to anyone before. It was as if she needed him. And the thought of not having him made her stomach knot up. She subconsciously wrapped her arms around her stomach, as if to hold herself together. He thought she was cold, and put an arm around her.
She turned to look at him. He smiled a nervous smile and kissed her. His kiss was more intense, more...urgent than normal. She could sense it. She wanted to ask him, but he pulled away first.
"I got condoms today." He said.
"Ok." She whispered.
She swallowed hard as he reached over her for the drawer in his bedside table. Her heart began pounding almost audibly in her chest. What about waiting? What about him leaving? What would she do?
Thoughts, in the form of questions, went racing through her mind. She wasn't even aware of either of them undressing. They were still under the covers. The TV was still on, but the volume was low enough to be background noise. It was dark. She didn't even see what he looked like naked.
Breathing became something she suddenly had to think about. Just like blinking, or swallowing. She was hyper-aware of herself. What kind of underwear was she wearing? Oh no, not those ugly purple ones with the flowers... Maybe he won't see them.
Then, there was nothing else for them to do, except cross the threshold. She was hesitant. There was no turning back on this one. She would never be the same.
He had done it once before. On New Years Eve with a girl he was dating. She had been a lot more experienced than him, and he had been drunk. What kind of a first time was that? It didn't work out.

He started slowly, but she stopped him.
All her muscles were contracted. She was so tense. She took a deep breath and tried to relax.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
She nodded, quickly and nervously. Then she loosened her grip on his sides.
He tried again.
Pain!
She stopped him again. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Was it supposed to hurt this bad? I mean, she had heard that it did, the first time, but...
"Just come a little closer." She said to him.
He was very patient. She appreciated that.
"Ok, a little bit closer."
The pain was worse. She had to stop him. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now. She was afraid he would notice. He did.
"I don't wanna hurt you," He told her as he brushed the tears from her face. "We don't have to do this, if you don't want."
"No, it's ok. I do want to. Just...go slow." She whispered.
She let him enter her completely. It had to get worse before it got better, right?
It hurt so bad, it made her think of the time she first got her ears pierced. The sharp, intense pain. The breaking of skin. The hyperventilating.
But then...the pain was gone, and all she could feel was him. So close, so...beautiful. And she knew, she must love him. How could she not?
It was everything, and nothing like she had expected. She supposed she hadn't really had many expectations. Other than it would be with someone she loved. And he was so kind, so patient, so...wonderful. And now she had all of him. And he had all of her. What could be more amazing?

Once Upon A Time...

The rain was coming down in sheets when the couple left the party. They exchanged looks before running out into the night. They splashed through deep puddles, laughing and holding hands. It must have been almost 3 am. The parking lot overlooked the bay. The waters were turbulent, and sailboats rocked back and forth violently on the bay.
By the time they got to her car, they were both soaked. Her hair hung in damp tendrils around her face, sending icy streams of water running down her back and shoulders. She looked up at him through dripping eyelashes. He was smiling, that familiar smile that made his blue eyes twinkle. He pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her waist, his hands finding their place in the small of her back. She wove her fingers through his wet hair as their lips met. Their clothes clung heavily to them, like a second layer of skin. She could feel the energy pulsing between them; a current as strong as the lightning flashing overhead.
However, nothing existed beyond the 2 lovers, wrapped in eachother's arms, enjoying true love's kiss. The thunder boomed loudly, and the wind howled. The rain was coming down so heavily it was as if they were standing in the center of a very wet cloud.
The kiss felt like a second, and an eternity. Time almost seemed to stand still. How long had they been standing there? He had been holding something, but he absently let it fall to the ground now. As wet as they both were, what did it matter anyway? She pulled him even closer, kissing him more firmly, and passionately. His hands moved up to her neck, and then cradled her face gently and he softened his kiss. No words were needed. She pulled away slightly and looked up into the face of the man she loved. He looked back at her with a tenderness, yet a rapture. It was a look no one else had ever given her. A look that said anything and everything words could never say.
She took a deep breath, and smiled. This would be a kiss that she would never forget.