Changes Are Afoot

Ughh I know I've been so bad at this. It's hard to find motivation to write, when everything seems so stagnant, and/or depressing.
I've been struggling financially and also with trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I love doing photography, but I'm not making enough money. My mom keeps trying to get me to take up bartending again, but I just can't. It would feel like a big step backwards, even if it would help me out financially. And the fact that I'm paying exorbitant amounts of money on my student loans every month, loans towards an education in photography, which I'm proud to say I'm actually pursuing, it would just seem like a total waste to pay back that money with earnings from a BARTENDING job. Ugh... I know everyone struggles with identity crises and financial issues, and everyone does things they don't like or don't want to do to survive. But how do you know what's worth it??
I've applied for personal assistant jobs, art gallery jobs, other kinds of photography jobs... Nothing has come through yet, and I'm barely treading water. ((Sigh))

Anyway, the thing that led me here today, the reason I was actually inspired to write is because I do have some good news. I met someone. And he's different. I know, I know, they're all "different"...
But he is difference because he makes me laugh. He makes me laugh with the weird, silly things he does and says. He doesn't seem to care if I might think he's deranged, or a total freak, but I don't think those things, because the weird stuff he does and says makes me laugh! And I think to myself, Seems like something I would do. And he's confident, but not cocky. He makes a plans for our next date while we're on our current one. He kissed me on our second date, but it was a quick, almost chaste kiss. And it just continued to build from there. And I find myself thinking about him more and more, wanting to be with him more and more... But I'm trying very hard to resist my usual tendency to jump in with both feet. I don't wanna get ahead of myself. I spent the night at his place for the first time last night. And I didn't sleep with him. He definitely tried, but I kept redirecting his efforts until he finally asked why I was being so "squirrelly". Lol. I said because I didn't want to have to tell him that I wasn't going to sleep with him tonight. He asked why, not in a petulant way, but just in a curious way. And I said because I want to err on the side of caution, and he said he respects that. Things still got a bit hot and heavy after that, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it and wasn't seriously tempted to sleep with him anyway. ((Sigh)) He was just as rough as I like it, and the way he kissed me it was like he was devouring me, it was just so...sexy. Ah!!
This morning we woke up super early because his room is so bright. He got up and started making coffee, but I didn't stay. I felt terrible leaving Jasper home alone, and I knew I was going to need a nap. I never sleep well the first night in a new guy's bed. Especially when there wasn't even sex! So I basically spent this entire day in bed, intermittently eating donuts, and constantly thinking about Brett, wanting to text him, but not doing it. We did see each other several times this week, so a little distance is probably healthy for a day or 2. He has been pestering me about coming over to my place but... My mom and I decided to tear up the carpet in the living room last week (there are hardwood floors underneath) so it's a total disaster area! Plus, my sister is out of town, and I'm watching her cats, and Brett doesn't know I have 2 cats. He knows about one of them, and Jasper, but...lol. I'd rather just sorta ease him into the zoo that is my life. But really it's just too messy over here right now. And his place is SOOO neat it barely looks lived in. He's an architect and he built and decorated the whole place himself. I'm afraid he'll come over, see the state of chaos I live in and go running for the hills. ((Sigh)) All the more reason for me to want to get my shit together.
Ohhhh what to do, what to do...

Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)

I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.

Last Woman Standing

Well apparently Abbie's wife has been cheating on her since February with some woman she works with. Abbie's twin, Reagan, found out quite by accident. They all share a family phone plan, and Reagan was looking over the bill when she noticed that Helen's call log had been manually deleted, which was odd, as well as a strange number that was being texted a lot, late at night. So she mentioned it to Abbie, and Abbie confronted Helen, and she denied it at first, but "gradually" came clean, only admitting to a little bit at a time.
Abbie said she is heartbroken, and still loves Helen, and she thought they were still in their honeymoon phase, despite the fact that Helen has been callous and bitchy towards her recently. She cried on the phone, and said she feels like a failure and she doesn't want to tell anyone that Helen cheated. I think she's being way too accommodating. What a cunt! Ugh... I feel so bad for her. But she said her new job as a flight attendant has helped keep her distracted and busy. So that's good. Hopefully she'll meet some new people and being away from Helen will make it easier for her to move on.
So that's what's going on with that.

So for the past several months, Lauren has been kind of seeing this guy she met on Tinder who lives in Dallas. He's been here to visit a few times, and she's gone there, but she always spoke of him as if he was more of a friend than a romantic interest. Like, she thinks he's really funny and they have a good time together, but she wasn't that attracted to him physically. And then there was the fact that they basically never had sex. Apparently she tried to initiate it several times, and it just...didn't work. So that's definitely not a good sign. So based on all of that, I never really gave Dallas Guy much thought. But then she went there this past weekend and she told me on Sunday that he asked her to move in with him! IN DALLAS! Apparently the lack of sex was due to the fact that he "really really likes her" and was nervous, and after they talked about it, everything was fine in the bedroom. And she said she is actually thinking about it. If she leaves, I'll just DIE!! She is my ONLY remaining single friend! Not to mention, basically my only friend AT ALL here in NOLA. I mean, there's Bethany, but we just don't have much in common anymore and I don't feel as close to her as I did back in the day. Plus, she's completely consumed with work and wedding planning. Ugh.
If Lauren leaves, who will I go out with on the weekends? Who will be my trusty wingwoman? Who will go to last minute happy hour with me? Who will be my travel buddy on road trips to Houston??? MY SOCIAL LIFE IS GOING TO DIE A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH! Not to mention my sex/dating life, which I pretty much owe entirely to her. I never would have met any of the guys I met this year if I wasn't out with Lauren. ((Sigh))
I know Sophie is coming, which is good, but...it's not the same as having a girlfriend my own age to pal around with. And she doesn't really go out much, and we run in very different circles. We've always had our own friends. I've had terrible anxiety over this for the last couple days, because I don't want my life to go back to the way it was. When I was boring and always at home watching tv and eating. I could gain back all the weight I lost! UGHHHHHH....
Making new friends is hard.
Meeting men is hard.
I thought I had a handle on that situation, but now all of that could go down the toilet. ((Sigh))

I haven't heard from Kyle all week either. Not since he apologized for responding late to a text I sent him. He was at a haunted house with his brother and he said he doesn't like to be on his phone when he's doing things with other people, which I understand and respect. But now he's in Miami all week, and I told myself I wouldn't text him AT ALL. And I haven't. But he hasn't texted me either, which is not a good sign.

