Changes Are Afoot

Ughh I know I've been so bad at this. It's hard to find motivation to write, when everything seems so stagnant, and/or depressing.
I've been struggling financially and also with trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I love doing photography, but I'm not making enough money. My mom keeps trying to get me to take up bartending again, but I just can't. It would feel like a big step backwards, even if it would help me out financially. And the fact that I'm paying exorbitant amounts of money on my student loans every month, loans towards an education in photography, which I'm proud to say I'm actually pursuing, it would just seem like a total waste to pay back that money with earnings from a BARTENDING job. Ugh... I know everyone struggles with identity crises and financial issues, and everyone does things they don't like or don't want to do to survive. But how do you know what's worth it??
I've applied for personal assistant jobs, art gallery jobs, other kinds of photography jobs... Nothing has come through yet, and I'm barely treading water. ((Sigh))

Anyway, the thing that led me here today, the reason I was actually inspired to write is because I do have some good news. I met someone. And he's different. I know, I know, they're all "different"...
But he is difference because he makes me laugh. He makes me laugh with the weird, silly things he does and says. He doesn't seem to care if I might think he's deranged, or a total freak, but I don't think those things, because the weird stuff he does and says makes me laugh! And I think to myself, Seems like something I would do. And he's confident, but not cocky. He makes a plans for our next date while we're on our current one. He kissed me on our second date, but it was a quick, almost chaste kiss. And it just continued to build from there. And I find myself thinking about him more and more, wanting to be with him more and more... But I'm trying very hard to resist my usual tendency to jump in with both feet. I don't wanna get ahead of myself. I spent the night at his place for the first time last night. And I didn't sleep with him. He definitely tried, but I kept redirecting his efforts until he finally asked why I was being so "squirrelly". Lol. I said because I didn't want to have to tell him that I wasn't going to sleep with him tonight. He asked why, not in a petulant way, but just in a curious way. And I said because I want to err on the side of caution, and he said he respects that. Things still got a bit hot and heavy after that, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it and wasn't seriously tempted to sleep with him anyway. ((Sigh)) He was just as rough as I like it, and the way he kissed me it was like he was devouring me, it was just so...sexy. Ah!!
This morning we woke up super early because his room is so bright. He got up and started making coffee, but I didn't stay. I felt terrible leaving Jasper home alone, and I knew I was going to need a nap. I never sleep well the first night in a new guy's bed. Especially when there wasn't even sex! So I basically spent this entire day in bed, intermittently eating donuts, and constantly thinking about Brett, wanting to text him, but not doing it. We did see each other several times this week, so a little distance is probably healthy for a day or 2. He has been pestering me about coming over to my place but... My mom and I decided to tear up the carpet in the living room last week (there are hardwood floors underneath) so it's a total disaster area! Plus, my sister is out of town, and I'm watching her cats, and Brett doesn't know I have 2 cats. He knows about one of them, and Jasper, but...lol. I'd rather just sorta ease him into the zoo that is my life. But really it's just too messy over here right now. And his place is SOOO neat it barely looks lived in. He's an architect and he built and decorated the whole place himself. I'm afraid he'll come over, see the state of chaos I live in and go running for the hills. ((Sigh)) All the more reason for me to want to get my shit together.
Ohhhh what to do, what to do...

Felix the Fuckwad

Well it's been slow going the last couple of weeks, but I have a few things to report...

Work stuff. There's been a lot more drama than usual going on at work, starting with Felix, my new LEAST favorite person at work. Ugh. But before I get to that, I have to tell you that the week after next, the staff is taking a trip to Wisconsin! Which I am really excited about, but before I get to that, I have to tell you what happened with Felix. I'll start from the beginning of that story...
So you all know I've been bartending for many years, and when I started working at my current bar, I agreed to take a couple serving shifts while the owner made some scheduling adjustments to get some bar shifts. Well it's been a little over a year, and I'm still only bartending once a week, which I am not happy about. And I'm getting frustrated about it too, because once school starts, I'm gonna have to give up my Thursday shift because of class. Which means I'll only be working 2 shifts a week, and I just don't think that's gonna cut it for me. So I've sort of been toying with the idea of looking for another job, possibly. But, that's just background info. So anyways, Felix is one of the bartenders, and he also makes the schedule, so he's technically a bartender/manager, even though all he does is make the schedule. He also happens to be one of the worst bartenders we have because A) he is the least experienced, B) he's slow C) he's not very good at multitasking and D) he gets easily flustered and frustrated when it gets busy. So instead of putting his head down and busting his ass, he freaks out and tends to snap at people. Ugh. Needless to say, it's hard to respect someone like that, even if he is in a position of superiority.
A couple weeks ago Felix sent out a email to all the staff asking for volunteers to work this event on a Sunday. I volunteered to bartend, and he responded telling me that the bartending slot had already been filled, but that he still needed servers if I was interested. Well I wasn't interested, so I didn't respond. I only volunteered to bartend because he said it was going to be a cash bar, whereas the servers would just be serving plates of food which was included in a flat rate tickets. Meaning, they probably wouldn't make any money.
So a week later, Felix writes me back again:

Hi Peyton,

I wanted to follow-up with you on this. Given your availability on this date, I will need to schedule you to serve as I am still in need of 2  servers. Should things change with the bartenders, you will be the first to move into that role. I expect this to be a lucrative shift for both servers and bartenders alike. Thank you for your understanding and I appreciate you being available.

-Felix


Are you fucking kidding me?! After a week, during which I've made plans, you're just TELLING me I have to work this stupid event! He didn't even ask! He just fucking scheduled me. The fucking bastard. <-- That was my initial reaction. But then I thought about it, and I was like, "You know what? I could get mad and tell him no, or I could just suck it up and work. I need the money anyway. So I wrote him back, "Ok, no problem." Ugh.

Then the following week, I was talking with some of my other coworkers about it, because no one else had volunteered to work! DUH because they all had the same thought that I had, which is that the servers weren't going to make any money. So I decided to write Felix another email. And before I sent it, I had one of the other servers read it, just to make sure it was ok to send. This is what it said:

Hey Felix,

Quick question: Are the servers going to be tipped out for this event?? Because in my experience, usually when there's a flat rate people don't really tip and I don't wanna come in and just work for free, ya know? So I'm just curious why you think its going to be a lucrative shift. I don't mean to sound bitchy, but at the end of the day, that's kinda what counts. And I know a couple other servers who are hesitant to volunteer for this reason. So just wondering what the deal is.

Thanks,

Peyton

Keep in mind that I was writing this to a fellow bartender and peer... Well several days go by and he never bothers responding, and the other girls are asking me what the deal is, etc. And I'm like, "I don't know, he never responded."
Then finally, last Thursday I got this email, FROM MY BOSS, Caleb (the owner):

I've been in discussion with Felix regarding your concerns about serving for the event on Sun July 22nd.  To be frank, I don't think you're being bitchy with the concerns about tip money, but I do think that you are being contradictory, ignorant, and short sighted with that thought process. 

Contradictory in that you shared with me on Tuesday that you are broke, so I imagine any money is better than none at all. 

Ignorant in that if I selfishly made every decision at [bar] strictly on finances and profitability, as seems to be your main concern about 7/22, that the workplace you are currently employed in would be far less desirable than it is, while most certainly more profitable for me.

Short sighted in that just days ago I sent an email regarding an employee trip and how [bar] functions as a whole.  Please let me know of the last bar that you worked at that closed for 3 days for an employee trip.  Even with the generosity of Ronnie's parents to let us use their cabin, it will be quite an expense that I'd like to think is going to be appreciated and rewarding.

Safe to say that I was surprised, hurt, and disturbed by your concerns.  Even more so when you had alluded to other servers sharing this same concern, leading me to think that I am ignorant to a budding problem at [bar]. I consider myself to be an approachable owner & manager, and would hope that if you had any legitimate concerns, financial or otherwise, that you would speak to me about them before passing a blanket judgement.

To directly answer your question about the event, I will be sure that all workers leave with an appropriate amount of money for their services on 7/22, including adding money collected from ticket sales to whatever individual tips are left by customers.  Due to a lack of ticket sales, and a disappointing lack of support from the neighborhood association who benefit most by our hosting this event, the event may be cancelled.  If the event is confirmed for 7/22, I would expect and appreciate your help that night.

