Obliviate

Sometimes I wish it was possible to completely erase someone from your memories. As if they were never there. You could forget all the memories you ever had of them, and you'd never have to think about them again. Just...Obliviate, like in Harry Potter.
But then I wonder, if it were possible, would I do it? Could I do it? Is it better to have memories, even good memories, if all they do is make you sad? Or is it better to just not have them at all?

Another Missed Opportunity

((Sigh)) Well I spend the last couple days in a depressed funk. Sunday I didn't eat at all, and spent the evening polishing off a bottle of wine and crying, alone, in my apartment, like the pathetic spinster I apparently am. It just totally caught me off guard. I mean I just talked to Todd last week about getting together over Christmas break. And now I have to hang out with him and his fiancé and it's just going to be an awkward, depressing, bitter experience for me. I mean I know we have drifted apart and our friendship has undergone a lot of strain over the past couple years, but... I just didn't expect him to get engaged. Especially not so soon. And especially not to her. I dunno why, I mean, they've been living together for a while now, and they've been together for long enough that I should have seen it coming. I guess I just thought...7 years...if he hasn't figured out whether or not he wants to marry her yet, then it's probably not meant to be. And I always thought there would be another chance for him and me... I mean I've always had this Taylor Swift "You Belong With Me" feeling about Todd. Literally, that song pretty much describes our friendship perfectly, at least it did at one point. I dunno, now I just feel foolish, and disappointed, and so....empty. Another day, another opportunity missed.

The Place Where I Belong

If I get a little sad/discouraged/depressed/start feeling sorry for myself every time I see that another person in my social circle has gotten engaged or married, does that make me a selfish person??
Cuz I've been feeling that a lot lately. Two engagements and one wedding within a week. Ugh... It just makes me feel so inadequate. So...lonely.
And not just for a significant other, but for my family and my friends. I know I have Sophie, but she's talking about moving to NYC next year, and one good friend isn't always enough. Over the past year+ that I've been here in Chicago, I've learned something really important: that you should never take your friends for granted. Because true friends, the friends you stay in touch with for years and years, the friends you can always count on, the friends who you're not afraid to cry in front of, are really hard to find. And they're even harder to replace.
I guess I'm getting a bit homesick. It's weird because I finally have my own place here, and I actually do feel "at home", but I still feel alone. I mean I have Abbie, but she's not Izzie. She's not Jenna. She's not Taryn. I miss them all so much. Which brings me to my next point...
I'm thinking about moving to Austin. When I finish school I mean. NOLA is still in the running of course, but Austin may now be a close contender. My trip down there is only in a couple more weeks, so perhaps that will paint a clearer picture for me.
But how will I know when I've found the place where I belong? Not just geographically, but career-wise, relationship-wise, friendship-wise? Am I too late to be asking myself these questions??

Give Up

I think I'm literally having the worst day of my life. I went to the lake with Jasper today to take pictures for my project that's due this week. The sun was out, it was a great day for shooting. I had my tripod and everything set up, and we were at the harbor, where it's flat and cement, good surface for a tripod. Well as I'm taking a picture, a huge gust of wind comes and blows my tripod camera and all into the lake. It's still there, somewhere 9 feet under the freezing cold water, never to be seen again.
Brand new $1400 camera gone. Lens gone. Tripod gone. Project gone. Memory card gone. Pictures gone.
LIFE gone.

This is the second time in 2 weeks that I've suddenly been confronted with a situation where I need to spend thousands of dollars. Last week it was the dentist, now this. I can't stop balling, I'm just so devastated. NOw I don't have a camera, and I can't finish my project for school. I mean, photography is the main reason I came up here to this fucking concrete jungle and now I don't even have a camera! I JUST bought that camera! What am I going to do/??? I just wanna die right now. I can never seem to get anything fucking right. EVerything is a mistake. I just keep FUCKING EVERYTHING UP!!? I just wanna quit school and move back to Houston and be done with it. I've failed. And I have NO ONE here. NO ONE. I've called my mom like 12 times and even she doesn't answer. I've drifted apart from all the good friends I had in Houston, and I don't really have any good friends here. At least none that I can call when I'm crying hysterically. I don't have a boyfriend, or someone to hold me when I'm sad or just need a shoulder to cry on. There's just Sophie. And I hardly ever see her. I just wanna give up.
I wanna give up on everything.