Sex, Dating, Marriage and Cheating

Sorry if I left you guys hanging. Apparently some of you were confused by my reaction to finding out "The Cheater" had a gf. Ok. Initially yea, maybe my reaction was inappropriately strong. But it obviously came as a complete shock to me. And yes, it's true, I knew next to nothing about the guy when I slept with him, and what we had lasted one night, and was 85% just physical. The fact still remains, I wouldn't have done any of it if I'd known he was supposed to be committed to another person. I'm not ok with that. I'm not a pure hedonist, there is always a line we have to draw. After everything that happened with Lane, I came out the other side of a dark tunnel pretty much, with my back straight and my head up, refusing to let my broken heart take me deeper into that tunnel, where surely depression and anxiety and hopelessness waited for me. I've been there before, I'm familiar with the road that leads to that, and I made a choice not to take that road. Instead, I chose the road of distraction, pleasure and indulgence. I don't regret that choice, because it's far better than the alternative, but perhaps I continued down that path a little too long. And finding out about Eric's girlfriend was sort of an eye opener. I'm not saying I'm going to revirginize myself or anything, but going forward, I want to be a bit more informed on my choices. I don't think cheating is ok, ever. Under any circumstances. I've cheated, and been cheated on. In the long run, it's hurtful to everyone involved, and any pleasure derived from the experience comes at a hefty price. Not to mention, it's baggage I just don't need! So those are my feelings on that.

Anyway, Abbie just called and dropped a huge bomb on me. She and Helen are getting a divorce. They haven't even been married a year! The selfish part of me is angry because I spent so much money to be in their wedding and had to fly to Chicago when I was broke and going through a really rough time, and so much time and thought (and more money) went into the gift I got/made for them, and so much time and grief (on my part as well as Abbie's) went into their whole courtship (I was in Chicago for all of that), and now it's all just going down the drain! The phone call was very brief, because Abbie was at work, but she did tell me that Helen cheated, and apparently her twin sister, Reagan, is the one who figured it out. She promised to call me later tonight and explain everything. ((Sigh)) I'm going to be thinking and wondering and speculating about this all day. Of course I feel awful for Abbie, and genuinely shocked. They seemed so in love! And I really did believe Helen was the best woman for the job! (Being Abbie's wife) Cuz Abbie's no walk in the park. I mean, just being her friend was pretty much a full-time job, and she's high maintenance! Maybe that's why Helen cheated? She's also pretty young. I think she was only 24 or 25 when they got married. Still! NOT AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT! Ugh...
Every time this happens I lose a little bit more hope for myself. I know, I know, it's not about me. But if any of you are one of the last TWO single people left in your group of friends, you'll understand. It's just me and Lauren now. One of us will end up in a relationship eventually, and the other one will be fucked. And I don't want it to be Lauren, but of course, I don't want it to be me either. ((Sigh))

Speaking of relationships, Chris hasn't answered my last 2 texts. At first I thought he might be traveling, because the last time I saw him, he mentioned he was gonna have to go to Detroit and somewhere else. But in the past, he's always been pretty good at responding to my messages, so either I said or did something the night of my bday that put him off or freaked him out, or it's just ran its course. Who knows? Our time together had an expiration date anyway, so perhaps it's better this way.
And Kyle promised to take me out for a late bday dinner as well. That was supposed to happen the weekend after my birthday. We had a restaurant picked out and he was going to pick me up and everything. But the morning of our date, he called and said he left his work laptop at his hotel in Dallas and had to drive all the way back to get it because he could get in big trouble. He apologized a lot and begged me not to hate him and swore he'd make it up to me, but we have yet to reschedule. ((Eye roll)) First he got sent off shore, and this weekend I'm super busy with work, and on Sunday he's leaving for a work conference in Miami for a week. Ugh! I'm not sure if this will ever happen. Maybe in another 2 years? Lol. As much as I would like to see him and find out if we still have that chemistry we had 2 years ago, I'm not holding my breath. But in the meantime, my bootycall well has dried up. So I'm taking that as a sign that my 6 month foray into the life of Dorian Gray has come to an end. I really do want something more meaningful than that.

Cheater

I wanted to blog yesterday, but my laptop charger stopped working and I was trying to save my computer battery before I went and bought a new one. Anyway...birthday weekend was a huge success! Lauren and Bethany and I went out for brunch, then some day drinking, and I finished the night off by getting together with Chris, and having some mind blowing bday sex. His flight got in at 5pm ON MY BIRTHDAY so it worked out perfectly. This weekend coming up should be a good one too, because Kyle will be back in town, and he says he's taking me out for a late birthday dinner. We've been texting all day. And I keep telling myself that I am NOT going to sleep with him. I mean it's been 2 years since I've seen him, so what's the rush? Maybe I can actually squeeze a few dates out this guy, who knows? All I know is, it seems like I'm actually having my needs met in the sex dept right now, and I want more than that. So I'm going to give Kyle a shot.
Speaking of the sex dept, that guy I hooked up with from Austin a couple weeks ago, the half Chinese really beautiful one with the longish hair? He texted me the other day asking me when I was coming to Austin and we were chatting for a bit. He made some comment about us sleeping in "my bed" and I was like, "Uh, what about YOUR bed? You're the one who lives in Austin, not me."

And he said, "Nah, I never let people sleep in my bed." RED FLAG!

So I said, "Why? Do you have a thing for bedwetters or something?" Trying to keep it light.

"Haha, no, it just always causes trouble."

"Trouble? What kind of trouble? Doooo you sleep in a cardboard box? Have voyeurs for roommates? Are you married? Wtf??"

"I do have 2 roommates, ya. And no, I'm not married, but I do have a gf."

"You're joking, right?"

"I don't lie."

"Well you failed to mention that when we met. That's considered a lie of omission. Now you're saying you wanna hook up again?? Clearly, something isn't right in your so-called relationship. Perhaps you should spend some time figuring that out instead of cheating on your gf. Because I don't want any part of that."

"That's fine, I respect that. I'm not trying to do anything you're not comfortable with. It's a long distance thing, and she's weird, but it is what it is."

This went on for a while, him basically making up excuses, and trying to convince me that it's okay for him to cheat, and me trying to explain that while maybe he thinks it's ok, I do not, and it's totally not cool that he made me a party to his cheating without even telling me! Then he was like, "Ok well you don't have to be so mean about it" and I was basically like, "HA! I'm not going to apologize for what I said. I was just being honest. You're the one who is in the wrong, not me."
After that I fell asleep, because it was late. He sent me like 3 more texts saying I should just let it go and not be mad cuz that will make me miserable. ((Eye roll)) What a dolt! Ugh. I'm not even mad really, I'm just so disgusted. I guess now I have to flat out ask every guy I meet if he's actually single!? And I'm really surprised that after my initial reaction of disapproval, he continued to text me as if he either cares what I think, or he still thinks he has a chance of hooking up with me. In fucking September!
I seriously don't understand dudes... I mean he is younger than most of the guys I date/hook up with, but I knew going into it that it was just a one night thing, I wasn't expecting anything else. Certainly not that he'd end up having a girlfriend! ((Sigh))

I made sure to ask Chris if he was single the other night. He gave me a weird look and confirmed that he is, in fact single. What a relief.

Return to Reality

Sorry I've been MIA, I was in Orlando at Harry Potter World with my dad, and Sophie and my dad's girlfriend, Laurie. We had a blast. Got back on Wednesday. No news with Adam really. He's off this week and we texted briefly, but he hasn't asked me to do anything, so I'm playing it cool, and keeping my distance. I refuse to text him until he texts me. I just need to meet someone else. ((Sigh)) I would like it to work with him, but...maybe he's just not that into me. Chris seems a bit more interested. He asked me to hang out Friday, but I was already in bed. I lied though and told him I was out with a friend so I wouldn't seem lame lol. Now he's gone for the weekend because his sister is having a baby. But he'll be back, and we're gonna hang out then. God, I wish he lived here. He's so hot!! And awesome. And doesn't seem to know or mind that I shat in his toilet! LOL.
Anyway...I just wanted to update everybody, even though I don't have much to report.

