Sunday, March 18, 2012


So I recently found out that I have to move out of my place a lot sooner than I had planned...
Dane sent me an email last week, citing our differences in lifestyles (I supposedly  wake him up when I get home from work. HELLO?! His fucking loud ass girlfriend wakes me up EVERY GODDAMN SUNDAY!!!) and saying that he no longer wants to live with a dog, and he wants me to move out by June. Fucking asshole.
So now I can't move in with Katie, and I have to find a place quick, because I just wanna get out of here ASAP. So on top of everything else I have going on, with my camera, and my probably super expensive dentist appt tomorrow, now I have to move. Ugh...
So I've been really stressed out, and just generally freaking out in all my spare time. Thursday night after work, I was doing my closeout stuff, getting ready to leave when I saw that Brazil was online. And I messaged him. I just wanted to talk to him, I needed to talk to him. To someone. But I wanted it to be him. So I asked him if he had any weed, and if I could stop by and smoke.
Of course we ended up having sex. I won't deny it, but first let me give you some of the details of my visit...
I had no intentions of sleeping with him, although I can't deny that the thought crossed my mind. Scratch that, maybe I did subconsciously know I was going to sleep with him. Maybe that was what I wanted. Ugh, I don't know! Well when I got there, I sat across the way from him, not next to him, and I just unloaded everything. He donated to my camera fund by the way, and posted it to his facebook. So we're talking, and he says I look really sad, and I'm telling him why. And then out of nowhere, in the middle of our conversation about me finding a new place, he says, "I missed you."
I didn't say anything back. In fact, I didn't even acknowledge what he said. I just...lit the bowl. Then he leans in and tries to kiss me, but I turn away. Well this continues for a while, him trying to kiss me, me not letting him, and him getting frustrated and asking me why I won't kiss him. I say, "Why should I kiss you?" And he just keeps trying. I told him I don't trust him.
He says he doesn't want to use me. I say he already has. He gets a little mad about that, but he tells me again that he really misses me, and that he thought I wanted to come over to talk about us, so we could work things out. And he wants to keep seeing me.
I asked him what's changed, and he said he's been battling things. Refusing to see or speak to Stephanie. And I'm like, so...nothing's changed really. Then I tell him that even if I agreed to see him again, things could never just go back to the way they were.
He gets frustrated again. Then he asks me what it is I want from him, and I'm just like I dunno. Cuz I don't! I don't even know what I'm doing there, but I know it's a bad idea! We start listening to Jeff Buckley, my favorite. I blame Jeff for sleeping with him.
Afterwards I just felt shame. Pure, unadulterated shame. I quickly got dressed and said I needed to go.
"You don't need me to walk you out, do you?"
The most asshole-ish thing he could possibly say.
I roll my eyes, "No. Of course not." I say sarcastically. He doesn't pick up on it.
So I leave, planning to never speak to him again.

But then I text him again Friday after work, because I think I may have left the lens cap to my temporary camera at his place, and well...cuz I'm curious what he's doing. He doesn't respond.
I text him again last night. He responds this time, I ask him about the lens cap, he says he doesn't have it. I ask him what he's doing. He doesn't respond.
Now I'm irritated, because it's obvious he's avoiding me. And I'm super pissed at myself for letting him take advantage of me.
So this morning I get up, guns blazing about it, and I message him on facebook.

"So...did you mean any of that stuff you said the other night? or were you just saying that to get me to sleep with you?"

"Alright. Listen."

That always means bad news when he says, "listen".
Then he doesn't say anything for a while so I'm like, "I'd still like an answer."

Then he says, "im in love with stephanie. she's a terrible person, a bitch , a witch and i hate the myself for feeling the way i do, i hate myself everyday because of it. Yes, i enjoy ur company , and yes I do like you, and i miss hanging out with you, and there's nothing in the world id like more to forget that bitch and focus on you. but i cant control my feelings, and its killing me everyday."

you are such an ass

And I sign off.

And that is THE END of Brazil.
For real this time.


Anonymous said...

Ok so I feel horrible about all of the things that have been happening in your life (the camera, the unexpected move out of the apartment) and I hope you can figure that all out soon. I'm glad that you have some supper with the donation fund for the camera, that's great.

Now about Brazil, I'm glad that it is finally over for you. Mostly because that means you can move on and stop torturing yourself and that's a good thing. BUT he didn't take advantage of you in absolutely anyway whatsoever...you reached out to him numerous times (knowing full well his situation) and you slept with him of your own volition. There's no need to berate you for this because shit happens and all of us have done that at some point in time but at least acknowledge that you went into a shitty situation knowing it was shitty, and it resulted in more shittiness. I think you contacted him because you needed someone to talk to and maybe because you were hoping he would again try to apologize and throw himself at you and that would make you feel just a little bit better considering all of the craziness you have going on in your life. Anyway I hope it really is done with Brazil because he doesn't seem to bring anything positive into your life anymore. Hope things start to look up :)


Rachael said...

I agree with everything Janelle said.

A said...

there are tons of apartments in chicago that do a month-to-month lease, you should look into that so you dont have to sign a long contract so that when katie is free to move you can simply not renew your lease at the end of the month.

sometimes, against all our better judgement, we need that one last goodbye/closure/sex/whatever. but at the end of the day if it's out of your system - if HE'S out of your system- then good. and sometimes shame is what makes us wake up and snap out of whatever daze we're in.

live and learn, girl. just try not to keep repeating the same mistakes ;) that's when people will get on your case :)


Anna said...

Maybe you could look for a month by month rental situation so that you could move in with your friend still when her lease is up? I don't know how the rental market in Chicago compares to the Bay Area, but it is definitely possible to find (more or less) affordable/decent situations like that out here...Hope everything works out for you!