Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)

I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.

7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.

Keeping Busy

Not a whole lot has been going on recently. Well, actually, I've been quite busy. Carrie was here the weekend before last, and she and Lauren and I went out like every night, then Taylor (Sophie's ex-husband, Brent's brother) and his newish girlfriend Cassie came into town this past weekend, so I hung out with them on Friday. Saturday, Lauren and I went to a fancy society party that I scored an invite to through work. We were like the youngest people there and didn't know anyone, but we got to dress up, eat free food and drink free booze though, so that was cool. And afterwards, we changed clothes in her truck like college kids and hit a couple bars. Lol. It was a good time.
Next month I have 3 people I wanna see all coming in town at the same time. So that's gonna be pretty crazy... Sophie is coming for a PhD interview, a friend I met in Chicago, who now lives in NYC, named Grant, who I don't think I've ever mentioned, but he's super cool, and my old friend Shane, who I met through Izzie that lives in Austin. I haven't seen her in forever. Both Grant and Shane are gonna be here for work though, so I'm sure I'll get to see everybody. I'm really excited abou Sophie coming. It seems like I've been seeing so much of her recently! And before I know it, she'll be living back in the states. She applies for programs at Michigan University, NYU and Tulane. NYU is her first choice, but obviously I want her to go to Tulane. It would work out perfectly, because my current roommates lease is up at the end of August, and then she's moving in with her boyfriend, so Sophie can move in with me! Living with Jenn has been great, but what's better than living with your sister?? So I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Did I mention I am fostering a miniature poodle and her six puppies? Jesus, they keep me busy. They're super cute though. Carrie adopted one of them when she was here the other week, but they won't be ready to take home for a couple more weeks.
So Lane and I are talking again. I finally texted him, and things are back to...well not normal, because what even is that with us? But things are on a purely platonic level now. We don't FaceTime anymore of course, and we only text like one or 2 messages at a time, no more conversations that last for days. Just if something comes up that makes me think of him, and vice versa. But I'm ok with that. I'm pretty much over it. It's still a little bit disappointing how everything turned out but you know what they say, out of sight out of mind.
In other news, since I moved here I've had a weekly assignment where I drive all over the city taking photos of houses for the real estate section of the paper. It's really tedious and takes forever and I have to drive really far, but it basically served as like a base pay that I could count on since, being a freelancer, sometimes pay periods can get thin.
Well that was taken away from me and given to some part time guy, who was apparently promised a certain number of hours and wasn't getting them. My boss fought hard for me about it, but apparently there was nothing he could do, because that person isn't someone he manages. ((Sigh)) He was really upset about it when he called to tell me, and he said it's nothing I did wrong, and that in fact, I've done the best job of anyone on them, and that I've been improving the last year in all my work, and he feels shitty about it because instead of being rewarded for my hard work, they're taking money away from me. Ugh. At first, I wasn't really that upset. I mean yea it sucks that I won't be getting that money anymore, but I hate doing the houses. It was boring and I was putting tons of miles on my car doing it. But now I basically have to get a second job to make up that income, and I don't really know what I'm gonna do. I love the flexibility of my job! I love that I can have like an entire day to lay around and then go to work from 7-10 pm and be done for the day sometimes! And I definitely do not want to work somewhere 9-5 or anything like that, because it would limit the number of photo assignments I could take. I spent a good hour last night trolling Craigslist, but mostly it's all restaurant type jobs and I just CANNOT go back to bartending. The week of Mardi Gras, as a favor to one of Bethany's friends, I bartended a private party. It was 2 hours of set up/clean up and like 4 hours of party, and I was EXHAUSTED by the end. My feet and back were killing me. I have no idea how I used to work 10 hour bar shifts when I was living in Chicago. I just can't do that anymore. Plus, I was easily irritated by people the whole time, and I just...can't do it anymore. Sure a private party now and then, fine. But every week? NO WAY.
I did book a wedding for this June, and mermaid season is coming up, so hopefully that will be a nice supplemental income, but it's not dependable enough. What to do, what to do...
Maybe that guy will hate doing the house pictures and not want them anymore.
On a lighter note, I lost 12 pounds, and I'm feeling sexier than ever!
G's this post has been all over the place. Well I'm gonna go get caught up on House of Cards before the new season in a couple weeks. There's a really bad storm coming in and most of the schools and govt buildings here are closed, so I doubt I'll be going anywhere. TaTa!

WANTED: SINGLE LOCAL DUDE

Well I guess I may have spoken too soon about the Englishman. He sent me a facebook message today, and we ended up chatting for an hour or 2. It was a great conversation, but a little too redolent of the early days of Lane and I reconnecting. ((Sigh)) It's like...do I really wanna do all this again? I mean Jamie is great, and sexy, and British, and we have a lot in common...except for the fucking continent we live on. And that's way worse than here to California. Plus, there's his whole divorce thing. I suggested we chat using iMessage and he basically said he didn't want to do that in case someone else saw there was a girl texting him, because it could be used against him in divorce proceedings. ((Sigh)) So weird...
So I dunno. I'm still not totally over Lane. I'm doing much better, but all this has got me thinking about him again. It's just really frustrating because I feel like I went so many years without meeting anybody worth dating, and now I've met 2 great guys, and I can't date either of them because they don't fucking live here! What the deuce!? When am I gonna catch a break?!
Kevin called me today. He acted all cool and casual at first, and then he was like, "So what do you got goin on tonight?" And I basically told him nothing, and then he was like, "You wanna get together and make out later?"And I was like, "Uhhhhhh...." I mean literally, I was kind of speechless. How do you answer something like that when the answer in your mind is clearly, obviously, "NO"? I just answered his question with a question, and avoided giving him a straight answer until I was able to get off the phone. Most awkward conversation EVER. I told Jamie about it when we were talking and we both had a good laughed. But still...weird.
Anyway, Carrie is in town for the weekend. She's staying at Lauren's, but we're all gonna go out tomorrow night. So maybe we'll meet some cute single LOCALS! Who knows, but I'm sure it'll be fun either way.

