What's Going On With My Guys??

A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 days, surprisingly, so I'm just going to start from the beginning.

Tuesday after work, I went up to my bar because they were testing out some new menu items and the managers asked us to come try it out. So Ali and I met up, and decided to hang out at my bar till the industry party, which didn't start till 11. I almost changed my mind about going, but I was already out, so I figured what the hell.
So Ali and I were sitting in a booth, chatting and killing time, and we were both messing around on Facebook, when I noticed some pictures of Todd and Laura. Together! So I immediately texted Laura, to find out if they were back together, and she said that yes, they had started talking again, and things were going great. And you have no idea how relieved and happy I was to hear this, because...after everything that's happened, I do think that Laura is the best thing for Todd right now. I don't know about for forever, but for now I think she's good for him. And they make each other happy, so I'm happy. So I sent Todd a text message...
"Hey Todd! I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but Laura told me you 2 are talking again and I just wanted to tell you that I think that's so great and I'm really, truly happy for you guys!"

Then he responded with,

"I'm not gonna lie Peyton, I'm a little hurt by what I've heard. She told me that you called her telling her that I was dating a girl with STDs and that I had changed a lot with the whole NFL mentality. What hurts the most is that you told her a month after we had supposedly resolved things. Then I flew in and out just for your birthday cause I wanted to show you how much our friendship meant to me. That's why I haven't talked to you, just didn't know what to say..."

I was so shocked and hurt when I read that. I mean...I thought we were past this? And honestly, I can't even remember exactly what I said to Laura that day she called me. But I know I didn't tell her he was dating someone with STDs! Maybe I might have said something jokingly, or flippant, and she took it the wrong way, but I wouldn't have said that to her, even if it was true, because that would only hurt her feelings. So I wrote back,

"What?? I never said you were dating a girl with stds, I don't know who has stds or not. Honestly I do think you've changed though, not necessarily for the worst, just different. You're more distant. I don't have any feelings for you in that way anymore, and I've figured out a lot of things. I was afraid of losing you as a friend and as an important person in my life and so I thought I must have romantic feelings for you. But in retrospect, I realize that we don't have that kind of chemistry. I love you as a friend and just want you to be happy. I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Laura. And I hope for that reason, you don't feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING that happened last Feb. Laura and I did talk twice. Once on FB and once she called me and we just talked...as girls. No shit talking about you. I'm sorry that you think that. But ever since the Jayme situation I've felt very discredited as far as you're concerned. It's like you don't believe anything I say anymore."

Todd: Well that's what she said, she would have no reason to lie. Same stuff I heard from you directly while everything was going on...

Me: I'm not going to play he said she said. Believe what you want, Todd. All of that shit is in the past. I don't even think about it anymore. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. Your prerogative. Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you

Todd: Ok well thank you, with the family, let's talk soon.

Me: Ok

((Sigh))
I tried to put our conversation out of my mind after that, in order to have a good time, but I definitely thought about it most of yesterday. And today, I talked to Bethany about it, and she said I should definitely call him, or run the risk of him thinking I don't really care. So I sent him another text about 20 minutes ago, that said,

"Hey Todd. I know you're upset, and you think all these shiteous things about me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. About everything. I'm not going to try to justify my actions or even explain myself, because I feel like that would be pointless. I meant what I said about being happy for you and Laura. I really do just want the best for you. I hate arguing, or whatever it is we're doing, with you. It's just not in our dynamic. And I just...don't want to do it anymore."

Now I'm just waiting for him to respond. So! Back to Tuesday night.
I did go to the industry party, and it sucked. Ali and I went together, but it ended up just being she and I, then Greg, and his girlfriend, and Brandon. So it was really awkward. And the party itself was lame, there was no free anything, like there usually is at those kind of things, so I ended up going home around 12:30, feeling rather blue. It's still too weird for me to be around Brandon in a small group. Work is one thing but...I dunno. I just couldn't stomach it.

