Thursday, December 26, 2013
But then I wonder, if it were possible, would I do it? Could I do it? Is it better to have memories, even good memories, if all they do is make you sad? Or is it better to just not have them at all?
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
My reaction was basically this: Why? You never even took me on an actual date when we were actually "dating". And secondly, I feel like his two attempts to kiss me over the summer were merely out of convenience, because even though he still might feel something there between us, he hasn't actually tried pursuing me (until now I guess) and I don't want to date someone who is only mildly interested in me, I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. And that is exactly what I told him.
He said he knows he messed up before and he still has feelings for me and wants to try again, "the right way", taking things slowly. And he said he would like to take me out on a date this week. I told him I would think about it.
And here's my major dysfunction. On the one hand, I've had a lot of time to reflect back on our relationship (if you can even call it that), and aside from the fact that he screwed me over and then lied about it, there are so many reasons why I know he and I would never work out. He has a lot of growing up to do, and I don't think we are on the same level mentally or emotionally. He's somewhat arrogant, and that drives me crazy, and he's stubborn and closed-minded about a lot of things. And as far as guys go in general, I just don't feel like I'm missing out on anything really. I mean yea, sure, I get lonely from time to time, but I don't feel like I need a guy in my life right now. That's not to say that if somebody awesome came along I would just dismiss him but, you know. And as for the superficial things, I'm not really attracted to him in that way anymore, he's too short for me, and I am just very busy. So those are all the reasons why I should say no to going out with him.
But on the other hand, I honestly can't say when was the last time I went on an actual date! And if he really does just want to take it slow, then what's the harm in going out with him, just once for starters, and hanging out, talking, no pressure? And then of course there's the fact that we had really great sex once upon a time. But I'm far enough removed from that situation to where A) Although I know the sex was great, I don't remember it like it was me. I don't miss it; it's like it was like another version of myself sleeping with him, and even though my brain knows the sex was great, I don't get all hot and bothered thinking about it anymore because I don't really feel the connection physically or emotionally anymore and B) I'm not sure I want to put myself in a situation where if I end up sleeping with him, I'll feel like I can't stop seeing him because the sex is too good. ((Sigh))
It is really nice to be pursued in such a direct way though. It's flattering, and I like having all the power in the situation. But I don't want to do anything for the wrong reasons, and if he texts me again, I don't want him to think that answering a simple yes or no question requires me to consult a jury. By tomorrow the week will already be half over. So what do I do? Do I go out with him? Or do I avoid the situation entirely?
Monday, August 19, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Unfortunately I don't have much to write about. School is starting back up in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it sooooo bad!!! I'm taking an extra class since it's my last semester and I'm just gonna be so busy and boring. No social life for me. ((Sigh)) But the end is nigh!! I can't wait.
I have been toying with the idea of either ending this blog, or changing it into something different, or just starting a new blog all together. As you all know, I don't really post anymore. I just don't feel like I have enough exciting things to blog about anymore. No boys, no drama, nothing that makes for a super exciting read. I guess that's part of growing up. I can't complain about the no drama part anyway.
But I think if I do end the blog, I may reveal myself. Post a picture maybe...? That could be a bad idea though. If the wrong people were to come across my blog and know it was me, I could seriously offend somebody. But I'm almost in a place where I just don't care! Lol.
I feel like things are about to get really shaken up in my life. Once I finish school I mean. I'm going to do some traveling. And I'm going to move back to Houston. And Taryn and Carrie and I are talking about getting a house together! I guess I should mention that Taryn and her fiancé broke up. He dumped her, the asshole. So her and Carrie got an apartment together.
But anyway....everything is good here. Sorry again for the weird ad posts, and....maybe check back with me in a month or so.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Cheeseandrice are you fucking kidding me?! Lol. My response?
"That's funny, cuz when I saw you, I thought you really wanted to kiss me. Lol."
And that was that. He didn't mention it again, although he did text me on my birthday and told me he would take me riding whenever I want. Haha. Scooter riding just isn't the same as motorcycle riding though.
Ahhhh it's been so long since I've been on the back of a motorcycle. Not since Daniel. Remember Daniel? Check that link if you don't, because here's where he enters the story. A couple weeks ago he sent me a facebook friend request out of the blue. I thought it was strange, but I didn't really think that much of it. I get blasts from my pasts requesting me out of nowhere all the time. It just...happens. But I took my time accepting him, as not to seem all eager. Haha. But once I did, I sorta just forgot about him again.
But then yesterday morning, he instant messaged me! Just to wish me a happy birthday initially, but then he started asking how I was doing, and why I'm in Chicago, etc etc, and we ended up chatting and catching up for quite a while. My first thought was that he must have just broken up with a girl or something. Because I remember him as the type to jump from one girl to the next, always having something going on in between because he can't stand the idea of actually being single. But then who knows? I thought. It's been 5 years. Yes, FIVE YEARS. I still can't really comprehend that. But anyway, maybe he's grown up a little (ha!) or changed or something in that time. I definitely can't assume to know him anymore.