PUPPIES!!

So even though I haven't been texting Lane, he's still been texting me, I just haven't been responding. So finally, the other night, just as I was getting into bed after a really long, stressful day, he sent me this message...

Then of course, I couldn't sleep cuz I was just laying there, thinking about him. I sort of ruminated on it for a couple days, and then finally I had so many thoughts, I decided I'd just send him an email and get it all out. So I jotted down a buncha stuff late one night and then went to sleep. Another day or so later, I took all those thoughts I had jotted down and structured them so they made sense, and I sent Lane the email. Here it is...

Ok, so DISCLAIMER!!! I’m gonna be really, really blunt and honest. Probably too much so, but at this point, I feel like it can’t get any worse, so I might as well for ONCE IN MY LIFE say exactly what I’m actually thinking to a guy. 

To further explain why I sorta ghosted you over the last couple weeks…

I’m disappointed about the last conversation we had, for a few reasons. The obvious being that I didn’t get what I wanted out of it, another reason being I don’t think I was SURE exactly what I wanted at the time, so I probably wasn’t very clear, and finally, because all those things I was trying not to think about, and yet still daring to hope for, like the long distance thing, you basically told me that you’d be willing to do those things, just not with me. Ouch. At that point in the conversation, I was basically like “well fuck it, I’ll just tank this right now”, which led to me getting drunk and saying all that shit I said. I did it subconsciously on purpose, because I figured…I dunno. If I never speak to you again, it might as well be my fucking fault.

The thing is, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. I didn’t WANT this happen. The feelings. I’ve had weekend flings with out of towners before and it was fun and light. And then they left and we both got on with our lives. No big deal.  And it’s obvious to me now, that that is all you wanted, and that’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to go beyond that myself. I just wasn’t prepared for what DID happen. 

So last time we talked, when I told you how I felt, you said you like me too, BUT… Everything always has a “but” attached to it. I expected you to say that, pretty much. The distance is too far for a relationship, it’s unrealistic, yada yada… What I didn’t expect was for you to say that yea, you’d do a long distance thing if it was worth it, but you just don’t have the time/inclination/desire to try that with me. As much as that stung, I can’t blame you, because I’ve been where you are now. 

It’s just that all that stuff about me wanting you to ask me to move to LA so I could say no…? I still don’t understand that. Is that some sort of game people play? Because if I thought someone was gonna ask me to do something for them that I had no desire or intention of doing, I would NOT want them to ask me. I would either make it known to that person in some way that I wasn't into it so that they wouldn't ask, or I would avoid the topic all together. I wouldn’t WANT them to ask. That makes no fucking sense to me. But the craziest part is, if you really WERE to ask me to move to LA, I don’t think I WOULD say no. I mean I wouldn’t say OMG YES! and just hop on the next plane, but I would consider it. So, there it is. I’m just a pathetic dummy for thinking or considering ANY of these things because it’s obviously so completely fantastical. 

You are clearly in a different place than I am right now. Your priorities are all about you. And the more time I spent thinking about that, the more I realized how foolish I was being, and the more I realized that our relationship is a bit one-sided. We talk about you, your career, your dreams, etc, most of the time. And when we talk about me, it’s always in relation to you or your situation. I am a very supportive loyal person by nature (if I’m friends with you) so it’s my inclination to want to help and encourage people. But what I DON’T want to be is used or taken for granted. I don’t want to just be that person you call when you’re feeling lost or shitty about your life, or need advice, like some sort of emotional cheerleader, or when you're drunk or just horny, while I’m having all these feelings that I keep to myself because I’m worried that A) you don’t reciprocate them and B) if I talk about them, it’ll scare you off or whatever. 

I basically just decided that right now, I need to not talk to you, because I need to not think about you. Because thinking about you makes me frustrated and sad. Even though our time together when you were here was very brief, it still felt like a loss when you left, because going back to my life the way it was before, suddenly felt like this giant gaping suckfest. I just need some time to get over it. And I will. And then we can go back to being friends.

I hope you enjoyed this short story. Feel free to respond. Or not.

That was last night. And he responded within the hour with this...

This is great! I'm really glad you wrote this out. I hear you, sincerely, and I get it.

My intention wasn't to imply I would do it for anyone else. I did it once, back in the day. It was a surprising amount of drama that I don't want to revisit. I failed to communicate to you what I want and don't think I really understood what you want. I don't think I realized the gravity of the conversation we were having.

So I wholeheartedly respect your desire not to talk for a while. I liked what we had, though it sounds like it may have been selfish and toxic to continue, so should you want to revisit bantering and whatnot, I'll be here. And if not, it was a really fun weekend and I'll remember it fondly.

Before I make this worse, as is my tendency, I just want you to know that if you ever want to call me (not text) about this or anything else personal or vulnerable, don't be afraid to do so.

You're great. As cynical as I can be, I really do believe that everything works out.

Lane

Soooo that's that! It's done. Izzie says she hates him for breaking my heart, and Sophie says he seems very detached. Either way, it's not happening. And I feel less...just less. I feel less about it. 

Now for the GOOD NEWS!! I am fostering a litter of puppies and their mama for a few weeks until the puppies are old enough to leave their mama and they can all be adopted! There are 6 puppies, and mama is a mini poodle. The puppies are obviously mixed with a larger breed though. They all look so different! They're 5 weeks right now, and can't be adopted till they're 8 weeks. I've been so blissed out with them, despite how much work it is. I've got one in my lap right now. He just woke up from napping on my chest. :) Sooo, in short, puppies make everything better! :)

I Tanked It

I'll pick up where I left off the Lane conversation. It's very long, so that's why I'm pasting it, and it's a little bit tedious in some areas, so I apologize.