Lastly, please do not be angry with Felix sharing your email with me.  As a manager, it is his job to do so.

I'll be in Sat with my family, but would rather not discuss this at that time.  If you want to discuss on the phone before I return to work on Thus 7/19, let me know and I'll arrange it.


Needless to say I was totally shocked to receive that, and the more I thought about it, the more angry I became. First of all, I think Caleb's response was a complete overreaction, and way out of line, and just plain MEAN. Secondly, I think Felix is a little BITCH! Fucking whining to Caleb, practically hiding behind his mummy's skirts because he can't deal with shit himself. I mean if I was going to send an email to Caleb I would have worded it WAY differently! But I know it's my own fault, and I should be more conscientious of what I put in writing, since I have been known to get myself in trouble for that in the past.
I just hate passive aggressive people! Fucking grow a pair!!! UUUUUUUUUGGGGGH!!!!

Well I wrote Caleb back, apologized for offending him, and explained that I think it was just a misunderstanding, and that perhaps I am ignorant about how these events are run, and that I just wanted to be kept informed. And I told him that we do appreciate everything he does for us.
(Despite the fact that I think it's fucked up he was trying to throw the staff trip back in my face when:
1) it's supposed to be his way of thanking us as his employees, and showing his appreciation to us, not the other way around, and
2) back in Houston, we took employee trips twice a year! Not once every 4, which is pretty much what it's like here, but whatever...)

Then Caleb wrote me back, "Thanks, I appreciate it, we'll chat on Thursday", which is tomorrow.
So when I talk to him tomorrow I'm going to tell him that Felix basically forced me into working it, and that I had to cancel my plans, and that I was pissed about it. I mean if you ask people to volunteer for something, and then they do, and then you basically punish them for it, that's just...fucked up! And of course I won't say it in those words, but I'm just so fucking pissed about this whole situation because if Felix wasn't such a FUCKING PUSSY none of this would have happened!!

So now I'm back to thinking about getting a new job, as much as I cringe at the idea of job hunting, it just kinda seems like a good idea right now. I just feel like Caleb has gotten the complete wrong impression of me, and the fact that I'm still waiting tables is not helping.

But the staff trip is happening in a couple weeks, and Ronnie's parents have a cabin on Green Bay that we're gonna all stay at, and it should be a lot of fun. There aren't any boys I work with who I'm even remotely interested in though, which means there will be no romance. Booo. Oh well. Abbie, Ronnie and I will have girl time.

So that's what's up with me! Sorry it's been so long!

Working Girl

Tonight was so great!! I'm on cloud 9 right now. Around 8:30, Nicole called to see if I would still be able to come into her bar and talk to the managers. She said she talked me up to the GM and he wanted to meet me. So I got ready as quick as possible and she picked me up. Well I guess the GM liked me, cuz he ended up throwing me behind the bar for training! I didn't get to work with Nicole, but I worked behind one of 5 bars with this guy Rex, who was super cool. And it was great! I had so much fun. Around midnight, Rex just started handing me shots, and I eventually lost count. Aaron and Chris even made an appearance. Lol. AND, to top it all off, Rex tipped me out 80 bucks, which he totally didn't have to do, since I'm in "training", but I obviously really appreciated. It's such a relief to have a job, and finally have some of my own money in my pocket. Not to mention meeting new people and making my own friends! This is gonna be great. I just know it.

Read Between The Lines

Ok it's been almost a week since Kevin and I went out, and he hasn't asked me out since! What the hell??? He texts me like all day, every day, but never says anything about us hanging out. I just can't get a read on him. Is he just too shy? Too busy? Or is he not that into me. I think I may have to go back and read that book, He's Just Not That Into You and build up some resolve. ((Sigh))
Tonight I'm going to some industry party for Grand Marnier with my coworkers, so that should be fun. It's been a while since I've been to one of those, and the always promise a good time! My only concern is getting home early enough (and sober enough) to get up in time for work tomorrow morning.
Speaking of work, I've decided I'm quitting my day job. It's just time for me to move on. I'm not happy here, and I'm wasting just as much time in this crap job as I was bartending. And I just can't seem to get anything done as long as I'm working these crazy 50 hour work weeks. So I'm going to put in my 2 weeks when I get back from my vacation in Orlando, and I'm going to go back to bartending full time, while I apply for schools and visit campuses. I've already talked to Mr. P about it, and he suggested I come back when football season starts, because they'll have more hours, and that way I won't have to struggle to pay my bills. So that's my plan. And I feel really good about it actually. Just knowing that I've made the decision.
I've been looking into schools in Chicago, Seattle and Boston. Big cities, where I won't mind moving by myself. Even though I will have Sophie, Brent and Taylor in Chicago, if that's where I end up going. And that's definitely my first choice. But now I have to start preparing a portfolio. And that's not going to be easy. I'm already stressing out about it. Ugh...
Sunday night, I met up with Taryn, her old friend Christa, who is awesome, and this guy she's kind of talking to, Brad. I really like Brad too. He's funny, and nice, and easy to talk to. They dated before, but Taryn wasn't ready for a relationship, so she broke it off with him, but now they're talking again. So anyways, I met the 3 of them at a wine bar in the Heights, and we had a great time just talking and hanging out. After that, we walked down to a restaurant down the way, and JC met us all there for dinner. I texted Kevin while we were there, because we just happened to be walking distance from his apartments. I told him he should meet us, and he said he was really considering it, but was too tired, sunburned, and busy with unpacking. He went to Austin this past weekend, and spent the whole time out on Lake Travis, so I guess that's understandable. But after that, I decided I'm not going to invite him out again, or suggest I come over and help him unpack, even if it did work last time. I'm just going to wait for him to make the next move, as annoying as that is.
I do think I will mention the industry party to Dave, and see if I can't get him to go, and bring Kevin. Lol. Passive aggressive, I know, but oh well. Wish me luck!

Cloud 9

The last couple days I've been on Cloud 9!
Except for Friday. I worked at the bar that night, and it was really slow. And Brandon had the night off because it was his slore's birthday. And of course, they showed up. Ugh. I also found out that she is his GIRLFRIEND; he's actually in a relationship with this nasty piece of white trash, and for some reason it really upset me. I mean, all that bullshit he spat to me about not being able to balance a relationship, and GOLF, and the fact that he NEVER took off work for my birthday... At my birthday party, he was a total ass!! ((sigh))
Whatever. I don't know why it even bothers me, but having to look at her stupid, pasty white, ugly, squishy face, just makes something erupt inside of me and I just wanna set her on fire! One other strange thing happened Friday. Rusty was there. His band was playing. And I haven't seen him since...well since I dropped him off after the big hurricane over a year ago. He dyed his hair black, wears wayyy too much eyeliner and he looks completely emaciated. Probably from the drugs. Who knows, but he looks like a total emo freak! And he came up to me during their set break and was hitting on me! Telling me how he moved, and he has a new bedroom, with a 60 inch TV and nobody to watch movies with. Ugh...
When we were counting tips at the end of the night, he actually walked to the back and asked me to come over and watch a movie with him!! In front of everyone! I had to laugh, I was so incredulous. He still doesn't have a car, or a phone!! Some things never change... He even texted me at 7:30 am from some yahoo messaging program, wanting to talk! I was asleep, and didn't get the message till the next morning, but needless to say, I didn't write him back.

Anyways, Saturday was MUCH better. Bethany and I finally got together for lunch. It was really great. We talked about everything. Her breakup, Miami, Todd, her new love interest... And I realized how much I've actually missed her. I guess I just needed a break from all the drama. But I love Bethany, I always will, and I'm glad to have her back. :)

Work was awesome on Saturday night, too. First off, it was totally slammed! Secondly, Todd came in to see me, with a group of his friends, and finally, Brandon was there to witness it all. ((Evil grin))
I bought Todd a bottle of champagne, since I know how much he likes it now. Haha! He stood over on my end of the bar, and hung out with me. We took shots together, and it was just really fun! But then I got sent to the back bar, cuz their computer went down, and I got stuck back there for the rest of the night. But Todd came back there to say bye to me at the end of the night, and we ended up making really good money too.
Since I had promised Todd I'd go to church on Sunday, if he went, (for old time's sake!) I literally got 2.5 hours of sleep Saturday night! I got home at 5:30am that night, since we'd been so busy, and we had to do inventory. Then I had to get up at 8 to shower, get ready and drive all the way down to the south side of town, where our church is.
Todd's family and mine sat together, just like we always used to. It was really nice. I felt so...happy! I can't even explain it. As tired as I was, I was really glad to be there. It just felt right. Todd sat on one side of me, and his mom sat on my other side, so that she could chat with my mom. During the offering, she leaned over and asked me if Todd and I wanted to get lunch after church. Of course we both agreed.
But when church ended, it literally took us 30 minutes to get out of there because of all the people bombarding Todd in the narthex! It was crazy! But we finally made it out, and headed to our favorite Mexican restaurant, which is conveniently situated between both of our parents' neighborhoods.
I went to my parents house for a bit afterwards and my mom told me, that Todd's mom told her, that everyone at church was asking if Todd and I are dating.

