I just slept for 20.5 hours. I woke up last night for like 1 hour, wrote my last post and attempted to watch TV, but instead I just cried fell back asleep. I think I woke up and cried maybe 2 more times, and just now I got out of bed for the first time. ((Sigh)) I'm depressed. Or I'm recovering from a 3 day bender and maybe I'll snap out of it? Ugh, that's definitely wishful thinking. I know I need to talk to Lane. I have to. But maybe I just cool it for a while with him and see what happens. Or maybe I text him tomorrow and tell him he forgot something at my house and he when he asks what, I tell him he forgot me. Lol. I've already looked at plane tickets to LA for the end of this month, and I can definitely afford to buy one. Just for a weekend. But is it too soon to talk about going there for a visit? It wouldn't be the same as him coming here, because I don't know anyone else in LA. He has a cousin and a good friend who live here, so we didn't spend every waking moment together during this trip. There was time apart, which was kind of nice, cuz I could shower and get ready and sleep and whatever while he did his own thing.
Things keep coming back to me that he said. Like on NYE, we went out with a group, my friends and him and his cousin, to one of those all-inclusive things. But it ended at 1, so we went to a dive bar after that, and in the end, it was just Lane and I left. And he brought up the first time we dated, in Chicago. And he said, "You know, when we were hanging out back then, and you said I started to get weird, and we quit talking, I was just a kid then. I mean I was 22. I had just gotten out of college, and been dumped by this girl like a month before I met you. So really I was just a kid."
And it's true, and partly I knew that and partly I didn't, but why did he bring that up? I don't know. What I do know is that he's 26 now, and I'm 31. And while it doesn't feel like a huge gap, in some ways, it is, because I can't really see how a 26 year old person could have had enough experiences to know when something is really REAL. And I feel like it's real with him. I've dated a lot of douche bags, mostly for shallow reasons, and yea they were hot, but we never had much in common intellectually, or personality-wise, and of course none of them worked out in the end. And now I've been single for so long, and tried to focus on me, and what I want, and it's changed me as a person. It's changed the way I look at dating, and relationships, and even marriage.
He also said something to me about that in the same conversation. I can't remember exactly what, just that he said he's noticed how people in our age range tend to get into relationships and even if they're unhappy, or uncertain, they feel like marriage/kids/whatever is what they're SUPPOSED to do, so they do it. And he said I'm different in that way, and he likes and respects that. Ugh, I just feel like we understand each other on a level that I've never felt before. We connect. But I don't know if it's possible for him to be where I'm at. I don't know if he's ready for a serious commitment.
I'm willing to entertain the idea of pursuing this with him, despite all the odds, because I think it's worth it. I know it would be difficult, impossibly so maybe, and it could end badly, but I still think if we don't try, I would regret it. And I wish so badly I could tell him all this, but since we have basically avoided any talk of feelings whatsoever, I'm worried he might think it's all completely out of left field and be overwhelmed and run.
So do I say nothing yet, and let it all sink in for him a bit? Do I go visit him and we have another great weekend? And then maybe he starts coming round to the idea on his own?
Or do I bit the bullet and bring it up on the phone this week, and just hope he's open to the idea. Because if he's not, it's over. All of it. The thrice weekly FaceTime calls, the texting, and the amazing conversation, the feeling of having a kindred spirit that's a friendship with the possibility of more. All of it will be gone. And I will be devastated.
6 comments:
Yes, you would be devastated. While I thought a phone call would be best I am now entertaining the idea of you going there. That might be best, to show him you can fit into his world. See if it's as great as it was in NOLA
I'm gonna be harsh. And not to be mean but because I've read your blog for a long time and I care about you. You need to stop with the self pity and self wallowing. You run on emotion and while having a healthy balance of emotion and logic is great. You use your emotion as a excuse, as a weapon and as a reason to put your life on hold. Your 31 years old and life is not a romantic comedy. Things don't always turn out the way we want them to. Ask anyone or everyone! Hell even Kate Middleton got dumped before her fairytale came true! But with all the disappointment in life we build character. You can take each and every failure as a lesson. Or you can use it as a wall. A way to distance yourself from the outside world so you never feel that hurt or disappointment again. Think about the kind of person you want to be and make it a priority to be that person. Self examination is sometimes painful and hard. Probably the hardest thing any of us do in life is tell ourselves the truth about ourselves. Do you want to be lonely? Do you want to be scared and depressed? Or do you want to be happy and satisfied with or without a man? These are the questions you need to ask yourself then you will have the answer on what your next or best move will be in life. Sometimes the answer surprises you.
