UGH!!

Once again, sorry for the Twitter spam, guys. I didn't think it would continue to send out those invites, but I have figured out how to stop them. Unfortunately, Twitter is down today so I haven't been able to fix it yet. I will keep checking and take care of it as soon as I can.

Aside from that, I am literally having the worst day ever! I'm in NOLA because my Aunt and Uncle hired me to take my cousins high school graduation photos. My uncle is a pilot so he even got me buddy passes to come here for free. So today, Macie and I were out walking around (and I was carrying my camera equipment, plus all her stuff) in the city all day. It was fun, but exhausting, and Macie can be kind of a pain in the ass.
First she got makeup all over her white dress right when we were about to leave. Then she forgot her shoes, and we had already left the house, and I had to turn around and drive back. Then, after driving around forever and finally finding a parking spot in the Quarter, she realized she had forgotten her jeans! I told her forget it, we weren't going back and we were wasting time, but she whined about the jeans all day.
The shoot was fun, overall, and we even managed to get onto a hotel room balcony in the French Quarter for free! Then we got home, and she insisted I take more pictures of her in the jeans, and I obliged, since she's family, even though no photographer would normally do an all day photoshoot like that just for senior pictures. But still, I was soooo excited to see all the awesome photos I took, and immediately went upstairs and plugged my SD card into my laptop. Low and behold, there was NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL ON THE CARD.
I put the card back in the camera. "Card Not Formatted" flashed at me. The photos were just gone. ALL OF THEM! And I still have no idea how!! I didn't erase or reformat anything! I just did what I always do, everything time I go to upload my photos and they just weren't there! My whole trip for nothing, my entire day of hard work! Not to mention, and I haven't told you guys this yet, but on Saturday I went straight to the airport after work for a 9am flight that I wasn't able to get on. I didn't actually get on a flight till 8pm that night and it didn't even take me to NOLA! I had to go to Houston first and then drive to NOLA with my uncle in a rental car!! It was fucking terrible!! I spent the whole day in the airport and went 2 straight days with no sleep. For nothing!!!!
Ugh. So I spent this entire evening looking into recovery software, and it seemed to be working at first; or at least, it seemed to be doing something, but after 4 hours I still had no results and I started panicking again. Luckily, my Mom's new boyfriend just happens to be a photographer. Actually, he's Pulitzer winning photographer, and a very, very nice man, because he offered to take a look at my SD card and it is now 1 in the morning. My very, very nice mother, is driving over to his place right now so he can look at it. He must really like my mom now that I think about it. I'm so so grateful that he is doing this, because that means there is still hope! But I don't know how I can possibly sleep. I haven't mentioned any of this to my Aunt and Uncle, or to Macie. I'm hoping I won't have to. I mean I'm dreading having to do that! I really hope that's not the case. Uuuuuuggghhhh!! I mean I flew all the way here, and I don't know when I would be able to make it back... Plus Macie skipped school today for this. Ok...enough about the photos. I'm just having a hard time thinking about anything else.

My one night in Houston was actually fun, aside from the fact that Taryn drove to the wrong airport to pick me up. Yep. After all that shit, and I finally get out of the airport, and we had plans to go out and get wasted, I forget to tell her which airport. Stupid, stupid me. Oh well, we still went out. And John was in town, and was on his way to meet us, but he got pulled over for not completely stopping at a stop sign, and then asked to do a field sobriety test! So he didn't make it. And he wasn't answering his phone at all, so at the time I just assumed he was blowing me off. And of course Taryn was telling me I shouldn't put up with that, and if he was really into me and knew I was in town, he would make every effort to see me. And I agreed with her. Until the next morning when he texted me about almost going to jail, and then I felt bad. So I asked him if I was going to get to see him or what? He responded that he was already on his way back to Louisiana because he was having stuff delivered to his apartment and he needed to be there. Then I said, "Oh, I didn't mean today" (my uncle was already on his way to get me from Taryn's place) and he just never responded again. I mean, when I told him I was going to be in Louisiana, which just happens to be where he lives, I thought surely we would get an opportunity to see each other. Clearly, I was wrong. He knew I was here all week and didn't even text me once. ((Sigh)) I really thought he was different. And maybe he is, but clearly his priorities don't include me. He's a workhorse, and I get it, but it wasn't work this time. He just...blew me off. There's no other explanation. And that's really hard for me to accept. But I guess I don't really have a choice.
Speaking of getting blown off, you know who else blew me off this week??
Todd.
And how is it that I manage to still be surprised by these things??
Guys are dicks.
FML.



***UPDATE***
I was able to recover all the photos!! YAYYYYY!!!!! :)

Obliviate

Sometimes I wish it was possible to completely erase someone from your memories. As if they were never there. You could forget all the memories you ever had of them, and you'd never have to think about them again. Just...Obliviate, like in Harry Potter.
But then I wonder, if it were possible, would I do it? Could I do it? Is it better to have memories, even good memories, if all they do is make you sad? Or is it better to just not have them at all?

Anonymous Love Letter

For one of my classes this week, we were given an assignment to write an anonymous love or lust letter. All the letters are going to be read out loud, and there will be no commenting or conversation, you know, in order to protect everyone's identities. I thought about this letter for a long time. It's weird, because for some reason I just thought I would end up writing something to Brandon. Because he was my last boyfriend, and things ended really shitty for us, at least on my end. So I thought maybe I could just...let loose on him, ya know? But then when I actually set pen to paper...this is what came out.




You were the scrawny little kid with the big glasses. I was too. You had buckteeth, and a squeaky voice. I had skinned knees and loved to scream. You loved soccer. I loved horses. You came to camp that summer. I still have the pictures of you in a bra. You were a good student, always making straight A’s. I was in art classes and marching band. You were a good head shorter than me. I stuck up for you when the bigger kids teased you. You always saw the silver linings. I saw you as too vulnerable. You liked to wear my letterman jacket because you thought it was cool. I remember walking through the halls with you and laughing. You finally started to grow. I saw people finally start to notice you. You were the soccer star turned varsity football player. I was still in art and band. You never stopped looking at me with that nerdy, disarming smile. I could finally see you at eye level. You laughed at my ridiculous humor. I probably didn’t need the encouragement. You got that Eve 6 CD stuck in your car stereo that one time. I made you a new copy. You became friends with all my friends. I spent every weekend in your pool that summer. You had your first girl troubles. I gave you whatever advice I could. You said you’d never understand girls. I said let’s get married if we’re still single when I’m 30. You laughed and agreed. I thought about how funny that would be. You sat with me in church every Sunday. I never came without a pen and paper. You finally got your own letterman jacket. I got my first boyfriend. You grew another foot that year. I went away to school. You lost the most important game of the season, and everyone turned their back on you. I wasn’t there. You came to my 21st birthday party. I still have the pictures from that too. You never missed my birthdays. I wonder if you know how much that means to me. You got a football scholarship to a school away from home. I congratulated you on the phone. You started seeing her shortly afterwards. I broke a man’s heart. You introduced me to your new girlfriend. I introduced you to my new boyfriend. You pretended to like him. I met my destruction in him eventually. You were there for me. I graduated from college. You came to my party. I stayed at your house that night. You were in your room with her. I was in the next room, with someone else. You got your own apartment. I finally went to one of your college football games. You had gotten so tall. I couldn’t help but really notice you for what felt like the first time. You were briefly unattached. I got to thinking. You got back together with her. I swept my feelings under the rug. You came home sometimes on weekends. I would always see you. You would always talk about her. I wondered if it would last. You told me I was your best friend. I started seeing someone. You told me you were having second thoughts about her. I got dumped at my own birthday party. You saw me cry for the first time. I needed a shoulder to lean on, and you were there. You got your dreams on a silver platter. I was so happy for you. You deserved it more than anyone. I told myself this wouldn’t change anything. You took me along for a ride on your coattails. I had the most amazing time, even though she was there. You broke up with her though. I asked you why. You said it was the distance. I saw my opportunity. You sat with me in church again. I sat between your mom and you. You ate lunch with us afterwards. I couldn’t help but notice our mothers’ stares. You were so different, and yet the same. I thought things might finally be heading in the right direction. You were still my best friend. I found out later about your date. You knew she was a friend of mine. I was devastated. You kept calling me. I wouldn’t answer. You didn’t understand. I finally told you how I feel. You said you didn’t feel the same. I buried my head in the sand. You got back together with her, in the end. I avoided you out of humiliation, and hurt. You moved away. I finally reached out to you. You said it was ok. I just wanted your friendship back. You said I’d never lost it. I alone knew what I had really lost. You got busy with your fame and fortune, your beautiful life. I struggled to find my place in the world. You moved in with her. I moved across the country. You came to visit me once. I gave you both my room. You seemed happy. I want you to be. You have drifted away from me now. I still think of you. You are everything I ever wanted. I am just your friend. You proposed to her late last year. I wept for every missed opportunity. You don’t know that I still love you. I turn 30 next year. You are marrying someone else.