So yesterday, Wednesday, I texted with Kevin all day, again, waiting and wondering if and when he was ever going to ask me out, and starting to lose my patience! And I also sent a text message to Evan, who I haven't heard from in like a million years! I've been pestering him for the past week, but he hasn't been in touch. Loser! On my way home from work, he finally called me! He said he's been busy with work, and he doesn't really go out anymore, he's practically married, etc... It was kind of sad talking to him, just because we've drifted apart so much, and he's moved on to the next stage in life, and I haven't. ((Sigh))
But at least we finally talked. He said he was afraid I was going to yell at him for being MIA for so long, and I said, "Well that wasn't so bad, was it?" And he laughed, and promised to keep in touch.

When I got home, I finally just sucked it up and asked Kevin if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he took so long to respond, that I was already mentally writing him off, when he finally wrote back.

"Yes, does tomorrow count as the weekend? lol. My buddy is having his bach party in Vegas Friday-Sunday. I'd like to hang out though."

So I wrote back, "I suppose tomorrow can count ;)"

We chatted back and forth a bit more, but he didn't say anything else about us hanging out. So now we have these tentative plans for this afternoon, but I'm almost halfway expecting him to blow me off or something. ((sigh)) Ugh...

Ok so this morning, when my alarm went off, I reached over to my phone, to silence it, and noticed that I had 3 text messages.
From Law School.
That immediately woke me up.

LS: Hey...I know you don't want to talk to me. But, I actually have friends visiting from home this weekend, the first guy got in town tonight and I brought him to [my bar].
LS: I thought of you...just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you. I just got my own place, maybe you can come by sometime, or I'll see you otherwise. Ciao!
LS: And...I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I've held that in for a while, but I mean it.

So I laid in bed, thinking about what he said, and mulling things over, and I decided I should talk to him. Finally. Maybe he really is sorry. And he's definitely put in the effort to talk to me, so I should give him a second chance. ((Sigh))

So when I got to work this morning, I wrote him back...

Me: I think you misunderstand my reasons for not talking to you, [Law School]. My feelings being hurt is just...collateral damage. If you want to talk, then you better be prepared to listen.

LS: Fair enough, I will always listen no matter how bad it is, as long as it is talking, not yelling.

Me: I wasn't planning to yell, or talk shit. Just enlighten you.

LS: I understood. :) Just putting the caveat out there. How have you been otherwise?

Me: Swell.

LS: Swell as in good or swell as in the water is rising?? Haha

Me: You realize I can't just sit here and make cutsie banter with you until we hash this out, right?? Because I'm willing to talk, but I haven't decided about anything else yet. And you might not even WANT to talk to me again.

LS: Haha. I'm very aware. What I've always like about you, Peyton, is that you don't let me press buttons. I respect that, because I'll try just to see if I can.

LS: And, to be completely honest, I'm not worried about not wanting to talk to you. I think I'm pretty objective about things and have no problem saying, "my fault".

Me: Ok then.

LS: Ok, next week. Or maybe Sunday. You can pick the battle zone :)


I haven't responded to his last text yet, because I haven't decided when or where I want to meet up with him, but...I think at least this is headed in the right direction. It will feel good to finally explain to him that it wasn't him dating Melissa that hurt me the most. It was them lying to me and hiding it from me, and talking shit about me behind my back! So I'll definitely keep you guys posted on that.

But mostly, I'm worried about my relationship with Todd. I just want things to go back the way they were, before I ever told him I had feelings for him. It was stupid. I was stupid. I ruined everything. Now what??

Fresh Start

We talked. I laid out everything for him. I asked him if he was still considering getting back together.

He said yes.

So I told him that I wanted to take it really slow and get to know each other better as friends, because I can't trust him with my heart right now. And I told him I'd be willing to put the past behind me, and forgive him, if and only if, he would completely stop talking to those 2 girls. And he said ok.

Simple as that.

"Ok."

I almost can't believe he agreed to it so readily.

Bethany says that means he cares a lot more about me than them. I guess she's right.

I asked him about the girls. I didn't tell him I went through his phone, but I asked him about them. What his relationship was with them. He said he spent some time with them, got to know them and "they're nobody". Those were his exact words.