I've Been Bad

So my friend Lauren who lives here recently found out that her dad has cancer. He started chemo a couple weeks ago, but on Thursday his doctors told them that his liver has completely shut down and they're stopping chemo, and he has 2-3 weeks left. She said she doesn't want sympathy or the "Are you ok?" treatment, she just wants to take her mind off it every once in a while. So Saturday night, we went out. I had to shoot a concert that night, but I met up with Lauren and her friends afterwards around 10:30. We hit a couple spots and then Lauren said she wanted to go Frenchman, so I loaded up all of us in my car and drove us down there. I'd only had 1 drink at this point, so still good to drive. Well as soon as I got us there and parked, Lauren said she needed to go home. She's the kind drinker where when she says, "I gotta go home", she really means it. Lol. If she doesn't go home, she'll either get sick or pass out somewhere. So she left with the guy she was with, and then it was just me and this other dude who I'd just met, and wasn't into. I mean, he was nice, but like... I wouldn't have wanted to go out on the town alone with him or anything. But I had just parked my car, and it was only midnight, so me and the dude decided to at least have 1 drink on Frenchman. So we walked into the closest bar. There was a live band playing and people dancing, and it was crowded. As we were making our way through the crowd, I noticed a group of like 4 or 5 guys, dancing, sans girls, on the dancefloor and just being goofy. And one of those guys was HOT. I made a mental note of this. He looks like a cross between The Model and Brandon Boyd from Incubus. ((Drool)) So I hit the ladies and the guy went to grab us drinks and then we chatted a bit. Then he said he needed to use the restroom, so I figured I would take that opportunity to see if the hot guy was still around. Well the dance floor was crowded enough that I was able to brush right by his friend, and he just happened to be wearing a pair of Luna Lovegood glasses. So I immediately asked him about the glasses, and boom! Conversation with hot guy was on. His name is Chris. We chatted about Harry Potter, music, and other silly things. And he kept saying he thought it was super cool that I was alone at the bar, even after I explained to him that I didn't actually show up alone. Of course, it turns out he doesn't live here. HE LIVES IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA. Ugh. But he's in tv production, and working on a show here until September. WORTH IT. Lol. So we had a few shots, and then things get a little fuzzy... I ended up going back to his hotel with him, and we had a pretty awesome time. It was after 6am by the time we went to sleep and he was supposed to be at work at 8:30 Sunday morning. Yea, that didn't happen lol. He says he set his alarm, but neither of us heard it and he shot out of bed at 9am in a panic. I was a bit hungover, but mostly just tired, and I had to work at noon. So after I left, he texted me! He said he wanted to see me again. So I worked, napped, showered, he did the same, and we met for dinner. Annnnd I spent another night with him.
Except this time things didn't go so smoothly...
My hungover self went through the drive through and ordered a fucking cheeseburger on my way home Sunday morning. I'm a pescatarian. I never eat meat. I felt ok though. Until after dinner. Then my stomach got the lurches and I was starting to worry. But it seemed to go away for a while, until we got back to his place. I had to take a shit. I just couldn't hold it! Lol. And he's staying at an extended stay hotel, not like a house, so the bathroom isn't as private and isolated as it could be! Luckily the exhaust fan turns on automatically with the lights, and Chris was playing music (Jeff Buckley - swoon!) so I figured I had a chance!
*DISCLAIMER* If you don't find toilet humor funny, you should stop reading now.
So I sit down on the toilet, and immediately I can tell that it's not going to be quiet. But I have this theory, that if you pull your ass cheeks apart, your farts will just escape silently, because there's no friction! It actually does work, if it's a dry fart, but that was not the case. It wasn't like a classic BBRRRRFFFT! fart noise that came out. It was abrupt and echoed in the toilet bowl, but still could be misconstrued as me knocking over the trash can, or perhaps opening the toilet lid. So I sat, frozen in mortification for a moment, hoping Chris didn't hear. But there was more. A couple more. Not as loud as the first, but still. UGhhhh, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I just NEEDED to get it out, I knew as soon as I did I would be 100%, but I didn't have the time or proper isolation to just take a shit! So I shat conservatively and then left the bathroom after what seemed not TOO long. I was just hoping against hope that he hadn't heard or noticed what had just happened.
And he actually seemed totally normal. But then things started getting a little hot and heavy, and I was so sure that I was going to let one rip mid coitus, that I couldn't relax or enjoy myself. ((Sigh)) I mean, we still had fun, but it was mostly strictly missionary position for me, or I risked literally shitting the bed lol.
So finally we "went to sleep". Not me. I laid there literally holding in my poop for hours. Waiting for it to either go away, or for Chris to fall asleep so I could go back to the bathroom. But then I realized it wasn't just poop anymore. My bladder was also quite full, and the pressure of a full bladder really wasn't helping my current situation! So I figured it was safe to get up and have a pee.
But again, once I was on the toilet, I knew what was coming. A big shit was coming, that's what. So I peed first and then waited till I knew it was going to all come out and I timed the flushing of the toilet with that moment so that he wouldn't hear it. I mean he was sleeping, but still. Success!! Or so I thought... I obviously still had to wipe and flush the toilet again. And when I did...nothing was going down! So there was just a big blob of poopy toilet paper floating in there! And no plunger. So I'm standing there whispering, "FUCK FUCK FUCK!" to myself as I frantically search around the tiny hotel bathroom for something...to what? I don't know! I waited till the water stopped and tried to flush again. Still nothing. FUCK! So I carefully and quietly took the lid off the tank and slowly lifted the lever to keep the water draining. That didn't work either, but fortunately, all the replacing of the water left what seemed to be clean toilet paper instead of shitty toilet paper. So I tried to carefully and quietly replace the tank lid. NOPE! LOUD FUCKING CLANKING PORCELAIN SOUND. UGHHHHH FML!!! Literally, "fuck it", is what I thought, and in the most clandestine moment of quick thinking I came up with a story. I hurried out of the bathroom, seemingly worried.
"Hey! Are you awake?" I whispered to him hoarsely. No answer, so I shook him a little, "Hey!"
"Hmmm...?" Either he was deeply asleep, or he's a really good actor, but he seemed totally out of it.
"Uhhh...earlier, did you happen to uh...feel anything inside me?"
"Huh? What you mean, like your birth control?"
"Yea, my ring. I can't find it."
"Well it was definitely there earlier."
"Well sometimes it can become...dislodged during sex. And usually I just check to make sure it's there afterward, but we fell asleep so I didn't. And I just spent like the better part of 13 minutes in the bathroom digging around in my vagina and I couldn't feel it. And then I think I may have put too much toilet paper in the toilet cuzzz it won't flush."
He still looked pretty out of it, but my worried act must've been convincing.
"Ok...well it was definitely there before. I felt it."
"Ok. Well...it could be in the bed. Or...possibly in the toilet."
"Do you need to look in the bed for it?"
"No, it's fine. I can look in the morning. Sorry about the toilet."
"Don't worry about it."
And we went to sleep. And this time, I actually slept. And I think he really did buy that story!!
So this morning, he got up to pee. I heard him flush the toilet, but I could tell it wasn't really flushing. When he came back from the bathroom, he said, "I guess I need to get maintenance up here. Did you ever find your ring?"
"Uhhhh no, but it's fine. I'll check later."
So we laid in bed talking for like 2 hours, and then finally he said he couldn't lay in bed anymore. I actually think he may have needed to take a shit because he called the maintenance person first thing. And I also really just wanted to sit on a toilet privately for a while. Lol. So he walked me to my car, which was sweet, and kissed me goodbye. A LOT. And he said, "Let's hang out again soon." And I, of course, acquiesced.
We texted some more after I got home and finally farted and shat and all that good stuff lol. UGH. I still can't believe that happened to me. Coulda been worse though I guess...
Well I do hope I see him again. I told him I have a whole list of restaurants he needs to try and he said we should start the tour on his next day off. So we'll see...

