Sunday, January 24, 2016

AAA: Austin, Alcohol, and Anxiety

Ughhhh I started typing this last night, and then got into a long, trainwreck of a conversation with Lane, which I will blog about next time. Gonna finish this one first.

This will probably be brief, because I really just wanna veg out and watch tv right now, but I figured I should hurry up and write this before I forget. So day number 1 in Austin was great. Kevin was a little too touchy/feely for my comfort level, but it was his birthday, so I let it slide. He just kept giving me kisses. We had a connecting flight in Houston with a little bit of a layover, so he bought us drinks lol. Then we got the puddle jumper to Austin and headed to the hotel. It was like 10am, but they let us check in early, so that was lucky. Then we grabbed an Uber and headed to South Congress, where we ended up at a really good Tex Mex place. We sat at the bar, did a couple tequila shots, drank margs and ate chips & queso and just talked. The alcohol helped, of course, cuz I was feeling more comfortable with him once I was buzzed. But the PDA thing was starting to get out of hand. So eventually I had to say something. I just sorta mentioned that PDA isn't really my thing, and he shouldn't take it personally. But apparently, my opinions on the subject didn't seem to matter, because he just kept doing it. But we also kept getting drunker, so my tolerance for his behavior was going up instead of down. We met up with my cousin, Lexi, that night. She's in her last semester at UT. And that was perfect, because we were at this bar, where Kevin had friends from NOLA, and I didn't know them, so with Lexi there, I had someone to talk to and hang with. We were out on 6th street, surprisingly, for most of the night. It was just so crazy being back there after all these years. I felt really old lol. But all in all we had a really good time. I did tell Lexi about how the PDA thing was bugging me, and it was just kind of...TOO MUCH, and was like, "Yea, I can sorta tell."
I don't remember the ride back to the hotel, but I was nervous about him trying something. As luck would have it though, he passed out immediately with all his clothes and shoes on lol. So I just got ready for bed at my leisure and went to sleep unharassed.
Friday morning was brutal. I didn't sleep well at all the night before, I kept having insane dreams that were startling me awake and then I woke up super early with a really bad anxiety attack, which happens when I drink. So I got up, took a Xanax and went back to bed. I was finally sleeping well when Kevin woke me up and said he had a couple friends who wanted to meet up for lunch, and we needed to get ready to go.
Now I am NOT a morning person, and I don't like being rushed. I like to take my time, drink my coffee and not talk to anyone. But here Kevin is being all chipper and pestering me to hurry up and get ready, and I felt absolutely awful. Anxiety in full swing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel hungover, but maybe that's just because the anxiety was taking over all my senses. While I was still asleep, I had gotten a text from Lane about a dream he had. I'll paste.

We sorta kept chatting on and off throughout the next couple days, not about anything relevant really. Just small talk.
Well we finally got out of the hotel and went to meet Kevin's friends, which were these 2 Australian guys on a 6 week trip across the US. He met them at his bar too, like the day after he met me lol. But they were pretty cool. Only thing is, when they met us at the restaurant, I just couldn't deal. When I'm having a full blown anxiety attack, all I wanna do is be alone, and curl up in a ball somewhere. I can't socialize, I can't go anywhere, I just CAN'T. I can't with anything. And that's how I was feeling. I was also really super tired. So I think those Aussies got a really bad first impression of me. And of course, Kevin kept rubbing my knee under the table, and trying to kiss me on the cheek and stuff...((Sigh)) After we ate, I convinced Kevin that I just needed a nap, and I'd meet them back up afterwards. So I went back to the hotel, and couldn't have been more relieved. I took another Xanax and got in bed. I was in and out for a couple hours. When I woke up I had texts from Izzie wanting to make plans for dinner, and I filled her in on my anxiety situation. She was sympathetic, and talked to me for a bit, so that helped. After a while, I started feeling better, and actually felt a bit bored. So I toyed with the idea of getting up and going back out to meet the guys. Then Kevin called and told me they were playing shuffleboard at this place we'd been at the night before, and he missed me and blabla. Then he says, "My friends think you don't like me that much." And I was like, "Damn those perceptive fuckers!" to myself of course, lol. What I actually said was, "Dude, I can't really explain this very well to you, but I was having bad anxiety this morning, and I've told you multiple times that I don't like PDA. And since when are you gonna let these 2 dudes dictate my feelings?" And he was like, "Ok, you're right."
Lane was texting me again, because I told him I was in Austin, and how our flight was at 7am the next morning. He suggested I just ride it out and not sleep, which is something you could conceivably do in NOLA, cuz some of the bars never close, but not in Austin. Then I ended up telling him the situation with Kevin.

Note that the drugs he's referring to is some pot Kevin got from some random guy the night before. I didn't participate in that though. Lane didn't respond after that, so I got up and ralleyed. I felt tons better by the time I got there, physically, but now I felt like I had to be extra affectionate with Kevin or those dudes were gonna say something. ((eye roll)) I wasn't though. I was just normal. Truthfully, I think he's a really nice guy, but just too much for me right now. And being on that trip with him just made me think about Lane, constantly, and reminded me that I'm not over him. As much as I tried to distract myself, I was texting him the whole weekend, and trying to force something that just wasn't meant to be with Kevin. Maybe if Kevin and I had met 2 months from now... I don't know. But it was starting to really bother me that he was completely disregarding my feelings on the subject of PDA, and we ended up getting in a bit of an argument when we got back to the hotel around 12:30 that night. We didn't stay out late cuz our flight Saturday was was so early. FML. 
So we had just gotten out of the Uber and he's grabbing my ass and saying, "Why won't you kiss me?" And I'd just had it! Finally! 
I pushed him away and I was like, "Look. I've been telling you this for the past 2 days, and you just don't seem to be listening. This is all too much. It's too much! We don't know each other! I mean I came here to have a good time, and we did, and that's great, but this is probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done. And we still don't know each other. And I'm just not comfortable being like that with you and you keep pushing it! It's just too much too soon. And whatever I say, I can't win, because you'll probably be mad."
And he was like, "No, I'm not mad. That's cool, I get it. I'm sorry." But of course, he looked upset. ((sigh)). So the elevator ride back up to the hotel was awkward, I went in the bathroom, closed the door and got ready for bed, and when I came out, he was already basically asleep. I set the alarm and went to bed. 
When I got up (at fucking 5:45am), I had a response from Lane. It seemed slightly encouraging, although he was probably drunk when he typed it, but I wrote back. Then nothing.

The flights home went by pretty quickly cuz we both slept through them. And when Kevin's roommate picked us up from the airport, I just kept thinking, Almost there. Almost there, as I fantasized about being alone and in my bed with my furbabies. Then finally I was home, and I just slept. ((Sigh)) Alone at last.

No comments: