Monday, January 11, 2016

Goodbye California

I had a talk with one of my guy friends last night about Lane. I explained everything to him, showed him our texts, and he said I should move on. Clearly he likes me, but he was just here to have a nice weekend, and he most likely knows how I feel (my friend says guys DO pick up on things like that, I'm not so sure though...), but he's choosing to ignore it, either because he's not interested in a relationship, or because he doesn't think a relationship is plausible, or both.
As tough as that was to hear, I think he's right. The distance I've been feeling between us lately...it just adds up. ((Sigh)) It sucks, and I'm sad and disappointed, but maybe it's for the best. I don't want to move to California! I love it here. And who knows, maybe when he turns 30, things will turn around. He may come out of the woodwork again in a few years. Assuming I'm still available. Ha! I probably will be, considering my track record.
I do want to maintain the friendship, I mean I really love him as a person! But I'm going to call it quits with the texting for a while. I just need time to get over it. I'm trying really hard to stay positive, and I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and meet people. I don't wanna be lonely and depressed all the time. It sucks. But what a lot of people don't understand is, depression and anxiety are illnesses. They affect the body in PHYSICAL ways as well as emotional. You can't compare it to "that one time you were really sad/anxious about ____". It never really goes away. It's just something I have to learn to live with and manage. And I'm still trying to figure that out. But these kinds of situations are really difficult for me. I know it's hard for anyone to put themself out there, or have their heart broken, but anytime I start to have feelings for someone, my immediate gut reaction is fear. Fear of the downward spiral that will follow when that person disappoints me. God...I think about Brandon and how long it took me to get over him, and at the time, I was undiagnosed. I had no idea why I was having such a hard time! I mean, I was in love with him, sure, so that made it harder. But I just wonder how I might have handled that differently if I had known what I was really dealing with.
Anyway, sorry if I'm seem really whiny on the blog lately, but I have to get it out somewhere!


Anonymous said...

Hey, I think that's a really sensible way to look at things. He just would have made more effort to make it happen if he wanted it to by now. And I say that going through a very recent, very difficult break up myself, where I have to stop myself from trying to get him back and remind myself that if he wanted to be here, he would. And that's sadly just the truth of it. You're not alone though, we're all reading this and feeling it with you.

Roberta Barr said...

Reading your posts lately I really feel like your life is my life. I also am on medication for anxiety and have the same issues with men - and am 31!!! its crazy but I struggle with getting out there or meeting new people as well. I have been on the meds for a few years now so its not as bad anxiety as it use to be but I really do understand what you feel!!!