The Sophie Thing

I didn't speak to Sophie for about 3 weeks. I needed time to think, and my wounds were still smarting, so I needed time to heal. But healing wasn't on the agenda, because I couldn't get past the W's of it all. WHY did she do it? WHAT was she thinking? HoW could she do something like that to me? WHO is this person, really??
And I knew the only person who could give me those answers was Sophie, but I just wasn't ready to reach out to her. She tried, half-heartedly, to talk to me, through Facebook and emails, I just didn't respond, and she didn't force the issue. She obviously knew I was still upset, and now that we weren't being practically forced to spend every hour of every day together, I no longer needed to make the best of the situation. So maybe she was worried, I don't know. But finally, I reached out to her, via email.

Me, on July 5:

Hi Sister.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I’ve been sorta keeping my distance from you over the last couple weeks because I’ve been thinking and trying to figure out why the whole situation in Belize is still bothering me. Because it is. I know you apologized, and I have forgiven you, but it still hurts what you did. I guess I feel like I don’t really know you as well I thought, because the person I know you to be knows me better than anyone, and knows how much I value loyalty in my relationships. And that person would know how much what you did would hurt me. Not because of the guy, because it’s me. I’m your sister. I know you were drunk, and that was obviously a contributing factor, but it’s not a reason. It’s not a good enough explanation to me for why you would do something like that. I want to know WHY you did it. Did you think about my feelings at all?? Did it ever occur to you when you noticed I was gone, why I may have left? Did you even NOTICE that I was gone?? And as much as I’ve been thinking about it and trying to figure it out, I can only come to the conclusion that I don’t really know you that well anymore. I guess I just don’t get what could motivate you to commit a betrayal like that so flippantly, without even thinking of my feelings AT ALL. Most of the time, you play the role of the older sibling, and I let you, because it’s your nature, and because I’ve never thought of myself as the responsible, role-model type. But there are some things I am wiser about than you, believe it or not.  I’m your big sister, and I have loved you, respected you, cherished you, and rejoiced in our relationship because I know it’s a rare and valuable thing. Every time I talk to Jenna, I’m reminded how special it is to have a sister that is also a best friend. So as your sister, and best friend, I want you to know this stuff. And I need an explanation from you.

You’ve changed a lot over the past couple years, and some of the choices you’ve made in your life have stood out in particular, as evidence of that change. And I think I’ve always been supportive, and adaptive to your lifestyle, or at least I really tried, even when I didn’t think it was right for you (e.g. the polyamorous thing). But I was always sure that deep down you were the same person. I never felt like you were a stranger to me. But the time I spent with you on the trip is making me wonder if you’re going through something. I don’t know, some sort of minor identity or life path crisis? I could just be reading into it too much. Maybe I’m the one having the crisis because I feel like the sanctity of OUR relationship has been violated. But I saw in you a shade of a person you used to be a long time ago; a person I thought you’d grown out of. That popular girl who constantly craves and needs the physical attention of the men around her. I couldn’t reconcile it at first, but then it occurred to me that I felt like I was in 8th grade again. That dorky reject with the popular younger sister, who has a new boyfriend every week. That night you made me feel like that girl again. Like a hovering, unwanted presence. And I don't want you to think I'm just sitting here judging you, because I'm not. I’m just trying to understand what is, or was, going on with you, if anything. 

Love,

Sister

Sophie, on July 5:

Hi Sister,

Thanks for your email and for expressing more about what's been going on internally for you. I have noticed that you've been keeping your distance, and I wasn't exactly sure how to respond to it. I figured it might be something related to what happened on your trip, but I wasn't sure if you just needed time, or if should do something or say something. Anyway, I am grateful that you reached out to me.

There are a lot of questions in your email, and I will try my best to not leave anything unanswered, but I think the key issue here is that you feel like I've changed as a person and that scares you because you feel like you don't know me anymore. I think that I have definitely changed, over the past year - but not in ways that were reflected in my actions that night. If anything, the way I behaved was more of a regression from the growth I think I've made. And I don't have any neatly fitting explanation to psychologically excuse it all away. But, I can share with you a bit of what I've been reflecting on for a while, and that your questions and points in your email bring up.

I am a person who always has my shit together. Who always has a plan, a direction, a schedule, a routine, a goal. Who always feels like I have to be the one to take charge of a situation, lead and watch out for others, make sure everything goes smoothly and that everyone's having a good time. For the most part, I like that about myself, I know it is a fundamental part of who I am, and I accept it. But sometimes, it is fucking exhausting.

I've had to embrace that role in many of my relationships - sometimes, it is just something that comes naturally to me, like in our relationship, as well as within many of my friend groups. In my relationship with Brent, it was a big factor as well. I was the one who wanted to join the Peace Corps, and he agreed. Which meant we had to get married, and he agreed. I was the one who wanted to move to Chicago, and he agreed. And then start graduate school, and encourage him to do the same, and he agreed. Every major decision for both of our lives was made by me. Which is wonderful in some ways, because I always felt I was free to make my own choices, as was Brent, and if we both wanted the same thing, then it would continue to work out. But eventually, the stress of that became really taxing, and affected other aspects of our relationship...

While you are, of course, one of the people who knows me better than anyone, there are some parts of my life I've always been reluctant to share with you, or that we just never really talked about much, and sex is one of those things. Maybe it was because I was married, and it seemed weird to share it, or maybe it is just general shame/guilt around sex that I've been carrying around my whole life because of our upbringing, I don't know. It took great effort for me to tell you about the polyamory thing, and I knew you wouldn't necessarily be on board with the idea, but I wanted to tell you because I wanted you to know me. And I do appreciate that you accepted it. But, we never talked about it much beyond that.

A very significant factor in the reason why Brent and I chose to become polyamorous, and are no longer together now, is because I lost interest in him, sexually. I still loved him, enjoyed spending time with him, respected him as a person, etc. But after being the decision-making, responsible, guiding person in the relationship for so long, it became harder and harder for me to see him in a sexual way. I tried really hard. I felt really guilty. He felt rejected and undesirable, of course. Which made me feel guiltier and angry at myself for not being able to do such a simple thing - to have sexual interest in this person that I loved. This went on for years...

At first, I thought it was just a natural decline in my sex drive in general. That had happened to Brent before, and I had all those feelings of being rejected and undesirable, so I knew how bad it must feel for him, and I thought that if I just waited and kept trying, it would come back. It didn't, and I realized that I did have sexual interest in other people. Then we decided to open our relationship, and I learned a lot in that process, but that's another conversation. Ultimately, the situation between me and Brent didn't change. And eventually, I had to accept that it wasn't going to, that I couldn't force it, and all the talking about it and crying about it and going to therapy and talking about it some more was only making me feel worse and guiltier and not changing the situation. So, I was the one who said we should end our relationship, and he agreed. I was the one who said we should get a divorce, and he agreed.

So, after being in the same relationship for almost all of my adult life and then finding myself 27 and divorced, at a time when most of my friends were just getting engaged or married, I realized that I wanted to make some serious life changes and test myself and learn more about myself, and really just be out on my own. Which is a big part of the reason I came to Guatemala. I needed a change, and I wanted to see what it would be like to go off of the obvious path of life that I always felt I was supposed to take - to get a good job, work hard, be ambitious, start a family. I wanted to see what it might be like, what I might be like, living without a strict plan.

For the most part, it's been great. And I've found that I really enjoyed it, and it was challenging not knowing what's coming next, and I was afraid, and that was okay. I don't need to worry about the future so much. I also learned that, now having discovered that I can live that way if I want to, I still prefer to have a plan. I like having purpose and direction, and I'm an action-oriented person in that regard - I thrive when I have something to work toward and am taking the steps toward it. Now that I've decided I want to pursue my PhD, I'm very driven in that, and I've been really focused on reaching out to professors, writing my statement of purpose, doing research into my area of interest, etc. It's who I am. I'm happy with it.

But every once in a while, holding that all together, being responsible and having my shit together and sticking to my lists and my schedule and all of those other certainties...it just falls apart. Every once in a while, and usually under the influence of alcohol, I have a really reckless night that I tend to regret afterward. And I'm noticing that this is a pattern of destructive behavior that I need to be more aware of and I need to stop. Alcohol isn't an excuse, it's just one factor. Sex is also usually involved. And yea, I think having male attention to boost my self-esteem in some way is a part of it as well. Normally, I take more pride in and find more self-worth in my intellect, my work, my place in the world, rather than my appearance. That's something I've had to learn - to literally re-train my brain to think in those ways, to value myself, to stop hating my body and just accepting it and loving myself for better reasons. It's been hard, it takes work, and it's much easier to just seek male attention that seems to do all that for you, in the moment.

