29

Well it's been a while. I'm sure you guys think I say that in every post. Lol. But I've been done with my semester for about a week now, and I have more spare time than I know what to do with! My birthday was this week. Another year older...((Sigh)) But that's not what I wanna talk about. I wanna talk about my past. And my exes. They both seem to be creeping up on me lately. Last weekend, Brazil came into my bar, and tried to get me to go home with him. And to be honest, I seriously thought about it, just remembering how good the sex was. I haven't seen Matt in a while. I guess I'm just...over it. For now anyway. Lol. So it's been a while for me in the sex department and there was Brazil, being all flirty and asking me if I wanted a ride on his scooter. Lol. But Warren was like, "You're not seriously going home with him are you??" And I sighed and said, "No, I'm not." When he gave me a skeptical look, I reassured him that I'm not Abbie and I don't make stupid decisions on a regular basis. Lol. And I sent Brazil home. I just can't think of him without remembering how immature and selfish he acted when we broke up last year. And how he lied and adamantly denied everything. Ugh. But he still keeps trying. He texted me that next morning and said, "So I know this is weird, and i probably shouldnt say this, but the second i saw u last light really made me wish i could kiss u. Im weird, i know. :P"
Cheeseandrice are you fucking kidding me?! Lol. My response?
"That's funny, cuz when I saw you, I thought you really wanted to kiss me. Lol."
And that was that. He didn't mention it again, although he did text me on my birthday and told me he would take me riding whenever I want. Haha. Scooter riding just isn't the same as motorcycle riding though.
Ahhhh it's been so long since I've been on the back of a motorcycle. Not since Daniel. Remember Daniel? Check that link if you don't, because here's where he enters the story. A couple weeks ago he sent me a facebook friend request out of the blue. I thought it was strange, but I didn't really think that much of it. I get blasts from my pasts requesting me out of nowhere all the time. It just...happens. But I took my time accepting him, as not to seem all eager. Haha. But once I did, I sorta just forgot about him again.
But then yesterday morning, he instant messaged me! Just to wish me a happy birthday initially, but then he started asking how I was doing, and why I'm in Chicago, etc etc, and we ended up chatting and catching up for quite a while. My first thought was that he must have just broken up with a girl or something. Because I remember him as the type to jump from one girl to the next, always having something going on in between because he can't stand the idea of actually being single. But then who knows? I thought. It's been 5 years. Yes, FIVE YEARS. I still can't really comprehend that. But anyway, maybe he's grown up a little (ha!) or changed or something in that time. I definitely can't assume to know him anymore.
So anyway, we chatted for a bit, and then I got up and went about my day. And he sent me a message here and there, but I was busy doing shit so we weren't really talking that much. But then when I got home later that night, he messaged me again. I'll paste.

D: Hope you had great birthday. Be safe have fun.

Me: i'm already in bed lol
this is how i know i am old now

D: And thanks for chatting with me today it was really nice hearing from you

Me: lol you don't have to thank me
but you're welcome anyway

D: How old are you now actually ?

Me: 29
so old
lol

D: Ah still so young
Perfect age

Me: this is my last official year of youth

D: Still look like the same pretty girl I met years ago


Then we chitchatted some more and then came this:


D: I had a dream about you awhile back

Me: seriously??
what happened?

D: That's why I hunted you down on Facebook totally random I added you don't you think?

Me: yes, it was quite random
are you going to tell me about this dream, or what?
lol
my ears are burning

D: No it's kinda embarrassing

Me: what?!
you can't just say something like that and then not tell me!
was it a sexy dream?
lol

D: Actually that brings up something else but no no no
Can't say right now

Me: if it wasn't a sexy dream, then what's so embarassing about it1?
embarrassing for me, or embarrassing for you??

D: The dream was just really intense and I was looking for or trying to get to you but it sounds cheesy if explain it

Me: dreams are always intense
the ones you remember anyway

D: Ahhhh yea your right

Me: ok tell me

D: Lol ok fine
I had a really crazy dream about my ex too recently. we have been off and on for so long and this dream was so profound that It really said something to me and I had to finally cut it off. totally sucks but I guess that's life
So anyway

Me: in my experience, if you're constantly on and off with someone, that means you can't make it work. but hell what do i know?
tell me your dream!