"And she smiled a little bit too when she said it, like...??" My mom said.

I rolled my eyes. "Ok mom, you've made your point."

"Well I just think maybe you and Todd should get together! And I think his mom thinks so too." She pressed.

"Ok well, Todd's mom just loves fixing people up! It's like her hobby!"

"Yea, but I know she loves you, and you and Todd get along so well, and you make him laugh, and you guys have fun together, why not??"

I sighed. "I don't know, Mom." I said.

I didn't feel like explaining all the complications to her. She doesn't know for sure how I really feel about Todd, but I'm pretty sure she suspects.

When I finally got home around 6:30, I got in bed with Jasper, watched a couple episodes of Glee on DVD and then crashed. I'm still really tired though, and I'm not too sure when I'll get caught back up on my sleep. Todd is headed to Dallas today to start house hunting. But he'll be back this weekend, for the joint Birthday/Superbowl party on Saturday. Lucky for me, I'm off work at the bar that night, so I'll be there! I'm working on a really awesome present for Todd too. His birthday is the 2nd week in March. Cookoff is this week too. I have a feel the next 2 weeks are gonna be pretty awesome and I can't wait!

Crazy Week Ahead

OMG! My schedule next week is literally insane. Check it out:

Monday:
2pm - NovaLash appt (I'll explain later)
5pm - photography client meeting

Tuesday:
4:30pm - Waxing appt
6pm - PACK!

Wednesday:
5pm - Tanning
6pm - PACK!

Thursday:
5pm - Nails
6pm - Finish packing, go to parents house, drop off dog

Friday:
6pm - GO TO MIAMI!!


And of course I'm also working my day job on all of those days... Ugh...
So, about the lash appt. A friend of a friend works for NovaLash, and they need models in a couple of weeks for some event, and they're offering free lashes in exchange for the modeling!! And I figured, PERFECT! I'll have nice long lashes for Miami, and they're FREE!! It's gonna be so cool! I have so much stuff to do next week, ahhh!!
Tomorrow I gotta go look for a dress. I'm kind of dreading that. And Sunday, I'm supposed to be spending the day with Cecilia and Presley. I miss her, and we're planning on going to the beach, if the weather permits. Obviously not to SWIM, but just to hang out and catch up. This weekend, I definitely need to start packing. I would do it today, but I'm so exhausted I know I'm gonna crash as soon as I get home from work! I stayed up wayyyy too late last night reading Dear John. Really good, but really depressing. I HATED the ending. It just made me cry! Ugh, I hate that. That's why I don't usually read Nicholas Sparks. His books always make me cry. But I saw the previews for Dear John and The Last Song, and they looked so good, I just bought the books. I've been reading maniacally lately. It calms my nerves, and takes my mind off things. I've been thinking a lot lately about stuff...i.e. Todd. ((sigh))

So Laura is going to the Superbowl. I mean I should have known. Did I mention I'm going alone to Miami?? Todd was only able to get me 1 ticket. I never called Law School either. The more I think about that whole situation, the more pissed off I get. I feel like I'm losing the small amount of patience I used to have. It's like my tolerance for people is completely gone! Ughhh... Well it's not like he's tried to contact me either. And after all this, any residual feelings I may have had for Law School are completely gone. In fact, I'm glad nothing happened between us, because he's...DUMB! Just...AHHH so frustrating! Sometimes I feel like I just wanna call him out, and tell him I know why he's acting so fucking lame, and to get over it. But whatever. I'm not gonna call him.
So anyways, I'm getting to Miami a day earlier than everybody else. Except Todd and his parents, and probably Laura. I'm going to be staying with my mom's cousin, Maria. But I'm kind of hoping maybe Pete will let me crash in his hotel room if we're all out super late. Cuz Maria lives about 30 minutes away from the stadium. We'll see... So I may be spending Friday night by myself, or with my 2nd cousin. Brenden, Andrew and Pete are all getting there Saturday. And Todd has curfew that night, but I'm sure the rest of us will go out. Then there's gonna be a huge tailgating party Sunday during the day. It's gonna be fun! I just hope I'll have enough money saved up! Hopefully the bars do good tonight and tomorrow!

Resolutions

Well everything ended up working out fine with my bartending job. Here is my final draft that I sent to Mr. S. and Mr. P.:

I'm sending this email to you guys so that I can discuss something that may or may not have gone unnoticed. I enjoy working at [my bar] and believe that for the most part you guys take care of us and watch out for us in good intentions. However, I have requested not to work on Sundays because Sundays are my only day off to RELAX and do things that I really need take care of, that I'm not able to do during the week. However, I am scheduled for this Sunday at 2. I do realize that there are 2 specific games this weekend that will contribute to a busier than normal Sunday, and I will work, and not complain. I just hope that when scheduling was done, it was taken into account that some of us do work Monday morning and will need to be out at an earlier time prior to the games being completed.
Secondly, I would like to bring to your attention the fact that I would really like the opportunity to pick up a shift or 2 at one of the other bars. Mr. S., I have tried asking you about this several times, but you're always too busy, or I get brushed off, or completely ignored. Am I being punished for something?? Because it's starting to feel that way. I mean, look at the facts: Ali, Aaron, Brandon, Sierra and Taryn ALL pick up shifts at the other bars. And 2 of those people haven't even been working for this company as long as I have. I just don't get it. Maybe this has just never occurred to you before, so I'm bringing it to your attention. I mean, I work hard, I'm always on time, I don't no call/no show, which is more than I can say for a lot of people that are currently working at [-]. I understand that business is not as busy as in previous years, however I'm now back to getting 10pm shifts every Saturday. I know I have a day job now, but so do Ali and Aaron. And their shifts don't seem to be suffering.
I mean, obviously I want to work at [-], and I enjoy it; you all are like my second family. If that was not the case, I would have quit when I started this new job. And I don't know if you guys realized this, but I'm looking at working 65 hours this week, with NO day off.

Anyways, my whole point to this email is, I just kind of feel like I've been swept under the rug. And I just don't want to be filed away with those who are new and incapable. So if somebody could please give me some answers, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks,

Peyton

Mr. P. wrote back almost immediately, and his response was exactly what I was hoping for. Here it is:


When you left those couple months, you lost all seniority! You are now bottom of the barrel, and we will continue to treat you like garbage, since you now work for [insert new job here]. Haha. I am of course kidding. Yes I will move you around on occasion. Kind of just forgot about it. The 10pm's are because we know you have a day job, and figured you wanted to keep this part-time, so the less hours the better. Thanks for working this Sunday, we need everyone, and don't worry, we will get the day job people out as soon as possible.

Anything Else Harry Potter?**

Thanks,
Mr. P

**Harry Potter is one of the many nicknames Mr. P. has given me. Lol. I don't think an explanation is necessary.
Anyways, he and I bantered back and forth via email for a while, but I'm glad I brought that to his attention, because next Saturday, I'm working at the Washington bar! Yay! Finally! It'll be a nice change of scenery! I just need to go over there sometime this week and familiarize myself with their computer system.

