Monday, November 23, 2009

Holiday Season Is Coming

I know it's been a few days since I've written. I was in Austin for the weekend, and I've just been insanely busy trying to prepare for the holidays!
The end of last week was a little hard, but I made it through, and everything is fine.
TB has still been calling/texting regularly. And honestly...I just don't know what opinions to form on this situation. I mean I told him, when I first met him, that I'm not looking for any kind of relationship; just fun, and trying to get my life back on track, picking up the pieces, etc. And he seemed to totally get it. I just never expected him to stick around! And yes, obviously, I've been texting him back, because it's been nice just to have somebody to talk to... someone who obviously really wants to talk to me, and get to know me. And it's kind of been a while since I've had that. But now he's talking about making another trip out here! And that makes me really nervous, because I don't want him to expect anything, sexual or otherwise. And I told him that too, but he still wants to come!! So, I guess there's not really anything I can do or say to discourage him, aside from stopping all communication. But I don't want to do that. I like him, he's fun and interesting.
Anyways, Cory just got in town tonight. And we have plans to hang out this week. Possibly even tomorrow! I wonder how that's gonna be... Eh, he's funny and cool, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Tomorrow I have to leave work early to go to the doctor. I have to get blood work done. I'm really nervous, I hate needles! But I've noticed that over the past couple of years, I've lost like 30% of the density of my hair! And it's really making me nervous. Hence, the blood work.
But afterwords, I'm gonna meet Emma for dinner, and then get a mani/pedi. So that will be fun.
Austin was nice. I didn't do any partying, just hung out with Izzie and the baby, did a little shopping, and saw New Moon. I loved it! I mean, as a movie. I thought this adaptation was much better than Twilight. As far as the books go, that's a whole different story, but can I just say that Taylor Lautner is totally a hot piece of ass!? ((sigh)) If only he was older...

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is just around the corner! My parents and Sophie won't be here, but Jenna and Izzie are coming into town! So I'll be at the grandparents' house on Thursday with Jenna, and then a group of us, including Cory, are going out Thursday night! I can't wait!
And then this weekend, me and the girls leave for our trip!!! I can't wait!!
Ok, well it's just about midnight now, so time for bed.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Birthday Wishes

Erg...Why does today have to be Brandon's birthday?? I was doing so well not thinking about him at all. But not today... I feel like I should least text him a Happy Birthday, just so he knows I harbor no ill-will towards him. ((Sigh)) This too shall pass...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Attention Please!