D: Seriously about 1 and half 2 years ago I had this dream that I found this amazing girl (like the person youre head over heals for ) and when I found her this general or high ranking military guy got in the way and basically said I had to be a part of this boot camp or military thing to be with this girl ( dreams are vague but that was implied) so I went through all this crazy shit like being stationed in different places, all this crazy boot camp stuff and conflicts with people... and throughout this experience I kept seeing this girl that I wanted to be with and she wanted to be with me, but something kept coming up and this Sergeant was like her dad, it was weird so finally I was in this other place and I finally got to where I needed to be and I found her again but then I woke up, I don't know if I actually got to be with her even though I went through all this crazy shit
But anyway when I woke up I had an image of who she was and her features and the way she ways looked and everything and the first thing I thought of was you
She resembled you so much

Me: hahahaha weird

D: I know
It was weird it was like it was you but dreams can be vague ya know

Me: that isn't embarrassing though
but yea dreams are weird
you know why??
its like when you have amnesia
and your brain can't catalog things correctly because it doesn't know what's a memory or what you just like...saw on tv or something
so everything is just jumbled up


D: Yeah
Me: but you know what ELSE?

D: ?
 
Me: every single face you see in your dreams is a person you've seen before
your mind never makes them up
so maybe that's why i played the role of the girl of your dreams
lol

D: That's true
Lol
Thee girl

Me: Lol

D: I did feel very intimate and close to you

Me: in the dream
?

D: No!
When we dated

Me: oh

D: Silly
I know it was very short

Me: you were an early-intense-relationship kinda guy
lol
i remember that

D: What do you mean ?

Me: but....it seems like another life to me almost. in some ways like a dream. being in houston.
a lot of my memories of the things i thought and felt then have changed or warped
its hard to explain
i guess i've just changed
i don't mean with you specifically

D: Yeah I totally know what you mean I'm very different

Me: i just went through a lot of shit right before i moved here
its like my life has a before and after period now
haha
but anyway...
D: Well I'm sorry that your past is creeping up on you but I sorta still have feelings for you... never really stopped. not saying that means anything now but I did and still do, or I guess want you to know that youre really awesome and i did think you were sexy as fuck! 
Just take it as a compliment

Me: ummmm WHAT?!
lol
sorry
this is just really out of left field

D: Whatever

Me: how long ago did you get out of a relationship??
i'm not...trying to be mean, but this is seriously the last thing i was expecting.
what do you mean you never stopped having feelings for me? that cannot be possible.

D: I haven't been in relationship in a long time I do those anymore lol

Me: pardon my loose use of the word "Relationship"

D: Ugh

Me: i just use it to refer to anything...dating, casual sex, whatever
lol
i was just referring to what you said earlier
that you recently broke things off with someone
 
D: We are talking about like 3 things at once now

Me: hahaha
are we?

D: Haha

Me: well you're the one who opened pandoras box, so you can't expect me to NOT have a million and one questions for you

D: Who me?
We'll stop being so fucking cute then

Me: oh god

D: And you should have ignored my friend request
Jk

Me: i thought about it
lol

D: I know you did

Me: but then i thought, whats the harm?
lol
and i figured you must have had a reason for requesting me out of nowhere, so curiosity got the better of me

D: Oh we'll there you go

Me: do you even know how long it's been since you and i saw each other?? like in person?

D: 5 years

Me: fuck has it really been that long?

D: We'll I'm sure we can figure it out

Me: how long since we dated?

D: Was it 09?
O8?
I don't remember

Me: it was 08

D: I mean how long did we date it was like month then like a week or two after
So like 2 months

Me: we dated from like april to june

D: Ahhhh you remember all this

Me: well it fell during our birthdays
i remember that*                                                (*Actually I just looked it up on the blog! lol)
so you're saying you've had feelings for me still ALLLLL this time??
i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to call bullshit on that one
lol

D: ok fine
That's not what I said exactly

Me: one of the other things i remember is that you were the one who ended things. although i can't remember why...lol
prettttttttttty sure it was another chick though
pretty sure
actually

D: Uh no

Me: its all coming back to me now
and i'm pretty sure her name was ALSO PEYTON!
the audacity of you...lol
you may present the defense
hahaha

D: No I started to see another girl named Peyton (just random) after you yes that lasted 2 weeks. She was complete trash. But that is not why I stopped taking to you. That's a fact

Me: lol
if you say so
well do you know why you stopped talking to me? because i don't.
i'm not even sure i knew then

D: I stopped talking to you because I was young and dumb 
I liked you and was scared of commitment. i listened to Whitney too much
I wasn't a man I barely took care of myself, I wanted to be free and single
I was a total coward
Just simply immature
And I'm sorry
Peoples emotions are not to be messed with and I took a lot for granted

Me: i'm not asking for apologies
just reminiscing
i mean i appreciate you saying all that, i do
i forgot about whitney...he was such a thorn in my side!!
lolhe had no life of his own!! always meddling in other ppls shit...
fuckin whitney
you still talk to him??

