Thursday, December 26, 2013


Sometimes I wish it was possible to completely erase someone from your memories. As if they were never there. You could forget all the memories you ever had of them, and you'd never have to think about them again. Just...Obliviate, like in Harry Potter.
But then I wonder, if it were possible, would I do it? Could I do it? Is it better to have memories, even good memories, if all they do is make you sad? Or is it better to just not have them at all?

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Brazil is Back

Over the last couple of months, Brazil and I have chatted here and there, our conversations always initiated by him. But his texts have become more and more frequent as of late, and yesterday he finally said, "I wanna take you out on a date."
My reaction was basically this: Why? You never even took me on an actual date when we were actually "dating". And secondly, I feel like his two attempts to kiss me over the summer were merely out of convenience, because even though he still might feel something there between us, he hasn't actually tried pursuing me (until now I guess) and I don't want to date someone who is only mildly interested in me, I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. And that is exactly what I told him.

He said he knows he messed up before and he still has feelings for me and wants to try again, "the right way", taking things slowly. And he said he would like to take me out on a date this week. I told him I would think about it.

And here's my major dysfunction. On the one hand, I've had a lot of time to reflect back on our relationship (if you can even call it that), and aside from the fact that he screwed me over and then lied about it, there are so many reasons why I know he and I would never work out. He has a lot of growing up to do, and I don't think we are on the same level mentally or emotionally. He's somewhat arrogant, and that drives me crazy, and he's stubborn and closed-minded about a lot of things. And as far as guys go in general, I just don't feel like I'm missing out on anything really. I mean yea, sure, I get lonely from time to time, but I don't feel like I need a guy in my life right now. That's not to say that if somebody awesome came along I would just dismiss him but, you know. And as for the superficial things, I'm not really attracted to him in that way anymore, he's too short for me, and I am just very busy. So those are all the reasons why I should say no to going out with him.

But on the other hand, I honestly can't say when was the last time I went on an actual date! And if he really does just want to take it slow, then what's the harm in going out with him, just once for starters, and hanging out, talking, no pressure? And then of course there's the fact that we had really great sex once upon a time. But I'm far enough removed from that situation to where A) Although I know the sex was great, I don't remember it like it was me. I don't miss it; it's like it was like another version of myself sleeping with him, and even though my brain knows the sex was great, I don't get all hot and bothered thinking about it anymore because I don't really feel the connection physically or emotionally anymore and B) I'm not sure I want to put myself in a situation where if I end up sleeping with him, I'll feel like I can't stop seeing him because the sex is too good. ((Sigh))

It is really nice to be pursued in such a direct way though. It's flattering, and I like having all the power in the situation. But I don't want to do anything for the wrong reasons, and if he texts me again, I don't want him to think that answering a simple yes or no question requires me to consult a jury. By tomorrow the week will already be half over. So what do I do? Do I go out with him? Or do I avoid the situation entirely?

Monday, August 19, 2013


I often wonder when it happened. When my life changed so much. If I could pinpoint the exact moment, or even just the day, when I would wake up and my life would be so different. All my friends married with kids, my life on a completely new and strange path, the unknown always so inevitable, and yet also somehow inviting. I used to hate change. I was afraid of it. I liked the comfort of knowing what to expect. But now I hate to think that everything will be the same for me. Sometimes I feel like I've been living in a time capsule. A place where I stay the same, and everything and everyone around me keeps moving forward, growing older, changing. But I don't feel any different on the inside really. It's like I blinked and everything around me just shifted. I used to get really melancholy about it; take it personally, as if I'd been left behind. Now though...it's like I'm on the side of the highway. I see the cars passing me by, and I acknowledge them, but I don't really give them that much thought. Because I was never actually in any of those cars. I haven't really been left behind. I chose to get off the ride. Didn't I? Did I choose this? I guess I don't really know. I guess it doesn't really matter, because no matter how I got here, here I am.