Tired of Waiting

I'm starting to really worry that I'm never going to find the right guy.

It's so frustrating because I'm ready to start "the rest of my life" and I want to do that with someone, but it's like I'm completely helpless to the situation, and all I can do is wait! I'm tired of waiting!

And it's not that I feel acute loneliness but I mean...I ate at a restaurant today by myself, because I just didn't have anyone to go with.

((Sigh))

Don't get me wrong, I like being by myself most of the time, and I enjoyed sitting at the bar, reading my book, and eating my fish tacos, but I wish I at least had the option of having someone's company. And pretty soon I'm not going to be considered ripe and young anymore. I'll be middle aged, and all the good guys will be taken by all the 22 year old girls.

Tonight at work, I was practically called a cougar by a 21 year old guy I work with. He said that cougars are between 30 and 50 (which is SOO NOT true, but still). He obviously doesn't know how old I am or he might not have said that, but I'm going to be 27 in a month. A MONTH! And I'm no closer to finding the right guy than I was 10 years ago. I'm afraid I've gotten too comfortable with being single.

What am I doing wrong? Or what am I not doing that I should be doing??

Maybe I should start going to some sporting events. As if I have the time...

((Sigh))

I'm Considering Stripping

No really, but I feel so out of my league right now. Why did I think I could do this? I'm drowning.

I have no money. No money for rent. No money for groceries. No money for bills.

I'm supposed to start the new job next week, but I can't attend training, because I have class, and they only gave me 2 shifts. One of which I also can't work, because I have class. I mean I gave these people my schedule, WTF!?

Jenna's starting to really bother me. She hasn't once called me since I've moved, but she keeps texting me asking if I've bought my bridesmaid dress. Which obviously, I haven't because I have NO MONEY! Now I think I'm going to have to pull out of the wedding altogether. I sure as hell can't afford 2 plane tickets for a wedding and a bachelorette party.

And Dane cashed my security deposit check without telling me. He said he wasn't going to cash it, and that it was just going to go towards my last month's rent. But he did, and now I'm unexpectedly out another $500. And he still hasn't even cashed my January rent check, which is now going to bounce. Not to mention, I have to pay February rent in like 4 days.

My parents can't help me, because my Mom doesn't have money, and my Dad apparently did something stupid, that he won't tell anyone about, and had to take out a loan from the bank. And he's usually pretty well off. The only money I have coming to me is my $150 deposit from my last apartment, and my tax return, if it ever gets here.

I just don't know what to do! I have no one.

Why did I think I could do this??

Disappointed

((Sigh))

I think I miss blogging.

I know I've been posting something here and there, just when I need to get something out, but...I dunno. It's like I wanna blog, but I don't. I'm just such a total mess right now, I don't even know where to begin.

I don't know if it's very obvious to you guys or not, but I hate change. It's very hard for me to deal with, because I hate feeling like things can spin so far out of my control.

So here's what's happened lately...

1) Gavin and I finally hooked up. Three weeks ago. And I haven't spoken to him since. The whole experience, while immediately satisfying, has left me feeling very...melancholy. Empty.

2) My mom is leaving my dad. No particular reason really, except that she suddenly "can't stand living with him." She moved out of their house today.

3) I haven't spoken to Sophie in weeks. She's so....absent these days, it hurts. And I'm angry with her too, especially in light of everything that's been going on with my family.

4) I've decided to see a therapist. My first session is next Tuesday.

((Sigh))

So that's everything. I think.

I'm just so...depressed, and so dissatisfied, and so lonely. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to stop stressing, and thinking all these negative things. I don't WANT to be this way, I just can't help it.

That's why I decided to give therapy a try. At least I'll finally have someone to confide in. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. About anything. No one knows about my parents, except Izzie. And she's been busy, so we only had a brief conversation a few weeks ago, and I haven't talked to her since. Things with my Mom have been really strained. I feel like she's betraying our family. Like she's been lying to me my whole life about the values and morals she's been preaching for the last 25 years. I feel like I don't even know her.

