Tuesday, March 20, 2012

New Apartment

Put a deposit down on an apartment today! A one bedroom (NOT a studio!) that I can actually afford! And it's only 3 blocks away from where I live now! Coincidentally it is also 3 doors down from my FAVORITE restaurant in the city of Chicago. LOL.
I'm so stoked!!
Move in date is early May.

Sunday, March 18, 2012


So I recently found out that I have to move out of my place a lot sooner than I had planned...
Dane sent me an email last week, citing our differences in lifestyles (I supposedly  wake him up when I get home from work. HELLO?! His fucking loud ass girlfriend wakes me up EVERY GODDAMN SUNDAY!!!) and saying that he no longer wants to live with a dog, and he wants me to move out by June. Fucking asshole.
So now I can't move in with Katie, and I have to find a place quick, because I just wanna get out of here ASAP. So on top of everything else I have going on, with my camera, and my probably super expensive dentist appt tomorrow, now I have to move. Ugh...
So I've been really stressed out, and just generally freaking out in all my spare time. Thursday night after work, I was doing my closeout stuff, getting ready to leave when I saw that Brazil was online. And I messaged him. I just wanted to talk to him, I needed to talk to him. To someone. But I wanted it to be him. So I asked him if he had any weed, and if I could stop by and smoke.
Of course we ended up having sex. I won't deny it, but first let me give you some of the details of my visit...
I had no intentions of sleeping with him, although I can't deny that the thought crossed my mind. Scratch that, maybe I did subconsciously know I was going to sleep with him. Maybe that was what I wanted. Ugh, I don't know! Well when I got there, I sat across the way from him, not next to him, and I just unloaded everything. He donated to my camera fund by the way, and posted it to his facebook. So we're talking, and he says I look really sad, and I'm telling him why. And then out of nowhere, in the middle of our conversation about me finding a new place, he says, "I missed you."
I didn't say anything back. In fact, I didn't even acknowledge what he said. I just...lit the bowl. Then he leans in and tries to kiss me, but I turn away. Well this continues for a while, him trying to kiss me, me not letting him, and him getting frustrated and asking me why I won't kiss him. I say, "Why should I kiss you?" And he just keeps trying. I told him I don't trust him.
He says he doesn't want to use me. I say he already has. He gets a little mad about that, but he tells me again that he really misses me, and that he thought I wanted to come over to talk about us, so we could work things out. And he wants to keep seeing me.
I asked him what's changed, and he said he's been battling things. Refusing to see or speak to Stephanie. And I'm like, so...nothing's changed really. Then I tell him that even if I agreed to see him again, things could never just go back to the way they were.
He gets frustrated again. Then he asks me what it is I want from him, and I'm just like I dunno. Cuz I don't! I don't even know what I'm doing there, but I know it's a bad idea! We start listening to Jeff Buckley, my favorite. I blame Jeff for sleeping with him.
Afterwards I just felt shame. Pure, unadulterated shame. I quickly got dressed and said I needed to go.
"You don't need me to walk you out, do you?"
The most asshole-ish thing he could possibly say.
I roll my eyes, "No. Of course not." I say sarcastically. He doesn't pick up on it.
So I leave, planning to never speak to him again.

But then I text him again Friday after work, because I think I may have left the lens cap to my temporary camera at his place, and well...cuz I'm curious what he's doing. He doesn't respond.
I text him again last night. He responds this time, I ask him about the lens cap, he says he doesn't have it. I ask him what he's doing. He doesn't respond.
Now I'm irritated, because it's obvious he's avoiding me. And I'm super pissed at myself for letting him take advantage of me.
So this morning I get up, guns blazing about it, and I message him on facebook.

"So...did you mean any of that stuff you said the other night? or were you just saying that to get me to sleep with you?"

"Alright. Listen."

That always means bad news when he says, "listen".
Then he doesn't say anything for a while so I'm like, "I'd still like an answer."