In other news, Adam. We've been having the same conversation all week. Are you home? No. Are you still sick? Yes. Have you been to the doctor? No. Why not?? I don't have time, but I'm seriously dying. Wah Wah WAhhhhh...
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. ((Sigh))
It's starting to get really old. My prediction for this weekend is he'll spend it in bed, being sick, instead of taking me out, because he refused to go to the doctor and get some fucking antibiotics. Which means, I'll hang out with Chris again, if that's an option. We'll see...

I honestly haven't had this much excitement or activity in my dating life in years. It must be the 20 lbs I lost. I really need to keep that weight off, so help me God!

Dating Is The Worst

So I still haven't seen Adam since our ONE date, last Monday/Tuesday. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and not overanalyze, but let me present both sides and you all can judge for yourselves. PLEASE comment and give me your opinions.

CONS
This feels a lot like when a guy is either just not that into me, or he's not looking to get into a relationship, so he tries not to encourage the girl too much. Like, we went on the one date, and then had sex, so maybe he feels he doesn't need to pursue me anymore. Or maybe he just got what he wanted out of it and he's hoping it'll just fizzle. Over the last 4 days, our texting has slowed and I feel like I've been doing most of the initiation/driving the conversation. This worries me because I think I'm a pretty intuitive person, and generally when I start getting this vibe from someone, especially this early on, I just wanna let it go and move on before it gets worse.

PROS (or more aptly, Reasons/Excuses Why He May Seem Disinterested)
He has kept in touch with me throughout his work week, even if some of our messages were few and far between. And he did tell me it would be really hard for him to do anything during his work week because his schedule is so wack. He gets called in at weird hours, and sometimes has to work through the night and then try to sleep at the station while he waits for another ship to bring him back to the city. And then maybe the next day he works during the day and he's tired the whole shift, but then he can't sleep at night. So he doesn't sleep well and he doesn't sleep much during work weeks and is rarely home. I get that.
I was kinda hoping to maybe see him last night, because his work weeks begin and end on Wednesdays, so I knew he'd be off, but he told me an old professor of his was in town so he was going to meet up with him.
The other thing is, he's flying to LA today to meet with his friend who wants him to basically be a COO of his company or some shit. And he told me on our date that he was really nervous about it, because he doesn't have any experience in that area and he doesn't think he has enough confidence to really "own a room". He even went to the bookstore and bought a couple books on business and about being confident. So I know he's probably had a lot of his mind with that, and he won't be back until Sunday or Monday, I can't remember which.
I did tell him he'd probably be getting some drunk texts from me this weekend while he's in LA, since Sophie is here and we're going out Friday night, and he'll be 2 hours behind over there. His response was that he loves drunk texts, so that is encouraging.
The other thing is, he told me he would always be honest with me and he specifically said that if he's seeing someone and he's just not into them, that he would TELL that person that. He actually told me the last girl he briefly dated was a setup by one of his neighbors, and it turned out that they didn't really have chemistry. So he broke it off, and told her he just didn't see it going anywhere, but she still texts him apparently. So I would hope that if he wasn't into me, he would do me the same courtesy, and just tell me. And then I would NOT continue to text him.


Ok so that's everything I think. But I haven't heard from him at all today, and he hasn't even left yet. Although he did say he was getting a massage today and he sleeps a lot when he finishes a work week. Probably nice to be back in his own bed (which is super comfy, btw). So what do I do? Do I send him a text and wish him a safe flight and good luck etc, or do I wait and just drunk text him tomorrow night? Do I ask him if he wants to get together next week? Or do I do neither and wait till he gets back and see if I hear from him?
Did I completely misread him and he's blowing me off and I'm just too in denial to see it??
UGhhhh dating is the worst.

Too Good To Be True?

I had my first date with Adam yesterday. He came and picked me up around 5, then we went downtown and walked along the Riverwalk, with cocktails, of course. Then we headed over to this fancy hotel restaurant where he had made us reservations. It was soooo good. We shared a bunch of small plates and had some more cocktails. Then we went and saw Deadpool at the fancy theater that serves food. We had wine and cheese. Then we went to a bar down the street from his place for a night cap. I ended up going back to his place with him again. We hung out on the balcony for a while, watching the fog roll in on the Mississippi, and then we went inside and tickle wrestled a little bit. Lol. We just really did have the best time. And he lets me ask him anything, and he says even if he doesn't wanna answer it, and even if it makes him look bad, he'll always be honest. So far, I think he has been. I asked him some pretty weird questions just to test him out. Haha. It was super late by the time we went upstairs, and things got heated again. He told me he didn't wanna sleep with me last time, because we had just met, and he "doesn't do that", but that wasn't the case this time. Things were going well, but we hit a setback when he put the condom on. Now I'm a little worried, because he made a couple comments about gay men hitting on him a lot. And as perfect as he seems, I just can't shake the feeling that maybe it's too good to be true! Maybe he's gay and in deep deep denial. Or maybe he'd just had too much to drink. Or maybe he was just nervous? I don't know. It just doesn't seem entirely normal that a guy who seems so into you would have trouble fucking you the first time ever. Right?? I dunno. Maybe it's me? 

Obviously I'm not going to give up on him yet, we still had a wonderful time, and laid in bed for most of today. Then he took me out to lunch and drove me home! 

Anyway, I really really hope he isn't secretly gay. I mean if he hadn't told me that story about some gay guy at a bar trying to kiss him, maybe it never would have occurred to me to think he might be gay. I mean he's not effeminate or anything. Then again, I was engaged to a guy who EVERYONE thought was gay when I was 20, and I never noticed it until someone else pointed it out. Although, he actually wasn't gay. He's now married with 2 children and seems really happy, but that's neither here nor there. 

Well I'm stickin' with Adam for now. I really like him, and technically, I can't find any reason to not continue dating him.

