Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Back Off

I don't even know where to start. I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit. ((sigh))

Yesterday, I got an email from Melissa. This is what it said...

"Hey, I'm writing bc I needed to let you know something that I think you should know. Not this past wkend, but the wkend before that I ran into Law School and we started talking (he was out with Mitchell) and then we talked on fb. I know you don't have feelings for him, but I just didn't want you to get upset and think I was trying to talk to him behind your back. I've been so busy with the new job and getting up so early and going to bed so early that it slipped my mind especially since he wasn't even in town this past wkend. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

I texted her back,

P: Hey I got your email. So you and Law School are talking?

M: Well not talking, but we've talked. How do you feel about him. I know that you had a thing for him and that yall kissed so I wanted to see how you felt about us.

P: About you and Law School???

M: Yes

M: I'm not going to do something to hurt you especially on purpose. I mean you've talked gone out with other guys, but u never told me how u guys stood.

P: I feel like if you dated him that would be really fucked up, and I can't deal with another one of those situations, and I'm not going to.

M: Ok

P: We are friends, obviously, but I still have some feelings for him, I'm just trying to suppress them I guess. I talked to him yesterday, we just haven't seen each other in a while cuz he's been out of town. And I feel really hurt, bc I kind of knew this would happen cuz it ALWAYS DOES.

P: I don't feel about him the way I do about Todd, but the situations are too similar. It's just...resurfacing all this shit I've been trying to deal with.

M: I understand and that's why I'm asking you I'm not arguing with you.

P: I know, I'm just telling you how I feel. And just like with Jayme, I'm not going to tell you to not date him. Do whatever you want.

M: And you really think I would date him knowing that you're this upset by it. I thought u liked Law School back then, but that nothing came out of it. You never mentioned yall dating or whatnot and u told me yall went to the Christmas thing as friends. I didn't think u liked him enough to compare this to ur situation with Todd who you've always cared for. I thought that when yall met since u were with Brandon, it was just an attraction. It's done now so it doesn't matter.

I didn't write back after that. I was too upset. How could she do this to me, NOW, of all times!?!?? After all the bullshit I just went through with Todd!? And she knew I liked Law School, and she knew I wouldn't like them dating, otherwise she never would have written me an email about it. Ugh....

I thought about it all day yesterday. I mean, what are the fucking chances? I swear, the next guy I date is never going to meet any of my girlfriends until I have a fucking ring on my finger.

So I wrote Melissa an email today. Here it is...

"A couple things I spent the last 24 hours thinking about that I just need to tell you...

1) How could you say, "I know you don't have feelings for him"? If you KNEW I didn't have feelings for him, then why would you think I would care?? Either way, you had to know how I would feel about this situation, not just bc of what happened with Todd and jayme, but because when I came up to [my bar] that day you called me to tell me that Law School was there, I told you I was upset that he was flirting with you. And it really hurt me to see that. And you said you weren't interested, and you loved Tim, etc etc... But I thought I made it pretty clear to you how I felt about it that night. Things with me and Law School never went anywhere, but my feelings for him have always been confused, and complicated. When I met him, true, I was with Brandon, and there was an obvious attraction, I just chose to ignore it, bc I was with someone. But then when we broke up, Law School was one of the first people I thought of. And when we kissed, that night, and we talked the next day, I thought, or hoped, that it might lead somewhere. But then he appeared to either get really weirded out, or really busy. And I didn't want to force the issue, cuz he's my friend. So I pushed it out of my mind, for a while. We did make plans to hang out, a few times over the past few weeks, but he would end up calling me too late, cuz he works all the time, and then we just didn't see each other for like a month. And I'm not about to go chasing another guy, making myself look all pathetic and desperate. And I figured, he's my friend, so it's not like we'll never talk or see each other again. So I just decided to wait it out, and hope that things between us went back to normal, and then who knows?

2) How could you say we went to that Christmas party as just friends?? The whole reason I invited him was because of what had happened between us, and I wanted to see where it would go. And I even told you that he kissed me on the cheek after the party, and said, "he didn't wanna get me sick" but that I still thought that was something, since he had never kissed me on the cheek before we made out. At that point, I
was totally into him, and I wanted something to develop. And HE had said to me, "What are you doing next week?" and then I invited him to the party. AS MY DATE. And everyone that was at the party knew that as well.

Either way, I feel like you had to know this would upset me, or you never would have brought it up to me this way. I seriously feel really hurt and upset. I mean, no this isn't exactly like the situation with Todd, but how could you say it's not comparable?? It's pretty much the same thing!
I am seriously in a place right now where I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I'm never going to bring a guy that I like around any of my girl friends again.

In MY rule book, you never kiss/date/talk to/WHATEVER any guy that one of your friends has previously kissed/dated/talked to. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER do that to one of my friends. If there is any gray area whatsoever, I just don't even go there. There's too much at risk. That's why I freaked out when I found out TB had slept with Alli. And at the time, Alli and I weren't even that close! I'm not accusing you of anything, or insinuating anything about you and Law School. I'm just trying to make it very clear how I feel about the situation.
And it's really coincidental that you told me about this the day after I talked to him. Bc I thought...I dunno. I guess it just doesn't matter.