One night, while Brent and I were still together but seeing other people, I went out with some friends. This guy I was sort of seeing came and met me out, really late as the bar was closing. I was already rather drunk, and he bought us two more drinks which we had to finish quickly before the place closed. I slammed it without a second thought. He had a car and offered me a ride, so I said goodbye to my friends and went with him. We went back to his place, we smoked some weed, we went upstairs to his room, and by this time, I was pretty fucked up, but still could have made better choices. We had sex, and I spent the night. I didn't call or text Brent to let him know I wasn't coming home, none of my friends knew where I had ended up, and I didn't make the effort to get myself home so that Brent wouldn't be worried. I didn't even look at my phone. I woke up the next morning because Kal (the guy's) boss called him, waking us up. He was looking for me. I got my phone and had probably 50 missed calls, mostly from Brent. He had been worried. He had called the police. He called all my friends, they told him I was with Kal (who we knew through work), they got the phone number of the org. Kal worked for and called it, and then Kal's boss called him, and the whole thing was this huge, terrible, and completely avoidable mess. I hurt Brent, I put Kal in an awkward situation, I got my friends unnecessarily involved - and all for what? For one stupid night of me being careless.

This was probably the most extreme example, but not a completely isolated incident. Somewhat similar things have happened before. And one of them happened that night while you were here. And so, I recognize this is a pattern, and a very unhealthy one. Not one that is repeated very frequently, but a persistent pattern, nonetheless.

So, to attempt to answer your questions. I can't really say why I did it. Probably out of insecurity, mainly. Did I think about your feelings at all? Honestly, no, not in that moment. Not until the next morning, and then felt awful. If I had thought of your feelings, I don't think I would have made the choices I did. But, I didn't think of them. I didn't think of anything but myself and my own stupid reckless and careless rampage. To be honest, most of it is a total blur. I was MUCH drunker than I have been in a VERY long time, but I acknowledge and own that I made the choice to get that drunk. Which was also inconsiderate and stupid. I didn't think about why you might have left, I didn't notice that you had left, I had no concept of the passage of time, and don't clearly remember the order of events. I remember snatches of that night, and what I do remember mostly embarrasses me. I don't like seeing myself as the person I was behaving as that night either.

I, of course, know that loyalty in friendships is very important to you. And honestly, if I would have even had the faculties or the consideration to think at all before acting, I would have thought about that. But, this is going to sound stupid, but it really had nothing to do with you. It wasn't you, it was me. I would have probably done the same regardless of who I was with that night, because I wasn't thinking about how my actions would affect other people at all. Or even how they would affect myself. Really, I wasn't thinking. Just doing. And didn't even fully realize what I was doing while I was doing it.

So, I guess to attempt to tie all this together - I have changed in recent years. The aftermath of my relationship with Brent has affected me, the divorce has affected me, the move to Guatemala has affected me. But I think I've come out of those things mostly with positive changes. I have a better sense of who I am now, I have finally come out of a depression I was experiencing for many years, I am more optimistic about my future, more accepting of myself, more tolerant and accepting of others, and more willing to try new things and test my limits and challenge my boundaries, while still recognizing that sometimes, I have those boundaries for a reason and they're a good thing. But clearly there are issues I still need to work through and areas in which I still need to improve.

I guess some part of me hasn't grown out of the girl I was in middle school, and I don't even really know how, at that time, I came to be that way...I guess upon entering public school, because I somehow suddenly stuck out as pretty and became popular at that time, it gave me the approval of others around me, it made me automatically liked by people who didn't even know me, and deep down, I'm pretty shy, so I felt like I needed that. Or I, at least, enjoyed it because it assuaged my insecurities and allowed me to not have to deal with them, to not have to work on reconciling myself to myself.

This incident in Belize, which is a part of a pattern of destructive behaviors, is one of those things I need to work on changing still. It is not a part of the changes that have occurred in me, it is an old pattern of behavior that still needs changing. And I can honestly say that I am glad you had such a strong reaction to it. I am glad that you expressed your anger. I think it is the limit for me, if that makes sense. It's the reality check I needed to show me that this pattern of behavior can't continue. That it's harmful and hurtful to others, and to me. Which means I need to find other, healthy outlets for the stress and anxiety and pressure I sometimes feel as a result of the standards I normally hold myself to and the role I normally play, or I need to go easier on myself when it comes to those things. I still have some figuring it out to do. 

All I can tell you is that I'm deeply sorry for how my behavior affected you. And I'm embarrassed of the way I acted and am sorry that you had to witness it. It had absolutely nothing to do with my feelings about or relationship with you, and I'm sorry that it had an impact on that as well.

There are still things you don't know about me, or sides of me you've probably haven't seen much of...topics that we just tend not to discuss, or contexts in which we haven't been together. And I'm still changing, and always will be. And I tend to keep a lot of stuff inside, and it's hard for me to really share who I am with other people. But, I want you to know me. And if nothing else, I hope this helps a little in that regard.

I love you, and I appreciate your concern.

Love,

   Sister

Me on July 8:

HI Sister,

Sorry for taking so long to respond; I didn't mean for it to go this long. At first I was just thinking about what I wanted to say, and then I just...didn't wanna think about it at all, and I kinda just left it longer than I meant to. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to explain to me some of the things that have been going on with you. A lot of what you told me about you and Brent's relationship, I sort of already knew. Either from just being around the 2 of you, or based on things you've said in the past. As far as the polyamory thing goes, when you guys told me that, it alarmed me because I recognized it as a symptom of unhappiness, not as this...period of marital enlightenment that you guys were making it out to be. And that's why I had a problem with it. I didn't think it was the right way to go about trying to fix your relationship. I know it can be emotionally taxing to be in a relationship (any kind of relationship) that forces you into the role of caregiver/adult/responsibility all the time. That's how I felt in my relationship with Abbie. Ha. To be honest, that side of me kind of scares me, because I don't like thinking of myself as the motherly sort; I equate it with being old for some reason. Maybe that's part of the reason I always let you take control of situations when we're together. If you would rather not always play that role when we're together, that's totally ok with me. In the case of our trip, I just thought it would be easier for both of us because you know the area better than I do, you speak Spanish, etc. 

As far as changing goes, I do believe we are constantly in the process of becoming who we are supposed to be. Actually, when I reflect on just the past 5 or 6 years of my life, I made a lot of drastic changes, and I think just from one year to the next, I became a very different person. Not so much when I was younger, but mid-20's to 30's has been a big change for me, and I think that' normal. It's obviously different for everyone, but it's important to be aware of the changes, and for there to be some intent behind it. Self-awareness is a rare and wonderful thing. Not many people have it. And I think your last email shows that you do, so that's good. 

Recognizing your pattern of destructive behavior is also good. I do remember that incident in Chicago with Kal. I was one of the people calling you that morning. I had forgotten about it till now, but Brent did call me pretty early that morning, worried. I can't really offer much advice on how to prevent this from happening, because it's never really happened to me. I mean, sure, there have been several times I've gone out, gotten shit-faced and had some regrets in the morning. But my actions never affected anyone but myself, and maybe the other people I was drinking with. I'm really good at drinking nowadays. Haha. I don't really know how I do it, but I manage to get just barely drunk enough to feel good, and then just maintain that. So I never black out or do anything too dumb. There are exceptions to this of course, but generally I'm pretty good about knowing when to stop. Maybe that's just because I used to drink more in my early 20's and I learned my hard limits, or maybe it's just because I hate that feeling of not being in control of my body. (That's why I have no interest in hard drugs) I dunno, maybe it's just because I'm 31 now, and I get hangovers much more easily. The only advice I can give you is to rely more on the people you go out drinking with. You and I don't go out much together, and I like getting drunk with you, so I wasn't paying much attention to how many drinks you had that night. But in the future, I will. When I go out with Taryn and we get wasted, we always take care of each other. It's just understood. And that's important, not only to prevent you from making stupid decisions, but for safety's sake.

You're right that we were raised to think sex is bad and shameful and therefore you should never talk about it. And we are definitely products of our upbringing, but I DON'T really think there's anything shameful about sex. And I don't have a problem talking about it with you. I just don't really go into many details about my sex life with anyone. Unless it's like a funny story or something. I'm just kind of a private person when it comes to that, but I don't feel more uncomfortable talking about it with you than any of my other friends. And I hope you don't think I was judging you because you wanted to have sex with someone on the trip. Because I don't have a problem with that at all. I just think it's important to be cognitive and responsible about it. There's a reason I've never gotten pregnant or had STD/STI's in my life, and that' because I'm careful. It's also partly cuz I'm celibate. Which is unfortunate, and not really my choice. :/ Last night I went on a tinder date with a guy who turned out to be an ex con. FML. Well, this concludes my email. We don't have to talk about the thing in Belize again, I feel much better about it now. I mean it's no longer keeping me up at night, so we can just move on. Well I'm starving so I'm gonna go make breakfast. Bye!

Love,

Shsiter (<--- that's what I just typed. wtf.)

Our emails continued, but it's not important to include them here. I genuinely felt much better about the situation, and something about being back in the States made it easier to move on and forget it. It was sort of like a bad dream I had. And I'm thankful and lucky to say that I can look back on our Belize trip fondly now, despite what happened. It's no longer a tainted memory. Just sort of a blur.