As for my day job, it's been reallllly busy! We have all these new projects to work on. And by we, I mean Veronica and I. So at least I have someone to help me! And just to clarify, I do my job here, and I do it well. I don't fuck around all day. It just seems that I manage my time a lot better than my boss does. He's inexperienced in his current position. I mean he's nice and everything he's just kind of...vague. I mean Veronica has only been here a couple weeks and she's already noticing it! He assigns us tasks, but doesn't fully explain what it is he wants done! So half the time we're just like....uhhhh...??? You know?? So when I made that comment in my last post about him asking me where were on a project, the reason I couldn't give him an adequate answer is because never told us we had to do anything else! He asked us to make a spreadsheet, we made it, then he never said anything else about it! So me and Veronica thought that was it!
Anyways, just thought I'd clarify.

And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for...
The Superbowl.
Not sure sure if I'm going yet, but I'm going to call Todd on my way home from work. I don't wanna count my chickens before they hatch, but things are looking up!! :D
That's all I can say for now.

As for Law School, I don't think I'm gonna take him if I do go. He's just too...wishy washy. I mean if he really wanted to go, he'd be all over it. And he's not. He's just...I dunno. I think I'm gonna take my Dad. Maybe. I mean I know he'd love to go, it's just....I'm gonna be partying, and staying out till all hours of the night, and what if I meet a guy or something??
So with all that going on, I don't wanna be sharing a hotel room with my DAD. And I can't really afford to get one by myself. There's still the option of staying with Reese and her boyfriend. But she hasn't said anything to me about it since that weekend, and I feel kind of awkward asking. I mean cuz I don't know her that well. But we'll see...

Well that's all I have time for today. Back to work!

Answers

I am so pissed off already and it's not even 9:30am yet!!
Last night, me, Ali, Taryn and Bethany went to see The Lovely Bones (I thought it was excellent!) and Ali and I got there first, so we were sitting and chatting. Ali is a teacher by day, bartender by night. And she was asking me if I was scheduled to work this Sunday.
"Probably not, I mean I haven't seen the schedule yet but, Sunday isn't on my availability. Plus, that would put me at like 65 hours this week."
"Well they scheduled me, and I'm pissed."
"Seriously?? They usually ask me first if they need me to work a shift I normally can't work."
"Yea, same here, but nobody asked me."
"Great...well I guess I really need to find out my schedule."

So when I got home, I texted one of my coworkers and asked him to text me my schedule. And this morning when I woke up, there it was: Friday @10, Saturday @10, Sunday @2.

WHAT!? SUNDAY AT 2?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!??

That means, not only am I getting NO DAYS OFF this week, but I have to spend 6 hours working with Izzie on Saturday, then I have to bartend, and I'm gonna get home Saturday night at like...5:30am, and then I'm gonna have to get up 6 and a half hours later and go to work AGAIN. And since there's a playoff game at 6, I'll probably be there till AT LEAST halftime! Who knows how late I'll get stuck there on Sunday! And then I have to get up at 5:30am the next morning!!!

I am so livid right now. So much bullshit has been going on over there and it's like...they treat me like I'm a newbie or something. I am literally going to be working 13 straight days in a row with no day off. FUCK! That's 65 hours this week, and WHO KNOWS how many next week!!

So I'm thinking about this on my drive to work, and by the time I got here, I was pretty fucking pissed. So I start writing an email, to Mr. S and Mr. P. And as I'm typing this email, my boss comes over, and asks, "So where are we with the Florida sites?"
I immediately minimized my email, and gave him my full attention, of course.

"Well I reviewed the emails you sent me, but since we made that spreadsheet for you last week, we haven't really looked at them...I mean I've had a bunch of new requests come in this week that I've been working on."

"So where are we with the Florida sites??" He asks in a really smartass way, with a stupid smirk on his stupid unshaven face! Did I mention before that he grows facial hair like a 15 year old and he NEVER SHAVES! WTF??? If I was a dude, and my "beard" looked that retarded, I would never leave the house without shaving. Ugh.

So I say, "Well...what do you mean??" Because obviously the answer I gave him wasn't good enough. Again, WTF?!

And then he's like, "Well we need to get going on those."

WOW. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO SPECIFIC. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO NOW.
OMG I HATE HIM!!!

I know I complain about my job too much, and I should be thankful because millions of people don't have jobs, etc...but... I seriously need to get the FUCK out of here. I hate this job. I hate it. My boss is an idiot, and I'm underpaid and overqualified for this bullshit. Uuuugggghhhh!!!

Anyways, here's the email I wrote to my other bosses. I haven't sent it to them yet though. I forwarded it to Ali first so she could read it and give me her opinions. She says it's a little too direct and she's going to edit it for me. But here's the rough draft.

Ok, the reason I'm emailing you guys, is because it seems like this is the only way I can get a response out of you. I really would like to know why I'm not able to pick up shifts at the shot bar and the Washington bar. Mr. S, I've asked you this several times, but you're always either too busy, or I get a brush off or ignored. Am I being punished for something?? Cuz it sure seems like it.
I mean look at the facts: Ali, Aaron, Brandon, Taryn, and Sierra ALL pick up shifts at the other bars. And 2 of those people haven't even been working for this company as long as I have. I just don't get it. Maybe you guys haven't even put any thought into it at all, so I'm bringing it to your attention. I mean, I work hard, I'm always on time, I don't no call/no show, which is more than I can say for a lot of people that are currently working there. And now I'm back to getting 10pm shifts every Saturday. I know I have a day job now, but so do Ali and Aaron! And their shifts don't seem to be suffering. I mean, obviously I WANT to work for your guys, otherwise I would have quit when I started this new job. And I don't know if you guys realized this, but I'm looking at working 65 hours this week, with NO day off, since you scheduled me Sunday. Ali probably is too.
Anyways, my whole point to this email is, I just kind of feel like I've been swept under the rug. If I work hard and do my job the way I'm supposed to (which I DO), why are people who DON'T do those things, being rewarded, instead of me? I mean, I could sit here and give you a list of things you should probably know about a lot of your new bartenders. Most of them have no clue what they're doing, most of the time. But I don't care about that, I just don't want to be filed away with those people. So will somebody PLEASE give me some answers!

Thanks,
Peyton

As soon as Ali writes me back, I'm sending that email. After reading back through it, it probably is a little harsh. And I don't wanna come off as bitchy or confrontational. I just want answers.

It Just Happens.

I had one of those awful dreams again. It was my maternal grandfather this time. Commonly known to me and the other grandkids as Poppa. Usually when I have dreams about friends or family members dying, I wake up and they always seem so...implausible. But this one was different. Poppa is old, and showing the early stages of Alzheimer's. I woke up crying, I don't know what time it was. It didn't even feel as if I'd been sleeping very long, because I fell asleep crying too. Friday was the anniversary of Oliver's death. I didn't realize it till I got home from work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the date, But as soon as I realized it was the 8th...I knew. That got me thinking about how it happened, the mental image in my head of Brandon carrying my limp, lifeless puppy across the feeder road, where he laid him in a dense patch of trees. His eternal resting place. I just kept thinking that I would have never made it through that without Brandon. And that is one of the fondest memories I have of him.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.

The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.

And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.

Water Under The Bridge

I appreciate everyone's advice and insight about Cali, but really...it's all just water under the bridge now. If you all remember, we never really had that spark anyways. I don't hate him for not telling me, it just kind of makes me second guess myself, because I knew there had to be something he wasn't telling me! The signs were there. You know, whenever I would ask him questions about his life, he would always turn the conversation around, and deflect my questions back to me. And I always felt like he knew so much more about me, than I knew about him. And that's just not fair. Plus, it just didn't seem feasible that an attractive 31-year old guy with a good job could still be on the market. So I'm kind of kicking myself in the ass for not thinking about that stuff. Oh, and let's not forget, I have dated a guy with a kid before, (Daniel!) and I was totally ok with it. Because I knew about her, going into the relationship.

But really, it doesn't matter, because Cali and I both agreed that things weren't really lifting off. He did send me a couple drunk text messages on New Year's Eve. They just said things like, "i'm soreryr Peyton. im an asshloe." I had to tell him to stop texting me. That was another thing that bothered me. His drinking habits/drunk text messaging. So juvenile! But whatever, it doesn't matter. Maybe Cali and I can be friends later down the line, but you have to understand how this makes me feel, because...here I was spending all this time with this guy, against my gut instinct, trying to give him a chance and spilling my guts to him and...I totally put myself out there, and he didn't at all. That just...wasn't fair to me. So for now, I don't foresee us talking any time soon.