Ok, well! So many things to address...
After reading all your comments, bad and good, my first conclusion was, "Ok, I'm just gonna stop blogging. I'm sick of feeling like I need to justify my words, and my actions to these people. They don't know me, and they have no right to judge me". And that's the truth!
But, on the other hand, this wouldn't be the first time I've resorted to quitting blogger because of a few rude comments. And I'm really not the type of person to do something like that. And I enjoy blogging! So now, let me just make something clear. When I respond to comments, whether in the form of another comment, or in a post, I write exactly what I would say, if we were having this conversation in person... i.e., "fuck you!"
If that girl (I'm assuming it's a girl, because I really don't think I have any male readers) had told me to my face that I needed to act like an adult, and don't screw this up, etc... I would have straight up said "fuck you" to her face. But then I remembered, that I, unlike that girl, am not a timid person, and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, and if I've got something to say to somebody, I say it to their face. Unlike the anonymous commenters who have nothing nice to say. So I don't feel my actions were out of line at all. If someone came up to you, and bashed you, and told you you were immature, and wrong in the decisions you made, decisions you felt pretty good about, how would you feel? What would you say to that person? I would hope that you would stand up for yourself. Unfortunately, none of you actually know me, and I don't actually know any of you, so we can't have a face to face conversation.
And as for the comment about me being "too boy crazy" and just moving right on to the next guy, that is not the case at all. I'm not moving right on to the next guy. I'm single! I'm having fun! What would you have me do?? Hole up in my apartment like a shrew?? Not go anywhere, or do anything?? I'm taking it day by day. Catching the curveballs that are thrown my way; sometimes I throw them back, and sometimes I hold onto them for a while. But I'm not trying to make TB my new boyfriend. And yes, I admit it! I'm boy crazy! I'm a straight, young woman, with a healthy sexual appetite! And if I wasn't boy crazy, would half of you even still be reading this blog?? Cuz I think it would probably be pretty boring. So, think what you like, but I know that there is nothing wrong with the decision I made to sleep with TB. I feel good about that decision, and I don't regret it at all. And actually, I have made a new friend! He's still been texting me every day. And yesterday, he even mentioned flying back to Houston again soon, because he had so much fun when he was here!
And as for all my supportive readers, I'm sorry if I don't give you guys props enough for your encouraging comments. I do sometimes mention you in the beginning of my blogs. Sometimes it's just an acknowledgement, but I'll try to pay more attention to you in the blog. Because I do really appreciate you guys! It's nice to know that there are people out there who aren't judging me, or talking shit! I mean, everyone needs a little encouragement from time to time. Everyone likes to hear that they've done something right, once in a while, instead of something wrong. Because people are usually so much quicker to point out your mistakes, than your accomplishments. So here's to my positive feedbackers! You are the ones who keep me blogging! :) REALLY! Because when I start to have second thoughts about continuing to write, the first thing that pops into my mind is my loyal followers! Obviously, I'm doing something right, to keep you guys reading, and I don't want to disappoint you.
But anyways, that's my 2 cents on the comment issues. As for everything else, I'm really excited about my trip to Austin this weekend. Izzie and I have been talking back and forth constantly about our ideas for the agency, and what we're gonna do this weekend (go shopping and see New Moon, just to name a few!). It's gonna be a great little getaway. And then next week is Thanksgiving! Izzie will be here for that too, and she's invited me to spend the holiday with her family, since mine will all be in Florida. :(
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do for Thanksgiving though, because Jenna will be in town, so we may be having dinner at my aunts or grandparents' house. But if not, I'll spend Thanksgiving with Izzie. OH! And Cory's going to be in town as well. He got in touch with me just the other night, and we have plans to grab cocktails Wednesday and/or Thursday night. So that should be fun. Izzie is going to come with us, since her Mom will be able to watch the baby.
It's going to be a great week! I'm excited.
Oh, and tomorrow is Brandon's 27th birthday. I wonder if he'll grow up at all this year...

Monday, November 16, 2009

I'm Back!