Another Missed Opportunity

((Sigh)) Well I spend the last couple days in a depressed funk. Sunday I didn't eat at all, and spent the evening polishing off a bottle of wine and crying, alone, in my apartment, like the pathetic spinster I apparently am. It just totally caught me off guard. I mean I just talked to Todd last week about getting together over Christmas break. And now I have to hang out with him and his fiancé and it's just going to be an awkward, depressing, bitter experience for me. I mean I know we have drifted apart and our friendship has undergone a lot of strain over the past couple years, but... I just didn't expect him to get engaged. Especially not so soon. And especially not to her. I dunno why, I mean, they've been living together for a while now, and they've been together for long enough that I should have seen it coming. I guess I just thought...7 years...if he hasn't figured out whether or not he wants to marry her yet, then it's probably not meant to be. And I always thought there would be another chance for him and me... I mean I've always had this Taylor Swift "You Belong With Me" feeling about Todd. Literally, that song pretty much describes our friendship perfectly, at least it did at one point. I dunno, now I just feel foolish, and disappointed, and so....empty. Another day, another opportunity missed.

Just saw on facebook that Todd proposed to Laura tonight. My heart just broke a little a lot.

No Place Like Home For The Holidays

Gosh I feel like I'm always getting so behind on this blog and then I'm back here apologizing for not writing!! :(
SORRY!!
I've been ridiculously busy for the past month. Finishing up tons of projects at school, working a lot to save money for my trips, piano recitals, oh, and I had the flu and missed an entire week of school which put me way behind in like EVERYTHING!! Needless to say, it's been crazy!

I leave tomorrow for Houston and a much needed break from everything! I'm just really going to miss my puppy! :( But I'm excited to see all my friends; they always give me the warmest welcome reception. I've already got my entire weekend planned out! Haha.
It's going to be a bittersweet Christmas though... I'm spending it with Dad and Sophie is spending it with Mom. So we're all divided now and it sucks. I'm starting to realize the holidays will just never be like they used to be.
Also, apparently my Dad has already been through a string of short "relationships". Ugh... He seems quite desperate to find someone. So much so that he's not being picky at all and that really concerns me. He flew to Florida with some woman to meet her family for Thanksgiving and he'd only known her for 2 months! And she has an 11 year old daughter who she introduced him to like after 2 weeks! That's just plain irresponsible, in my opinion. I mean, for all she knows my dad could be like a molester or something! I mean, obviously he's not, but it never fails to surprise me the things people neglect to think about when it comes to their children. But whatever. She dumped him apparently, and now he's already got some other broad lined up. My mom seems to think it's funny. Funny!! But I guess that's better than her being upset about it. ((Rolls eyes))

I'm definitely going to be seeing Gavin during this trip. And we are definitely going to do it. Lol. At least that's the plan, but we'll see...
Speaking of guys, I kind of met someone here in Chicago. And when I say I met someone, I pretty much literally meet MET because I've only hung out with the dude once. He's very nice, cute, Brazilian, speaks fluent Portuguese, smart, musical, yada yada. But he's only 25, and he's a bit short. I know, I'm being ridiculously picky, but the age thing always seems to get me in the end. I could overlook his height, but I'm not sure about the age. But anyway, he just flew to Brazil yesterday and he won't be back till mid January so I have plenty of time to just...let the pieces fall where they lie. I mean he's definitely interested in me, I can tell, but I've noticed that he and some girl in Rio keep facebooking each other, and he told me he was going to Rio for NYE so...I dunno. I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket, that's for sure.
Whatever. I'm excited to see my friends, and Jenna! I finally get to meet her baby girl! I'm so excited. Oh! And I'm going to one of Todd's football games with my Dad and Sophie over the weekend too! So that will be fun. I haven't been to a game since his rookie season! And when Todd was here last he was asking me if I was going to come to any this season, so I cashed in, in a manner of speaking...
One more thing! Did I tell you guys that my cousin Lexi and I are going to Harry Potter World this January?? I'm almost more excited about that than Christmas!! LOL! She's as big of a HP fan as me and she's never been so it's gonna be totally awesome! I can't wait.
Well, I will try to post again soon, but what with my traveling and Christmas and everything, I can't make any promises. Sorry!

Happy Holidays Everybody!! Thanks for sticking with me! :)

The End of An Era

OMG! I have so much to write about today, but it's all completely unrelated. Lol. So I'm gonna try to keep this as organized as possible.

1) Does anyone else read Cosmo's Bedroom Blog? Because Jessica Hulett just ended it!! I'm so sad! I LOVE Bedroom Blog and it was one of the biggest contributing inspirations for my blog! The first time I read it, it just got me thinking like...Omg. I could totally write about this stuff and it would all be true! But now that K's blog is over, it's also got me thinking how much I appreciate you all as my readers! I mean I probably wouldn't bother to write if no one was reading. It's just nice to know there's someone out there listening, ya know? So anyway, I'm sad that she's ended the blog, but now I feel like I need to step it up over here so you guys still have something to read!

2) If any of you are ever confused about someone I refer to in the blog, use my search engine! (In the voice of Rob Lowe) I literally spent hours, a few months back, going through all my posts and adding labels and tags for everyone and everything so that you guys (and me, hehe) would be able to find stuff more easily. And since I am a real person, it's hard for me to keep track of EVERYONE I know and everyone I blog about. I know it can get confusing. I mean think about how many people you interact with within just one year, and imagine trying to tell someone about every single one of those people, and then expecting them to remember them all. Cuz that's basically what you guys have to do. Hahaha. So yea, use the search engine in the left margin, underneath the list of posts, etc.

3) Tomorrow I'm taking up piano again! I found a really badass (albeit, expensive!) teacher in the area. I'm excited but also nervous, because things didn't go so well with my last piano teacher. I mean I liked him, I just didn't really get what I wanted to out of the lessons and it ended up just turning into another source of stress. I actually had a nightmare about it last night! Ugh... But today I practiced and it reminded me why I'm doing this: because I love it! And from what I've read/emailed with this new teacher about his methods, I think it will be a pleasant and rewarding experience. So I'm excited! I'm just going to do it every other week too, so I won't be trying to cram too much into my already hectic schedule.

4) My cousin Lexi and I are planning a trip to Harry Potter World in January! I'm so excited!! She's like the only person I know who's as big of a HP nerd as I am, and she's never been to the park, so I suggested we go together! Lol. And January is the perfect time to go because flight prices are so low after the holidays, and the weather will be nice and balmy in Orlando around that time. :) Lexi is in her first semester of college, so she had to get the go ahead from her parents, money-wise. But her birthday falls just around Christmas, so she's getting the trip as a Birthday/Christmas present. Unfortunately I'm not going to be so lucky, but I got time to save.

5) Speaking of the holidays, did I mention that Sophie and I are taking our Dad to one of Todd's games?? He scored us tickets for Christmas break! I'm so excited!!!

6) I have a new admirer. His name is Ted. Lol. Ted and I have a few random connections. One being that he's Brent's brother Taylor's roommate, and two being he's a friend of one of my coworkers (Abbie). I met him at the bar when he came in to visit Abbie one day, and he's been persistently pursuing me ever since. And even though I'm not really attracted to him, I like him. Not like like, I just...like him. He's cool, and funny. And did I mention persistent? Anyway, I feel like I should probably introduce him to you guys now, in case something comes up in the near future, which I think it will...

Well I think that's all I have for now, but I'll definitely be back later this week! Ciao Bellas!

The Guests

Well Todd and Laura just left. Their visit was a lot shorter than I thought it was going to be, but we had so much fun in the short time they were here! They got in Sunday night, and I took them to one of my favorite cafes for dinner. I wanted to take them to an improv show that night too, cuz a lot of my class members were going, but Todd was too tired after several days of being out in the sun and working hard. So we came home instead and I set up Todd and Laura in my room. I wasn't nearly ready for bed, so I stayed up, watched True Blood and surfed the net on the couch upstairs, where I would be sleeping. It was while I was watching True Blood that the telltale sounds of fornication reached my ears. Ughhh... Really?!?! They did it in my bed! First I was really shocked, then really grossed out, and then really annoyed. I mean, isn't there like an unspoken rule that you just don't have sex in your friend's bed?? I mean a guest room, maybe. But that is my room, and my bed that I sleep in every night! Either they're both uncontrollably horny, or Laura really gets off on having sex with Todd while I'm in the vicinity. Maybe she's marking her territory? Ugh. All I know is, now I have to change the sheets again. ((Sigh)) Awkward...

