PUPPIES!!

So even though I haven't been texting Lane, he's still been texting me, I just haven't been responding. So finally, the other night, just as I was getting into bed after a really long, stressful day, he sent me this message...

Then of course, I couldn't sleep cuz I was just laying there, thinking about him. I sort of ruminated on it for a couple days, and then finally I had so many thoughts, I decided I'd just send him an email and get it all out. So I jotted down a buncha stuff late one night and then went to sleep. Another day or so later, I took all those thoughts I had jotted down and structured them so they made sense, and I sent Lane the email. Here it is...

Ok, so DISCLAIMER!!! I’m gonna be really, really blunt and honest. Probably too much so, but at this point, I feel like it can’t get any worse, so I might as well for ONCE IN MY LIFE say exactly what I’m actually thinking to a guy. 

To further explain why I sorta ghosted you over the last couple weeks…

I’m disappointed about the last conversation we had, for a few reasons. The obvious being that I didn’t get what I wanted out of it, another reason being I don’t think I was SURE exactly what I wanted at the time, so I probably wasn’t very clear, and finally, because all those things I was trying not to think about, and yet still daring to hope for, like the long distance thing, you basically told me that you’d be willing to do those things, just not with me. Ouch. At that point in the conversation, I was basically like “well fuck it, I’ll just tank this right now”, which led to me getting drunk and saying all that shit I said. I did it subconsciously on purpose, because I figured…I dunno. If I never speak to you again, it might as well be my fucking fault.

The thing is, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. I didn’t WANT this happen. The feelings. I’ve had weekend flings with out of towners before and it was fun and light. And then they left and we both got on with our lives. No big deal.  And it’s obvious to me now, that that is all you wanted, and that’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to go beyond that myself. I just wasn’t prepared for what DID happen. 

So last time we talked, when I told you how I felt, you said you like me too, BUT… Everything always has a “but” attached to it. I expected you to say that, pretty much. The distance is too far for a relationship, it’s unrealistic, yada yada… What I didn’t expect was for you to say that yea, you’d do a long distance thing if it was worth it, but you just don’t have the time/inclination/desire to try that with me. As much as that stung, I can’t blame you, because I’ve been where you are now. 

It’s just that all that stuff about me wanting you to ask me to move to LA so I could say no…? I still don’t understand that. Is that some sort of game people play? Because if I thought someone was gonna ask me to do something for them that I had no desire or intention of doing, I would NOT want them to ask me. I would either make it known to that person in some way that I wasn't into it so that they wouldn't ask, or I would avoid the topic all together. I wouldn’t WANT them to ask. That makes no fucking sense to me. But the craziest part is, if you really WERE to ask me to move to LA, I don’t think I WOULD say no. I mean I wouldn’t say OMG YES! and just hop on the next plane, but I would consider it. So, there it is. I’m just a pathetic dummy for thinking or considering ANY of these things because it’s obviously so completely fantastical. 

You are clearly in a different place than I am right now. Your priorities are all about you. And the more time I spent thinking about that, the more I realized how foolish I was being, and the more I realized that our relationship is a bit one-sided. We talk about you, your career, your dreams, etc, most of the time. And when we talk about me, it’s always in relation to you or your situation. I am a very supportive loyal person by nature (if I’m friends with you) so it’s my inclination to want to help and encourage people. But what I DON’T want to be is used or taken for granted. I don’t want to just be that person you call when you’re feeling lost or shitty about your life, or need advice, like some sort of emotional cheerleader, or when you're drunk or just horny, while I’m having all these feelings that I keep to myself because I’m worried that A) you don’t reciprocate them and B) if I talk about them, it’ll scare you off or whatever. 

I basically just decided that right now, I need to not talk to you, because I need to not think about you. Because thinking about you makes me frustrated and sad. Even though our time together when you were here was very brief, it still felt like a loss when you left, because going back to my life the way it was before, suddenly felt like this giant gaping suckfest. I just need some time to get over it. And I will. And then we can go back to being friends.

I hope you enjoyed this short story. Feel free to respond. Or not.

That was last night. And he responded within the hour with this...

This is great! I'm really glad you wrote this out. I hear you, sincerely, and I get it.

My intention wasn't to imply I would do it for anyone else. I did it once, back in the day. It was a surprising amount of drama that I don't want to revisit. I failed to communicate to you what I want and don't think I really understood what you want. I don't think I realized the gravity of the conversation we were having.

So I wholeheartedly respect your desire not to talk for a while. I liked what we had, though it sounds like it may have been selfish and toxic to continue, so should you want to revisit bantering and whatnot, I'll be here. And if not, it was a really fun weekend and I'll remember it fondly.

Before I make this worse, as is my tendency, I just want you to know that if you ever want to call me (not text) about this or anything else personal or vulnerable, don't be afraid to do so.

You're great. As cynical as I can be, I really do believe that everything works out.

Lane

Soooo that's that! It's done. Izzie says she hates him for breaking my heart, and Sophie says he seems very detached. Either way, it's not happening. And I feel less...just less. I feel less about it. 

Now for the GOOD NEWS!! I am fostering a litter of puppies and their mama for a few weeks until the puppies are old enough to leave their mama and they can all be adopted! There are 6 puppies, and mama is a mini poodle. The puppies are obviously mixed with a larger breed though. They all look so different! They're 5 weeks right now, and can't be adopted till they're 8 weeks. I've been so blissed out with them, despite how much work it is. I've got one in my lap right now. He just woke up from napping on my chest. :) Sooo, in short, puppies make everything better! :)

Anonymous Love Letter

For one of my classes this week, we were given an assignment to write an anonymous love or lust letter. All the letters are going to be read out loud, and there will be no commenting or conversation, you know, in order to protect everyone's identities. I thought about this letter for a long time. It's weird, because for some reason I just thought I would end up writing something to Brandon. Because he was my last boyfriend, and things ended really shitty for us, at least on my end. So I thought maybe I could just...let loose on him, ya know? But then when I actually set pen to paper...this is what came out.




You were the scrawny little kid with the big glasses. I was too. You had buckteeth, and a squeaky voice. I had skinned knees and loved to scream. You loved soccer. I loved horses. You came to camp that summer. I still have the pictures of you in a bra. You were a good student, always making straight A’s. I was in art classes and marching band. You were a good head shorter than me. I stuck up for you when the bigger kids teased you. You always saw the silver linings. I saw you as too vulnerable. You liked to wear my letterman jacket because you thought it was cool. I remember walking through the halls with you and laughing. You finally started to grow. I saw people finally start to notice you. You were the soccer star turned varsity football player. I was still in art and band. You never stopped looking at me with that nerdy, disarming smile. I could finally see you at eye level. You laughed at my ridiculous humor. I probably didn’t need the encouragement. You got that Eve 6 CD stuck in your car stereo that one time. I made you a new copy. You became friends with all my friends. I spent every weekend in your pool that summer. You had your first girl troubles. I gave you whatever advice I could. You said you’d never understand girls. I said let’s get married if we’re still single when I’m 30. You laughed and agreed. I thought about how funny that would be. You sat with me in church every Sunday. I never came without a pen and paper. You finally got your own letterman jacket. I got my first boyfriend. You grew another foot that year. I went away to school. You lost the most important game of the season, and everyone turned their back on you. I wasn’t there. You came to my 21st birthday party. I still have the pictures from that too. You never missed my birthdays. I wonder if you know how much that means to me. You got a football scholarship to a school away from home. I congratulated you on the phone. You started seeing her shortly afterwards. I broke a man’s heart. You introduced me to your new girlfriend. I introduced you to my new boyfriend. You pretended to like him. I met my destruction in him eventually. You were there for me. I graduated from college. You came to my party. I stayed at your house that night. You were in your room with her. I was in the next room, with someone else. You got your own apartment. I finally went to one of your college football games. You had gotten so tall. I couldn’t help but really notice you for what felt like the first time. You were briefly unattached. I got to thinking. You got back together with her. I swept my feelings under the rug. You came home sometimes on weekends. I would always see you. You would always talk about her. I wondered if it would last. You told me I was your best friend. I started seeing someone. You told me you were having second thoughts about her. I got dumped at my own birthday party. You saw me cry for the first time. I needed a shoulder to lean on, and you were there. You got your dreams on a silver platter. I was so happy for you. You deserved it more than anyone. I told myself this wouldn’t change anything. You took me along for a ride on your coattails. I had the most amazing time, even though she was there. You broke up with her though. I asked you why. You said it was the distance. I saw my opportunity. You sat with me in church again. I sat between your mom and you. You ate lunch with us afterwards. I couldn’t help but notice our mothers’ stares. You were so different, and yet the same. I thought things might finally be heading in the right direction. You were still my best friend. I found out later about your date. You knew she was a friend of mine. I was devastated. You kept calling me. I wouldn’t answer. You didn’t understand. I finally told you how I feel. You said you didn’t feel the same. I buried my head in the sand. You got back together with her, in the end. I avoided you out of humiliation, and hurt. You moved away. I finally reached out to you. You said it was ok. I just wanted your friendship back. You said I’d never lost it. I alone knew what I had really lost. You got busy with your fame and fortune, your beautiful life. I struggled to find my place in the world. You moved in with her. I moved across the country. You came to visit me once. I gave you both my room. You seemed happy. I want you to be. You have drifted away from me now. I still think of you. You are everything I ever wanted. I am just your friend. You proposed to her late last year. I wept for every missed opportunity. You don’t know that I still love you. I turn 30 next year. You are marrying someone else.

Another Missed Opportunity

((Sigh)) Well I spend the last couple days in a depressed funk. Sunday I didn't eat at all, and spent the evening polishing off a bottle of wine and crying, alone, in my apartment, like the pathetic spinster I apparently am. It just totally caught me off guard. I mean I just talked to Todd last week about getting together over Christmas break. And now I have to hang out with him and his fiancé and it's just going to be an awkward, depressing, bitter experience for me. I mean I know we have drifted apart and our friendship has undergone a lot of strain over the past couple years, but... I just didn't expect him to get engaged. Especially not so soon. And especially not to her. I dunno why, I mean, they've been living together for a while now, and they've been together for long enough that I should have seen it coming. I guess I just thought...7 years...if he hasn't figured out whether or not he wants to marry her yet, then it's probably not meant to be. And I always thought there would be another chance for him and me... I mean I've always had this Taylor Swift "You Belong With Me" feeling about Todd. Literally, that song pretty much describes our friendship perfectly, at least it did at one point. I dunno, now I just feel foolish, and disappointed, and so....empty. Another day, another opportunity missed.