And at the bottom of all of this is the fact that I'm feeling pretty shitty about myself right now. It's bad enough to get rejected over and over by guys you like just because THEY DON'T LIKE YOU. But then, to add insult to injury, they like your friend. They like your friend more than you, and they would rather be with your friend more than you. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were good friends with someone, and you had fun together, and hung out, and you liked him and hoped something would come out of it, but then you found out he was really interested in one of your friends?? Because if you can't, I can tell you it really sucks."

Ok, now before you guys get all Judgey McJudgerton on me, let me just say that, for me, Law School is one of those guys I will always be interested in, but will probably never act on, out of fear of rejection. You know, because he's my friend. Izzie thinks he's a total douche for making out with me, leading me on, and then deliberately trying to date one of my friends, which is a perspective I hadn't really considered. But...I dunno. Am I just being selfish??
I just don't understand how Melissa could have any doubts about how I would feel in this situation! I mean we were both there the night that she and Law School met, and I told her I was upset that he was flirting with her! She knew it bothered me, and assured me that she wasn't interested in him. And that wasn't really that long ago.

And as for my conversation with Law School on Sunday, I had texted him, to see if he was out. Because the previous Sunday, Taryn and I ran into him on Washington. And I thought maybe he and I could meet up. But he was actually at the airport. And then I mentioned, as an afterthought that I wished he would stop acting so weird and awkward around me, just cuz we kissed, because we shouldn't let that get in the way our friendship. And he said,

"Trust me, I haven't let that get in the way of anything. I'm not going to try and make excuses or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure that was the end of Dec, I was gone 2 weeks afterwards, then you were gone to some football games, and then I had a business trip, and then you went to the Superbowl, and I worked almost every day in March until I left for Colorado this week."

LS: I'm writing this as I'm in the car with my roommate.

Me: Dude...calm down! Lol. It just felt like you might be weirded out or something. And we're friends, so I have no problem telling you exactly what's on my mind. Sorry if that bothers you.

LS: It doesn't bother me at all...there's no hard or weird feelings at all. I know that I've been out of touch with you and and others lately.

Me: Ok well I just didn't want you to go to all that trouble to avoid me. ;)

LS: Haha...c'mon...well it's all good. I don't have any big plans coming up so we'll be able to go get a drink sometime soon.

Me: Ok well tell your roommate I said hi!

LS: Haha... Will do! Have fun at Brixx!

And that was that. So maybe he is just really busy. Who knows... But either way, I'm just so sick of this shit!!! Why does this always happen to me!?? Why can't I just find a guy who likes me?!? And why can't my "friends" just BACK OFF???!!



Autumn said...

So I have three things. LOL.

1.) Would it be possible to either link back or tag to old posts explaining more about the people? So for example Old Law School posts, because sometimes I forget everything that happened or get people mixed up.

2.)If I had the year that you had with boys/friends, I would feel the exact same way you do. Really insecure, and distrustful, and tired of it all. 100 percent. So it is with mixed feelings I say this next thing.

3.)I think you are being a little unreasonable. I think you if you are in a serious relationship with a boy (like Brandon) then it would be totally wrong for your girlfriends to date him. I think if you are just crushing on a boy, or hanging out/making out casually, and are just friends then I think he should be fair game. It's a BIG difference. Your girl friends should definitely still ask "permission" but I think you should be mature enough to want them to be able to pursue these guys and their own happiness (or at least say that on the surface even if you are pissed on the inside lol). Sorry. :/

Sarah said...

Honestly? Yes I think you're being selfish. You even said in here that you didn't really like law school. You can't just call "dibs" on every single guy you meet. I also think that it's selfish of you to get mad at your friend. All you had to say was "Yes, it would bother me if you and Law School started dating", you didn't have to rant, you didn't have to send a huge dramatic email - you just had to say "Yes, that would bother me, thanks for asking".

You're acting like a huge drama queen. You really are. I don't mean that in a "I think you're a bad person" way, I mean that in a "you're going to lose all your friends for the way you treat them". I don't think that I would be able to put up with what your friends take from you. In fact, I actually think that you're a little mean to them and you punish them and you hold grudges. It's just mean the way that you're treating these people, male and female. You cannot dictate another persons life and that is excatly what you're doing but in a passive aggressive manner.

I would grow up before you lose everyone. I'm surprised anyone sticks around that long. No wonder guys don't like you and prefer your friends, you've got baggage X 10000000000 and you're a drama queen.

I don't mean for this to be as awful as it sounds, but I think you should know how you come off. You wonder why these guys would rather date your friends, well that's it.

Peyton said...

I give up.

Lea said...

ok... so I'm not going to bust your chops. well... I'm going to be a little honest with you... but that's why you are here right?

You should have responded to your friend with something like "yeah, that feels a little weird and douchy of him to talk to you... and I appreciate you letting me know... thanks friend" ... instead you kind of unloaded on her and that wasn't very fair... she didn't do anything but fb with him and let you know that she did... that's pretty great friend behavior... ya know? I think you should write her another email and tell her thank you for letting you know, and that you overreacted in your email..

but that's my opinion... you REALLY need to stop flipping out girl... people don't like that.