Well the next morning, I woke up early from a restless, uncomfortable sleep on the couch. Being that I was upstairs and in a high traffic area, I couldn't help but be woken up by the comings and goings of my roommates. So I decided to just get up and get a head start on breakfast. I made scrambled eggs and blueberry pancakes, and the company enjoyed them, especially Todd. It's always a good feeling to feed someone. Hehe. Todd was pretty much glued to the TV since they were making all those announcements about the end of the lockout (YAY!) After breakfast, we talked about what they wanted to do that day, since it was pretty much their only day in the city. Laura confessed it was her first time in Chicago, so I decided right then that we had to head downtown and do some touristy stuff. So I took them to the John Hancock Observatory room and we took pictures. They loved it. Then we did a little shopping at the water tower, ate some Wow Bao, and headed back to my place, rather tired and full.

After a couple hours of relaxation, I made us all a round of shots (we had plenty to celebrate after all) and we headed out for pizza to meet one of Todd's friends from college, and one of Laura's childhood friends. Todd's friend, Brad, is a department manager at some kind of staffing company out in the burbs, and he actually offered me a job! I mean we were just bullshitting and talking and stuff, and he started asking me all these questions. Then Todd started laughing and said, "He's totally interviewing you for a job right now." So now, I have an interview with him tomorrow! Haha. So that's pretty sweet, but I don't know if I'm even interested or capable of taking the job, since I'm in school and everything. But it's always good to put feelers out. So I'm meeting Brad at his office at 3 o'clock tomorrow!

Towards the end of our meal, Bruce met up with us, and then we headed to the improv show. Brad, and Laura's friend had to head home, so it was just the 4 of us. The show wasn't the best I've seen, but it was definitely still funny, and we had a good time. Will and Lane were actually at the downstairs show, texting me, and asking why I missed class. Apparently Bruce and I both played hooky. But we're gonna make up the class together on Wednesday, with Max. So I invited the guys to all come out with us after the show, but they all ended up not coming. Lane actually said he "could be convinced to meet at Ravens later", but of course he bailed. And we ended up calling it a night around 1:30 anyway. Todd and Laura just don't really party the way me and my friends do, apparently. So by 2am, I was tucked into my very small couch bed, and woken up several times, once again, throughout the morning today. ((Sigh))

So Todd and Laura are on their way to the airport now, and I'm still on the couch, typing this post. I'm waiting for a package today anyway, so I might as well stay upstairs. Plus, I don't feel like changing my sheets at the moment, as awesome as a real bed sounds...

But I'm really glad that Todd and Laura came. It was really nice to see Todd again after so long. Things are completely back the way they were between us now. Only took us over a year, but hey. He even asked me if I was gonna make it to some games this season, now that the lock out is over. And of course I am! I'm looking forward to it already. :)

Last Minute Visitors

Dude...the last few days have been a disaster. We got some really bad storms on Friday night while I was at work and the downstairs at my bar flooded! Like...there was a foot of water down there. Then our phone lines went down so we couldn't close credit card tabs, or adjust tips. So needless to say, we were all there till 5:30 in the morning. The good thing about that is, I think I've finally been accepted as "one of the gang", and I'm no longer just the new girl at work. The four bartenders that were working that night were Warren, who practically runs the place, he's been there so long; Abbie, who kind of looks like a supermodel, but not in the bombshell kind of way; Ronnie, a girl who always bartends downstairs and has awesome blue eyes; and Felix, who looks like he belongs in the band Weezer, and is really nerdy and sweet. Warren was definitely the least accepting of the group, so it's like once you've won him over, you've won everyone over. And I definitely won him over with cookies that I brought for everybody to snack on. Lol. But back to the story...
Several shots of tequila later, when it finally stopped pouring, and the phone lines started working again, we were able to finish doing our checkouts and head home. As soon as I walked in the door though, I smelled something...peaky. I went out in search of the smell and tracked it down to the "maintenance" closet where the water heater is hidden. There was a mysterious black sludge seeping out from under the door. Low and behold, the mysterious black sludge was SHIT. MUDDY SHIT. It was so disgusting, and the smell was intoxicatingly rank.
"I soooo can't deal with this right now." I said to myself.
I immediately texted Dane, who then called and asked me what was going on. I explained the situation as best I could. Apparently the whole city was having flooding issues. So I went to bed around 7am with the promise that the plumber would be coming when Dane got home from work in a few hours. When I woke up to get ready for work the next afternoon, Dane was in the hallway in his fireman's boots, with rubber gloves on and some kind of drain cleaner trying to fix the drain. I've never seen him mad before but boy did he look pissed! And I don't blame him!
I was all too glad to get out of there. My night last night was relatively interesting as well. I agreed to barback cuz Caleb asked me to, as a favor to him. And he said it would be a "good introduction to bar training". As if I need bar training... ((sigh)). But it wasn't that bad. I only had to work from 6 to midnight, and it wasn't even that busy. So at least I got a bit familiar with the bar. Warren and Abbie were working again too, so I got to hang out with them. But while I was at work, I got a text from Laura (Todd's on-again-off-again girlfriend, currently on). "Hey it's still cool if we stay with you tomorrow night, right?"
I had completely forgotten they were coming, and that I had offered to let them stay with me. In my defense however, Todd said he wasn't sure where they were going to stay, and that he would let me know, but he never did, obviously! So they couldn't have picked a worse time to come stay, considered the literal shitstorm that just hit our condo! Ugh...
I told her it was cool for the them to stay, but warned them about the flooding and that it might smell a little funny in the hallway...
When I got home, I immediately started cleaning everything. I swept and washed the floor upstairs, swept my room, and cleaned up the hallway as best I could. There was a box of my stuff in that closet when it flooded. Mostly photos, in plastic storage containers, but there was some pictures that weren't in plastic, and got wet ((shudder)). So I had to sort through the whole box, and throw a bunch of stuff away. Luckily I didn't lose anything of value, but it was still really disgusting. Then I had to sweep and tidy up my room. And now it's 2:22 on Sunday and I'm frantically doing laundry so that they have fresh sheets to sleep on since yes, they're sleeping in my bed. ((Sigh))
I only had like 6 hours of sleep. And Todd isn't even sure exactly when they're getting here! He's in Wisconsin (I think) teaching a football camp (he does it every summer) so they're not very far from Chicago. He said he thinks they'll be here around 6:30 but it depends on what time the camp ends today. And of course, it's Sunday, so everyone in the complex is doing laundry too. UGh. I usually like to do mine in the middle of the night during the week when there's nobody in the laundry room. So here's hoping I finish the laundry in time!
Other than that, I'm actually really excited they're coming! I'm going to take them to see the improv show on Tuesday night, and bring them to my bar for dinner, maybe go to the lake on Wednesday... We're gonna have a blast!

So, I'm all caught up on posting now! I can't promise to keep posting every day, but I will definitely try. Next post, remind me to write about the nightmare I had involving Lane, and Facebook...

Fall Into Place

Thursday afternoon, Todd finally called. And we had a great conversation. He said he was sorry for not calling last week, but he was busy, and he wanted to make sure we would have enough time to talk. He said that what I wrote to Laura made a world of difference to her, and in so doing, to him as well. He reiterated that it was really great the way I just laid everything out, clean and simple, because I guess she told him she wanted to call or write me, but just didn't know what to say. And Laura's not one to confront people. She errs on the side of just leaving things alone till they go away. Which obviously, rarely happens. But Todd said, since I put everything on the table for her, she completely understands the situation now, and is totally cool with Todd and I hanging out in the future. He also told me that she was never really comfortable with me and him hanging out one-on-one before, but he would hang out with me anyways, and then feel kinda guilty about it later, since he knew she didn't like it. But Todd said he talked to Laura about me, post email, and now she's totally fine with everything. He also apologized for the way he handled things too, and he said he had no idea about everything that was going on with my parents, and he's sorry, and he understands what I must have been going through. We both agreed that we care a lot about each other, he actually even used the word 'love', and that we don't want something like this to ruin our friendship. He said I've always been one of his best friends in the world, and he wants it to stay that way, so we're finally going to leave the past in the past, and just move on.

Then he asked me about my move, and school, and what's going on with me, etc. We obviously had a lot of catching up to do. He even told me that he may be playing a game at the Bears stadium in January, so perhaps I'll get to see him in Chicago! Of course, we're going to try to hang out at least once before I move, but since he doesn't get his schedule till the week of, it's hard for him to make plans, so he's not sure when or if he'll be coming to Houston anytime soon.

But I just feel so...relieved that this is finally laid to rest. And I have my friend back. It's been gnawing away at me for so long, that it's like a huge weight off my shoulders.

:)

Things are actually starting to just...fall into place.