Salty

Ever since last Friday when Wes and I hung out, he's been texting me several times a day. In fact, it's gotten the point where I feel like I'm avoiding him at times. He can be a little...overwhelming. He's one of those people I feel like I can only handle in small doses. And I think it's kind of strange that he calls and texts me so much because I mean, doesn't he have any other friends? He just met me! So you would think he must have other friends here, but it doesn't really seem like it. So anyway, the other night he was badgering me to meet him out at some bar, but I was already home for the night, and didn't wanna go out and blow any money. So here's part of our text message conversation...

Wes: Quit being a fucking bitch to me before I start a facebook war with you. It will be a digital hiroshima like you could never imagine.

Me: Yea whatever

Wes: You are so cool. The bad thing is that you really are that cool but you want me to think otherwise.

Me: Do you ever shut up?

Wes: I can't wait to open mouth kiss you

Wes: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (etc.)

Wes: That's 43 "ha's" not just 1 long one.

Me: I think you really do wanna open mouth kiss me. No matter how many ha's you put afterwards.

Wes: There is no doubt about it

Me: You disgust me.

Wes: Of course I do

Me: You are quite juvenile.

Wes: That so?

Me: Apparently

Wes: Can I get an explanation?

Me: Explanation of what?

Wes: Why I disgust you/you think I'm so juvenile

Me: I'm salty*, remember?

Wes: So you have no interest in ever kissing me?

Wes: Then I apologize

Me: Why are you asking?

Me: And what are you apologizing for?

Wes: Dumb question obviously. I retract my jackass comment. Guess I was off in my social

cues.

Me: Lol, WHICH jackass comment?

Wes: All that apply I guess

Me: Why? I wasn't offended by anything.

Wes: So when we hung out last week and we were staring deeply at one another you didn't want me to even think about kissing you?

Me: We were both under the influence of alcohol and I don't recall us "staring deeply at one another".

Wes: Haha. Fair assessment. You win, I lose. Your still welcome to join me for any future social functions in the near future. On a friend type level of course.

Me: It seems like it's a little too soon for us to have had that conversation. Considering I've only been in the same room with you once.

Wes: I disagree. I obviously took your general kindness and friendly nature at a little more than face value. Guess my lack of social intelligence is a bit more than I had anticipated.

Wes: No malice intended I assure you.

Me: I am generally a friendly and accepting person. Didn't mean to mislead you in any way...

Wes: You did not. I was attracted to you. I apologize for my poor judgement. You're just different than what I'm used to around here and I ran with it. I assure you this had no bearing on my offer to hang out tonight. I just didn't want to miss out on an opportunity to get to know you before someone else did.

Me: Well you pretty much have a monopoly on my company right now, considering I hardly know anyone else.

Wes: I'm not stupid. I know enough about you to know you will be in high demand sooner vs. later.

Me: You flatter me.

Wes: Pshhh

Wes: Doubt that.

Me: Well I disagree.

Wes: :)

(*Salty is a word Wes uses to describe me, which basically means disgruntled, or angsty. How nice of him, hm? Also, any misspellings were his, not mine. Lol.)

So anyway, I went to bed shortly after that, but was woken up the next morning by him sending me the following text message NINE times!

"Shouldn't have said all that stuff last night. I think ur pretty damn cool, so def not trying to weird you out. Lots of drinks equalled poor texting choices last night. So I'm sorry."

After he sent the ninth copy of that message, I finally got irritated and responded...

"OMG. You have sent me the same text like 9 times!! STOP! I get it. You're trying to save face. Nice try. Now leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."

Then of course, he wrote back.

"Sorry it wasn't going through. Apologizing for stupidity isn't the easy way. Nevermind."

"No, but blaming it on alcohol is. Look, I really would like to go back to sleep, so we'll have to debate this later."

"I def meant some of the things I said but that's not the proper setting to say them. But ok, I gotcha."

I finally drifted off into a bitter and resentful slumber. And when I woke up, I realized that I actually have a serious problem on my hands. I can't believe I ever wanted to kiss this guy! The things alcohol can do to the human brain... He's a Grade A pompous idiot! It's one thing to be cocky and sarcastic, but it's another to just assume everyone wants you. Ugh. That is just like the hugest turnoff for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I had a good time hanging out with him last week, and I think he means well but, he's just too...too much! I can't deal with him anymore! I need a break!

The Fairweather Friend Dilemma

Internet is STILL down at my apartments. Ugh...

Anyways, I spent the past week trying to figure out what exactly I want to accomplish in therapy. And I finally figured it out. I need answers. Answers to questions that I've been asking myself for probably about a year now. And since I am still no closer to finding those answers, I decided I needed some help. And here are the questions...


1) Why am I not over Brandon? Is it because I still love him? Is is because I didn't have another guy to move on to right away? Is it because we see each other too much? Is it because he's moved on and I haven't?

2) What am I doing with my life? I need a goal, a path, something to look forward to and aim for, career-wise.

3) Why do all my friends suck?? And by "all" I really mean "most", because I do have a couple good, reliable friends.


So after 3 sessions of therapy, I am finding it a lot easier to open up, and just...talk. It's not as awkward to me anymore, I just let it all out. And I am starting to get closer to answering my questions. We are starting to crack the shell.

The first question: Brandon. I do still care about him, obviously, but I know in my heart, that even if he came crawling back with a diamond ring in tow, that it could never work between us. I would never be able to fully trust him again, or feel secure in a relationship with him. And I would never be able to get over the way he ended things. And that seems to be the problem. The way he ended things. Kind of suddenly, and so...finally. Like slamming a door shut, and locking it. That's it. Break ups for me have never been that cut and dry. That final. And obviously, seeing him at work every weekend doesn't help. But distractions (i.e. Gavin) don't really seem to be helping in the long run either. Although, I'm definitely not ready to give up on Gavin just yet. More on that in a minute.

The second question: my future. I need to move on from this job. My 2 office mates have both been offered permanent positions with the company, and I have not. Which leaves me to wonder why that is. And while I could spend sleepless nights worrying and debating over this, I'm not going to, because frankly, it doesn't matter. I never intended to stay here forever. I don't even like this job. The only thing intellectually stimulating about it is the books I read during all my downtime. Which, very well could be the reason I'm not being offered a permanent position. But I'm not willing to give up my books. Not happening. That's about the only thing keeping me sane right now. And don't you guys go off talking shit, telling me I should be working, not reading, because trust me. I get my work done. And every one in this office has prolific amounts of spare time. It's just that most of them use that time to shop online, or read celebrity gossip blogs whereas, I read books. So I think it's time to move on from this. I don't want to get stuck in limbo again, like I did with bartedngin. And I know I want to go back to school, and I feel like I really need to get out of Houston. But there are just so many things I need to do in order to make that happen, and that stresses me out. So my therapist is going to help me with that.

And finally, the third question: my friends. Let me start off by telling you the most recent incident I had, with Bethany. After we went out on the boat a couple weeks ago, and I had so much fun, that I couldn't stop thinking about it, I was really looking forward to last Sunday, when I could finally go out on the boat again. And Bethany and I instant messaged about it, and I asked her if we were going this [past] Sunday, and she said yes, and I told her how excited I was, etc. Then on Wednesday, I texted Marc, just to make sure everything was still on, and he said he wasn't sure he was going to have enough room, because his girlfriend, Rae, had invited all her friends. So I told him to keep me posted, and he said he'd let me know by Saturday afternoon. I relayed all this info to Bethany, and she said, "If Rae's friends are going, I dunno if I'm gonna go, cuz her friends suck! They're all stuck-up, high maintenance chicks. It's not gonna be as fun with them around."
And I said, "Well...I've never met any of them, so I'm willing to take that chance."
"Well, ok, if you still want to go, I'll go with you. If not, we can lay out at my pool or something on Sunday."
So I agreed.

So Saturday afternoon, I texted Bethany again, and asked her if she'd talked to Marc at all, and she said no, so I texted him. And he said, "Well right now we've got about 11 people, so it's lookin' like we're pretty full."
I replied, "Oh ok, well if anyone doesn't show up, let me know!"
And he promised he would.
Again, I relayed this info back to Bethany, she didn't respond. I went to work Saturday night, in a very good mood, on account of Gavin and I hooking up the night before. Then Sunday morning, I woke up earlier than normal, around 10:30 or so, and texted Bethany.
"Hey do you still wanna go lay out today?"
Then she called me.

Me: Hello?
B: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Nothing, I just woke up. Did you still wanna go to the pool?
B: Well I'm on my way to Marc's.
Me: Oh.
[Wind suddenly out of my sails]
B: Summer called me like an hour ago and she was like, "Get up, we're goin' on the boat", so I just got up, got dressed and left.
Me: Ok...
B: She didn't call you?
[As if she didn't know.]
Me: Ummm...no...
B: Oh, well--
Me: Hey I gotta go, I'm on the other line.
B: Oh, ok well I won't keep you then.
Me: Ok bye.
>click<

I rolled over in bed and literally wanted to cry. I don't even know why. I just couldn't believe she would do that to me. She knew how much I wanted to go. She knew! It was all I'd been talking about all week! And if I had been in her shoes, I would have told Summer to call her and invite her! Or I would have stayed home, and hung out with her like we'd planned. ((Sigh)) She really, really hurt my feelings. And she really let me down. Again. It felt just like it did when she told me she wouldn't be here for my birthday, because she would be in Florida, visiting her boyfriend. Seems like all my friends have other friends they would rather hang out with. It hurts to be no one's first priority.

So I went to the pool with Ali that day, and had a decent time, but I wasn't feeling very social, and I was pretty upset and irritable for most of the day, though I tried my best to hide it. Bethany texted me later on and said, "Be glad you didn't come out on the boat, Rae's friends suck! This is no fun."
I started to type back, "It doesn't really matter, you know, since I wasn't invited." But I deleted it and tossed my phone back in my bag. No response would be better.