Then he says, "im in love with stephanie. she's a terrible person, a bitch , a witch and i hate the myself for feeling the way i do, i hate myself everyday because of it. Yes, i enjoy ur company , and yes I do like you, and i miss hanging out with you, and there's nothing in the world id like more to forget that bitch and focus on you. but i cant control my feelings, and its killing me everyday."

you are such an ass

And I sign off.

And that is THE END of Brazil.
For real this time.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Stay Tuned...

Ok guys, I appreciate you all having my back, but please stop attacking Rebecca James, and others in the comments. It's done.

Anyway, I have a lot of stuff to share, really juicy stuff, but I just got home, and it's 4:39am, and I'm tired. So I'm gonna have to write later. So check back soon!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


1) I am not asking ANYONE for money. If you have the means, and want to donate to help me buy a new camera, that's great, and I cannot thank you enough. But I am in NO WAY trying to take advantage of you guys as my readers. So if you're not comfortable donating money, then DON'T! I don't claim to be poor, or homeless, or starving. I am simply a girl in her 20's, getting a college education and trying to get by on a part-time job with student loans. G's...
2) This blog is NOT PG rated!!! I am 27 years old, and therefore I write about the experiences of a 27 year old. NOT a 14 year old! So if your kids are reading this, maybe they shouldn't be. Not my problem.
3) Someone asked me something about a new blog?? This is the only blog I have, and the only blog I plan to have. I created a new donation page because my sister made the original one and it has our names and photos on it, as well as the names and photos of many people who have donated. I know for a fact that Sophie wouldn't be comfortable with me sharing her personal information with a bunch of strangers (let alone me, who blogs about all my deepest darkest secrets!), which is why I created the donation page specifically to post here on the blog. It's not a scam! I'm just trying to protect myself and others.

Hopefully that clears everything up...?

Monday, March 12, 2012

In order to protect my identity as well as my sister's and friends, I started a separate page just for my blog readers. I know a couple of you expressed interest in donating and you have no idea how much that means to me!! Here is the link if anyone wants to donate: click me! Thank you soooo much!!

A Second First Date

So I just got back from a date with Bill. We went out for sushi, and he showed up with a bottle of wine, which we finished, of course. We had a lot of fun! I spent most of the night laughing, which is exactly what I needed today. After dinner, we went back to his place, against my better judgement, but, nothing happened! We just made out, and even that was pretty tame. We watched an episode of Man Men and talked, and goofed off. He said he wants to see me again, like soon.
I'm still curious why I never really heard from him after our actual first date though. And I wanna ask him but...I'm not sure if I should? It's just that we were talking about that movie, 500 Days of Summer, and he was saying how he hates girls like summer, who like you one day and then just disappear the next day, and I was thinking, "Well...isn't that exactly what you did to me last September??" But I didn't say what I was thinking, because maybe he thinks I'm the one that did that to him! I just don't know. What I do know is, he's very...affectionate, and I'm not really like that right off the bat, so it's a little awkward and I feel like I really need to spend more time with him getting to know him, and getting comfortable with him, etc. Of course this all depends on if I actually hear from him again this time! So we'll see...

Anyway, Sophie and I went to the lake this morning to fish for my camera. We put on swim suits and everything. And Sophie actually went in! I couldn't believe it. I tried to go in, but the water was painfully cold! I'm talking like...20 degrees or something ridiculous like that. But we could see the leg of my tripod in the water, right where it had fallen, and it was so close, yet just out of reach. So Sophie walked down the pier and asked some guys who were fishing if they could possibly fish it out. So this guy came down with a net and he was able to grab it, which is awesome. I was able to salvage the photos I took yesterday, but I'm still way behind on my project and now I have no camera to shoot with. ((Sigh)) But Sophie started this website where people can donate money for my new camera fund! She's so awesome. I already have $410 raised! Isn't that amazing?? If any of you readers want to donate, let me know, and I'll send you the link!! So things are already looking up compared to yesterday. Both of my parents promised to help me pay for a new camera, and when I finally talked to my mom, she made me feel loads better, only the way moms can do. Well I'm gonna finally go to bed now. I had to get up after only like 4 and a half hour of sleep last night to go to the lake with Sophie and I'm exhausted. Night!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Give Up