Now if only all my belongings would just fall into boxes....

Reconnecting

Bethany's Mom's memorial service was on Saturday. Ali and I rode together, and met up with Cameryn and a couple other girls. The service was beautiful, and of course very sad. The worst part was seeing Bethany walking down the church aisle, arm and arm with her father, both of them crying. All of us cried. How could we not? :(

I've been calling to check on Beth every day, just to see how she's doing. Actually, it's been nice to reconnect with her, even under the shitty circumstances, but I feel like it's bringing us closer together again. Bethany's boyfriend, Tony, canceled his flight back to New Orleans, so he's still here with her, and she seems like she's doing a lot better. The 3 of us met for happy hour yesterday at a sushi place. They were both trying to convince me to go to NOLA with them for New Year's Eve, but since my lease ends that day, and my dad is anxious to pack up the U-Haul and hit the road, I don't think traveling is going to be an option for me. Which really sucks, since all my friends are going out of town for NYE. Bethany and Tony are going to NOLA, Taryn, Dahmer, Carrie, Rory and George are all going to Austin, Ali is working... ((sigh)) So as of right now, it looks like I'm going to be spending NYE alone in an empty apartment. So much for my awesome dress and sparkly red shoes I bought for the occasion. I spent a whole day wallowing, crying intermittently and generally feeling sorry for myself when I realized this, but I'm pretty much over it now I guess. At least this week I am.

Maybe I'll wear my NYE outfit to our Second Annual White Elephant Sex Toy Christmas Cocktail Party instead. We're having it tomorrow, at Ben's house, just like last year. I invited Law School again, not as a date, but just in case he wants to come. But I dunno if he will. It should be fun though. Although I will be dateless.

Things with Gavin and I have been kind of weird lately too. He keeps blowing me off and I'm getting really sick of it. I guess at this point, it shouldn't really matter anyway, since I'm moving in like 2 weeks. So I've decided I'm just gonna stop talking to him all together. Sex once a month isn't worth the frustrations he's been putting me through recently. And it's not even like I'm mad at him, or feeling rejected, it's just the annoyance of being blown off by a friend, repeatedly. Ya know? It gets old after a while.

Anyway, I'm sure you guys are wondering what happened with Todd and I, so I hate to disappoint you, but the answer is nothing. He never called. ((Sigh)) I've thought about calling him, I just...haven't gotten around to it I guess. And I know he's so busy, I don't wanna call and then catch him at a bad time, and then he never calls me back. But I did hear from Laura. She wrote me back yesterday. I'll paste.

Peyton-

First of all I am so incredibly sorry it took me this long to respond. I promise I didn't do it intentionally!Thank you so much for writing to me, I've been meaning to write to you as well just never knew exactly what to say. Anyways I appreciate your apology and I understand (as much as one could) everything that you were going through. I would totally enjoy being friends with you again. So congrats on chicago and your scholarship and I hope to see you soon :)

And again so sorry this is so late!

Btw Todd is bartending at a bar in new orleans right now and let's just say he could really use your help! Lol He looks terrified!

Laura

I was so relieved to find out she doesn't hate me, or hold a grudge against me. I immediately wrote her back.

Laura,

So good to hear from you, Laura! I'm glad you don't hate me, haha. Don't really know what to think about Todd bartending other than...why?? Lol. But thanks for the congratulations, I am really excited! MIGHT be going to nola for NYE with Bethany, so maybe I will see you! And def shoot me a text if you're gonna be out in HTown any time soon!

Peyton

So now that I know how she feels, I'm not as nervous to talk to Todd. Maybe I'll give him a call tonight...

Tying Up Loose Ends

I know I said I was going to leave Todd and Laura alone, but I just haven't been able to get Todd out of my head. I don't like the way we left things, and I've been thinking about it a lot. Especially since I'm moving. I just don't want to leave any unresolved issues behind. So I got to thinking... Obviously, my loyalty is to Todd, since he is my friend, but since he loves Laura, it's definitely a not a bad idea to get in her good graces. And I do like her, and I think she's a good person, etc. I'm just not so sure how she feels about me at this point. So I figured I should talk to her first. But how? There's just so much I need to say, and I didn't think I'd be able to get it all out over the phone. So I started writing... keeping in mind that whatever I said to Laura, she would tell Todd, and vice versa. I even thought about writing Todd and Laura at the same time, and saying everything I need to say to both of them at once, but I didn't think that would be personal enough. So I wrote Laura an email. Here it is...

Hey Laura,

I'm sure you're thinking this is weird and random, me writing to you, but over the past few months, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I may have lost a friendship because I made a mistake...or 2 or 5... And I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep ignoring these feelings, I have to at least try to change things.
I'm sure Todd told you everything that happened last March, and I've been basically assuming that neither of you want to talk to me anymore. I'm more than ashamed of what I put Todd through, all the bullshit, and all the drama, but I really just want you to know, that I never tried to steal Todd away from you, or manipulate either of you in any way.
I was going through a lot of stuff at the time, my parents were splitting up, I got majorly fucked over by someone I thought I was a trustworthy friend, and I was just...a mess. Todd has always been a good friend to me, as you know, and I did develop some feelings for him, but he made it very clear to me that he did not return those feelings. It was hard to accept, and definitely made things awkward between us for a while, but after several months of thinking about it, I know now that he was right about everything, of course. I do remember you asking me if I ever had feelings for Todd, and I know I lied to you. But I didn't do it because I was trying to deceive you. I just didn't want to lose your respect, or friendship, if that's what it was. I had so much fun with you at the Superbowl, and it felt like we were finally starting to be more than just acquaintances, and I didn't want to fuck that up. And I knew that nothing was going to happen with me and Todd. I just wanted to put everything behind me and move on, so I lied to you, and told you that I didn't have feelings for him. But even then, I only wanted him to be happy. Even if I didn't do the best job of showing it, I just wanted him to be with someone who deserves him, and really knows him for who he is on the inside, and loves him for that. Not his paycheck, or his status, or his fame, if you wanna call it that. I was worried for a while that he might find himself surrounded by the wrong kinds of people. People who just want to use him, and get what they can out of him. I guess I sort of feel protective of him in a way.
I was so happy when I found out you guys got back together, because you DO know Todd inside and out, you make him happy, and you love him for WHO he is, not WHAT he is. And I need you to know that I would never do anything intentionally to get between you two, or disrupt, or disrespect your relationship in any way. I love Todd, as a friend who I've known since grade school, and I know he loves you. Which is more than enough reason for me to value your opinion. And I have always liked you, Laura. I think you're beautiful, and smart, and a genuine, caring person. I don't want you to think badly of me because of any impressions you might have gotten of me in the past. I don't want you to feel like you can't trust me around Todd, because I would never try to get between you guys. And mostly, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, because I like pretty much everyone! And I'm not a threat to you. Any feelings I thought I had for Todd, are definitely long gone.
Even though he and I haven't talked much in the past few months, as I'm sure you already know, I still count him among my best friends, and I still love him like a family member. That will never change. I just feel really awful about the way things have turned out, and I wish we could all just go back to being friends again. I'm not deluding myself into thinking things can go back to the way they were before, but I do hope they will get better than this. I'm moving to Chicago in a little less than a month, and I just don't want to leave knowing that I totally fucked up and lost 2 friends because I acted like a hot mess for 2 months. I'm sorry for any confusion, or hurt that I may have caused you. And I'm sorry for lying to you. But I hope you do know that I care about you and Todd, and even if you guys don't want to talk to me, which I will understand, I just want you both to be happy.
My hope is that we can put everything behind us, and just be friends.

-Peyton

Then I sent it.

After that I sent Todd a text message, that just said, "Todd, I want our friendship back. Tell me what I have to do to make that happen."

Simple, and to the point. And since it was already 3am when I sent the message, I figured he wouldn't read it till the next day, hopefully around the same time Laura checked her email.

I've been checking my messages all day, hoping to hear something back from Laura or Todd, but still nothing. Nothing from either of them, till about 8:30pm. Todd texted me, asking me if I had a good chunk of time to talk tonight. Unfortunately I had to tell him no, because I was at my Mom's at the time, and heading to Bethany's afterwards to bring her some cookies I made her. I explained why, and he said he was sorry about Bethany's mom and that we would get together soon. ((Sigh)) I'm really anxious about this conversation with him. I feel like I'm about to get a lecture or something. All I want is for things to go back to a semi-normal state between he and I. I don't wanna feel like a pariah around him anymore. So why am I so scared to talk to him???

A Clean Break

Hey guys,

Someone asked me a couple questions on my last blog, so I figured I would take the time to update you on those things.

1) Law School.

