I just slept for 20.5 hours. I woke up last night for like 1 hour, wrote my last post and attempted to watch TV, but instead I just cried fell back asleep. I think I woke up and cried maybe 2 more times, and just now I got out of bed for the first time. ((Sigh)) I'm depressed. Or I'm recovering from a 3 day bender and maybe I'll snap out of it? Ugh, that's definitely wishful thinking. I know I need to talk to Lane. I have to. But maybe I just cool it for a while with him and see what happens. Or maybe I text him tomorrow and tell him he forgot something at my house and he when he asks what, I tell him he forgot me. Lol. I've already looked at plane tickets to LA for the end of this month, and I can definitely afford to buy one. Just for a weekend. But is it too soon to talk about going there for a visit? It wouldn't be the same as him coming here, because I don't know anyone else in LA. He has a cousin and a good friend who live here, so we didn't spend every waking moment together during this trip. There was time apart, which was kind of nice, cuz I could shower and get ready and sleep and whatever while he did his own thing.
Things keep coming back to me that he said. Like on NYE, we went out with a group, my friends and him and his cousin, to one of those all-inclusive things. But it ended at 1, so we went to a dive bar after that, and in the end, it was just Lane and I left. And he brought up the first time we dated, in Chicago. And he said, "You know, when we were hanging out back then, and you said I started to get weird, and we quit talking, I was just a kid then. I mean I was 22. I had just gotten out of college, and been dumped by this girl like a month before I met you. So really I was just a kid."
And it's true, and partly I knew that and partly I didn't, but why did he bring that up? I don't know. What I do know is that he's 26 now, and I'm 31. And while it doesn't feel like a huge gap, in some ways, it is, because I can't really see how a 26 year old person could have had enough experiences to know when something is really REAL. And I feel like it's real with him. I've dated a lot of douche bags, mostly for shallow reasons, and yea they were hot, but we never had much in common intellectually, or personality-wise, and of course none of them worked out in the end. And now I've been single for so long, and tried to focus on me, and what I want, and it's changed me as a person. It's changed the way I look at dating, and relationships, and even marriage.
He also said something to me about that in the same conversation. I can't remember exactly what, just that he said he's noticed how people in our age range tend to get into relationships and even if they're unhappy, or uncertain, they feel like marriage/kids/whatever is what they're SUPPOSED to do, so they do it. And he said I'm different in that way, and he likes and respects that. Ugh, I just feel like we understand each other on a level that I've never felt before. We connect. But I don't know if it's possible for him to be where I'm at. I don't know if he's ready for a serious commitment.
I'm willing to entertain the idea of pursuing this with him, despite all the odds, because I think it's worth it. I know it would be difficult, impossibly so maybe, and it could end badly, but I still think if we don't try, I would regret it. And I wish so badly I could tell him all this, but since we have basically avoided any talk of feelings whatsoever, I'm worried he might think it's all completely out of left field and be overwhelmed and run.
So do I say nothing yet, and let it all sink in for him a bit? Do I go visit him and we have another great weekend? And then maybe he starts coming round to the idea on his own?
Or do I bit the bullet and bring it up on the phone this week, and just hope he's open to the idea. Because if he's not, it's over. All of it. The thrice weekly FaceTime calls, the texting, and the amazing conversation, the feeling of having a kindred spirit that's a friendship with the possibility of more. All of it will be gone. And I will be devastated.