So at this point, we stopped talking for a while, because I was really pissed. I mean, he just brought up some chick he's told me about before, who he very briefly dated, not even in a committed relationship, and she ended things because she took a job in Australia, and apparently he's disappointed he wasn't given the option to continue the relationship. WTF?! Like, I'm sitting here pouring my heart out, and he says he likes me, and he's not against long distance relationships, he just doesn't want that with me. Ouch. So I start to get mad, and I know I should just leave it be, and not say anything else, but I just couldn't. I'm not going to paste what I said, because it's a bit embarrassing, but I'll give you the gist. 

I asked him if he noticed any parallels between that situation and this one, and why the fuck he would even bring that up in this conversation. And he basically was like, "If you're saying you want me to ask you to move to LA so that you can say no, I'm not gonna do that."

Again, WTF?!?! Which is what I said, exactly. Like WHY would I want him to even ask me to move there if I was just gonna say no?! And he was like, "Uh duh, I wouldn't." ((Sigh))

Then it all just kinda hit me. As many boxes as he checks for me on paper, he's immature, and very self-involved right now. And that's...ok. It is, because he's 26, and basically in the same spot I was in at his age, but clearly, he is not what I'm looking for right now. He could be, in a few years, who knows? But he's been using me as his...emotional cheerleader, every time he feels shitty about himself, or lost and confused in his life, and I've been letting him, and forming this false sense of...intimacy because of that. But really, we never talk about me. Everything is always about him. And that's not ok. It's not ok in a romantic relationship, and it's not ok in a friendship. And that's why I think I did what I did. I think I tanked it on purpose. Because at least now I know it's done, and it's not going to happen, not even in my WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS, and the only person I have to blame for that, basically, is myself. And I can live with that. 

So I'm quitting him, cold turkey. It's not going to be easy. He's already texted me once today, and frankly, I'm quite surprised he did after how crazy I was last night. Lol. He asked me some innocuous question about an improv troupe Sophie and I used to like. I didn't respond. And I don't plan on it. 

I'm officially moving on.

AAA: Austin, Alcohol, and Anxiety

Ughhhh I started typing this last night, and then got into a long, trainwreck of a conversation with Lane, which I will blog about next time. Gonna finish this one first.

This will probably be brief, because I really just wanna veg out and watch tv right now, but I figured I should hurry up and write this before I forget. So day number 1 in Austin was great. Kevin was a little too touchy/feely for my comfort level, but it was his birthday, so I let it slide. He just kept giving me kisses. We had a connecting flight in Houston with a little bit of a layover, so he bought us drinks lol. Then we got the puddle jumper to Austin and headed to the hotel. It was like 10am, but they let us check in early, so that was lucky. Then we grabbed an Uber and headed to South Congress, where we ended up at a really good Tex Mex place. We sat at the bar, did a couple tequila shots, drank margs and ate chips & queso and just talked. The alcohol helped, of course, cuz I was feeling more comfortable with him once I was buzzed. But the PDA thing was starting to get out of hand. So eventually I had to say something. I just sorta mentioned that PDA isn't really my thing, and he shouldn't take it personally. But apparently, my opinions on the subject didn't seem to matter, because he just kept doing it. But we also kept getting drunker, so my tolerance for his behavior was going up instead of down. We met up with my cousin, Lexi, that night. She's in her last semester at UT. And that was perfect, because we were at this bar, where Kevin had friends from NOLA, and I didn't know them, so with Lexi there, I had someone to talk to and hang with. We were out on 6th street, surprisingly, for most of the night. It was just so crazy being back there after all these years. I felt really old lol. But all in all we had a really good time. I did tell Lexi about how the PDA thing was bugging me, and it was just kind of...TOO MUCH, and was like, "Yea, I can sorta tell."
I don't remember the ride back to the hotel, but I was nervous about him trying something. As luck would have it though, he passed out immediately with all his clothes and shoes on lol. So I just got ready for bed at my leisure and went to sleep unharassed.
Friday morning was brutal. I didn't sleep well at all the night before, I kept having insane dreams that were startling me awake and then I woke up super early with a really bad anxiety attack, which happens when I drink. So I got up, took a Xanax and went back to bed. I was finally sleeping well when Kevin woke me up and said he had a couple friends who wanted to meet up for lunch, and we needed to get ready to go.
Now I am NOT a morning person, and I don't like being rushed. I like to take my time, drink my coffee and not talk to anyone. But here Kevin is being all chipper and pestering me to hurry up and get ready, and I felt absolutely awful. Anxiety in full swing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel hungover, but maybe that's just because the anxiety was taking over all my senses. While I was still asleep, I had gotten a text from Lane about a dream he had. I'll paste.

We sorta kept chatting on and off throughout the next couple days, not about anything relevant really. Just small talk.

Well we finally got out of the hotel and went to meet Kevin's friends, which were these 2 Australian guys on a 6 week trip across the US. He met them at his bar too, like the day after he met me lol. But they were pretty cool. Only thing is, when they met us at the restaurant, I just couldn't deal. When I'm having a full blown anxiety attack, all I wanna do is be alone, and curl up in a ball somewhere. I can't socialize, I can't go anywhere, I just CAN'T. I can't with anything. And that's how I was feeling. I was also really super tired. So I think those Aussies got a really bad first impression of me. And of course, Kevin kept rubbing my knee under the table, and trying to kiss me on the cheek and stuff...((Sigh)) After we ate, I convinced Kevin that I just needed a nap, and I'd meet them back up afterwards. So I went back to the hotel, and couldn't have been more relieved. I took another Xanax and got in bed. I was in and out for a couple hours. When I woke up I had texts from Izzie wanting to make plans for dinner, and I filled her in on my anxiety situation. She was sympathetic, and talked to me for a bit, so that helped. After a while, I started feeling better, and actually felt a bit bored. So I toyed with the idea of getting up and going back out to meet the guys. Then Kevin called and told me they were playing shuffleboard at this place we'd been at the night before, and he missed me and blabla. Then he says, "My friends think you don't like me that much." And I was like, "Damn those perceptive fuckers!" to myself of course, lol. What I actually said was, "Dude, I can't really explain this very well to you, but I was having bad anxiety this morning, and I've told you multiple times that I don't like PDA. And since when are you gonna let these 2 dudes dictate my feelings?" And he was like, "Ok, you're right."