Things with he and I are actually totally back to normal. Which is awesome. We don't talk as much as we used to, but that's mostly because we're both so insanely busy all the time. But he still comes in the bar from time to time, and we hug and catch up. So everything with he and I is great.

2) As for Todd, I wish I could say the same...

I called him once, at the beginning of the season because he suffered an injury, and I had heard it was serious, and I just wanted to see how he was doing. Turns out his injury wasn't as serious as the press was making it out to be, which is good. But our conversation was shallow, and brief, and neither of us talked about any of the issues. Neither of us has tried to contact each other since then either. It's not that I don't want to. I mean, I still really care about him, love him and miss him... But I just don't know what he told Laura, and I know he's not one to keep secrets from her. So I think it's safe to assume he's told her everything, which most likely means she hates me. Or at the least, she isn't comfortable with me and Todd's friendships, and she certainly doesn't want to be friends with me. So out of respect for her, I just...I don't wanna say I gave up, because I will always value Todd's friendship, but at this time, we're just going to have to be friends from a distance. Sometimes I think about sending her an email, explaining everything, or asking her to meet me for coffee. But I know she would tell Todd everything I say, and he might think I'm trying to stir up shit again or something. I dunno...

Now that I'm moving, I've kinda gotten this idea in my head that I'm just going to leave everything from my old life behind, and start completely fresh. Which means I'm not going to stress about Todd, and wonder if he and Laura hate me. And I'm not going to try to mend things, because if he wanted to be my friend, he would have given me a call when he was in town, but he didn't. It's sad, but I'm resigned to this fate I guess. I'm just ready to make a clean break.

Next Time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Well, not really posted. I have a lot to write about actually, I just...haven't really been in the mood to blog. But now I have lots to write about so here goes...

Things with Todd and I have not improved. At all. In fact, I would say they're much worse. Apparently Laura told him about our conversation a few months ago, and not only did she make me out to be the devil's advocate, but she completely forgot to mention all the talking she did as well. ((Sigh)) It wasn't even like we were sitting there talking shit about Todd, we were just...commiserating. But it's my fault for thinking I could seek solace in my best friend's ex girlfriend. So now he thinks that I said he's turned into this huge, stuck-up, douchebag, famewhore. Ugh. And I even told him that I'm really truly sorry for saying anything at all, even though it wasn't that. And he just said, "I'm not mad, I'm just shocked. Sorry doesn't cut it."
So...WTF? What else can I do??
So I just said, "Well there's nothing else I can do or say, Todd. Either you accept my apology or you don't. Is this something we're gonna be able to get past? Because I just wish things could go back to the way they were."
To which he replied, "Yes, but I don't wanna think about this right now. I just need some time."
That was like 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

But, even though my relationship with Todd is heading in a southerly direction, one of my other friendships has improved. I met up with Law School finally, and we hashed everything out. I told him that I knew about the text messages between he and Melissa, and the shit talking, and the lying, and hiding things from me. He sincerely apologized and said the only reason he didn't tell me, was because he believed he was doing the right thing. He said since Melissa and I had been friends for longer than Law School and I, he thought it was only fair to defer to me and Melissa's friendship, and she didn't want to tell me. Although I don't think I would have done the same thing in that situation, I just decided I'm not going to dwell on it. I mean, he obviously felt bad, and put in the effort to show me he felt bad, so I should just forgive and forget, right? He and Melissa hardly even talk anymore, he said. But that doesn't matter either. He and I have texted back and forth a few times through out the week, and he's called me a couple times. So things between he and I are back to normal, I would say.

In other news, lots of stuff coming up! This coming Monday is my bar's annual boat party/staff outing! I'm so excited! and then on Thursday, I leave for Orlando to go to Harry Potter Wizarding World with Dad and Sophie!!! I'm even more excited for that! Oh, and did I tell you I bought my plane ticket to Chicago for Christmas?? :D
I only have one more month of working at my day job. I can't wait till September, ahhh! I'll have my life back again! When I'm in Chicago, Sophie and I are going to visit 2 campuses of schools that I'm interested in. And once I have my days free I'm going to start spending a lot more time thinking about schools, and working on my photography portfolio. Only problem is, my lease is about to be up, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that... But that's another can of worms I'm just not ready to acknowledge yet.

Oh, and I supposed I should update you guys on Kevin. I have no updates. ((Sigh)) I stopped texting him, and he stopped texting me. Of course it was always me initiating it, so that was a red flag right there. I did run into him last night and it was just...meh. No butterflies or anxiety about seeing him, just "hey". So it's definitely over between us, if there ever was anything to end. Oh well. Better luck next time?

What's Going On With My Guys??

A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 days, surprisingly, so I'm just going to start from the beginning.

Tuesday after work, I went up to my bar because they were testing out some new menu items and the managers asked us to come try it out. So Ali and I met up, and decided to hang out at my bar till the industry party, which didn't start till 11. I almost changed my mind about going, but I was already out, so I figured what the hell.
So Ali and I were sitting in a booth, chatting and killing time, and we were both messing around on Facebook, when I noticed some pictures of Todd and Laura. Together! So I immediately texted Laura, to find out if they were back together, and she said that yes, they had started talking again, and things were going great. And you have no idea how relieved and happy I was to hear this, because...after everything that's happened, I do think that Laura is the best thing for Todd right now. I don't know about for forever, but for now I think she's good for him. And they make each other happy, so I'm happy. So I sent Todd a text message...
"Hey Todd! I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but Laura told me you 2 are talking again and I just wanted to tell you that I think that's so great and I'm really, truly happy for you guys!"

Then he responded with,

"I'm not gonna lie Peyton, I'm a little hurt by what I've heard. She told me that you called her telling her that I was dating a girl with STDs and that I had changed a lot with the whole NFL mentality. What hurts the most is that you told her a month after we had supposedly resolved things. Then I flew in and out just for your birthday cause I wanted to show you how much our friendship meant to me. That's why I haven't talked to you, just didn't know what to say..."

I was so shocked and hurt when I read that. I mean...I thought we were past this? And honestly, I can't even remember exactly what I said to Laura that day she called me. But I know I didn't tell her he was dating someone with STDs! Maybe I might have said something jokingly, or flippant, and she took it the wrong way, but I wouldn't have said that to her, even if it was true, because that would only hurt her feelings. So I wrote back,

"What?? I never said you were dating a girl with stds, I don't know who has stds or not. Honestly I do think you've changed though, not necessarily for the worst, just different. You're more distant. I don't have any feelings for you in that way anymore, and I've figured out a lot of things. I was afraid of losing you as a friend and as an important person in my life and so I thought I must have romantic feelings for you. But in retrospect, I realize that we don't have that kind of chemistry. I love you as a friend and just want you to be happy. I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Laura. And I hope for that reason, you don't feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING that happened last Feb. Laura and I did talk twice. Once on FB and once she called me and we just talked...as girls. No shit talking about you. I'm sorry that you think that. But ever since the Jayme situation I've felt very discredited as far as you're concerned. It's like you don't believe anything I say anymore."

Todd: Well that's what she said, she would have no reason to lie. Same stuff I heard from you directly while everything was going on...

Me: I'm not going to play he said she said. Believe what you want, Todd. All of that shit is in the past. I don't even think about it anymore. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. Your prerogative. Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you

Todd: Ok well thank you, with the family, let's talk soon.

Me: Ok

((Sigh))
I tried to put our conversation out of my mind after that, in order to have a good time, but I definitely thought about it most of yesterday. And today, I talked to Bethany about it, and she said I should definitely call him, or run the risk of him thinking I don't really care. So I sent him another text about 20 minutes ago, that said,

"Hey Todd. I know you're upset, and you think all these shiteous things about me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. About everything. I'm not going to try to justify my actions or even explain myself, because I feel like that would be pointless. I meant what I said about being happy for you and Laura. I really do just want the best for you. I hate arguing, or whatever it is we're doing, with you. It's just not in our dynamic. And I just...don't want to do it anymore."

Now I'm just waiting for him to respond. So! Back to Tuesday night.
I did go to the industry party, and it sucked. Ali and I went together, but it ended up just being she and I, then Greg, and his girlfriend, and Brandon. So it was really awkward. And the party itself was lame, there was no free anything, like there usually is at those kind of things, so I ended up going home around 12:30, feeling rather blue. It's still too weird for me to be around Brandon in a small group. Work is one thing but...I dunno. I just couldn't stomach it.

So yesterday, Wednesday, I texted with Kevin all day, again, waiting and wondering if and when he was ever going to ask me out, and starting to lose my patience! And I also sent a text message to Evan, who I haven't heard from in like a million years! I've been pestering him for the past week, but he hasn't been in touch. Loser! On my way home from work, he finally called me! He said he's been busy with work, and he doesn't really go out anymore, he's practically married, etc... It was kind of sad talking to him, just because we've drifted apart so much, and he's moved on to the next stage in life, and I haven't. ((Sigh))
But at least we finally talked. He said he was afraid I was going to yell at him for being MIA for so long, and I said, "Well that wasn't so bad, was it?" And he laughed, and promised to keep in touch.