D: You know what he is exactly the same! And no

Me: LMAO
hahahahahhahahaha

D: I totally shut him out

Me: that's good!
ppl like him never change
lol
funny though
he had a total lezzie crush on you

D: Oh god you're not the only one to tell me that
He's just hater that's all
Lol
Anyways

Me: ok...so you didn't have feelings for me all along, but you do now?
is that what you're saying?
because i don't know how that is possible either lol.

D: What
That's a trick question

Me: ok then just explain this to me:
"Well I'm sorry that your past is creeping up on you but I sorta still have feelings for you... never really stopped. not saying that means anything now but I did and still do, or I guess want you to know that youre really awesome and i did think you were sexy as fuck!"
those are your words
lol
p.s. i know i'm awesome

D: Yeah you are

Me: but thank you for acknowledging

D: lol

Me: why are you telling me this now Daniel? I am realllllllllly curious. lol.
is it just bc of that dream?

D: I can't explain why I just have been thinking about you and yes I had that dream but I sorta thought I was crazy for having it but then I thought about it again recently and I wanted to see how you where doing . I remember a lot of specific things about you that I really admired and thought you where a total foxAnd yah I really don't know what it ended I just remember being young and dumb
 
Me: smh...lol
you're a shameless flirt, you know that??

D: What!!

Me: hahaha
don't act so shocked

D: I only flirt with girls with beautiful smiles and strong morals

Me: BAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA
you are SOOOOOOOO full of it!!

well anyway
did you know i'm gonna be in houston next week?

D: Really!?


Me: yea, my friends are flying me in to take their engagement photos
i'll be there for a week

D: I didn't even know you were in ChicagoBut since youre coming here I might try to steal a couple kisses if I get the chance

Me: baha!
lol
you're so
lol

D: Lol
What

Me: i'm going to bed now
but you have my number still?
 
D: Don't be mad

Me: [my number]
loser

D: Too cute
Good night

Me: shutup
call me or something before next week
that way you won't be all weird when i see you
lol


Sorry that was so long, but it was just too much to paraphrase, and I think the language is important. I want your opinions people! I'm going to Houston next Wednesday to shoot Taryn's engagement photos. So I'll most likely see Daniel, and maybe even go for a motorcycle ride ;)
But what do you guys think? Is he full of shit? Or does it even matter since I'll probably only see him a couple times and then not for a really long time, if ever, once I move back. He's just so...
I know how this goes, ya know? He acts super interested and I get used to talking to him or whatever, just like with BJ and then suddenly BAM! He's gone. But I guess it's irrelevant anyway. What are the chances of this actually working out? Who says I even want it to work out??
All I know is, right now I feel like I have something more to look forward to on my trip to Houston. Even if it is just a stolen kiss.

The Weekend of Exes

Remember a couple weeks ago when Brazil sent me a friend request? Well, I accepted it. Mostly out of morbid curiosity. I just wanted to know what he wanted. Well, 2 weeks went by, and nothing happened, so I deleted him again. And then I made Abbie delete him from her friends too. So that was that.
Now let's take an even longer trip down memory lane, shall we? Remember my old boyfriend BJ? (<-- Visit this link to catch up) Well Friday morning, I had a dream about him, sorta. In the dream he had this really beautiful horse, and I wanted to show a picture of the horse to my girlfriend (can't remember who). So I had BJ's phone, and I was scrolling through his pics looking for the pic of his horse. And I came across this picture of a bunch of us at the beach, and I was in the background of this picture, adjusting my swimsuit top, and my boob was totally showing. So I was like, "OMG you have to delete this!" And he was like, "Oh well I have copies" and for some reason, in the dream, I was just like, "haha, oh well!" It was like we were together in the dream or something. I dunno, but I woke up with this...renewed interest (?) in him. And of course I had to text him about the dream immediately. And I said, "So....do you have any naked pictures of me?"
And he didn't respond for quite a long time, so I started to think maybe he was weirded out or something by my text. And then I was like, "Oh shit, maybe he thinks I want to send him some naked pics?" Lol. So I texted him again to clarify, "Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol."
And again, he didn't respond! And it's just very unlike him to ignore a text like that, especially since we recently had a brief conversation. So I sent him a facebook message, asking if he changed his number. He responded immediately with the new number. LOL.
Here's our conversation....