OMG I have so much exciting news! First of all, I finally got some booty! Lol. And it was definitely exactly what I needed to just...get me across that bridge. I mean, I had already made the decision to cross it, after my talk with Aaron, and I just...needed to do something to act on it! So me and Tommy Bahama (JC's friend from out of town) ended up going out to dinner Thursday! Then on Friday, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself out of work by 1am! So I hightailed it over to Washington to meet up with TB, JC, Ben, Mark and everybody. I had a little bit of a power hour, which was just enough to get me feeling free. Free of the stress, and pressures of the work week, and ready to let loose and have some fun! And that's exactly what I did!
Soo...Tommy Bahama and I hung out all night, and we both ended up back at JC's place, and first we were just sitting there, talking, about anything and everything! And then one thing led to another... And before I knew it, I was a liberated woman! FREE AT LAST!!
I mean, I know it was more of a mental thing than anything else, because I did this for myself. And it was fun! And, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! It's like...I'm back! HAHAHA!!
I know, I may seem a little extremist, and maybe you think it was irresponsible, or foolish to sleep with a guy I just met, but guess what? I don't care! Just know, that I didn't do it for revenge. I didn't do it because I hoped that Brandon would find out and come crawling back. I just did it for me. And I don't care if he finds out or not. I really feel like I'm over him! I mean, not completely. But mostly. The pain is pretty much gone. I don't fall asleep thinking about him, or panic about going to the bar and seeing him, or wonder what he's doing or what girl he's with. I just don't care!
So obviously, I was in a very elated mood all day Saturday. Nothing could get me down! After work, Taryn and I went over to JC's again, because it was TB's last night in Houston! Unfortunately, by the time I got there, all the guys were just about ready to pass out. So I said my goodbyes to TB, and finally headed home, completely exhausted.
On Sunday, I slept till like 4:30pm! I had a whole week's worth of sleep to catch up on. TB had already left to go home to Colorado. He's originally from Colorado, but he's been living and working in the Bahamas for the last few months. Anyways, I talked to Melissa on the phone about everything, and she just kept gushing to me about TB, asking me when I'm gonna see him again, etc. And I promptly set her straight. I have no plans to see him again, and even though I think he's a nice guy, he already served his purpose. To help me move on. I mean, nothing could come of it anyway; he lives in Colorado!
But the funny thing is, he hasn't stopped texting me since! He was texting me all day today while I was at work. And honestly, it was a welcome distraction, cuz after the weekend I had, I was having trouble staying awake. Oh, and while I'm on that subject, let me just point out that my boss specifically told me, I can come in and leave whenever I want, as long as I put in my 40 hours. And last week, I put in 45 hours! So don't bitch at me about how this is my "chance to be an adult"! Fuck you! I AM being an adult! I got this job myself, I support myself, I may not be perfect, but I'm a big girl, goddammit and I'm not stupid. So don't talk to me like I am.
Sorry if that sounded a little harsh, but like I said, I'm a new woman. Very liberated.
So anyways, Tommy Bahama has been texting me all day, asking me all kinds of questions about myself, and what I like to do for fun, and what kind of guys I date, and what my longest relationship was. Stuff that only a genuinely interested guy would ask, right?
It's strange...
Anyways, so this project I started working last week, I finished 2 days early! And my boss was incredulous! So yayyy points for me! Except today I think he was scrambling around trying to find things for me to do, cuz he thought I'd still be working on last week's project. Oh well. At least he was impressed! Well, I really should be going to bed soon. ((Sigh))
Goodnight World!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Make a Move

OMG! So last night, I went out to dinner with a bunch of people from the bar for Sheila's birthday. And Taryn was there, with a couple of her friends, including a guy in town from the Bahamas, who I couldn't help notice was pretty good looking. So I discreetly asked her about him at dinner (we were texting under the table), and she informed me that he's single! Except, he's only gonna be here till Sunday. But what the hell! So I told her to drop a few hints for me, and sniff around little bit. Which she did. She told him I thought he was cute, but I ended up having to go home relatively early, and nothing came of it. Oh well.
So for the last hour, I've been sitting at my desk, doing some gruelling spreadsheet work, and fantasizing about my nap when I get home, when Taryn texts me! Apparently her friend from the Bahamas wants to know what I'm doing tonight! :D Her other friend, JC, is texting me too, asking me what I'm doing. Apparently him and Bahama Boy are going out tonight. Unfortunately, Taryn is working, but she says I should hang out with them. And I'm definitely considering it! She wants us to come visit her at work. Of course, I can't be out late, though. I was in bed by midnight last night, which was a miracle, and I still barely made it to work today cuz I overslept. Ugh. But as long as I get here before my boss does, it's ok! Hehe.
Well now I'm just patiently awaiting a text back from JC. So I guess we'll see what happens! But I definitely gotta get the hell out of this office! Thank God tomorrow is Friday...

P.S. Brandon was at the dinner last night, and I totally followed my game plan! He got there late and had to sit at the very end of the table by himself. I honestly felt sorry for him! But he walked down the entire length table to say hi, when he got there. I said hi back, and that was it! Easy as pie.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Just Fade Away...

