Time Will Tell

Ok I know I promised a new post today, so even though I don't really have much to report, here I am. Things with my Mom are...strained, to say the least. She still comes over once a week but I just don't really know what to say to her, and the atmosphere is very subdued. Although things with my Dad have actually sort of been improving. I guess it's cuz I've been making a noticeable effort to talk to him more, and spend more time with him. I just don't want him to be lonely. ((Sigh))

My first appointment with the therapist is tonight. I'm really nervous. I've never been to any kind of shrink before, and I have no idea what to expect. But...I guess I don't really have anything to lose, right? And if it's not for me, then I don't have to go back. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford to go back, but that all just depends on how well it goes I guess.

Every day I fantasize about moving somewhere far away, where nobody knows me and I can just...start fresh. I still want to go to that school in Chicago, but even that seems almost unlikely. Just because I don't think I'll be able to afford it, and now that my parents are separating, I'm not sure my mom's promise to help me financially still stands. I don't even know how she can afford to pay her own bills without my dad. But who knows...I'm still going to apply, and if I get in, maybe I can get some financial aid or something.

I did finally talk to Sophie. I called her on Friday afternoon, and we got into an argument. I told her she was being too flippant about everything, and asked her how it is that this doesn't seem to bother her. And she argued that she couldn't understand why it was bothering me so much, saying, "Don't you just want them to be happy? If Mom isn't happy with Dad, then she shouldn't stay with him." Her callousness and general lack of concern for the entire situation was not only upsetting me, it was making me angry. She's not here. She doesn't know how it really is. And the only person she seems to talk to is Mom, so how could she possibly know the whole story!?
But she called me back the next day and apologized for being combative, and she said she did think maybe there was something more she could do. I explained to her about how I was worried about Dad. I mean, Mom talks like marrying Dad was a mistake from the start, and the only reason they stayed together was because of Sophie and I, and that she was just settling. But then Dad talks like she's just going through some kind of midlife crisis, and she'll get over it and come home eventually. But I'm not so sure that's going to happen... But I hope, for all of our sakes that it is. Only time will tell.
Oh well, at least Sophie and I are on some kind of common ground now. She'll be here visiting in a couple of weeks, Father's Day weekend, and we're going to try and do something fun with Dad, like...go carts or something, I dunno.

Well, I can't stand to think about this anymore, it's just making me feel sullen. I'm gonna go back to my book. Wish me luck tonight.

Disappointed

((Sigh))

I think I miss blogging.

I know I've been posting something here and there, just when I need to get something out, but...I dunno. It's like I wanna blog, but I don't. I'm just such a total mess right now, I don't even know where to begin.

I don't know if it's very obvious to you guys or not, but I hate change. It's very hard for me to deal with, because I hate feeling like things can spin so far out of my control.

So here's what's happened lately...

1) Gavin and I finally hooked up. Three weeks ago. And I haven't spoken to him since. The whole experience, while immediately satisfying, has left me feeling very...melancholy. Empty.

2) My mom is leaving my dad. No particular reason really, except that she suddenly "can't stand living with him." She moved out of their house today.

3) I haven't spoken to Sophie in weeks. She's so....absent these days, it hurts. And I'm angry with her too, especially in light of everything that's been going on with my family.

4) I've decided to see a therapist. My first session is next Tuesday.

((Sigh))

So that's everything. I think.

I'm just so...depressed, and so dissatisfied, and so lonely. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to stop stressing, and thinking all these negative things. I don't WANT to be this way, I just can't help it.

That's why I decided to give therapy a try. At least I'll finally have someone to confide in. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. About anything. No one knows about my parents, except Izzie. And she's been busy, so we only had a brief conversation a few weeks ago, and I haven't talked to her since. Things with my Mom have been really strained. I feel like she's betraying our family. Like she's been lying to me my whole life about the values and morals she's been preaching for the last 25 years. I feel like I don't even know her.