And I had been thinking about moving away, to go to photography school and everything, but now I'm afraid to. Because I don't want to leave my Dad here all alone, to fend for himself, when he probably needs family the most. And I DON'T want to turn into Sophie, who never calls anybody. ((Sigh!)) I'm so angry with her! Doesn't she know that I need her?? Does it never cross her mind that maybe I could use someone to talk to who actually knows what's going on?!

I don't think it crosses anyone's mind how I might be feeling.

I have no one. Literally. No one.

Do you know what that's like??

To literally lay awake at night, just going through a list of people in your mind, wondering who you could call and talk to, but...NO ONE comes to mind?????

I went all the way to the movie theater this afternoon to meet up with Ali and Taryn and as soon as I got there, I turned around and went back home because I can no longer stand to keep up these pretenses. Pretending I'm happy, and that nothing's wrong. It's all becoming too heavy to carry around. Surprisingly, the only place I feel somewhat normal is at work. I just read all day, and have light small talk with the girls in my office. There's nobody to pry. Nobody who's expected to care, or even expected to pretend to. Nobody who would know whether or not I'm ok anyway. It's almost like being anonymous, but yet, not alone. Does that make sense? It's like having background noise. Pleasant background noise. And I can escape in my book, and not have to think about anything.

I wish I could just do that forever. Or at least until all this is over and the dust has settled. I'm just so disappointed. In everyone. In everything.

Moving Backwards

Lately I've been...

I can't stop thinking about Brandon. I don't know why, or when exactly it started but, I've been having dreams, and I've been thinking about him more than usual and...

I miss him.
I wish I could call him, and talk to him and just...have someone to confide in.
It used to be out of sight out of mind with him, but I haven't actually seen Brandon in over a month. I've been out of town on weekends, and so has he, so we've been missing each other at the bar for the last several weeks. But I can't help but wonder if he still thinks about me at all. Or if he ever misses me. And I'm finding it hard to accept how much I really loved him, because...he couldn't have felt that way about me.

((Sigh))

Why am I moving backwards??

No One

Why do I feel like Todd chose Jayme over me? I don't mean in a romantic sense, I just mean...it's like he chose to date her, rather than be friends with me. I know this sounds completely irrational, it's just...I can't help but feel that way! Ugh... He sent me a text the other night that said,

"Hey Peyton! I know you don't really want to speak right now, but just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated all the pictures and frames that you set up for me. I didn't expect anything and was really blown away. Thank you so much!"

((Sigh)) I wanted to write back and say something like..."It's not that I don't want to speak to you, I just need some time", but I just didn't respond. I just feel really hurt and trampled on. It's like he hardly knows this chick, but he's known me for 20+ years and instead of really taking my advice to heart, or even just considering it, he just completely disregards everything I say, and the way this whole situation makes me feel. I mean, what if they end up staying together?!? I will never be ok with that. Never. And I hate that he would rather spend all his time with her! I wanted to hang out with Todd while he was here, and now it's like I can't even talk to him! Part of me feels like Jayme manipulated this whole situation just to get me out of the way!!
ARRRRRRRRRRGH! I know how crazy this all sounds. Completely insane. Off the reservation. Batshit crazy. I know, I know. It's just...wtf is up with all my friends lately?? Why?? It's like just when I feel like I have someone I can really count on, they throw me under the bus. And what sucks the most is that at the end of the night, you know when you get in bed, and you kinda feel like crying, but really you just need somebody to talk to? I have no one.
No one.


Quote Of The Day:
"Stupid fucking cunty bollocks..... expialidocious."

Devastated

Just found out that Todd went out with Jayme last night. They're going out again tomorrow night.
He found out how I feel about him. He obviously doesn't feel the same way.
Don't wanna talk about it.

It Just Happens.