Last night at work was decent. It was the old crew working! Brandon was out of town (yay!) so I didn't have to work with him, and most of the newer bartenders were off. So we were kickin' it old school last night, and it was lots of fun. Ali and I got a little tipsy while doing inventory. Lol. And something I haven't mentioned yet... Gavin and I have been having some interesting text message conversations lately. Very flirtatious, very...enticing. Hehe. I anticipate a tryst finally culminating after years of sexual tension and bad timing. Lol.

The thing I've always liked about Gavin is that he's so humble. He's hot, but completely unaware of that, and he's funny, and very down to earth. And ever since we both got dumped, at about the same time, we've sort of bonded through our commiseration. Lol. So...I am interested to see where this is headed. Definitely not looking for a relationship with him, but maybe just a little fun.

Law School is coming home today too. I wonder if I'll hear from him? I'm supposed to hang out with Greg today. We both have off work, but right now I'm just sitting on my couch in my PJ's watching Todd's football game. I really miss Todd! Now that he's pseudo-famous and he's always so busy, we hardly ever get to talk anymore. Sucks... I talk to his little bro more than him now!

Well I made a sketch in Photoshop of my New Year's Eve dress! I got a pen touch pad for Christmas and it's awesome! So I just sketched this over an actual picture. Tell me what you think!

PANIC ATTACK!

Omg, I'm starting to get really nervous about New Year's Eve! What if inviting Cali was a bad idea?? What if he's not social enough for me to leave him alone?? What if he doesn't fit in with my friends? What if they don't like him?? I don't wanna have to babysit him all night, cuz when I start drinking, I'm very gregarious. I'm all over the place! Especially when I'm at a bar where I know everyone that works there. ((Sigh)) I really hope this night isn't a total disaster!!
We're supposed to meet over at Ben's house for cocktails at 7:30 and then take a cab to the bar. I got the perfect dress!! It's a plum colored, form fitting sheath, above the knee, with a sweetheart neckline. But then there's this heavily beaded piece that comes up from the middle of the bust, in a straight light, and wraps around the neck. It's so pretty! And different. Nobody will have a dress like mine! It was the only one on the rack at this really obscure boutique I love. I also got the perfect shoes to match! They're a dark, silvery grey, and there's like a small bead type design that comes up the arch and wraps around the ankle. I'll have to post pictures of my outfit later.
Anyways, I have another date with Cali tonight. Dinner and a movie. We're gonna go see Up In The Air. So, maybe I'll feel a little better about NYE after our date tonight.
On Saturday night at work, Brandon spoke to me. For the first time since...well I don't even know. He said, "Hey! How are you?" while we were both in line for the computer. I just said, "Swell!" and went about my business. And then I got to thinking, why can't he and I just be friends? I mean, it feels so weird to just cut someone completely out of my life. He was such a big part of it for a time, he knew me better than anyone, he was like my best friend! And now we don't even speak. And that kind of makes me sad. But then I think, he sure as hell wasn't a very good friend! At least not for the last 2/3rds of our relationship. A friend would never do or say the things to me that he did. But...I don't know. I think it's for the best if things just remain the way they are. It's easier that way. Not thinking about him, I mean. Maybe someday...farther down the road.
Speaking of friends, I'm starting to feel really lonely lately. And really mad, at Bethany in particular. She never calls me anymore, yet she calls me her best friend, but I've practically been replaced, with Summer! And I love Summer and all, but it's like, just because I don't work with them anymore, and I don't have a bartender's lifestyle anymore, I can't hang out with my friends anymore! They never call me, or invite me to do things, and I'm always just...by myself. Lately, I haven't been lonely so much, cuz of the holidays, but now that Sophie's gone, I can already feel things slipping back into their old routine. Summer texted me yesterday, and I mentioned that I never get to see them anymore, and she suggested that me, her and Bethany go to a movie. And I said, sure. Then when I got off work, I texted and called her, and she never answered or responded! I'm gonna be really mad if I find out they went without me and never called. ((Sigh)) I really hope I'm not losing my friends.

I Got A Feelin'... That Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night

Sorry, it's been so long since I've blogged! I've been meaning and meaning to write, but I've been so busy, and I'm about a week behind on sleep now! Ugh...
So let's start from the beginning. Thanksgiving week was nice and relaxing. I had to leave work early on Tuesday for my doctor's appointment. I got my blood work done, so they could try to find out what's going on with my hair, and nothing turned up. :( So I have to go see a dermatologist. But hey, at least I'm healthy! I mean, other than the obvious.
Wednesday was my last day of the work week, and Sheila and I went out and got pretty crazy that night! Cory and I were supposed to hang out, and he had texted me earlier that day, but when I was ready to go, he didn't answer the phone! So I just figured, oh well. And Sheila and I had tons of fun, just the two of us, anyway. I haven't been that drunk in a long time. Lol. But don't worry, we took cabs, so we were safe. I crashed pretty hard that night after a much needed carefree night of partying. A little too hard though, because I did not wanna get out of bed the next morning! I was an hour late to Thanksgiving lunch/dinner at the grandparents, and everyone had already eaten. My parents were in Florida, and Sophie was spending the holiday with Brent's parents, so it was just me. But Jenna and Paul were there, and I scarfed down a plate of food before everyone started packing it all up. We actually had a pretty good time, the 3 of us. We sat at the table in the kitchen, talking and goofing off, while the rest of the family was in the living room being boring. Lol. My grandfather is a bit crotchety in his old age, and he's very particular, and likes to give his grandsons a hard time. He's also going deaf, so he shouts a lot. Lol. So Paul was just sitting in his chair reading a GQ, and Grandpa kept harassing him. Lol. Yelling at him to get his lazy ass up and help clean up. Jenna and I could hardly stifle our laughs.
So I had fun, catching up with them. Jenna had to leave that night though, because her boyfriend had a death in the family that week. So unfortunately, she and I didn't get to spend any more time together after Thanksgiving dinner.
I had been planning on going out again Thursday night, but I was just so tired, I ended up staying in, cuddling with Jasper on the couch, and going to bed early. Cory called to tell me he was sorry about the night before, but he'd passed out on his friends couch, and woke up at 4am fully clothed. And of course, I was too tired to do anything, so we ended up never getting to see each other! I was pretty disappointed I guess, but having too much fun to really notice.
Friday night I had to work at the bar; that kinda sucked. I didn't even leave my apartment during the day, because I was afraid of Black Friday traffic. I live pretty close to the mall, so it gets really insane over there. I had a really horrible dream about Brandon that night too. I dreamt that it was my birthday, and he was trying to give me something; he had bought it when we were still together. But I told him it was too much, and I didn't think it was appropriate for me to accept his gift. And he kinda just shrugged, said ok, and then walked off. And we were in the parking lot of the mall or something, so I turned and started to walk the other way, and I just started crying. The my mom came and picked me up, and as we were leaving the parking lot, I saw Brandon and his new slore standing on the curb, kissing. I woke up sobbing. Needless to say, I wasn't in the greatest mood. But I had to run errands and pack my things for my trip with the girls to go watch Todd's football game! My first NFL game ever!! So that definitely cheered me up. Our plane was slotted to leave at 7am Sunday morning! Work was kinda slow, but I didn't have to work behind the same bar as Brandon, which was nice. ANNNND...I met someone!
I was working the waitress well, and I noticed one of my favorite waitresses, Liza, talking to this guy. He was tall, with olive skin and dark hair, and he had kind of an exotic look to him. Like he might be Hawaiian or half Filipino. So I asked her if he was a friend of hers.
"No, he's just sitting at one of my tables.", she said, "Why?"
"Because he's hot!" I said.
She laughed. "You wanna know what he said about you??"
"WHAT!" I could hardly contain myself. Surely, this had to be a joke.
"He said, 'That girl looks mean, and a little scary, but I like it!'"
I busted out laughing. "Find out how old he is, but don't tell him I asked."
So she came back, and reported that he's 31.
Perfect! I thought. No more immature guys who need to get their lives together!
I quickly whipped up 4 of my best shots.
"Bring these to him and his friends, one is for you, and tell him they're from me." I said to Liza.
"One's for me? Thanks!" She beamed, and bustled off to his table.
I sorta got busy for a while after that, and before I knew it, he was standing in front of my well!
"Hey! Thanks for the shots, they were really good!" He said.
"You're welcome." I said, "I'm Peyton."
I shook his hand, blushing slightly. I've never dated someone that much older than me before. And the thought of it was kind of intimidating. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about it! Lol. I mean, it's only 6 years, but the most I've ever done is 4.
"I'm [Cali]." He said. (That's what I'm calling him, cuz I later learned, he's from San Diego.)
"So, my friends and I are actually about to take off... Do you think I could call you sometime?" He asked.
"Sure! Um...one second." I ran to the other end of the bar to grab my purse. I whipped out one of my photography business cards and handed it to him. Much quicker than writing down my name and number.
"Thanks!" He said, "I'll see ya later."
"Bye!" I said.
My night got considerably better after that. But wait till you guys read about our trip!

