______________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)





















I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

The Space Between Us


I woke up this morning with a photo and a message from Jamie. I slept for maybe another hour, then when I woke up again, we started talking. We chatted for a while, about the election, and some other stuff. Eventually the conversation turned a little bit naughty... He was at work, and I just can't help but tease him when I know he's surrounded by people and trying to control himself lol. So I was revving his engines a little bit, just for the fun of it. Then he said he had to go into a meeting, but we still kept talking....

Jamie: You're pushing a lot of my buttons right now

Me: :) 
Me: I love pushing your buttons. It's very satisfying.

Jamie: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying it also

Me: I know, lol. Are you going to have a hard on in your meeting?

Jamie: Haha it's finished so I'm just about to drive home...

Me: Were you just having that conversation with me DURING your meeting??

Jamie: It was an audio and the big part of the agenda was cancelled

Me: Hahaha. You're still bad...
Me: I do enjoy you, Jamie. Lol maybe too much.

Jamie: How do you mean?

Me: I enjoy how easily I can turn you on for one
Me: And you make me laugh

Jamie: Haha my male weakness for you
Jamie: I'm glad I do though, and it's felt in return also

Me: I hope so

Jamie: No need to hope

Me: I just don't speak to many people with such...candor.
Me: And none of them are male except you
Me: Not that I'm having sexy conversations with my girlfriends or anything...lol.

Jamie: That's good to know and sincerely received. Distance is a bit of a fucker isn't it

Me: Yeaaaa let's just not go there right now

Jamie: Agreed, I'm going to have to jump in the car now though. Can we chat later if you're around?

Me: Sure

Jamie: Enjoy your day x

Me: You too


I didn't hear from again today, but I haven't stopped thinking about our conversation. The fact that he referenced the distance between us in that particular way kind of startled me. I mean did I read that wrong? Was he just referencing the fact that we can't have sex, or was it more than that? At the time, I assumed it was more, but maybe I was reading too far into it, I don't know... I just wasn't prepared for that topic, in any context. And I don't want to talk to him about that via electronics. I want to have that conversation in person, if we have it at all. It's too easy to write something like this off when you're chatting online or via text. I want to see his face and hear his voice, and I want him to do the same.
But who knows. Maybe he didn't mean anything by it.
What I do know is, I love the idea of him. The idea of him being this far off, yet possibly attainable future. And the idea of having someone to talk and laugh with, and kiss and fuck, and be in love with. And everything about him is so disarming to me. I'm not the same way about him as I am with most guys. Not as prickly or wary. I mean yea, he's attractive and charming and I know I can't be the only one who sees that. But he still seems to want me. Despite the improbability of it all, and the inconvenience and maybe even the pointlessness, he still wants to talk to me. Regularly! He still wants to come back and see me. How easy it would've been for him to just...have his fun with me for that one weekend and never talk to me again. It's what I expected, in fact, and I was ok with it! But he didn't do that. He stuck around, figuratively speaking. So now I'm just thinking about him constantly, and trying not to. And I'm hoping against hope that he can be my date to this wedding, and imagining how amazing it will be to see him again. ((sigh))
I guess I really am just a hopeless romantic.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Runaway Trains

I know, I know...it's been a while. I've been kind of avoiding blogging because it means I have to confront and acknowledge my feelings. Lol. I'm not really sure where to start. I've been super busy the last couple months with work, which hasn't left a lot of room for dating, or anything like that.
But in regards to my those feelings I've been avoiding... it's Jamie. We've been talking a lot more lately. I mean we have been keeping in touch, but kind of just sporadically. But over the last couple months, our communication has become much more frequent. We talk almost every day now. And a couple months ago he was talking about coming back to NOLA in the new year, so I offhandedly suggested he come the first week of February and be my date to Bethany's wedding. At first he was like, "Well isn't that kind of a big deal?" And I was like, "HA! No. As many weddings as I have to go to?" Then we laughed and I mentioned how it would be fun - dressing up, open bar, dancing, and of course having him for arm candy lol. And he basically said he'd be delighted to go with me. Of course at the time, it was still kind of a ways off and I didn't really expect him to commit to something like that right then and there. But it's come up twice more since, and he still says he wants to go with me. And then today he told me there's a restructuring going on at his work, and he may be transferred, promoted or laid off. Most likely promoted, but he still may have to move to another city. Anyway, he's going to let me know about the wedding by the weekend. So hopefully I'll know for sure by then!
The other thing is, a lot of the times our conversations begin with him telling me he's thinking of me and he's lonely/horny. Lol. But lately, our conversations have been more about life, and and stuff he likes and stuff I like, and funny stories about our past and our families... Today he even let me pick out a suit for him! He's going to buy it next month lol. And he asked me about my past relationships. That felt kind of like...we crossed over into some new territory. And there was something else he said...I have to go back and find it.

"I mean New Orleans is my favourite place, the food, culture, music, I love the Saints, despite the rain today your weather's pretty amazing and then there's this extremely beautiful girl there who's offering to tie me up..."

Lol, about the tying up, I said I wished he could come watch TV in bed with me and he said he didn't think he'd be able to watch the TV if he was in bed with me, so I said I'd just have to tie him up. Haha. Of course that led to some sexy talk.
But anyway...I don't know what this is exactly, and I'm not naive enough to believe he doesn't pursue girls across the pond, or date, or fuck, or whatever, but it feels like something. We've never actually really said anything about our feelings towards each other, other than physical attraction, and fun.
But when he comes back, because I know he will, weather he goes with me to the wedding or not, we are going to see each other and sparks are going to fly, and I'm not going to be able to pretend this is just a friendly casual thing anymore. I'm afraid it will turn into another Lane situation and that left me totally wrecked...
I'm still willing to risk it though, because I feel like, if I fell for him, and he fell for me, and the stars aligned and all that crap, I would move to England to be with him in a heartbeat. Or maybe he'd consider moving here since he loves it so much. Who knows!? Maybe you think I'm crazy, since I said the same thing about Lane, but I meant that too! It's really rare to have such an intellectual, emotional, AND sexual connection with someone. And in my opinion, that's worth sacrificing things for. I realize this is all so far fetched and it's silly to even consider, but sometimes I just can't control my trains of thought. ((Sigh)) And having been single for so long, sometimes those runaway trains are all I've got.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.