So anyway, we chatted for a bit, and then I got up and went about my day. And he sent me a message here and there, but I was busy doing shit so we weren't really talking that much. But then when I got home later that night, he messaged me again. I'll paste.
D: Hope you had great birthday. Be safe have fun.
Me: i'm already in bed lol
this is how i know i am old now
D: And thanks for chatting with me today it was really nice hearing from you
Me: lol you don't have to thank me
but you're welcome anyway
D: How old are you now actually ?
D: Ah still so young
Me: this is my last official year of youth
D: Still look like the same pretty girl I met years ago
Then we chitchatted some more and then came this:
D: I had a dream about you awhile back
D: That's why I hunted you down on Facebook totally random I added you don't you think?
Me: yes, it was quite random
are you going to tell me about this dream, or what?
my ears are burning
D: No it's kinda embarrassing
you can't just say something like that and then not tell me!
was it a sexy dream?
D: Actually that brings up something else but no no no
Can't say right now
Me: if it wasn't a sexy dream, then what's so embarassing about it1?
embarrassing for me, or embarrassing for you??
D: The dream was just really intense and I was looking for or trying to get to you but it sounds cheesy if explain it
Me: dreams are always intense
the ones you remember anyway
D: Ahhhh yea your right
Me: ok tell me
D: Lol ok fine
I had a really crazy dream about my ex too recently. we have been off and on for so long and this dream was so profound that It really said something to me and I had to finally cut it off. totally sucks but I guess that's life
Me: in my experience, if you're constantly on and off with someone, that means you can't make it work. but hell what do i know?
tell me your dream!
D: Seriously about 1 and half 2 years ago I had this dream that I found this amazing girl (like the person youre head over heals for ) and when I found her this general or high ranking military guy got in the way and basically said I had to be a part of this boot camp or military thing to be with this girl ( dreams are vague but that was implied) so I went through all this crazy shit like being stationed in different places, all this crazy boot camp stuff and conflicts with people... and throughout this experience I kept seeing this girl that I wanted to be with and she wanted to be with me, but something kept coming up and this Sergeant was like her dad, it was weird so finally I was in this other place and I finally got to where I needed to be and I found her again but then I woke up, I don't know if I actually got to be with her even though I went through all this crazy shit
But anyway when I woke up I had an image of who she was and her features and the way she ways looked and everything and the first thing I thought of was you
She resembled you so much
Me: hahahaha weird
D: I know
It was weird it was like it was you but dreams can be vague ya know
Me: that isn't embarrassing though
but yea dreams are weird
you know why??
its like when you have amnesia
and your brain can't catalog things correctly because it doesn't know what's a memory or what you just like...saw on tv or something
so everything is just jumbled up
Me: but you know what ELSE?
Me: every single face you see in your dreams is a person you've seen before
your mind never makes them up
so maybe that's why i played the role of the girl of your dreams
D: That's true
D: I did feel very intimate and close to you
Me: in the dream
When we dated
I know it was very short
Me: you were an early-intense-relationship kinda guy
i remember that
D: What do you mean ?
Me: but....it seems like another life to me almost. in some ways like a dream. being in houston.
a lot of my memories of the things i thought and felt then have changed or warped
its hard to explain
i guess i've just changed
i don't mean with you specifically
D: Yeah I totally know what you mean I'm very different
Me: i just went through a lot of shit right before i moved here
its like my life has a before and after period now
D: Well I'm sorry that your past is creeping up on you but I sorta still have feelings for you... never really stopped. not saying that means anything now but I did and still do, or I guess want you to know that youre really awesome and i did think you were sexy as fuck!
Just take it as a compliment
Me: ummmm WHAT?!
this is just really out of left field
Me: how long ago did you get out of a relationship??
i'm not...trying to be mean, but this is seriously the last thing i was expecting.
what do you mean you never stopped having feelings for me? that cannot be possible.
D: I haven't been in relationship in a long time I do those anymore lol
Me: pardon my loose use of the word "Relationship"
Me: i just use it to refer to anything...dating, casual sex, whatever
i was just referring to what you said earlier
that you recently broke things off with someone
D: We are talking about like 3 things at once now
Me: well you're the one who opened pandoras box, so you can't expect me to NOT have a million and one questions for you
D: Who me?
We'll stop being so fucking cute then
Me: oh god
D: And you should have ignored my friend request
Me: i thought about it
D: I know you did
Me: but then i thought, whats the harm?
and i figured you must have had a reason for requesting me out of nowhere, so curiosity got the better of me
D: Oh we'll there you go
Me: do you even know how long it's been since you and i saw each other?? like in person?
D: 5 years
Me: fuck has it really been that long?
D: We'll I'm sure we can figure it out
Me: how long since we dated?
D: Was it 09?