Finally Getting Somewhere

I took the job!

I start Wednesday.

As for everything else...I'm going down to 2 nights a week bartending. Just Friday and Saturday. And Brandon and I are...just friends. Really, actually, just friends. I really don't expect anything, other than friendship. And even though sometimes, I find myself hoping that maybe something could come from us being friends, I'm trying to let it go, and just...move on. And surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. I still have my breakdown moments, and it's a little weird at work, because I find myself slipping into my old habits of just...completely ignoring him. But then he walks up and starts talking to me, and I have to remind myself that it's ok! ((Sigh))

Anyway, I'm moving on with my life. This new job should be a nice change of pace, and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

First Night

Last night, work was great! It was so good to be back, and everything just felt...in it's place. It was like riding a bike. A little surreal at first, but things are as they should be.

The only problem?

Brandon.

((Sigh))

I mean, he was just acting so...strange and distant towards me. And when I asked him about it, he said I'm over analyzing things, and that he doesn't chat at work, he works. And he doesn't talk to anyone else any less, or any more than he talks to me. So, maybe I am just over analyzing things, because I'm hyper-aware of my situation, and us, and I don't want things to go back to the way they were, I want them to be better! So I told him that yea, I may be over analyzing, but with good reason. And he said there's nothing to worry about. So, I'm just gonna try to let it go, and not pay so much attention to him.

It just feels...like there's something he's not telling me. I dunno. But I'm determined to get to the bottom of it!

I work again today at 6, and he'll be there too, so we'll see. I'm hoping maybe he and I can get together tonight, and hang out. Then maybe we can talk with out the pressures of the work environment.

But everything else is good! We were busy, and we made decent money, and I had fun! I almost forgot what it feels like to look forward to going to work. I called Summer this morning and asked her if anyone said anything last night about me not showing up for my shift. She just said that the GM asked if I had told anyone that I wouldn't be coming in, and she told him no. Well! At least he actually had to work for his money for once! Because, since I wasn't there, he had to fill in. Haha!

Anyways, I guess I don't have much else to write about. My car is still on the fritz. And my parents should be home tonight, so hopefully my dad can put in the new alternator tomorrow afternoon.

Well...that's all for now!

Ketchup

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. Things have just been so hectic since the new job and everything...
The first night I worked there, I absolutely hated it. And I was sure I wouldn't come back. I didn't get to work at the same bar as Summer or Bethany, and the place was just a total...clusterfuck! But it was busy. REALLY busy. And we ended up making so much money that night that I figured I couldn't afford to quit. And I figured I should give it another chance.
So I went back the next night, and it wasn't as bad. I still didn't get to work at the same bar as my friends, but I figured I need to get to know the other bartenders anyway. It's all girls and one guy. And right now, there are only 7 of us.
Last night, being a Thursday there weren't as many bartenders working, and Bethany and I are trading off every other week. And it was actually kind of fun! I got to know Jim, our only male bartender, since we were working in the back bar together. Then Jim went home at midnight and Summer came back to work with me. So she and I had fun together. Although...sometimes, she'll say something, or do something, a facial expression, or a gesture, that makes me think of Brandon. And it's like I have to look away. They're just so much alike. ((Sigh))
After work, all us girls went and ate at IHOP and that was really fun. There's this girl, Tara, who just moved here from Boston, and guess who she's dating?! Hot Dereck!! Lol. Small world, huh?
I was so surprised when I found out cuz...well frankly, he used to be a total manwhore! But good for him, I guess he's got his shit together. And Tara's a really sweet, cool, girl. Cute, but not your cookie cutter, run of the mill, blond with big boobs. She has a great personality! So anyways, she's my favorite one out of our bartenders. And then there's Cailee. She's young, blond, tall, and pretty. And very...well, young. You know, shes all into the scene, drinks a lot at work. A total party girl. But...I think she means well. I hope she does anyways. It's hard to tell with girls like her, because they're at a point where they could go either way...
And then there's Andrea. The 6 feet tall bombshell. Huge fake boobs, brunette, and happens to be dating Justin. One of the owners. Who also happens to be Jayme's ex-boyfriend. Lol. It's weird how everything seems to tie in.
So that's everybody! I'm sure you guys will be hearing more about them in the future.

Now, let me get you guys caught up on the non-work stuff. Sunday was Jayme's birthday party. Which was at my old bar. And sure enough, Brandon was there. I was having a good time, managed to avoid him for most of the day, until the very end of the night. Which, again, sent me heading home, sad and not in the mood to socialize.
The funny thing is, Gavin texted me and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was heading home, he asked me if I wanted some company, cuz he was bored. So...he came over! And nothing happened. I mean, he and Sierra are still on and off or whatever, and I would never wanna go there. It was just...really awkward. We watched half a movie, while sitting on opposite ends of the couch. He left after about an hour. But I have to say, it was nice to have his company, if only to distract me from my thoughts of Brandon. ((Sigh))
Monday night, I went out with Cameryn and DJ to this Stoli Apple release party. There were aerialists and dancers, and free alcohol! It was awesome. And it was so awesome to hang out with some of my friends from my old job. I miss everybody so much!
Of course, I ended up getting a little too drunk, and when I got home, I *67ed Brandon a few times. ((Sigh)) I KNOW, it was stupid. REALLY stupid. I knew even as I was dialing. But I just...couldn't stop thinking about him! No one answered the first couple times, and then on like...the 4th try, someone answered. A girl.
I was in so much shock I just choked. She hung up. I looked at my phone to make sure I dialed the right number. Did I dial the right number?? I don't know! I still don't know! I immediately dialed Summer. She didn't answer. I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, when I woke up, I had a text from Summer.
"Is everything ok?"
"Yea I just got a little too drunk last night, called your brother, and a girl answered the phone. I sorta had a mini meldown."
She was just as shocked as I was. But she said she'd try to find out who it was, if I even dialed the right number. I mean, I'm hoping I dialed the wrong number, obviously, but I know better than to hope for that. But I just can't help thinking, he hardly had time for me when we were dating, and he's so self absorbed and busy with golf, how could he possibly have had time to find a new girl already!?! ((Sigh)) Summer agreed with me on that front. But I really need to just stop obsessing.
Which is where Cory comes in! He and I went to high school together, and we had a lot of mutual friends, but never really hung out. So we're friends on Facebook, and he recently got dumped too. And we've been commiserating a lot. And the thing is...he's attractive, funny, tall, smart, sarcastic, and very genuine. And I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Especially since he told me he's coming to Houston next weekend. Yea, that's the only downside. He's going to school in San Antonio. But there's been a lot of flirting going on. Even when I was in Austin! I invited him to go to the river with us, but then we ended up not going. But he was gonna come! So he makes it a point to tell me he's coming to Houston, and I can't help but feel...good about this! I mean, usually I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up about something so uncertain, but I'd rather think about Cory and what could possibly happen, than think about Brandon and how much I miss him. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I just...miss him so much. It's like a piece of me is gone.
((Sigh)) So, I'm trying to be positive. About the Cory thing. Tonight all us girls from the new bar are going out to eat, and have margs before work. It's gonna be really fun. I'm glad I'm finally starting to get to know everybody, and sort of find my place in the world. That is, my small, cloistered little world. Well, I'm off to jump in the shower and get ready!

New Job Tonight!