Lane was texting me again, because I told him I was in Austin, and how our flight was at 7am the next morning. He suggested I just ride it out and not sleep, which is something you could conceivably do in NOLA, cuz some of the bars never close, but not in Austin. Then I ended up telling him the situation with Kevin.

Note that the drugs he's referring to is some pot Kevin got from some random guy the night before. I didn't participate in that though. Lane didn't respond after that, so I got up and ralleyed. I felt tons better by the time I got there, physically, but now I felt like I had to be extra affectionate with Kevin or those dudes were gonna say something. ((eye roll)) I wasn't though. I was just normal. Truthfully, I think he's a really nice guy, but just too much for me right now. And being on that trip with him just made me think about Lane, constantly, and reminded me that I'm not over him. As much as I tried to distract myself, I was texting him the whole weekend, and trying to force something that just wasn't meant to be with Kevin. Maybe if Kevin and I had met 2 months from now... I don't know. But it was starting to really bother me that he was completely disregarding my feelings on the subject of PDA, and we ended up getting in a bit of an argument when we got back to the hotel around 12:30 that night. We didn't stay out late cuz our flight Saturday was was so early. FML. 

So we had just gotten out of the Uber and he's grabbing my ass and saying, "Why won't you kiss me?" And I'd just had it! Finally! 

I pushed him away and I was like, "Look. I've been telling you this for the past 2 days, and you just don't seem to be listening. This is all too much. It's too much! We don't know each other! I mean I came here to have a good time, and we did, and that's great, but this is probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done. And we still don't know each other. And I'm just not comfortable being like that with you and you keep pushing it! It's just too much too soon. And whatever I say, I can't win, because you'll probably be mad."

And he was like, "No, I'm not mad. That's cool, I get it. I'm sorry." But of course, he looked upset. ((sigh)). So the elevator ride back up to the hotel was awkward, I went in the bathroom, closed the door and got ready for bed, and when I came out, he was already basically asleep. I set the alarm and went to bed. 

When I got up (at fucking 5:45am), I had a response from Lane. It seemed slightly encouraging, although he was probably drunk when he typed it, but I wrote back. Then nothing.

The flights home went by pretty quickly cuz we both slept through them. And when Kevin's roommate picked us up from the airport, I just kept thinking, Almost there. Almost there, as I fantasized about being alone and in my bed with my furbabies. Then finally I was home, and I just slept. ((Sigh)) Alone at last.

UpDATE

Well the date with Kevin tonight went well, all things considered. It was a little awkward initially because we were both so aware of the fact that we hardly know each other, and we're about to spend like 48 nonstop hours together. Oh, and cuz we were both sober lol. But he is pretty easy to talk to, and very sweet and gentlemanly. I will just be a bit relieved once we get passed this "I still don't know you stage".
That's what was so nice about Lane. I really do know him! And I didn't have to worry about it being awkward or uncomfortable when we were together. ((Sigh)) I still think about him a lot. I miss him. I miss our late night FaceTime's and our text conversations that went on for days. I miss just being able to ask him anything about anything and not feel weird about it. Now it's like the opposite of that. I feel like if I reach out to him, or try to put things back the way they were before he came here, it will make me seem desperate and lonely. I know I need to stop agonizing over this and move on, but I care about him a lot. And I can stop talking to him and try to put him out of my mind and go on trips with other guys but...he's still there, in the back of my mind, just waiting until I let my guard down to resurface. And the idea of being intimate with someone else so soon after him feels...wrong. It feels like I'm not ready. Which is true, I'm not. I don't want to rush into sex with the next person, whoever that may be.

Mission Accomplished

Well I finally talked to my roommate last night about that gross guy. I called her into my room cuz I was dying of boredom, and I just said, very casually, “Soooo what’s the deal with you and that guy that was over here on Monday?”

She said, “I don’t remember anything that happened after talking to you in the kitchen that night. I lost like 12 hours. I just woke up the next morning and I had bruises and stuff all over me. I don’t know if he slipped me something, or if I took something willingly…I just don’t remember anything.“

And I was like, "So you don't remember sleeping with him?"

And she said no, she just woke up and there he was in bed with her. She also said she went to the doctor the next morning to get checked for STD’s and get the morning after pill, which is smart. I can tell she feels embarrassed/guilty about it. And she asked me to please not mention it to her boyfriend. I told her I wouldn’t. I’m just glad there’s not an elephant in the room with us anymore. I asked her if she ever planned to talk to that guy again and she gave me a very firm NO. So that’s good. And no harm done between us.

Anyway, I’m in between assignments right now so I had a little free time, but after work I’m meeting a Tinder guy, (just as friends!) and we’re gonna go to a Harry Potter theme night at this bar. Lol. I’m really looking forward to it! Lane texted me earlier, just about nothing, some music he’s been listening to. I didn’t respond. I just can’t with him right now. Every time I get in bed at night, and close my eyes I see his face and wish that when I opened my eyes, he would be there. And when I can’t sleep (which is often these days), it’s all I can do to NOT text him. We always used to text late at night. ((Sigh))
Going out and doing things is helping though. I don’t wanna spend another year living like a hermit. Wish me luck!