I had one of those awful dreams again. It was my maternal grandfather this time. Commonly known to me and the other grandkids as Poppa. Usually when I have dreams about friends or family members dying, I wake up and they always seem so...implausible. But this one was different. Poppa is old, and showing the early stages of Alzheimer's. I woke up crying, I don't know what time it was. It didn't even feel as if I'd been sleeping very long, because I fell asleep crying too. Friday was the anniversary of Oliver's death. I didn't realize it till I got home from work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the date, But as soon as I realized it was the 8th...I knew. That got me thinking about how it happened, the mental image in my head of Brandon carrying my limp, lifeless puppy across the feeder road, where he laid him in a dense patch of trees. His eternal resting place. I just kept thinking that I would have never made it through that without Brandon. And that is one of the fondest memories I have of him.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.

The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.

And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.

Stupid Sh*t

Todd is home! YAYY! Our families are going out to dinner tonight, for my Dad's birthday. It's gonna be so much fun! Family, friends, and Italian food! MMMMMM...
Lately it's like, I get so excited at the thought of even getting to talk to Todd. And some may speculate it's because he's suddenly pseudo famous, but really it's just because I have a huge crush on him, and he's so busy all the time now and he lives so far away that I never get to talk to him, let alone see him. Todd and I used to see each other all the time! Even when he was away at school. So I'm really looking forward to tonight. And I'm gonna ask him if he's planning to marry Laura. I mean, rumor has it that she was hoping for a ring this Christmas, but she obviously didn't get one. And I'm thinking, if he hasn't asked her by now, I don't think he's going to! I mean, it's not like Todd doesn't have the means to support her! And they've been together for a long time. I just, honestly, all feelings for him set aside, I don't think they're meant to be together. She just has too much baggage, and emotional issues, and Todd is just so...simple and nice and logical and...drama free! SO not like Laura. But I'm gonna ask him. And I know he'll be honest with me, I'm his best friend!
Anyway, we hired a new girl at work this week, who supposedly I am going to be "working closely with". She seems nice. But I noticed that she's young and pretty, and that's got me wondering if my boss only hires young, pretty girls. Cuz there's really not an abundant supply of them around here right now. But I think I'm the first person he hired. He hasn't been in his position very long.
Well maybe she'll turn out to be really cool, and we can be friends. She actually lives on my side of town! Unlike everyone else in the office. My commute is about 45 minutes a day. Ugh...

I've been so tired at work in the mornings the past couple of days. I think it's because I got used to staying up late and sleeping in after my 4 day weekend. Plus, the project I'm currently working on has me uploading stuff that takes forever! So I literally just have to sit here, and wait for it to upload, and try not to fall asleep. ((Sigh))

I still haven't heard from Law School and he's been back since Sunday. Another ((Sigh)). And I haven't really heard from Gavin this week either. In fact, I've been rather lonely.

Oh! And let me just get something off my chest real quick.

Bethany.

I've been pretty pissed at her lately. Because you know, it's like I go from weeks without hearing from her at all, she doesn't return my messages, and she never thanked me for getting her free tickets to Todd's game (which I was pretty pissed about after all the stupid drama she ignited). And then suddenly, she breaks up with Tugg and "needs" me, and expects me to just...drop everything for her because I'm "supposed to be her best friend". And I'm thinking, Oh, so I'm supposed to be your best friend, but you don't have to be mine?? How is that fair??

I mean she was so quick to replace me with Summer as soon as I got a new job! Ugh... And you can really only say the same things to someone so many times. She's called me at all hours of the night, all weekend, going on and on about the same shit, and asking me what I think, and I just keep telling her the same shit! She already knows what I think! They need to just be apart. REALLY apart! At least for a month, if not permanently, which is what I think they need. But she doesn't ever listen to me, so I dunno why she asks for my advice anyway.

Oh, and she got mad at me, because I left an encouraging message on Tugg's Facebook page. She actually had the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't be saying nice things to him, because I'm her friend, and I'm supposed to be on her side! And I'm like, "WHAT!? That's crazy!" It's not like I went over to his house and let him cry on my shoulder or anything, it was just a stupid Facebook comment! And I asked her, if Summer broke up with Ben, would she just never speak to him again?? And of course she saw my point, but still. She's being ridiculously self-absorbed and silly. I like Tugg, regardless of their relationship status. And all she's done for the past 6 months is talk about how much she hates Tugg and can't stand him because of this and that, and how she wishes she was single, because she really likes Ben's cousin. Oh, and then there's the fact that she cheated on Tugg and slept with some guy she works with 2 months ago!! I'm just so sick of her bullshit drama! And the fact that she expects me to always be there for her, but she never seems to be there for me. Plus, she's been flirting with Todd on facebook! Everytime I leave him a comment saying "good game today" or something to that effect, she has to leave a message after me and like...one-up me or something! SO ANNOYING.