UpDATE

Well the date with Kevin tonight went well, all things considered. It was a little awkward initially because we were both so aware of the fact that we hardly know each other, and we're about to spend like 48 nonstop hours together. Oh, and cuz we were both sober lol. But he is pretty easy to talk to, and very sweet and gentlemanly. I will just be a bit relieved once we get passed this "I still don't know you stage".
That's what was so nice about Lane. I really do know him! And I didn't have to worry about it being awkward or uncomfortable when we were together. ((Sigh)) I still think about him a lot. I miss him. I miss our late night FaceTime's and our text conversations that went on for days. I miss just being able to ask him anything about anything and not feel weird about it. Now it's like the opposite of that. I feel like if I reach out to him, or try to put things back the way they were before he came here, it will make me seem desperate and lonely. I know I need to stop agonizing over this and move on, but I care about him a lot. And I can stop talking to him and try to put him out of my mind and go on trips with other guys but...he's still there, in the back of my mind, just waiting until I let my guard down to resurface. And the idea of being intimate with someone else so soon after him feels...wrong. It feels like I'm not ready. Which is true, I'm not. I don't want to rush into sex with the next person, whoever that may be.

Am I Crazy, Or What?

First thing's first. I deleted Tinder. NO MORE TINDER. Ugh. Anyway...

Yesterday afternoon, after work, I met my friend Lauren at this bar cuz she wanted to watch the Broncos game. She was hoping this guy she likes would meet her there, but had a feeling he would cancel and she didn't wanna go alone. I wasn't really that interested in the game, but I had nothing else going on so I figured what the hell! We were 2 of only 4 people that were there at the time, lol, but Lauren knows all the bartenders that work there because she used to hang out there so much. So we hung out, watched the game, and had a couple beers. Right around the time the game ended, the bartenders had a shift change, and a new guy came on. Kevin. And he was HOT. 6'4", nice smile, beautiful creamed coffee skin. He's black, and I've never actually dated a black guy. Not because I haven't wanted to, I just...never have! Although there was that one brief makeout sesh I had with the DJ who worked at my bar in Chicago...lol. Anyway, shortly after he got there, Kevin gave us a round of shots. Then Lauren heard from her dude, and he was asking her to come over. So she wanted to leave! I begged to her to stay, because after taking that shot, I was in no fit state to drive, and of course, I didn't want her to leave me alone at this bar! But Kevin said he'd keep me company, so Lauren left and I stayed. I texted my roommate, Jenn, and told her to take the ferry over and meet us, hoping she could drive us home in my car. So Kevin gave me another shot and we chatted and hung out till Jenn arrived. The night went on basically like that for a while, and then Kevin starts talking about how his birthday is this week and he's going to Austin. And I was like, "Oh!  That's so awesome, I love Austin!" And he was like, "Yea, I've never been. You wanna come?" And I was like, "Uhhhh...what?" And I'm like really buzzed at this point, and of course Kevin and I have been flirting, but that was just very unexpected. Well then he says if I come with him, he'll buy my plane ticket. And Jenn is like "Just go! What else do you have going on?" And I'm like, "Well...let me check with my boss." So I texted him asking him what are the chances I could have a couple days off this weekend, and he said, "Do what you wanna do." 

So then Kevin comes back from the other end of the bar where he was helping people, and he's like, "Well, what did your boss say?" And I told him, and he was like, "Sweet, let's book it!" And he did!!

He bought me a plane ticket right then and there on his phone behind the bar. I still kinda can't believe it. Well then I went to bathroom, and I guess Jenn was talking to him about me, cuz when I came back, she told me he asked her all kinds of questions about me like, "Is she real? There has to be SOMETHING wrong with her! Why is she single?"

And she told him I don't hit the bar scene much, and I don't meet a lot of people cuz of my job, and that if he's just looking for a one night stand type thing, then he should look elsewhere. I'm SO glad she told him that too, cuz I am gonna be traveling and staying in a hotel with a guy I BARELY know, and I don't wanna hook up with him just to hook up with him. I wanna get to know him, and see if the chemistry we have could be more than just physical attraction. But she said he responded positively to that, and that he's not looking for just a hookup.

Throughout the night, Kevin kept taking my hands and holding them from across the bar, and randomly kissing me on the cheek. And he kept telling me my eyes were mesmerizing. 😍I don't do so well with compliments. I never know how to respond! I'm pretty sure I just blushed. But he was acting really into me, and I'm just not used to that I guess. It almost makes me uncomfortable.

After a while, Jenn got bored cuz she wasn't really drinking, since she had to be the D.D. (which she wasn't thrilled about. She kept saying I lured her there under false pretenses lol.) So I asked Kevin if we could close our tab, but he refused to let us pay for anything. Then he came out from behind the bar to hug me goodbye, and he kissed me! On the lips! Not like a makeout kiss, just a short, tender one, on the lips. It was nice! And he's sooooo tallllll I LOVE IT. Then he said he'd like to get together this week before we leave for Austin, which of course, I agreed was a good idea. So he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow night!

This morning, he even texted me, first thing: Good morning pretty lady. Happy Monday 😘

I'm still a little freaked out that I did something so impulsive. I mean it's great to be spontaneous, and I told myself I was gonna go out and do more things, but...I'm just so surprised at myself! He's like a complete stranger! If it wasn't for the fact that Lauren has known him for years, and she told me he's a really good guy, then I never would have agreed to it. But, everything happens for a reason, right?? I'll keep you posted on our date tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

The Accidental Phone Call

Ok, as promised, Tinder Date #2. First of all, his name was Joshtin. Yea, like a mashup of Josh and Justin. Weird. But his profile was funny and sarcastic, so I thought we might get along. And he was really very funny via text! So we made plans to hang out on a Tuesday afternoon.
Well, shortly after we had made said plans, I accidentally butt dialed him. Ok, it actually wasn't a butt dial, I honestly don't know how I did it, but it was an accident! And it was pretty late at night. I wasn't with anybody or anything, I was just home in my bed, hanging out with the fur babies as per ush. But then I get a text from him... I'm just gonna paste the convo here.

