Sunday, August 30, 2009

Aniticipating Distraction

Well, this weekend was...interesting, to say the least. So I'm gonna work my way backwards...
Last night I had a dream that Brandon and I got back together...that we talked, well mostly he talked, and I listened, and we kissed and...everything was good again. ((Sigh)) I woke up way too early, thinking about him, and wondering if he thinks about me, and wanting to call him, text him...
Of course, I didn't. But it was just so...heart wrenching. Because I wish so bad, that I could have that. A dream come true.
But I know it's not right. Not meant to be. We can't go back. Ever.
Work last night was uneventful. Brandon hasn't made any more attempts to talk to me. And now I wish he would. Even though I still probably wouldn't listen. It would just be nice to know that he still cared on some level.

Friday night was actually, pretty good!
Ali and I got a little tipsy behind the bar. Lol. It was so slow, and I was...well you know. Working with Brandon.
So, my blast from the past, Mike, came into my work again that night. And he and I took some shots together, and we just kind hung out for a bit.
"So, Peyton! When are we gonna hang out? You know, like...really hang out?" He asked.
"What do you mean?? You've got my number!" I said.
"No! I don't actually! I mean, I thought I did, but I don't!"
"Ok, ok, well here!" I said, as I jotted my number down on a scrap of paper, "Now you don't have any excuses!"
"Awesome! I won't lose it!" And he folded it up and put it in his shirt pocket.
He left soon afterwards, but I'm sure I haven't heard the last of him.

Not too long afterwards, I served this really mysteriously sexy guy a couple times. He was really...quiet, and under the radar, ya know? Very intriguing... So when he asked me to close his tab, I made sure to look at his credit card, and get his first name. Logan. Then I wrote him a little note, and slid it into his check presenter.
"I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and give you my number..." And I left him my number!

Then last night, he texted me!! I was at work though, so I didn't get it till like...4am. But it said, "Hey what are you up to tonight?"
And then, "Sorry, I forgot you didn't have my number... This is Logan from last night. You wrote your number on my tab."
So I wrote him back, much later, "Well hello, Logan! Sorry, I just got your text. I know you're probably passed out by now, but I am still at work!"

Well, it is now 9pm the next day, and I never heard back from him again, so... Who knows? Maybe he'll never call! But, at least I put myself out there! Right?
Oh, and Mike Facebook messaged me today! He wants me to go watch his band next Thursday. I told him I'd try to make it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get off work.

Jasper's been sick the past week. He's had like...chronic, explosive diarrhea! I mean...literally, he can't make it through the night! And I've been losing sleep, because I keep having to get up and take him out, or get up and clean up his kennel, because he shat all over it. ((Sigh))
So I got up yesterday morning, after only 4 hours of sleep, and took him to the vet. Then I spent the entire day worrying about him, because the vet tech said he would need a parvo test. Ugh...
He ended up being fine in the end. Just stressed from moving. They gave him some antibiotics, and they're already starting to work!

So I guess, all in all, my weekend has been really...up and down. Every time I think I'm starting to move on, or...learn to live without Brandon, I get knocked down again. Something always happens! ((Sigh))
Hopefully a distraction will come soon.
Austin next weekend! I can't wait!!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

It Is What It Is

Today was actually not bad at all! I had to get up earlier than I would have liked, to make it to my waxing appointment. And that, was obviously not fun, but much needed. Afterwards, I ran some errands, and then Taryn texted me and invited me out for happy hour. Since it was only 5, I figured, why not? I wasn't supposed to be at work till 9. So I met up with her and 2 of her very tall, very attractive male friends and we had a couple drinks. Then we went to a Mexican restaurant for some grub.
I had a margarita with a Chamborde floater. Mmmm....
When I got to work, I was slightly buzzed, and in a good mood! And we were actually kind of busy!
OH! And Law School is back from visiting his parents up north. So he came in today. It was nice to see him. And we even talked about Austin next weekend! He and Mitchell* are thinking about joining Shane and I for a float down the river on Labor Day!!

*Note:* I introduced Law School to Mitchell one night right after Law School moved here, and now they're friends and they hang out all the time. Weird, huh?

So all night at work, I couldn't stop thinking about how much fun that would be! We could all 4 split a hotel room, or we could crash at Shane's, if it's cool with her, and it would just be a total blast! Tug was working with me tonight, and I mentioned it to him. He says if Bethany wants, they might come too! I'm so excited! Even if it ends up being just me and Shane, I'm sure we'll pull some tail, just us girls, and still have an amazing time!

Tomorrow I've got a piano lesson, and then I'm going to get a long overdue pedicure! I work at 10pm, and Brandon will be there already when I get there. ((Sigh))
But I'm going to try and pull some strings and see if I can't get transferred over to another one of our bars... Usually they're not very accommodating about that, but lately they've been making some changes, so we'll see...
All in all, today was a good day. I only cried about Brandon once, and I think I might actually get to fall asleep without crying again! I know it sounds pathetic but...it is what it is.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

New Level of Bummed

He changed his myspace status to single.
Why does that, of all things, have to hurt so much?
I sat at my computer and cried for a few minutes.
Thought about texting him.
Thought about calling him.
But I didn't.
But I have absolutely nothing to distract me, nothing to take my mind off how terrible I feel.
I wish I could just not care.
I wish I could just forget him.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Interesting Developments

OMG. I'm kind of drunk right now. And I didn't mean to get drunk. But I was eating leftover wings, and all I had to drink was bottled water, or wine. So I opened this bottle of sparkling wine that Brandon and I bought about a week ago, and I poured myself a glass. I figured, what the hell? And the wings were a bit spicey, so I ended up chugging my first glass, and then my second, and well...here I am! Drunk! Hahaha.