And I had been thinking about moving away, to go to photography school and everything, but now I'm afraid to. Because I don't want to leave my Dad here all alone, to fend for himself, when he probably needs family the most. And I DON'T want to turn into Sophie, who never calls anybody. ((Sigh!)) I'm so angry with her! Doesn't she know that I need her?? Does it never cross her mind that maybe I could use someone to talk to who actually knows what's going on?!

I don't think it crosses anyone's mind how I might be feeling.

I have no one. Literally. No one.

Do you know what that's like??

To literally lay awake at night, just going through a list of people in your mind, wondering who you could call and talk to, but...NO ONE comes to mind?????

I went all the way to the movie theater this afternoon to meet up with Ali and Taryn and as soon as I got there, I turned around and went back home because I can no longer stand to keep up these pretenses. Pretending I'm happy, and that nothing's wrong. It's all becoming too heavy to carry around. Surprisingly, the only place I feel somewhat normal is at work. I just read all day, and have light small talk with the girls in my office. There's nobody to pry. Nobody who's expected to care, or even expected to pretend to. Nobody who would know whether or not I'm ok anyway. It's almost like being anonymous, but yet, not alone. Does that make sense? It's like having background noise. Pleasant background noise. And I can escape in my book, and not have to think about anything.

I wish I could just do that forever. Or at least until all this is over and the dust has settled. I'm just so disappointed. In everyone. In everything.

The Wall

I've hit it. The Wall. In fact, I haven't just hit The Wall, I've broken through The Wall, and now I am indefinitely on the other side of it.
And I like it here.
No more drama.
I don't wanna deal with it.
I don't wanna hear about it.
I'm sick of giving out advice to people who don't listen, they just want to hear themselves talk.
I'm sick of trying to please everyone else.
I'm tired of always trying to be everyone's "Best Friend", when I can't really say the same for many of them.
So, I'm done.
They are out there, and I am in here.
And that's the end of that.

Last night after our extended family dinner, Todd and I went out for a couple drinks. I asked him about Laura. And he basically told me he's not even thinking about marriage! He's too young, and he won't know if he wants to marry Laura until he's ready to think about it. A smart approach too, if you ask me. And I asked him if ever thought about being single, or you know, wondered what he could be missing out on. And he said he thinks about it all the time. And that he knows if he was single, he'd be living the dream right now. So after our conversation, I'm sure of 2 things:

1) He definitely plans on being single sometime in the near future, at least before he plans on being married.
2) He's not sure he wants to marry Laura.

So I guess...I just have to keep waiting for the right moment. He did bring up and old pact we made, that if we turned 30 and still weren't married, we'd marry each other. Lol. I was pleasantly surprised he remembered that.
"Well then you don't have much time, Todd!" I said, "In 5 years, you're gonna have to tell Laura 'Sorry, I've got other obligations!'"
We laughed about that.
Then he invited me to another one of his games!! Two more free tickets!!! Which of course, I absolutely could not refuse! I had so much fun last time, I wouldn't miss it for the world!! So I definitely need to start saving all my money! It's not gonna be like last time with a free place to stay. Although I guess I could stay at Todd's place. But he lives outside the city, so that's not always safe when you're out drinking all night...
So anyway, I decided to bring my friend Amy. I don't think I've ever mentioned her name in my blog before, because she and I have never really hung out just the 2 of us before. I mean I know I've mentioned her, just never by name, cuz it wasn't really relevant. But I've known her for like 3 years, and I love her to death, and she's very down-to-earth. Plus, she's my age, and more mature than some of my other girlfriends. And of course she's dying to go, but there's a catch. She, of course, is a bartender too, and she's not sure yet if she'll be able to get off that weekend. But she said she'll tell me tomorrow night whether or not she can swing it. And if she can't go, I dunno who to invite! I mean...I'm definitely not bringing the same crew as last time. And definitely not bringing Melissa (remember the Dallas incident!??). I want somebody single, who I can have fun with, without any tears, fights, or other miscellaneous drama!
I thought about asking Misty, Mr. S.'s fiance, but she said she has to work that day. So...I dunno! Anybody have any ideas? I'm
starting think maybe I really should get some new friends...