The John Thing

When I came back from C.A. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally, and I had a lot to think about. With John, and with Sophie. The John thing seemed like it needed more immediate addressing however, and I wasn't quite ready to talk with Sophie about The Thing That Happened. I was still processing, and I needed the time away from her (finally) to think about it.
The John thing consumed my mind for days. Mostly because I was so caught off guard by the whole thing, and because I was so on the fence about what to do. At one time it had seemed so much more cut and dry. I was interested in him, he was interested in me, but it just never happened due to timing and distance. But now that the opportunity was really presenting itself, it felt...off. I dunno. Like I said in my last post, I felt I had already shut the door on this, and now it was open again, and I was peering in, but not ready to cross the threshold. So I analyzed, and overanalyzed, like I am wont to do. How would it work? He still lives in another state. I don't really want to be in a long distance relationship, but just starting out it would be silly for either of us to move. That would put things on a way more serious level right off the bat. So, what to do, what to do? And do I even wanna try to move on with this guy? I mean his track record isn't exactly promising. Years and years of saying stuff to me, and telling me he's gonna do things and never actually coming through. He's flaky! And he's an odd bird. He's bad at communicating and too hard to read. So that would also need to be addressed, but it's not like I can turn him into someone he's not! And I'm also not attracted to him anymore the way I used to be. I mean I still think he is attractive, I just...I'm not attracted to him anymore. I know, I'm shallow, it's a problem. It's not that I think looks are the only thing that matter, cuz I don't, intelligence and humor, and some degree of success (as in, you're not living in your moms basement) are also very important, but if I don't find the person physically attractive, I won't ever be able to get past it. And the kicker to all this is, I really wanted to like him, and to be into it, I just wasn't. So I kept trying to talk myself into it. And I told myself I was being silly and ridiculous to let a good guy go, and I should at least give it a shot and see what happens. So after 3 days, I texted John, and we had this little gem of a conversation, which somehow spanned over a couple days.

I didn't speak to him again till September. I spent a couple days after that conversation sort of reeling, but... Fuck it. That's exactly the conclusion I came to.

Central America: The Final Chapter

So we're sitting at that restaurant, eating, awkwardly, and suddenly I feel like I'm going to shit my pants. Lol. My stomach had been feeling a little weird. So I excuse myself, and set out in search of the bathroom, very hurriedly! Of course, when I find it, I need a key, so I'm farting as silently as possible as I run to the bar to get it. When I finally made it to the bathroom, I discovered that I had, in actuality, shat my pants! Never trust a fart. Ugh. Thank god I was in a bathing suit and wearing a loose cover up. And thank god it was a private, one-stall bathroom and no one else was at that restaurant! I whisked off my bikini bottoms and ran them under the faucet, added a little soap and scrubbed. It was like, a turd in my pants, just a little shart, haha. Sorry if that's TMI, but THIS is how my morning started, guys! And because I was fighting with my sister, I couldn't even tell her and then share a laugh about it. But it was fine, and I felt a lot better after using the bathroom, and no one was any the wiser!
So after breakfast, we meet John and our snorkel guide, Kirk, at the dock. Kirk was so nice, he bought us giant bottles of water and gatorade, both of which we all needed after our night of drinking. And, best of all, he showed up with Sophie's clothes. The embarrassed look on her face when he gave them to her was almost worth all the shit she put me through.
I was trying so hard on our 1 hour trip out to the Cayes to play it cool, and not let on how pissed I was, because I didn't want John to pick up on anything. The less explaining I had to do, the better. Once we got there though, it was easy to just forget everything that had happened the night before, because it was SOOO BEAUTIFUL. The water was as clear as glass, and turquoise everywhere! It was a tropical paradise in every sense of the word and I was just soaking in the sights and wishing I had my Mark IV to take photos! But of course, I didn't bring that because it would have gotten wet. And the snorkeling was so much fun! We saw tons of beautiful corals and fish, and we swam with sea turtles and touched nurse sharks, and searched for conch shells! It was amazing. Around lunch time we took the boat to a PRIVATE ISLAND for lunch! It's own by a fancy resort, but anyone can eat there. It had the most amazing view. Since I wasn't feeling very conversational, I went and sat in the hammock and watched the pelicans diving, while Sophie, John and Kirk were drinking and talking. We went out for more snorkeling after that, and by the time we headed back, we were all exhausted. Kirk dropped Sophie and I off first, and we walked down the boardwalk in mostly tired silence, but my heart was pounding, because I knew I wasn't just going to let this all go.
By the time we got back to the hostel, it was threatening to boil over and all it took was Sophie making some casual small talk for me to lose it. I can't even remember what she said to me, but I'll try to recall the conversation as best I can.
Me: You know, I spent the whole day trying not to think about last night so that your SLUTFEST last night wouldn't ruin this trip, but if you think I'm just going to forget about this, you're delusional.
Sophie: ((Stunned silence))
Me: Do you even know WHY I'm mad at you?!
Sophie: Actually...no. I mean I have some ideas, but could you tell me exactly why?
Me: You spent the whole night flirting with a guy I told you I was going for! We AGREED on this! I made it very clear to you! And then, as if to prove something to me, you proceed to FUCK HIM right in front of FUCKING EVERYONE in the bar! And did you even notice that I left?? NO! You decide once isn't enough and you need to rub it in my face and fuck him right in front of me A SECOND TIME! It's not even about the guy, Sophie, I don't give a shit about him, but you KNOW ME, and you should have known how much of a betrayal that would be! If you weren't my sister, I would literally NEVER speak to you again! That would be it! Friendship over!

I said other things in the heat of the moment, and I felt really good about it too, just letting her have it. Oh yea, now I remember. She asked me if she could borrow my shampoo. During and after I screamed at her, she just had this completely blank look on her face. Maybe it was shock, because I have never, EVER yelled at my sister like that. Granted, I'd never been so hurt, betrayed or angry at her before, so I guess there's a first for everything. I didn't give her a chance to say anything though, I turned around and stormed into the bathroom, and slammed the door. I don't think she would have had anything to say right then though, because honestly, it was like all those things I had said to her, were only just occurring to her when I said them. But I was only seeing red at the time. When I got out of the shower, she was gone. That was around the time I noticed the HORRIBLE sunburn I'd gotten on my back, from being facedown in the water all day. ((sigh)) I made myself as comfortable as I could (considering my sunburn) in a hammock outside and settled in to read Drums of Autumn. I'd only been there a little while, when John approached.
He had run into Sophie on her way to buy some shampoo and she told him I was here. So he got in the hammock next to me and we chatted for a bit.
"So right after you and Sophie got off the boat, Kirk asked me if we were dating." He said.
I almost laughed out loud and sarcastically said, "Why, cuz we were so touchy-feely today on his boat?" (We didn't even sit next to each other!)
He laughed at that, and gave me a sideways glance, which was unreadable, as usual.
"Well I think he likes you."
"Hmm." Just what I need. Another complication! I ended up telling John that I was mad at Sophie, but I didn't go into the specifics. I just told him I was embarrassed and annoyed about her behavior the night before. He seemed to understand, maybe even more than he let on, but he didn't force the issue.
She returned shortly after and went inside to shower, then John left when I said I was thinking about taking a nap. But I didn't take a nap, I stayed in the hammock and read some more. Then Sophie came out.
"Peyton...?"
I looked up from my book.
"I understand why you're mad, and you have every right to be, and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry. I know it's no excuse, but I was really drunk, and I wasn't thinking about what I was doing, or how it might affect you, or me. I was just wasted. And I know I hurt you, and I'm just really, really sorry."
I couldn't look at her or say anything, I just nodded. I could feel her sincerity and her remorse, and it was validating my hurt feelings and making me want to cry, so I just didn't say anything. She went away.
About a half hour after that, I went in.
"Do you wanna go get something to eat?" I asked her.
She smiled and agreed.
I wasn't ready to forgive her, and I was still hurting, but I was ready to stop being mad. And I really DIDN'T want the short remainder of the trip to be sullied. I just wanted to move on, and have fun again. So I made the decision to make the best of it. And she's my sister. I love her. I knew eventually we'd get through it.
We went to one of the places we hadn't been to yet for dinner, and ran into none other than Kirk! I whined at him a little about my sunburn, but we told him we had a great time, and he asked if we wanted to join him for dinner tomorrow night at this "Great little place" he knew about, so we agreed. Then he disappeared for a bit, and he came back with fresh aloe for me! It was seriously a lifesaver too. I milked Sophie's guilt and made her slather my whole back with it when we got back to the hostel and then we both collapsed into bed.
The next day, I was in so much pain from my sunburn, and so physically exhausted that we really didn't do anything except lay around. John went on another dive, so he was gone the whole day. But we were supposed to go out to dinner with Kirk that night. I ended up getting talked out of that by John though, because he informed me that the restaurant Kirk wanted to take us to was expensive and romantic, and that he probably expected something from me. So I told him I was sunburned and miserable and we couldn't go. Lol. So we decided the 3 of us would go somewhere to dinner, sans Kirk, since it was mine and Sophie's last night in Belize.
So John texted me shortly after he came back from his dive, and this is how this convo went... He was Air B&Bing it there, and had roommates of sorts, sharing a beach with him, from Portland. And he had invited me to go skinny dipping at his place with them. Just in case you're wondering who the "hippies" are that we keep referring to, lol.