Three's Company

Well, my roommate basically avoided me for a couple days, but things appear to be back to normal now. I haven't said anything to her. Initially, just because I didn't have the opportunity, and now I feel like it's passed the point of relevancy, where if I do say something, she'll think I've just been sitting on it, ya know? But this weekend, she is going away to some ranch with her boyfriend! ((Sigh)) I see all sides of this, and I equally agree and disagree with all your comments. I've gotten lots of advice from different people, and no one has said the same thing.
On the one hand, it is my house, and I'm not ok with stuff like that going on around here, and I do think it's worth mentioning that I know what she did and she should take responsibility for it. And it's going to be really awkward the next time her boyfriend comes over for the weekend! And I do believe, in the words of Janis Ian, "There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it." Well obviously it's too late for me to stop it, but maybe it is worth it to let her know my feelings on the subject.
On the other hand, it isn't my business and I don't want to get in the middle of it. I don't expect her boyfriend to come out and ask me if she's been cheating, I doubt he has any inkling of that. But it will be hard for me to look him in the eye, that's for sure. But since she is my roommate, and things are going so well with us cohabitating, I don't wanna screw that up. She's moving out at the end of August, so I still have quite a bit of time to live with her and I don't want that time to be miserable. I'll keep you all posted. If there is an opportunity to talk to her about it, I'll take it. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay out of it.
As far as things with Lane, I'm feeling better about the situation already. I haven't been texting him, and he hasn't really been texting me, so out of sight, out of mind. I do still get sad about it sometimes, but...I do think it is for the best. There has to be someone out there who lives closer to me and is looking for a relationship. Right? RIGHT???

Goodbye California

I had a talk with one of my guy friends last night about Lane. I explained everything to him, showed him our texts, and he said I should move on. Clearly he likes me, but he was just here to have a nice weekend, and he most likely knows how I feel (my friend says guys DO pick up on things like that, I'm not so sure though...), but he's choosing to ignore it, either because he's not interested in a relationship, or because he doesn't think a relationship is plausible, or both.
As tough as that was to hear, I think he's right. The distance I've been feeling between us lately...it just adds up. ((Sigh)) It sucks, and I'm sad and disappointed, but maybe it's for the best. I don't want to move to California! I love it here. And who knows, maybe when he turns 30, things will turn around. He may come out of the woodwork again in a few years. Assuming I'm still available. Ha! I probably will be, considering my track record.
I do want to maintain the friendship, I mean I really love him as a person! But I'm going to call it quits with the texting for a while. I just need time to get over it. I'm trying really hard to stay positive, and I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and meet people. I don't wanna be lonely and depressed all the time. It sucks. But what a lot of people don't understand is, depression and anxiety are illnesses. They affect the body in PHYSICAL ways as well as emotional. You can't compare it to "that one time you were really sad/anxious about ____". It never really goes away. It's just something I have to learn to live with and manage. And I'm still trying to figure that out. But these kinds of situations are really difficult for me. I know it's hard for anyone to put themself out there, or have their heart broken, but anytime I start to have feelings for someone, my immediate gut reaction is fear. Fear of the downward spiral that will follow when that person disappoints me. God...I think about Brandon and how long it took me to get over him, and at the time, I was undiagnosed. I had no idea why I was having such a hard time! I mean, I was in love with him, sure, so that made it harder. But I just wonder how I might have handled that differently if I had known what I was really dealing with.
Anyway, sorry if I'm seem really whiny on the blog lately, but I have to get it out somewhere!

I just don't know...

I don't know what's going on anymore. We had a conversation the other day that left me feeling really weird... We were talking about our careers and futures, and I could tell he was having kind of a bad day. Feeling stuck in a rut because his day job is boring, and he wants to do more of what he loves, and work more towards his goals, but he needs the money/financial stability from his day job. So anyway, I could just tell he was feeling a little down, so I sent him a sexy pic. Implied nude, very classy. And this was his response, and the conversation that followed...

So obviously, not very encouraging. :/ I didn't text him again after that, but he did include me in some group email about the Golden Globes. We didn't talk for 2 days after that, until last night when he texted me. I was so shocked at first after not talking to him for 2 days that I freaked out a little lol. Then I waited a bit for responding. We had previously talked about the 16 personalities and what ours are, just for reference. Here is that convo...

That was it. I didn't text him back after that. Notice how I dropped that hint about planning trips? A perfect opportunity for him to suggest coming to California and he didn't. ((Sigh)) I just get the feeling he's trying to distance himself from me. I don't know if it's because I had sex with him and he got what he wanted and that's it, or if it's because he thinks it's the logical thing to do since we live so far apart, or if it's because he thinks I'm more into him than he is into me and he wants to discourage me. I just DON'T KNOW. I'm not feeling as depressed as I was before about it, I'm feeling a bit better, but still sad. He's just so...wonderful and smart, and funny, and he makes me feel sexy, and confident when I'm with him. Like, I don't feel insecure, or awkward, or self-conscious, or worry if he likes me. I just feel happy!