Thursday, August 15, 2013


Sorry about those ads guys, those were not posted by me. At least not intentionally... I joined polyvore recently and I think it automatically posts things I look at to blogger. So I will have to update those settings.
Unfortunately I don't have much to write about. School is starting back up in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it sooooo bad!!! I'm taking an extra class since it's my last semester and I'm just gonna be so busy and boring. No social life for me. ((Sigh)) But the end is nigh!! I can't wait.
I have been toying with the idea of either ending this blog, or changing it into something different, or just starting a new blog all together. As you all know, I don't really post anymore. I just don't feel like I have enough exciting things to blog about anymore. No boys, no drama, nothing that makes for a super exciting read. I guess that's part of growing up. I can't complain about the no drama part anyway.
But I think if I do end the blog, I may reveal myself. Post a picture maybe...? That could be a bad idea though. If the wrong people were to come across my blog and know it was me, I could seriously offend somebody. But I'm almost in a place where I just don't care! Lol.
I feel like things are about to get really shaken up in my life. Once I finish school I mean. I'm going to do some traveling. And I'm going to move back to Houston. And Taryn and Carrie and I are talking about getting a house together! I guess I should mention that Taryn and her fiancé broke up. He dumped her, the asshole. So her and Carrie got an apartment together.
But anyway....everything is good here. Sorry again for the weird ad posts, and....maybe check back with me in a month or so.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


Well it's been a while. I'm sure you guys think I say that in every post. Lol. But I've been done with my semester for about a week now, and I have more spare time than I know what to do with! My birthday was this week. Another year older...((Sigh)) But that's not what I wanna talk about. I wanna talk about my past. And my exes. They both seem to be creeping up on me lately. Last weekend, Brazil came into my bar, and tried to get me to go home with him. And to be honest, I seriously thought about it, just remembering how good the sex was. I haven't seen Matt in a while. I guess I'm just...over it. For now anyway. Lol. So it's been a while for me in the sex department and there was Brazil, being all flirty and asking me if I wanted a ride on his scooter. Lol. But Warren was like, "You're not seriously going home with him are you??" And I sighed and said, "No, I'm not." When he gave me a skeptical look, I reassured him that I'm not Abbie and I don't make stupid decisions on a regular basis. Lol. And I sent Brazil home. I just can't think of him without remembering how immature and selfish he acted when we broke up last year. And how he lied and adamantly denied everything. Ugh. But he still keeps trying. He texted me that next morning and said, "So I know this is weird, and i probably shouldnt say this, but the second i saw u last light really made me wish i could kiss u. Im weird, i know. :P"
Cheeseandrice are you fucking kidding me?! Lol. My response?
"That's funny, cuz when I saw you, I thought you really wanted to kiss me. Lol."
And that was that. He didn't mention it again, although he did text me on my birthday and told me he would take me riding whenever I want. Haha. Scooter riding just isn't the same as motorcycle riding though.
Ahhhh it's been so long since I've been on the back of a motorcycle. Not since Daniel. Remember Daniel? Check that link if you don't, because here's where he enters the story. A couple weeks ago he sent me a facebook friend request out of the blue. I thought it was strange, but I didn't really think that much of it. I get blasts from my pasts requesting me out of nowhere all the time. It just...happens. But I took my time accepting him, as not to seem all eager. Haha. But once I did, I sorta just forgot about him again.
But then yesterday morning, he instant messaged me! Just to wish me a happy birthday initially, but then he started asking how I was doing, and why I'm in Chicago, etc etc, and we ended up chatting and catching up for quite a while. My first thought was that he must have just broken up with a girl or something. Because I remember him as the type to jump from one girl to the next, always having something going on in between because he can't stand the idea of actually being single. But then who knows? I thought. It's been 5 years. Yes, FIVE YEARS. I still can't really comprehend that. But anyway, maybe he's grown up a little (ha!) or changed or something in that time. I definitely can't assume to know him anymore.
So anyway, we chatted for a bit, and then I got up and went about my day. And he sent me a message here and there, but I was busy doing shit so we weren't really talking that much. But then when I got home later that night, he messaged me again. I'll paste.

D: Hope you had great birthday. Be safe have fun.

Me: i'm already in bed lol

this is how i know i am old now

D: And thanks for chatting with me today it was really nice hearing from you

Me: lol you don't have to thank me
but you're welcome anyway

D: How old are you now actually ?

Me: 29

so old

D: Ah still so young
Perfect age

Me: this is my last official year of youth

D: Still look like the same pretty girl I met years ago

Then we chitchatted some more and then came this:

D: I had a dream about you awhile back

Me: seriously??

what happened?

D: That's why I hunted you down on Facebook totally random I added you don't you think?

Me: yes, it was quite random
are you going to tell me about this dream, or what?

my ears are burning

D: No it's kinda embarrassing

Me: what?!
you can't just say something like that and then not tell me!

was it a sexy dream?

D: Actually that brings up something else but no no no

Can't say right now

Me: if it wasn't a sexy dream, then what's so embarassing about it1?
embarrassing for me, or embarrassing for you??