And Ali just told me that she and Tugg are trying to "date and work things out". And they went out on a date last night. OMG. If anyone can testify to how bad of an idea that is, it's me. You can't move backwards in a relationship. You can't unsay things, or undo things. And they've both said and done a lot of things to each other the last few days. And if they couldn't figure their shit out in the six years that they were together, they're sure as hell aren't going to now! Ugh...

Ok, I'm off my soapbox now, I just really needed to get that off my chest. And just so you all know, I haven't mentioned any of this to Bethany. I'm not completely insensitive, and I know she's dealing with a lot, and I'm not gonna add to it. I have tried to be there for her, and I've comforted her, and encouraged her, and all that crap. But that doesn't mean I have to like it!

Ali's birthday party is this Sunday evening and both of them are going to be there, and I just have this really bad feeling that there's gonna be drama, and the night will end up being all about Bethany and Tugg, instead of Ali. And it's her birthday!

Man, I need a stiff drink. This is the longest day ever!! I can't wait till dinner tonight. I'm sure Todd would love to hear all about my Bethany drama. Haha, jk.

Dreams

Last night I had 2 really strange dreams...
First, I dreamed I lived in an apartment, right across from Law School. And I was playing with Jasper in the living room of my apartment, and I happened to notice Law School, through the window of his apartment. My blinds were halfway drawn, so he couldn't really see me, unless he was really looking. So I peaked through the blinds to see what he was doing, and there was a girl there! She had long, dark brown hair, and she would have been pretty, except that she had a really long, prominent nose. And she was wearing his shirt...and that's it. And they were flirting or whatever, and I just...couldn't take my eyes away from the window! I don't know why. And then he saw me! And he kinda waved, and I just pretended I was picking something up off the floor (Jasper's ball) and I kinda waved back. Then I left the window and went back to playing with Jasper, and suddenly, they were both in my living room. I don't know why, or how they got there, but that's dreams for ya! So anyways, I can't remember why they were there. I think I had something of his, maybe? But I was pissed, because here he was, the guy I like, with some chick, that he'd obviously just had sex with, in my living room! So I was kind of short with them. He made some blithe comment about them having sex, and I said, "Yea, I could feel the walls vibrating. Now both of you, out! I have to practice piano." And they scooted as I shooed them, and then I sat down at the piano and began playing a very melancholy song.

In my second dream, it was New Year's Eve, and I was at the club, with this guy, I have no idea who! He doesn't exist in real life, but I knew him in this dream. And the night started out kind of fun, and then before I knew it, I was sitting at the bar alone, wondering where all my friends were, and it was 11:48. Almost midnight. And I had this sudden sense of urgency, "Oh no! I have to get out of here! I have go to my bar, and kiss...kiss who?? I have no one to kiss!"
And then that strange guy that I was with, was suddenly sitting next to me, and then we were kissing. But I didn't really wanna kiss him, I just did, because he kissed me. Ugh... It was horrible.

Gee, I wonder what those 2 dreams mean??? It's so weird how dreams are such pure reflections of our thoughts. Anyways, Cali called me 3 times yesterday, and sent me a text, asking me if he was "in the dog house". I just didn't feel like talking to him. I needed time to process, and absorb, ya know? So I didn't respond. But by the time I got in bed last night, I decided I wasn't upset anymore. I mean, I understand how it can be hard to talk about something like that, and I know he wasn't trying to deceive me or anything it's just... I have lots of ex boyfriends, ok?? There's no reason for me to talk about any of them, because clearly they weren't for me! But I don't have any ex-husbands! I didn't make any lifetime commitments to anyone, or possibly have any children! But he did. And I don't think you can really compare a marriage to just a relationship, because it's so much more profound than that. But whatever, I'm over it now. When I got to work this morning, I had an email from him. This is what it said:

Peyton,

It's obvious that I've upset you, and my guess is that it's because I didn't tell you I was divorced. I'm sorry. In about a week from now you'll have forgotten all about me, and I just want you to know that I never intended to be deceptive, nor did I have any ulterior motives or bad intentions. I really liked you and I wanted to tell you when I thought it was right. It's apparent to me now that I should have said something earlier. I truly am sorry.
Take care Peyton, and I wish you all the best in 2010.

