Saturday, June 17, 2017

Changes Are Afoot

Ughh I know I've been so bad at this. It's hard to find motivation to write, when everything seems so stagnant, and/or depressing.
I've been struggling financially and also with trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I love doing photography, but I'm not making enough money. My mom keeps trying to get me to take up bartending again, but I just can't. It would feel like a big step backwards, even if it would help me out financially. And the fact that I'm paying exorbitant amounts of money on my student loans every month, loans towards an education in photography, which I'm proud to say I'm actually pursuing, it would just seem like a total waste to pay back that money with earnings from a BARTENDING job. Ugh... I know everyone struggles with identity crises and financial issues, and everyone does things they don't like or don't want to do to survive. But how do you know what's worth it??
I've applied for personal assistant jobs, art gallery jobs, other kinds of photography jobs... Nothing has come through yet, and I'm barely treading water. ((Sigh))

Anyway, the thing that led me here today, the reason I was actually inspired to write is because I do have some good news. I met someone. And he's different. I know, I know, they're all "different"...
But he is difference because he makes me laugh. He makes me laugh with the weird, silly things he does and says. He doesn't seem to care if I might think he's deranged, or a total freak, but I don't think those things, because the weird stuff he does and says makes me laugh! And I think to myself, Seems like something I would do. And he's confident, but not cocky. He makes a plans for our next date while we're on our current one. He kissed me on our second date, but it was a quick, almost chaste kiss. And it just continued to build from there. And I find myself thinking about him more and more, wanting to be with him more and more... But I'm trying very hard to resist my usual tendency to jump in with both feet. I don't wanna get ahead of myself. I spent the night at his place for the first time last night. And I didn't sleep with him. He definitely tried, but I kept redirecting his efforts until he finally asked why I was being so "squirrelly". Lol. I said because I didn't want to have to tell him that I wasn't going to sleep with him tonight. He asked why, not in a petulant way, but just in a curious way. And I said because I want to err on the side of caution, and he said he respects that. Things still got a bit hot and heavy after that, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it and wasn't seriously tempted to sleep with him anyway. ((Sigh)) He was just as rough as I like it, and the way he kissed me it was like he was devouring me, it was just so...sexy. Ah!!
This morning we woke up super early because his room is so bright. He got up and started making coffee, but I didn't stay. I felt terrible leaving Jasper home alone, and I knew I was going to need a nap. I never sleep well the first night in a new guy's bed. Especially when there wasn't even sex! So I basically spent this entire day in bed, intermittently eating donuts, and constantly thinking about Brett, wanting to text him, but not doing it. We did see each other several times this week, so a little distance is probably healthy for a day or 2. He has been pestering me about coming over to my place but... My mom and I decided to tear up the carpet in the living room last week (there are hardwood floors underneath) so it's a total disaster area! Plus, my sister is out of town, and I'm watching her cats, and Brett doesn't know I have 2 cats. He knows about one of them, and Jasper, but...lol. I'd rather just sorta ease him into the zoo that is my life. But really it's just too messy over here right now. And his place is SOOO neat it barely looks lived in. He's an architect and he built and decorated the whole place himself. I'm afraid he'll come over, see the state of chaos I live in and go running for the hills. ((Sigh)) All the more reason for me to want to get my shit together.
Ohhhh what to do, what to do...

