Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The End

Brandon and I finally talked last night.
A friend of mine who works at a bar near by told me she had seen him the night before, and that he told her we broke up, and it was "all me" and that he was sad. I flew off the handle and texted him. Asked him why he would tell people that I broke up with him when it was complete bullshit.
We texted back and forth for a while. Then he finally called me.
I yelled on the phone with him for a good 15 minutes.
I can't even remember everything that was said.
I don't even wanna try to remember.
All I know is that I feel so...alone.
He really just...doesn't want me.
I guess I've sort of been in denial about it all this time. Hoping that maybe there was some other underlying reason. But I've been lying to myself.
He said it was there once, but it's just...gone.
He said a bunch of other really hurtful things to me too. But then, I said some mean things as well.
After our conversation ended, I sent him a text that said,
"You know...I really wish I could feel better about all this. But for some reason, I still feel like I've lost something precious to me, even though you don't feel like you've lost anything. I honestly wish things didn't have to end this way."
And then he wrote, "I lost you!"
"No you didn't. You didn't lose me. You threw me back."
"I can't do anything to make it better!"
"You're right. There really isn't anything you could do to fix this. Ever. That's why this is so hard for me. But...I honestly believe that I could have made you happy, if you would have just let me."
"I'm sure you have have, but I fucked up too much with you"
I didn't respond to that one. Then he wrote back again.
"Peyton...I don't want you out of my life!!"
"Then you shouldn't have cut me out of it."
"I know I have me to blame for that."

That was the end of it.
I'm so heartbroken. All over again.
Why did I have to love him??

I'm putting in my 2 weeks when I get to work today. No deals, no persuading me to stay. This is it. I have to remove myself from this situation once and for all.


Anonymous said...

Each time you call or text him you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak. I don't know why you still do it, but it is getting hard to continue empathizing with you. I really hope things get better. Good luck with the job!

Anonymous said...

so whats going on???

Ginny said...

I Just recently read the book "he's just not that into you" and I know it sounds harsh but I think really thats what it is... hes just not that into you girl. I dont mean to sound mean, I've been in your shoes but you will safe yourself a lot of heartache in the long run if you accept the reality that Brandon was a terrible boyfriend, he does not truly love you, why settle for less? Time heals all wounds, I think creating some distance will help. With my ex... I deleted him from my cell, my email, my facebook... thats what you got to do, because otherwise he'll keep dragging you back into a messy relationship and resurfacing all the old feelings the minute you start to forget him.