Today, after work, I met up with one of my coworkers from the bar, Aaron, for coffee. Aaron is probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. And he's insanely goofy! He recently got married, and he gives really good advice, and he and I were working behind the same bar this past Saturday, and started having a conversation that we didn't get to finish. So he suggested we meet for coffee. And yes, the conversation was about Brandon.
We talked for about two and a half hours, and it was probably the best conversation I've had with anyone on the topic so far. He really peeled away all the crap that's covering Brandon, and our relationship, and showed me what's underneath. He gave me advice on what I should do, and how I should behave at work, and he gave me his opinions on Brandon, and on my situation. And I really feel a lot better now.
Even though I've known for a while that Brandon and I aren't meant to be together, the lingering feelings I had just kept pulling me back. Because in the very beginning of our relationship, things were great! And I was just clinging onto that for some reason. But, Brandon hasn't been the person I fell in love with , in a long time. In fact, since then he's become selfish, mean, and competitive to the point where things at work become tense. And, as Aaron pointed out, the reason is because he has convinced himself that he is the best. He doesn't want anyone to be better than him, and he doesn't give himself room to improve because he thinks he's already the best. Which is why he doesn't like anyone correcting him at work. But he's forgotten the most important thing. To be the best, you have to be the best person that you can be, and you have to be well-rounded in doing so. You have to want to be the best friend, the best boyfriend/girlfriend, the best brother, sister, son, daughter, father or mother. Not just the best bartender. Not just the best golfer. And Brandon never cared to be the best boyfriend to me, because that would have required him to make some sacrifices. And he's so wrapped up in himself, that he doesn't want to do that.
I never thought about it that way.
Aaron also pointed out that Brandon's juvenile behavior the other night was just a play to get a reaction out of me. And it worked! And he says if I just accept Brandon, not ignore him, not be overly friendly, but just accept him, it will help me to move on, and it will drive him nuts. And if I just don't give in, he'll end up making a fool out of himself, which will be unattractive to me, and help me get over him. Because he wants to get attention from me, he wants to get a reaction out of me. He likes knowing that I still care about him. And I cannot, under any circumstances, give him that satisfaction. And he's gonna jab at me a few times, maybe even do something drastic, like make out with a girl in front of me, to try to get a reaction, but I just have to be strong, and not give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. And eventually he'll just fade away....

We talked about a lot more things, but overall, I learned that I just need to tell myself, and everyone else, that I don't care, and truly mean it, because I know he's not what I want. And it's not going to be easy, but I'm on my way. ((Sigh))
So...hopefully I can stay in this frame of mind that I'm in right now. And I'm really thankful to Aaron for taking the time to sit and talk with me. He and I don't really hang out too much, because he works 2 jobs, and he's married and all. I do hang out with his wife, Trina every now and then. They're like the perfect couple. I mean, obviously nothing is perfect, but they are one of the best models for a relationship of anyone I know. So, I think if anyone can give good relationship advice, it's Aaron.

Well, I don't really have anything else exciting to report. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm getting through this. I am determined to get through this! And hopefully, once I'm back to my old happy-go-lucky self again, the right guy will come along.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Keeps Coming Back...

