Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Like A Wilting Flower

Like a wilting flower I am
Slowly fading
Once I leaned towards the Sun
Now I am
Slowly waning

With every breath I take I am
Deeply sighing
With each petal I shed
I am
Faintly crying

Like I wilting flower I am
Near expiring
My weight too much to bear
I am
Bent and tiring

That which once did give me life
Has turned his back on me
No Moon, no Stars, no Sun in sight
Just waste

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Moving Backwards

Lately I've been...

I can't stop thinking about Brandon. I don't know why, or when exactly it started but, I've been having dreams, and I've been thinking about him more than usual and...

I miss him.
I wish I could call him, and talk to him and just...have someone to confide in.
It used to be out of sight out of mind with him, but I haven't actually seen Brandon in over a month. I've been out of town on weekends, and so has he, so we've been missing each other at the bar for the last several weeks. But I can't help but wonder if he still thinks about me at all. Or if he ever misses me. And I'm finding it hard to accept how much I really loved him, because...he couldn't have felt that way about me.


Why am I moving backwards??

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Crack In The Foundation

My mom is going through some kind of...midlife crisis or something weird, I dunno. But she just dropped this bomb on me last Thursday that she doesn't think she can live with my Dad anymore. And I don't understand why. Even she says she doesn't understand why. But it's been killing me. I feel like my life is falling apart. Like all the glue that holds me together is just...eroding away.
I've always known that I'm one of the few people out there, at my age, who's parents are still together. And I've always felt like that was a really important part of who I am today.
Because my family is still together, still whole, still...unbroken. And I've always felt that my family is my rock. No matter what happens in my life, with friends, boyfriends, school, work...they will always be there, as my structure, my support system.


And now that's all going away.

I know my parents marriage was never perfect, and they've had their share of issues, but they are both very strongly rooted in their values, and religious, and I always knew that marriage wasn't something they took lightly. So they've always been able to work through their problems. This is what I've always KNOWN.
And now it's like...everything I've always "known" is all just...a lie. A facade. Everything about how I see my parents, what I thought they believed in, what they stood for... It was all a lie.

Whenever I would get sad, or discouraged in love or in life, I would always think, if my parents are still together, and they still love each other, then I know there has to be someone out there for me, and one day I will have that too.

But now I'm not so sure. I feel like my Dad and I are the same. We're...doggedly loyal, and stubborn in our beliefs, and maybe even a bit naive when it comes to love and relationships. But...he would never leave my Mom. He has threatened to before, in the past, when they had problems. But he always stayed, and worked things out, because he loves her. And I never doubted for a minute that he would really leave my mom, or our family. And my dad and I, although we aren't as close as me and my mom, we're alike. And I feel like, if my mom could do that to him, then maybe I should just expect the same. Maybe I should just give up on this hopeless quest for love and just...cash in.

Maybe all this time, I've just been searching for something that doesn't even exist in real life.