I Have a Plan

Things are starting to feel more normal for me. Partly because I'm back on my anxiety meds, which I stopped taking when Lane was here because of all the boozing we were doing, and partly because the sun is out and shining again. We had several weeks of dreary, rainy weather, and I think I suffer a bit from seasonal depression. So sunshine helps. But mainly, I think it's because things seem back to normal with Lane and I. We are talking regularly again, just like we used to. So yes, I was probably just doing what I always do and overanalyzing/overreacting.
But I've also done a lot of thinking. I started asking myself those hard questions some of you mentioned. Why am I unhappy? What do I think would make me happy? How do I go about doing the things that will make me happy?
A lot of that revolved around Lane, but a lot of it revolves around just me, obviously. I feel stuck. Like I haven't accomplished much in the last year, which is rubbish really, because I know that I have accomplished a lot photography-wise. But it isn't enough. I want to be better. I want to be more desireable to a company. And of course, I need to be more stable financially. I don't want to pull away from things due to fear. I talked with Izzie a lot about the Lane situation too, and we got way ahead of ourselves of course, but she said that's important for women to do. To think way ahead. And maybe she's right! Who knows. What I do know is that my plan is to try to go to visit Lane in March, around Spring Break cuz he should have time off from the university he works at. And if things are still going well at that point between us and we haven't lost touch, and all the chemistry and feelings are still there, then I will talk to him about dating/living in the same city. And see what he says.
I was freaking out about the idea before because initially it was like, Well I have to tell him how I feel, and see if he's into it. And then we'd have to get over the obstacle of living in different states. And that got me thinking about moving to California and how expensive it is and, What would I do there? And how would I afford to move? And where would I live? Etc. etc... And those questions were just swimming around and around in my head, and I kept checking myself like, WHY are you even worrying about this?! This is all conjecture! But then I thought, You know what, I wanna know if I can do this. I'm gonna do some research. So I did! And I can do it. I know a guy in the photo circuit there who could put me in touch with some publications, and in the meantime, there are tons of well-paying real estate photo gigs. I have plenty of experience in that. And I could always bartend until I got on my feet. There's also a couple affordable neighborhoods right outside of LA, I'd just need a roommate or 2. No big deal. The biggest obstacle, I think, would be finding a place that allows both my pets. But it's doable.
So I have a plan. Sort of. And step one of that plan is to just play it cool with Lane, not say anything to him just yet about my feelings, just...maintain the relationship, see if it grows, and plan a visit.
We've been talking the past 2 days about our respective futures, career-wise. And both of us feel kinda stuck in a rut, and we've been commiserating/offering each other advice. And we both agree that we need to step out of our comfort zones a bit, and not be afraid to make big/strange/uncomfortable life moves. And for me, that could mean going to California, who knows! I know he's mostly concerned with his career, but I know what I wanna do. That isn't the thing that's missing in my life. But at least after that conversation, maybe the idea of me moving there won't come as a huge shock to him should I suggest it.

Lovesick

I'm still waffling about what to do about Lane. So far, I haven't done anything really, but I already have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach like he's pulling away from me. He hasn't been as engaged via text as he usually is. He takes a while to respond, and doesn't really seem chatty. So I've just been playing it cool. I don't really have a point to this post, other than I can't stop thinking about him, and I don't know what else to do about it.

Reflections...

I just slept for 20.5 hours. I woke up last night for like 1 hour, wrote my last post and attempted to watch TV, but instead I just cried fell back asleep. I think I woke up and cried maybe 2 more times, and just now I got out of bed for the first time. ((Sigh)) I'm depressed. Or I'm recovering from a 3 day bender and maybe I'll snap out of it? Ugh, that's definitely wishful thinking. I know I need to talk to Lane. I have to. But maybe I just cool it for a while with him and see what happens. Or maybe I text him tomorrow and tell him he forgot something at my house and he when he asks what, I tell him he forgot me. Lol. I've already looked at plane tickets to LA for the end of this month, and I can definitely afford to buy one. Just for a weekend. But is it too soon to talk about going there for a visit? It wouldn't be the same as him coming here, because I don't know anyone else in LA. He has a cousin and a good friend who live here, so we didn't spend every waking moment together during this trip. There was time apart, which was kind of nice, cuz I could shower and get ready and sleep and whatever while he did his own thing.
Things keep coming back to me that he said. Like on NYE, we went out with a group, my friends and him and his cousin, to one of those all-inclusive things. But it ended at 1, so we went to a dive bar after that, and in the end, it was just Lane and I left. And he brought up the first time we dated, in Chicago. And he said, "You know, when we were hanging out back then, and you said I started to get weird, and we quit talking, I was just a kid then. I mean I was 22. I had just gotten out of college, and been dumped by this girl like a month before I met you. So really I was just a kid."
And it's true, and partly I knew that and partly I didn't, but why did he bring that up? I don't know. What I do know is that he's 26 now, and I'm 31. And while it doesn't feel like a huge gap, in some ways, it is, because I can't really see how a 26 year old person could have had enough experiences to know when something is really REAL. And I feel like it's real with him. I've dated a lot of douche bags, mostly for shallow reasons, and yea they were hot, but we never had much in common intellectually, or personality-wise, and of course none of them worked out in the end. And now I've been single for so long, and tried to focus on me, and what I want, and it's changed me as a person. It's changed the way I look at dating, and relationships, and even marriage.
He also said something to me about that in the same conversation. I can't remember exactly what, just that he said he's noticed how people in our age range tend to get into relationships and even if they're unhappy, or uncertain, they feel like marriage/kids/whatever is what they're SUPPOSED to do, so they do it. And he said I'm different in that way, and he likes and respects that. Ugh, I just feel like we understand each other on a level that I've never felt before. We connect. But I don't know if it's possible for him to be where I'm at. I don't know if he's ready for a serious commitment.
I'm willing to entertain the idea of pursuing this with him, despite all the odds, because I think it's worth it. I know it would be difficult, impossibly so maybe, and it could end badly, but I still think if we don't try, I would regret it. And I wish so badly I could tell him all this, but since we have basically avoided any talk of feelings whatsoever, I'm worried he might think it's all completely out of left field and be overwhelmed and run.
So do I say nothing yet, and let it all sink in for him a bit? Do I go visit him and we have another great weekend? And then maybe he starts coming round to the idea on his own?
Or do I bit the bullet and bring it up on the phone this week, and just hope he's open to the idea. Because if he's not, it's over. All of it. The thrice weekly FaceTime calls, the texting, and the amazing conversation, the feeling of having a kindred spirit that's a friendship with the possibility of more. All of it will be gone. And I will be devastated.