Well I'm all set to go to Austin. I found a dog sitter, and requested off work. So I'm going the weekend before Thanksgiving.
Work is getting a little more interesting. I just got finished calling a long list of people, to inform them that technicians are going to be coming in and updating their systems. Not too exciting, but at least it's time-consuming.
This weekend was horrendous. Seeing Brandon after a week of not seeing him, was heart wrenching. He's back with that stupid slut. The one he told me he didn't care about, and she meant nothing to him, and she was boring, and uninteresting. ((Sigh)) It breaks my heart that he would choose her over me! And after all that bullshit he spat me about wanted to be alone, and concentrate on golf, and work, etc, etc...Total lies. And on top of that, people at work, and my friends, feel the need to tell me, EVERY TIME they see him with her, or any girl. And I guess The Slore is telling people that they're dating. Which of course, he denies, under the pretenses that they've "never even talked about that". I wish I could just stop caring. I feel so weak. So fragile. I'm always on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, after laying awake for hours thinking about him. And I know he's not right for me. I know he can't give me what I want! But I still love him. I just wish I didn't. And more than anything, I wish I didn't have to hear about him being with another girl. I wish she didn't come into my bar all the time. I wish I didn't get paranoid every time I see Brandon respond to a text message. ((Sigh))
Why am I so depressed?? It's like I've forgotten how to make myself happy. Everything is just dull. Gray. Empty. I'm tired 24/7, probably because I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep, I wake up almost every hour. I have nightmares, and weird, unsettling dreams. I'm so sick of being alone. And I don't even mean just relationship-wise. I'm by myself all the time! And I don't even have the energy or the motivation to leave the house when I have free time, because I'm so tired, and I feel so antisocial. And when I am around people, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just sit there and think.
Why her? Why me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I even comparing myself to her? Why can't I just get over it already? Why is it that nothing seems to make me happy anymore??
In the past year, my hair has lost about 30% of it's density. I'M LOSING MY HAIR! I had a full-on mental breakdown Saturday night because of it. When I was washing my hair, there were like 8 full strands in my hands afterwards. I called my mom crying, and she suggested I call in from work. But I couldn't cuz I need the money. Now I wish I would have because Brandon and I got in a fight that night. He got mad cuz I asked him to face his one dollar bills, and he said I was singling him out and trying to make him look bad. ((Sigh)) I told him he was over analyzing and being too defensive and mean. Let's just say, the argument didn't really get us anywhere.
Sunday, I got so mad, I told him to stay out of my life. Because he's selfish and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he has a new chick.
To which he responded, "I can't help what other people say. I'm not doing anything wrong!"
And I told him to shove it because he doesn't give a shit about me, or anyone, but himself. Then he said he was deleting my number.
I ended up texting him later that I was sorry, and I didn't mean all those things, I just need some time, and I hope he understands.
He said he understands, but I don't think he does! I think he thinks I'm crazy, and he doesn't get why I'm so upset over him. I'm just another obsessive ex-girlfriend. He doesn't get it, because he never felt what I do. And that hurts too.
I need help. I'm drowning. I can't deal with this anymore. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, this just keeps coming back to haunt me.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Exciting Opportunities

OMG. So I'm at work right now, and I'm totally wired on aderall and coffee. I'm on my second cup of double espresso. AHHH! We have an awesome automatic coffee maker downstairs with all these different flavors in it. Anyways...
Izzie and I have been texting in the mornings, since she's like the only other person I know who has a normal job and is up at these hours! It definitely helped me get through yesterday morning!
So today, I was asking her how she does this every day! You know, how she stays awake, and how she doesn't go out of her mind with boredom! At the time, my coffee high hadn't hit yet, and I was struggling to keep my eyes open. So she mentioned that she wasn't planning on staying at her current job forever, and she wants to open her own ad agency. And I was like, "OMG IZ! I wanna come work for you! I'll move to Austin! I can take photos for your ads, and do photoshop stuff, and entertain you, and just whatever else you need! That would be soooo awesome!"
Izzie: Hmmm, I don't know, Do you have any references? Jk you tard, I've been trying to get you to move to Austin for decades. But don't run out and quit your job though, it'll be at least 6 months before I can really get something started.
Me: Lol, I know. But other than you, I had no real reason to move to Austin. But now that I'm getting some corporate experience on my resume, I think it'll be easier for me to branch out. Plus, I'm single now, and there's nothing really holding me back. Obviously I'm not gonna go quit my job, it's only my second day! lol. But I'm serious though.
Izzie: Who knows if you'll be single in 6 months though? I would really, really, reallyreallyreallyreally love for you to help me start an ad agency. Really.
Me: I really reallly reallllllly would love that too! Really. We should have a business meeting about this. Really. Perhaps I'll come to Austin soon. Hmmm...
Izzie: Do it. I have another friend that wants in on this too. And I really like the business meeting idea. Let's do this soon.
Me: Dammit, I wish I could come this weekend, but it's too late for me to try and get off work bartending, and next weekend is someone's birthday, so I doubt I'll be able to get off then. But maybe if I say it's business travel, I can pull it off! I'll talk to my manager tonight and see what I can do.
Izzie: For next weekend?
Me: Yea, would that work for you?
Izzie: Let me check my calendar, and I'll get back to you ASAP.