After Todd dropped me off, I sent him a text that said, "Todd, promise me that no matter what happens, or who you marry, or who I marry, that we'll always be friends??"
And he said, "That is a promise... We will always be friends no matter what."
:)

So this Saturday, I'm off work. Mr. S. coerced me into picking up a Sunday football shift, and I agreed under the condition that he give me Saturday night off. And it's Ali's birthday weekend, so I'm gonna go out with her crew. And I'm hoping, just a little bit hoping, that I'll run into Law School that night. Izzie agreed that if I don't hear from him by this weekend, I'd probably be safe just sending him a friendly text saying I'll be out Saturday night, if he's out too, and wants to meet up somewhere. You know, very nonchalant and non-implicit. So..we'll see. Once I'm out, I'm usually pretty good about not texting boys, because I'm so busy having fun, and you know, living in the moment! Which is good. But we'll see what happens...

I may hang out with Todd again tonight. He doesn't have anything going on, but I'm still pretty tired from staying out too late with him last night! And we were only out till like midnight. But my brain just can't handle it anymore!! Lol. So we'll see. If we do make plans, I'm definitely gonna need a nap first!

By the way, aren't you guys glad I've been posting so frequently??

Just Fade Away...

Today, after work, I met up with one of my coworkers from the bar, Aaron, for coffee. Aaron is probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. And he's insanely goofy! He recently got married, and he gives really good advice, and he and I were working behind the same bar this past Saturday, and started having a conversation that we didn't get to finish. So he suggested we meet for coffee. And yes, the conversation was about Brandon.

We talked for about two and a half hours, and it was probably the best conversation I've had with anyone on the topic so far. He really peeled away all the crap that's covering Brandon, and our relationship, and showed me what's underneath. He gave me advice on what I should do, and how I should behave at work, and he gave me his opinions on Brandon, and on my situation. And I really feel a lot better now.

Even though I've known for a while that Brandon and I aren't meant to be together, the lingering feelings I had just kept pulling me back. Because in the very beginning of our relationship, things were great! And I was just clinging onto that for some reason. But, Brandon hasn't been the person I fell in love with , in a long time. In fact, since then he's become selfish, mean, and competitive to the point where things at work become tense. And, as Aaron pointed out, the reason is because he has convinced himself that he is the best. He doesn't want anyone to be better than him, and he doesn't give himself room to improve because he thinks he's already the best. Which is why he doesn't like anyone correcting him at work. But he's forgotten the most important thing. To be the best, you have to be the best person that you can be, and you have to be well-rounded in doing so. You have to want to be the best friend, the best boyfriend/girlfriend, the best brother, sister, son, daughter, father or mother. Not just the best bartender. Not just the best golfer. And Brandon never cared to be the best boyfriend to me, because that would have required him to make some sacrifices. And he's so wrapped up in himself, that he doesn't want to do that.

I never thought about it that way.

Aaron also pointed out that Brandon's juvenile behavior the other night was just a play to get a reaction out of me. And it worked! And he says if I just accept Brandon, not ignore him, not be overly friendly, but just accept him, it will help me to move on, and it will drive him nuts. And if I just don't give in, he'll end up making a fool out of himself, which will be unattractive to me, and help me get over him. Because he wants to get attention from me, he wants to get a reaction out of me. He likes knowing that I still care about him. And I cannot, under any circumstances, give him that satisfaction. And he's gonna jab at me a few times, maybe even do something drastic, like make out with a girl in front of me, to try to get a reaction, but I just have to be strong, and not give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. And eventually he'll just fade away....