So that's what we did. We went to dinner, and didn't say anything else about it. It was still kinda weird though, for me at least. I told Sophie about it of course, and she told me she liked him, a lot, and she thought I should go for it, but I wasn't so sure. MONTHS and months of back and forth, and him being flaky, and the fact that I'd pretty much moved on from the idea of anything ever coming of all that... It was like reopening a door that I had shut and locked a while ago, ya know? And I was feeling so emotionally raw after everything with Sophie and I, I just couldn't deal. I wasn't equipped at the time, and there wasn't really a good way for me to explain that to John. ((Sigh)) But I sent him this message after we got back to the hostel that night.

The rest of our Central America trip was pretty bland. Just a lot of traveling, and being stuck in bus stations and on boat docks, waiting around. And most of that time was spent vacillating between my 2 options for what to do about John. Should I go for it? Or should I move on? ((Sigh)) We did go to a MidSommer Festival party with some of Sophie's Swedish friends who work with her in Guatemala. That was fun. I even danced and flirted with a cute guy, who chatted with me about journalism and photography for the better part of an hour. He got me drinks too!  I was hoping for a just a little bit of making out, but then I found out his ex was also at the party, and he seemed like he might still be into her, so I left it alone. I was heading back to the States the next day anyway.

All in all, my trip was an adventure. Like a rollercoaster with it's ups and downs. And you haven't heard the last of the drama with Sophie OR with John.

Felix the Fuckwad

Well it's been slow going the last couple of weeks, but I have a few things to report...

Work stuff. There's been a lot more drama than usual going on at work, starting with Felix, my new LEAST favorite person at work. Ugh. But before I get to that, I have to tell you that the week after next, the staff is taking a trip to Wisconsin! Which I am really excited about, but before I get to that, I have to tell you what happened with Felix. I'll start from the beginning of that story...
So you all know I've been bartending for many years, and when I started working at my current bar, I agreed to take a couple serving shifts while the owner made some scheduling adjustments to get some bar shifts. Well it's been a little over a year, and I'm still only bartending once a week, which I am not happy about. And I'm getting frustrated about it too, because once school starts, I'm gonna have to give up my Thursday shift because of class. Which means I'll only be working 2 shifts a week, and I just don't think that's gonna cut it for me. So I've sort of been toying with the idea of looking for another job, possibly. But, that's just background info. So anyways, Felix is one of the bartenders, and he also makes the schedule, so he's technically a bartender/manager, even though all he does is make the schedule. He also happens to be one of the worst bartenders we have because A) he is the least experienced, B) he's slow C) he's not very good at multitasking and D) he gets easily flustered and frustrated when it gets busy. So instead of putting his head down and busting his ass, he freaks out and tends to snap at people. Ugh. Needless to say, it's hard to respect someone like that, even if he is in a position of superiority.
A couple weeks ago Felix sent out a email to all the staff asking for volunteers to work this event on a Sunday. I volunteered to bartend, and he responded telling me that the bartending slot had already been filled, but that he still needed servers if I was interested. Well I wasn't interested, so I didn't respond. I only volunteered to bartend because he said it was going to be a cash bar, whereas the servers would just be serving plates of food which was included in a flat rate tickets. Meaning, they probably wouldn't make any money.
So a week later, Felix writes me back again:

Hi Peyton,

I wanted to follow-up with you on this. Given your availability on this date, I will need to schedule you to serve as I am still in need of 2  servers. Should things change with the bartenders, you will be the first to move into that role. I expect this to be a lucrative shift for both servers and bartenders alike. Thank you for your understanding and I appreciate you being available.

-Felix


Are you fucking kidding me?! After a week, during which I've made plans, you're just TELLING me I have to work this stupid event! He didn't even ask! He just fucking scheduled me. The fucking bastard. <-- That was my initial reaction. But then I thought about it, and I was like, "You know what? I could get mad and tell him no, or I could just suck it up and work. I need the money anyway. So I wrote him back, "Ok, no problem." Ugh.

Then the following week, I was talking with some of my other coworkers about it, because no one else had volunteered to work! DUH because they all had the same thought that I had, which is that the servers weren't going to make any money. So I decided to write Felix another email. And before I sent it, I had one of the other servers read it, just to make sure it was ok to send. This is what it said:

Hey Felix,

Quick question: Are the servers going to be tipped out for this event?? Because in my experience, usually when there's a flat rate people don't really tip and I don't wanna come in and just work for free, ya know? So I'm just curious why you think its going to be a lucrative shift. I don't mean to sound bitchy, but at the end of the day, that's kinda what counts. And I know a couple other servers who are hesitant to volunteer for this reason. So just wondering what the deal is.

Thanks,

Peyton

Keep in mind that I was writing this to a fellow bartender and peer... Well several days go by and he never bothers responding, and the other girls are asking me what the deal is, etc. And I'm like, "I don't know, he never responded."
Then finally, last Thursday I got this email, FROM MY BOSS, Caleb (the owner):

I've been in discussion with Felix regarding your concerns about serving for the event on Sun July 22nd.  To be frank, I don't think you're being bitchy with the concerns about tip money, but I do think that you are being contradictory, ignorant, and short sighted with that thought process. 

Contradictory in that you shared with me on Tuesday that you are broke, so I imagine any money is better than none at all. 

Ignorant in that if I selfishly made every decision at [bar] strictly on finances and profitability, as seems to be your main concern about 7/22, that the workplace you are currently employed in would be far less desirable than it is, while most certainly more profitable for me.

Short sighted in that just days ago I sent an email regarding an employee trip and how [bar] functions as a whole.  Please let me know of the last bar that you worked at that closed for 3 days for an employee trip.  Even with the generosity of Ronnie's parents to let us use their cabin, it will be quite an expense that I'd like to think is going to be appreciated and rewarding.

Safe to say that I was surprised, hurt, and disturbed by your concerns.  Even more so when you had alluded to other servers sharing this same concern, leading me to think that I am ignorant to a budding problem at [bar]. I consider myself to be an approachable owner & manager, and would hope that if you had any legitimate concerns, financial or otherwise, that you would speak to me about them before passing a blanket judgement.

To directly answer your question about the event, I will be sure that all workers leave with an appropriate amount of money for their services on 7/22, including adding money collected from ticket sales to whatever individual tips are left by customers.  Due to a lack of ticket sales, and a disappointing lack of support from the neighborhood association who benefit most by our hosting this event, the event may be cancelled.  If the event is confirmed for 7/22, I would expect and appreciate your help that night.

Lastly, please do not be angry with Felix sharing your email with me.  As a manager, it is his job to do so.

I'll be in Sat with my family, but would rather not discuss this at that time.  If you want to discuss on the phone before I return to work on Thus 7/19, let me know and I'll arrange it.


Needless to say I was totally shocked to receive that, and the more I thought about it, the more angry I became. First of all, I think Caleb's response was a complete overreaction, and way out of line, and just plain MEAN. Secondly, I think Felix is a little BITCH! Fucking whining to Caleb, practically hiding behind his mummy's skirts because he can't deal with shit himself. I mean if I was going to send an email to Caleb I would have worded it WAY differently! But I know it's my own fault, and I should be more conscientious of what I put in writing, since I have been known to get myself in trouble for that in the past.
I just hate passive aggressive people! Fucking grow a pair!!! UUUUUUUUUGGGGGH!!!!

Well I wrote Caleb back, apologized for offending him, and explained that I think it was just a misunderstanding, and that perhaps I am ignorant about how these events are run, and that I just wanted to be kept informed. And I told him that we do appreciate everything he does for us.
(Despite the fact that I think it's fucked up he was trying to throw the staff trip back in my face when:
1) it's supposed to be his way of thanking us as his employees, and showing his appreciation to us, not the other way around, and
2) back in Houston, we took employee trips twice a year! Not once every 4, which is pretty much what it's like here, but whatever...)

Then Caleb wrote me back, "Thanks, I appreciate it, we'll chat on Thursday", which is tomorrow.
So when I talk to him tomorrow I'm going to tell him that Felix basically forced me into working it, and that I had to cancel my plans, and that I was pissed about it. I mean if you ask people to volunteer for something, and then they do, and then you basically punish them for it, that's just...fucked up! And of course I won't say it in those words, but I'm just so fucking pissed about this whole situation because if Felix wasn't such a FUCKING PUSSY none of this would have happened!!

So now I'm back to thinking about getting a new job, as much as I cringe at the idea of job hunting, it just kinda seems like a good idea right now. I just feel like Caleb has gotten the complete wrong impression of me, and the fact that I'm still waiting tables is not helping.

But the staff trip is happening in a couple weeks, and Ronnie's parents have a cabin on Green Bay that we're gonna all stay at, and it should be a lot of fun. There aren't any boys I work with who I'm even remotely interested in though, which means there will be no romance. Booo. Oh well. Abbie, Ronnie and I will have girl time.

