Thursday, May 6, 2010

Moving Backwards

Lately I've been...

I can't stop thinking about Brandon. I don't know why, or when exactly it started but, I've been having dreams, and I've been thinking about him more than usual and...

I miss him.
I wish I could call him, and talk to him and just...have someone to confide in.
It used to be out of sight out of mind with him, but I haven't actually seen Brandon in over a month. I've been out of town on weekends, and so has he, so we've been missing each other at the bar for the last several weeks. But I can't help but wonder if he still thinks about me at all. Or if he ever misses me. And I'm finding it hard to accept how much I really loved him, because...he couldn't have felt that way about me.


Why am I moving backwards??


Anonymous said...

Hun, I don't think you are moving backwards at all. Sometimes it just comes in waves and you never know when it's going to hit. This thing with Brandon reminds me of my first real love. We weren't together that long but I loved him with everything I had. Then, out of no where, the rug got pulled out from underneath me and he broke up with me. That was 5 years ago, and I am married to someone else and have a child. But every once in a while I still think about him.

Once you truely love someone, it doesn't matter when they left your life, they will always have a place in your heart....even if you don't want them too. It's just a matter of moving on and learning that just because they are still in there somewhere doesn't mean you are hopeless or pathetic.

Remember, it IS ok to let yourself feel bad and cry....that is how we heal ourselves.


RusticPoison said...

Believe me, I know how ou feel. I still find myself thinking about my ex. I think it had to do with the way we broke up (via instant message, even though I would've seen him face to face 10 days later) and how quickly he moved on. It's a day to day thing. Somedays I don't think about him with her, other days I don't do as good. You just gotta take it day by day. Hang in there. :)

Amy said...

You're thinking of Brandon because he represents a time in your life that you felt happy and safe. You felt in control. I've went through the same thing when I moved back to my home town. I missed my old life because I felt like I had control there. This is the same thing I bet.. You miss the security you felt.
Hang in there! I know that things seem crazy right now, but you'll make it through :)

Fefita said...

I think, that since everything is going hay-wire in your life, you can't help but feel lonely. Since you and Brandon have so much history, and you did have good times, you feel like you miss him, because you don't really have anyone right now. I mean, you have people, but he was your most-recent break-up. I also think that you never got any closure. Maybe you 2 should have lunch together or something OUT of the house in a public area, so no one will be tempted to do anything. You have history, but he did break your heart REPEATEDLY. Maybe you need a vacation? Get out of town. Literally. Go somewhere where you know maybe one person, and thats it. But not in Texas. Get away so you can clear your head, and relax. As for Brandon, like I said, maybe you just need closure. Its hard getting over someone you loved so much. And I think its even harder when it was all kind of an illusion. Wish you the best of luck.

~J said...

Well.. I believe it is normal for someone who is going thru a lot to try to revert back to a time when they were really happy. Wanting to rekindle that happiness they once had to be able to handle the hard things now. It's O.K. to feel that way, but it's not always a good thing to actually act on it. I'm not telling you what you should do, I believe you are smart enough to know what would be best for you and what your heart and head can handle. And I know that sometimes, memories just aren't good enough to get us past a specific time in our lives when we feel we can't take anymore. That being said, I also know that trying to go back to a point when we felt the happiest sometimes doesn't work and we're left feeling even worse than before.
So, I wish you the best of luck. I know you'll make the right decision. :) Keep you head up.

Anonymous said...

i miss your blog peyton! please come back and fill us in on what's been happening :)