So I'm pretty buzzed, chatting on Facebook, and guess who messages me?

You guys probably don't remember him, but back when we met, I referred to him as The Good Guy. We actually "met" on a dating website, and he knew Bethany. Well, every now and then, he comes into my bar, or we run into each other. I've just never mentioned it before, cuz I never thought it was really relevant. Ya know? But tonight, he sent me a FB chat message, and when I went ot write back, he had signed off. So I texted him.

Me: You hung up on me!

TGG: My computer is being a biatch. Whats up?

Me: I dunno, you messaged me!

TGG: Yea, I was looking forward to some FB chat but alas, my computer is ridiculous. Just sayin hey.

Me: Ah...yes. FB chat is my only form of entertainment at my new place till the cable gets set up.

TGG: Where's your new place?

Me: (description)

TGG: Cool. I'm still at the same place. This is gonna sound weird, but I had a dream about you last night.

Me: Aaahahaha! About what?

(Ten minutes goes by...)

Me: Comeon...The suspense is killing me!

TGG: The fact that I'm not going to tell you what the dream was about will probably give you a good idea of what was involved. So yea... It was interesting.


TGG: Lol yes. We did. I woke up as surprised as you are.

Me: Surprised and satisfied! Haha. You know what that means, right?

TGG: It means I woke up with a boner and had to pee really bad.

Me: Lmao, Well yes, but it also means you have deep rooted sexual frustration that you secretly want to take out on me.

(Several minutes go by...)

Me: [TGG]. There's no need to be embarassed. We're both consenting adults. Lol.

TGG: Ah! I just got every text back to back all at once. now my phone is being a bitch.

Me: Man...technology must really be out to get you.

TGG: Yep. Well FYI, you were a good lay in the dream. Just sayin...

Me: Lol. Well FYI, I'm not just good in dreams. Just sayin...

TGG: So what are you saying, Peyton? I'm listening.

Me: Well...I thought I was being pretty clear. Heh.

TGG: I'll keep that in mind. I'm just chilling at my place by the way.

Me: Oh really? Same here.

TGG: Feeling froggy? Why don't you jump on over here?

Me: While that is rather tempting, I am covered in paint and in desperate need of a shower. Lol. I had to repaint/clean my old apt today. So I'm going to request a raincheck. And I don't mean "i'mblowingyouoffandcallingitaraincheck", I mean an actual raincheck.

TGG: Ok cool stuff. I'll take a raincheck. On that note, though, I must depart and call it a night. We'll chat soon though.

Me: Very well then. Hopefully I'll make another appearance in your dreams. ;)

That concluded our conversation. And reading it back, I almost feel ashamed at my tipsy, randy self, but oh well! It was fun!

And who knows what may happen. A rebound may commence...

Although, unfortunately, I do have to give you all a Brandon update.

Saturday night, I was in a really good mood at work again, because Todd played really good in his game, and I got to watch most of it.

Anyways, Brandon got to work 2 hours after me, and I ignored him, as usual. But around last call, the lights came on, and I was closing out a tab, and he walks up right night to me at the computer.

"So you're not gonna talk to me tonight either?" He asked.

"Nope." I said, as I swiped the credit card.

"Why not?"

"Because I have nothing to say to you." The stupid credit card wouldn't go through!

"Well I just want to talk to you about-"

"I don't care. I'm not going to waste any more time, effort, or words on you, Brandon. Just leave me alone." I grabbed the check presenter and made for the other computer, since that one wasn't working anyway.

He followed me!

I don't know what he was saying, because I wasn't listening, but he was hissing in my ear, stuff about our relationship, that he wanted to talk about.

I physically pushed him away from me.

"Leave me alone! If you wanna go fuck other girls, that's your business, but I don't want to hear about it." I walked off again. By this time, I was starting to get upset. He was still following me.

When I got to the other end of the bar, I asked Mark to please tell Brandon that I now was not the time or place to talk to me.

Mark looked up from what he was doing, glanced over at Brandon, and nodded.

But Brandon still persisted!

"It's not about other girls!" He said.

My eyes were flooding with tears, and my face was hot with anger.

I just can't deal with this. Especially not now, I thought.

Magically, Mr. S. appeared at the end of the bar. I hurried over to him.

"Could you please tell Brandon to leave me alone. I can't deal with this right now." I pleaded to him, tears starting to spill over.

He looked sympathetic.

"Come over here. You can go to the back bar. We'll send Sierra up front." He said.

I had to walk back past Brandon to leave the bar. I was so upset at him for doing this to me, now at work, and for almost making me cry, in front of everyone! I shoved him as hard as I could up against the beer cooler.

"You're a piece of shit!" I yelled over the loud music as I stormed off.

The rest of the night went by without incident.

I still don't understand why he's doing this to me.

I just want to move on!

Maybe The Good Guy will be a nice distraction, or even a rebound.

I'm getting a bikini wax Wednesday. ((Sigh))

Perhaps I'll give him a call...

Saturday, August 22, 2009


When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.

Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.

((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.

I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.

Friday, August 21, 2009

It All Comes To This?


((Sigh)) I woke up too early this morning, feeling like complete shit. I was up all night crying last night. And just when I thought I was getting better...
But I figured, since I was up, I better call my mom and ask her about the weed.