"They're nobody."

((Sigh))

So. Here we go.

I realized that I really don't know how to be Brandon's friend. But I want to learn. And I want him to learn how to be mine.

After our conversation, Brandon said he needed to go, had errands to run, etc. But then he stayed another 20 minutes. Said he had to go again...stayed another 20 minutes. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave. But I had errands to run too, so we both left at the same time. He gave me a hug goodbye and that was it.

As for everything else...I like to think that I'm starting fresh.

And on that note, let me just lay down the law here for a second.

When I write this blog, I'm writing for brain clarity, reflection, venting, enjoyment...lots of reasons. But keep in mind, these are MY THOUGHTS. And obviously, they're not always pure, or right, and obviously not everyone is going to agree with them. And feel free to disagree! But don't judge. No one has that right.

Because when this blog stops being enjoyable, I'll stop writing.

The Right Thing To Do

I slept all day for the past 2 days. I didn't eat, or leave the house, except to go to work. I would wake up from time to time, let the dog out, feed him, and then just go back to bed. Because when I was wake, I was being haunted by my thoughts. And sleep was the only peaceful thing I could do to pass the time.

Today, I got up at 5:30 to start getting ready for work, and as soon as I got out of the shower, I had a text message from Brandon.

"Just wanted to say hi!"

"Really. Tell your slore I said what's up." I responded, sardonically.

"I'm at my sister's place." He said, "Summer says hi."

I didn't respond.

"Anyways, ok I guess I will leave u alone." He wrote.

"Don't say that. I was hoping you could tell me about your latest sexual conquest." I wrote back. I couldn't help myself.

"Well lets see, I woke up, with nobody next to me, went to the gym and came over to my sister's place to drop off something! Now I'm talking to you. That's my day." He said.

"Hmmm sounds nice. Last night, I went home with a 45 year old man. Aside from his beer gut and hairy back, the sex was GREAT!"

I couldn't contain my bitter sarcasm anymore at this point. Obviously I did NOT go home with a 45 year old last night, I just...wanted to prove a point.

"Well that's great to know!!" He said.

"Isn't it though?? Gosh, this is definitely the beginning of a great friendship! I can already tell!!"

"I'm trying to be your friend, but you're not letting me."

"Friendship requires respect. Maybe you should try looking at the situation from my POV. I mean, who are you trying to fool, Brandon? You don't really want to be my friend."

"I'm not trying to fool anybody! And I do want to be your friend." He argued.

"Well I don't know what I want. I'm scared of you." I said.

"You should not be scared of me, Peyton! I'm not a monster!"

"Really? Then what are you?"

"I'm Brandon."

"And that's exactly why I'm scared of you."

"I'm sorry!"

"Shouldn't you be worried that your new slore won't like you talking to me anyways?"

"No, I'm not worried about that. She's not my girlfriend. Slores, or whores don't care about that crap!"

"Right. What was I thinking? And here I thought you had more self respect than that."

"I do!"

"Then how could you jump into bed with some slut when we've only been broken up for like 6 weeks? How could you do that? How could you just forget about me so quickly."

"I never forgot about you. And the way things went with us, I figured you were long gone!"

"Long gone?? Like it even would've made a difference!"

"I think it would have, but since I said all those things to you...I figured I messed up too much!"

"So what are you saying?? That you would have wanted to get back together??"

"Yea, I have given it some thought but I did a lot of damage to you."

"What do you think this is a game??? Why would you say those things if you didn't mean them, and if you meant what you said, then why would you want to be with someone you had so little respect for?"

"I respected you, I'm not taking back what I said, you just took my words the wrong way!"

"((Sigh)) Well now I need to know what tense we're speaking in, Brandon. How do you feel NOW."

He didn't respond for like 5 minutes. Then finally:

"I have to work right now. I will talk with you later."

I didn't respond. But when I got to work, Summer told me she asked him if he would get back together with me, and he said yea, but he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him. Or something along those lines.