I haven't talked to her since that morning. And when I told my therapist everything, it occurred to me that the reason these things upset me so much is because I would never do something like that to a friend. I would have made sure she could come along, or I would have stayed with her, without even a second's thought. I'm a good friend, and I'm doggedly loyal, but no one else seems to be. I just don't understand this. I don't understand how people can treat their friends this way. It's just like with Melissa and Law School. Just like with Alyssa not wanting me to be in her wedding. I have all these fairweather friends, who only stick around as long as it's convenient for them.
Right now, I only have 2 people I can really count on: Izzie, and Jenna. And of course, Izzie is in Austin, with her child and husband, and you know...her life. And Jenna lives with her boyfriend as well, but she's definitely more available to me, now that she lives in Houston again. She and I went and saw Eclipse together last night (SO GOOD!).

Soooooo...
The third question: my friends. In my therapist's words, they don't provide me with the support that I need. I don't really have any one person I can always count on. Then the question she (my therapist) asked me was,
"So do feel you need to move somewhere else, and get a fresh start, or do you think you could find some new friends, and start over here?"

And that's another thing. I don't know.

Moving Backwards

Lately I've been...

I can't stop thinking about Brandon. I don't know why, or when exactly it started but, I've been having dreams, and I've been thinking about him more than usual and...

I miss him.
I wish I could call him, and talk to him and just...have someone to confide in.
It used to be out of sight out of mind with him, but I haven't actually seen Brandon in over a month. I've been out of town on weekends, and so has he, so we've been missing each other at the bar for the last several weeks. But I can't help but wonder if he still thinks about me at all. Or if he ever misses me. And I'm finding it hard to accept how much I really loved him, because...he couldn't have felt that way about me.

((Sigh))

Why am I moving backwards??

Caught Up In A Book

I know I haven't written in a while, but it's because I'm reading The Pillars of the Earth and I CANNOT put it down! It's so good!!

Anyways, I finally talked to Todd. Monday night I noticed on his FB page that he and Andrew are throwing their party this weekend, and my feelings were really hurt that he didn't invite me. But then again...I did tell him that I didn't wanna talk to him for a while, so I figured it was my own fault. And I decided to call him.
He answered the phone on the first ring. He was in the car with Andrew. We chatted for a bit, but I still felt kind of awkward. He did invite me to the party, but obviously, at such late notice there was no way I would be able to get off work at the bar. I wouldn't have gone anyways, it's just...still a little weird for me. Mostly I just feel discredited, and like he thinks I'm crazy or something. Melissa has told me so many things that Jayme has said about me, like that I told her I was going to "murder her in her sleep" for dating Todd, etc etc... So I'm sure she repeated those things to Todd, and I dunno... I just feel like when it comes to Jayme, Todd is completely deaf to everything I say. Our conversation was short, and unfulfilling, and I got off the phone with him still feeling sad, and empty about our relationship. He's going to be home for Easter though, so I'm hoping we can talk and hang out and maybe things can start getting back to normal.

I just got a text message from Brandon. What. Thefuck.

Oh. He just wanted to know if I'm working tonight because he has my Christmas present from Summer. Yea, that's how long it's been since Summer and I have hung out! I miss her. I can't wait till it gets warm again and we can start going out on Mark's boat on Sundays! I hope we do anyway. He has a "serious" girlfriend now, and I'm not sure how she will feel about all us girls coming along on their weekend expeditions to the lake. But we'll see...

There are a couple things I would like to mention about Brandon, since we're sort of on the subject. The last 2 weeks at work have been weird. Not as far as I'm concerned, because it's gotten to the point where I can really be nice to Brandon now. I'm not mad at him anymore, and I don't feel the need to be hostile or defensive. It's all faded away, finally. Which is nice. And I think because of that, he feels like he doesn't know how to act around me?? I'm not sure. But 2 people have said some strange things to me in the past couple of weeks.

1) Greg made a comment 2 weeks ago, while he and I were doing inventory. I was talking about saving the elephants (they are endangered and there are only enough of them left on the planet to fill 1/3 of a football stadium!!!) and Brandon said something negative, I can't even remember what. But he said it just for the sake of disagreeing with me, because that's what he always does. And I just said, "Well I think you are being negative, and I don't like it", in a jokingly haughty tone. And Greg said, "You two stop flirting so we can finish inventory!"
And I was so shocked, and taken aback by his comment that I was speechless! Literally. Speechless. So I continued calling bottles out to him without another word.
Then later that same night, I was telling Greg about how Nick, my creepy neighbor, was stalking me, and I laughingly pleaded him to come home with me and pretend to be my boyfriend. Brandon was standing nearby, but he wasn't part of our conversation, and I didn't even think he was listening, but he said something unintelligible to Greg, and then Greg said something unintelligible back, but I heard my name.

"What did you say??" I asked Greg.

"Oh, nothing! I'm not going to repeat it or I might get my ass kicked!" He said.

"WHAT?? Tell me what you said!" I protested, but he wouldn't.

Then, finally, when Brandon left the room, he told me that he said, "Well if you wanna go home with Peyton, I'll cover for you."

And I was like, "WHY would you say that???" But he just shook his head, shrugged and smiled.

????

2) One of our kind of new girls (not so new anymore, but still new to me), her name is Amelia, who I actually really like, made a comment last week, that Brandon still flirts with me all the time. And I argued that he doesn't, but she just smiled and raised her eyebrows at me, and insisted that he does.

But I don't know. I'm still sticking by my theory that he just doesn't know how to act around me anymore. But the idea that he might someday realize what he threw away, and beg me to take him back, is still somewhat thrilling. I know I don't want to be with him, and it would never work out between us, but there are still residual feelings there, lying dormant, deep inside of me somewhere. Because even now, my heart is still racing after seeing his name pop up unexpectedly on my phone. ((sigh))

I wish he didn't have that power over me. I don't even know why he does. It's just like, every time I see him, I'm so aware of him, it drives me crazy!

Anyways, I'm officially calling it quits with Tennis Shoes Dave. I'm just not attracted to him, and I just can't make myself be attracted to him. I'm tired of wasting my time with guys I'm not really that into. He's nice and all but...the chemistry's just not there. And I'm so busy, all I wanna do is have fun and be single when I have spare time.
Ali and I have been hanging out a lot lately, because she just got dumped, and she's been really depressed. So she's been calling me and texting me every day, and we went to the movies on Tuesday. Last Sunday, Taryn and I did a little bit of Sunday Funday. I miss that! Being able to go out all day Sundays, and have fun with my girlfriends. So now, me, Ali, Taryn, and technically Bethany (but not really, cuz she's been seeing Ben's cousin, unofficially) are all single!
Alli and I are gonna hang out this Sunday, so Taryn will probably come too.

And next Saturday, I got the night off! Jenna and I are supposed to hang out, and Todd's gonna be in town, but I haven't decided if I'm gonna invite him out with us yet. I'm sure Jenna will be against that.

But right now I feel like things are really looking up. This morning, me, Veronica and Dana (my officemates) had a meeting with the head honcho boss lady about our projects. We were all really nervous about it, cuz she asks a lot of hard hitting, randomb, obscure questions, that almost no one knows the answers to off the top of their head, but it went surprisingly well! And she thanked us, and told us we were really helpful. So things at work have been good.
And I am really, completely, actually and totally no strings attached. To anyone!

And I feel so carefree! Tonight is going to be a good night at work. I can tell, cuz I'm in such a good mood!

No One

Why do I feel like Todd chose Jayme over me? I don't mean in a romantic sense, I just mean...it's like he chose to date her, rather than be friends with me. I know this sounds completely irrational, it's just...I can't help but feel that way! Ugh... He sent me a text the other night that said,

"Hey Peyton! I know you don't really want to speak right now, but just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated all the pictures and frames that you set up for me. I didn't expect anything and was really blown away. Thank you so much!"

((Sigh)) I wanted to write back and say something like..."It's not that I don't want to speak to you, I just need some time", but I just didn't respond. I just feel really hurt and trampled on. It's like he hardly knows this chick, but he's known me for 20+ years and instead of really taking my advice to heart, or even just considering it, he just completely disregards everything I say, and the way this whole situation makes me feel. I mean, what if they end up staying together?!? I will never be ok with that. Never. And I hate that he would rather spend all his time with her! I wanted to hang out with Todd while he was here, and now it's like I can't even talk to him! Part of me feels like Jayme manipulated this whole situation just to get me out of the way!!
ARRRRRRRRRRGH! I know how crazy this all sounds. Completely insane. Off the reservation. Batshit crazy. I know, I know. It's just...wtf is up with all my friends lately?? Why?? It's like just when I feel like I have someone I can really count on, they throw me under the bus. And what sucks the most is that at the end of the night, you know when you get in bed, and you kinda feel like crying, but really you just need somebody to talk to? I have no one.
No one.


Quote Of The Day:
"Stupid fucking cunty bollocks..... expialidocious."

Enter, Dave

A couple weeks ago, when Todd and I went out to dinner with my friends, he came over afterwards, and we looked through all my photos of his season. He picked out several that he wanted me to put on a CD for him, so that he could have prints made and hang them in his new place in Dallas. Well, since his birthday is next week, I went ahead and had the prints made for him. Then all the shit with Jayme went down, but I had already paid for the prints. And I still wanted to give them to him. So Saturday during the day, I went and picked them up and then I had them all framed. There were about 16 photos, and most of them were 8x10 or 8x12 so it came out to around $200 with the frames. ((Sigh)) But...the way I see it, Todd has done so much for me, and there's not really a whole lot I could give him that he couldn't get somewhere else. So I wanted to give him that. And I know how much it means to him.
So I headed over to my parents house afterwards and told them to give the pictures to Todd. They were heading out to his party, which I had been planning to go to, but decided against it. I told Todd I thought it was best if I just...took myself out of the picture for a while, because it's not like my feelings are something I can just switch on and off. And thinking about him and Jayme together just hurts.
So instead, I went and hung out with Jenna and her boyfriend. It was his birthday party, and Jenna really wanted me to go. Plus, she said she wanted me to meet this guy. I warned her that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, and I'm trying to get over my feelings for Todd, and I'm just...really not in the right place to be meeting guys.