We talked about a lot more things, but overall, I learned that I just need to tell myself, and everyone else, that I don't care, and truly mean it, because I know he's not what I want. And it's not going to be easy, but I'm on my way. ((Sigh))

So...hopefully I can stay in this frame of mind that I'm in right now. And I'm really thankful to Aaron for taking the time to sit and talk with me. He and I don't really hang out too much, because he works 2 jobs, and he's married and all. I do hang out with his wife, Trina every now and then. They're like the perfect couple. I mean, obviously nothing is perfect, but they are one of the best models for a relationship of anyone I know. So, I think if anyone can give good relationship advice, it's Aaron.

Well, I don't really have anything else exciting to report. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm getting through this. I am determined to get through this! And hopefully, once I'm back to my old happy-go-lucky self again, the right guy will come along.

Finally Getting Somewhere

I took the job!

I start Wednesday.

As for everything else...I'm going down to 2 nights a week bartending. Just Friday and Saturday. And Brandon and I are...just friends. Really, actually, just friends. I really don't expect anything, other than friendship. And even though sometimes, I find myself hoping that maybe something could come from us being friends, I'm trying to let it go, and just...move on. And surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. I still have my breakdown moments, and it's a little weird at work, because I find myself slipping into my old habits of just...completely ignoring him. But then he walks up and starts talking to me, and I have to remind myself that it's ok! ((Sigh))

Anyway, I'm moving on with my life. This new job should be a nice change of pace, and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

The Last Supper

Well...the date didn't exactly go as planned. He showed up late, I could tell he didn't really want to be here, and he was drunk! Not hammered or anything, but buzzed, and obviously under the influence.

And he doesn't want a relationship right now.

It's over.

I don't know why he keeps dragging me through the mud like this. Why would he want to spend time with me, without sex, if he didn't care?? But he flat out told me that he just doesn't care enough to want to be in a relationship with me.

So I don't know what I'm going to do now. ((Sigh))

I've already spent the whole night, crying and kicking myself for letting him do this to me again. I feel like I'm back to where I was 2 months ago. I've accomplished nothing, other than reopening my heart to him, so he could break it all over again. And now I just...don't want to think about it anymore.

My interview yesterday went really well. So well, in fact, that I got a call this morning from my contact (the guy who got me the interview), and he told me they want to offer me the job! They just want to make sure I want the job. And I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm going to take it. I have nothing to lose at this point, and I can only move upwards from here, so why not? When I spoke to him, he asked me what I thought, and I said I was surprised! I mean, I went into it knowing I was the least qualified, and I honestly didn't expect them to offer me the job. So I said I needed a couple days to think about it, and he said no problem, to call him back this weekend.

I called my mom and talked to her, and a couple of my friends, and I think this job will be a good opportunity for me. So...hopefully it's still available. I definitely need to make that call soon.

I Want I Want!!

Annnnd yet another one of my friends has gotten married. My good friend Dan from college. He was always that dorky, irresponsible, perpetually single guy that you never thought would end up married.
Married.
On Sunday.
((Sigh))
I am happy for him, I mean, as goofy as he was back then, he's a good guy. I just...can't help but wonder if I'll ever get married, and how long I'm gonna have to wait around. ((Sigh))
I mean I love Brandon, and he's the best boyfriend I've had yet, but I know he's not thinking about marriage. And I don't think he will anytime soon.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm sitting around, pining, and planning my dream wedding in my head or anything. Just every once in a while, I see someone's wedding photos, or you know, another one of my married friends pops out a baby, and I just wonder if my life will ever get past this...plateau.
Did I mention that Izzie had her baby?? I really need to get up to Austin and see them!
Anyways, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I'm at a point in my life where this transitional phase needs to end, but I don't know how to make the next step forward. I think I know which direction I wanna go it, but how??? Practically nobody's hiring right now!
And every time I do a job search, if I manage to find an open position, the description is filled with all this...technical jargon that I can hardly understand! How am I supposed to know if I'm qualified if I can't even understand what the job position is??? ((SIGH!)) It's so frustrating.
I want to move on with my life. I'm tired of being a college graduate with nothing to show for it. I'm tired of bartending. I'm tired of living in an apartment, with no savings, and living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of living this...bachelor's lifestyle. I'm not even a bachelor!!
I'm a smart girl, I have a degree from a great university, I'm attractive, and outgoing, and I want a real job, and I want to get married before I turn 30!!!
Are any of my readers in their 30's? Have any of you been where I am, felt the way I'm feeling, and gotten through this?? Does anybody have some sound advice for me?? Cuz I could really use it.