I think I'm literally having the worst day of my life. I went to the lake with Jasper today to take pictures for my project that's due this week. The sun was out, it was a great day for shooting. I had my tripod and everything set up, and we were at the harbor, where it's flat and cement, good surface for a tripod. Well as I'm taking a picture, a huge gust of wind comes and blows my tripod camera and all into the lake. It's still there, somewhere 9 feet under the freezing cold water, never to be seen again.
Brand new $1400 camera gone. Lens gone. Tripod gone. Project gone. Memory card gone. Pictures gone.
LIFE gone.

This is the second time in 2 weeks that I've suddenly been confronted with a situation where I need to spend thousands of dollars. Last week it was the dentist, now this. I can't stop balling, I'm just so devastated. NOw I don't have a camera, and I can't finish my project for school. I mean, photography is the main reason I came up here to this fucking concrete jungle and now I don't even have a camera! I JUST bought that camera! What am I going to do/??? I just wanna die right now. I can never seem to get anything fucking right. EVerything is a mistake. I just keep FUCKING EVERYTHING UP!!? I just wanna quit school and move back to Houston and be done with it. I've failed. And I have NO ONE here. NO ONE. I've called my mom like 12 times and even she doesn't answer. I've drifted apart from all the good friends I had in Houston, and I don't really have any good friends here. At least none that I can call when I'm crying hysterically. I don't have a boyfriend, or someone to hold me when I'm sad or just need a shoulder to cry on. There's just Sophie. And I hardly ever see her. I just wanna give up.
I wanna give up on everything.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Movin' On Up!

Ok, so I don't really have any justification for why I talked to Brazil last week. I wasn't trying or hoping to achieve anything really, I just...wanted to talk to him! But his whole "woe is me" tact actually really turned me off, and I think that actually I may have inadvertently given myself some kind of closure. I haven't spoken to him since then, or even thought about speaking to him. In fact, I haven't been thinking about him nearly as much at all. So maybe it was stupid of me to talk to him, but in the end, I think it actually did me some good.

I've been staying busy lately, as always during the school year, and this week is going to be packed. Tomorrow night, I'm getting a tattoo. My first tattoo! I'm really nervous, but also really excited! I'm not going to tell you guys what it is, just that it's script. Two words. You can try to guess though, that might be interesting, haha. Sophie and Katie are coming too, and Katie is getting a tattoo as well! Sophie isn't though, she's just coming for moral support, and you know, in case I pass out. Lol. I have a track record with needles...
So me and Katie were we were having lunch, talking about our tattoos, and planning out when we're gonna meet tomorrow etc, and we got on the subject of roommates. She currently doesn't have one, but she was saying she needs one for next year, and I was like, "Dude...*I* need a roommate for next year!"
So we're totally gonna be roomies! I'm so excited! For one thing, it'll be nice to be able to decorate our place with our own style. Dane has this place decorated so...boring and boyish. And since it's not my home, I would feel weird hanging any of my stuff anywhere besides my bedroom. Also the bathroom. Living with guys has been great overall, but I'm really looking forward to not having to share a bathroom with a dude!! UGh... And you all know how I feel about Dane's girlfriend...
So Katie and I are gonna get a place probably sometime in August, which is perfect! I'm so excited, and so relived because I knew I was going to have to move out soon, but I had no idea who I would live with, or how I'd be able to afford living alone. Plus, Katie and I get along great, we're both photo students, and we have similar lifestyles, etc... It's gonna be great!