D: The dream was just really intense and I was looking for or trying to get to you but it sounds cheesy if explain it

Me: dreams are always intense

the ones you remember anyway

D: Ahhhh yea your right

Me: ok tell me

D: Lol ok fine

I had a really crazy dream about my ex too recently. we have been off and on for so long and this dream was so profound that It really said something to me and I had to finally cut it off. totally sucks but I guess that's life
So anyway

Me: in my experience, if you're constantly on and off with someone, that means you can't make it work. but hell what do i know?
tell me your dream!

D: Seriously about 1 and half 2 years ago I had this dream that I found this amazing girl (like the person youre head over heals for ) and when I found her this general or high ranking military guy got in the way and basically said I had to be a part of this boot camp or military thing to be with this girl ( dreams are vague but that was implied) so I went through all this crazy shit like being stationed in different places, all this crazy boot camp stuff and conflicts with people... and throughout this experience I kept seeing this girl that I wanted to be with and she wanted to be with me, but something kept coming up and this Sergeant was like her dad, it was weird so finally I was in this other place and I finally got to where I needed to be and I found her again but then I woke up, I don't know if I actually got to be with her even though I went through all this crazy shit
But anyway when I woke up I had an image of who she was and her features and the way she ways looked and everything and the first thing I thought of was you
She resembled you so much

Me: hahahaha weird

D: I know
It was weird it was like it was you but dreams can be vague ya know

Me: that isn't embarrassing though
but yea dreams are weird
you know why??
its like when you have amnesia
and your brain can't catalog things correctly because it doesn't know what's a memory or what you just like...saw on tv or something
so everything is just jumbled up

D: Yeah

Me: but you know what ELSE?

D: ?
Me: every single face you see in your dreams is a person you've seen before
your mind never makes them up
so maybe that's why i played the role of the girl of your dreams

D: That's true
Thee girl

Me: Lol

D: I did feel very intimate and close to you

Me: in the dream

D: No!
When we dated

Me: oh

D: Silly
I know it was very short

Me: you were an early-intense-relationship kinda guy
i remember that

D: What do you mean ?

Me: but....it seems like another life to me almost. in some ways like a dream. being in houston.
a lot of my memories of the things i thought and felt then have changed or warped
its hard to explain
i guess i've just changed
i don't mean with you specifically

D: Yeah I totally know what you mean I'm very different

Me: i just went through a lot of shit right before i moved here
its like my life has a before and after period now
but anyway...
D: Well I'm sorry that your past is creeping up on you but I sorta still have feelings for you... never really stopped. not saying that means anything now but I did and still do, or I guess want you to know that youre really awesome and i did think you were sexy as fuck! 
Just take it as a compliment

Me: ummmm WHAT?!
this is just really out of left field

D: Whatever

Me: how long ago did you get out of a relationship??
i'm not...trying to be mean, but this is seriously the last thing i was expecting.
what do you mean you never stopped having feelings for me? that cannot be possible.

D: I haven't been in relationship in a long time I do those anymore lol

Me: pardon my loose use of the word "Relationship"

D: Ugh

Me: i just use it to refer to anything...dating, casual sex, whatever
i was just referring to what you said earlier

that you recently broke things off with someone

D: We are talking about like 3 things at once now

Me: hahaha
are we?

D: Haha

Me: well you're the one who opened pandoras box, so you can't expect me to NOT have a million and one questions for you

D: Who me?
We'll stop being so fucking cute then

Me: oh god

D: And you should have ignored my friend request

Me: i thought about it

D: I know you did

Me: but then i thought, whats the harm?
and i figured you must have had a reason for requesting me out of nowhere, so curiosity got the better of me

D: Oh we'll there you go

Me: do you even know how long it's been since you and i saw each other?? like in person?

D: 5 years

Me: fuck has it really been that long?

D: We'll I'm sure we can figure it out

Me: how long since we dated?

D: Was it 09?
I don't remember

Me: it was 08

D: I mean how long did we date it was like month then like a week or two after
So like 2 months

Me: we dated from like april to june

D: Ahhhh you remember all this

Me: well it fell during our birthdays

i remember that*                                                (*Actually I just looked it up on the blog! lol)
so you're saying you've had feelings for me still ALLLLL this time??
i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to call bullshit on that one

D: ok fine
That's not what I said exactly

Me: one of the other things i remember is that you were the one who ended things. although i can't remember why...lol
prettttttttttty sure it was another chick though
pretty sure

D: Uh no

Me: its all coming back to me now
and i'm pretty sure her name was ALSO PEYTON!
the audacity of you...lol
you may present the defense


D: No I started to see another girl named Peyton (just random) after you yes that lasted 2 weeks. She was complete trash. But that is not why I stopped taking to you. That's a fact

Me: lol
if you say so
well do you know why you stopped talking to me? because i don't.
i'm not even sure i knew then

D: I stopped talking to you because I was young and dumb 

I liked you and was scared of commitment. i listened to Whitney too much
I wasn't a man I barely took care of myself, I wanted to be free and single
I was a total coward
Just simply immature
And I'm sorry
Peoples emotions are not to be messed with and I took a lot for granted

Me: i'm not asking for apologies
just reminiscing
i mean i appreciate you saying all that, i do
i forgot about whitney...he was such a thorn in my side!!
lolhe had no life of his own!! always meddling in other ppls shit...
fuckin whitney
you still talk to him??