"You took something from my apartment last night." I stated.
"What are you talking about?"
Great, so she's playing that whole 'I'm Gonna Make You Say It' game.
"A jar of weed. From the drawer in my coffee table. What did you do with it?"
"What!? What are you talking about?! I didn't take anything out of any drawer! And why do you have weed at your apartment?!?"
"Chill out, Mom! I was holding it for somebody in exchange for helping me move, and now I have nothing to offer him."
"Wait a minute, so you're telling me, you have drugs in your apartment, and you can't even find them!"
"It wasn't mine! Someone left it at my apartment, I realized this, and then offered it to someone who would want it, instead of paying him for helping me move."
"Well, I didn't take anything."
"Ok, I'm sorry, I must've...done something with it."
"Alright, can I go back to my lunch now?"

When I got off the phone with my mom, I laid there for a minute thinking.
Then it hit me.

"Mother fucker!" I yelled aloud.
He took it.
He used his key, broke into my apartment, and stole his weed back!
That fucking bastard!!!! And now he has the audacity to ask me for his glasses?!

I immediately called Greg.
"Dude...Brandon broke into my apartment and took his weed."
"No way..."
"Yes! After I call my mom, asking her about my missing weed!" I sighed, "You said you saw him with that jar, right?" (The weed was in a strawberry preserves jar.)
"Yea, like...a couple nights ago."
"I can't believe he would fucking do that! What a DUMB ASS! I have half a mind to call him right now, I'm so pissed. He is so not getting his shit back."
"Don't call him, just calm down."

I took a deep breath. Greg had to get off the phone, cuz he was actually in the shower. But I still can't believe his sorry, pathetic ass came into my apartment, without telling me, without my permission. How shady is that?! If someone would have told me, 2 weeks ago, that this was going to happen, I wouldn't have believed them. I never would have believed that he would be capable of something like this. I guess it takes him treating me like crap, and then dumping me on my ass and breaking into my apartment, before I get to know the true Brandon.

I'm going to demand that he give me my key back. Tonight.

My Mom Stole My Weed (Thursday Night: Part II)

Tonight after work, Brandon walked up to the bar and said, "Hey."
I ignored him. Surely, he couldn't be talking to me.
"Hey, Peyton."
I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Could you bring my glasses tomorrow?"
"Can I bring your glasses." I made it a statement.
"Yea...it's just a question..."
I didn't stop what I was doing, so as not to give him my full attention, and mostly, because I can't bear to look him in the eye.
"Yea, I have a whole bag of your shit, it's just at my place."
"So...should I wait?"
"Wait for what?"
"Well you said you had a bunch of my stuff..."
"Yea, at home. I'll bring it tomorrow." I walked off.
"There's no need for you to be hostile." He said.
"Look, Brandon, I just...don't wanna talk to you ok?"
"Why? I don't understand why you're mad at me?"
"You don't understand??" I sighed in frustrated exasperation. "Just...leave me alone, there is no reason for us to continue this conversation, and I have nothing else to say to you. I'll bring your shit tomorrow." I slammed the check presenter shut that I was wiping.
He finally walked off.

I can't believe he thinks I'm just gonna be nice to him, after all the hurtful things he said to me. What, like I'm just supposed to act like it never happened, and everything is hunkydorey!?!?
After he left, Greg asked me what Brandon had asked for. I replayed the conversation for him.
"Do you think I was being too...hostile?"
"No, baby! Not at all, he said some really mean things to you, and there's no reason for you to not feel that way. Let him deal with it." Greg reassured me.

As soon as we finished counting tips, Greg's phone started ringing, he held it out to show me that it was Brandon calling. They chatted for a minute, Greg glanced my way a few times, then they hung up.
"He wants you to call him. He says you guys need to talk."
"ME?? No way! I am not calling him. Why does he suddenly want to talk??"
"I dunno, he said he's been blowing up your phone or something."
I checked my phone, no missed called, but 3 new texts.

1) We need to talk
2) Is this how you handle things? I know you have a least a little care for me. I don't like doing this. Will you call me please when you get off.
3) I don't want to argue with you. I just want to make simple peace with you. You can't avoid me. I work with you Peyton. It's just going to get worse if you keep building this hate for me.

Now, before you all go taking his side, let me just point out a few things.

1) Exactly a week ago, I wanted to talk. Before we broke up, before any of this shit went down, I sent him a very similar text, asking him to call me when he got off, or stop by, because I really wanted to talk to him. He didn't even do me the courtesy of responding. Why does he suddenly care?? Why is talking so important now that we're broken up, but it didn't matter when we were together?!? WTF?!???
2) I am so hurt right now, everything he said to me... And all signs are pointing to he wants to fuck some other girl(s)...so yes. This is how I'm handling it. I'm channeling my hurt, into anger. Towards him. Because if I can't get him out of my sight, I can't get him out of my mind. And the more I think about it, the more it hurts, and the harder it is for me to move on.
3) Peace? PEACE?!?!?! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART, YOU BASTARD! I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR FUCKING BEST BUDDY! AND IT SURE IS HELL ISN'T MY JOB TO MAKE LIFE MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU! The only reason he even suddenly cares is because work is becoming hard, inconvenient. It's always about him! And you know what??? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! Grow a pair of balls, and deal with it yourself you fucking pussy, because I'm not going to help you make your life easier any more. I'm done. Done wasting my words, my time, my effort, and my emotions on you, if I can help it. So, no. We will not make "simple peace" just so you can go to work, and slap a smile on your face, and pretend everything is fine when IT'S NOT.

I'm fine at work. I can do my job without talking to him or acting like we're friends. It's not my problem if he can't.