Stacy,
Of course I want to be happy with or without a man. Everything I have done in my life in the past...6 years has been about me, and shaping my life into what I want it to be. Moving away from Houston, and to a new place for a fresh start. Getting an art degree, moving to NOLA to pursue my dreams. All of these things I did without having any considerations for anyone's happiness but my own. I don't expect my life to be like a romantic comedy. And I know that I am a very flawed person. However, I'm not NEARLY as emotionally transparent in real life as I am in this blog. Most of my closest friends have never even seen me cry. I use this as an outlet for my feelings, and I appreciate everyone's comments. Getting non-biased advice from strangers is actually quite helpful sometimes!
But to answer your (most likely hypothetical) questions: NO, i do not want to be lonely, depressed or scared. I also don't want to be stressed and anxious all the time, but it turns out that a lot of those feelings are out of my control, which is why I decided to go see a doctor about it. So I guess what I want to know is...since i HAVE answered all these questions for myself, where is this elusive answer you're referring to, and why haven't I been able to figure it all out?
How long have you two been in close contact again recently? I really don't think you should talk about your emotions/desire to move forward at this point with him. I have been reading your blog a long time and I think that you have a tendency to come on too strong and too full on too soon. You need to let go and let things happen organically & naturally with him (without freaking the guy out). Give him a chance to pursue you a bit.
I understand your desire to not play games when it comes to relationships and to just be direct, but honestly men don't need to know every single thing we are thinking at the exact time we are thinking it (that is what girlfriends & blogs are for lol). Being too full on with your emotions doesn't actually help them or your situation with them. Yes, there is a time to be open, but in the right time and in the right manner.... and that is what I think you haven't quite figured out so far. Honesty is good, but so are boundaries.
You do seem like a lovely person and you do deserve to find a great guy so I hope things work out for you!
Autumn,
He got back in touch with me shortly after I moved to New Orleans, and we've been in contact ever since. So it's been over a year! I agree with what you're saying about boundaries. I struggle with this constantly, because my TRUTH just always wants to come out so badly, I think I will explode sometimes if I don't say what I'm thinking. I have been playing it cool so far. I mean it's only been a couple days, but it's been really hard, and I'm trying not to blow it.
Well maybe your asking yourself the wrong questions then? I had to speak generally and hypothetically of course because I'm sure there are spects of your life we don't know. I'm speaking on what I read.
From what I read I feel like there is something missing inside of you. You seem very successful you seem to make decisions based on your career success. But it doesn't seem like you are satisfied with it. Reading your thoughts about the current situation it reads as the thoughts of a college student not a 31 year old successful woman. Are you insecure about your situation? Do you not really feel successful? Do you feel the decisions you made to concentrate on yourself and your career hindered your ability to find love and be settled down with a man right now? Are you resentful of your decisions because of that?
Truth is this situation to me seems pretty clear. You can't settle for what he's willing to give you because that will make you hurt. Which is what your trying to avoid by not telling him what you want out of your relationship. Telling him how you feel is scary and I do t think you should go all Ted Mosby and say you love him on the first date but I do think you should be honest tell him that you don't want to waste your time. If it is never going to be a relationship then you have the right to know. And yes it will hurt but the sooner you know the sooner you can move on. If he feels that it may be something in the future but right now he is busy and must concentrate on work, yes it will hurt but you will be out of this limbo and you can make the decision for yourself if you are going to continue on with him and wait for that time. And if he wants to give it a shot then you took a risk and got exactly what you wanted. These are just my opinions on the situation though.
It's scary to put yourself out there. It's stressful and it is a whole lot of regret in the moment when you don't get the answers you want but I think after the storm. After the heartache and the sadness you will feel great about the fact that you took control. You will then be free to find someone who wants the same things you do. Because even if it doesn't seem like it there is always someone else. Heartbreak will never kill you. Tomorrow will come and there is plenty of fish in the sea. (Cliche I know but I think it fits) I really hope you get back your happiness Peyton. I wish you nothing but the best and I want you to know the readers even though we may seem elusive we are out here and we care about your well being. And from what I read you are a beautiful, intelligent and fun woman who deserves the world. Good luck!
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