Happy New Year...I Hope

The past few days were a total whirlwind...of fun, of romance, of a happiness and satisfaction I had almost forgotten I could even feel. And even though I know I should feel grateful and happy about that experience, all I feel now is the most profound sense of loss and sadness because that time is over now, and he's gone. It was just so wonderful to feel a part of something that wasn't just me. To be not alone. But having experienced that after so long, has just made my sense of loneliness now even more acute. I just feel so full of all the things I wish I had done or said. And I'm worried that I may always wonder what could have been. A part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks I might be in love with him, but that's too terrifying to admit, and the fact that I don't really know how he feels about me, just makes everything all the more confusing. The truth is, that despite the odds, and the distance between us, in age and geography, I would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. At least to give it a shot. I was uncertain of that before, but now I know. I'm just so scared to tell him how I feel, because I know that in taking that plunge, I have to be prepared to hear the response I don't want. And that would break my heart. And for the sake of myself, I'd have to take a huge step back from all this. Maybe not talk to him at all, which would be nearly impossible, and also could mean would I be losing a great friendship.
I feel so stupid and naive, because I knew this would likely not end well. It's dangerous to look forward to something so much, knowing it's only fleeting. I knew that I should keep my feelings out of it, but I couldn't do that, and this is all on me. I'm such a fool.
Sophie says I should talk to him. I talked with her about it this morning, as I was crying on my way home from dropping Lane at the airport. She said, "Well, you can see a way that it would work and you obviously want that, so you should tell him. Otherwise you're just allowing yourself to be in this limbo because you're afraid of not getting what you want so you're willing to settle for whatever he's willing to give. And investing a lot into it and then feeling this way. You can speculate all you want, but you won't know anything real unless you talk to him."

I know she's right, I have to talk to him. But he's actually in the air right now, and I think I'm gonna give it a couple days. Neither of us had much sleep in the last 3 days, and there was a lot of alcohol and sex happening, which can leave anyone feeling pretty raw. Like coming down from a 3 day high. It's rough. And I don't think I'm capable of keeping my emotions in check right now, since all I've been doing is intermittently crying and sleeping all day.
I'm worried for myself about what this could possibly do to me. When did I become such a fragile person, that 3 days with one guy could transform me from a relatively stable, not necessarily happy, but...comfortable just being single person, to a total love-sick train wreck?

Convo with Lane

Please help me to decipher this. I've been agonizing over it for the last several hours, and I know my tendency to over analyze, I just need other opinions/interpretations so I can get my head right before he gets here. Also, I don't know why the middle section is smaller...sorry lol. Oh, and I'd had like a whole bottle of wine when we had this conversation. He wasn't entirely sober either. I like him. I want...I dunno. I want possibilities. I wanna hope that this can be something more, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. And I also want this to be fun! I don't wanna be stressing out over this the whole time he is here. HELP MEEEEE!!!! I'm desperate. Seriously.

It's Happening

It's really happening. Lane bought a plane ticket. He's coming here, he's staying with me, and he's going out with me and my friends for NYE. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself, but I'm also really nervous, because I feel like I'm falling for him, and I don't know that I can go the whole weekend of him being here without telling him how I feel. And I don't think he'll go for the long distance thing. ((Sigh)). I mean I'm not a fan of long distance relationships either, but there's just something about him... He's the exception. It would be worth it I think. Ughhh...the excitement plus the anticipation, plus my nerves make for a real Molotov cocktail of feelings.
Speaking of feelings, I've been trying to get my depression/anxiety issues under control. I finally went to see a doctor about my panic attacks and I was diagnosed with acute anxiety disorder and depression. Not much of a surprise I guess. Although I'm not exactly sure where the anxiety is coming from. I mean my life in general is kind of up and down, and I do have a lot of stress, but I was always able to manage it before. But it was time for me to face the fact that I was no longer managing it, and I needed help. So now I'm on medication, and it's helping, I guess. It's just a bit of an adjustment. And hopefully I'll get back on track soon.
I realized there's a lot of stuff I haven't written about on here yet, like my roommate for example. I've had 2 since moving to NOLA actually. The first one was Tom. And that was AWFUL. He was a nice guy, and cool, but a horrible roommate. The last straw was when he brought some chick home, she stayed here for 4 days, he never even introduced me to her, and then he had sex with her with his bedroom door WIDE OPEN. His room opens directly to the living room. I live in a double shotgun house, there are no hallways. And it was only like 10 o'clock!! Ughh. That was the last straw for me. There were tons of other awful situations living with him, but that one definitely took the cake. I talked to my mom/landlord about it and immediately started looking for a new roomie.
So now I live with Jen. She's a little weird, and not very girly like I am, and she smokes (which I hate, but she does it outside), but surprisingly, we get along great! I love living with her! We're actually like...friends! And she's an amazing cook, and loves making dinner for us, so that's also a plus. The only shitty thing about it (besides the smoking) is her little yappy, needy dog. He doesn't like anybody but her, he whines and howls loudly every time she leaves, he's always shitting and pissing on my side of the house and he bit me once, pretty bad. I seriously never thought it was possible to hate a dog, but I really hate hers. But she's been living here since the beginning of September, so we've spent a lot of that time figuring out how to make living with her dog manageable. And it's getting better. She also has a really nice boyfriend who comes over every other weekend and fixes stuff and does yard work lol. So, another perk of living with Jen.

Anyway, that's about all that's going on with me right now. I just spend like 75% of every day thinking about Lane. Ugh... It's been so long since I've been this way about a guy that it really scares me.