((Sigh))

My head is reeling. I don't even know how to process all this information. And I don't know when this conversation of ours is going to take place, and I have NO idea what I'm going to say, or what he's going to say.... What if he does wanna get back together? Should I??? I mean, I know I want to. I'm still in love with him. I always have been. But...I can't bear to be put through this again. It's slowly killing me. And I mean...he slept with someone else!! I can't easily forget about that! I'm doing everything in my power right now to not find out who she is and put her on TheDirty! And I dunno if he's right for me, I just...don't know!

All I know is, I love him, and I miss him terribly, and I've been really unhappy since we broke up. But he's the reason I'm unhappy! And I can't just forget about everything that happened!

UGh....

I already know what you all are going to say. Don't get back together with him. He's done this too many times, he'll just do it again. I know, I know, I know! Because logic is already telling me all those things. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do the right thing. Especially when I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is.

Aniticipating Distraction

Well, this weekend was...interesting, to say the least. So I'm gonna work my way backwards...
Last night I had a dream that Brandon and I got back together...that we talked, well mostly he talked, and I listened, and we kissed and...everything was good again. ((Sigh)) I woke up way too early, thinking about him, and wondering if he thinks about me, and wanting to call him, text him...
Of course, I didn't. But it was just so...heart wrenching. Because I wish so bad, that I could have that. A dream come true.
But I know it's not right. Not meant to be. We can't go back. Ever.
((Sigh))
Work last night was uneventful. Brandon hasn't made any more attempts to talk to me. And now I wish he would. Even though I still probably wouldn't listen. It would just be nice to know that he still cared on some level.

Friday night was actually, pretty good!
Ali and I got a little tipsy behind the bar. Lol. It was so slow, and I was...well you know. Working with Brandon.
So, my blast from the past, Mike, came into my work again that night. And he and I took some shots together, and we just kind hung out for a bit.
"So, Peyton! When are we gonna hang out? You know, like...really hang out?" He asked.
"What do you mean?? You've got my number!" I said.
"No! I don't actually! I mean, I thought I did, but I don't!"
"Ok, ok, well here!" I said, as I jotted my number down on a scrap of paper, "Now you don't have any excuses!"
"Awesome! I won't lose it!" And he folded it up and put it in his shirt pocket.
He left soon afterwards, but I'm sure I haven't heard the last of him.

Not too long afterwards, I served this really mysteriously sexy guy a couple times. He was really...quiet, and under the radar, ya know? Very intriguing... So when he asked me to close his tab, I made sure to look at his credit card, and get his first name. Logan. Then I wrote him a little note, and slid it into his check presenter.
"I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and give you my number..." And I left him my number!

Then last night, he texted me!! I was at work though, so I didn't get it till like...4am. But it said, "Hey what are you up to tonight?"
And then, "Sorry, I forgot you didn't have my number... This is Logan from last night. You wrote your number on my tab."
So I wrote him back, much later, "Well hello, Logan! Sorry, I just got your text. I know you're probably passed out by now, but I am still at work!"

Well, it is now 9pm the next day, and I never heard back from him again, so... Who knows? Maybe he'll never call! But, at least I put myself out there! Right?
Oh, and Mike Facebook messaged me today! He wants me to go watch his band next Thursday. I told him I'd try to make it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get off work.

Jasper's been sick the past week. He's had like...chronic, explosive diarrhea! I mean...literally, he can't make it through the night! And I've been losing sleep, because I keep having to get up and take him out, or get up and clean up his kennel, because he shat all over it. ((Sigh))
So I got up yesterday morning, after only 4 hours of sleep, and took him to the vet. Then I spent the entire day worrying about him, because the vet tech said he would need a parvo test. Ugh...
He ended up being fine in the end. Just stressed from moving. They gave him some antibiotics, and they're already starting to work!

So I guess, all in all, my weekend has been really...up and down. Every time I think I'm starting to move on, or...learn to live without Brandon, I get knocked down again. Something always happens! ((Sigh))
Hopefully a distraction will come soon.
Austin next weekend! I can't wait!!