Me: Dude, did you change your #??


BJ: Lol yes
 (phone number)

Me: Omg...good to know. I texted someone something weird this morning. Hhaha!


BJ: Lol please tell me they texted you back.


Me: Haha no, that's why I messaged you! But I said, "So...do you have any naked pictures of me?"
 And then there was no reply so I thought maybe I freaked you out or something and I felt the need to clarify so then I wrote:

Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol.


BJ: Lol if someone would've gotten that it seriously would've made my year.


Me: I really hope so
.
Anyway, it was a funny dream.


BJ: Sounds like it, I'll be there next month, pencil me in


Me: When?


BJ: Oct 26

Me: How long are you staying here? And where are you staying?
 Lol sorry for the 20 questions


BJ: Just for the weekend


Me: Well where are you staying?


BJ: I may get a hotel I may stay at my buddies house haven't decided


Me: Stay with MEEEE!! Lol. Who do you know that lives here?


BJ: One of my best friends from the military


Me: Oh I see. Well you're welcome to crash with me if you want. I live near wrigley field.


BJ: Uh that sounds like greatness
 



So that was just our facebook conversation, which we were having while I was working, so it got busy and I wasn't able to respond t.o him for a while. But later, just before I left work, I texted him, and we small talked for a while, I'll spare you the boring stuff. Eventually he brought up the dream again.

BJ: So about those naked pictures of you, should I delete them....or.....

Me: Lol. In the ream it wasn't really a naked picture. [I explain the dream]

BJ: Lol I have mixed feelings about this story. Humor, obviously, envy of Dream Me, and jealousy because this wasn't real.

Me: BAHAHAHAHA!! I have mixed feelings about it as well, bc clearly, Dream Me didn't mind that you had this pic of me, and when I woke up I had this unexplainable urge to make out with you. Haha.

BJ: Dream You needs to do all of your thinking

Me: Hahaha. Is that so??

BJ: Uh yea, I miss your face, and have for a long time.

Me: You do??? Well that honestly surprises me since we hardly saw each other when I was living in Houston.

BJ: Lol well we chose different paths, I'm not cool, trendy, or hip so I didn't know what to do when you broke up with me. I was angry and confused, but that doesn't mean my feelings ever changed.

Me: What do you mean your feelings never changed?? I broke up with you mainly bc I felt like you were in a different place in your life than I was.* You were big into the frat/college scene and I wasn't really. I mean it was fun for a while, but I was kinda trying to figure my own life/shit out at the time. Plus, you lived an hour away! And I just wasn't ready for anything serious at the time.

*Side note: Also there was also Daniel...which obviously, I didn't include in my explanation, but I was young. It was what it was.

BJ: And you weren't wrong, but that's still not what I wanted.

Me: What's not what you wanted?

BJ: Breaking up

Me: Well don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've never been exactly forthcoming with your feelings. And you were so hostile to me afterwards that I just assumed you didn't want anything to do with me. Also, I feel the need to ask, are you drunk right now?? [It was like 3am]

BJ: No, if I get a DUI, I get fired and fuck that shit! My job is too good to lose.

Me: Lol ok just wondering.... Well I'm sorry for all that. A lot has changed since then. I am much more...I dunno what work to use, experienced/pragmatic/realistic/grown up now. I have always considered you at least a friend, if not a good friend. But I guess I've never really known your feelings/opinions.

BJ: I know what you mean, I think the same is true for both of us, and I'm very aware that I'm not forthcoming with feelings, lol. To be honest, whether you realize it or not, you know more about me than probably anybody on the planet.

Me: What??? I find that very hard to believe...

BJ: It's very true, but I'm not going to explain why or how. I think I've maxed myself out on feelings sharing.

Me: Nooooo! Lol.

BJ: Lol what you don't realize is you've always had me.

BJ: I know that's probably not what a woman wants to hear because it's not challenging but it is what it is.

Me: You might be the most self-contradicting, confusing person I've ever met. I mean...it's just hard for me to accept that as truth after you pretty much dated all my friends! And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it bc I had a huge thing for you in hs and you went after first Rikki, then Emma. And I won't even bring up the Cecilia thing, lol, but it just...doesn't make sense to me! I just...always thought you weren't that into me. Anyway, what does "challenging" have to do with anything?? I'm not 22 anymore.