Kindest Regards,

[Cali]


Kindest regards??? Who says that?? ((sigh)) Well anyways, I wrote him back. And this is what I said:

Obviously, you're pretty good at making assumptions, but before you go off thinking that I hate you and never wanna talk to you again, let me just explain where I'm coming from.
I didn't feel like talking to you yesterday, because I needed some time to process that information, and I was afraid that if I did talk to you, I might end up saying something smarmy, sarcastic and mean. I mean, you drop a bomb on me, and then just expect me to blithely carry on a conversation with you as though it never happened??
Yea, I'm kinda pissed that you didn't tell me, because you pretty much assumed I would react a certain way, therefore making that decision for me, instead of letting me make the decision to react, however I would have reacted, on my own. You should know that that's not the type of thing you keep from someone you may possibly, eventually have a relationship with. Even if you think you wanna wait and tell them, the more you get to know a person, and the more time you spend with them, the harder it is to tell them, and the easier it is to avoid the subject, and ultimately, someone ends up getting pissed off, or hurt. Obviously, since we both agreed that this didn't seem to be going anywhere, it's not that big of a deal, but I just think you should know that, for future reference.
Also, I kind of feel like everything I thought I knew about you, all the opinions I formed about you, were based on half truths. So I kind of just wanted to think about things, and not deal with any bullshit. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a pretty no nonsense person, and I don't like people hiding things from me. I just put up with too much of that shit in the past.
And I find it hard to believe that you could just be totally over your ex-wife after only 6 months! I mean...I'm just barely over my ex, and we weren't even married.
Now, since I don't know the story, or the circumstances, I'm not going to make any assumptions about it, I just know that divorce can be a very messy, emotional situation. And while I understand you not wanting to tell me that you were married, I still don't agree with it.
I don't think you had bad intentions, or ulterior motives, and I wasn't going to just write you off and never speak to you again. But at this point, I kind of feel like you know a lot about me, and I obviously know nothing about you. So..how does that work?? I guess I'm just frustrated, and I really need a stiff drink.


So, I said my piece! He knows how I feel, and I think I put it pretty diplomatically. ((sigh)) Well, I know he already read it, but he hasn't written back yet. I'm sure he will though. But for now...it's back to work.

PANIC ATTACK!

Omg, I'm starting to get really nervous about New Year's Eve! What if inviting Cali was a bad idea?? What if he's not social enough for me to leave him alone?? What if he doesn't fit in with my friends? What if they don't like him?? I don't wanna have to babysit him all night, cuz when I start drinking, I'm very gregarious. I'm all over the place! Especially when I'm at a bar where I know everyone that works there. ((Sigh)) I really hope this night isn't a total disaster!!
We're supposed to meet over at Ben's house for cocktails at 7:30 and then take a cab to the bar. I got the perfect dress!! It's a plum colored, form fitting sheath, above the knee, with a sweetheart neckline. But then there's this heavily beaded piece that comes up from the middle of the bust, in a straight light, and wraps around the neck. It's so pretty! And different. Nobody will have a dress like mine! It was the only one on the rack at this really obscure boutique I love. I also got the perfect shoes to match! They're a dark, silvery grey, and there's like a small bead type design that comes up the arch and wraps around the ankle. I'll have to post pictures of my outfit later.
Anyways, I have another date with Cali tonight. Dinner and a movie. We're gonna go see Up In The Air. So, maybe I'll feel a little better about NYE after our date tonight.
On Saturday night at work, Brandon spoke to me. For the first time since...well I don't even know. He said, "Hey! How are you?" while we were both in line for the computer. I just said, "Swell!" and went about my business. And then I got to thinking, why can't he and I just be friends? I mean, it feels so weird to just cut someone completely out of my life. He was such a big part of it for a time, he knew me better than anyone, he was like my best friend! And now we don't even speak. And that kind of makes me sad. But then I think, he sure as hell wasn't a very good friend! At least not for the last 2/3rds of our relationship. A friend would never do or say the things to me that he did. But...I don't know. I think it's for the best if things just remain the way they are. It's easier that way. Not thinking about him, I mean. Maybe someday...farther down the road.
Speaking of friends, I'm starting to feel really lonely lately. And really mad, at Bethany in particular. She never calls me anymore, yet she calls me her best friend, but I've practically been replaced, with Summer! And I love Summer and all, but it's like, just because I don't work with them anymore, and I don't have a bartender's lifestyle anymore, I can't hang out with my friends anymore! They never call me, or invite me to do things, and I'm always just...by myself. Lately, I haven't been lonely so much, cuz of the holidays, but now that Sophie's gone, I can already feel things slipping back into their old routine. Summer texted me yesterday, and I mentioned that I never get to see them anymore, and she suggested that me, her and Bethany go to a movie. And I said, sure. Then when I got off work, I texted and called her, and she never answered or responded! I'm gonna be really mad if I find out they went without me and never called. ((Sigh)) I really hope I'm not losing my friends.

