Make a Move

OMG! So last night, I went out to dinner with a bunch of people from the bar for Sheila's birthday. And Taryn was there, with a couple of her friends, including a guy in town from the Bahamas, who I couldn't help notice was pretty good looking. So I discreetly asked her about him at dinner (we were texting under the table), and she informed me that he's single! Except, he's only gonna be here till Sunday. But what the hell! So I told her to drop a few hints for me, and sniff around little bit. Which she did. She told him I thought he was cute, but I ended up having to go home relatively early, and nothing came of it. Oh well.

So for the last hour, I've been sitting at my desk, doing some gruelling spreadsheet work, and fantasizing about my nap when I get home, when Taryn texts me! Apparently her friend from the Bahamas wants to know what I'm doing tonight! :D Her other friend, JC, is texting me too, asking me what I'm doing. Apparently him and Bahama Boy are going out tonight. Unfortunately, Taryn is working, but she says I should hang out with them. And I'm definitely considering it! She wants us to come visit her at work. Of course, I can't be out late, though. I was in bed by midnight last night, which was a miracle, and I still barely made it to work today cuz I overslept. Ugh. But as long as I get here before my boss does, it's ok! Hehe.

Well now I'm just patiently awaiting a text back from JC. So I guess we'll see what happens! But I definitely gotta get the hell out of this office! Thank God tomorrow is Friday...

 

P.S. Brandon was at the dinner last night, and I totally followed my game plan! He got there late and had to sit at the very end of the table by himself. I honestly felt sorry for him! But he walked down the entire length table to say hi, when he got there. I said hi back, and that was it! Easy as pie.

Just Fade Away...

Today, after work, I met up with one of my coworkers from the bar, Aaron, for coffee. Aaron is probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. And he's insanely goofy! He recently got married, and he gives really good advice, and he and I were working behind the same bar this past Saturday, and started having a conversation that we didn't get to finish. So he suggested we meet for coffee. And yes, the conversation was about Brandon.

We talked for about two and a half hours, and it was probably the best conversation I've had with anyone on the topic so far. He really peeled away all the crap that's covering Brandon, and our relationship, and showed me what's underneath. He gave me advice on what I should do, and how I should behave at work, and he gave me his opinions on Brandon, and on my situation. And I really feel a lot better now.

Even though I've known for a while that Brandon and I aren't meant to be together, the lingering feelings I had just kept pulling me back. Because in the very beginning of our relationship, things were great! And I was just clinging onto that for some reason. But, Brandon hasn't been the person I fell in love with , in a long time. In fact, since then he's become selfish, mean, and competitive to the point where things at work become tense. And, as Aaron pointed out, the reason is because he has convinced himself that he is the best. He doesn't want anyone to be better than him, and he doesn't give himself room to improve because he thinks he's already the best. Which is why he doesn't like anyone correcting him at work. But he's forgotten the most important thing. To be the best, you have to be the best person that you can be, and you have to be well-rounded in doing so. You have to want to be the best friend, the best boyfriend/girlfriend, the best brother, sister, son, daughter, father or mother. Not just the best bartender. Not just the best golfer. And Brandon never cared to be the best boyfriend to me, because that would have required him to make some sacrifices. And he's so wrapped up in himself, that he doesn't want to do that.

I never thought about it that way.

Aaron also pointed out that Brandon's juvenile behavior the other night was just a play to get a reaction out of me. And it worked! And he says if I just accept Brandon, not ignore him, not be overly friendly, but just accept him, it will help me to move on, and it will drive him nuts. And if I just don't give in, he'll end up making a fool out of himself, which will be unattractive to me, and help me get over him. Because he wants to get attention from me, he wants to get a reaction out of me. He likes knowing that I still care about him. And I cannot, under any circumstances, give him that satisfaction. And he's gonna jab at me a few times, maybe even do something drastic, like make out with a girl in front of me, to try to get a reaction, but I just have to be strong, and not give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. And eventually he'll just fade away....

We talked about a lot more things, but overall, I learned that I just need to tell myself, and everyone else, that I don't care, and truly mean it, because I know he's not what I want. And it's not going to be easy, but I'm on my way. ((Sigh))

So...hopefully I can stay in this frame of mind that I'm in right now. And I'm really thankful to Aaron for taking the time to sit and talk with me. He and I don't really hang out too much, because he works 2 jobs, and he's married and all. I do hang out with his wife, Trina every now and then. They're like the perfect couple. I mean, obviously nothing is perfect, but they are one of the best models for a relationship of anyone I know. So, I think if anyone can give good relationship advice, it's Aaron.

Well, I don't really have anything else exciting to report. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm getting through this. I am determined to get through this! And hopefully, once I'm back to my old happy-go-lucky self again, the right guy will come along.

Keeps Coming Back...

Well I'm all set to go to Austin. I found a dog sitter, and requested off work. So I'm going the weekend before Thanksgiving.

Work is getting a little more interesting. I just got finished calling a long list of people, to inform them that technicians are going to be coming in and updating their systems. Not too exciting, but at least it's time-consuming.

This weekend was horrendous. Seeing Brandon after a week of not seeing him, was heart wrenching. He's back with that stupid slut. The one he told me he didn't care about, and she meant nothing to him, and she was boring, and uninteresting. ((Sigh)) It breaks my heart that he would choose her over me! And after all that bullshit he spat me about wanted to be alone, and concentrate on golf, and work, etc, etc...Total lies. And on top of that, people at work, and my friends, feel the need to tell me, EVERY TIME they see him with her, or any girl. And I guess The Slore is telling people that they're dating. Which of course, he denies, under the pretenses that they've "never even talked about that". I wish I could just stop caring. I feel so weak. So fragile. I'm always on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, after laying awake for hours thinking about him. And I know he's not right for me. I know he can't give me what I want! But I still love him. I just wish I didn't. And more than anything, I wish I didn't have to hear about him being with another girl. I wish she didn't come into my bar all the time. I wish I didn't get paranoid every time I see Brandon respond to a text message. ((Sigh))

Why am I so depressed?? It's like I've forgotten how to make myself happy. Everything is just dull. Gray. Empty. I'm tired 24/7, probably because I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep, I wake up almost every hour. I have nightmares, and weird, unsettling dreams. I'm so sick of being alone. And I don't even mean just relationship-wise. I'm by myself all the time! And I don't even have the energy or the motivation to leave the house when I have free time, because I'm so tired, and I feel so antisocial. And when I am around people, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just sit there and think.

Why her? Why me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I even comparing myself to her? Why can't I just get over it already? Why is it that nothing seems to make me happy anymore??

In the past year, my hair has lost about 30% of it's density. I'M LOSING MY HAIR! I had a full-on mental breakdown Saturday night because of it. When I was washing my hair, there were like 8 full strands in my hands afterwards. I called my mom crying, and she suggested I call in from work. But I couldn't cuz I need the money. Now I wish I would have because Brandon and I got in a fight that night. He got mad cuz I asked him to face his one dollar bills, and he said I was singling him out and trying to make him look bad. ((Sigh)) I told him he was over analyzing and being too defensive and mean. Let's just say, the argument didn't really get us anywhere.

Sunday, I got so mad, I told him to stay out of my life. Because he's selfish and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he has a new chick.

To which he responded, "I can't help what other people say. I'm not doing anything wrong!"

And I told him to shove it because he doesn't give a shit about me, or anyone, but himself. Then he said he was deleting my number.

I ended up texting him later that I was sorry, and I didn't mean all those things, I just need some time, and I hope he understands.

He said he understands, but I don't think he does! I think he thinks I'm crazy, and he doesn't get why I'm so upset over him. I'm just another obsessive ex-girlfriend. He doesn't get it, because he never felt what I do. And that hurts too.

I need help. I'm drowning. I can't deal with this anymore. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, this just keeps coming back to haunt me.

Exciting Opportunities

OMG. So I'm at work right now, and I'm totally wired on aderol and coffee. I'm on my second cup of double espresso. AHHH! We have an awesome automatic coffee maker downstairs with all these different flavors in it. Anyways... Izzie and I have been texting in the mornings, since she's like the only other person I know who has a normal job and is up at these hours! It definitely helped me get through yesterday morning! So today, I was asking her how she does this every day! You know, how she stays awake, and how she doesn't go out of her mind with boredom! At the time, my coffee high hadn't hit yet, and I was struggling to keep my eyes open. So she mentioned that she wasn't planning on staying at her current job forever, and she wants to open her own ad agency. And I was like, "OMG IZ! I wanna come work for you! I'll move to Austin! I can take photos for your ads, and do photoshop stuff, and entertain you, and just whatever else you need! That would be soooo awesome!" Izzie: Hmmm, I don't know, Do you have any references? Jk you tard, I've been trying to get you to move to Austin for decades. But don't run out and quit your job though, it'll be at least 6 months before I can really get something started. Me: Lol, I know. But other than you, I had no real reason to move to Austin. But now that I'm getting some corporate experience on my resume, I think it'll be easier for me to branch out. Plus, I'm single now, and there's nothing really holding me back. Obviously I'm not gonna go quit my job, it's only my second day! lol. But I'm serious though. Izzie: Who knows if you'll be single in 6 months though? I would really, really, reallyreallyreallyreally love for you to help me start an ad agency. Really. Me: I really reallly reallllllly would love that too! Really. We should have a business meeting about this. Really. Perhaps I'll come to Austin soon. Hmmm... Izzie: Do it. I have another friend that wants in on this too. And I really like the business meeting idea. Let's do this soon. Me: Dammit, I wish I could come this weekend, but it's too late for me to try and get off work bartending, and next weekend is someone's birthday, so I doubt I'll be able to get off then. But maybe if I say it's business travel, I can pull it off! I'll talk to my manager tonight and see what I can do. Izzie: For next weekend? Me: Yea, would that work for you? Izzie: Let me check my calendar, and I'll get back to you ASAP. I'm still waiting to hear back from her, but nothing has gotten me this excited in a while. I mean, our own ad agency!?? That would be AWESOME! And I would actually be doing something I love to do, with photo editing and stuff. Plus I would be working with Izzie, who to this day is the best friend I have ever had through the years. Tried and true! :) And even if I end up totally hating this job I have now, I can deal with it for as long as it takes, just knowing that I have something else to look forward to. It's being stuck here forever that really scares me. Plus, you know, Austin is much closer to San Antonio... ;)

To The Future!

Well today was a big day for me on several fronts! First and foremost, I started my new job! And to be honest, it was grueling and boring. But it was only the first day. And my supervisor basically just gave me a bunch of material to read about the company, and the department, etc... And obviously, the reading was very tedious, and I was trying like hell to stay awake. I only got like 3 hours of sleep last night. Today kind of reminded me of the first day of classes in college. You show up, meet your professor and get your syllabus. Basically just a formality, nothing too exciting. But, I made it through the day, boring as it was, and tomorrow should be more exciting, more involved. I actually get to start on some small projects. The big project I was hired for doesn't start up for a couple of weeks, so this is kind of my introductory, training, settling in period.

After work, I met up with my mom, who had just gotten out of her doctor's appointment. We had a light dinner, and then she suggested we do a little shopping. And a little shopping, sort of turned into a lot of shopping! Haha. I mean, we went into Ross, just to pick up a couple shirts or sweaters for me to wear to work, and then we found this beautiful Calvin Klein suit, and this beautiful Calvin Klein coat, and then we had to find me an outfit to match the coat.... And I mean, we were at Ross, so everything was a bargain! And since we were so close to the Galleria, this particular Ross had a lot of high end stuff. So that definitely brightened my day. And my mom paid for all of it! She said it was "an investment in my future". :)

And guess who's back?? Well...sort of. Cory! He sent me a flirty message on Facebook the other day, saying that he and I just needed to get together, have wild sex and forget all our previous relationship problems. Lol. And even though that may sound a little presumptuous, he's always been a jokster, and I love that about him. And most importantly, it made me laugh.

So today, I thought I'd send him a random text just for the hell of it.

And our conversation got increasingly more and more flirtatious. I'll paste it here.

Me: I think I may be in dire need of your booty call services.

Cory: Haha well when are you making the trip to SA, cuz [insert hometown here] is lame, and I don't have a bed there. Lol.

Me: I told you I live in HOUSTON now, lol. And I don't have a bed in SA either. But P.S. you could share my bed, I just can't promise you'll get any sleep.

Cory: Lmao ok then, but if I go to HTown, I always have to go home and see my family, or else I'd feel bad.

Me: Well then you have an excuse to come down here! [Hometown] is really not THAT far off the grid.

Cory: Ya, but between work and school, my time is limited. :( Guess I'll have to see.

Me: Yea, yea, well MAKE IT HAPPEN! Before I implode from lack of orgasms. Hahaha.

Cory: Oh my! lol. exciting.

Me: Yea it sounds funny, but it's really not.

Cory: Trust me I'm positive I'm more frustrated than you.

Me: Hmmm...I doubt that! I pretty sure I got dumped before you did! And it's been a pretty long time since I've gotten any action!

Cory: I had sex 12 times with my gf of 10 months... Pretty sure I win.

Me: ((Sigh)) ok FINE. You win. Lol. What an accomplishment, huh? We should really get some other ppl in on THIS contest!

Cory: No one would beat me... Sex 12 times in 10 months... I've done that in like 2 days..

Me: Lol. Don't tease me.

Cory: I like to tease. Makes it more fun.

Me: I couldn't agree more...

Cory: Lol this makes a trip to houston seem more pleasing. 3 hours in the car sucks.

Me: Well I'm sure I can return the favor at some point. Either way, I'll make it worth your while. ;)

Cory: I like the term, "make it worth your while"

Me: Me too, because it usually means fun. :D

The End.

Well! I am definitely having fun with this one. There's no threat here! He lives in San Antonio, I'm not afraid of him hurting me, there are no strings attached, we're just flirting, and there's a possibility of sex. Maybe more, maybe not. Who knows?! But I'm having fun. And that's what's important. It would be pretty damn awesome if he came to visit though...

We'll see what happens...

Here's to the future!

Damaged Goods

Well I start the new job tomorrow. I'm pretty anxious about it. I'm not really sure what to expect. I went shopping with Melissa yesterday to get some comfy pumps, and couple more things to add to my professional wardrobe. I didn't do anything last night, because Bethany, Tugg, Summer and Ben were on a double date. :/

Usually Bethany and I do movie Mondays, but obviously that was a no-go. ((Sigh))

So I spent my last 2 free nights sitting at home, by myself, in my pajamas. And I was reading an old journal the other night, from 2002. And I just can't believe how…carefree and happy I was then. And even when I was having problems with my boyfriend at the time, which not surprisingly, are the same kinds of problems I still have with guys, it was like I had at least 2 other guys on the backburner to distract me from my current relationship problems! And it's not that I was cheating with these other guys, but they were just around, to flirt with and make me feel wanted. I mean, how sweet is that! I was so…innocent, naive even, but so bold, unafraid, undaunted, and adventurous. And I wouldn't even say I was confident, I was just…fearless. And now…I've become so cautious, jaded, apathetic, ripped apart and beaten down that it's like…I don't even have the desire, or the drive to go out and find those things anymore. And I wish I did! I wish I could be like that again.

How is it that in every relationship I've ever been in (save one), I always have to question the guy's feelings. He never calls when he says he's going to. Always makes me wait around, takes me for granted, treats me with indifference, doesn't express his feelings, verbally, or otherwise. They've all been the same. Disappointment after disappointment. I just want a guy to really love me, and not be afraid to show it. Not try to change me, or make me less of a woman, less independent, less of who I am, just to make himself feel bigger, stronger, better…

Why does everything have to be a competition??? I'm not looking for competition. I'm looking for companionship. So what if we work together? Why do we have to be competitors? Why can't we just be coworkers? Friends?

Why are men so selfish, inconsiderate, and egocentric?? Why do they have to act so spiteful and mean when they feel they've been bested. Who's even counting?? Why do they always feel like they have to trade up. Like there just might be something better out there. Not to sound narcissistic but, what could be better than me?? I have a lot to offer. I'm smart, unique, and fun. I like to go out do things, travel, laugh, be goofy. I don't get mad easily, and I'm not catty, and I don't like to play games. WHERE are the men who are looking for THOSE things??? And how come the ones who claim to be looking for those things, don't ask me out!? I can't help it if I'm intimidating! If I intimidate anyone, it's because I know who I am, and what I bring to the table. I don't do it intentionally. I'm not mean, or condescending, or patronizing. I'm accepting, and outgoing, and friendly. I'll talk to anyone! But apparently people are afraid to talk to me. ((Sigh))

I'm tired of doing all the work. All the heavy lifting, the worrying, the texting, making all the plans…

I want somebody to make plans with me for once. Invite me out to dinner, or something. Text me goodnight. Call me when he's thinking of me.

I just want somebody to be crazy about me.

And I want to go back to the way I was.

Where is that girl??

And who is this person I have become??

Has the world really shaped me into this hardened, skittish, bitter, cynical, pessimist??

I really am damaged goods.

I think I may be losing faith in humanity.

I thought I could do this. But now I'm not so sure. ((Sigh))

Finally Getting Somewhere

I took the job!

I start Wednesday.

As for everything else...I'm going down to 2 nights a week bartending. Just Friday and Saturday. And Brandon and I are...just friends. Really, actually, just friends. I really don't expect anything, other than friendship. And even though sometimes, I find myself hoping that maybe something could come from us being friends, I'm trying to let it go, and just...move on. And surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. I still have my breakdown moments, and it's a little weird at work, because I find myself slipping into my old habits of just...completely ignoring him. But then he walks up and starts talking to me, and I have to remind myself that it's ok! ((Sigh))

Anyway, I'm moving on with my life. This new job should be a nice change of pace, and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

The Last Supper

Well...the date didn't exactly go as planned. He showed up late, I could tell he didn't really want to be here, and he was drunk! Not hammered or anything, but buzzed, and obviously under the influence.

And he doesn't want a relationship right now.

It's over.

I don't know why he keeps dragging me through the mud like this. Why would he want to spend time with me, without sex, if he didn't care?? But he flat out told me that he just doesn't care enough to want to be in a relationship with me.

So I don't know what I'm going to do now. ((Sigh))

I've already spent the whole night, crying and kicking myself for letting him do this to me again. I feel like I'm back to where I was 2 months ago. I've accomplished nothing, other than reopening my heart to him, so he could break it all over again. And now I just...don't want to think about it anymore.

My interview yesterday went really well. So well, in fact, that I got a call this morning from my contact (the guy who got me the interview), and he told me they want to offer me the job! They just want to make sure I want the job. And I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm going to take it. I have nothing to lose at this point, and I can only move upwards from here, so why not? When I spoke to him, he asked me what I thought, and I said I was surprised! I mean, I went into it knowing I was the least qualified, and I honestly didn't expect them to offer me the job. So I said I needed a couple days to think about it, and he said no problem, to call him back this weekend.

I called my mom and talked to her, and a couple of my friends, and I think this job will be a good opportunity for me. So...hopefully it's still available. I definitely need to make that call soon.

First Interview

Well, I finally said something to Brandon. I just couldn't take it anymore! I called him last night, I was a little tipsy, so the liquid courage might have had something to do with it. And I asked him what was going on, and if he'd changed his mind about us. And he said no, he's just been doing his own thing. And so have I. Which is what I told him. I just said that I wanted to make sure he wasn't having second thoughts, because I wasn't sure he'd tell me if that was the case, and I just don't wanna invest anything more into this for nothing. He said he hasn't changed his mind, he's just been busy, and that was that! Short, sweet, and to the point. Although I'm totally not buying the "I've been busy" excuse. He's pushing me away, which I knew. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't something more serious. We talked for about 15 minutes after that, and yes, we're still on for dinner tomorrow night. I decided on a salmon dish, with pasta and basil cream sauce. I'm excited! I did all my shopping today, so I'm prepared!

Tomorrow morning is my dreaded interview. Not only is it going to be pouring down rain tomorrow morning, but the commute is probably gonna be like an hour! Which means I'm gonna have to leave at like 7am. Ugh... I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to get to sleep tonight! My usual bedtime is somewhere around 4am! ((Sigh)) I'll just be so glad when this is over.

I was invited to a pumpkin carving party Wednesday night, and Summer, Ben, Taryn and Ali, and a bunch of my other friends are gonna be there. I'm looking forward to it. It's my night off! I'm also supposed to go to dinner with Law School sometime this week. He got a new job, apparently, and we haven't hung out in a while, so he said he wants to catch up. And he's buying! So I told him, definitely. I was thinking about inviting him to the pumpkin party, and maybe we could grab dinner beforehand. But I dunno, that might be too...date-like. Or maybe I'm just being ridiculous. We'll see.

Well, I guess I should be getting to bed. Argh. I'm going to sleep with my fingers crossed!