So that's what's up with me! Sorry it's been so long!

Date at the Diner

Thursday and Friday at work totally sucked. So by Saturday, I was ready to let loose. Work was actually decent, and Brazil texted me early on, asking if I could come over later. He had his surgery or whatever on Thursday, and had been bored at home ever since. So he said he could use some company. He was pretty sore, and the doctor told him he should stay home and take it easy. So, since Brazil lives right down the street from work, I headed to his place when I got off. We hung out for a little bit and talked. He looked pretty worn out, hadn't shaved in a couple of days, and I could tell he wasn't feeling too hot. So we went to bed shortly afterwards. But once we were in bed, things started to sort of heat up... I told him maybe he should just take it easy what with his kidneys and all, but he said he would be ok. So we had some more awesome sex! Then we cuddled and finally fell asleep shortly before 6am.
The next day, we didn't wake up till around 1! He said he had band practice, and I had a lot of piano practicing to do myself, so I decided to head home. But as I was leaving, Brazil asked if I wanted to get dinner later. I smiled and told him sure.
So I spent the rest of the day practicing and laying around the house, till he texted me to make plans. We met at a small diner halfway between both of our houses and had dinner and milkshakes. It was great! And then we both just went our separate ways and went home. Even though we went dutch, I'm still counting it as an actual date. I'm liking him more and more every time we hang out.
His ex is apparently still a problem though... On Saturday night he mentioned that she had called him, but of course, he didn't wanna talk about it. And I didn't press him for details. If he says he doesn't have any intentions of getting back with her, I'm just going to take his word for it. For now anyway. Besides, I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket just yet. Brazil and I aren't exclusive or anything, so I'm still keeping my options open.
School started today and I had one class at 1pm. It wasn't bad, but Tuesdays and Wednesdays are gonna be rough. I've got 9am classes, and that means I have to get up at 6, which has never been easy for me with my schedule. I'll be lucky if I'm asleep by 2am tonight! ((Sigh))...

Brazil's Got Baggage

In my practically post-coitus bliss Monday morning, I forgot to mention a few things regarding Brazil...
He finally came clean to me about his ex. His very recent ex... Apparently everything was copasetic until got a job promotion at the bank she works at. That was about a month ago. Then suddenly started "freaking out" and being a total bitch to him. Then on top of that, one of Brazil's friends committed suicide and she told him he was making too much of a big deal out of it. [WTF?!?] So they had a blowout and she ended things. According to him, this happened in the same week that we met. So obviously not a lot of time in between... And when he was here, he told me he was really dreading having to go over to her house the next day and pick up his stuff. He said he's not over it yet; that he's still angry with her for the way she treated him. And I mean I can totally understand that but...it's not something I wanna have to deal with either way.
So Monday night while I was at work (it was totally dead) he sent me a facebook message and I asked him about it. Here's our conversation...

Me: So how was it today?

Brazil: tough

Me: That sucks. I'm sorry.

Brazil: its cool, its just gonna take time to get over all of it

Me: Was she at least nice to you?

Brazil: yeah, she regrets it...putting pressure on me and stuff, i kinda dont wanna talk about it if you dont mind.

Me: np

Brazil: im sorry about bothering you with my baggage, its been too recent

Me: you're not bothering me. i'll let you know if you do. you know me, i don't put up with a lot of bullshit ;) and everyone has baggage.

Brazil: i get that, and as i promised i'll always be honest with you

i always tell people, I'd rather have someone hating me once for being honest, than hating me forever for being a liar. I just need to go slow, thats all

Me: good to know

Brazil: I had a good time last night :)

Me: me too

So that pretty much sums up our conversation on that topic. I just hope he doesn't still have feelings for her, or loose ends that he hasn't tied up concerning their relationship. Because I don't want to be his rebound, and I don't want to get in the middle of any drama. ((Sigh)) Should I be concerned?
I mean I understand where he's coming from, it's just....scary.

Next Time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Well, not really posted. I have a lot to write about actually, I just...haven't really been in the mood to blog. But now I have lots to write about so here goes...

Things with Todd and I have not improved. At all. In fact, I would say they're much worse. Apparently Laura told him about our conversation a few months ago, and not only did she make me out to be the devil's advocate, but she completely forgot to mention all the talking she did as well. ((Sigh)) It wasn't even like we were sitting there talking shit about Todd, we were just...commiserating. But it's my fault for thinking I could seek solace in my best friend's ex girlfriend. So now he thinks that I said he's turned into this huge, stuck-up, douchebag, famewhore. Ugh. And I even told him that I'm really truly sorry for saying anything at all, even though it wasn't that. And he just said, "I'm not mad, I'm just shocked. Sorry doesn't cut it."
So...WTF? What else can I do??
So I just said, "Well there's nothing else I can do or say, Todd. Either you accept my apology or you don't. Is this something we're gonna be able to get past? Because I just wish things could go back to the way they were."
To which he replied, "Yes, but I don't wanna think about this right now. I just need some time."
That was like 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

But, even though my relationship with Todd is heading in a southerly direction, one of my other friendships has improved. I met up with Law School finally, and we hashed everything out. I told him that I knew about the text messages between he and Melissa, and the shit talking, and the lying, and hiding things from me. He sincerely apologized and said the only reason he didn't tell me, was because he believed he was doing the right thing. He said since Melissa and I had been friends for longer than Law School and I, he thought it was only fair to defer to me and Melissa's friendship, and she didn't want to tell me. Although I don't think I would have done the same thing in that situation, I just decided I'm not going to dwell on it. I mean, he obviously felt bad, and put in the effort to show me he felt bad, so I should just forgive and forget, right? He and Melissa hardly even talk anymore, he said. But that doesn't matter either. He and I have texted back and forth a few times through out the week, and he's called me a couple times. So things between he and I are back to normal, I would say.

In other news, lots of stuff coming up! This coming Monday is my bar's annual boat party/staff outing! I'm so excited! and then on Thursday, I leave for Orlando to go to Harry Potter Wizarding World with Dad and Sophie!!! I'm even more excited for that! Oh, and did I tell you I bought my plane ticket to Chicago for Christmas?? :D
I only have one more month of working at my day job. I can't wait till September, ahhh! I'll have my life back again! When I'm in Chicago, Sophie and I are going to visit 2 campuses of schools that I'm interested in. And once I have my days free I'm going to start spending a lot more time thinking about schools, and working on my photography portfolio. Only problem is, my lease is about to be up, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that... But that's another can of worms I'm just not ready to acknowledge yet.

Oh, and I supposed I should update you guys on Kevin. I have no updates. ((Sigh)) I stopped texting him, and he stopped texting me. Of course it was always me initiating it, so that was a red flag right there. I did run into him last night and it was just...meh. No butterflies or anxiety about seeing him, just "hey". So it's definitely over between us, if there ever was anything to end. Oh well. Better luck next time?

What's Going On With My Guys??

A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 days, surprisingly, so I'm just going to start from the beginning.

Tuesday after work, I went up to my bar because they were testing out some new menu items and the managers asked us to come try it out. So Ali and I met up, and decided to hang out at my bar till the industry party, which didn't start till 11. I almost changed my mind about going, but I was already out, so I figured what the hell.
So Ali and I were sitting in a booth, chatting and killing time, and we were both messing around on Facebook, when I noticed some pictures of Todd and Laura. Together! So I immediately texted Laura, to find out if they were back together, and she said that yes, they had started talking again, and things were going great. And you have no idea how relieved and happy I was to hear this, because...after everything that's happened, I do think that Laura is the best thing for Todd right now. I don't know about for forever, but for now I think she's good for him. And they make each other happy, so I'm happy. So I sent Todd a text message...
"Hey Todd! I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but Laura told me you 2 are talking again and I just wanted to tell you that I think that's so great and I'm really, truly happy for you guys!"

Then he responded with,

"I'm not gonna lie Peyton, I'm a little hurt by what I've heard. She told me that you called her telling her that I was dating a girl with STDs and that I had changed a lot with the whole NFL mentality. What hurts the most is that you told her a month after we had supposedly resolved things. Then I flew in and out just for your birthday cause I wanted to show you how much our friendship meant to me. That's why I haven't talked to you, just didn't know what to say..."

I was so shocked and hurt when I read that. I mean...I thought we were past this? And honestly, I can't even remember exactly what I said to Laura that day she called me. But I know I didn't tell her he was dating someone with STDs! Maybe I might have said something jokingly, or flippant, and she took it the wrong way, but I wouldn't have said that to her, even if it was true, because that would only hurt her feelings. So I wrote back,

"What?? I never said you were dating a girl with stds, I don't know who has stds or not. Honestly I do think you've changed though, not necessarily for the worst, just different. You're more distant. I don't have any feelings for you in that way anymore, and I've figured out a lot of things. I was afraid of losing you as a friend and as an important person in my life and so I thought I must have romantic feelings for you. But in retrospect, I realize that we don't have that kind of chemistry. I love you as a friend and just want you to be happy. I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Laura. And I hope for that reason, you don't feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING that happened last Feb. Laura and I did talk twice. Once on FB and once she called me and we just talked...as girls. No shit talking about you. I'm sorry that you think that. But ever since the Jayme situation I've felt very discredited as far as you're concerned. It's like you don't believe anything I say anymore."