So, as you can see from the conversation, I accidentally called him not once, but twice! Lol. But still, the texts were light and funny, which definitely didn't prepare me at all for what he would be like in real life. Which was very aloof, and very stingy with a smile. I'm serious! He didn't smile once on the whole date. In fact, he barely looked at me at all! He mostly just watched TV because Shark Week was on. I tried really hard to make conversation, but it was rough. Plus, he was a smoker, ugh. He was well dressed, and not bad looking, nice and tall, but he also seemed really full of himself, and my general impression was that he thought he was too good for everyone. Towards the end, he started talking about how much packing he needed to do for his business trip overseas, but that he would definitely call me when he got back. He never did of course. Meh, oh well. It clearly wasn't meant to be.
But while we're on the topic of dating, does anybody remember Lane? Well shortly after I moved to NOLA (which was over a year ago now, I can hardly believe it!), he sent me a facebook message. He went to Tulane, so he lived in NOLA for a few years and it's like his favorite city. So he said he just wanted to catch up and see how I liked it. And we've been talking ever since. He's in LA now, working in TV and also for UCLA doing something, I'm not exactly sure what. But we've talked casually, many times, about me going to Cali for a visit, or him coming here. He wanted to come for Jazz Fest, but had just started his job at UCLA so he couldn't take the time off, but he swears he'll be here for it next year. Part of me thinks I'm wasting my time with him, because he lives in fucking California, and what's the point? But another part of me feels like we're so compatible, that it would be stupid to write him off. I mean we actually talk on the phone and facetime each other now and then. We can talk about anything! And he's smart, and funny, and for me it's not all just about looks with him. I mean I am definitely attracted to him, but a lot of that attraction is not physical. And for me that's rare, because I'm kind of shallow. Lol. I mean looks aren't everything to me, but if I'm not physically attracted to someone, I just can't feel chemistry with them, ya know?
I don't see the harm in taking a trip out there, because there are other things I wanna do, and people I wanna see in California besides him, but I'm just worried that I'll get out there and like...fall for him, and then.... Then what?! I don't know! He doesn't seem like he's ready to make a commitment. But I don't know we haven't really talked about it. I don't mean we haven't talked about "Us", I mean we just haven't talked about whether he's in a place to commit to anyone. And I don't think he is. I could be wrong, but he is a couple years my junior. But even if he was like, "Let's try the long distance thing", I don't know if I want that. ((Sigh))
But he has definitely expressed interest, and attraction, and we sort of hashed out everything that happened with us before. I mean he kinda just stopped talking to me, and I was confused and upset, but we hadn't been serious enough for me to be heartbroken about it, so I just got over it. He said he had already made up his mind to leave for grad school (he ended up at NYU), so he already kind of had one foot out the door, which is why he didn't wanna form any attachments. Makes sense. He's a very logical person, not the type to let his emotions rule him. Unlike me... But I think I've gotten better about that. Maybe not. I just analyze everything.
Well this is what I know: I like him. I like him a lot. And I think that I could like him a lot more, but I'm maintaining arms length because of the distance, and because I'm not sure if he really feels enough about me to pursue something, or if this is just a casual phone flirting thing to him. I think he's interesting, funny, intellectual, and good looking. We used to have a lot of fun together. I think we still can. And I think our personalities mesh well, because I can ask him almost anything, talk to him about almost anything, and there's no awkwardness. So that eliminates a lot of guesswork. Who knows if that would carry over into a relationship though. It definitely wasn't like that when we were dating (or whatever you wanna call it) before.
Well. That's it. I just don't know what to do about him in general. I really wanna ask him how he actually feels/could feel, but I don't wanna freak him out. Maybe I'll just ask him anyway, and preface it with, "Don't freak out but..." lol.
Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions?? Anybody? Beuhler?

Misadventures in Tinder Dating

I've been on the fence about whether to blog about this or not, because part of me thinks it's been done before, and the other part of me is lazy. Lol. But what the hey.
So in light of my current situation, I thought it couldn't hurt to give Tinder another shot. I mean I'm not really meeting anyone, and I'm not getting any younger. So I thought I'd give it a try. I made sure to mention in my profile that I wanna go on dates, not chat online with strangers. So I made a few matches, and finally a guy asked me out.
His photos were a little iffy...like he could be really attractive, or not attractive at all, ya know? But I took a chance and swiped right, and he asked me out. He wanted to do dinner, but I suggested drinks, because it's more casual. So he picked the place and I went to meet him. Don't worry, I took a screen shot of his pic, and sent it to Bethany telling her where I was headed. In case I turned up dead the next day. Lol.
I got there first, and he was running a bit late, so I ordered a beer and grabbed a stool at the bar. About 10 minutes later, he arrived. I could tell immediately that he wasn't my type. A little too...rough around the edges for me, and not in a good way. I mean, he was really nice, just...I hate to say it, but I was definitely out of his league. Lol. But I figured I'm already here, I might as well just enjoy myself, and treat this like 2 friends hanging out instead of a romantic date. So I did. He was a bit awkward, and not much of a conversationalist, so I did most of the talking and asked him questions to keep the conversation going. He told me he was an electrician, and he recently moved here from Detroit.
Shortly into our "Get to know yous" he says, "You seem really cool and chill and I wanna be honest with you about something."
ALERT!! ALERT!! That's what my brain was saying anyway. I said, "Ok..."
"Um....Well I sorta been to prison before."
"Ok...." ALERT!! ALERT!! "Can I ask why?"
"Yea, it was just drugs. And assault. I mean this guy bought some shit from me and then he didn't wanna pay me so I kicked his ass. And then he ratted on me to the cops so he wouldn't have to pay me, and I went to prison."

Well that went south quickly.

So, felony drug and assault charges. Lovely.
The rest of the date is irrelevant. After being informed that I was indeed on a date with an ex-con, I figured, How much worse can it get? So I let him buy me a couple drinks and when I thought it wouldn't be impolite to take my leave, I let him walk to me to my car (despite my protestations). He was quite tipsy by this point and kept asking when he was going to see me again, and he even tried to kiss me! UGH. I turned away and quickly closed the door to my car. He walked back to the bar. Alone.
He texted me the next morning, and I figured it wouldn't be very nice to prolong his misery, so I just said, "Look, you seem like a nice guy, but chemistry is really important to me, and I just wasn't feelin' it. But good luck!"
I also wasn't feeling his smoker's teeth, or his prison tats, but that's neither here nor there. He took the well though I think. At least, he didn't act crazy. He just said he appreciated my honesty.

Now after a date with an ex-con, do you think I continued to use Tinder?? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. I'll tell you all about my next date in my next post.

My Drunk Date

Well I guess I was gonna have to write about this sooner or later, so I'd rather do it now. My date last night started off great. He ordered and Uber car, and asked me if I would like him to pick me up, which was very nice of him and unexpected. So I said sure, why not. It was pretty easy to talk to him, although there were a couple of awkward silences. But the biggest problem is that I think he may be a raging alcoholic. I had two drinks. TWO. DRINKS. He had eight beers and a snifter a Grand Marnier. He was on his third beer when I was only halfway done with my first drink. I asked him if he normally drinks so fast, or if he was just nervous or something. I can't remember what he said. But the drunker he got, the louder, more attention-seeking and weird he got. Seriously, he kept randomly standing up and singing and dancing, and then loudly apologizing to all the people around us who were starting (rightfully so). The third or fourth time he went to the bathroom, he came back with two rolls of toilet paper down his shirt. WTF!? Of course this caught the attention of even more people. Also, he kept asking me to take pictures of him doing all these weird things! And then he wanted me to send him the pictures. ((rolling my eyes))
Then some random girl came over and asked if she could take our picture! When I asked her why she said she just wanted a picture of us because it was our first date, and she though that was "nice". Then she hugged me and whispered that she hopes I don't go out with him again, because I seem really nice, and I'm too pretty for him, and he's a crazy, drunk loser. Ugh... Then he started getting all googly-eyed at me, and I'd be trying to have a conversation with him and he'd interject with, "God you're so beautiful. Why are you so beautiful. You have no idea how much I just wanna make out with you right now."
UGH.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. So after two and a half hours of watching him getting progressively more wasted, I said I was tired and ready to go home. He left the waitress less than 10%, even though he told me he used to bartend. I slipped her another $10 as we were leaving. Good thing I checked to make sure he took care of her! Then he insisted we split a cab, and he wouldn't let me pay, which again, was nice, but at that point, no amount of chivalry could have made up for the rest of the night. He sent me two more text messages that night, probably while he was still in the cab.