Tuesday, March 28, 2017


When I saw him across the patio, I immediately jumped up from the table, and ran over to talk to him. After a while, he left his group and joined ours. We spent the day discussing feminism and politics and everything under the sun while sipping cocktails. As the sun made its way down the sky and day turned into evening, it felt like everything was simultaneously speeding up and slowing down. I thought to myself, I think I really want this now. Finally. And once I acknowledged that, I just let it take me, the way a river current carries a raft. 
It ended up being just the 4 of us, watching HBO and eating takeout pizza till midnight. And then as we all started to fade, they retreated to their room upstairs, I made my way to the guest room downstairs, and he made himself comfortable on the couch. 
My mind was racing as I brushed my teeth and dressed for bed. I wasn't 100% sure if it was a good idea, but I still wanted to. So I turned out the light, climbed into the bed, and reached for my phone.
"Are you coming?"
And then he was there, beside me, stolid and warm, and yet I felt somewhat remote, and apprehensive. He didn't say much at first, but then, "Do you like to be touched?" and I said it depends on the touch, and the person. He told me to lie on my stomach, and I did, and then I felt the light brushing of his fingers against my skin - my back, my arms, my neck, in my hair, sending tingles and gooseflesh spreading in waves to the tips of my fingers. I sighed and relinquished my doubts. 
"Is this ok?" He asked, and I rolled back over towards him and kissed him, softly at first, then more deeply. He responded in kind, and even though I couldn't see his face, I could feel the strength and tenderness, the tentative yet eager hunger with which he applied himself. It started out very slowly, just the kissing, my fingers in his hair, his hands cupping my face. And then he was leaning over me, unhurriedly pulling my shirt over my head, and dipping to kiss my neck, breasts, stomach, and then my mouth again. I don't remember the last time I felt so desired for myself, not just my body. It was in the deliberate way he undressed me, like he didn't want to rush so as not to miss anything, and the way his hands caressed every inch of me, as if his fingertips were his eyes, and the way he lingered over me with kisses. It was so...intimate. And so deferential. I could feel him asking without ever using words if it was what I wanted, as if he was ready to stop at any sign of mistrust or trepidation.
The sex itself wasn't the best I've ever had, but it was everything else! I'd forgotten what true intimacy really feels like. Having that deeper connection with someone, and just letting go of everything and giving yourself over to that person. I didn't want it to end.
Afterwards I fell asleep with my head on his chest, with one of his arms around me, and the other lightly brushing the hair back from my face. It was entirely peaceful. It felt...right.
I was sad to see him go this morning, and I thought...Who would have thought that after all this time, it could be so intense, so passionate, so...easy? But then again, I can't imagine it being any other way, really. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)

I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

The Space Between Us

I woke up this morning with a photo and a message from Jamie. I slept for maybe another hour, then when I woke up again, we started talking. We chatted for a while, about the election, and some other stuff. Eventually the conversation turned a little bit naughty... He was at work, and I just can't help but tease him when I know he's surrounded by people and trying to control himself lol. So I was revving his engines a little bit, just for the fun of it. Then he said he had to go into a meeting, but we still kept talking....

Jamie: You're pushing a lot of my buttons right now

Me: :) 
Me: I love pushing your buttons. It's very satisfying.

Jamie: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying it also

Me: I know, lol. Are you going to have a hard on in your meeting?

Jamie: Haha it's finished so I'm just about to drive home...

Me: Were you just having that conversation with me DURING your meeting??

Jamie: It was an audio and the big part of the agenda was cancelled

Me: Hahaha. You're still bad...
Me: I do enjoy you, Jamie. Lol maybe too much.

Jamie: How do you mean?

Me: I enjoy how easily I can turn you on for one
Me: And you make me laugh

Jamie: Haha my male weakness for you
Jamie: I'm glad I do though, and it's felt in return also

Me: I hope so

Jamie: No need to hope

Me: I just don't speak to many people with such...candor.
Me: And none of them are male except you
Me: Not that I'm having sexy conversations with my girlfriends or anything...lol.

Jamie: That's good to know and sincerely received. Distance is a bit of a fucker isn't it

Me: Yeaaaa let's just not go there right now

Jamie: Agreed, I'm going to have to jump in the car now though. Can we chat later if you're around?

Me: Sure

Jamie: Enjoy your day x

Me: You too

I didn't hear from again today, but I haven't stopped thinking about our conversation. The fact that he referenced the distance between us in that particular way kind of startled me. I mean did I read that wrong? Was he just referencing the fact that we can't have sex, or was it more than that? At the time, I assumed it was more, but maybe I was reading too far into it, I don't know... I just wasn't prepared for that topic, in any context. And I don't want to talk to him about that via electronics. I want to have that conversation in person, if we have it at all. It's too easy to write something like this off when you're chatting online or via text. I want to see his face and hear his voice, and I want him to do the same.
But who knows. Maybe he didn't mean anything by it.
What I do know is, I love the idea of him. The idea of him being this far off, yet possibly attainable future. And the idea of having someone to talk and laugh with, and kiss and fuck, and be in love with. And everything about him is so disarming to me. I'm not the same way about him as I am with most guys. Not as prickly or wary. I mean yea, he's attractive and charming and I know I can't be the only one who sees that. But he still seems to want me. Despite the improbability of it all, and the inconvenience and maybe even the pointlessness, he still wants to talk to me. Regularly! He still wants to come back and see me. How easy it would've been for him to just...have his fun with me for that one weekend and never talk to me again. It's what I expected, in fact, and I was ok with it! But he didn't do that. He stuck around, figuratively speaking. So now I'm just thinking about him constantly, and trying not to. And I'm hoping against hope that he can be my date to this wedding, and imagining how amazing it will be to see him again. ((sigh))
I guess I really am just a hopeless romantic.