I'm still waiting to hear back from her, but nothing has gotten me this excited in a while. I mean, our own ad agency!?? That would be AWESOME! And I would actually be doing something I love to do, with photo editing and stuff. Plus I would be working with Izzie, who to this day is the best friend I have ever had through the years. Tried and true! :)
And even if I end up totally hating this job I have now, I can deal with it for as long as it takes, just knowing that I have something else to look forward to. It's being stuck here forever that really scares me.
Plus, you know, Austin is much closer to San Antonio... ;)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

To The Future!

Well today was a big day for me on several fronts! First and foremost, I started my new job! And to be honest, it was grueling and boring. But it was only the first day. And my supervisor basically just gave me a bunch of material to read about the company, and the department, etc... And obviously, the reading was very tedious, and I was trying like hell to stay awake. I only got like 3 hours of sleep last night. Today kind of reminded me of the first day of classes in college. You show up, meet your professor and get your syllabus. Basically just a formality, nothing too exciting. But, I made it through the day, boring as it was, and tomorrow should be more exciting, more involved. I actually get to start on some small projects. The big project I was hired for doesn't start up for a couple of weeks, so this is kind of my introductory, training, settling in period.
After work, I met up with my mom, who had just gotten out of her doctor's appointment. We had a light dinner, and then she suggested we do a little shopping. And a little shopping, sort of turned into a lot of shopping! Haha. I mean, we went into Ross, just to pick up a couple shirts or sweaters for me to wear to work, and then we found this beautiful Calvin Klein suit, and this beautiful Calvin Klein coat, and then we had to find me an outfit to match the coat.... And I mean, we were at Ross, so everything was a bargain! And since we were so close to the Galleria, this particular Ross had a lot of high end stuff. So that definitely brightened my day. And my mom paid for all of it! She said it was "an investment in my future". :)
And guess who's back?? Well...sort of. Cory! He sent me a flirty message on Facebook the other day, saying that he and I just needed to get together, have wild sex and forget all our previous relationship problems. Lol. And even though that may sound a little presumptuous, he's always been a jokster, and I love that about him. And most importantly, it made me laugh.
So today, I thought I'd send him a random text just for the hell of it.
And our conversation got increasingly more and more flirtatious. I'll paste it here.

Me: I think I may be in dire need of your booty call services.
Cory: Haha well when are you making the trip to SA, cuz [insert hometown here] is lame, and I don't have a bed there. Lol.
Me: I told you I live in HOUSTON now, lol. And I don't have a bed in SA either. But P.S. you could share my bed, I just can't promise you'll get any sleep.
Cory: Lmao ok then, but if I go to HTown, I always have to go home and see my family, or else I'd feel bad.
Me: Well then you have an excuse to come down here! [Hometown] is really not THAT far off the grid.
Cory: Ya, but between work and school, my time is limited. :( Guess I'll have to see.
Me: Yea, yea, well MAKE IT HAPPEN! Before I implode from lack of orgasms. Hahaha.
Cory: Oh my! lol. exciting.
Me: Yea it sounds funny, but it's really not.
Cory: Trust me I'm positive I'm more frustrated than you.
Me: Hmmm...I doubt that! I pretty sure I got dumped before you did! And it's been a pretty long time since I've gotten any action!
Cory: I had sex 12 times with my gf of 10 months... Pretty sure I win.
Me: ((Sigh)) ok FINE. You win. Lol. What an accomplishment, huh? We should really get some other ppl in on THIS contest!
Cory: No one would beat me... Sex 12 times in 10 months... I've done that in like 2 days..
Me: Lol. Don't tease me.
Cory: I like to tease. Makes it more fun.
Me: I couldn't agree more...
Cory: Lol this makes a trip to houston seem more pleasing. 3 hours in the car sucks.
Me: Well I'm sure I can return the favor at some point. Either way, I'll make it worth your while. ;)
Cory: I like the term, "make it worth your while"
Me: Me too, because it usually means fun. :D