Ditched?

Well...tonight was supposed to be my second date with Brady. But...I never heard from him. All day!
And honestly? I don't really care.
It was just one of those things where we met, and we liked each other, and had a good time together, but...we just didn't click. There was no spark. And I didn't really see it going past this week. So I guess maybe Brady figured he'd cut his losses early. Meh... It stung a little at first that he didn't even call to cancel, but whatever. I'm over it.
Baseball Guy on the other hand, has been texting me nonstop! He's in Texarkana right now with his team, for a couple of games. And I know I should feel happy, and flattered even that he's paying me so much attention (maybe he's just bored?), but it's almost annoying! I mean he's been texting me all day, every day since the night we met! And mostly he just complains! About the heat, about getting up early for workouts, his AC in his hotel room not working, the crappy movie he just watched... The list goes on.
Alyssa says maybe he just wants something to talk about, and he doesn't really have anything else exciting going on at the moment. So I hope that's what it is. But that didn't stop me from sending him a text that read: There's no crying in baseball! ;)
Lol.

Alyssa and I went out to dinner tonight at Carl's restaurant. He totally gave us all our drinks for free, and even sent over a "birthday" dessert, complete with a sparkler. Lol. It was fun though. Then we went back to Russ's house (he's on a mission trip out of the country right now) and watched The Other Boleyn Girl, which was excellent, yet morbidly depressing. I'm certain that Queen Anne must have been a crackpot. Lol.
Anyways, it was great to have some girl time, and to do something low key on my night off. I'm really kinda burned out on the midtown bar scene lately. It's always the same places, the same people, the same story... And I'm just getting tired of the Go! Go! Go! in my tall stiletto heels, if you know what I mean. It's nice to be able to sit somewhere quiet with a bottle of wine, or a marg and just...talk! So that's what I've been doing lately.
Anyway, I have this feeling that Daniel and WTP are already broken up. I didn't wanna ask Alyssa outright, but I'm pretty sure he's already gotten tired of her. Which doesn't surprise me.
But I find myself wondering, almost wishing, he'll come back to me. Then I slap myself mentally for thinking that and immediately launch into the list of reasons why I hate Daniel. ((sigh))
Why can't I just get over him already!?


P.S. I've noticed that sometimes you guys ask me questions in my comments, so here's your chance! Any questions you may have for me, please ask in a comment, and I'll answer all of them in my next post. As long as they're not vulgar, or pertaining to my identity, of course.
Look forward to hearing from you all!

What Am I?