Greg followed me home to pick up some weed I owe him for agreeing to help me move this weekend. When we got to my place, the weed was gone. My mom, did something with it! Ughhhh... She was helping me pack today, and I left before her, so she must've found it. Just fucking great. I'm definitely going to have to have an interesting phone conversation with my mom tomorrow. Ughh... And now I have nothing to offer Greg as payment for helping me. But he's a sweetheart so he said he'll still help. He ended up hanging out for about an hour and talking with me about the Brandon situation. Apparently they talked on the phone the whole way to my place. Brandon said he really wants to talk to me and "work things out". But I told Greg how I feel. That is, everything I wrote above. And he said he completely understands, and that everything I said is justifiable. Apparently, Brandon doesn't think he said anything mean to me. He said something like,
"What, I didn't cheat on her or do anything bad! I've had my heart broken way worse by girls who have cheated on me blabla..."
Of course, but this isn't about him, or his feelings. It's about me and my feelings. You can't compare his past breakups to this one! I told all this to Greg, and he agreed.
He still thinks we should talk though. But I told him, the bottom line is, there's nothing Brandon can say, no answers he can give me, whether truthful or not, that will make me feel better. I'd rather just...not talk to him at all. Anything he says, is only gonna make the pain cut deeper, and last longer. I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
And again, the only reason he even cares, is because something in his life that was once easy, is now complicated. He's not worried about me! He's not concerned about my well being! He's worried about himself. Fuck him. Fuck his self-interests.
I gave him everything. Everything I had. Everything I would have wanted, and more. And he just said...no.
I don't want it.
It's not good enough.
You're not pretty enough.
And he threw it all back in my face. That is how I feel. And I just...cannot reconcile with someone who makes me feel that way.
It's the worst feeling. To give everything you have, and it not be enough. To love, with abandon, so wholly, so completely, despite everything, and...just be...cast aside.

As for the other things, i.e. taking a class, focusing on my career. I'm 3 steps ahead of you guys. I've updated my resume, and sent it out to a few people I know in the industry I wanna work in. And I've started taking piano lessons again. So...I'm doing everything I can so keep myself together. Piano is a really good outlet for my emotions. And I'm just hoping, so hard, that I'll find a job, and soon, and that I can get the hell out of the bar, and away from Brandon for good.

Best Dinner Ever!! (Thursday Night: Part I)

OMG OMG OMG!!! So Todd is in town for the weekend. And he called me a couple days ago to tell me he was gonna be here, and see if I wanted to go have dinner and catch up. And of course I agreed. So we made plans for Thursday and he said he'd call me after his practice.
So today, he called me, and I was getting ready for work. I figured we'd go someplace lowkey, and I'd just head straight to work from there.
Well, then he informs me that it's his night to take the vets out. They have this tradition where the rookie has to buy the team dinner. So he asked if I wanted to come. And of course I said, "DUH!!"
So I changed my clothes, sexy jeans, heels and a somewhat casual top to dress it down. Fixed my hair and makeup, got all my work stuff together, and went to meet him at his hotel. We arrived at the restaurant at the same time as the rest of his team. And I was the only girl!!! It was just me and like 15 professional football players!!!
And I had so much fun! I got to meet his whole team, and shoot the shit with them and stuff. Todd gave me the lowdown on all the players, you know, what position they play, how long they've been in the NFL, etc... And of course, Todd and I got to catch up, which was nice. And damn are they a good looking bunch of guys! It's too bad most of them are married.
But it was a much needed picker-upper. After the shitty week I had, man...I was in the best mood ever! I did have to leave straight from there to work, but when I got to work, I was so elated! Nothing could get me down. Todd even said they might stop by my work for a drink afterwards! So when I got to the door, I noticed Brandon, one of the waitresses and Gavin at the door.
"Gavin! If a large group of extremely tall guys comes to the door, don't hassle them about what they're wearing! They're pro football players! And I just got back from dinner with them!"
"Whoa how'd you manage that?" Liza asked.
"One of my best friends is starting for the team this season, and I was the only chick, at a huge table full of hot football guys!"
"High five!" She said.
Brandon didn't look so enthused.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Getting Fed Up

Today I had to do a photoshoot up at work, for a promotion they're doing for private football parties. Cameryn had posted a bulletin in the back telling anyone who was interested to show up at 4 in their favorite team's jersey.
So as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, the first thing I saw was Brandon's car.
You've got to be fucking kidding me! I thought, What is he doing here???
So I went inside and started setting up my equipment, and I immediately texted Cameryn.
"I don't mean to be annoying, but could you please send Brandon home, cuz I just can't stand the sight of him right now"
About 10 minutes later, Cameryn came out of the office.
"What happened??" She asked.
"Oh, you didn't hear?"
"....No..." She said.
"Well, Brandon broke up with my on Friday because he said he's not physically attracted to me...he's coming. I'll tell you about it later."
"I'm sorry!" She mouthed silently.
The next 2 and a half hours were absolutely miserable. I mean...I can't stand to look at him, let alone take pictures of him! Ugh...
He even had the gall to come up to me and say, "What's up Peyton?"
I did not respond, look at him, or acknowledge him at all, whatsoever.