1) "You got me!"
2) "Why are you so attractive?"

I didn't respond, for obvious reasons. Then at 8 o'clock this morning he sent me this: "Fuck...I'm sorry. No excuses, I'm just a douchebag :/ "

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!! Is this really what dating is like now?! SERIOUSLY!?!?! I'm not sure I want any part of this. John texted me this morning too, to tell me his plans to come here have to be "postponed" because he got another work assignment that starts on the 18th. ((Sigh)) What a waste of a bikini wax.

I'm Back! For Real This Time...

I just decided that I am going to recommit to this blog. I'm going to try to post AT LEAST once a week, even if nothing is going on, so that I can get my readership back up. I like knowing that there are people out there listening to what I have to say, even if I can't really communicate with them directly. It's also really nice to have subjective opinions on things. And I think I might actually have some things to talk about. So I'm just gonna dive in!

Well, I graduated from art school. Yay!! I'm seriously so glad it's over. My last semester was terribly stressful. Ugh. And I've even booked a couple weddings this summer! One in Florida, and one in Mexico - how cool is that?? Anyway, I'm now in, what I believe to be, my last few months living in Chicago. I'm just working, and I'm taking piano lessons again. And I'm trying to get back into the dating game. You guys, it's been over a year since I've slept with anyone. I've practically been revirginized. Lol. But that's not really what I'm after, I just wanna have somebody to do things with! Sex would be a perk, obviously, but I've gone so long without it at this point I may as well just continue being celibate for the sake of my dating sanity.

So, you've all heard of Tinder by now, I'm assuming? Well even though I am very anti online dating, I saw my coworker, Ananda, using the app at work the other day, and I was looking over her shoulder, and we were both just kinda, "Oh, he's cute!" and "NOPE!" and it was funny and entertaining, so I decided to give it a shot. Well after about a month, and several matches, I never attempted to talk to anyone. That would just make it too...online datingish. And I'm against that. So I was like no, I'm just looking. But then this guy that I "liked" messaged me out of the blue, and I can't remember what he said exactly, but it was something that sparked my attention, and we got to talking. His name is Richard. And it turns out that Richard and I have a lot in common. He loves photography, he reads, he's even read Harry Potter! And, speaking of Harry Potter, he's from the UK, which means he has a sexy accent. Lol. And he's smart, and funny, and has a steady job. He's a biology teacher. All the things I'm looking for in a guy. But I'm not gonna lie, the whole I'mBritishandI'veReadHarryPotter thing really sealed the deal for me as far as he is concerned. Lol.
So for about a week we chatted on the app, and I was starting to get impatient, wondering if he was ever just going to ask me out! THAT is exactly the reason I don't like online dating. Because you invest all this time messaging each other back and forth, and you talk, and it's like you're getting to know each other, but your'e really not. And you're using up all the good first date conversations. And then when you finally do meet the person, if you don't like them, it's harder to cut ties, because you've already spent all this time chatting with them online! What it all boils down to, for me, is chemistry. I know right off the bat if I have chemistry with someone, but I can only determine that if I actually meet the guy in person! So I hate spending a lot of time chatting on the internet. It just feels like a waste to me. But then finally, on Superbowl Sunday, Richard asked for my phone number. I was out watching the game at a bar with Abbie and her girlfriend, Helen, when he finally asked what my week was looking like. So I told him I was free on Monday and Wednesday, but that Wednesday worked best for me. And he said something like, "Great, that works for me."
Monday we didn't talk all day, Tuesday I didn't hear from him either, and I was starting to wonder if I was going to, when I just said fuck it, and texted him. All I said was, "Hi!" And he said, "Hey! How was your day?" and we small talked for a minute and then I asked him if we were still on for tomorrow. He said, "Yea, I'm looking forward to it."
I suggested 8 o'clock because I had a piano lesson, but he said that was kinda late for him because he has work to do when he gets home from work. (Grading papers??) And he said maybe we could do it another day. But I told him I could manage 7 if that wasn't too late, and he said that should work. So we picked a place and that was that.
Well I had to get up extra early today to get ready, because I had errands to run, and then my 2 hour piano lesson (I have a performance Sunday) and then straight on to the date! So I had to plan ahead cuz I knew I wasn't going to have time to get ready after all that. So I painted my nails, curled my hair, picked out a nice, but casual, outfit and I was almost out the door when he texted me. He can't make it. He has a work meeting, and then still more work to do, so he doesn't have time, but can we reschedule?
I was so pissed right off the bat that I didn't text him back right away. I mean, I went to all that trouble for nothing! WTF?! Ugh. So I didn't text him back for like a half hour, then I just said, "Awe man, that sucks!"
Well after my piano lesson, I saw that he had responded saying he's sorry and he'd rather meet on a day when he's not so busy and he can relax. Whatever that means... So I asked him what days work best for him. Well, like FIVE HOURS later he finally replies with his schedule or whatever, and I texted him back shortly with mine. And then I think he went to sleep or something cuz I never heard back from him. Everything about it just makes me so frustrated and discouraged. Now I remember why I hate dating. Online dating specifically. But I'm not ready to give up on Richard yet, because...I like him. I think. We'll see. I hope he doesn't smoke or something.

Well, that's my Tinder story. So does anybody remember John? He's this guy I used to work with at the bar in Houston, and we've made out a few times. We never hooked up, but we've always had this incredible chemistry. So now he works for this huge international company doing like...geological engineering or some shit like that. He gets to travel all over the world, so I pretty much never know where he is. But we've kept in touch since I moved. He's one of the few people from the old bar that I kept in touch with actually. With the exception of my best friends, of course. It's weird though, we have these really long text message conversations while he's all over the world, doing science. Lol. That's what I call his work, because when he tried to explain it to me, it just sounded like a bunch of weird mumbo jumbo engineering jargon. Anyway, recently he featured in two of my dreams. Like two in one week, it was crazy. So I texted him to tell him about it. I was lost in some jungle and he basically saved me. Haha. He was in the marines in real life, so that's a believable story. But he said the dream made him really happy. :) He's so sweet. So I've been talking to him all night, since getting bailed on by my date, and it has definitely put me in better spirits. I wish we could have these awesome conversations in person instead of via text messaging. I often wonder if we'd even be having these conversations at all if I had slept with him way back when. Maybe there is something to this whole sexual abstinence thing... Ha!

Brazil is Back

Over the last couple of months, Brazil and I have chatted here and there, our conversations always initiated by him. But his texts have become more and more frequent as of late, and yesterday he finally said, "I wanna take you out on a date."
My reaction was basically this: Why? You never even took me on an actual date when we were actually "dating". And secondly, I feel like his two attempts to kiss me over the summer were merely out of convenience, because even though he still might feel something there between us, he hasn't actually tried pursuing me (until now I guess) and I don't want to date someone who is only mildly interested in me, I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. And that is exactly what I told him.

He said he knows he messed up before and he still has feelings for me and wants to try again, "the right way", taking things slowly. And he said he would like to take me out on a date this week. I told him I would think about it.

