Sunday, February 17, 2013

Anonymous Love Letter

For one of my classes this week, we were given an assignment to write an anonymous love or lust letter. All the letters are going to be read out loud, and there will be no commenting or conversation, you know, in order to protect everyone's identities. I thought about this letter for a long time. It's weird, because for some reason I just thought I would end up writing something to Brandon. Because he was my last boyfriend, and things ended really shitty for us, at least on my end. So I thought maybe I could just...let loose on him, ya know? But then when I actually set pen to paper...this is what came out.

You were the scrawny little kid with the big glasses. I was too. You had buckteeth, and a squeaky voice. I had skinned knees and loved to scream. You loved soccer. I loved horses. You came to camp that summer. I still have the pictures of you in a bra. You were a good student, always making straight A’s. I was in art classes and marching band. You were a good head shorter than me. I stuck up for you when the bigger kids teased you. You always saw the silver linings. I saw you as too vulnerable. You liked to wear my letterman jacket because you thought it was cool. I remember walking through the halls with you and laughing. You finally started to grow. I saw people finally start to notice you. You were the soccer star turned varsity football player. I was still in art and band. You never stopped looking at me with that nerdy, disarming smile. I could finally see you at eye level. You laughed at my ridiculous humor. I probably didn’t need the encouragement. You got that Eve 6 CD stuck in your car stereo that one time. I made you a new copy. You became friends with all my friends. I spent every weekend in your pool that summer. You had your first girl troubles. I gave you whatever advice I could. You said you’d never understand girls. I said let’s get married if we’re still single when I’m 30. You laughed and agreed. I thought about how funny that would be. You sat with me in church every Sunday. I never came without a pen and paper. You finally got your own letterman jacket. I got my first boyfriend. You grew another foot that year. I went away to school. You lost the most important game of the season, and everyone turned their back on you. I wasn’t there. You came to my 21st birthday party. I still have the pictures from that too. You never missed my birthdays. I wonder if you know how much that means to me. You got a football scholarship to a school away from home. I congratulated you on the phone. You started seeing her shortly afterwards. I broke a man’s heart. You introduced me to your new girlfriend. I introduced you to my new boyfriend. You pretended to like him. I met my destruction in him eventually. You were there for me. I graduated from college. You came to my party. I stayed at your house that night. You were in your room with her. I was in the next room, with someone else. You got your own apartment. I finally went to one of your college football games. You had gotten so tall. I couldn’t help but really notice you for what felt like the first time. You were briefly unattached. I got to thinking. You got back together with her. I swept my feelings under the rug. You came home sometimes on weekends. I would always see you. You would always talk about her. I wondered if it would last. You told me I was your best friend. I started seeing someone. You told me you were having second thoughts about her. I got dumped at my own birthday party. You saw me cry for the first time. I needed a shoulder to lean on, and you were there. You got your dreams on a silver platter. I was so happy for you. You deserved it more than anyone. I told myself this wouldn’t change anything. You took me along for a ride on your coattails. I had the most amazing time, even though she was there. You broke up with her though. I asked you why. You said it was the distance. I saw my opportunity. You sat with me in church again. I sat between your mom and you. You ate lunch with us afterwards. I couldn’t help but notice our mothers’ stares. You were so different, and yet the same. I thought things might finally be heading in the right direction. You were still my best friend. I found out later about your date. You knew she was a friend of mine. I was devastated. You kept calling me. I wouldn’t answer. You didn’t understand. I finally told you how I feel. You said you didn’t feel the same. I buried my head in the sand. You got back together with her, in the end. I avoided you out of humiliation, and hurt. You moved away. I finally reached out to you. You said it was ok. I just wanted your friendship back. You said I’d never lost it. I alone knew what I had really lost. You got busy with your fame and fortune, your beautiful life. I struggled to find my place in the world. You moved in with her. I moved across the country. You came to visit me once. I gave you both my room. You seemed happy. I want you to be. You have drifted away from me now. I still think of you. You are everything I ever wanted. I am just your friend. You proposed to her late last year. I wept for every missed opportunity. You don’t know that I still love you. I turn 30 next year. You are marrying someone else.


Anonymous said...

Beautiful. That was well written! I think everyone reading this blog knows who you're talking about.
This could end up like one of those movies where years from now, he breaks up with her and you two finally get together. However, and I'm sorry, but it won't happen. I wish I had a magic wand and could grant you your wishes. I've been reading your blog since day one and i feel like I know you so well! I want you to be happy.
I don't have much advice, except that I feel you need closure from this guy. He was your friend, an awesome constant in your life for so long, but you do need to move on. He has. You can't be the person from him. Try to look back fondly, but that's all. Not longingly, or wanting but try to look back with good memories. Maybe seek a therapist? Or talk to your sister? Or write all your wants about him in a journal, then burn it. Something to really give yourself closure, for once and for all!!
Good luck, keep posting.

Anonymous said...

That was an amazing letter. You put your heart into that letter. I think anonymous is right, you need closure. I know we all wish this would have worked out differently between you and him. Crossing my fingers for you, I truly beleive everyone will eventually find their soul mate.