I've been suspended. Yea. Suspended from work for 2 weeks. For something I didn't even do! And the worst part is...I'm not even mad about it, I'm just...sad. Supposedly I wasn't ringing up drinks or something. But let me tell you what happened.
An old regular came in who had been out of town for a while. He ordered 6 shots from me at my well. Then he asked if I could bring them to him all the way at the opposite end of the bar. And of course, I had to say I would, since he's a customer. So I said sure. Then, as I'm making his shots, Jenna comes up and orders some drinks on her tab. So I finish up the shots, and then hand her her drinks real quick so I can dart to the other side of the bar and give this guy his shots. When I get down there and start handing them to him, Mr. P. walks up and asks me what I'm doing down there. I explained, and then he said, "Well you better hurry up and get back over there, there's waitress tickets printing out." So I run back over to the other side of the bar to grab the ticket, and make it. Then Blinn approaches me and asks if I rang the stuff up. I said, "Not yet, I had to bring all the drinks way down there, and then Mr. P. practically yelled at me to get back over here, so I told the customer I'd be right back to get his money." And of course, I knew he wasn't gonna run off without paying me, cuz he's a regular and he's good for it. Then he starts questioning me about Jenna's drinks, and asking me if I rang hers up. And I told him she had a tab started. So I go back over to the other side when I'm done being interrogated, and I get the guy's money, go to the computer, and ring up his shots, and Jenna's drinks all at once. End of story.
The rest of the night was pretty shitty I might add...
Then at the the end of the night, Blinn says he wants to talk to me in the office. And of course I knew what it was about. He tells me 2 people told him I wasn't ringing up drinks. I dunno if he made that up to see if I'd "confess", or if 2 people really did say that, but I explained the whole situation to him. And all he could say to me was, "Well you've been working here long enough to know better. It's action/transaction. And (Mr. P.) and I talked about it for like 10 minutes, and we decided to suspend you for 2 weeks. So just...come back tomorrow and you can pick up your tips, and call us in like 10 days and we'll tell you your schedule." I mean, I'm literally still in shock about this. I asked him when I supposedly did this, and what the drinks were, trying to figure out exactly was he talking about. But he couldn't give me any specifics. So I told him that if I ever didn't ring anything up, it wasn't because I was trying to hoodwink anybody, it would have been an honest mistake. And I honestly couldn't think of any drinks I hadn't rung up tonight! I mean seriously! And mostly I'm shocked because the whole way home, all I could think about is why do I keep trying to prove myself to these people!? I mean, I shouldn't have to. I do my job, and I do it damn well, for one. And secondly, I have a degree. (Which is a lot more than I can say for a lot of the idiots I work with!) Why am I wasting my time trying to get in the good graces of a couple bar owners!? They're not gonna get me anywhere in life! I mean...I literally bend over backwards for these people, and do I ever get a pat on the back?? NO. All I get is criticized for a mistake that I didn't even make, because maybe someone thought they saw me do something. Don't they trust me?? Why can't they just give me the benefit of the doubt? I mean I can't afford to not work for 2 weeks!
And to top it all off, I had been really looking forward to the employee over-night party at Lake Conroe, which is the Sunday after next. But now I think I might just cross my name off the list since I will still technically be "suspended" at that time. ((sigh)) I don't even wanna show my face in there. I have half a mind to quit. Except I don't wanna just throw in the towel. I don't deserve this punishment! And I don't wanna let them get the best of me. Ugh. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Who knows...
I'm gonna spend this 2 weeks putting some feelers out and trying to find a real job. And I might get in touch with some of my contacts in the industry and see if anyone needs a bartender for next weekend...or this weekend, since I'm suddenly off tomorrow. Sometimes I just...hate my life. Why do these things always happen to me?? I mean...nothing ever goes right. Nothing.
Driving home, I just wanted someone to call and talk to, and I had no one to call! I can't get a guy to stick around for longer than a week, which apparently is enough time to screw me over, and I can't even manage to get my fucking bar managers to like me. I work in a fucking bar. I mean come on. What have I accomplished??
A huge fat nothing. That's what I have. Nothing.

Feed My Skeptic Side

Sometimes I am just filled with hope.
Hope for today, hope for tomorrow...

But, hope continues to let me down it seems.
Sometimes, all a person really needs is for someone to care.

I'm tired of waking up and feeling like maybe my life is a vacuous existence.
I need something, or someone to live for.
I don't mean "live" in the literal sense of the word.
I mean live, like really live.
To feel alive.

What do you do when your best just isn't good enough?

Why are people so selfish, and so afraid of taking chances?
It seems like every time I truly open up to someone, they hesitate- afraid.
Or they take advantage - selfish.

Is this what the world comes down to?
The Selfish and The Afraid.
Are you always going to look out for you, or just do what feels right?

I want to accomplish something meaningful.
Something I can be proud of.

And I want a kiss that is so real, I completely lose track of time and place.

I want change.
I need change.

Here ends my late night rant...