Conflicted

A while back I reminded all of you about Lane, a guy I met and briefly dated in Chicago. We got back in touch a little over a year ago, and have stayed in touch ever since, even though we haven't actually seen each other. We talk all the time! I mean actually talk, not text. We FaceTime at least once a week, and text almost every day. We've become pretty good friends I'd say, but I'm still in this same predicament. Am I being stupid? Is it pointless to continue this? I would be willing to commit to a relationship with him at this point IF we saw each other and things were as great in person as they are now, and IF he was willing to give it a shot, of course. I haven't told any of this to him though because I'm not sure if he feels the same way, and I don't wanna scare him off. He did talk about coming to NOLA for New Year's Eve this year, and he said a couple of his friends were down for the trip, but that was like 2 or 3 weeks ago, and he hasn't brought it up again since. ((Sigh)) I just feel like the more we talk, and the more we get to know each other, the more comfortable I get with him, and the more I depend on him, and the more I like him. And I don't want to develop strong feelings for him if there's no possibility of a relationship or anything. I'm no longer interested in just having flings with people. This is just getting so frustrating! I don't know what to do! Do I try to bring it up over the phone and sort of feel him out, or do I wait and see if he ends up coming down here for NYE? And if he does come, and there are fireworks, do I bring it up then, or wait and see what happens? And if he doesn't come, do I just keep on with this indefinite slightly more than friends friendship or what?? I wonder if he ever thinks about this kinda stuff. I doubt it. Ugh...

The Accidental Phone Call

Ok, as promised, Tinder Date #2. First of all, his name was Joshtin. Yea, like a mashup of Josh and Justin. Weird. But his profile was funny and sarcastic, so I thought we might get along. And he was really very funny via text! So we made plans to hang out on a Tuesday afternoon.
Well, shortly after we had made said plans, I accidentally butt dialed him. Ok, it actually wasn't a butt dial, I honestly don't know how I did it, but it was an accident! And it was pretty late at night. I wasn't with anybody or anything, I was just home in my bed, hanging out with the fur babies as per ush. But then I get a text from him... I'm just gonna paste the convo here.

So, as you can see from the conversation, I accidentally called him not once, but twice! Lol. But still, the texts were light and funny, which definitely didn't prepare me at all for what he would be like in real life. Which was very aloof, and very stingy with a smile. I'm serious! He didn't smile once on the whole date. In fact, he barely looked at me at all! He mostly just watched TV because Shark Week was on. I tried really hard to make conversation, but it was rough. Plus, he was a smoker, ugh. He was well dressed, and not bad looking, nice and tall, but he also seemed really full of himself, and my general impression was that he thought he was too good for everyone. Towards the end, he started talking about how much packing he needed to do for his business trip overseas, but that he would definitely call me when he got back. He never did of course. Meh, oh well. It clearly wasn't meant to be.
But while we're on the topic of dating, does anybody remember Lane? Well shortly after I moved to NOLA (which was over a year ago now, I can hardly believe it!), he sent me a facebook message. He went to Tulane, so he lived in NOLA for a few years and it's like his favorite city. So he said he just wanted to catch up and see how I liked it. And we've been talking ever since. He's in LA now, working in TV and also for UCLA doing something, I'm not exactly sure what. But we've talked casually, many times, about me going to Cali for a visit, or him coming here. He wanted to come for Jazz Fest, but had just started his job at UCLA so he couldn't take the time off, but he swears he'll be here for it next year. Part of me thinks I'm wasting my time with him, because he lives in fucking California, and what's the point? But another part of me feels like we're so compatible, that it would be stupid to write him off. I mean we actually talk on the phone and facetime each other now and then. We can talk about anything! And he's smart, and funny, and for me it's not all just about looks with him. I mean I am definitely attracted to him, but a lot of that attraction is not physical. And for me that's rare, because I'm kind of shallow. Lol. I mean looks aren't everything to me, but if I'm not physically attracted to someone, I just can't feel chemistry with them, ya know?
I don't see the harm in taking a trip out there, because there are other things I wanna do, and people I wanna see in California besides him, but I'm just worried that I'll get out there and like...fall for him, and then.... Then what?! I don't know! He doesn't seem like he's ready to make a commitment. But I don't know we haven't really talked about it. I don't mean we haven't talked about "Us", I mean we just haven't talked about whether he's in a place to commit to anyone. And I don't think he is. I could be wrong, but he is a couple years my junior. But even if he was like, "Let's try the long distance thing", I don't know if I want that. ((Sigh))
But he has definitely expressed interest, and attraction, and we sort of hashed out everything that happened with us before. I mean he kinda just stopped talking to me, and I was confused and upset, but we hadn't been serious enough for me to be heartbroken about it, so I just got over it. He said he had already made up his mind to leave for grad school (he ended up at NYU), so he already kind of had one foot out the door, which is why he didn't wanna form any attachments. Makes sense. He's a very logical person, not the type to let his emotions rule him. Unlike me... But I think I've gotten better about that. Maybe not. I just analyze everything.
Well this is what I know: I like him. I like him a lot. And I think that I could like him a lot more, but I'm maintaining arms length because of the distance, and because I'm not sure if he really feels enough about me to pursue something, or if this is just a casual phone flirting thing to him. I think he's interesting, funny, intellectual, and good looking. We used to have a lot of fun together. I think we still can. And I think our personalities mesh well, because I can ask him almost anything, talk to him about almost anything, and there's no awkwardness. So that eliminates a lot of guesswork. Who knows if that would carry over into a relationship though. It definitely wasn't like that when we were dating (or whatever you wanna call it) before.
Well. That's it. I just don't know what to do about him in general. I really wanna ask him how he actually feels/could feel, but I don't wanna freak him out. Maybe I'll just ask him anyway, and preface it with, "Don't freak out but..." lol.
Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions?? Anybody? Beuhler?