D: You know what he is exactly the same! And no



D: I totally shut him out

Me: that's good!
ppl like him never change

funny though
he had a total lezzie crush on you

D: Oh god you're not the only one to tell me that
He's just hater that's all


Me: ok...so you didn't have feelings for me all along, but you do now?
is that what you're saying?
because i don't know how that is possible either lol.

D: What
That's a trick question

Me: ok then just explain this to me:
"Well I'm sorry that your past is creeping up on you but I sorta still have feelings for you... never really stopped. not saying that means anything now but I did and still do, or I guess want you to know that youre really awesome and i did think you were sexy as fuck!"
those are your words

p.s. i know i'm awesome

D: Yeah you are

Me: but thank you for acknowledging

D: lol

Me: why are you telling me this now Daniel? I am realllllllllly curious. lol.
is it just bc of that dream?

D: I can't explain why I just have been thinking about you and yes I had that dream but I sorta thought I was crazy for having it but then I thought about it again recently and I wanted to see how you where doing . I remember a lot of specific things about you that I really admired and thought you where a total fox
And yah I really don't know what it ended I just remember being young and dumb

Me: smh...lol
you're a shameless flirt, you know that??

D: What!!

Me: hahaha

don't act so shocked

D: I only flirt with girls with beautiful smiles and strong morals


you are SOOOOOOOO full of it!!

well anyway
did you know i'm gonna be in houston next week?

D: Really!?

Me: yea, my friends are flying me in to take their engagement photos
i'll be there for a week

D: I didn't even know you were in Chicago
But since youre coming here I might try to steal a couple kisses if I get the chance

Me: baha!
you're so

D: Lol

Me: i'm going to bed now
but you have my number still?

D: Don't be mad

Me: [my number]

D: Too cute
Good night

Me: shutup
call me or something before next week
that way you won't be all weird when i see you

Sorry that was so long, but it was just too much to paraphrase, and I think the language is important. I want your opinions people! I'm going to Houston next Wednesday to shoot Taryn's engagement photos. So I'll most likely see Daniel, and maybe even go for a motorcycle ride ;)
But what do you guys think? Is he full of shit? Or does it even matter since I'll probably only see him a couple times and then not for a really long time, if ever, once I move back. He's just so...
I know how this goes, ya know? He acts super interested and I get used to talking to him or whatever, just like with BJ and then suddenly BAM! He's gone. But I guess it's irrelevant anyway. What are the chances of this actually working out? Who says I even want it to work out??
All I know is, right now I feel like I have something more to look forward to on my trip to Houston. Even if it is just a stolen kiss.

Monday, February 25, 2013

The Mortal Instruments

So this post isn't really going to have much to do with what's happening in my life right now BUT...

I've been rereading/catching up on The Mortal Instruments series, in light of the new book coming out next month, and the movie in August. And I'm sort of pissed about most of the cast that they chose for the movie. Sooooo I created my own cast! And I wanted to share it here. Have any of you guys read the books?? What do you think of my choices? Keep in mind, this is based on looks alone (mostly), from the descriptions in the books.

I actually do like Lily Collins for Clary, but only if her hair is like this!! I'm pretty sure, based on the stills I've seen that in the movie, it's a darker, more fake looking red. I soooo wish she'd dyed it like this for the role cuz I really think she pulls it off well.


Jace... Now he's the character I'm the MOST pissed about, because A) Jamie Campbell Bower is hideously ugly, and even if he is attractive to some, he does NOT have A&F Model looks as described in the books. Also, JCB is BRITISH. Jace is AMERICAN. Well, he's technically from Idris, but still, he spent most of his life in New York and therefore would NOT have a British accent. 

But I had kind of a hard time choosing a guy to play Jace, so I narrowed it down to 3. Who's your fav?

Hayden Christensen - super hot, but might be a tad old to pull off a teenager...



Alex Pettyfer. I actually hate this guy, but he has the perfect look, and definitely the arrogance.