When I got home, I finally just sucked it up and asked Kevin if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he took so long to respond, that I was already mentally writing him off, when he finally wrote back.

"Yes, does tomorrow count as the weekend? lol. My buddy is having his bach party in Vegas Friday-Sunday. I'd like to hang out though."

So I wrote back, "I suppose tomorrow can count ;)"

We chatted back and forth a bit more, but he didn't say anything else about us hanging out. So now we have these tentative plans for this afternoon, but I'm almost halfway expecting him to blow me off or something. ((sigh)) Ugh...

Ok so this morning, when my alarm went off, I reached over to my phone, to silence it, and noticed that I had 3 text messages.
From Law School.
That immediately woke me up.

LS: Hey...I know you don't want to talk to me. But, I actually have friends visiting from home this weekend, the first guy got in town tonight and I brought him to [my bar].
LS: I thought of you...just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you. I just got my own place, maybe you can come by sometime, or I'll see you otherwise. Ciao!
LS: And...I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I've held that in for a while, but I mean it.

So I laid in bed, thinking about what he said, and mulling things over, and I decided I should talk to him. Finally. Maybe he really is sorry. And he's definitely put in the effort to talk to me, so I should give him a second chance. ((Sigh))

So when I got to work this morning, I wrote him back...

Me: I think you misunderstand my reasons for not talking to you, [Law School]. My feelings being hurt is just...collateral damage. If you want to talk, then you better be prepared to listen.

LS: Fair enough, I will always listen no matter how bad it is, as long as it is talking, not yelling.

Me: I wasn't planning to yell, or talk shit. Just enlighten you.

LS: I understood. :) Just putting the caveat out there. How have you been otherwise?

Me: Swell.

LS: Swell as in good or swell as in the water is rising?? Haha

Me: You realize I can't just sit here and make cutsie banter with you until we hash this out, right?? Because I'm willing to talk, but I haven't decided about anything else yet. And you might not even WANT to talk to me again.

LS: Haha. I'm very aware. What I've always like about you, Peyton, is that you don't let me press buttons. I respect that, because I'll try just to see if I can.

LS: And, to be completely honest, I'm not worried about not wanting to talk to you. I think I'm pretty objective about things and have no problem saying, "my fault".

Me: Ok then.

LS: Ok, next week. Or maybe Sunday. You can pick the battle zone :)


I haven't responded to his last text yet, because I haven't decided when or where I want to meet up with him, but...I think at least this is headed in the right direction. It will feel good to finally explain to him that it wasn't him dating Melissa that hurt me the most. It was them lying to me and hiding it from me, and talking shit about me behind my back! So I'll definitely keep you guys posted on that.

But mostly, I'm worried about my relationship with Todd. I just want things to go back the way they were, before I ever told him I had feelings for him. It was stupid. I was stupid. I ruined everything. Now what??

Caught Up In A Book

I know I haven't written in a while, but it's because I'm reading The Pillars of the Earth and I CANNOT put it down! It's so good!!

Anyways, I finally talked to Todd. Monday night I noticed on his FB page that he and Andrew are throwing their party this weekend, and my feelings were really hurt that he didn't invite me. But then again...I did tell him that I didn't wanna talk to him for a while, so I figured it was my own fault. And I decided to call him.
He answered the phone on the first ring. He was in the car with Andrew. We chatted for a bit, but I still felt kind of awkward. He did invite me to the party, but obviously, at such late notice there was no way I would be able to get off work at the bar. I wouldn't have gone anyways, it's just...still a little weird for me. Mostly I just feel discredited, and like he thinks I'm crazy or something. Melissa has told me so many things that Jayme has said about me, like that I told her I was going to "murder her in her sleep" for dating Todd, etc etc... So I'm sure she repeated those things to Todd, and I dunno... I just feel like when it comes to Jayme, Todd is completely deaf to everything I say. Our conversation was short, and unfulfilling, and I got off the phone with him still feeling sad, and empty about our relationship. He's going to be home for Easter though, so I'm hoping we can talk and hang out and maybe things can start getting back to normal.

I just got a text message from Brandon. What. Thefuck.

Oh. He just wanted to know if I'm working tonight because he has my Christmas present from Summer. Yea, that's how long it's been since Summer and I have hung out! I miss her. I can't wait till it gets warm again and we can start going out on Mark's boat on Sundays! I hope we do anyway. He has a "serious" girlfriend now, and I'm not sure how she will feel about all us girls coming along on their weekend expeditions to the lake. But we'll see...

There are a couple things I would like to mention about Brandon, since we're sort of on the subject. The last 2 weeks at work have been weird. Not as far as I'm concerned, because it's gotten to the point where I can really be nice to Brandon now. I'm not mad at him anymore, and I don't feel the need to be hostile or defensive. It's all faded away, finally. Which is nice. And I think because of that, he feels like he doesn't know how to act around me?? I'm not sure. But 2 people have said some strange things to me in the past couple of weeks.

1) Greg made a comment 2 weeks ago, while he and I were doing inventory. I was talking about saving the elephants (they are endangered and there are only enough of them left on the planet to fill 1/3 of a football stadium!!!) and Brandon said something negative, I can't even remember what. But he said it just for the sake of disagreeing with me, because that's what he always does. And I just said, "Well I think you are being negative, and I don't like it", in a jokingly haughty tone. And Greg said, "You two stop flirting so we can finish inventory!"
And I was so shocked, and taken aback by his comment that I was speechless! Literally. Speechless. So I continued calling bottles out to him without another word.
Then later that same night, I was telling Greg about how Nick, my creepy neighbor, was stalking me, and I laughingly pleaded him to come home with me and pretend to be my boyfriend. Brandon was standing nearby, but he wasn't part of our conversation, and I didn't even think he was listening, but he said something unintelligible to Greg, and then Greg said something unintelligible back, but I heard my name.

"What did you say??" I asked Greg.

"Oh, nothing! I'm not going to repeat it or I might get my ass kicked!" He said.

"WHAT?? Tell me what you said!" I protested, but he wouldn't.

Then, finally, when Brandon left the room, he told me that he said, "Well if you wanna go home with Peyton, I'll cover for you."

And I was like, "WHY would you say that???" But he just shook his head, shrugged and smiled.

????

2) One of our kind of new girls (not so new anymore, but still new to me), her name is Amelia, who I actually really like, made a comment last week, that Brandon still flirts with me all the time. And I argued that he doesn't, but she just smiled and raised her eyebrows at me, and insisted that he does.

But I don't know. I'm still sticking by my theory that he just doesn't know how to act around me anymore. But the idea that he might someday realize what he threw away, and beg me to take him back, is still somewhat thrilling. I know I don't want to be with him, and it would never work out between us, but there are still residual feelings there, lying dormant, deep inside of me somewhere. Because even now, my heart is still racing after seeing his name pop up unexpectedly on my phone. ((sigh))

I wish he didn't have that power over me. I don't even know why he does. It's just like, every time I see him, I'm so aware of him, it drives me crazy!

Anyways, I'm officially calling it quits with Tennis Shoes Dave. I'm just not attracted to him, and I just can't make myself be attracted to him. I'm tired of wasting my time with guys I'm not really that into. He's nice and all but...the chemistry's just not there. And I'm so busy, all I wanna do is have fun and be single when I have spare time.
Ali and I have been hanging out a lot lately, because she just got dumped, and she's been really depressed. So she's been calling me and texting me every day, and we went to the movies on Tuesday. Last Sunday, Taryn and I did a little bit of Sunday Funday. I miss that! Being able to go out all day Sundays, and have fun with my girlfriends. So now, me, Ali, Taryn, and technically Bethany (but not really, cuz she's been seeing Ben's cousin, unofficially) are all single!
Alli and I are gonna hang out this Sunday, so Taryn will probably come too.

And next Saturday, I got the night off! Jenna and I are supposed to hang out, and Todd's gonna be in town, but I haven't decided if I'm gonna invite him out with us yet. I'm sure Jenna will be against that.

But right now I feel like things are really looking up. This morning, me, Veronica and Dana (my officemates) had a meeting with the head honcho boss lady about our projects. We were all really nervous about it, cuz she asks a lot of hard hitting, randomb, obscure questions, that almost no one knows the answers to off the top of their head, but it went surprisingly well! And she thanked us, and told us we were really helpful. So things at work have been good.
And I am really, completely, actually and totally no strings attached. To anyone!

