A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 days, surprisingly, so I'm just going to start from the beginning.
Tuesday after work, I went up to my bar because they were testing out some new menu items and the managers asked us to come try it out. So Ali and I met up, and decided to hang out at my bar till the industry party, which didn't start till 11. I almost changed my mind about going, but I was already out, so I figured what the hell.
So Ali and I were sitting in a booth, chatting and killing time, and we were both messing around on Facebook, when I noticed some pictures of Todd and Laura. Together! So I immediately texted Laura, to find out if they were back together, and she said that yes, they had started talking again, and things were going great. And you have no idea how relieved and happy I was to hear this, because...after everything that's happened, I do think that Laura is the best thing for Todd right now. I don't know about for forever, but for now I think she's good for him. And they make each other happy, so I'm happy. So I sent Todd a text message...
"Hey Todd! I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but Laura told me you 2 are talking again and I just wanted to tell you that I think that's so great and I'm really, truly happy for you guys!"
Then he responded with,
"I'm not gonna lie Peyton, I'm a little hurt by what I've heard. She told me that you called her telling her that I was dating a girl with STDs and that I had changed a lot with the whole NFL mentality. What hurts the most is that you told her a month after we had supposedly resolved things. Then I flew in and out just for your birthday cause I wanted to show you how much our friendship meant to me. That's why I haven't talked to you, just didn't know what to say..."
I was so shocked and hurt when I read that. I mean...I thought we were past this? And honestly, I can't even remember exactly what I said to Laura that day she called me. But I know I didn't tell her he was dating someone with STDs! Maybe I might have said something jokingly, or flippant, and she took it the wrong way, but I wouldn't have said that to her, even if it was true, because that would only hurt her feelings. So I wrote back,
"What?? I never said you were dating a girl with stds, I don't know who has stds or not. Honestly I do think you've changed though, not necessarily for the worst, just different. You're more distant. I don't have any feelings for you in that way anymore, and I've figured out a lot of things. I was afraid of losing you as a friend and as an important person in my life and so I thought I must have romantic feelings for you. But in retrospect, I realize that we don't have that kind of chemistry. I love you as a friend and just want you to be happy. I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Laura. And I hope for that reason, you don't feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING that happened last Feb. Laura and I did talk twice. Once on FB and once she called me and we just talked...as girls. No shit talking about you. I'm sorry that you think that. But ever since the Jayme situation I've felt very discredited as far as you're concerned. It's like you don't believe anything I say anymore."
Todd: Well that's what she said, she would have no reason to lie. Same stuff I heard from you directly while everything was going on...
Me: I'm not going to play he said she said. Believe what you want, Todd. All of that shit is in the past. I don't even think about it anymore. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. Your prerogative. Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you
Todd: Ok well thank you, with the family, let's talk soon.
I tried to put our conversation out of my mind after that, in order to have a good time, but I definitely thought about it most of yesterday. And today, I talked to Bethany about it, and she said I should definitely call him, or run the risk of him thinking I don't really care. So I sent him another text about 20 minutes ago, that said,
"Hey Todd. I know you're upset, and you think all these shiteous things about me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. About everything. I'm not going to try to justify my actions or even explain myself, because I feel like that would be pointless. I meant what I said about being happy for you and Laura. I really do just want the best for you. I hate arguing, or whatever it is we're doing, with you. It's just not in our dynamic. And I just...don't want to do it anymore."
Now I'm just waiting for him to respond. So! Back to Tuesday night.
I did go to the industry party, and it sucked. Ali and I went together, but it ended up just being she and I, then Greg, and his girlfriend, and Brandon. So it was really awkward. And the party itself was lame, there was no free anything, like there usually is at those kind of things, so I ended up going home around 12:30, feeling rather blue. It's still too weird for me to be around Brandon in a small group. Work is one thing but...I dunno. I just couldn't stomach it.
So yesterday, Wednesday, I texted with Kevin all day, again, waiting and wondering if and when he was ever going to ask me out, and starting to lose my patience! And I also sent a text message to Evan, who I haven't heard from in like a million years! I've been pestering him for the past week, but he hasn't been in touch. Loser! On my way home from work, he finally called me! He said he's been busy with work, and he doesn't really go out anymore, he's practically married, etc... It was kind of sad talking to him, just because we've drifted apart so much, and he's moved on to the next stage in life, and I haven't. ((Sigh))
But at least we finally talked. He said he was afraid I was going to yell at him for being MIA for so long, and I said, "Well that wasn't so bad, was it?" And he laughed, and promised to keep in touch.
When I got home, I finally just sucked it up and asked Kevin if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he took so long to respond, that I was already mentally writing him off, when he finally wrote back.
"Yes, does tomorrow count as the weekend? lol. My buddy is having his bach party in Vegas Friday-Sunday. I'd like to hang out though."
So I wrote back, "I suppose tomorrow can count ;)"
We chatted back and forth a bit more, but he didn't say anything else about us hanging out. So now we have these tentative plans for this afternoon, but I'm almost halfway expecting him to blow me off or something. ((sigh)) Ugh...
Ok so this morning, when my alarm went off, I reached over to my phone, to silence it, and noticed that I had 3 text messages.
From Law School.
That immediately woke me up.
LS: Hey...I know you don't want to talk to me. But, I actually have friends visiting from home this weekend, the first guy got in town tonight and I brought him to [my bar].
LS: I thought of you...just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you. I just got my own place, maybe you can come by sometime, or I'll see you otherwise. Ciao!
LS: And...I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I've held that in for a while, but I mean it.
So I laid in bed, thinking about what he said, and mulling things over, and I decided I should talk to him. Finally. Maybe he really is sorry. And he's definitely put in the effort to talk to me, so I should give him a second chance. ((Sigh))
So when I got to work this morning, I wrote him back...
Me: I think you misunderstand my reasons for not talking to you, [Law School]. My feelings being hurt is just...collateral damage. If you want to talk, then you better be prepared to listen.
LS: Fair enough, I will always listen no matter how bad it is, as long as it is talking, not yelling.
Me: I wasn't planning to yell, or talk shit. Just enlighten you.
LS: I understood. :) Just putting the caveat out there. How have you been otherwise?
LS: Swell as in good or swell as in the water is rising?? Haha
Me: You realize I can't just sit here and make cutsie banter with you until we hash this out, right?? Because I'm willing to talk, but I haven't decided about anything else yet. And you might not even WANT to talk to me again.
LS: Haha. I'm very aware. What I've always like about you, Peyton, is that you don't let me press buttons. I respect that, because I'll try just to see if I can.
LS: And, to be completely honest, I'm not worried about not wanting to talk to you. I think I'm pretty objective about things and have no problem saying, "my fault".
Me: Ok then.
LS: Ok, next week. Or maybe Sunday. You can pick the battle zone :)
I haven't responded to his last text yet, because I haven't decided when or where I want to meet up with him, but...I think at least this is headed in the right direction. It will feel good to finally explain to him that it wasn't him dating Melissa that hurt me the most. It was them lying to me and hiding it from me, and talking shit about me behind my back! So I'll definitely keep you guys posted on that.
But mostly, I'm worried about my relationship with Todd. I just want things to go back the way they were, before I ever told him I had feelings for him. It was stupid. I was stupid. I ruined everything. Now what??