Bill and I were supposed to hang out this Sunday, but I was bogged down with homework, so I asked him for a raincheck, and he said sure. We've been texting every day and all that, but this time I think I have all the cards. For one I'm not nearly as invested as I was last time he and I went out, or whatever. Also, I'm very skeptical of him now, and after what happened with Brazil, I know I can never be too cautious. And thirdly, although I initially texted Bill with intention of using him as a  sort of rebound, I think I am starting to get over Brazil, and I've gotten some closure, so I think I'm in the perfect place mentally for dating. I don't feel so...desperate (for lack of a better word) to find someone (read: boyfriend) and I'm not in a hurry to jump into anything like I may have been with Brazil. And I'm gonna make Bill work for it. If he's not that into me, then fine, I'll just stop talking to him. But this time around, I'm definitely gonna make him pursue me. No hanging out at his place, watching TV. That never seems to lead to anything good...
So I'm doing alright you guys. I'm movin' on up.

Friday, March 2, 2012

I Caved

It was 2:15am, I was laying in bed with my laptop open, just feeling kind of melancholy and lonely, and he was there. On facebook chat. The only person online. I debated back and forth with myself for about 10 minutes. I typed "Hi" then I deleted it. Then I typed "Hey", but I didn't send it, I just left it there in the chat window, hoping he'd sign off, or maybe something would distract me. But I just kept thinking about him and I couldn't stop myself...I hit enter.

Me: hey

Brazil: hey

Me: how are you?

 Brazil: how have u been?
not so great

Me: oh?

Brazil: n u?

Me: good i guess

Brazil: good, thats good

Me: yea...i mean i've just been really busy not really time for anything besides school, work and swimming
which is probably a good thing

Brazil: yea, i had a pretty tough week too

Me: how come you're up so late?

Brazil: im having trouble sleeping lately

Me: how come?

 Brazil: im anxious

Me: about what?

Brazil: i just feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, sad, all of the above...
u know same old me

 Me: no, i don't know

Brazil: im really glad ur doing good, though
that gives me some peace of mind

Me: i didn't message you to give you peace of mind

Brazil: oh no?

Me: the only reason i'm doing "good" is because i'm forcing myself to be ok

Brazil: whats wrong?

Me: because there's nothing i can do to remedy this situation
in fact, just by talking to you i'm pretty much breaking all my own rules
i dunno

Brazil: i know how it feels, trust me

Me: i don't think you do
mr. "never been dumped"

Brazil: i feel like an ass, an idiot
no? what was stephanie ?

Me: a reality check?

Brazil: right

Brazil: i guess i deserved it

Me: maybe you did
i wouldn't know
everything happens for a reason, i know that
you have to choose to not play the victim
that's exactly what i'm doing

Brazil: if ur trying to cheer me up, its not working

Me: sorry
i wasn't trying though so...maybe i'm not sorry
i just think you need to develop a thicker skin maybe
sorry if that sounds mean
it's hard to not be...resentful towards you, even though i'm not trying to be

Brazil: thanks, thats all i needed tonight

Me: well if you want me to feel sorry for you, you're asking the wrong person

Brazil: let me just type this for a second

Me: ok

Brazil: u have all the right to hate me, to have no sympathy for me. I deserve it. Im upset, cause i was trying to make things right and i just get more fucked in my own shit. Im just tired of being hurt, and hurting other people. You dont deserve a guy like me, it was bad timing of myself, i should have known better, i feel AWFUL that i let you down, i really do. So if u wanna say how much of a dick I am, i can take it, and I deserve it. Im really sorry peyton, the last thing i wanted was to cause you pain. I respect you, and you can do so much better

Me: that's bullshit

Brazil: idk what to say, i just want to shut my brain off

 Me: do you how much WORSE it makes it when i guy says, "you're too good for me"???
that's like...the worst thing someone can say
"you're so great, but i don't want anything to do with you. sorry! i'm sure you'll find someone better!"

Brazil: see? i just make it worse
its not YOU

Me: you keep saying you respect me, but
you know what


Me: i don't think you're a dick
i WISH i thought you were a dick
if i thought you were just another asshole i wouldn't give a shit
tell me something though....

Brazil: ok

Me: what do you mean you were trying to make things right? right with you? or right with Stephanie?