The End

Brandon and I finally talked last night.
A friend of mine who works at a bar near by told me she had seen him the night before, and that he told her we broke up, and it was "all me" and that he was sad. I flew off the handle and texted him. Asked him why he would tell people that I broke up with him when it was complete bullshit.
We texted back and forth for a while. Then he finally called me.
I yelled on the phone with him for a good 15 minutes.
I can't even remember everything that was said.
I don't even wanna try to remember.
All I know is that I feel so...alone.
He really just...doesn't want me.
I guess I've sort of been in denial about it all this time. Hoping that maybe there was some other underlying reason. But I've been lying to myself.
He said it was there once, but it's just...gone.
He said a bunch of other really hurtful things to me too. But then, I said some mean things as well.
After our conversation ended, I sent him a text that said,
"You know...I really wish I could feel better about all this. But for some reason, I still feel like I've lost something precious to me, even though you don't feel like you've lost anything. I honestly wish things didn't have to end this way."
And then he wrote, "I lost you!"
"No you didn't. You didn't lose me. You threw me back."
"I can't do anything to make it better!"
"You're right. There really isn't anything you could do to fix this. Ever. That's why this is so hard for me. But...I honestly believe that I could have made you happy, if you would have just let me."
"I'm sure you have have, but I fucked up too much with you"
I didn't respond to that one. Then he wrote back again.
"Peyton...I don't want you out of my life!!"
"Then you shouldn't have cut me out of it."
"I know I have me to blame for that."

That was the end of it.
I'm so heartbroken. All over again.
Why did I have to love him??

I'm putting in my 2 weeks when I get to work today. No deals, no persuading me to stay. This is it. I have to remove myself from this situation once and for all.

Moving

When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.

Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.

((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.

I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.

Sunday... ((Sigh))

It's Sunday. Normally I would be out with Bethany and/or Misty, and some other coworkers, eating and drinking the night away. Last week, Brandon and I went out to dinner and a movie.
((Sigh))
Today, I'm sitting in my living room, in the dark, watching CSI reruns. I've had a headache for 3 days now. It never goes away.

I've noticed that everyone seems keen on me going for Law School. But let's get something straight. He's a great guy and all, and I'm not denying that I've thought about it before but...
1) I'm SO not ready to even start thinking about other guys.
2) Law School and I are just friends. And I'm pretty sure I want it to stay that way.

I just don't....find myself being sexually attracted to him, or thinking of him as anything but a friend. I have missed him though, since the breakup. He's out of town for 2 weeks, visiting family. I could sure use his advice and optimism right about now.

Melissa texts me every day to see how I'm doing. I know she's just trying to help, but she just makes me feel worse. She keeps saying things like, "I saw how he was flirting with those girls at the bar, you're better off!"
I mean, why would I wanna know that anyone, other than myself, had noticed Brandon flirting with girls at work?
Maybe she's just trying to make me hate him, I dunno. I wish I could hate him.
I wish I could eat. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could get rid of this headache...