And I feel so carefree! Tonight is going to be a good night at work. I can tell, cuz I'm in such a good mood!

Insider Info

My boss is out of the office today so I can listen to my iPod! Haha. So I'm rockin' Rude Boy by Rihanna at the moment. I'm sure my boss wouldn't care if I listened to my iPod, but I don't, just in case he sneaks up on me while I'm jammin' out. Lol.
Anyway, Jenna talked to Dave again yesterday, and she gave him my number, finally. So perhaps I'll be hearing from him soon. We'll see...
Tonight, Cecilia and I are going to see Dierks Bentley at the rodeo! I'm so excited! We're going again next week to see Rascal Flatts. I always have so much fun with Cecilia so I'm glad we're going to finally get to spend some time together.
So yesterday, I heard from 2 people (Ben and Taryn) in 2 totally separate conversations that Jayme is apparently telling everyone that Todd is obsessed with her, and smothering her, and she's so annoyed with him, etc... Ugh. How fucking typical. I mean, he gives his affections to someone who clearly doesn't deserve them, and then she just...throws them away! What I wouldn't do to be in her position... ((Sigh)) Whatever.
To Anonymous who commented on my last post, I didn't think your comment was mean at all. And I appreciate your perspective, because I hadn't thought about it that way, and I guess you're right. I kind of knew that in a way, because I know how crazy it sounds to say he chose her over me, it's just... I dunno. I'm still not ready to talk to him yet. Even if he and Jayme are already over.
I just hope that Jayme is honest with him, so that he doesn't continue to waste his time on her. Then maybe I could get my friend back.

Here's a little story I've gotta tell
'Bout this boy I know so well
Back in the day was cool and all
Fell in love, I fell in love
Thought he was the one for me
Other boys I could not see
And look what happened to our love
I'm like how could it be?

It should have been me and you
It could have been you and me
Boy you broke my heart and now I'm standing there
It should have been me and you
It could have been you and me
Now all I got are these photographs

All I've got, all I've got
All I've got are these photographs
All I've got, all I've got
Is nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you

Now baby it's killing me
I'm saying it's killing me
The fact that you ain't around
Baby I'm falling down
I need me a remedy
Been looking for remedies
I need you to be around
Baby I'm hurting now
I know you're a better man
When I was your girl
This land is a better land
When you're in my world
Today will be better babe
If it were like yesterday
So happy and lovely hey, hey, hey

All I've got, all I've got
All I've got are these photographs
All I've got, all I've got
Is nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you

All I've got are these photographs
I remember when I used to make you laugh
I don't wanna be stuck in the past
But you're all that I have that I had
And I don't wanna lose what we built this far
This is me and you, you're my superstar
I'd give anything, baby here's my heart
My heart, my heart…

Anybody else ever felt this way??



Quote Of The Day:

"Snail fiddling is not an occupation I'd be proud of. You dirty fucker."

No One

Why do I feel like Todd chose Jayme over me? I don't mean in a romantic sense, I just mean...it's like he chose to date her, rather than be friends with me. I know this sounds completely irrational, it's just...I can't help but feel that way! Ugh... He sent me a text the other night that said,

"Hey Peyton! I know you don't really want to speak right now, but just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated all the pictures and frames that you set up for me. I didn't expect anything and was really blown away. Thank you so much!"

((Sigh)) I wanted to write back and say something like..."It's not that I don't want to speak to you, I just need some time", but I just didn't respond. I just feel really hurt and trampled on. It's like he hardly knows this chick, but he's known me for 20+ years and instead of really taking my advice to heart, or even just considering it, he just completely disregards everything I say, and the way this whole situation makes me feel. I mean, what if they end up staying together?!? I will never be ok with that. Never. And I hate that he would rather spend all his time with her! I wanted to hang out with Todd while he was here, and now it's like I can't even talk to him! Part of me feels like Jayme manipulated this whole situation just to get me out of the way!!
ARRRRRRRRRRGH! I know how crazy this all sounds. Completely insane. Off the reservation. Batshit crazy. I know, I know. It's just...wtf is up with all my friends lately?? Why?? It's like just when I feel like I have someone I can really count on, they throw me under the bus. And what sucks the most is that at the end of the night, you know when you get in bed, and you kinda feel like crying, but really you just need somebody to talk to? I have no one.
No one.


Quote Of The Day:
"Stupid fucking cunty bollocks..... expialidocious."

Enter, Dave

A couple weeks ago, when Todd and I went out to dinner with my friends, he came over afterwards, and we looked through all my photos of his season. He picked out several that he wanted me to put on a CD for him, so that he could have prints made and hang them in his new place in Dallas. Well, since his birthday is next week, I went ahead and had the prints made for him. Then all the shit with Jayme went down, but I had already paid for the prints. And I still wanted to give them to him. So Saturday during the day, I went and picked them up and then I had them all framed. There were about 16 photos, and most of them were 8x10 or 8x12 so it came out to around $200 with the frames. ((Sigh)) But...the way I see it, Todd has done so much for me, and there's not really a whole lot I could give him that he couldn't get somewhere else. So I wanted to give him that. And I know how much it means to him.
So I headed over to my parents house afterwards and told them to give the pictures to Todd. They were heading out to his party, which I had been planning to go to, but decided against it. I told Todd I thought it was best if I just...took myself out of the picture for a while, because it's not like my feelings are something I can just switch on and off. And thinking about him and Jayme together just hurts.
So instead, I went and hung out with Jenna and her boyfriend. It was his birthday party, and Jenna really wanted me to go. Plus, she said she wanted me to meet this guy. I warned her that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, and I'm trying to get over my feelings for Todd, and I'm just...really not in the right place to be meeting guys.

"FINE! Just come, and meet him. No pressure. You don't have to marry the guy or anything!" She said.

I sighed, and reluctantly agreed. We met at one of our old hangouts from back in the day. My ex-fiance's brother still works there. He hates me. Awkward...

But Jenna and I had a really good time. I'm so glad she's moving back! She actually going to be staying with me next weekend. But we goofed off, and talked, and I didn't get drunk or anything. I'm trying to lay off the booze for a while after Thursday... So I just had one glass of apple cider, and that was it. And I met Dave. He lives next door to Jenna's parents, and coincidentally, he's friends with Jenna's boyfriend and all his friends too. Small world I guess.
Jenna kept making eyeballs, and dramatic gestures to the table behind us, to point him out to me. She was desperately waiting for an opportunity to introduce us. But Dave beat her to it when he came over and sat down next to me. It kind of surprised me actually, cuz he just sat down and started talking! He's a little bit older (early 30's. And I mean older as in, compared to guys I usually date), very attractive, calm, and nice. He has his own house, went to college, and he has a good job. He's actually a chiropractor and he's looking into starting his own practice. And he has a really warm smile. There's something about him just kind of puts a person at ease, ya know?
I didn't bother flirting with him, or putting my best face forward or any of that. I just talked to him, like a normal person. And I was totally myself. When Jenna and I went off on a Step Brothers quoting rant, I didn't hold back. Lol. So he pretty much saw me for me. And at the end of the night, when he didn't ask for my number, I didn't care! I mean, I kind of expected him to, but I wasn't bothered when he didn't. I had a good time with my cousin, and that's all that mattered.
But just as I was getting into bed that night, Jenna called. She wanted to tell me that Dave was mad at himself for not getting my number, but he was under the impression that I was going back to the hotel with everyone, so he thought he would have another opportunity. So Jenna told him she was going to be staying with me next weekend, and she asked him if he wanted her to arrange for us to all get together again, and he said yes. Lol. So now, Jenna and I are in the process of planning some kind of...group hang? I dunno, but we wanna do something fun, relaxing and you know, no pressure. Jenna suggested roller skating. And I'm down with that, I haven't gone roller skating in so long! Anybody else have any suggestions?

I wanna try a new approach with this guy. I mean, I don't even know if I like him, and I'm definitely not ready to jump into anything, but he's nice, and I definitely wanna see him again. And Jenna says he's the "settle down type of guy"; he's not into casual flings. Which is good, because honestly, I think I am a settle down type of girl. I just haven't found the right guy yet. And I'm going to take my time finding him. And I'm going to be myself and put myself first for once. You know, not put so much effort into making the guy happy in the relationship. And I'm not getting ahead of myself here, I'm not saying that DAVE is going to be my next boyfriend. I just decided that...when it happens, it happens, and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.

Not In The Cards For Me

1) If you wanna say something rude, go right afuckinghead. But don't be a PUSSY, and put your name to your comment!!! I fucking dare you.

2) The stories I post sometimes, are not merely exercises in creative writing, they're true! :) They're memories; things that have made a major impact on my life.

