Internet is STILL down at my apartments. Ugh...
Anyways, I spent the past week trying to figure out what exactly I want to accomplish in therapy. And I finally figured it out. I need answers. Answers to questions that I've been asking myself for probably about a year now. And since I am still no closer to finding those answers, I decided I needed some help. And here are the questions...
1) Why am I not over Brandon? Is it because I still love him? Is is because I didn't have another guy to move on to right away? Is it because we see each other too much? Is it because he's moved on and I haven't?
2) What am I doing with my life? I need a goal, a path, something to look forward to and aim for, career-wise.
3) Why do all my friends suck?? And by "all" I really mean "most", because I do have a couple good, reliable friends.
So after 3 sessions of therapy, I am finding it a lot easier to open up, and just...talk. It's not as awkward to me anymore, I just let it all out. And I am starting to get closer to answering my questions. We are starting to crack the shell.
The first question: Brandon. I do still care about him, obviously, but I know in my heart, that even if he came crawling back with a diamond ring in tow, that it could never work between us. I would never be able to fully trust him again, or feel secure in a relationship with him. And I would never be able to get over the way he ended things. And that seems to be the problem. The way he ended things. Kind of suddenly, and so...finally. Like slamming a door shut, and locking it. That's it. Break ups for me have never been that cut and dry. That final. And obviously, seeing him at work every weekend doesn't help. But distractions (i.e. Gavin) don't really seem to be helping in the long run either. Although, I'm definitely not ready to give up on Gavin just yet. More on that in a minute.
The second question: my future. I need to move on from this job. My 2 office mates have both been offered permanent positions with the company, and I have not. Which leaves me to wonder why that is. And while I could spend sleepless nights worrying and debating over this, I'm not going to, because frankly, it doesn't matter. I never intended to stay here forever. I don't even like this job. The only thing intellectually stimulating about it is the books I read during all my downtime. Which, very well could be the reason I'm not being offered a permanent position. But I'm not willing to give up my books. Not happening. That's about the only thing keeping me sane right now. And don't you guys go off talking shit, telling me I should be working, not reading, because trust me. I get my work done. And every one in this office has prolific amounts of spare time. It's just that most of them use that time to shop online, or read celebrity gossip blogs whereas, I read books. So I think it's time to move on from this. I don't want to get stuck in limbo again, like I did with bartedngin. And I know I want to go back to school, and I feel like I really need to get out of Houston. But there are just so many things I need to do in order to make that happen, and that stresses me out. So my therapist is going to help me with that.
And finally, the third question: my friends. Let me start off by telling you the most recent incident I had, with Bethany. After we went out on the boat a couple weeks ago, and I had so much fun, that I couldn't stop thinking about it, I was really looking forward to last Sunday, when I could finally go out on the boat again. And Bethany and I instant messaged about it, and I asked her if we were going this [past] Sunday, and she said yes, and I told her how excited I was, etc. Then on Wednesday, I texted Marc, just to make sure everything was still on, and he said he wasn't sure he was going to have enough room, because his girlfriend, Rae, had invited all her friends. So I told him to keep me posted, and he said he'd let me know by Saturday afternoon. I relayed all this info to Bethany, and she said, "If Rae's friends are going, I dunno if I'm gonna go, cuz her friends suck! They're all stuck-up, high maintenance chicks. It's not gonna be as fun with them around."
And I said, "Well...I've never met any of them, so I'm willing to take that chance."
"Well, ok, if you still want to go, I'll go with you. If not, we can lay out at my pool or something on Sunday."
So I agreed.
So Saturday afternoon, I texted Bethany again, and asked her if she'd talked to Marc at all, and she said no, so I texted him. And he said, "Well right now we've got about 11 people, so it's lookin' like we're pretty full."
I replied, "Oh ok, well if anyone doesn't show up, let me know!"
And he promised he would.
Again, I relayed this info back to Bethany, she didn't respond. I went to work Saturday night, in a very good mood, on account of Gavin and I hooking up the night before. Then Sunday morning, I woke up earlier than normal, around 10:30 or so, and texted Bethany.
"Hey do you still wanna go lay out today?"
Then she called me.
B: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Nothing, I just woke up. Did you still wanna go to the pool?
B: Well I'm on my way to Marc's.
[Wind suddenly out of my sails]
B: Summer called me like an hour ago and she was like, "Get up, we're goin' on the boat", so I just got up, got dressed and left.
B: She didn't call you?
[As if she didn't know.]
B: Oh, well--
Me: Hey I gotta go, I'm on the other line.
B: Oh, ok well I won't keep you then.
Me: Ok bye.
I rolled over in bed and literally wanted to cry. I don't even know why. I just couldn't believe she would do that to me. She knew how much I wanted to go. She knew! It was all I'd been talking about all week! And if I had been in her shoes, I would have told Summer to call her and invite her! Or I would have stayed home, and hung out with her like we'd planned. ((Sigh)) She really, really hurt my feelings. And she really let me down. Again. It felt just like it did when she told me she wouldn't be here for my birthday, because she would be in Florida, visiting her boyfriend. Seems like all my friends have other friends they would rather hang out with. It hurts to be no one's first priority.
So I went to the pool with Ali that day, and had a decent time, but I wasn't feeling very social, and I was pretty upset and irritable for most of the day, though I tried my best to hide it. Bethany texted me later on and said, "Be glad you didn't come out on the boat, Rae's friends suck! This is no fun."
I started to type back, "It doesn't really matter, you know, since I wasn't invited." But I deleted it and tossed my phone back in my bag. No response would be better.
I haven't talked to her since that morning. And when I told my therapist everything, it occurred to me that the reason these things upset me so much is because I would never do something like that to a friend. I would have made sure she could come along, or I would have stayed with her, without even a second's thought. I'm a good friend, and I'm doggedly loyal, but no one else seems to be. I just don't understand this. I don't understand how people can treat their friends this way. It's just like with Melissa and Law School. Just like with Alyssa not wanting me to be in her wedding. I have all these fairweather friends, who only stick around as long as it's convenient for them.
Right now, I only have 2 people I can really count on: Izzie, and Jenna. And of course, Izzie is in Austin, with her child and husband, and you know...her life. And Jenna lives with her boyfriend as well, but she's definitely more available to me, now that she lives in Houston again. She and I went and saw Eclipse together last night (SO GOOD!).
The third question: my friends. In my therapist's words, they don't provide me with the support that I need. I don't really have any one person I can always count on. Then the question she (my therapist) asked me was,
"So do feel you need to move somewhere else, and get a fresh start, or do you think you could find some new friends, and start over here?"
And that's another thing. I don't know.