After the shoot, Cameryn asked me what the story was her. I told her everything as I packed up my things.
She asked if I'd talked to any of our mutual friends, and if anyone had any insight.
"No, I mean it's not like this is the first time he's done this. It's always about him."
"If it had been me, I probably would have laughed in his face." Cameryn said.
"Yea, well...I wish I could have done that."
"Well...he cant just not be attracted to you, or he wouldn't have wasted his time with you in the first place." She said.
"That's what I thought, but apparently he's a really good faker."
I finished packing up my things and left immediately afterwards.
I still can't believe he had the audacity to show up to my shoot. Knowing I was gonna be taking those pictures! Is he trying to torture me?!? I mean wtf?!
Melissa's birthday is Labor Day Weekend. I'm taking a much needed trip to Austin.


Ok, I didn't mention this before, because it slipped my mind, what with everything else I've been thinking about lately. But, The Psycho has been bothering me on Facebook. I don't know why, I mean, I did not provoke him, at all, whatsoever. In fact, I had totally forgotten he and I were even friends on FB. But anyways, the day before yesterday, he commented on my status, "Fuck you."
First, I was annoyed, but then I thought, maybe he's just joking??
So I commented back on his status, "Fuck you too."
Then today, my status said, "It's not getting any easier."
And he wrote, "Good. You bitch."

WTF is his problem!??? I flew into a rage when I read that. I so don't need this right now. He is so....spiteful! Pissed off that I dumped his sorry ass because he was violent and mean and controlling. This was over 2 years ago! Get over it already!! Ugh...
So anyways, in my anger, I did something really stupid. I posted something on his FB wall. And...even though it was stupid, I don't regret it. Although, in retrospect it was probably a really bad idea. This is what I wrote:
"What the fuck is your problem?!?? I broke up with your stupid, violent, pathetic, uneducated ass because YOU TREATED ME LIKE SHIT!!! So get the fuck over it, and stay out of my life. I want NOTHING to do with you. EVER.

After I wrote that on his wall, I noticed his status. He's coming home. From overseas. Next month. And honestly...now I'm kind of scared. I mean, he doesn't know where I live. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't know where I work, although his friends do, so he could easily find out. ((Sigh)) I just...
Why does this have to happen to me now??? When I'm alone! I wish Brandon was here.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Strange Surprises

So there's this guy, Ray, that I went to high school with. I never knew him in high school, but he and Melissa are friends. So a while back, he Facebooked me, and I accepted him. Ever since I accepted his friend request, I've noticed that he frequently comments on my status, notes, etc. Especially when things were not going so well with Brandon and I. He's always telling me he's "there for me if I need anything", and all this other kinda stuff.
And I mentioned it to Melissa, and she just said that he's a super nice guy, not a creeper or anything.

Well today, my FB status said, "I give up." I left my computer idle for a while, and when I went back to it, I noticed I had a new message from Ray. It said,
"I really hope things get better for you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you check your email."

So I checked my email...
He sent me a $75 gift card to Massage Envy!
I was so shocked. I mean...this guy is practically a stranger. We've never actually officially met! And he's spending $75 on me!?!?
I thanked him profusely, and told him that he really didn't have to do that. He said,
"I know, but it's not about what I have to do. It's just what I wanted to do."
Then he went on to tell me that he just feels fortunate in life, and he likes to...make other people feel good, or something like that. I dunno what to make of this guy. I immediately texted Melissa and asked her if she knew he was planning on doing that. She admitted that she did know, and that she was the one who gave him my email address.
"He loves you!" She said.
Me: WHY??? We've never even officially MET!
Melissa: Idk. Hahaha just take it and run. Honestly, you deserve to be pampered.
Me: What??? That's crazy! I mean, I thanked him and everything, but I almost feel guilty.
Melissa: Don't. You deserve it! He's so nice.
Me: Well...I don't get it. I mean we're practically strangers and he's buying me things.
Melissa: So! He's an admirer :) There's nothing wrong with that.

((Sigh)) I ended up chatting with him online for about an hour, just about all kinds of things. He was telling about how he went out wakeboarding this weekend, and that I should come along next time. And then we started talking about horses, and of course his family has loads of those too, and he said if I ever wanted to come and ride, I was welcome.
I dunno why I'm so skeptical, it's just...not normal for a guy to be so nice. Not to someone he hardly knows. I wish I was attracted to him! Maybe then I wouldn't think this was so weird, or feel guilty about taking his gifts. But, I guess I can't really say for sure if I'm attracted to him or not, since I can't really remember what he looks like, and I'm only judging from the 4 photos he has up on his profile. Maybe he's better looking in person?
I dunno, either way. He's really sweet for doing that for me, but even if he is Prince Charming, there's no way I'm getting involved with anyone for a long time.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Sunday... ((Sigh))

It's Sunday. Normally I would be out with Bethany and/or Misty, and some other coworkers, eating and drinking the night away. Last week, Brandon and I went out to dinner and a movie.
Today, I'm sitting in my living room, in the dark, watching CSI reruns. I've had a headache for 3 days now. It never goes away.

I've noticed that everyone seems keen on me going for Law School. But let's get something straight. He's a great guy and all, and I'm not denying that I've thought about it before but...
1) I'm SO not ready to even start thinking about other guys.
2) Law School and I are just friends. And I'm pretty sure I want it to stay that way.

I just don't....find myself being sexually attracted to him, or thinking of him as anything but a friend. I have missed him though, since the breakup. He's out of town for 2 weeks, visiting family. I could sure use his advice and optimism right about now.

Melissa texts me every day to see how I'm doing. I know she's just trying to help, but she just makes me feel worse. She keeps saying things like, "I saw how he was flirting with those girls at the bar, you're better off!"
I mean, why would I wanna know that anyone, other than myself, had noticed Brandon flirting with girls at work?
Maybe she's just trying to make me hate him, I dunno. I wish I could hate him.
I wish I could eat. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could get rid of this headache...