I'm starting my new job with Bethany tonight. I'm excited, and nervous at the same time. On the one hand, I know it'll be really good for me to get out, meet some new people, and it'll be a nice change of scenery. Plus, I'll be making money again!
On the other hand, I have been spending the last month prepping my resume and putting some feelers out in the pharmaceutical sales industry. So don't worry, I'm on top of it!
Yesterday was a real rough day for me. Just, coming home from Austin, to an empty apartment full of boxes. I had no food, no television, and nothing to do. So I decided to go grocery shopping.
First, there was all this construction going on right near my apartment, so it took me like 20 minutes to get to HEB, even though it normally takes 5. Then this fat, asshole cop, was being really rude to me, because I was trying to ask him how I could get across the street.
"Well you can't go driving through all this machinery!" He yelled.
"Um, I know that, I was asking, politely, mind you, if there is any way I can get over there!" I said.
The other cop that was with him, was super nice, and told me he'd direct me across as soon as the cement truck passed.
So then I got home, and there were no parking spots, so I had to park really far away, and carry like 10 grocery bags all the way to my apartment. So when I finally got inside, I was setting the bags on the counter, and this 16 oz glass bottle of lemonade fell out of one of the bags and landed right on my left pinkie toe! I dropped everything I was holding and screamed bloody murder. Then I collapsed on the floor of my kitchen, sobbing, and had a complete emotional breakdown.
My toe swelled up to the size of a large yellow grape, and turned blackish purple.
Just great.
((Sigh))
Now I'm just hoping I get my boots on for work.

Well, that's about all that going on here now. I really hope I have a good night at work tonight. Cuz I really need it. I'm meeting Bethany at her place around 7:30, and we're gonna carpool. :)
So at least I won't get lost!

Interesting Developments

OMG. I'm kind of drunk right now. And I didn't mean to get drunk. But I was eating leftover wings, and all I had to drink was bottled water, or wine. So I opened this bottle of sparkling wine that Brandon and I bought about a week ago, and I poured myself a glass. I figured, what the hell? And the wings were a bit spicey, so I ended up chugging my first glass, and then my second, and well...here I am! Drunk! Hahaha.

So I'm pretty buzzed, chatting on Facebook, and guess who messages me?

You guys probably don't remember him, but back when we met, I referred to him as The Good Guy. We actually "met" on a dating website, and he knew Bethany. Well, every now and then, he comes into my bar, or we run into each other. I've just never mentioned it before, cuz I never thought it was really relevant. Ya know? But tonight, he sent me a FB chat message, and when I went ot write back, he had signed off. So I texted him.

Me: You hung up on me!

TGG: My computer is being a biatch. Whats up?

Me: I dunno, you messaged me!

TGG: Yea, I was looking forward to some FB chat but alas, my computer is ridiculous. Just sayin hey.

Me: Ah...yes. FB chat is my only form of entertainment at my new place till the cable gets set up.

TGG: Where's your new place?

Me: (description)

TGG: Cool. I'm still at the same place. This is gonna sound weird, but I had a dream about you last night.

Me: Aaahahaha! About what?

(Ten minutes goes by...)

Me: Comeon...The suspense is killing me!

TGG: The fact that I'm not going to tell you what the dream was about will probably give you a good idea of what was involved. So yea... It was interesting.

Me: OMG. WE HAD DREAM SEX!?

TGG: Lol yes. We did. I woke up as surprised as you are.

Me: Surprised and satisfied! Haha. You know what that means, right?

TGG: It means I woke up with a boner and had to pee really bad.

Me: Lmao, Well yes, but it also means you have deep rooted sexual frustration that you secretly want to take out on me.

(Several minutes go by...)

Me: [TGG]. There's no need to be embarassed. We're both consenting adults. Lol.

TGG: Ah! I just got every text back to back all at once. now my phone is being a bitch.

Me: Man...technology must really be out to get you.

TGG: Yep. Well FYI, you were a good lay in the dream. Just sayin...

Me: Lol. Well FYI, I'm not just good in dreams. Just sayin...

TGG: So what are you saying, Peyton? I'm listening.

Me: Well...I thought I was being pretty clear. Heh.

TGG: I'll keep that in mind. I'm just chilling at my place by the way.

Me: Oh really? Same here.

TGG: Feeling froggy? Why don't you jump on over here?

Me: While that is rather tempting, I am covered in paint and in desperate need of a shower. Lol. I had to repaint/clean my old apt today. So I'm going to request a raincheck. And I don't mean "i'mblowingyouoffandcallingitaraincheck", I mean an actual raincheck.

TGG: Ok cool stuff. I'll take a raincheck. On that note, though, I must depart and call it a night. We'll chat soon though.

Me: Very well then. Hopefully I'll make another appearance in your dreams. ;)



That concluded our conversation. And reading it back, I almost feel ashamed at my tipsy, randy self, but oh well! It was fun!

And who knows what may happen. A rebound may commence...



Although, unfortunately, I do have to give you all a Brandon update.

Saturday night, I was in a really good mood at work again, because Todd played really good in his game, and I got to watch most of it.

Anyways, Brandon got to work 2 hours after me, and I ignored him, as usual. But around last call, the lights came on, and I was closing out a tab, and he walks up right night to me at the computer.

"So you're not gonna talk to me tonight either?" He asked.

"Nope." I said, as I swiped the credit card.

"Why not?"

"Because I have nothing to say to you." The stupid credit card wouldn't go through!

"Well I just want to talk to you about-"

"I don't care. I'm not going to waste any more time, effort, or words on you, Brandon. Just leave me alone." I grabbed the check presenter and made for the other computer, since that one wasn't working anyway.

He followed me!

I don't know what he was saying, because I wasn't listening, but he was hissing in my ear, stuff about our relationship, that he wanted to talk about.

I physically pushed him away from me.

"Leave me alone! If you wanna go fuck other girls, that's your business, but I don't want to hear about it." I walked off again. By this time, I was starting to get upset. He was still following me.

When I got to the other end of the bar, I asked Mark to please tell Brandon that I now was not the time or place to talk to me.

Mark looked up from what he was doing, glanced over at Brandon, and nodded.

But Brandon still persisted!

"It's not about other girls!" He said.

My eyes were flooding with tears, and my face was hot with anger.

I just can't deal with this. Especially not now, I thought.

Magically, Mr. S. appeared at the end of the bar. I hurried over to him.

"Could you please tell Brandon to leave me alone. I can't deal with this right now." I pleaded to him, tears starting to spill over.

He looked sympathetic.

"Come over here. You can go to the back bar. We'll send Sierra up front." He said.

I had to walk back past Brandon to leave the bar. I was so upset at him for doing this to me, now at work, and for almost making me cry, in front of everyone! I shoved him as hard as I could up against the beer cooler.

"You're a piece of shit!" I yelled over the loud music as I stormed off.

The rest of the night went by without incident.

I still don't understand why he's doing this to me.

I just want to move on!



Maybe The Good Guy will be a nice distraction, or even a rebound.

I'm getting a bikini wax Wednesday. ((Sigh))

Perhaps I'll give him a call...

Moving

When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.

Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.

((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.

I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.

My Mom Stole My Weed (Thursday Night: Part II)

Tonight after work, Brandon walked up to the bar and said, "Hey."
I ignored him. Surely, he couldn't be talking to me.
"Hey, Peyton."
I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Yes?"
"Could you bring my glasses tomorrow?"
"Can I bring your glasses." I made it a statement.
"Yea...it's just a question..."
I didn't stop what I was doing, so as not to give him my full attention, and mostly, because I can't bear to look him in the eye.
"Yea, I have a whole bag of your shit, it's just at my place."
"So...should I wait?"
"Wait for what?"
"Well you said you had a bunch of my stuff..."
"Yea, at home. I'll bring it tomorrow." I walked off.
"There's no need for you to be hostile." He said.
"Look, Brandon, I just...don't wanna talk to you ok?"
"Why? I don't understand why you're mad at me?"
"You don't understand??" I sighed in frustrated exasperation. "Just...leave me alone, there is no reason for us to continue this conversation, and I have nothing else to say to you. I'll bring your shit tomorrow." I slammed the check presenter shut that I was wiping.
He finally walked off.

I can't believe he thinks I'm just gonna be nice to him, after all the hurtful things he said to me. What, like I'm just supposed to act like it never happened, and everything is hunkydorey!?!?
((Sigh))
After he left, Greg asked me what Brandon had asked for. I replayed the conversation for him.
"Do you think I was being too...hostile?"
"No, baby! Not at all, he said some really mean things to you, and there's no reason for you to not feel that way. Let him deal with it." Greg reassured me.