Anna said...

Oh dear, don't give up! I thought Sarah's comment was really mean, whether it was intended to be or not. You don't deserve that...I can totally see where you're coming from. For what it's worth, I think that we all at various points have feelings of frustration and jealousy within our friendships. Sometimes I try to process these feelings before I actually share them with my friends, b/c I might feel differently later on. Maybe you could try giving yourself a grace period of a few days before sending super long (and slightly dramatic) e-mails? I think it would be great to just treat that sort of thing as journaling, and then maybe keep the actual conversation with your friend more direct and to the point ("I know things haven't been serious between us, but it would still bother me if you dated him, because I have unresolved feelings"). And for god's sake, if you can't post your honest feelings on your blog, then where else to do it? Lighten up people!

~J said...

While I agree that there's a line friends shouldn't cross (dating someone you dated, etc) the others do have a point. You can't expect your friends to not talk to or date any guy you've kissed, 1's that you once talked to, or crushed on.. blah blah blah, that just isn't fair. Cus really, it isn't that big of a world and if we all followed that rule, there'd be no one left to date. I personally have met some of my past b/f's from friends that dated them and just didnt have that spark there. (like you and tennis shoe guy) Would you have a problem with any of your friends dating him? Probably not, b/c you weren't really digging him, right?

I personally think the person who are mad at is the wrong 1. You should be made at him. He's the 1 that made out with you, he's the 1 that was making plans with you to go to parties as your 'date' and all, he's the 1 that has led you on in a way.. then he goes and starts hitting on your friends, while basically ignoring you? Sounds to me like he's a jerk that's just playing you. I understand there were scheduling conflicts, but seriously.. he could have made more of an effort to talk to you. Since.. uhh.. he made the effort to talk to HER. I say just say to hell with all of them and just start over.

I do want to add a tiny little thing, and pls pls pls don't take this as i'm trying to bash you in any way. I do think you sometimes fly off the handle at your friends instead of calming down, taking a breather and then come back to the situation. I have a horrible temper and swear enough to make a sailor blush, and I have learned that if I don't think (or take a breather) before I speak in situations, it just makes it 10X's worse.
Have you ever thought about going to counseling? (I was told I needed anger mngt, went to 1 class, got pissed and left! Again with my horrible temper hahah.. so that didn't work too well for me) LOL But maybe going to some sort of counseling might help you overall in your life?? I'm not saying your nuts.. not at all. I just think maybe going to talk to someone might help you organize your thoughts and feelings and all that jazz.
I know you feel completely betrayed by everyone and to some extent you have every right. (that Jayme thing would have pissed me off too.. especially if she's now talking shit about you to others) If it were me.. I would have kicked her ass LOL.. but again.. thats me and my anger 'issues' :)

Anonymous said...

Just chill. The real world doesn't much care if some dude goes out with your friend, that's what happens in life. If you like a guy, step it up and say so, but don't be angry/hurt/upset when someone else does because you dated them 3 months ago. my vote is for the Big girl panties on this one...

Rach said...


I really like you and enjoy reading your blog but I kind of have to agree with Sarah. What she said sounded a little harsh but I think maybe you should just tone it down a bit. I think you could have just said "Yeah it would bother me" and left it at that. If Melissa would have continuted to talk to him , then I guess you would have seen what kind of friends she and Law School really were!

Feel Better!

- R

Anonymous said...

Hmm I have mixed feelings about this too. I'm trying to put myself in your situation and I know that when it comes to guys and one bad thing happens it feels like a ton of bad things suddenly happen and then you just feel really hopeless and fed up. So I'm guessing this is maybe where you're coming from and that might be why you're reacting the way you are which in some ways is totally understandable and I can empathize with that. On the other hand, I'm just going to put out there that since you explicitly wrote that nothing is ever going to happen with you and Law School then you should let your friend Melissa have a chance. I guess I just don't understand if how you were in love with Brandon and then Todd and Law School is just kind of a peripheral person who is a friend you kind of like but will never do anything with why that precludes Melissa from starting something up? Because at this point it seems as if you have a minor crush on Law School and if you're not going to do anything about it then why not let someone else, I mean it's not as if you think he's "the one". Anyway like I said I have mixed feelings on that situation so those are just my thoughts. Hope you feel better.


Anonymous said...

although I would just like to add that I think it's a little mean and exaggerated to say "no wonder guys don't like you and prefer your friends" because a. I don't think that's true and b. that's just kind of bitchy

Autumn said...

I agree with what Anna said 100 percent. Give yourself a grace period before you actually respond to your friends/boyfriends. During that time you can journal/blog and vent everything out but when you are actually communicating with them, keep it drama-free. I think that would help your relationships in general so much. I used to be the same way where I would tell everyone exactly what I was feeling right when I was feeling it, but I realize that my relationships really have gone better for me when I process everything first. Your friends and boyfriends really don't need to know everything you are thinking. Just a thought.