Monday, January 25, 2016

I Tanked It

I'll pick up where I left off the Lane conversation. It's very long, so that's why I'm pasting it, and it's a little bit tedious in some areas, so I apologize.

So at this point, we stopped talking for a while, because I was really pissed. I mean, he just brought up some chick he's told me about before, who he very briefly dated, not even in a committed relationship, and she ended things because she took a job in Australia, and apparently he's disappointed he wasn't given the option to continue the relationship. WTF?! Like, I'm sitting here pouring my heart out, and he says he likes me, and he's not against long distance relationships, he just doesn't want that with me. Ouch. So I start to get mad, and I know I should just leave it be, and not say anything else, but I just couldn't. I'm not going to paste what I said, because it's a bit embarrassing, but I'll give you the gist. 
I asked him if he noticed any parallels between that situation and this one, and why the fuck he would even bring that up in this conversation. And he basically was like, "If you're saying you want me to ask you to move to LA so that you can say no, I'm not gonna do that."
Again, WTF?!?! Which is what I said, exactly. Like WHY would I want him to even ask me to move there if I was just gonna say no?! And he was like, "Uh duh, I wouldn't." ((Sigh))
Then it all just kinda hit me. As many boxes as he checks for me on paper, he's immature, and very self-involved right now. And that's...ok. It is, because he's 26, and basically in the same spot I was in at his age, but clearly, he is not what I'm looking for right now. He could be, in a few years, who knows? But he's been using me as his...emotional cheerleader, every time he feels shitty about himself, or lost and confused in his life, and I've been letting him, and forming this false sense of...intimacy because of that. But really, we never talk about me. Everything is always about him. And that's not ok. It's not ok in a romantic relationship, and it's not ok in a friendship. And that's why I think I did what I did. I think I tanked it on purpose. Because at least now I know it's done, and it's not going to happen, not even in my WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS, and the only person I have to blame for that, basically, is myself. And I can live with that. 
So I'm quitting him, cold turkey. It's not going to be easy. He's already texted me once today, and frankly, I'm quite surprised he did after how crazy I was last night. Lol. He asked me some innocuous question about an improv troupe Sophie and I used to like. I didn't respond. And I don't plan on it. 
I'm officially moving on.


Autumn said...

Yeah I kind of feel like you definitely were beating a dead horse with that one...over and over..haha. I'm glad you feel ready to move on though because it's definitely not going to happen with him based on those texts and it would suck to get more invested/hurt over it. It's interesting that you weren't that into the bartender even though he is hot and seems nice and likes you. Do you think you are sabotaging that on purpose / only go for guys that you know subconsciously aren't that into you?

Peyton said...


It's entirely possible that I sabotage myself, but I really think in this case, I just wasn't ready. I wasn't over Lane, and the situation with Kevin was just too much all at once. I haven't completely written him off though, just taking some time out to get to know each other.

Autumn said...

Yeah, that's understandable if he came on too strong and clingy too quick. Nobody likes a clingy person.