"FINE! Just come, and meet him. No pressure. You don't have to marry the guy or anything!" She said.

I sighed, and reluctantly agreed. We met at one of our old hangouts from back in the day. My ex-fiance's brother still works there. He hates me. Awkward...

But Jenna and I had a really good time. I'm so glad she's moving back! She actually going to be staying with me next weekend. But we goofed off, and talked, and I didn't get drunk or anything. I'm trying to lay off the booze for a while after Thursday... So I just had one glass of apple cider, and that was it. And I met Dave. He lives next door to Jenna's parents, and coincidentally, he's friends with Jenna's boyfriend and all his friends too. Small world I guess.
Jenna kept making eyeballs, and dramatic gestures to the table behind us, to point him out to me. She was desperately waiting for an opportunity to introduce us. But Dave beat her to it when he came over and sat down next to me. It kind of surprised me actually, cuz he just sat down and started talking! He's a little bit older (early 30's. And I mean older as in, compared to guys I usually date), very attractive, calm, and nice. He has his own house, went to college, and he has a good job. He's actually a chiropractor and he's looking into starting his own practice. And he has a really warm smile. There's something about him just kind of puts a person at ease, ya know?
I didn't bother flirting with him, or putting my best face forward or any of that. I just talked to him, like a normal person. And I was totally myself. When Jenna and I went off on a Step Brothers quoting rant, I didn't hold back. Lol. So he pretty much saw me for me. And at the end of the night, when he didn't ask for my number, I didn't care! I mean, I kind of expected him to, but I wasn't bothered when he didn't. I had a good time with my cousin, and that's all that mattered.
But just as I was getting into bed that night, Jenna called. She wanted to tell me that Dave was mad at himself for not getting my number, but he was under the impression that I was going back to the hotel with everyone, so he thought he would have another opportunity. So Jenna told him she was going to be staying with me next weekend, and she asked him if he wanted her to arrange for us to all get together again, and he said yes. Lol. So now, Jenna and I are in the process of planning some kind of...group hang? I dunno, but we wanna do something fun, relaxing and you know, no pressure. Jenna suggested roller skating. And I'm down with that, I haven't gone roller skating in so long! Anybody else have any suggestions?

I wanna try a new approach with this guy. I mean, I don't even know if I like him, and I'm definitely not ready to jump into anything, but he's nice, and I definitely wanna see him again. And Jenna says he's the "settle down type of guy"; he's not into casual flings. Which is good, because honestly, I think I am a settle down type of girl. I just haven't found the right guy yet. And I'm going to take my time finding him. And I'm going to be myself and put myself first for once. You know, not put so much effort into making the guy happy in the relationship. And I'm not getting ahead of myself here, I'm not saying that DAVE is going to be my next boyfriend. I just decided that...when it happens, it happens, and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.

Not In The Cards For Me

1) If you wanna say something rude, go right afuckinghead. But don't be a PUSSY, and put your name to your comment!!! I fucking dare you.

2) The stories I post sometimes, are not merely exercises in creative writing, they're true! :) They're memories; things that have made a major impact on my life.

Moving on...
Todd called me Tuesday night and we talked. The good news is, he and are fine, and I feel really solid about our relationship. He's not going anywhere, and that will never change. He cares about me a lot, and he said we've known each other too long for him to feel weird or awkward around me, no matter what happens. And he said he was sorry for hurting my feelings.
The bad news is, he said he doesn't see me that way. He said he thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous, but he just sees me as a friend. And apparently we had a conversation about this right before the season started, but I was drunk and I don't remember. I have GOT to stop doing that! I feel so stupid. Ugh... So he said he thought I knew what his feelings were, and it was not his intention to hurt me. The other thing is, he and Jayme didn't go on a date Sunday night. They went out with a group of people. She just failed to mention that. She made it sound like it had just been the 2 of them, am I wrong?? I mean I pasted the text messages, exactly as she wrote them. And I told Todd that too.
And after we talked about our relationship and everything, he asked me about Jayme. And I basically said, "Look. When I heard you were interested in her, I talked to a couple friends, just to get some advice, and they all said the same thing: that I was obligated to tell you how crazy she is. That I had to warn you."
So I did. I told him that he's way too good for her. That last year, she would never have given him a second glance. Sure, she probably would have liked him, had they gotten to know each other, but she wouldn't have even bothered. She just likes him now because of what he has to offer. And I told him that she gets insanely jealous with all her boyfriends, and screams, yells, and hits them, and just...completely freaks out... And I didn't think he would want to deal with that. Bottom line is, he's too good for her. Wayyyyyy too good for her.

And it's true, Jayme and I aren't really friends, by definition. We are coworkers, who get along, and who have hung out together from time to time, and I have never bore her any ill will. And if the tables had been reversed, I never would have made the decision she made. I never would have even approached her guy friend, and asked him out, knowing what she knows about Todd and I, if she were in my position. But clearly, she doesn't hold that same regard for me, and that's just the way it is.

Also, she lied and exaggerated about the situation! She led me to believe that she and Todd went out on a date Sunday night, and that he had asked her out again. But really, it was a group of people who hung out Sunday, and really she was the one who asked him out! So I think maybe she just wanted me to think that he was really interested in her, so that I would feel guilted into giving them my blessing. ((Sigh)) Whatever. It's none of my concern anymore. I warned Todd about her, he knows I care about him as his best friend, and I'm very protective of him. And he's smart. He will come to see what everyone else already knows. It will never last.

I'm still pretty depressed that he says he could never see me in a romantic light. I mean, never?? How can you say never? Things can always change, right? ((Sigh)) But I'm not going to hold out hope, because that would be foolish. And I love him so much (as a friend) that even if it hurts like hell, I will always be his friend, and I will always stand by his side, and be there for him, no matter what. And I know, at least, that he does feel the same, in that respect.

But there was more to our conversation... When I told him that my friends had said I needed to warn him about Jayme, he asked me who had said that. Because Jayme had told him that some mutual friends of ours had been telling her not to worry about me, and to just go for it. And Todd said that even though he'd promise not to name any names, he thought that if the same people were talking to me and to Jayme, I deserved to know who they were, because obviously they aren't very loyal friends.

So I named the people I talked to: Izzie, Ben, Bethany, and Melissa. And apparently Melissa is the backstabber! I just couldn't believe it. She had always been a good friend to me. Why would she tell Jayme to not worry about me, and just go out with Todd??
Then I remembered the text message she had sent me earlier that day. This is what it said,

"Peyton, I know u r really upset & mad right now, but u and Jayme have never been good friends. Todd's a nice guy, do you really think she would let this opportunity pass her up? I'm just trying to be honest."

And while that's true, why would she say that to me?? All I needed from her was a friend to lean on, someone to listen. I didn't respond to her text, but when Todd told me that she had told Jayme not to worry, "because she's not going to be reasonable about this anyway", I was just crushed. I mean, she and Jayme aren't even friends!! They've gone to work out together a couple times, but they are friendly acquaintances, at best. Melissa is supposed to be my best friend! And I'm not saying she should take sides, I just think she should have stayed out of it! It wasn't her place to call Jayme and talk to her about my problems! She had nothing to do with it! And that's exactly what Todd said, "I can't understand why she wouldn't just mind her own business".

So Tuesday night, I went to a movie with Ali (When In Rome) and after the movie, I took a deep breath, and called Melissa. I just wanted to make sure and remain calm throughout the conversation. I didn't want a screaming match. So when she answered, I said my calmest voice,

"Are you somewhere where you can talk?"

"Yea, what's up?"

"Well...I'm really mad at you, and upset and hurt. I can't believe that you would reach out to Jayme, and tell her that she should just go ahead and date Todd, because I'm never going to be reasonable about it. I just can't fucking believe that you would stick your nose in where it doesn't belong, and undermine me like that. Why would you go out of your way to say that to her, when you're one of the few people who actually knows how I truly feel about Todd!?"

"First of all, how dare you cuss at me and talk to me like that! I did not reach out to Jayme or say those things! And you have no right to talk to me like that! If this is the way you're going to talk to me, then this is where our friendship ends!"

And she hung up on me.

I tried calling her back, but of course she didn't answer. And now, I was furious, and really hurt. She didn't even offer to explain herself, she just got mad, and her first reaction was to end our friendship! WTF!!?? Now I know how Tim must feel ALL THE TIME. Not to mention, she knows better than to take offense to me cussing. I know it's a bad habit, but anyone who knows me, knows I cuss like a sailor!
And so the text message battle ensued...

Me: I can't believe you're not even going to hear me out and you're just gonna cut me off like that. CLEARLY I'm upset and I wanna clear this up. How can you sit here and make this about you??
Me: I just had the heartbreak of my life, then I find out from TODD that you were talking to Jayme about me. I thought I knew where your loyalties were, and I didn't think they were with Jayme.
Me: And it hurts my feelings even more that you could be so quick to end a friendship.

Melissa: I cannot believe you have the nerve to talk to me like that after I've always been there for you when Bethany and Summer and whoever else hasn't. U can be mad & act ridiculous I'm not worried about it. I have my own problems including my relationship with Tim, taking care of my sick granny & mom plus school. If you had talked to me things would have been different. I'm not playing these dramatic games with you, just leave me alone.

Me: Talk to you like what? Like I'm upset?? I'm not playing games. I can't believe you would hang up on me! That's immature and ridiculous. It would be much easier to TALK but if you're not worried about it then fine. You just wanna kick me when I'm down, not explain ANYTHING to me, not listen to what I have to say, just >click<. That's real nice.
Me: You were the last person I expected to hurt me like this. I don't know why you would reach out to Jayme instead of talk to me, and I can't believe that you could be so flippant and cold, and without giving it a second thought, end our friendship. Soooo fucked up.

Melissa: Undermine you, cuss at me and feel the need to talk to me like I'm beneath you. No, that's not ok & I'm not going to listen when I know nothing I say will change ur mind. I know u better than u think. I've always been loyal. I've always looked out for you. I've always been a good friend. I cannot believe u would react like this bc I talked to Jayme on the phone. Peyton, u are exaggerating & don't use words that I can't understand to make me feel stupid...

I didn't respond anymore after that. By this time, I was in my bed, sobbing, and just ready to go to sleep. But let me tell you what I think.
First, did I use any big words in that conversation that any of you couldn't understand??? Because I wasn't trying to patronize her.
Second, if she has so many of her own problems, and she's not "worried" about me, then why would she even expel the effort to call Jayme? It wasn't her concern!! And I think I have every right to be upset, because she obviously didn't want me to find out that she talked to Jayme. She obviously told Jayme not to tell me they talked, because Jayme made Todd promise he wouldn't tell me! And I'm sorry, but I will take Todd's word over anyone's, any day.

I was really upset and hurt and disappointed after that so-called conversation with Melissa. I mean how much rejection can any one person handle in a day?? But now I just feel...resolved. I mean I'm not going to kiss her ass or try to convince her to be my friend. I'm just sick and fucking tired of trying to make everyone happy. This conflict with Melissa never should have happened! Because none of this had anything to do with her!! And she's the one being dramatic, by telling me she's ending our friendship and then hanging up on me! What are we in high school again??
I know, I'm not without my problems, and drama seems to follow me wherever I go, but try to avoid being the cause of any of it. And try to stay away from people who are the cause. People like Jayme, and I hate to admit it, Melissa! She is like the most dramatic person I know!

So I've decided I'm just gonna lay low for a while. I have a couple of things already on the books for the next couple weeks but I'm pretty much not going to talk to anyone who isn't a relative, I'm not going to log into Facebook for like 2 weeks, and I'm just gonna stay home and be alone. I just don't feel like being around anyone. I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted, and beaten down. I just feel like...shit. Nothing ever seems to happen the way I want it to. I can't just be happy. It's just not in the cards for me.

The Worst Possible Situation EVER.

Ok... A lot of you are asking questions, so I'll explain what happened. First off, Jayme is a friend of mine who works at the shot bar. I've mentioned her here before. She and Summer used to be best friends. She's got huge fake boobs, and bleach blond hair, and she's a playboy-esque model. TOTALLY NOT the type of girl that I EVER thought Todd would go for. Which really hurts... But this is what happened.

Almost right after I posted yesterday, I got a text from Jayme. This is our conversation.

J: Hey call me when u get a free minute
Me: Well that won't be till 4ish. Why? What's up?? Tell me!!

Jayme rarely sends me texts, and we don't hang out much these days, so I had no clue what this was going to be about

J: Lol nothing really... Todd came into my bar the other night and got my number and we hung out last night.. I have always been under the impression y'all are best friends but I wanted to be sure because he wants to take me out again tomorrow.. And we talked about y'alls relationship and he told me y'all are like family and whatnot so I figured y'all really are just best friends but I didn't want to step on anyones toes if there was anything else going on. I'm sure I'm just paranoid but I wanted to come and ask u if it was cool with u if I hung out with him and what u thought about it.. Everyone says y'all are best friends and he said u were like a sister so I just wanted to be sure! Tell me what u think...

At this point all the blood had rushed to my face, I couldn't breathe and I was trying really hard to not start crying.

Me: Um...wow. Well honestly I have feelings for him, I just never told him, bc I didn't know how. But um...I don't know what to say.
Me: The truth is I've been in love with him for 2 years, but he's always had a gf. I really can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.

J: Ooooooh really??? Ok I won't hang out with him.. He told me y'all were like family so I had no idea.. I'm sorry.. I will stop talking to him!
J: Oh my gosh Peyton I'm sorry... We didn't do anything, just had dinner and some drinks.. I won't talk to him.. I had no idea

Me: Well...now I don't know what to do! He's gonna know its bc of me. I don't wanna tell you not to hang out with him. An if he thinks of me as a sister, that's certainly not good...((sigh))
Me: What did you ask him about me?? I didn't even know you were single. What are you gonna do/say to him??

J: Well he just called me and we talked about it for a minute.. He wants u to call him when u get off work...

Me: WHAT?!? WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM???
Me: PLEASE tell me you didn't tell him!!
Me: JAYME! TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID! I'M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK! Don't say anything else to him about me!

J: Well we were talking about the situation and he said he already knew... He said you've had friends ask him what he thinks about u and stuff and he said you've hinted you've wanted to go on a date... I told him that this was awkward because I thought he thought of y'all as family (like a sister) and he said yes that's what he's always thought but that I guess recently you've tried to find out what he thinks of u...? or something...? anyways, I told him I thought u had some feelings for him and wasn't sure we should continue to talk and he got a little upset and said he wanted to see me again and I just don't know what to do.. And I don't want to hurt u and I've been single for about a month...
J: He said he needs u to call him so y'all can talk about all of this. I'm gonna stay out of this.. I really don't want drama and that's why I was making sure y'all were really "like family" so I won't talk to him until he tells me what is happening and then I'll go from there.. I'm not about to start a relationship with anyone anyways.. Seriously we just hung out for a couple of hours yesterday.

Me: Well honestly I never asked any friends to do any of that, so I really don't know who's been saying stuff to him. And I never said anything about a date bc we're just FRIENDS! And you CAN tell him that. I'm sorry you got dragged into this. I'm not going to call him. You can go out with him tomorrow, whatever, I don't care.
Me: I always respected him, and the fact that he was in a relationship and never tried to HINT that I liked him cuz I didn't want him to know! Are you on the phone with him again? cuz now I'm hurt, upset and PISSED. Not at you just...I wish I knew where he was getting this information from.

J: No I'm just running a bunch of errands, sorry. You aren't going to call him..? You sure you don't care I see him?

Me: Yes I care, Jayme. I feel like absolute shit, but I'm not gonna dictate who he can or can't see. I'm sitting in my cubicle trying to make it till 4 without bursting into tears!! I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. But do what you want. Todd likes you, go for it. He's a great guy, who I obviously don't deserve.
Me: And if you tell him any of this I will murder you in your sleep.

Then Todd sent me a text: Hey call me when you get off work.

I didn't respond. At 4 o'clock, I literally ran out of my office. Todd tried to call me. I didn't answer. As soon as I got in the car, I called Jayme. No answer.

So I texted her.

Me: Can you please call me?? Cuz Todd just tried to call me, and I don't wanna talk to him until I know exactly what is going on.

J: Peyton, this is between y'all, not me. Please leave me out of this.

Me: I know that! I just wanna know exactly what you said to him.

I tried calling her again. Still no answer.

Me: Jayme. Seriously? You can't avoid me forever. I'm not mad, I just need to talk to you. This is really important.

J: Ok. Give me 5 minutes.

Then finally, I talked to her.

She said he went into the shot bar Saturday night, before he came to my bar, and she gave him her number. Then they hung out Sunday night, after we all went out to eat. And yesterday he flew out to make a speech somewhere, but he said he was flying back Tuesday to take her out again. And she told him the thought I might have feelings for him, and she felt awkward and didn't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt my feelings. And then he told her that she would be hurting his feelings if he didn't go out with her, because he thought they had a "real connection". WHAT!?? Ugh... Of course, this is all from Jayme's mouth, not his. And all the while this was going on, he was calling me, and calling me, and calling me. But I just couldn't bring myself to answer because I wasn't ready to have that conversation with him. I'm still not!
So Jayme said that she thinks I should call him, and that he really wants to talk to me, cuz I'm his best friend, blablabla... But I told her I just can't. Not yet. And I made Jayme promise that she wouldn't tell him we had talked, or anything I said. And she agreed. And I told her she would have to go out with him because otherwise he would know it was because of me.

After I got off the phone with Jayme, I called Izzie. She and I had been google chatting at work while all this was going on, so she was caught up on the story. She told me not to talk to Todd until I was calm. Because I wasn't obligated to answer his phone calls, and I was clearly in no fit state to talk to him. He was still trying to call me when I was on the phone with her, so I texted him saying I was on hold with the cable company and couldn't click over, but if he was calling about Jayme, I didn't care if he went out with her, and I didn't know what Jayme had told him I'd said, but Jayme's a bit on the dramatic side, and I really don't care.

Obviously that was a boldfaced lie, but I just wanted him to stop calling!
He texted me back asking me to call him when I got off the phone. But I never did, obviously.

I turned off my phone after that. My mom came over, and we talked about it. She said she knows I've liked Todd for a while now, but it's not the end of world, blablabla...usual mom stuff. But she doesn't know how I really feel about him.

I just didn't want it to happen this way. I wanted to tell him when I was ready! And not because of JAYME. ((Sigh)) Now he's telling Jayme he already knew I liked him, which when I think about it it's like...well if he knew I liked him, then why would he go off and try to date one of my friends!?

I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I've just been dumped, before I ever even got a shot with Todd. I just...can't take this anymore. It's like no matter what I do, I can't make things right. Everything is always screwed up. And I've never met a guy as great as Todd, and I don't know if I ever will, and for me to be with anyone else would feel like settling. Am I just not deserving enough to be loved by someone I deem worthy?? It's always just rejection. Every guy I've ever cared about has disappointed me in some major way. I just don't wanna do this anymore. I've never felt so heartbroken before because...not only am I in love with him, he's my best friend.

I woke up this morning, still feeling like shit, but with a little resolve. And when I got to work this morning, I wrote Todd an email. I haven't sent it to him yet, but I'm going to. Here it is...


"Ok, I don't really know where to begin, so this might just sound like a bunch of rambling. But I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday, I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and I turned my phone off.

First of all let me say, that your friendship means more to me than anything else, and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize that. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I don't really have a lot of people in my life that I can call true friends, who I can really count on. But I've always considered you a true friend, and as such, I want you to be happy, and I have always put your best interests ahead of my feelings.