Todd: Well that's what she said, she would have no reason to lie. Same stuff I heard from you directly while everything was going on...

Me: I'm not going to play he said she said. Believe what you want, Todd. All of that shit is in the past. I don't even think about it anymore. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. Your prerogative. Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you

Todd: Ok well thank you, with the family, let's talk soon.

Me: Ok

((Sigh))
I tried to put our conversation out of my mind after that, in order to have a good time, but I definitely thought about it most of yesterday. And today, I talked to Bethany about it, and she said I should definitely call him, or run the risk of him thinking I don't really care. So I sent him another text about 20 minutes ago, that said,

"Hey Todd. I know you're upset, and you think all these shiteous things about me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. About everything. I'm not going to try to justify my actions or even explain myself, because I feel like that would be pointless. I meant what I said about being happy for you and Laura. I really do just want the best for you. I hate arguing, or whatever it is we're doing, with you. It's just not in our dynamic. And I just...don't want to do it anymore."

Now I'm just waiting for him to respond. So! Back to Tuesday night.
I did go to the industry party, and it sucked. Ali and I went together, but it ended up just being she and I, then Greg, and his girlfriend, and Brandon. So it was really awkward. And the party itself was lame, there was no free anything, like there usually is at those kind of things, so I ended up going home around 12:30, feeling rather blue. It's still too weird for me to be around Brandon in a small group. Work is one thing but...I dunno. I just couldn't stomach it.

So yesterday, Wednesday, I texted with Kevin all day, again, waiting and wondering if and when he was ever going to ask me out, and starting to lose my patience! And I also sent a text message to Evan, who I haven't heard from in like a million years! I've been pestering him for the past week, but he hasn't been in touch. Loser! On my way home from work, he finally called me! He said he's been busy with work, and he doesn't really go out anymore, he's practically married, etc... It was kind of sad talking to him, just because we've drifted apart so much, and he's moved on to the next stage in life, and I haven't. ((Sigh))
But at least we finally talked. He said he was afraid I was going to yell at him for being MIA for so long, and I said, "Well that wasn't so bad, was it?" And he laughed, and promised to keep in touch.

When I got home, I finally just sucked it up and asked Kevin if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he took so long to respond, that I was already mentally writing him off, when he finally wrote back.

"Yes, does tomorrow count as the weekend? lol. My buddy is having his bach party in Vegas Friday-Sunday. I'd like to hang out though."

So I wrote back, "I suppose tomorrow can count ;)"

We chatted back and forth a bit more, but he didn't say anything else about us hanging out. So now we have these tentative plans for this afternoon, but I'm almost halfway expecting him to blow me off or something. ((sigh)) Ugh...

Ok so this morning, when my alarm went off, I reached over to my phone, to silence it, and noticed that I had 3 text messages.
From Law School.
That immediately woke me up.

LS: Hey...I know you don't want to talk to me. But, I actually have friends visiting from home this weekend, the first guy got in town tonight and I brought him to [my bar].
LS: I thought of you...just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you. I just got my own place, maybe you can come by sometime, or I'll see you otherwise. Ciao!
LS: And...I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I've held that in for a while, but I mean it.

So I laid in bed, thinking about what he said, and mulling things over, and I decided I should talk to him. Finally. Maybe he really is sorry. And he's definitely put in the effort to talk to me, so I should give him a second chance. ((Sigh))

So when I got to work this morning, I wrote him back...

Me: I think you misunderstand my reasons for not talking to you, [Law School]. My feelings being hurt is just...collateral damage. If you want to talk, then you better be prepared to listen.

LS: Fair enough, I will always listen no matter how bad it is, as long as it is talking, not yelling.

Me: I wasn't planning to yell, or talk shit. Just enlighten you.

LS: I understood. :) Just putting the caveat out there. How have you been otherwise?

Me: Swell.

LS: Swell as in good or swell as in the water is rising?? Haha

Me: You realize I can't just sit here and make cutsie banter with you until we hash this out, right?? Because I'm willing to talk, but I haven't decided about anything else yet. And you might not even WANT to talk to me again.

LS: Haha. I'm very aware. What I've always like about you, Peyton, is that you don't let me press buttons. I respect that, because I'll try just to see if I can.

LS: And, to be completely honest, I'm not worried about not wanting to talk to you. I think I'm pretty objective about things and have no problem saying, "my fault".

Me: Ok then.

LS: Ok, next week. Or maybe Sunday. You can pick the battle zone :)


I haven't responded to his last text yet, because I haven't decided when or where I want to meet up with him, but...I think at least this is headed in the right direction. It will feel good to finally explain to him that it wasn't him dating Melissa that hurt me the most. It was them lying to me and hiding it from me, and talking shit about me behind my back! So I'll definitely keep you guys posted on that.

But mostly, I'm worried about my relationship with Todd. I just want things to go back the way they were, before I ever told him I had feelings for him. It was stupid. I was stupid. I ruined everything. Now what??

Things That Happened...

Ok. It's time to tell the story. The story of me, Melissa and Law School.

I'm not sure how much you guys remember, so I'll try to explain from the beginning. If you do remember, feel free to skim through this.
Well...Melissa knew I liked Law School, but she started dating him anyway. They both deliberately hid it from me, she lied to me about it, and they talked all kinds of shit about me behind my back. And the way that I know this, is because Bethany and Summer found Law School's phone in a cab one night, randomly, and saw all the text messages between him and Melissa. And they were riddled with shit talking. About me.

I have always been a person who responds to pain with anger. I dunno why, it's just easier for me to get mad, than to get sad. So I lashed out at Melissa in any and every way I could, as soon as I heard all the hurtful things she had said about me. I was also a bit drunk when I did these things, and at that point, I knew there was no possibility of Melissa and I ever salvaging our "friendship". So I just let loose on her.

First, I sent her an email that said,

Melissa,

Go fuck yourself.

Love Your "BEST FRIEND",

Peyton

Then, I sent a long, (and in retrospect rather embarrassing) email to her ex boyfriend, Tim. Knowing her history with Tim, it was safe to assume they would get back together at some point, so in my hurt and angry state of mind, I just wanted her to hurt the way that I did. And I knew that telling Tim was the way to do that. The message, while truthful, was a bit gratuitous and rambling, in my intoxicated state of mind. I almost regretted it the next day, thinking, "How am I possibly going to save face the next time I run into him??" But then I just shrugged it off, and told myself I didn't care. I wasn't going to apologize to him, or to anyone else for what I had done. There was no way to go back and change it now anyways.
He never wrote back, and I actually have run into him several times since, it wasn't awkward at all, in fact, he actually seemed happy to see me! And neither of us ever mentioned that long drunken email I sent at 3am. Later on, I learned through the usual channels, that Melissa and Tim were back together, and I wondered if he ever asked her about what happened with she and I, and Law School.

But as time has gone on, I have thought less and less about Melissa. I don't even miss her actually. She was fake. Being with her was actually physically taxing. Because I never felt truly comfortable around her the way I do with my real friends, like Izzie. And it's made me realize that there are very few people I do feel truly comfortable with, who really know me.
Needless to say, I haven't put more than a second's thought to Melissa in over a month.

Until today.

I had just gotten back to the office, from lunch with my coworkers when I saw that I had 9 new text messages on my phone!
That's odd, I thought.
Two were from Taryn, and the other 7, were from Melissa.
WTF.
My heart started pounding in my chest, the way it does when I know I'm about to get into a confrontation with someone. I am very confrontational. In fact, you could almost say I live for confrontation. It doesn't always have to be hostile confrontation, it's just...I like to speak my mind. I don't understand all these passive aggressive, cold shoulder type people.
Anyways, pasted below, are her very misinformed opinions...

U know after we stopped talking & being friends I left everything alone. Didn't ever tell anyone anything u had ever said about them including ur bf's like bethany, jenna, etc. Or told Laura how the entire time u would talk to her u would talk shit about her bc u wanted Todd. I was there for u everytime u had a problem. I even gave u money when u had none. Why would u tell Tim things about me? Things u were unsure of. I feel sorry for the kind of hateful person you are. & I wasn't sleeping with [Law School] when u ran into Tim. If u really want to know I slept w/ [Law School] once & I broke it off w/ him soon after bc I knew he wasn't right for me. U sleep with EVERYONE and I never judged u or told anyone & still won't. Please stay out of my life.