Interesting Developments

OMG. I'm kind of drunk right now. And I didn't mean to get drunk. But I was eating leftover wings, and all I had to drink was bottled water, or wine. So I opened this bottle of sparkling wine that Brandon and I bought about a week ago, and I poured myself a glass. I figured, what the hell? And the wings were a bit spicey, so I ended up chugging my first glass, and then my second, and well...here I am! Drunk! Hahaha.

So I'm pretty buzzed, chatting on Facebook, and guess who messages me?

You guys probably don't remember him, but back when we met, I referred to him as The Good Guy. We actually "met" on a dating website, and he knew Bethany. Well, every now and then, he comes into my bar, or we run into each other. I've just never mentioned it before, cuz I never thought it was really relevant. Ya know? But tonight, he sent me a FB chat message, and when I went ot write back, he had signed off. So I texted him.

Me: You hung up on me!

TGG: My computer is being a biatch. Whats up?

Me: I dunno, you messaged me!

TGG: Yea, I was looking forward to some FB chat but alas, my computer is ridiculous. Just sayin hey.

Me: Ah...yes. FB chat is my only form of entertainment at my new place till the cable gets set up.

TGG: Where's your new place?

Me: (description)

TGG: Cool. I'm still at the same place. This is gonna sound weird, but I had a dream about you last night.

Me: Aaahahaha! About what?

(Ten minutes goes by...)

Me: Comeon...The suspense is killing me!

TGG: The fact that I'm not going to tell you what the dream was about will probably give you a good idea of what was involved. So yea... It was interesting.

Me: OMG. WE HAD DREAM SEX!?

TGG: Lol yes. We did. I woke up as surprised as you are.

Me: Surprised and satisfied! Haha. You know what that means, right?

TGG: It means I woke up with a boner and had to pee really bad.

Me: Lmao, Well yes, but it also means you have deep rooted sexual frustration that you secretly want to take out on me.

(Several minutes go by...)

Me: [TGG]. There's no need to be embarassed. We're both consenting adults. Lol.

TGG: Ah! I just got every text back to back all at once. now my phone is being a bitch.

Me: Man...technology must really be out to get you.

TGG: Yep. Well FYI, you were a good lay in the dream. Just sayin...

Me: Lol. Well FYI, I'm not just good in dreams. Just sayin...

TGG: So what are you saying, Peyton? I'm listening.

Me: Well...I thought I was being pretty clear. Heh.

TGG: I'll keep that in mind. I'm just chilling at my place by the way.

Me: Oh really? Same here.

TGG: Feeling froggy? Why don't you jump on over here?

Me: While that is rather tempting, I am covered in paint and in desperate need of a shower. Lol. I had to repaint/clean my old apt today. So I'm going to request a raincheck. And I don't mean "i'mblowingyouoffandcallingitaraincheck", I mean an actual raincheck.

TGG: Ok cool stuff. I'll take a raincheck. On that note, though, I must depart and call it a night. We'll chat soon though.

Me: Very well then. Hopefully I'll make another appearance in your dreams. ;)



That concluded our conversation. And reading it back, I almost feel ashamed at my tipsy, randy self, but oh well! It was fun!

And who knows what may happen. A rebound may commence...



Although, unfortunately, I do have to give you all a Brandon update.

Saturday night, I was in a really good mood at work again, because Todd played really good in his game, and I got to watch most of it.

Anyways, Brandon got to work 2 hours after me, and I ignored him, as usual. But around last call, the lights came on, and I was closing out a tab, and he walks up right night to me at the computer.

"So you're not gonna talk to me tonight either?" He asked.

"Nope." I said, as I swiped the credit card.

"Why not?"

"Because I have nothing to say to you." The stupid credit card wouldn't go through!

"Well I just want to talk to you about-"

"I don't care. I'm not going to waste any more time, effort, or words on you, Brandon. Just leave me alone." I grabbed the check presenter and made for the other computer, since that one wasn't working anyway.

He followed me!