((Sigh)) I'm still miserable. I'm trying not to be. Aderall helps. And so does work, at least when he's not around, which is rarely. But I can't eat anything, and I can't sleep. I stayed up till 7:30am this morning. And now it's almost 6am...
I just know as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll start to cry again.
And tonight after work, I couldn't stop wishing he was here, because some creepy guy from my complex was bothering me. I was taking Jaspy out for a pee, at FOUR in the morning, and this guy just walks up to me, and stands right next to me, not really saying anything, just standing there! Jasper was barking at him, and the man got scared and backed off. Good old Jaspy! :) But when Jasper ran off to find some privacy, the man moved closer again.
But still, I was totally creeped out. And he's still out there, with one other guy. They were in the pool, just sitting in the chairs, drinking beer. But now, it's like they're right outside my door! I can still hear them.
I can't help but wish that Brandon was here. Then I'd feel completely safe. ((Sigh))
I just can't believe he could just...discard me that way. Without a second thought, or a backward glance. It hurts so bad.
Last night, I wrote a poem. I couldn't stop crying, so obviously, I couldn't sleep, and all these thoughts were just flying through my head, about our relationship, and how betrayed I feel, and just...everything. I couldn't make them stop. So I just...wrote them down.
And when I finished the poem, it was like I'd released something, you know? And I finally went to sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I read the poem, and I thought... I want him to read this. I just...want him to have it. Even though it may be inconsequential to him, I just...need him to have this. Sort of like a closure type thing. I mean, I wrote for him, about him. And I figure, maybe someday, he'll look back, and he'll read it, and realize his mistakes. Whether or not that will work in my favor doesn't matter.
So I rewrote it, all nice, without all the scratchings, and I folded it up with a notecard that said,

I just...wanted you to have this.



Here is the poem. And nobody better plagiarize!!! Cuz I put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into it.

You took a sudden hold of me
When I close my eyes, you're all I see
I breathe you in, you breathe me out
Will I never know what Love's about?

You disarmed me with your boyish grin
How easy I was taken in
But had I know what was to come
I'd tell myself to just be numb

What started innocent and true
A game of cat and mouse pursuit
A path unfurled, a light to follow
The ending twisted, dark, and hollow

A heart that beats, a heart that bleeds
A heart that wants, a heart that needs
An empty shell cannot receive
With empty words I was deceived

The time, the thought, the Love I gave
All for naught, lie in my grave
Because you took it all for granted
How'd you become so disenchanted?

I wanted you, I wanted me
But what I saw, you couldn't see
Blind with fear and self preserving
You pulled away, with force unswerving

You used me up, threw me away
And now I'm supposed to be okay
When everything I Love is lost
And I'm the one to pay the cost

They say that when you lose, you learn
To appreciate what you have burned
And now it's over, dead and gone
I've given up, I have withdrawn

I hope that this is what you wanted
I'm empty too; cast out, unwanted
How can you look at me and say
I loved you then, but not today?

I've decided to call it, Not Today.
So when I got to work, there he was, standing at the door. I dropped the envelope on the table in front of him, without saying a word, and walked inside. I peeked at him reading it through the window. When he finished, he folded it all back up, put it back inside the envelope, and put it in his back pocket. I hope he doesn't throw it away.
And I'm glad that he read it, because he must know, how raw I am; how exposed; how vulnerable. How he made me that way. As much as I appear to be strong, and mad, and indifferent on the outside, that poem is really how I feel.
And now he knows.
I have nothing left to say to him.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


I finally gave up on trying to get hold of Brandon yesterday, so I emailed him. I put down in writing, everything I needed to say, so that I wouldn't forget any of it. This is what it said,
There's only so much I can take. I feel like I've completely let my guard down for you, totally opened my heart, and I've tried and tried to make you happy, and it's never enough. You never respond! I mean, what about MY happiness?? You're not being fair to me. Not calling me for 3 whole days?? I mean, I don't expect a lot from you, I really don't. But you give me nothing. You won't call me, you won't go anywhere with me, not even to a wedding.. You just let me sit here, and wonder why I'm not good enough, what I'm doing wrong. I overanalyze everything I do. I change everything about the way I act around you, because you don't like it. I see all these girls that you've been with, and they're all beautiful.. Am I not pretty enough? Why don't you ever want to have sex with me? Why don't you ever initiate ANY kind of physical contact with me??
I constantly feel insecure about our relationship, and the way you feel about me, because you never TELL me. You never SHOW me. You don't call, you don't miss me, you don't even like touching me. This completely breaks my heart, do you realize that?? Something isn't adding up. I want to know, point blank what you feel. I'm not asking for a proposal, this has NOTHING to do with the future, so don't even bring that up. It has to do with RIGHT NOW. The way you're treating me RIGHT NOW TODAY. If you don't want to be with me, then you need to tell me. Am I wasting my time loving you?? Quit stringing me along if you don't want me. And if you DO want me, start acting like it. Stop making me worry, stop making me cry. Just stop what you're doing, for like 5 seconds and think about me!! About MY feelings!!
How would you feel if I never wanted to do anything you were interested in? If I resented that you played golf? I have been so supportive and understanding, of your golf, your stupid illegal activities, your busy schedule, EVERYTHING! So why do you keep shitting on my feelings? It's not fair Brandon. It's not okay for me to put in 90% effort, and you to put in 10%.
You're hurting me. And just because I wrote you a "novel" that's no excuse for you to avoid me. I had something to say, and I needed to say it now, and of course, you wouldn't answer the phone, so I emailed you instead. We HAVE to talk about this. So PLEASE, call me.