Now I just want to vent.
First of all, I have only slept with 3 people since she and I have been friends! And one of those, was Brandon! So I dunno where she gets off telling me I sleep with "EVERYONE". And she apparently thinks I said something to Tim the last time I ran into him, but in fact, I have never so much as mentioned her name to him in person! After I sent him that email, on that fateful drunk night, I let it go. That was it. I would also like to know what the hell she's talking about "giving me money" like I'm some sort of charity case?? Like SHE actually has money of her own to give! She gets it all from her parents! She's almost 27 years old and she still lives with her parents, being completely supported by them until TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO. I can think of a few times when she wanted me to go out with her, but I declined because I was short on cash, and she offered to buy my drinks, if I would go out. But that's it. And I will say that I always thought her generosity was one of her best qualities, but if she's been harboring all these horrible thoughts about me all this time, then who wants her Indian Giver generosity anyway!?
And yes, I said some things about Bethany, because we were going through some shit. But I told her all that stuff to her face, and we worked it out. Same thing with Jenna! I don't think I ever really said anything bad about her except that she complains too much. And I tell her that all the time! Yes, I did talk shit about Laura. I'm not perfect. I do shitty things. I'm HUMAN. And I was JEALOUS of her. And I didn't really understand her then, (I DO still think she's a bit batty) but she and I are actually friends now. And I like her! So doesn't that count for something??
And finally, "Please stay out of my life." PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY LIFE?! Pardon my hysterics, but, HAHAHAHA!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! THIS BITCH IS FUCKED 3 TIMES TOWARDS THE WEEKEND! I have made ABSOLUTELY NO attempts to talk to her, call her, text her FB her or ANYTHING. SHE is the one reaching out to me now, just so she can take one last jab at me, because apparently what I'd attempted, on that night that our friendship ended, has finally taken hold.

I finally hurt her back.

Two Weeks.

"Hi Peyton, it's [Law School]. It's 10:30 on Tuesday...the uhhhh...19th. Um...I owed you a response, or a return phone call, and I'm not a writer, I'd rather talk. Uh...I know it's been a couple-well you probably, or you may, I dunno, probably, you may not wanna talk to me. Uuumm I can understand certain reasons why...umm but I think there's some good reasons to. Uhhh I was out of town in Ohio this last weekend, I was in Colorado for a little while, uhh and I'm about to go to China for a couple weeks so I've kinda had some busy... busy weeks but I kinda wanted to touch base with you ummm just cuz I didn't write you back. And I wanted to. Anyways, I would appreciate it if you gave me a phone call, when you have an opportunity. Uummm that's a bout it. Anyways, hope you're doin' well. Talk to you soon. Take care. Bye.
Oh! 555-5555, ...In case you deleted my number. Take care, bye."


((Sigh))

It's been 2 weeks. Two fucking weeks since I sent him an email telling him he was a coward and an asshole and if he wanted to date my friend, he should have just told me instead of going behind my back and trying to hide it from me. After which I deleted him from my Facebook.

Two whole weeks and he thinks I'm going to answer his phone calls?!?!? That I want to talk to him??? WTF. What could I POSSIBLY have to say to him?!?! I don't want anything to do with him. OR Melissa. EVER.

The only ironic thing about this situation is...he's the one trying to call me. Not Melissa.

The Girl's Rule Book

Hey everyone.

Thank you all so much for your sympathetic and encouraging comments. I am going through a lot of shit right now, and I was really upset the last time I posted. I haven't actually decided whether or not I'm going to continue with this blog or not. I might just take a break, I might stop blogging all together, or I might just start a totally new anonymous blog in some obscure spot on the internet, who knows?? But I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm dealing with this, and making lots of tough life decisions, all for the best. Melissa and I will never be friends again, obviously, and I don't really care to elaborate on that right now. But this is something that I wrote today, in light of recent events, that I feel I should share. And I think you all should share it as well. Forward it to ALL your girlfriends! And add things if you like. But I really, really think all the girls in the world today need to treat each other a lot better than they do (including myself, because I know I have been guilty of a lot of these). But hopefully this will help.

P.S. Lea, I haven't denied any comments, so maybe your computer froze up or it got lost in translation or something? Which post did you comment on? Post it again and I will for sure approve it. The only reason I have ever not posted comments in the past is if they were spam, or advertisements, or people just trying to guess who Todd is.


The Girl's Rule Book

If we all followed these rules, life would be simple, right?? Unfortunately, not everyone knows these rules, but here are some guidelines to keep in mind, particularly when it comes to girlfriends.

Treat Others As You Wish To Be Treated...
This is is pretty basic, and should be applied in all relationships, but when it comes to girlfriends, don't overlook this one. Because it is the most fundamental of rules, and pretty much encompasses everything. So think of this one as The Golden Rule.

Sharing...
At some point, you've noticed a girlfriend eyeing that new pair of shoes you just bought, or that book you can't stop raving about. If she asks you to borrow it, share it! You're friends right? And look at it this way, she will be more than willing to loan you that cocktail dress that you love. Plus, now you both have twice the closet.
With that in mind, let's not forget the rules of borrowing. If you borrow something, use it ONCE and return it, in a timely manner, and in the same condition that she gave it to you. If you lose it, damage it, or break it, replace it! If everyone did this, more people would share!

People You Don't Like...
If you hate, or dislike someone, don't expect your girlfriends to hate or dislike them too. That puts your girl in an awkward situation. How would you feel if someone you didn't even know disliked you just because her friend did? It's not cool. Just don't do it.

Fights, Disagreements and Arguments...
If you've got beef with a girlfriend, spill it to her, in a calm and rational manner. Don't be overly confrontational, or passive aggressive. Find a medium and speak to her about the problem right away, before it festers and gets worse. Do I even need to mention talking behind girlfriends' backs? Didn't think so.

Secrets...
If you're intentionally keeping something from a girlfriend, the first thing you need to ask yourself, is why? If your reasons for hiding things have her best interests in mind, then don't tell anyone else either. Because there's a good chance she'll find out anyway, and may have trouble ever trusting you again. If your reasons for hiding things have your best interests in mind, then whatever you did, or whatever you're doing, is probably wrong.

Break Up Drama...
If your girlfriend just got dumped, or just ended a relationship, be there for her! Listen if she wants to talk, give advice if she asks for it, let her lean on you if she needs to. Don't blow her off, shut her out or cut her off. Do not abandon your girlfriend in her time of need!
However, if you are the one who's just been dumped, give yourself a week, tops, to fall apart. Then get your shit together and stop crying about it. Your girlfriends can only handle so much talk about your ex, and sooner or later they're going to get sick of hearing about it and lose interest, which can cause feelings of frustration for both of you. So only allow yourself one week to cry to your friends about it, and afterwards, keep the whining to yourself. Write about it in a diary or blog if you have to.

Complaining...
Don't be a Negative Nancy, ok? So you hate school, or your job, or your roommate, or your boss, or your life?? Don't talk about it 24/7!! It just makes people not want to be around you. Who wants to sit and talk to someone who is constantly complaining and always negative? Venting is ok, but try to limit yourself to 1 rant per person. Once again, if that isn't enough, write in a blog or diary.

Your Friend's Friends...
Don't bash your girlfriend's friends. It doesn't matter if they are slovenly cave trolls, do not talk shit about them. Let her decide for herself who she wants to be friends with. I mean, she's friends with you, isn't she? Talking shit about her friends is only going to piss her off and put her on the defensive. If she asks what you think about someone, give her your unbitchy, unbiased opinion and that's it.

Your Friend's Boyfriend...
When it comes to boyfriends, you, as well as anyone else, know that people can be blinded. If your girlfriend is dating a complete asshole, you're allowed to tell her, once. And only if he's acting like an asshole.
If you are the one dating the asshole, and your friends are all telling you your boyfriend is an asshole, then he's definitely an asshole. It's easy to get defensive in these situations, so just keep in mind that your girlfriends are just looking out for you, and they have no ulterior motives for telling you your boyfriend is an asshole.

Your Friend's EX-Boyfriend...
Do not date him. Do not kiss him. Do not sleep with him. In fact, do not date/kiss/sleep with any guy that your girlfriend previously dated/kissed/slept with/had a crush on/whatever! DO NOT GO THERE!! If you do, you are entering very dangerous territory, and you should ask yourself how much you really value this friendship, if you are willing to risk all of it for some guy. Is this guy, who you're willing to throw a friendship away over, the one who's going to be consoling you after he dumps your backstabbing ass?? NO.
If there's grey area, don't ask questions, just don't go there.
As Leslie Knope says, "Uteruses before duderuses."

Apologies and Forgiveness...
If you have committed a girl on girl crime, admit you were wrong and sincerely apologize. And if you are the victim of a girl on girl crime, accept your friend's apology. Don't hold a grudge. Once the crime has been committed, there's no taking it back. And if she sincerely apologizes, there's nothing else she can do, so there's no point in torturing her with weeks of silent treatment. You should just forgive her, and move on.

Advice...
Don't give advice unless it is asked for. If you ask for advice, listen. If you're not going to take the advice, then stop asking for it.

Don't Be Self-Centered...
Listen as much as you talk, and don't always be centered around your own life and problems. Ask your friend how she's doing every once in a while.

$$$$$...
If you owe your girlfriend money, pay her back! Don't avoid the subject either, because it's just as awkward for her to ask you for her money back. She was willing to help you out in a time of need, so at least be respectful enough to let her know when you'll be able to pay her back.
If your girlfriend is asking to borrow money, you don't have to say yes. Everyone has different feelings about money and friendships. Just tell her nicely that you're not comfortable loaning money to friends. But if you agree to loan her the money, tell her upfront when and how you want to be paid back, so that there is no confusion later on down the road.