As soon as we finished counting tips, Greg's phone started ringing, he held it out to show me that it was Brandon calling. They chatted for a minute, Greg glanced my way a few times, then they hung up.
"He wants you to call him. He says you guys need to talk."
"ME?? No way! I am not calling him. Why does he suddenly want to talk??"
"I dunno, he said he's been blowing up your phone or something."
I checked my phone, no missed called, but 3 new texts.

1) We need to talk
2) Is this how you handle things? I know you have a least a little care for me. I don't like doing this. Will you call me please when you get off.
3) I don't want to argue with you. I just want to make simple peace with you. You can't avoid me. I work with you Peyton. It's just going to get worse if you keep building this hate for me.

Now, before you all go taking his side, let me just point out a few things.

1) Exactly a week ago, I wanted to talk. Before we broke up, before any of this shit went down, I sent him a very similar text, asking him to call me when he got off, or stop by, because I really wanted to talk to him. He didn't even do me the courtesy of responding. Why does he suddenly care?? Why is talking so important now that we're broken up, but it didn't matter when we were together?!? WTF?!???
2) I am so hurt right now, everything he said to me... And all signs are pointing to he wants to fuck some other girl(s)...so yes. This is how I'm handling it. I'm channeling my hurt, into anger. Towards him. Because if I can't get him out of my sight, I can't get him out of my mind. And the more I think about it, the more it hurts, and the harder it is for me to move on.
3) Peace? PEACE?!?!?! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART, YOU BASTARD! I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR FUCKING BEST BUDDY! AND IT SURE IS HELL ISN'T MY JOB TO MAKE LIFE MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU! The only reason he even suddenly cares is because work is becoming hard, inconvenient. It's always about him! And you know what??? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! Grow a pair of balls, and deal with it yourself you fucking pussy, because I'm not going to help you make your life easier any more. I'm done. Done wasting my words, my time, my effort, and my emotions on you, if I can help it. So, no. We will not make "simple peace" just so you can go to work, and slap a smile on your face, and pretend everything is fine when IT'S NOT.
((Sigh!))

I'm fine at work. I can do my job without talking to him or acting like we're friends. It's not my problem if he can't.

Greg followed me home to pick up some weed I owe him for agreeing to help me move this weekend. When we got to my place, the weed was gone. My mom, did something with it! Ughhhh... She was helping me pack today, and I left before her, so she must've found it. Just fucking great. I'm definitely going to have to have an interesting phone conversation with my mom tomorrow. Ughh... And now I have nothing to offer Greg as payment for helping me. But he's a sweetheart so he said he'll still help. He ended up hanging out for about an hour and talking with me about the Brandon situation. Apparently they talked on the phone the whole way to my place. Brandon said he really wants to talk to me and "work things out". But I told Greg how I feel. That is, everything I wrote above. And he said he completely understands, and that everything I said is justifiable. Apparently, Brandon doesn't think he said anything mean to me. He said something like,
"What, I didn't cheat on her or do anything bad! I've had my heart broken way worse by girls who have cheated on me blabla..."
Of course, but this isn't about him, or his feelings. It's about me and my feelings. You can't compare his past breakups to this one! I told all this to Greg, and he agreed.
He still thinks we should talk though. But I told him, the bottom line is, there's nothing Brandon can say, no answers he can give me, whether truthful or not, that will make me feel better. I'd rather just...not talk to him at all. Anything he says, is only gonna make the pain cut deeper, and last longer. I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
And again, the only reason he even cares, is because something in his life that was once easy, is now complicated. He's not worried about me! He's not concerned about my well being! He's worried about himself. Fuck him. Fuck his self-interests.
I gave him everything. Everything I had. Everything I would have wanted, and more. And he just said...no.
I don't want it.
It's not good enough.
You're not pretty enough.
And he threw it all back in my face. That is how I feel. And I just...cannot reconcile with someone who makes me feel that way.
It's the worst feeling. To give everything you have, and it not be enough. To love, with abandon, so wholly, so completely, despite everything, and...just be...cast aside.

As for the other things, i.e. taking a class, focusing on my career. I'm 3 steps ahead of you guys. I've updated my resume, and sent it out to a few people I know in the industry I wanna work in. And I've started taking piano lessons again. So...I'm doing everything I can so keep myself together. Piano is a really good outlet for my emotions. And I'm just hoping, so hard, that I'll find a job, and soon, and that I can get the hell out of the bar, and away from Brandon for good.

Changes In The Wind

The weirdest/funniest thing I've seen in a long time happened at work the other night. It was closing time, I'm entering tips into the computer, and there are these four British guys standing at the bar, waiting to close their tabs. They're all in good spirits, laughing and joking, yelling out British exclamations like, "Bloody hell!" and "Bollucks!" Lol.

Then, before I realized what he was doing, one of the guys unzips his fly, pulls out his package, and carefully places his testicles on the bar! It was pretty hilarious, and gross at the same time. But definitely the strangest thing I've seen in the bar to-date. The managers weren't too pleased about it, if you can imagine.

((Sigh)) But anyways, I've been really stressed out lately about bills. It's been slow at the bar, and I haven't been getting as many shifts as usual. Actually, nobody's been getting as many shifts as usual. They've been giving a lot of our closing weekday shifts to the managers, which, in turn, is screwing us over. I have no idea why. And I'm moving in 2 weeks, so I've got extra bills to pay this month, and I'm already behind. UGh... I dunno what I'm gonna do!!
And every time I get stressed out like this, (last time it was about my mom), it starts to bleed into my relationship with Brandon. And I get tense, and over analyze things, and I ask him tons of stupid questions, and I end up pushing him away. It hasn't gotten to that point yet, but I'm afraid it will. Lately, I just feel like we have too many rules! He's not a very touchy-feely person, so I'm not allowed to touch him so much. And I just really like to touch him! His skin is so soft, and his muscles are so hard, and I just love running my hands all over his chest...ahhhh... But every time I have the urge to reach out to him, caress him, squeeze him, play with him, I have to resist, because I know he gets annoyed by it. And ever since I've read The Five Love Languages, I've been hyper-aware of those things. Because he doesn't respond to physical touch the way I do. ((Sigh)) I gave him that book to read in the middle of last month, and he's only just started to really read it. And I feel like we're never gonna get anywhere communication-wise, until he finishes it! He hates reading. He says it always makes him fall asleep. Oh bother.

More bad news, Bethany is quitting our bar. I'm so sad! But she feels like she's been screwed by the man, and she's not making enough money, and they don't appreciate her. I can understand where she's coming from I guess, but I think she takes a lot of things too personally. But either way, she's already found herself another job and she's putting in her 2 weeks on Monday. I'm just afraid that she's gonna start working at this new bar, and make all these new friends and hang out with them all the time, like we do at our bar, and then there goes my best friend! She promised me that wouldn't happen, and she reminded me that we hang out outside of work all the time, and we'll just have to make more of an effort to hang out once she's gone. But it's really gonna suck. Work just won't be the same without her, ya know? She's the funnest (yes, I consider that a word) bartender to work with!

She suggested that I come with her, but I declined. I'm not trying to stay in this industry, I'm trying to get out! I really need to find myself an actual job, I just...don't know how. I sent my resume to my aunt, who sent it to her friend in the pharmaceutical industry, so she could critique it. Apparently the woman wrote all over it, so now my aunt is sending it back to me snail mail. I just hope it gets here soon. I'd like to have a new job by Christmas!

Ok, enough about how my life is currently sucking. Sophie and Brent just got back from their Europe excursion. They're looking for apartments in Chicago, and are planning on moving early next month. So, Chicago, here I come!! I'm thinking I'll pay them a visit in October or November. That way, they're settled in and everything. But with all the holidays coming up, who knows. I might not make it to Chicago till January.

Jenna's in town for the night, so I'm meeting her and a friend for dinner around 7. I never see her anymore, and I miss her! About 6 months ago, she moved in with her boyfriend. In another city! And she rarely makes it down to Houston anymore. So tonight should be fun. Except that I have to go straight to work after that. Oh well. I'll have a couple cocktails and then hopefully I'll be in a good mood before I get to work. ((Sigh))