The End.
Well! I am definitely having fun with this one. There's no threat here! He lives in San Antonio, I'm not afraid of him hurting me, there are no strings attached, we're just flirting, and there's a possibility of sex. Maybe more, maybe not. Who knows?! But I'm having fun. And that's what's important. It would be pretty damn awesome if he came to visit though...
We'll see what happens...
Here's to the future!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Damaged Goods

Well I start the new job tomorrow. I'm pretty anxious about it. I'm not really sure what to expect. I went shopping with Melissa yesterday to get some comfy pumps, and couple more things to add to my professional wardrobe. I didn't do anything last night, because Bethany, Tug, Summer and Ben were on a double date. :/
Usually Bethany and I do movie Mondays, but obviously that was a no-go. ((Sigh))
So I spent my last 2 free nights sitting at home, by myself, in my pajamas. And I was reading an old journal the other night, from 2002. And I just can't believe how…carefree and happy I was then. And even when I was having problems with my boyfriend at the time, which not surprisingly, are the same kinds of problems I still have with guys, it was like I had at least 2 other guys on the backburner to distract me from my current relationship problems! And it's not that I was cheating with these other guys, but they were just around, to flirt with and make me feel wanted. I mean, how sweet is that! I was so…innocent, naive even, but so bold, unafraid, undaunted, and adventurous. And I wouldn't even say I was confident, I was just…fearless. And now…I've become so cautious, jaded, apathetic, ripped apart and beaten down that it's like…I don't even have the desire, or the drive to go out and find those things anymore. And I wish I did! I wish I could be like that again. How is it that in every relationship I've ever been in (save one), I always have to question the guy's feelings. He never calls when he says he's going to. Always makes me wait around, takes me for granted, treats me with indifference, doesn't express his feelings, verbally, or otherwise. They've all been the same. Disappointment after disappointment. I just want a guy to really love me, and not be afraid to show it. Not try to change me, or make me less of a woman, less independent, less of who I am, just to make himself feel bigger, stronger, better… Why does everything have to be a competition??? I'm not looking for competition. I'm looking for companionship. So what if we work together? Why do we have to be competitors? Why can't we just be coworkers? Friends? Why are men so selfish, inconsiderate, and egocentric?? Why do they have to act so spiteful and mean when they feel they've been bested. Who's even counting?? Why do they always feel like they have to trade up. Like there just might be something better out there. Not to sound narcissistic but, what could be better than me?? I have a lot to offer. I'm smart, unique, and fun. I like to go out do things, travel, laugh, be goofy. I don't get mad easily, and I'm not catty, and I don't like to play games. WHERE are the men who are looking for THOSE things??? And how come the ones who claim to be looking for those things, don't ask me out!? I can't help it if I'm intimidating! If I intimidate anyone, it's because I know who I am, and what I bring to the table. I don't do it intentionally. I'm not mean, or condescending, or patronizing. I'm accepting, and outgoing, and friendly. I'll talk to anyone! But apparently people are afraid to talk to me. ((Sigh))I'm tired of doing all the work. All the heavy lifting, the worrying, the texting, making all the plans…I want somebody to make plans with me for once. Invite me out to dinner, or something. Text me goodnight. Call me when he's thinking of me. I just want somebody to be crazy about me.And I want to go back to the way I was.Where is that girl??And who is this person I have become?? Has the world really shaped me into this hardened, skittish, bitter, cynical, pessimist??I really am damaged goods.I think I may be losing faith in humanity.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I thought I could do this. But now I'm not so sure. ((Sigh))