That being said, my feelings for you are really...complicated. And I never meant to have this conversation with you in this way. I wasn't even sure if I would ever say anything to you about it. And just for the record, I never asked any of my friends to ask you about me, I don't even know who it was. And I never tried to hint anything to you about us dating, because I didn't want you to know how I felt. I wasn't even sure how I felt! And you were with Laura, and I respected that, and would never do anything to undermine that. Anytime that I asked you to hang out or go do something, I meant it to be JUST AS FRIENDS. The thing is, you are my best friend, and I know you're a good person. You're smart, and honest, and genuine, and I respect and admire you a lot. So I guess when you look at it that way, it's not really any surprise that my feelings for you grew into something more. But again, I wasn't really planning on saying anything, or acting on it, because I didn't feel the time was right, and I had absolutely no idea how you felt about me, and I didn't want to make things awkward between us. I was being honest when I told you I think you need to be single for a while. I wasn't saying that because I had some sort of ulterior motive, and I just wanted you to break up with Laura so I could have you for myself. And I hope that's not what you think. Because in my mind, our friendship comes first, and I always try to be honest with you, and tell you what I really think.

Which brings me to my next point. When Jayme texted me yesterday, it really caught me off guard. The first thing I thought was, why didn't you mention anything to me about it? If you were interested in one of my friends, why not tell me?? And I'm not sure what Jayme said to you about me, but I'm assuming she told you I had feelings for you, because she told me you said you "knew" I had feelings for you. And if that is actually the case, and you assumed I did have feelings for you, then why would you date one of my friends?? Because that seems kind of fucked up.
I'm not trying to tell you who you can or can't date. It's not my business, and if you like Jayme, go for it. But I am honestly not comfortable with that, and if you want to continue seeing her, I'm just going to remove myself from the picture completely for a while. Not because I'm angry with you, or with her, I just think it's weird. And I'd rather not hang around with the elephant in the room.
Under any other circumstances, as your best friend, I would feel obligated to tell you everything I know about Jayme, so that you could take what I know and make an informed decision about her. But since we are in this situation, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to say anything to you about her. And you're smart, so I trust that you'll figure it out on your own. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

There are a lot of things that have been swimming around in my head lately, and since I'm already on this tangent, I may as well tell you, that I worry a lot about you, and our friendship. Because like I said before, it means a lot to me. And your life has changed so much in the past year, for the best, but I know how overwhelming it can be. I'm just afraid that I'll wake up one day and you'll be this different person that I don't know anymore. And I really don't want that to happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because it's like your...new found fame, or whatever you want to call it, is this big thing that gets in the way of our friendship. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean...I don't want you to think I'm some starsucker who just wants to use you, or exploit you because of what you now have. Most of the time I just wish things could go back to normal. But I'm so happy for you, and I know you deserve everything, I just don't really know how to act around you sometimes these days. And that's another reason why I wasn't sure I wanted to say anything to you about my feelings, because I didn't want you to think I just suddenly decided I liked you because you're in the NFL. This is something that has slowly come into fruition over a period of time.

Just know that it is really important to me that I don't lose your friendship. And I don't want you to not see Jayme because of me. Don't worry, I'm used to guys liking my friends by now. Hopefully this clears everything up for you. If you still wanna talk you can write me back or call me after 4."


I'm about to send the email. I don't know what else to do. I guess I won't be going to his party on Saturday after all. I just can't bear to be around him if he's dating one of my friends. And I think it's kind of shitty of Jayme to act like she would stop talking to him for me, but obviously she wasn't expecting me to tell her I liked him. And she doesn't actually care. I just don't see what Todd see's in her. It worries me! This is the first sign of him turning into a famewhore! Big breasted, cheap, easy blonds, who take half naked photos of themselves and post them on facebook! Ugh... He is so much better than her! I mean, don't get me wrong, Jayme is nice, and she's fun, but... She has NO education. She has a 4 year old DEVIL CHILD, she sleeps around, she doesn't really have any self-respect or dignity, everything she wears is like...BOOB CENTRAL! HELLO!!?? and the caliber of men she normally dates is just...ASSHOLES. BIG, DOUCHEY, COCKY, ASSHOLES. ((Sigh))
All my feelings for Todd aside, I like Jayme, but I do NOT like her for my best friend.
I hope Todd realizes this sooner than later. I really do.

Up In The Air

I haven't updated in a while because...well it's been pretty quiet around here. Nothing really to write about! But I think I've saved up enough little things over the past few days for an entry by now.
Ben and Summer broke up. Another stupid drunken fight... And Ben has been driving me crazy for the past week, texting me, asking me what to do, how he can get her back, he heard she went on a date with her ex and they're getting back together... Ugh.
I keep telling him to just STOP! Ignore her. Don't call her. Don't text her. Just leave her alone. She's not getting back with her ex, he's just a rebound, as usual. But he won't listen! AHHH! I know she still loves him. And I'm certain they will work it out eventually and get back together, but like I told Ben, she's never going to get over it if he keeps badgering her! She wants some space!
Anyways, so Ben said he wanted to hang out this week, and we decided on today. I convinced Taryn to come along with us, so that I wouldn't get stuck sitting there alone, listening to Ben sob about Summer. And then I invited Todd, cuz he's back for a week or so. We decided on a movie. But then Taryn backed out cuz someone offered her Mariah Carey (ew!) tickets! So now it's just me, Ben and Todd tonight. Ben and Todd have met, and are cool, but still...I'm afraid it's going to be awkward. But we'll find out I guess...

Things on the Todd front have been...inconclusive. I finally talked to him about the whole Laura situation. He said he knew she was expecting him to propose this Spring, and he wasn't planning on it, so he told her not to expect anything. And then she basically gave him an ultimatum, so he broke up with her. And they haven't talked since. Until yesterday...

I'm sitting at my desk at work, and my cell starts vibrating, and it's her! I did a double take. Why the hell would Laura be calling me??

"Hello?" I said in a hushed voice, crouching down in my cubicle.

"Hey Peyton..."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Did I wake you up??" She asked.

"Oh, no no. I'm just talking quietly cuz I'm at work, and I don't get a lot of privacy here."

"Oh, ok. Well...I just wanted to...to call and apologize..."

"Apologize?? For what??" I interrupted.

"For Sunday night, after the Superbowl, you know, if I was being...a downer." She trailed off.

"No, not at all! Don't worry about it. You were wasted. It happens. Hell, I was just as bad on Friday night, and did you forget that I almost puked at breakfast on Saturday??"

She laughed, but I could tell it was strained.

"I was so nervous to call you. I just...I didn't mean to get that drunk. I only had 2 drinks! I've never been like that before, and Todd said that you and Reese had to take me into the bathroom and talk to me, which I don't even remember, and I just feel really embarrassed..."

"You talked to Todd?" I asked, surprised.

"Yea, I sort of, accidentally ran into him earlier today... Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being so drunk and everything."

"It's no big deal. Seriously. Don't worry about it." I said.

She sighed. "Ok well...I guess I'll...talk to you later."

Awkward... I could tell she really didn't know what to say here, since we most likely would NOT be talking again later. But what else do you say?

"Sure, yea. I'll talk to you later." I said. And we hung up.

Well that was weird! I thought. She was the last person I expected to get a call from. I immediately started to wonder and worry if she and Todd had talked and decided to work things out. So I sent Todd a text:

So you ran into Laura today? How was that??

Todd: Yea, how'd you know?

Me: She called me!

Todd: Are you serious?? Why??

Me: To apologize about Sunday

Todd: Oh god, she's really calling everybody?? I'm sorry about that.

Me: No, it's no big deal. I mean, that's what I told her. She just feels embarrassed I guess.

Todd: Hey is it ok if I call you in a bit, cuz I'm driving.

Me: Sure. I get off in 15.

So we talked after I got off work, and Todd explained that Laura didn't know he was back in town, and went over to his parents house to drop off some stuff, and there he was. So they talked for a minute, and he mentioned something to her about Sunday night, and how crazy she was acting. And then she said she would call everyone and apologize, but he told her not to, cuz that would be even more weird. Then apparently she tried to kiss him, but he turned away and told her he was sick. Which is true, but he also told me that he's sticking to his guns, and not giving into her this time. It's really over. So that was kind of a relief. We talked a little bit longer and that's when I invited him to the movies with me, Taryn and Ben.
But now Ben's saying he just wants to do dinner so we can chat. Hopefully Todd is cool with that. Maybe just Todd and I can go to a movie afterwards...?

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about my feelings. I wanna take it slow because I don't wanna overwhelm him, or spring anything on him. He needs time to be single. He's told me. Apparently a bunch of girls have been asking him out lately, since they learned of his newfound bachelorhood. ((Sigh)) I don't wanna miss my chance, but I have to be very careful going about this. I do want to tell him how I feel, but I don't wanna just be like, "I like you and I'm willing to wait around for as much time as you need to go off and fuck other girls, or whatever!" Because that makes me seem too available, and borderline desperate. I'm leaning more towards the "Let's test the waters, and just see where it goes, no pressure, no relationship-talk" approach. It's just a matter of figuring out how to tell him that.

And I don't even know if I'll have the opportunity to get into any of this tonight, or any time soon. But he said he wants to hang out more when he starts feeling better. He had a 104 degree fever on Monday! But anyways, I'm open to more suggestions on how to broach the subject!

In other news, Cecilia and I finally have plans to hang out! We're gonna go see Dierks Bentley at the rodeo. I'm not a big country listener, but I like it every now and then, and Dierks is superhot, and Cecilia is a big fan. Plus, we haven't hung out in a really long time, so I'm excited! Nick and I are going to the Cook Off together as well. I invited Todd to that too, cuz he's never been!! But he's not sure if he'll still be in Houston by then. So it's all still up in the air.

Have To Know

Well I got several guesses about who Todd is on my last post. And I didn't make any of these comments public. Mainly because I don't want to give the people who aren't trying to guess any ideas, but I don't want the people who are guessing to think that by not posting their comments, I'm confirming their guess is correct. I'm not going to confirm, or deny anything.
But I am going to the Superbowl!! I'm so excited!!! I wish I could tell you guys more, and tell you who I'm rooting for, but I just can't risk it. All you need to know is, I'm super excited!! I've never been to Miami! I leave next Friday after work, and I'm coming back Tuesday. Todd called me last night, and was like, "Make sure you stay till at least Monday cuz there's gonna be a ridiculous party at the hotel after the game!"
And of course, I will be there! I asked him who else was going, and he said Brendan and Andrew will be there, along with his parents, and his brother, Pete. I love Pete! He's so much fun. And after years of buying him alcohol, he's finally 21 and can party with us! Todd didn't mention if Laura was going though, which I think is weird. Does that mean she's not going?? I'm just going to operate under the assumption that she is going for now, because...I mean why wouldn't she?? The only reason I can think of for her not going is that she's in nursing school, and they have clinicals and she can't miss class. And with the game being on a Sunday night, she would have to head back to Texas right after the game. So who knows?? We'll see I guess.
I really need to get some hot stuff to wear when I'm in Miami. What do people wear there? I don't wanna look ridiculously out of place. I mean, I know it's like a party town, and definitely a bit more glitzy than Houston, but they have the same weather as us, so most of the stuff I have should be fine. But I still wanna get at least one new dress. I'm gonna look today after work. I was supposed to hang out with Taryn, but then Bethany texted me at 1:30am, saying she took the night off so "we can do something!" and I've suddenly lost my urge to go out. Plus, I really need to save $. My Superbowl ticket costs 500 bucks. Not exactly loose change... So aside from a new dress, I don't wanna be frivolous with my money this week. Maybe I'll just make up some excuse about being too tired, or not feeling good or something. ((sigh)) I woke up late this morning, and I look like ass anyways, so it's not like I can meet Taryn for Happy Hour like we'd planned anyway. I would have to go home and shower, etc... And I just don't feel like it.

So for the past few days, I keep replaying this conversation in my head that Melissa and I had a couple weeks ago. We were eating breakfast in a cafe, the morning after Todd's playoff game, and we were talking about Todd, and she said, "Are you in love with him?"
And I just stared at her, and my throat constricted, and I...I didn't know what to say. It was weird, I mean my eyes even started to water, and I have NO IDEA why. But I had to collect my thoughts and myself before I could answer. And I avoided her eyes and gave her some nonchalant answer, like, "How can you know you're in love with someone you've never even kissed?"
But the way she looked at me it was like she already knew the answer to that question, she just wanted me to say it.
Sometimes Melissa is alarmingly perceptive. ((Sigh))

I don't know how to classify my feelings for Todd. They're just so...mixed up. I mean, I've known him practically my entire life. He's always been there. He's my best friend. I remember when he was in first grade, with huge glasses, buck teeth, and the highest singing voice in the children's church choir. And I remember in high school, when he was 5 feet tall, shorter than me! And scrawny, and dorky, and he was like this cute little kid that would follow me around. Not that I was anyone to be admired. I was just as big of a dork back then as he was.
But then he changed. We changed. He started to grow up, got his first girlfriend. And I was really happy for him. And I was engaged at the time, and the 4 of us would hang out together at his parents house, play pool, go swimming. Then I went away to school, became single again, he went away to school, started going out with Laura. I went through asshole after asshole, and every time I would go home for the holidays, and see Todd, and he was like a breath of fresh air. Same morals, same innocent, bright outlook. And I would talk to him about my latest guy, latest party, and ask him about his life. And he would tell me about his girlfriend, and talk about football. We could talk about anything, just like best friends do.
And then before I knew it, he was...he was this man! Tall, handsome, broad shouldered... The kind of man you look at and say to yourself, "As soon as I get over my bad boy phase, I'll find a guy like him. And we'll get married and have a family."
The kind of man that every girl's mother wishes she would marry. The kind of man that every girl's father respects and trusts. The kind of man who is selfless, and kind, and warm. The best kind of man. The best kind of friend.
And when I realized this, it was just so...sudden. I mean all those years I knew him, and I watched him grow into this man, but I just never thought...
Until it occurred to me one day, that he is everything I have always wanted. And yet, he's still all of those things that he was. Dorky, little, naive, scrawny, and admiring. He just grew up.
((Sigh))
Now that he's in the NFL it's almost harder. Because he has so many more things for people to covet. Fame and money... But I don't really care about those so much. I mean it's cool, don't get me wrong. But it's almost like an elephant in the room. The room, being our friendship. Because I feel like...like I don't want him to think I'm like that. I hope he knows. But even asking him for a Superbowl ticket, I feel kind of guilty. And if he and Laura do break up in the off season, what then???
If I pursue him, will he think I'm only doing it because of what he's become??
And what if I don't pursue him? Will I miss out on my chance?
What if he and Laura don't break up at all??

I just...I have to know. I have to know what this is. What I'm feeling. Am I in love with Todd??

FML.

I finally gave up on trying to get hold of Brandon yesterday, so I emailed him. I put down in writing, everything I needed to say, so that I wouldn't forget any of it. This is what it said,
"Brandon,
There's only so much I can take. I feel like I've completely let my guard down for you, totally opened my heart, and I've tried and tried to make you happy, and it's never enough. You never respond! I mean, what about MY happiness?? You're not being fair to me. Not calling me for 3 whole days?? I mean, I don't expect a lot from you, I really don't. But you give me nothing. You won't call me, you won't go anywhere with me, not even to a wedding.. You just let me sit here, and wonder why I'm not good enough, what I'm doing wrong. I overanalyze everything I do. I change everything about the way I act around you, because you don't like it. I see all these girls that you've been with, and they're all beautiful.. Am I not pretty enough? Why don't you ever want to have sex with me? Why don't you ever initiate ANY kind of physical contact with me??
I constantly feel insecure about our relationship, and the way you feel about me, because you never TELL me. You never SHOW me. You don't call, you don't miss me, you don't even like touching me. This completely breaks my heart, do you realize that?? Something isn't adding up. I want to know, point blank what you feel. I'm not asking for a proposal, this has NOTHING to do with the future, so don't even bring that up. It has to do with RIGHT NOW. The way you're treating me RIGHT NOW TODAY. If you don't want to be with me, then you need to tell me. Am I wasting my time loving you?? Quit stringing me along if you don't want me. And if you DO want me, start acting like it. Stop making me worry, stop making me cry. Just stop what you're doing, for like 5 seconds and think about me!! About MY feelings!!
How would you feel if I never wanted to do anything you were interested in? If I resented that you played golf? I have been so supportive and understanding, of your golf, your stupid illegal activities, your busy schedule, EVERYTHING! So why do you keep shitting on my feelings? It's not fair Brandon. It's not okay for me to put in 90% effort, and you to put in 10%.
You're hurting me. And just because I wrote you a "novel" that's no excuse for you to avoid me. I had something to say, and I needed to say it now, and of course, you wouldn't answer the phone, so I emailed you instead. We HAVE to talk about this. So PLEASE, call me.
-Peyton"

((Sigh)) I hesistantly hit the sent button, because I knew that 1 of 2 things would probably happen.
1) He would freak out and then avoid me, which would inevitably lead to him breaking up with me, because he can't deal, or
2) He would feel guilty, realize what an ass he's been and try to work things out.

Number 2 was definitely wishful thinking on my part. He did try calling me while I was at work, but I couldn't answer. So I called him back when I got off, and he didn't answer. So I sent him a text, asking if he could stop by when he got off work so that we could talk. No response, and he didn't come over.
So today, I sent him a text, telling him he was being ridiculous, because he was gonna see me at work, and to please call me.
An hour before my shift, he finally called.

"I just can't do this anymore. It's not working." He said.
I sighed, "Is that you're reaction to every conflict? To just run away?"
"I'm not running away."
"Yes you are! You always do this, everytime I bring this stuff up."
"Well, I don't understand what the problem is, I didn't do anything."
"That is the problem. You don't do anything! You let me do all the work, Brandon! I mean I kinda thought that after 2 days of not talking, you might call your girlfriend and see what's up."
"Look, it's just not working. It was never working."
"What do you mean it was never working???"
"Well, I mean it was, maybe for you, but not for me."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean??"
"I'm just not...physically attracted to you."
"So it's true then. I'm not pretty enough!?"
"That's not what I said. You are attractive, I'm just not attracted to you. Or to anyone. It's just me. It's all me, not you."
"Oh good one. It's not you it's me? And you're just...suddenly not attracted to me?? Since when!? You must have been attracted to me at some point!"
"Look, it was just never real for me."
"Never real??? WHAT was never real? What is that supposed to mean? So you lied to me then?"
"I didn't lie to you."
"Apparently you were lying when you said you loved me, because if you really ever loved me, you wouldn't be telling me all this bullshit! Do you even know what the word love means?!"
"No! I don't! That's why it was never the same for me! Why do think I always laughed when you said it to me?"
"Then why did you say it!?!?! I didn't want you to say it unless you meant it! I can't believe you're saying this. I can't believe you're doing this. I can't believe you're sitting here giving me all these bullshit excuses for why you've wasted the last 10 months of my life!"
Tears were streaming down my face by this point.
"Well what did you want me to do, stay with you until I cheated on you??"
"NO! I want you to be fucking honest with me! If you were feeling this way, I wish you would have told me as soon as you felt it, not a couple months later!"
"Well..."
"So you're breaking up with me, because you're not attracted to me, and it was never real for you. So everything about our relationship has been a complete lie?!?"
"No, and I didn't say you weren't pretty enough! It's just...we're too different. We don't have...chemistry. I thought I would just give it a chance, and wait it out, but it's not working."
"You know what, there's really no point in continuing this conversation. I have nothing else to say to you. Just...leave me alone."
And I hung up the phone.
Keep in mind, this is a revised version of our conversation, which I obviously can't remember word for word. And I'm probably subconsciously blocking some parts out.
I broke down in hysterics immediately afterward, racked my brains for a good enough excuse to call into work, and then I took a deep breath.
I can't call into work. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.
I inhaled another ragged breath, and sat down at my mirror. I squirted practically an entire bottle of Visine in my eyes, and put anti-puff cream on. I wasn't going to show up to work looking like I'd been balling my eyes out. And I made sure I looked damn good.
When I got to work, I told everyone what happened. What's the point in pretending? I mean, I want everyone to know what he said to me. What his stupid, bullshit reasons were. I want everyone at work to know how much he fucked me over. I knew it would make him uncomfortable, with everyone knowing. And I wanted him to be the jackass, not me.
((Sigh)) My shift was long, and miserable. I had to work behind the same bar with him, and I even had to watch him flirt with girls.
You know, he actually told me he wanted to see other people. If I find out he already met someone, or he starts dating some girl in the near future, I'm going to flip my shit.