Moving on...
Todd called me Tuesday night and we talked. The good news is, he and are fine, and I feel really solid about our relationship. He's not going anywhere, and that will never change. He cares about me a lot, and he said we've known each other too long for him to feel weird or awkward around me, no matter what happens. And he said he was sorry for hurting my feelings.
The bad news is, he said he doesn't see me that way. He said he thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous, but he just sees me as a friend. And apparently we had a conversation about this right before the season started, but I was drunk and I don't remember. I have GOT to stop doing that! I feel so stupid. Ugh... So he said he thought I knew what his feelings were, and it was not his intention to hurt me. The other thing is, he and Jayme didn't go on a date Sunday night. They went out with a group of people. She just failed to mention that. She made it sound like it had just been the 2 of them, am I wrong?? I mean I pasted the text messages, exactly as she wrote them. And I told Todd that too.
And after we talked about our relationship and everything, he asked me about Jayme. And I basically said, "Look. When I heard you were interested in her, I talked to a couple friends, just to get some advice, and they all said the same thing: that I was obligated to tell you how crazy she is. That I had to warn you."
So I did. I told him that he's way too good for her. That last year, she would never have given him a second glance. Sure, she probably would have liked him, had they gotten to know each other, but she wouldn't have even bothered. She just likes him now because of what he has to offer. And I told him that she gets insanely jealous with all her boyfriends, and screams, yells, and hits them, and just...completely freaks out... And I didn't think he would want to deal with that. Bottom line is, he's too good for her. Wayyyyyy too good for her.

And it's true, Jayme and I aren't really friends, by definition. We are coworkers, who get along, and who have hung out together from time to time, and I have never bore her any ill will. And if the tables had been reversed, I never would have made the decision she made. I never would have even approached her guy friend, and asked him out, knowing what she knows about Todd and I, if she were in my position. But clearly, she doesn't hold that same regard for me, and that's just the way it is.

Also, she lied and exaggerated about the situation! She led me to believe that she and Todd went out on a date Sunday night, and that he had asked her out again. But really, it was a group of people who hung out Sunday, and really she was the one who asked him out! So I think maybe she just wanted me to think that he was really interested in her, so that I would feel guilted into giving them my blessing. ((Sigh)) Whatever. It's none of my concern anymore. I warned Todd about her, he knows I care about him as his best friend, and I'm very protective of him. And he's smart. He will come to see what everyone else already knows. It will never last.

I'm still pretty depressed that he says he could never see me in a romantic light. I mean, never?? How can you say never? Things can always change, right? ((Sigh)) But I'm not going to hold out hope, because that would be foolish. And I love him so much (as a friend) that even if it hurts like hell, I will always be his friend, and I will always stand by his side, and be there for him, no matter what. And I know, at least, that he does feel the same, in that respect.

But there was more to our conversation... When I told him that my friends had said I needed to warn him about Jayme, he asked me who had said that. Because Jayme had told him that some mutual friends of ours had been telling her not to worry about me, and to just go for it. And Todd said that even though he'd promise not to name any names, he thought that if the same people were talking to me and to Jayme, I deserved to know who they were, because obviously they aren't very loyal friends.

So I named the people I talked to: Izzie, Ben, Bethany, and Melissa. And apparently Melissa is the backstabber! I just couldn't believe it. She had always been a good friend to me. Why would she tell Jayme to not worry about me, and just go out with Todd??
Then I remembered the text message she had sent me earlier that day. This is what it said,

"Peyton, I know u r really upset & mad right now, but u and Jayme have never been good friends. Todd's a nice guy, do you really think she would let this opportunity pass her up? I'm just trying to be honest."

And while that's true, why would she say that to me?? All I needed from her was a friend to lean on, someone to listen. I didn't respond to her text, but when Todd told me that she had told Jayme not to worry, "because she's not going to be reasonable about this anyway", I was just crushed. I mean, she and Jayme aren't even friends!! They've gone to work out together a couple times, but they are friendly acquaintances, at best. Melissa is supposed to be my best friend! And I'm not saying she should take sides, I just think she should have stayed out of it! It wasn't her place to call Jayme and talk to her about my problems! She had nothing to do with it! And that's exactly what Todd said, "I can't understand why she wouldn't just mind her own business".

So Tuesday night, I went to a movie with Ali (When In Rome) and after the movie, I took a deep breath, and called Melissa. I just wanted to make sure and remain calm throughout the conversation. I didn't want a screaming match. So when she answered, I said my calmest voice,

"Are you somewhere where you can talk?"

"Yea, what's up?"

"Well...I'm really mad at you, and upset and hurt. I can't believe that you would reach out to Jayme, and tell her that she should just go ahead and date Todd, because I'm never going to be reasonable about it. I just can't fucking believe that you would stick your nose in where it doesn't belong, and undermine me like that. Why would you go out of your way to say that to her, when you're one of the few people who actually knows how I truly feel about Todd!?"

"First of all, how dare you cuss at me and talk to me like that! I did not reach out to Jayme or say those things! And you have no right to talk to me like that! If this is the way you're going to talk to me, then this is where our friendship ends!"

And she hung up on me.

I tried calling her back, but of course she didn't answer. And now, I was furious, and really hurt. She didn't even offer to explain herself, she just got mad, and her first reaction was to end our friendship! WTF!!?? Now I know how Tim must feel ALL THE TIME. Not to mention, she knows better than to take offense to me cussing. I know it's a bad habit, but anyone who knows me, knows I cuss like a sailor!
And so the text message battle ensued...

Me: I can't believe you're not even going to hear me out and you're just gonna cut me off like that. CLEARLY I'm upset and I wanna clear this up. How can you sit here and make this about you??
Me: I just had the heartbreak of my life, then I find out from TODD that you were talking to Jayme about me. I thought I knew where your loyalties were, and I didn't think they were with Jayme.
Me: And it hurts my feelings even more that you could be so quick to end a friendship.

Melissa: I cannot believe you have the nerve to talk to me like that after I've always been there for you when Bethany and Summer and whoever else hasn't. U can be mad & act ridiculous I'm not worried about it. I have my own problems including my relationship with Tim, taking care of my sick granny & mom plus school. If you had talked to me things would have been different. I'm not playing these dramatic games with you, just leave me alone.

Me: Talk to you like what? Like I'm upset?? I'm not playing games. I can't believe you would hang up on me! That's immature and ridiculous. It would be much easier to TALK but if you're not worried about it then fine. You just wanna kick me when I'm down, not explain ANYTHING to me, not listen to what I have to say, just >click<. That's real nice.
Me: You were the last person I expected to hurt me like this. I don't know why you would reach out to Jayme instead of talk to me, and I can't believe that you could be so flippant and cold, and without giving it a second thought, end our friendship. Soooo fucked up.

Melissa: Undermine you, cuss at me and feel the need to talk to me like I'm beneath you. No, that's not ok & I'm not going to listen when I know nothing I say will change ur mind. I know u better than u think. I've always been loyal. I've always looked out for you. I've always been a good friend. I cannot believe u would react like this bc I talked to Jayme on the phone. Peyton, u are exaggerating & don't use words that I can't understand to make me feel stupid...

I didn't respond anymore after that. By this time, I was in my bed, sobbing, and just ready to go to sleep. But let me tell you what I think.
First, did I use any big words in that conversation that any of you couldn't understand??? Because I wasn't trying to patronize her.
Second, if she has so many of her own problems, and she's not "worried" about me, then why would she even expel the effort to call Jayme? It wasn't her concern!! And I think I have every right to be upset, because she obviously didn't want me to find out that she talked to Jayme. She obviously told Jayme not to tell me they talked, because Jayme made Todd promise he wouldn't tell me! And I'm sorry, but I will take Todd's word over anyone's, any day.

I was really upset and hurt and disappointed after that so-called conversation with Melissa. I mean how much rejection can any one person handle in a day?? But now I just feel...resolved. I mean I'm not going to kiss her ass or try to convince her to be my friend. I'm just sick and fucking tired of trying to make everyone happy. This conflict with Melissa never should have happened! Because none of this had anything to do with her!! And she's the one being dramatic, by telling me she's ending our friendship and then hanging up on me! What are we in high school again??
I know, I'm not without my problems, and drama seems to follow me wherever I go, but try to avoid being the cause of any of it. And try to stay away from people who are the cause. People like Jayme, and I hate to admit it, Melissa! She is like the most dramatic person I know!

So I've decided I'm just gonna lay low for a while. I have a couple of things already on the books for the next couple weeks but I'm pretty much not going to talk to anyone who isn't a relative, I'm not going to log into Facebook for like 2 weeks, and I'm just gonna stay home and be alone. I just don't feel like being around anyone. I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted, and beaten down. I just feel like...shit. Nothing ever seems to happen the way I want it to. I can't just be happy. It's just not in the cards for me.