BJ: Rikki was before I knew you liked me and Emma and I were always just friends. And Cecilia happened after I flew home for your birthday and found out you were making out with some other guy outside.

Me: I wasn't trying to put you on the defensive. you don't have to explain anything. That is all long in the past. I was just trying to explain why this is confusing for me. Not to mention the part where you never even hinted at any of this. You realize we fight like cats and dogs, right?? You act all macho in front of your friends, and I know it's just an act and it drives me crazy cuz I can't figure out why you act that way. And I'm confrontational and stubborn and weird and flighty and probably selfish and frustrating. This isn't exactly a 2+2=4 kind of equation. Anyway, I'm sorry for whatever pain and suffering I'm sure I caused you in the past. I hope that at least we can put all that behind us. [finally!]

BJ: But that's not even the point. Those aren't the girls who I've fought with, worked things out with and came back to for the last 12 years.

Me: You've worked things out with me bc I MADE you! I'm not the type to let go of friends easily. And I know the things we argue about are usually dumb. Definitely not worth losing a friendship over.

BJ: Everything you just say about us is 100% true, but I don't know, I really liked all of that, and I'm much less of a macho d-bag these days.

Me: Hahahaha well it's nice to know you're aware of your old habits... As for the rest, I agree, it kept things interesting. And it means a lot what you said, but I'm not sure that your feelings are really for ME, as I am now, and not just the idea of me, or the way you remember me. You have dated a lot of crazy broads, maybe I'm just the most agreeable out of all them. Lol. But really, it's been a long time since we've hung out and I'm not the same person anymore. I mean I am, but I'm not. You know?

BJ: Lol first you are not the most agreeable woman I've ever dated by a long shot, and I can imagine that you've grown and changed, that happens as we go through life, and in all reality you may such, I'm pretty sure I'm kind of lame these days, but I'm happy so screw it. And I'm visiting in a month so that'll be a chance to find out.

Me: True...but I don't want it to feel like we're putting a lot of pressure on one wkend. I am gonna have to work, ya know, it's Halloween. But we should try and catch up before then. So it's not like I'm talking to you for the first time in a million yrs.

BJ: Also, I wasn't trying to spring this on you, nor do I expect anything. These were just things I should've said a long time ago. Lol but I have a lot of plans that weekend, I was just saying we could get a meal together. No pressure at all.

Me: Well my offer still stands if you wanna stay with me. When are you flying back?

BJ: I still have to book my return ticket for Sunday.

Me: Well you should make it late. Lol. Cuz Sunday is the only day I won't have to work.

BJ: I can do that. Ok gorgeous I have to go to sleep. Sweet dreams.

BJ: Dream about sending me naked pictures, or just do. Lol.

Me:  (: Night


So that was that conversation.
MIND IS BLOWN.
Right?? I mean I'm still trying to sort through all this. Mostly I can't figure out how I really feel about it, about him, because on the one hand, there's excitement you know, and it feels good to hear things like that from someone. But I don't know if I actually want to pursue this or not. And if he really feels that way about me, I don't want to lead him on either. Because I do really care about him as a friend, regardless of our romantic status. ((Sigh)) So confusing. We texted a bit today as well. So I know he wasn't just drunk word-vomiting Friday night.
Despite the quagmire that is my feelings, I'm not gonna lie, I feel...happy about it. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?? Anyone???