I don't remember
Me: it was 08
D: I mean how long did we date it was like month then like a week or two after
So like 2 months
Me: we dated from like april to june
D: Ahhhh you remember all this
Me: well it fell during our birthdays
i remember that* (*Actually I just looked it up on the blog! lol)
so you're saying you've had feelings for me still ALLLLL this time??
i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to call bullshit on that one
D: ok fine
That's not what I said exactly
Me: one of the other things i remember is that you were the one who ended things. although i can't remember why...lol
prettttttttttty sure it was another chick though
D: Uh no
Me: its all coming back to me now
and i'm pretty sure her name was ALSO PEYTON!
the audacity of you...lol
you may present the defense
D: No I started to see another girl named Peyton (just random) after you yes that lasted 2 weeks. She was complete trash. But that is not why I stopped taking to you. That's a fact
if you say so
well do you know why you stopped talking to me? because i don't.
i'm not even sure i knew then
D: I stopped talking to you because I was young and dumb
I liked you and was scared of commitment. i listened to Whitney too much
I wasn't a man I barely took care of myself, I wanted to be free and single
I was a total coward
Just simply immature
And I'm sorry
Peoples emotions are not to be messed with and I took a lot for granted
Me: i'm not asking for apologies
i mean i appreciate you saying all that, i do
i forgot about whitney...he was such a thorn in my side!!
lolhe had no life of his own!! always meddling in other ppls shit...
you still talk to him??
D: You know what he is exactly the same! And no
D: I totally shut him out
Me: that's good!
ppl like him never change
he had a total lezzie crush on you
D: Oh god you're not the only one to tell me that
He's just hater that's all
Me: ok...so you didn't have feelings for me all along, but you do now?
is that what you're saying?
because i don't know how that is possible either lol.
That's a trick question
Me: ok then just explain this to me:
"Well I'm sorry that your past is creeping up on you but I sorta still have feelings for you... never really stopped. not saying that means anything now but I did and still do, or I guess want you to know that youre really awesome and i did think you were sexy as fuck!"
those are your words
p.s. i know i'm awesome
D: Yeah you are
Me: but thank you for acknowledging
Me: why are you telling me this now Daniel? I am realllllllllly curious. lol.
is it just bc of that dream?
D: I can't explain why I just have been thinking about you and yes I had that dream but I sorta thought I was crazy for having it but then I thought about it again recently and I wanted to see how you where doing . I remember a lot of specific things about you that I really admired and thought you where a total foxAnd yah I really don't know what it ended I just remember being young and dumb
you're a shameless flirt, you know that??
don't act so shocked
D: I only flirt with girls with beautiful smiles and strong morals
you are SOOOOOOOO full of it!!
did you know i'm gonna be in houston next week?
Me: yea, my friends are flying me in to take their engagement photos
i'll be there for a week
D: I didn't even know you were in ChicagoBut since youre coming here I might try to steal a couple kisses if I get the chance
Me: i'm going to bed now
but you have my number still?
D: Don't be mad
Me: [my number]
D: Too cute
call me or something before next week
that way you won't be all weird when i see you
Sorry that was so long, but it was just too much to paraphrase, and I think the language is important. I want your opinions people! I'm going to Houston next Wednesday to shoot Taryn's engagement photos. So I'll most likely see Daniel, and maybe even go for a motorcycle ride ;)
But what do you guys think? Is he full of shit? Or does it even matter since I'll probably only see him a couple times and then not for a really long time, if ever, once I move back. He's just so...
I know how this goes, ya know? He acts super interested and I get used to talking to him or whatever, just like with BJ and then suddenly BAM! He's gone. But I guess it's irrelevant anyway. What are the chances of this actually working out? Who says I even want it to work out??
All I know is, right now I feel like I have something more to look forward to on my trip to Houston. Even if it is just a stolen kiss.
Monday, February 25, 2013
So this post isn't really going to have much to do with what's happening in my life right now BUT...
I've been rereading/catching up on The Mortal Instruments series, in light of the new book coming out next month, and the movie in August. And I'm sort of pissed about most of the cast that they chose for the movie. Sooooo I created my own cast! And I wanted to share it here. Have any of you guys read the books?? What do you think of my choices? Keep in mind, this is based on looks alone (mostly), from the descriptions in the books.
I actually do like Lily Collins for Clary, but only if her hair is like this!! I'm pretty sure, based on the stills I've seen that in the movie, it's a darker, more fake looking red. I soooo wish she'd dyed it like this for the role cuz I really think she pulls it off well.
Jace... Now he's the character I'm the MOST pissed about, because A) Jamie Campbell Bower is hideously ugly, and even if he is attractive to some, he does NOT have A&F Model looks as described in the books. Also, JCB is BRITISH. Jace is AMERICAN. Well, he's technically from Idris, but still, he spent most of his life in New York and therefore would NOT have a British accent.
But I had kind of a hard time choosing a guy to play Jace, so I narrowed it down to 3. Who's your fav?
Hayden Christensen - super hot, but might be a tad old to pull off a teenager...
Alex Pettyfer. I actually hate this guy, but he has the perfect look, and definitely the arrogance.