Competing...
Don't be competitive with your girlfriends. Life is not a competition, and you're surely not going to win if you lose all your friends in the process. It doesn't matter who's skinnier, who's smarter, who got the most phone numbers last night, or who makes the most money. Those things aren't going to make you happy in the long run.

Respect Her Space...
Don't be clingy. Don't expect your girlfriend to spend all her free time with you. Don't expect to be invited to everything. Everyone has different groups of friends, and sometimes those groups don't mesh. So if you weren't invited to a get together, give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt.

Respect Her Feelings...
On the flipside, don't leave your girlfriend out either. Be considerate of her feelings, and don't always forget to invite her when you go out. If you have mutual friends, she's probably going to hear about it, and her feelings will be hurt. I mean hey, the more the merrier!

Remember What You Deserve...
By now you're probably thinking you've been guilty of breaking some of these rules, but that's ok! Because we ALL have. Just keep in mind that you deserve to be treated according to these rules as well. And if you have a girlfriend who is a repeat offender, tell her! If she doesn't respond, or care, well then she's obviously not a true friend. We all love and (hopefully) respect our girlfriends, and deserve to be treated with love and respect in return.

Back Off

I don't even know where to start. I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit. ((sigh))

Yesterday, I got an email from Melissa. This is what it said...

"Hey, I'm writing bc I needed to let you know something that I think you should know. Not this past wkend, but the wkend before that I ran into Law School and we started talking (he was out with Mitchell) and then we talked on fb. I know you don't have feelings for him, but I just didn't want you to get upset and think I was trying to talk to him behind your back. I've been so busy with the new job and getting up so early and going to bed so early that it slipped my mind especially since he wasn't even in town this past wkend. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

I texted her back,

P: Hey I got your email. So you and Law School are talking?

M: Well not talking, but we've talked. How do you feel about him. I know that you had a thing for him and that yall kissed so I wanted to see how you felt about us.

P: About you and Law School???

M: Yes

M: I'm not going to do something to hurt you especially on purpose. I mean you've talked gone out with other guys, but u never told me how u guys stood.

P: I feel like if you dated him that would be really fucked up, and I can't deal with another one of those situations, and I'm not going to.

M: Ok

P: We are friends, obviously, but I still have some feelings for him, I'm just trying to suppress them I guess. I talked to him yesterday, we just haven't seen each other in a while cuz he's been out of town. And I feel really hurt, bc I kind of knew this would happen cuz it ALWAYS DOES.

P: I don't feel about him the way I do about Todd, but the situations are too similar. It's just...resurfacing all this shit I've been trying to deal with.

M: I understand and that's why I'm asking you I'm not arguing with you.

P: I know, I'm just telling you how I feel. And just like with Jayme, I'm not going to tell you to not date him. Do whatever you want.

M: And you really think I would date him knowing that you're this upset by it. I thought u liked Law School back then, but that nothing came out of it. You never mentioned yall dating or whatnot and u told me yall went to the Christmas thing as friends. I didn't think u liked him enough to compare this to ur situation with Todd who you've always cared for. I thought that when yall met since u were with Brandon, it was just an attraction. It's done now so it doesn't matter.


I didn't write back after that. I was too upset. How could she do this to me, NOW, of all times!?!?? After all the bullshit I just went through with Todd!? And she knew I liked Law School, and she knew I wouldn't like them dating, otherwise she never would have written me an email about it. Ugh....

I thought about it all day yesterday. I mean, what are the fucking chances? I swear, the next guy I date is never going to meet any of my girlfriends until I have a fucking ring on my finger.

So I wrote Melissa an email today. Here it is...

"A couple things I spent the last 24 hours thinking about that I just need to tell you...

1) How could you say, "I know you don't have feelings for him"? If you KNEW I didn't have feelings for him, then why would you think I would care?? Either way, you had to know how I would feel about this situation, not just bc of what happened with Todd and jayme, but because when I came up to [my bar] that day you called me to tell me that Law School was there, I told you I was upset that he was flirting with you. And it really hurt me to see that. And you said you weren't interested, and you loved Tim, etc etc... But I thought I made it pretty clear to you how I felt about it that night. Things with me and Law School never went anywhere, but my feelings for him have always been confused, and complicated. When I met him, true, I was with Brandon, and there was an obvious attraction, I just chose to ignore it, bc I was with someone. But then when we broke up, Law School was one of the first people I thought of. And when we kissed, that night, and we talked the next day, I thought, or hoped, that it might lead somewhere. But then he appeared to either get really weirded out, or really busy. And I didn't want to force the issue, cuz he's my friend. So I pushed it out of my mind, for a while. We did make plans to hang out, a few times over the past few weeks, but he would end up calling me too late, cuz he works all the time, and then we just didn't see each other for like a month. And I'm not about to go chasing another guy, making myself look all pathetic and desperate. And I figured, he's my friend, so it's not like we'll never talk or see each other again. So I just decided to wait it out, and hope that things between us went back to normal, and then who knows?

2) How could you say we went to that Christmas party as just friends?? The whole reason I invited him was because of what had happened between us, and I wanted to see where it would go. And I even told you that he kissed me on the cheek after the party, and said, "he didn't wanna get me sick" but that I still thought that was something, since he had never kissed me on the cheek before we made out. At that point, I was totally into him, and I wanted something to develop. And HE had said to me, "What are you doing next week?" and then I invited him to the party. AS MY DATE. And everyone that was at the party knew that as well.

Either way, I feel like you had to know this would upset me, or you never would have brought it up to me this way. I seriously feel really hurt and upset. I mean, no this isn't exactly like the situation with Todd, but how could you say it's not comparable?? It's pretty much the same thing!
I am seriously in a place right now where I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I'm never going to bring a guy that I like around any of my girl friends again.

In MY rule book, you never kiss/date/talk to/WHATEVER any guy that one of your friends has previously kissed/dated/talked to. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER do that to one of my friends. If there is any gray area whatsoever, I just don't even go there. There's too much at risk. That's why I freaked out when I found out TB had slept with Alli. And at the time, Alli and I weren't even that close! I'm not accusing you of anything, or insinuating anything about you and Law School. I'm just trying to make it very clear how I feel about the situation.
And it's really coincidental that you told me about this the day after I talked to him. Bc I thought...I dunno. I guess it just doesn't matter.

And at the bottom of all of this is the fact that I'm feeling pretty shitty about myself right now. It's bad enough to get rejected over and over by guys you like just because THEY DON'T LIKE YOU. But then, to add insult to injury, they like your friend. They like your friend more than you, and they would rather be with your friend more than you. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were good friends with someone, and you had fun together, and hung out, and you liked him and hoped something would come out of it, but then you found out he was really interested in one of your friends?? Because if you can't, I can tell you it really sucks."


Ok, now before you guys get all Judgey McJudgerton on me, let me just say that, for me, Law School is one of those guys I will always be interested in, but will probably never act on, out of fear of rejection. You know, because he's my friend. Izzie thinks he's a total douche for making out with me, leading me on, and then deliberately trying to date one of my friends, which is a perspective I hadn't really considered. But...I dunno. Am I just being selfish??
I just don't understand how Melissa could have any doubts about how I would feel in this situation! I mean we were both there the night that she and Law School met, and I told her I was upset that he was flirting with her! She knew it bothered me, and assured me that she wasn't interested in him. And that wasn't really that long ago.

And as for my conversation with Law School on Sunday, I had texted him, to see if he was out. Because the previous Sunday, Taryn and I ran into him on Washington. And I thought maybe he and I could meet up. But he was actually at the airport. And then I mentioned, as an afterthought that I wished he would stop acting so weird and awkward around me, just cuz we kissed, because we shouldn't let that get in the way our friendship. And he said,

"Trust me, I haven't let that get in the way of anything. I'm not going to try and make excuses or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure that was the end of Dec, I was gone 2 weeks afterwards, then you were gone to some football games, and then I had a business trip, and then you went to the Superbowl, and I worked almost every day in March until I left for Colorado this week."

LS: I'm writing this as I'm in the car with my roommate.

Me: Dude...calm down! Lol. It just felt like you might be weirded out or something. And we're friends, so I have no problem telling you exactly what's on my mind. Sorry if that bothers you.

LS: It doesn't bother me at all...there's no hard or weird feelings at all. I know that I've been out of touch with you and and others lately.

Me: Ok well I just didn't want you to go to all that trouble to avoid me. ;)

LS: Haha...c'mon...well it's all good. I don't have any big plans coming up so we'll be able to go get a drink sometime soon.

Me: Ok well tell your roommate I said hi!

LS: Haha... Will do! Have fun at Brixx!

And that was that. So maybe he is just really busy. Who knows... But either way, I'm just so sick of this shit!!! Why does this always happen to me!?? Why can't I just find a guy who likes me?!? And why can't my "friends" just BACK OFF???!!

((Sigh))