Ok, now for tonight, Saturday night. Went to work, and it was me, Abbie and Warren as usual. Well around 11ish, Warren disappeared into the office to do some server closeouts and it's just me and Abbie behind the bar. And it's just starting to really get busy when GUESS WHO WALKS UP TO THE BAR??
If you guessed Brazil, you would be correct.
I just looked up and there he was, right in front of me, and I said, "What the fuck!" because I was surprised. And he was like ,"What, am I not allowed to be here?" And I said, "What? I didn't say that..."
And then he said, "You pretty much said that."
And I said, "No, I just said 'What the fuck' because you surprised me."
Then he asked how I was doing (great!) and how is Jasper and where am I living. And I was trying to be...unaffected and as nice as possible. But it was just so awkward! Finally he took his 2 beers and left, and we were busy so I had enough to be getting on with. He and his friend lurked in front of the bar until some people got up and then they sat down and stayed for at least an hour. I completely ignored him. I served drinks to people on either sides of him without even making eye contact with him. I just pretended he wasn't there pretty much. He made another attempt to talk to me once when I walked by. He asked how I was doing, and I just said, "Fine, just busy working" and walked away.
Then finally, Warren comes back from the office just as Brazil is about to leave. And he's standing at the end of the bar, obviously waiting to say goodbye to me, but I just kept ignoring him, and eventually he left. And Warren goes, "Hey was that that guy that-"
"Yes," I interrupted him before he could make fun of me, "I don't know what he was doing here, I'm just glad he's finally gone."
"He was here trying to get laid." Warren said.
And then I told him that after our initial encounter at the bar, I seriously doubted that he thought he was gonna get laid. But Warren just said, "Guys are dumb. He probably still hopes he's gonna get laid." And I was just like, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me, I mean, no way!"
Well very shortly after that, Brazil texted me.
"Hey, sorry if it was akward (yes, he spelled it wrong) of me showing up out of nowhere today. Anyways, it was good to see you"

So I show Warren the text and he's like "I told you!" and then I was like, "Well what should I say??"
Well Warren had this awesome idea, which I am proud to say I used. Lol. Here is what I responded with:

Me: It was just really busy. So are you busy later?

Brazil: Im just at home now, surfing the web n stuff.. I guess that means .. Not busy?

Me: Wanna hang out when I get off work?

Brazil: For sure, if by any chance I don't respond is probably cause im passed out sleeping.
Brazil: But anyways, u have idea whne u will be done? Dont mean to bother, i know ur really busy

Me: Oh wait, hang on...I just remembered you're THE DOUCHEST BAG. But you're welcome at [our bar] anytime. Sweet dreams.

Brazil: That was unecessary, and you know it's not true.. Not cool peyton. You have no reason to say that to me, even if you think you do. Anyway, i hope ur doing fine, I'll disregard the insults.

A couple minutes go by...

Brazil: Douchest bag ever? WTF?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!!! 
I'm sorry, I know it was terrible, and immature, yada yada, but it just felt soooo good!! And me and Warren seriously laughed about it for at least 20 minutes. It definitely made my  night. ((Sigh)) 
I didn't respond to him any more after that. It was just great. I just can't believe he was dumb enough to think that after I deleted him from my friends TWICE, and then completely ignored him at the bar, he thought I would wanna go over to his place?? In the words of Ron Weasley, "How thick can you get?" 
LOL.
Also on a side note, it's really hard for me to type all his misspellings. Lol. Idiot.

Anyway, this is has been one interesting weekend. On another unrelated note, I gave my number to a hot guy on Friday night. Perhaps I'll hear from him, perhaps I won't? Meh... 

Anyway, I really could use some advice on the BJ situation? I mean I'm gonna see him in about a month, but I don't wanna like...invest too much into that right now because it just seems kind of silly. I dunno... Let me know what you all think.

Flame on, muthafuckaz!

Tomorrow

I feel so...drained. I couldn't stop thinking about Brazil all night at work. At first I sort of felt....relieved. Liberated even. It was as if I'd been holding my breath all this time, and I was finally able to release it. The other shoe finally fucking dropped. ((Sigh)) Back to being independent, self-reliant old me again.
And then I felt frustrated, angry, used...
And now I just feel so sad, and disappointed. I was just starting to fall for him you know?

He texted me while I was on the train, something just chatty, or whatever. It didn't require a response, so of course I didn't give him one. Then later he wrote, "You left your umbrella at my place!", which I'm really pissed about btw. And I still didn't answer. Then he was like, "Hello???" and I started to panic, because I didn't want him to think I was mad at him, because then I would have to tell him why, and I was worried he'd put 2 and 2 together and know that I'd looked on his computer and he'd think I was snooping, which would completely detract from everything that he did. So I wrote him back, "Oh yea, I realized I left it after I locked the door!"
Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring it to me, and he could come in and eat. I told him not to worry about it, I was busy with a private party and wouldn't be able to hang out so I'd just get the umbrella another time. That was a total lie. But he said ok. So I'm planning to talk to him tomorrow sometime. I don't know what I'm gonna say yet. I haven't decided if I'm going to just tell him I know he's been seeing Stephanie, or if I'm gonna ask him if he's been seeing her, and make him swear to be honest. If I ask him, then he'll have the opportunity to deny it, which I won't really be able to refute, but if he does, I'll know exactly what a fake he is. But if I just say I know he's been seeing her, he's likely to get suspicious, and ask me how I know. ((Sigh!))