Brazil: no, listen
my thing with stephanie is not going anywhere

Me: yea thats what you said when i first met you

Brazil: well it isnt

Me: and don't you know that we're ALL tired of being hurt??
everyone has been fucked over in a relationship at some point
some people, like myself, get it more than others

Brazil: what do you want me to do?

Me: but everyone has been hurt before
what do you want to do?
i'm just telling you that that's a normal part of adult life..its unavoidable. it's no reason to self-medicate or anything

Brazil: i just dont know anymore, i cant make anyone happy. I cant forget her, even though i know she's a selfish bitch. I hurt someone i dont want to hurt. No one is happy! NO ONE, not me, you or her. everyone i get involved with it turns to shit it means I am obviously the problem
dont u think i dont lay my head at night and think about this?
dont u think i think about this shit 24/7?

Me: if you really believe that you are the problem then fix it
i'm not saying i believe that
there is never just one person to blame

Brazil: i wake up thinking about it, i go to sleep thinking about, i shower thinking about it
all day long i cant wait till i go to bed so i can stop thinking

Me: thinking about what exactly?

Brazil: n i dream about it too sometiems
all the shit ive done
that i got myself and everyone into

Me: i have dreams like that sometimes

Brazil: yea do u know what its like to not have peace of mind, at all?

Me: yes

Brazil: hoping u fall sleep do it wont hurt anymore?
longing for the day to be over when u wake up?

Me: i don't think you understand what it's like to be almost 28 years old, no closer to finding what you want out of life than you were 10 years ago. it's like…the last 10 years of my life have been completely pointless! you're only 25 AND you're a guy. you have plenty of time to figure your shit out find someone you want to be with. I don't. i just keep getting older and less desirable. and i'm still in school, surrounded by a bunch of 19 year olds, and i...
it got to the point where i couldn't be even in the same goddamn state as my ex. and now i'm just questioning all the decisions i've made… i mean wtf am i really doing here?? i just keep finding myself in the same fucking situations. ((Sigh))
thats what *I* think about in bed at night
among other things...
all sorts of stupid "what if" scenarios
mostly about you
and about last year

Brazil: oh, so ur far from home ah? do u think i left cause it was fucking paradise there?

Me: this doesn't feel like home to me though
you said it does for you
and you came here for completely different reasons than i did
why are you arguing with me about this?
i don't think i ever even told anyone that before

Brazil: im running away from a lot of things down there too
and btw, ur far from getting less desirable, get real.

Me: i am being real
guys my age don't date girls my age

Brazil: if u were not attractive id never hang out with you

Me: they want girls who are 23

Brazil: and i am picky as fuck

Me: its true

Brazil: then u dont want those gusy

Me: most guys are just wasting my time anyway

Brazil: i like older women, cause they know their shit. pedophiles like girls, i like women

Me: whatever
well i like MEN
what difference does that make? so far i can't seem to tell the difference between men and boys till it's too late

Brazil: i'll tell u this

Me: if you're going to compliment me, don't

Brazil: no im not

Me: good maybe now you understand why i don't take compliments well

Brazil: i didnt want to keep seeing you, cause i was trying to act like a MAN, and accept the fact i need to get my shit together before i start seeing someone else
i know i am a man, cause im brave enough to speak my mind, thats the diffrence
so take that as a note for the future

Me: and hows that working out for you?

Brazil: listen, im going to bed

Me: i guess there's just a part of me that really believes you're going to just meet someone else and start dating some other chick, and all this bullshit will have been for nothing. and that really drives me crazy to think about.

Brazil: acting like a man, means u have to make decisions that are tough on my own, but in the long run are for the best. For know u just have to accept its gonna suck, and u have to take it. so im taking it, and trying to be a man.

Me: well then i guess i've been a man for quite some time now

Brazil: it goes the same about being a woman its more about being an adult id say
im going to bed now
im sorry about everything, i really am goodnight.

Me: i haven't forgiven you yet. and for that, i'm sorry.
i will eventually