Wanting

((Sigh)) I'm still miserable. I'm trying not to be. Aderall helps. And so does work, at least when he's not around, which is rarely. But I can't eat anything, and I can't sleep. I stayed up till 7:30am this morning. And now it's almost 6am...
I just know as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll start to cry again.
And tonight after work, I couldn't stop wishing he was here, because some creepy guy from my complex was bothering me. I was taking Jaspy out for a pee, at FOUR in the morning, and this guy just walks up to me, and stands right next to me, not really saying anything, just standing there! Jasper was barking at him, and the man got scared and backed off. Good old Jaspy! :) But when Jasper ran off to find some privacy, the man moved closer again.
But still, I was totally creeped out. And he's still out there, with one other guy. They were in the pool, just sitting in the chairs, drinking beer. But now, it's like they're right outside my door! I can still hear them.
I can't help but wish that Brandon was here. Then I'd feel completely safe. ((Sigh))
I just can't believe he could just...discard me that way. Without a second thought, or a backward glance. It hurts so bad.
Last night, I wrote a poem. I couldn't stop crying, so obviously, I couldn't sleep, and all these thoughts were just flying through my head, about our relationship, and how betrayed I feel, and just...everything. I couldn't make them stop. So I just...wrote them down.
And when I finished the poem, it was like I'd released something, you know? And I finally went to sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I read the poem, and I thought... I want him to read this. I just...want him to have it. Even though it may be inconsequential to him, I just...need him to have this. Sort of like a closure type thing. I mean, I wrote for him, about him. And I figure, maybe someday, he'll look back, and he'll read it, and realize his mistakes. Whether or not that will work in my favor doesn't matter.
So I rewrote it, all nice, without all the scratchings, and I folded it up with a notecard that said,

"Brandon,
I just...wanted you to have this.

Goodbye.

Always,
Peyton"

Here is the poem. And nobody better plagiarize!!! Cuz I put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into it.

You took a sudden hold of me
When I close my eyes, you're all I see
I breathe you in, you breathe me out
Will I never know what Love's about?

You disarmed me with your boyish grin
How easy I was taken in
But had I know what was to come
I'd tell myself to just be numb

What started innocent and true
A game of cat and mouse pursuit
A path unfurled, a light to follow
The ending twisted, dark, and hollow

A heart that beats, a heart that bleeds
A heart that wants, a heart that needs
An empty shell cannot receive
With empty words I was deceived

The time, the thought, the Love I gave
All for naught, lie in my grave
Because you took it all for granted
How'd you become so disenchanted?

I wanted you, I wanted me
But what I saw, you couldn't see
Blind with fear and self preserving
You pulled away, with force unswerving

You used me up, threw me away
And now I'm supposed to be okay
When everything I Love is lost
And I'm the one to pay the cost

They say that when you lose, you learn
To appreciate what you have burned
And now it's over, dead and gone
I've given up, I have withdrawn

I hope that this is what you wanted
I'm empty too; cast out, unwanted
How can you look at me and say
I loved you then, but not today?

I've decided to call it, Not Today.
So when I got to work, there he was, standing at the door. I dropped the envelope on the table in front of him, without saying a word, and walked inside. I peeked at him reading it through the window. When he finished, he folded it all back up, put it back inside the envelope, and put it in his back pocket. I hope he doesn't throw it away.
And I'm glad that he read it, because he must know, how raw I am; how exposed; how vulnerable. How he made me that way. As much as I appear to be strong, and mad, and indifferent on the outside, that poem is really how I feel.
And now he knows.
I have nothing left to say to him.

How Much Longer?

I can't listen to music anymore.
Every song makes me think of him, or reminds me of him.

I flinch every time someone says his name.

My mom and I went and looked at some apartments today, and she really wanted to stop and eat at this one particular restaurant, which happens to be right across the street from his work. I almost had a panic attack. Seriously. My heart was racing, and my breaths were coming fast and shallow.

What is wrong with me?!

I hate feeling like he's angry with me, for any reason. It's unsettling.
And I miss him so much, that it's killing me.

Why won't he just email me, like last time.
Why won't he just miss me?

I don't know how much longer I can stand this before I start to come apart.