((Sigh)) I hesistantly hit the sent button, because I knew that 1 of 2 things would probably happen.
1) He would freak out and then avoid me, which would inevitably lead to him breaking up with me, because he can't deal, or
2) He would feel guilty, realize what an ass he's been and try to work things out.

Number 2 was definitely wishful thinking on my part. He did try calling me while I was at work, but I couldn't answer. So I called him back when I got off, and he didn't answer. So I sent him a text, asking if he could stop by when he got off work so that we could talk. No response, and he didn't come over.
So today, I sent him a text, telling him he was being ridiculous, because he was gonna see me at work, and to please call me.
An hour before my shift, he finally called.

"I just can't do this anymore. It's not working." He said.
I sighed, "Is that you're reaction to every conflict? To just run away?"
"I'm not running away."
"Yes you are! You always do this, everytime I bring this stuff up."
"Well, I don't understand what the problem is, I didn't do anything."
"That is the problem. You don't do anything! You let me do all the work, Brandon! I mean I kinda thought that after 2 days of not talking, you might call your girlfriend and see what's up."
"Look, it's just not working. It was never working."
"What do you mean it was never working???"
"Well, I mean it was, maybe for you, but not for me."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean??"
"I'm just not...physically attracted to you."
"So it's true then. I'm not pretty enough!?"
"That's not what I said. You are attractive, I'm just not attracted to you. Or to anyone. It's just me. It's all me, not you."
"Oh good one. It's not you it's me? And you're just...suddenly not attracted to me?? Since when!? You must have been attracted to me at some point!"
"Look, it was just never real for me."
"Never real??? WHAT was never real? What is that supposed to mean? So you lied to me then?"
"I didn't lie to you."
"Apparently you were lying when you said you loved me, because if you really ever loved me, you wouldn't be telling me all this bullshit! Do you even know what the word love means?!"
"No! I don't! That's why it was never the same for me! Why do think I always laughed when you said it to me?"
"Then why did you say it!?!?! I didn't want you to say it unless you meant it! I can't believe you're saying this. I can't believe you're doing this. I can't believe you're sitting here giving me all these bullshit excuses for why you've wasted the last 10 months of my life!"
Tears were streaming down my face by this point.
"Well what did you want me to do, stay with you until I cheated on you??"
"NO! I want you to be fucking honest with me! If you were feeling this way, I wish you would have told me as soon as you felt it, not a couple months later!"
"So you're breaking up with me, because you're not attracted to me, and it was never real for you. So everything about our relationship has been a complete lie?!?"
"No, and I didn't say you weren't pretty enough! It's just...we're too different. We don't have...chemistry. I thought I would just give it a chance, and wait it out, but it's not working."
"You know what, there's really no point in continuing this conversation. I have nothing else to say to you. Just...leave me alone."
And I hung up the phone.
Keep in mind, this is a revised version of our conversation, which I obviously can't remember word for word. And I'm probably subconsciously blocking some parts out.
I broke down in hysterics immediately afterward, racked my brains for a good enough excuse to call into work, and then I took a deep breath.
I can't call into work. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.
I inhaled another ragged breath, and sat down at my mirror. I squirted practically an entire bottle of Visine in my eyes, and put anti-puff cream on. I wasn't going to show up to work looking like I'd been balling my eyes out. And I made sure I looked damn good.
When I got to work, I told everyone what happened. What's the point in pretending? I mean, I want everyone to know what he said to me. What his stupid, bullshit reasons were. I want everyone at work to know how much he fucked me over. I knew it would make him uncomfortable, with everyone knowing. And I wanted him to be the jackass, not me.
((Sigh)) My shift was long, and miserable. I had to work behind the same bar with him, and I even had to watch him flirt with girls.
You know, he actually told me he wanted to see other people. If I find out he already met someone, or he starts dating some girl in the near future, I'm going to flip my shit.

I can't believe that kiss I gave him when I left for my piano lesson is the last kiss we'll ever have. I can't believe its over. I feel like I'm just a complete failure! I've never been broken up with so badly. And I can't even believe how mean he was. He's not physically attracted to me?? It wasn't real??
Then what was it?
And if it wasn't real, why am I so broken hearted?
Why am I always the one who gets shit on?

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Frustrated and Confused

I decided to just...stop trying. Just for a day or 2. See what happens. So...yesterday, I didn't call him. All day. He sent me a text at 4:40 that said, "Hey what's up!"
I didn't respond. I was holding my ground.
All day. He never called.
Today, I did the same thing.
At 5 o'clock, he sent me a text, same as yesterday, "Hey what's up!"
I waited 20 minutes, and then I figured I better respond, or he'll think I'm mad at him.
So I just said, "Hey."
"What are you doing?"
I waited another 20 minutes.
"Just got out of the shower."
And he never wrote me back! And he never called!
((Sigh)) I'm so stressed out, about work, and money, and everything right now, and I could really use a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and he's not even there! And he doesn't even seem to notice, let alone care that we haven't seen or spoken to each other AT ALL in 2 days.
I don't like this. I don't like it at all.
You wanna know who was there for me, who listened, who responded right away to my text??
Law School.
He's been more of a boyfriend lately than Brandon!
It's just not fair. I'm in love with a guy who's been holding out on me because he's afraid to verbally affirm his feelings? Because he believes emotions are sign of weakness? Because he's too lazy to put the effort into our relationship? Because he takes me for granted? Because he's so absorbed in golf, that he doesn't have two shits to spare for me??
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I Want I Want!!