I can't believe that kiss I gave him when I left for my piano lesson is the last kiss we'll ever have. I can't believe its over. I feel like I'm just a complete failure! I've never been broken up with so badly. And I can't even believe how mean he was. He's not physically attracted to me?? It wasn't real??
Then what was it?
And if it wasn't real, why am I so broken hearted?
Why am I always the one who gets shit on?
((Sigh))
FML.

The Dallas Disaster

I ended up having to close Friday night, which was great money-wise, but it also meant I only got 3 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and go pick up Melissa. We made it to Dallas in really good time actually. There was no traffic, and I was speeding most of the way. So we met up with Todd's family first and then went to the tailgate. We ate so much food, it was ridiculous! Finally it was time for the game. We got to watch Todd warm up with his snapper (the guy that throws the ball to him when he kicks). It was awesome! They ended up losing the game, but Todd did really well, and they definitely put up a fight. Seeing him play was amazing. I mean he's so graceful! Lol.

Afterwards, Todd's family left, and we waited for him outside the locker room. There were 2 agents waiting to talk to him as well. A lot of people have been looking at him lately, since it's his senior year. I wonder which NFL team he'll play for.... Anyways, when he finished talking to everyone, he came over said hi, and gave me a hug, and we then we followed him back to his house.

Melissa and I got ready as fast as we could, but by the time we left, it was already 1am. I mean the game didn't end till about 11, and then we had to wait for Todd, so we were already off to a late start. We ended up at some bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not in downtown, which was a little disappointing, because I was hoping to barhop. But we wouldn't have had time anyway... So we took as many shots as we could cram into the hour we had left. Todd, always the responsible one, was driving, so he only had one. The whole time we were there I kept having arguments with myself in my head.

How do I act? Do I flirt? How do I even flirt with him?? Would he even notice?

((sigh)) So I just tried to stay near him at all times. His friends were nice for the most part. All of them were football players, and he introduced me to so many people I couldn't even begin to hope I'd remember all their names. One guy in particular, was extraordinarily obnoxious. I mean Todd warned me that he was "crazy" but I had no idea that meant he would be mentally unstable, socially retarded and chemically imbalanced! First, he grabbed my ass, then he went for my crotch! I mean, standing right in front of me, he goes, "I'm gonna grab your crotch!" and sure enough, he went for it!! Naturally, I slapped his hand away and told him playfully, but seriously, that if he touched me again, I'd punch him in his throat. Todd stepped between us at that point. And he's so huge, he could probably separate 2 mountains if he wanted to. I mean literally, he's 6'6" and in really good shape! It's so weird, cuz I remember when we were in high school, and he was a scrawny 5 feet tall with a squeaky voice. ((sigh)) Those were the days... Anyways, after that, his weird friend walked away.

When the bar closed, we all piled back into Todd's BMW and headed over to a house party. The place was pretty crowded when we got there, and everybody was already pretty loaded. I mean they'd all been drinking since the game ended! There were 3 beer pong tables set up in their garage, and all the boys were in there playing. And of course, when you get a whole football team of twenty-something guys together with beer pong, they're gonna be loud and rowdy.

And this is when things started to get shitty.

Let's do some background real quick. Melissa turned 25 this year. She's 6 months older than I am. And all she ever talks about when in the presence of younger people, is her age. Maybe it's cuz she's short. Maybe it's cuz she still lives at home and doesn't work. Maybe it's cuz she's still going to school. I don't know! But she always feels the need to assert herself by telling people that she's 25, as if it's some kind of exclusive club she just entered. As if anyone cares! And she says it with this air of snotty authority...it's stupid! Every time she does it, I roll my eyes.

"Omg I am so old! I'm twenty-five!"

Ugh.

So as soon as we walk into this party, she starts saying shit about how she can't believe she's at this "college party" with all these "little boys", etc. etc...

About 15 minutes after we get there, someone knocks on the door. One of the players' mom answers it, and it's a disgruntled neighbor, threatening to call the cops if we don't all quiet down. Well since this Mom was the only adult (and I'm not using that term loosely, because technically we were all adults) at the party, she started walking around telling underage drinkers that they should probably head home.

Well Melissa goes up and talks to The Mom and of course, tells her that she's 25, and that she'll help her clear out the minors. So we all go into the garage, where Todd is playing beer pong with 3 other guys. The Mom is yelling for everyone to quiet down, and none of the guys are listening, if they can even hear her over all their noise. One guy in particular, a fat boy with shaggy hair, who was playing beer pong against Todd, is yelling especially loudly. So Melissa starts yelling at him to shut the fuck up and listen to The Mom.

Well the fat kid, in his drunken stupor, doesn't like this and yells at Melissa to shut the fuck up. Then she yells back that he needs to be quiet and listen to The Mom and show some respect.

"Do you fucking live here!?" He screamed, "Fuck you bitch! Do you fucking live here???"

She called him a fat fuck, he called her a whore and a bitch, it went on for about a minute.

Todd and I were just standing there shell-shocked. I mean all I could think was, Omg is this really happening!?

"I wanna leave. Can we please leave now? I don't wanna be here anymore." Melissa says to Todd.

I could tell he didn't wanna go, I mean we'd only been there for about 20 minutes. But since he's Todd, he said of course we could leave. And Melissa immediately walks off. I chased after her through the crowd and out the front door.

"Why are you going outside? It's freezing! We have to wait for Todd." I said.

"Because! I don't wanna be here anymore!" Melissa snapped.

I sighed as she reached Todd's car.

"Ok well don't try to open the door, you might set the alarm off."

"I'm not gonna open the fucking door Peyton, I'm not a retard!"
"Why are you yelling at me!? I'm not the one you're mad at, don't take this out on me!" I said firmly.

"I really don't wanna hear from you right now Peyton! I've already heard enough."

"Well why did you have to say anything to him!? That whole situation could have been avoided if you hadn't started yelling at him to shut the fuck up!" I was starting to lose my cool by this point.

"I don't wanna fucking hear it Peyton! That guy was a fucking dick! He had no right to talk to me like that!" There was a definite bitchy edge to her voice that was raising the hairs on my neck.

"I know that, I'm just saying, none of that would have happened if you hadn't instigated it!"

"Just shutup!" She yelled.

"WHY does drama have to follow me wherever I go!?" I said halfway to myself.

"Oh WHATever! You think you're so much better than everyone! You act like you don't have any drama! But you do! You have just as much as me so you have no room to talk-"

"FINE! Fine." I cut her off.

Todd's roommate, Brendan, approached and we were both silent. He apologized profusely for the fat guy and told us he was ashamed of his friend's actions. I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't his fault, etc...

Todd finally got to the car; he had to say goodbye to some people. When we got in the car, I apologized to Melissa for snapping at her, but she didn't say anything. She just sat in the back seat sniffling. Todd felt so bad about what happened, it was so sweet. ((sigh)) He kept trying to cheer her up, but she just kept shaking her head and saying she didn't care about "that stupid boy". So we went back to Todd's and Melissa went straight upstairs and to bed. A few of Todd's friends came over and they played more beer pong. There were 3 girls there too. I started getting really sleepy, so I sat down on the couch behind the beer pong table to watch. After their game Todd came and sat down. Then one of the girls came over and sat down on the other side of him.
Darn!

The next thing I knew, his arm was around her. My stomach plummeted. And there I was sitting there next to them. How pathetic. I was shocked at how upset this made me. I mean obviously Todd was interested in this girl. So...had he even stopped to consider me in that way?? Maybe he never will... Maybe I'll always just be his "best friend". ((sigh))

"I'm gonna go to bed." I announced.

"Ok!" Todd smiled. "Goodnight Peyton."

The entire night had been a disaster. I trudged up the stairs to Todd's room where Melissa and I were sleeping. She was fast asleep. I went into his humongous bathroom and shut the door so the light wouldn't wake her up. I started to take my makeup off and suddenly I just...started to cry. I don't really know why it all hit me at once like that, but it did. I backed into Todd's closet and shut the door so that I could have a good cry and get it out of my system.

It's like I've been single for so long, and wasting so much time with all these stupid asshole guys, that nobody takes me seriously anymore. Everyone just thinks I'm out to have fun, and I'm just all about the scene and that's it. But I'm not. That's not me. And if anyone should know that, it's Todd. But he can't seem to see me in a romantic light. ((sigh))

He's so...perfect...it's like...I don't know what to do! We've been friends since we were kids. He introduces me as his best friend. But...we have a really deep-rooted friendship, and isn't that the best foundation for a successful relationship? And he really knows me, I mean really knows me. And we understand each other so well, and we have the same ideals, and I have so much respect for him, he's the nicest guy I know! It literally kills me to just let him go. But...I've already told him before that it's crossed my mind, and he's only been single for about 4 weeks, and I don't wanna overwhelm him. But I also don't wanna pass up this opportunity, because who knows when I'll get this chance again! Maybe he just doesn't know how I feel, or maybe...I dunno. I just don't know!

I told Sophie all about it. She thinks I should wait till the next time he's in town and ask him out on a date. She says I'll have to make the first move, because he's never been good about that. I mean, he was set up with his last girlfriend, and he's only ever had 2 serious relationships. But I know he won't be back in Houston for at least 4 weeks, because he has 4 more games. And 4 weeks is a long time to wait!!

So I've been toying with the idea of writing to him. Like an email or something. But I have no idea what to say, or even how to begin.

((Sigh))

TDH stood me up again on Friday. He didn't even call!

Tonight he texted me, "Hey!"

I said, "Don't bother."

"Figured...I'm sorry, late" was his response.

What a dick.

I'm so through with these guys.

I'm just done.

P.S. This is my hair, and believe it or not, it's brown!

So here I am
Looking pretty for you
They come and go
No one else here will do
So I'm dancing alone
Dreaming solo
'Cause your love's the one worth waiting for
It's just like heaven