And here's my major dysfunction. On the one hand, I've had a lot of time to reflect back on our relationship (if you can even call it that), and aside from the fact that he screwed me over and then lied about it, there are so many reasons why I know he and I would never work out. He has a lot of growing up to do, and I don't think we are on the same level mentally or emotionally. He's somewhat arrogant, and that drives me crazy, and he's stubborn and closed-minded about a lot of things. And as far as guys go in general, I just don't feel like I'm missing out on anything really. I mean yea, sure, I get lonely from time to time, but I don't feel like I need a guy in my life right now. That's not to say that if somebody awesome came along I would just dismiss him but, you know. And as for the superficial things, I'm not really attracted to him in that way anymore, he's too short for me, and I am just very busy. So those are all the reasons why I should say no to going out with him.

But on the other hand, I honestly can't say when was the last time I went on an actual date! And if he really does just want to take it slow, then what's the harm in going out with him, just once for starters, and hanging out, talking, no pressure? And then of course there's the fact that we had really great sex once upon a time. But I'm far enough removed from that situation to where A) Although I know the sex was great, I don't remember it like it was me. I don't miss it; it's like it was like another version of myself sleeping with him, and even though my brain knows the sex was great, I don't get all hot and bothered thinking about it anymore because I don't really feel the connection physically or emotionally anymore and B) I'm not sure I want to put myself in a situation where if I end up sleeping with him, I'll feel like I can't stop seeing him because the sex is too good. ((Sigh))

It is really nice to be pursued in such a direct way though. It's flattering, and I like having all the power in the situation. But I don't want to do anything for the wrong reasons, and if he texts me again, I don't want him to think that answering a simple yes or no question requires me to consult a jury. By tomorrow the week will already be half over. So what do I do? Do I go out with him? Or do I avoid the situation entirely?

A Green Thumb: The Trick to Having a Successful Relationship

I've always been horrible with plants. I can't tell you how many times I've brought home a potted plant, or an orchid or something, and tried my best to care for it. But I always seem to fail miserably. Initially it seems I tend to over water them. In my excitement, I give the plant too much attention, and it drowns in my affections. So then I leave it alone a bit, once I notice the leaves all start falling off. But after a while, it dries up completely, from neglect.

This is a perfect analogy for my relationships. I'm horrible with plants, I'm horrible with relationships. I just can't seem to find a balance! But when I look back, I'm always too this, or not enough of that. Too clingy, too flighty, too eager, or too aloof. What is the trick?

BJ and I have been having a steady text message conversation over the last 2 days. We also had about a 2 hour phone conversation yesterday evening, while he was driving from Austin to Houston. The great thing about it is, no matter what happens when he gets here, we're friends. So we can talk easily, and laugh, and have intellectual conversations and debates, or just talk about what we did that day. It's completely no pressure, no awkwardness, and it's divine. The problem is, if we end up dating again, the tendency is going to be to rush things because we already know each other, and hell, we've already slept together. Even though it's been almost 5 years, it's not as if we're getting to know each other for the first time. We already know we get along, we're attracted to one another, and we have chemistry. What we don't know, is if what we have has staying power, or if it's meant to be. Of course, no one really knows that going into things, but we also have our friendship to consider. Granted, our friendship over the last 5 years has been pretty minimalistic, so maybe it wouldn't make all that much of a difference if we ended up going our separate ways.
But for me, I know the transition from being single to being in a relationship, when that time comes, is not going to be easy. Which is why it has to be gradual, not sudden. I've been single now for so long, that I can't really remember what it's like being in a relationship, and judging from my past experiences, I've never been that good at it to begin with. Herein lies my problem. My lack of a Green Thumb.

Of course, all of this could be moot. He could get here next month and we find we really hate each other, or that the chemistry no longer sparks. I almost hope that that's the case. It's scary knowing I'm looking forward to someone texting me back, or calling. It's been so long since I've had that feeling, and it generally never leads to anything good.

Is This A Bad Idea?

Well...I went and did something I never thought I would do.
I joined an online dating website.
So far so good I guess. I mean I just joined Sunday night and I've gotten a lot of responses so far. But there sure a lot of "absolutely not interested"s to sort through. I guess I shouldn't complain though. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.

As far as everything else, I've been realllllllly busy with just...fucking everything. I'm moving in like 2 1/2 weeks and I've barely begun to pack. Not to mention I gotta get movers and everything else. UGH! I hate moving. It'll be worth it though. I just wish I could fast forward to May already! I've been really stressed, and not getting enough sleep too, which has made blogging hard. So bear with me over the next couple weeks if I don't write much. I'm not going to disappear again, don't worry!

A Second First Date

So I just got back from a date with Bill. We went out for sushi, and he showed up with a bottle of wine, which we finished, of course. We had a lot of fun! I spent most of the night laughing, which is exactly what I needed today. After dinner, we went back to his place, against my better judgement, but, nothing happened! We just made out, and even that was pretty tame. We watched an episode of Man Men and talked, and goofed off. He said he wants to see me again, like soon.
I'm still curious why I never really heard from him after our actual first date though. And I wanna ask him but...I'm not sure if I should? It's just that we were talking about that movie, 500 Days of Summer, and he was saying how he hates girls like summer, who like you one day and then just disappear the next day, and I was thinking, "Well...isn't that exactly what you did to me last September??" But I didn't say what I was thinking, because maybe he thinks I'm the one that did that to him! I just don't know. What I do know is, he's very...affectionate, and I'm not really like that right off the bat, so it's a little awkward and I feel like I really need to spend more time with him getting to know him, and getting comfortable with him, etc. Of course this all depends on if I actually hear from him again this time! So we'll see...

Anyway, Sophie and I went to the lake this morning to fish for my camera. We put on swim suits and everything. And Sophie actually went in! I couldn't believe it. I tried to go in, but the water was painfully cold! I'm talking like...20 degrees or something ridiculous like that. But we could see the leg of my tripod in the water, right where it had fallen, and it was so close, yet just out of reach. So Sophie walked down the pier and asked some guys who were fishing if they could possibly fish it out. So this guy came down with a net and he was able to grab it, which is awesome. I was able to salvage the photos I took yesterday, but I'm still way behind on my project and now I have no camera to shoot with. ((Sigh)) But Sophie started this website where people can donate money for my new camera fund! She's so awesome. I already have $410 raised! Isn't that amazing?? If any of you readers want to donate, let me know, and I'll send you the link!! So things are already looking up compared to yesterday. Both of my parents promised to help me pay for a new camera, and when I finally talked to my mom, she made me feel loads better, only the way moms can do. Well I'm gonna finally go to bed now. I had to get up after only like 4 and a half hour of sleep last night to go to the lake with Sophie and I'm exhausted. Night!

I Think I'm In Trouble...

You know what really sucks about dating?
That moment when you first realize how much you actually care about someone. When you realize that you need them. It's like losing a sense of independence. It's remembering that only a couple of months ago, you never had to rely on anyone but yourself. It's like having to use crutches when you used to be able to stand up on your own. And it's really fucking scary. Because if you lose those crutches, you have to learn to walk on your own all over again.