I don't know what he was saying, because I wasn't listening, but he was hissing in my ear, stuff about our relationship, that he wanted to talk about.

I physically pushed him away from me.

"Leave me alone! If you wanna go fuck other girls, that's your business, but I don't want to hear about it." I walked off again. By this time, I was starting to get upset. He was still following me.

When I got to the other end of the bar, I asked Mark to please tell Brandon that I now was not the time or place to talk to me.

Mark looked up from what he was doing, glanced over at Brandon, and nodded.

But Brandon still persisted!

"It's not about other girls!" He said.

My eyes were flooding with tears, and my face was hot with anger.

I just can't deal with this. Especially not now, I thought.

Magically, Mr. S. appeared at the end of the bar. I hurried over to him.

"Could you please tell Brandon to leave me alone. I can't deal with this right now." I pleaded to him, tears starting to spill over.

He looked sympathetic.

"Come over here. You can go to the back bar. We'll send Sierra up front." He said.

I had to walk back past Brandon to leave the bar. I was so upset at him for doing this to me, now at work, and for almost making me cry, in front of everyone! I shoved him as hard as I could up against the beer cooler.

"You're a piece of shit!" I yelled over the loud music as I stormed off.

The rest of the night went by without incident.

I still don't understand why he's doing this to me.

I just want to move on!



Maybe The Good Guy will be a nice distraction, or even a rebound.

I'm getting a bikini wax Wednesday. ((Sigh))

Perhaps I'll give him a call...

Out From Under

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I've been in a very dark place...
And I'm almost embarrassed to say it was mostly because I missed Daniel. I'm not gonna go into detail about it, but we broke up over the stupidest, pettiest misunderstanding, and I couldn't stop beating myself up about it. But Melissa gave me some excellent advice on how to handle the situation, and now we're back together! I never realized how much work it is playing hard to get. He would e-mail me, and I wasn't allowed to respond! I mean there were so many things I wanted to tell him, but Melissa told me not to write him. I had to give him some time to miss me. And it worked!
He invited me to his birthday dinner, and I told him I'd try to make it. Of course I had to get an outfit and everything, because I was definitely gonna be there! And dinner was a little awkward at first... Alyssa and her boyfriend, Russ, were there, and Jenna was there, so I had moral support, which was nice. And I kept catching him staring at me from across the room. Then after dinner, we went to Zeppelin, and he came up to me and asked why I had been ignoring his e-mails, and why I hated him. To which I responded I definitely didn't hate him. And he told me he missed me a lot, and his sheets still smelled like me, and he couldn't bring himself to change them. ((sigh)) And the rest is history...
It almost seems like it's too good to be true, but it just feels so right. I mean it's been so long since I've really, genuinely cared about some one so much.
My friend is out of the hospital too, and I did get to spend some quality time with him, so that was nice.
Yesterday was Daniel's birthday and we spent the whole day together. We went to the baseball game, and then went out for drinks afterwards. And while we were on our way to hitting the drive thru, he told me he loved me. Yea, I know, shocker! But all I could do was grin stupidly, and think about how glad I am that we resolved everything and are giving things another shot. ((sigh))
For all you readers this probably seems like a lot to take in, or maybe that I'm jumping the gun. But keep in mind, all this has happened over a period of almost 2 months. I just haven't been very good about keeping you all updated lately.
I just can't believe how much lighter I feel now that I have Daniel back. This morning, I was having a really bad dream. I had driven my car off a bridge (not on purpose!) and I was drowning. And then Daniel shook me awake.
"Wake up! You have to wake up!" He whispered urgently.
"Why?" I asked groggily.
"Were you having a bad dream?" He asked.
"Yea...how did you know?"
"You were shaking. I could just tell you were having a bad dream, so I had to wake you up." He said, and he pulled me close to him, and I fell back asleep in his arms, to much happier dreams.

And what's so weird about that, is that it is so all-encompassingly analogous to everything that's been going on in my life lately. It was like a nightmare. Like I was drowning. And he pulled me out. :)

I am completely falling, head over heels for this guy.