Annnnd yet another one of my friends has gotten married. My good friend Dan from college. He was always that dorky, irresponsible, perpetually single guy that you never thought would end up married.
On Sunday.
I am happy for him, I mean, as goofy as he was back then, he's a good guy. I just...can't help but wonder if I'll ever get married, and how long I'm gonna have to wait around. ((Sigh))
I mean I love Brandon, and he's the best boyfriend I've had yet, but I know he's not thinking about marriage. And I don't think he will anytime soon.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm sitting around, pining, and planning my dream wedding in my head or anything. Just every once in a while, I see someone's wedding photos, or you know, another one of my married friends pops out a baby, and I just wonder if my life will ever get past this...plateau.
Did I mention that Izzie had her baby?? I really need to get up to Austin and see them!
Anyways, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I'm at a point in my life where this transitional phase needs to end, but I don't know how to make the next step forward. I think I know which direction I wanna go it, but how??? Practically nobody's hiring right now!
And every time I do a job search, if I manage to find an open position, the description is filled with all this...technical jargon that I can hardly understand! How am I supposed to know if I'm qualified if I can't even understand what the job position is??? ((SIGH!)) It's so frustrating.
I want to move on with my life. I'm tired of being a college graduate with nothing to show for it. I'm tired of bartending. I'm tired of living in an apartment, with no savings, and living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of living this...bachelor's lifestyle. I'm not even a bachelor!!
I'm a smart girl, I have a degree from a great university, I'm attractive, and outgoing, and I want a real job, and I want to get married before I turn 30!!!
Are any of my readers in their 30's? Have any of you been where I am, felt the way I'm feeling, and gotten through this?? Does anybody have some sound advice for me?? Cuz I could really use it.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Changes In The Wind

The weirdest/funniest thing I've seen in a long time happened at work the other night. It was closing time, I'm entering tips into the computer, and there are these four British guys standing at the bar, waiting to close their tabs. They're all in good spirits, laughing and joking, yelling out British exclamations like, "Bloody hell!" and "Bollucks!" Lol.

Then, before I realized what he was doing, one of the guys unzips his fly, pulls out his package, and carefully places his testicles on the bar! It was pretty hilarious, and gross at the same time. But definitely the strangest thing I've seen in the bar to-date. The managers weren't too pleased about it, if you can imagine.

((Sigh)) But anyways, I've been really stressed out lately about bills. It's been slow at the bar, and I haven't been getting as many shifts as usual. Actually, nobody's been getting as many shifts as usual. They've been giving a lot of our closing weekday shifts to the managers, which, in turn, is screwing us over. I have no idea why. And I'm moving in 2 weeks, so I've got extra bills to pay this month, and I'm already behind. UGh... I dunno what I'm gonna do!!
And every time I get stressed out like this, (last time it was about my mom), it starts to bleed into my relationship with Brandon. And I get tense, and over analyze things, and I ask him tons of stupid questions, and I end up pushing him away. It hasn't gotten to that point yet, but I'm afraid it will. Lately, I just feel like we have too many rules! He's not a very touchy-feely person, so I'm not allowed to touch him so much. And I just really like to touch him! His skin is so soft, and his muscles are so hard, and I just love running my hands all over his chest...ahhhh... But every time I have the urge to reach out to him, caress him, squeeze him, play with him, I have to resist, because I know he gets annoyed by it. And ever since I've read The Five Love Languages, I've been hyper-aware of those things. Because he doesn't respond to physical touch the way I do. ((Sigh)) I gave him that book to read in the middle of last month, and he's only just started to really read it. And I feel like we're never gonna get anywhere communication-wise, until he finishes it! He hates reading. He says it always makes him fall asleep. Oh bother.

More bad news, Bethany is quitting our bar. I'm so sad! But she feels like she's been screwed by the man, and she's not making enough money, and they don't appreciate her. I can understand where she's coming from I guess, but I think she takes a lot of things too personally. But either way, she's already found herself another job and she's putting in her 2 weeks on Monday. I'm just afraid that she's gonna start working at this new bar, and make all these new friends and hang out with them all the time, like we do at our bar, and then there goes my best friend! She promised me that wouldn't happen, and she reminded me that we hang out outside of work all the time, and we'll just have to make more of an effort to hang out once she's gone. But it's really gonna suck. Work just won't be the same without her, ya know? She's the funnest (yes, I consider that a word) bartender to work with!

She suggested that I come with her, but I declined. I'm not trying to stay in this industry, I'm trying to get out! I really need to find myself an actual job, I just...don't know how. I sent my resume to my aunt, who sent it to her friend in the pharmaceutical industry, so she could critique it. Apparently the woman wrote all over it, so now my aunt is sending it back to me snail mail. I just hope it gets here soon. I'd like to have a new job by Christmas!

Ok, enough about how my life is currently sucking. Sophie and Brent just got back from their Europe excursion. They're looking for apartments in Chicago, and are planning on moving early next month. So, Chicago, here I come!! I'm thinking I'll pay them a visit in October or November. That way, they're settled in and everything. But with all the holidays coming up, who knows. I might not make it to Chicago till January.

Jenna's in town for the night, so I'm meeting her and a friend for dinner around 7. I never see her anymore, and I miss her! About 6 months ago, she moved in with her boyfriend. In another city! And she rarely makes it down to Houston anymore. So tonight should be fun. Except that I have to go straight to work after that. Oh well. I'll have a couple cocktails and then hopefully I'll be in a good mood before I get to work. ((Sigh))