My coworker, Warren, said something surprisingly insightful to me tonight though. I was telling him the whole story, and he said something along the lines of, "Come on you knew what was really going on!" (In reference to Brazil and Stephanie)
And when I denied it, he said, "Well, maybe you didn't know exactly, but deep down, you knew that wasn't gonna go anywhere. I mean I don't know you that well, but I think I know you well enough to know that that little guy, wasn't it."

And he's right. I mean I wanted so badly for Brazil to be what I wanted him to be, but he's not. And he never will be. I was just settling for him because he...

he made me happy.

((Sigh))

FML Right Now!

I'm really pissed. For one, I've been trying since November to get my shift covered at work this Friday night. But NO ONE will take it, because Warren's band is having a show that night and everybody wants to go. But I'm leaving for Orlando tomorrow morning! So wtf am I supposed to do1!? UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Second, I'm already getting irritated with Matt because he's just...I don't know, not being attentive enough? He sent me a text yesterday morning asking me if I was going to be working that night, cuz he was thinking of coming by. I told him yes I was working, and he should definitely come in. I didn't hear from again, but much later, when I was actually at work, and I was bored out of my mind, I text him again. I just said something, "Hey are you still planning on swinging by cuz there's like 2 people at the bar right now and I'm really bored!"

A couple hours later, he responded with, "If you haven't noticed by now I'm quite possibly the world's worst texter. I put my phone down to cook and attempt to fix my place up, which resulted in drinking beer and talking with my neighbors."

I waited about 45 minutes before responding, because I didn't want to seem too needy. But i said, "Haha well you should come drink beer and talk to me instead."

No response.

At 8:30 this morning, when I was obviously, fast asleep, he wrote me again. "See I passed out at like 10 last night to get up at 6. My friend said he saw you however and that you looked bored out of your mind."

I didn't even bother responding to this one till like 3pm. Lol. I slept till noon, and then I was doing stuff. But I said, "Your friend was there last night? I WAS bored out of my mind!"

And so far, I haven't gotten a response and it's been just over 2 hours. Am I overreacting? I know I have a tendency to do that, but I just can't tell if he's blowing me off, or just trying to keep me on the backburner, or if he's just busy, or what! I just don't know! I mean if he wanted to blow me off, why text me at all? Why tell me he wanted to come see me at the bar?
But if he is interested, why doesn't he just write back? It takes like 2 seconds to write a text message! I have all these conflicting thoughts flying through my head right now and on top of the mood I'm already in, it's driving me crazy.

Plus, I'm leaving tomorrow. ((Sigh))

Hottie #1 and Hottie #2

OH.MYGOD.

Just earlier today I was telling one of the new waitresses at my bar how I'm beginning to feel like Chicago might be a wasteland as far as guys are concerned.
And then I met not one, but two hot guys in one night!!

The first hottie was sitting with about 5 other dudes at one of my tables. They were all friends with one of the doorguys. He wasn't super tall, but he was still taller than me, dark brown hair, and dimples. Really nice, and cute. And at the end of the night, they wanted to play credit card roulette. For those of you who aren't familiar with this game, everyone at the table puts their credit card in a hat, and then someone, usually the waiter or bartender, blindly draws credit cards out of the hat until there's only one left. Whichever card is the last one in the hat, that person has to pay for the whole bill. So I was drawing out the cards, and the cute guy ended up being the one who had to pay. I felt so bad! Lol. So when I closed him out, I wrote him a little note that said,

"Sorry for picking your card!

I owe you one.
[insert my phone number here]
-Peyton."

And I also bought him a shot. I figured what the hell, I mean it's been FOREVER since I've been with any guy, what have I got to lose!?

[Quick side note! DID NOT hook up with Gavin when I was at home. OVER IT. But that's another story...]

So anyway, after they all left, I went over to the doorguy who was friends with all of them to get the deets. And he told me that Hottie #1 lives in D.C.!!! ((Sigh)) Disappointing, but oh well.

So the second hot guy came along about an hour and a half later. I had just walked over to the waitress well for a breather, and he was there in the corner with 3 friends, all guys. I didn't really pay him much attention, because I usually ignore anyone standing close to the waitress well, in order to discourage them from invading my space. It SUCKS when people crowd the waitress well and it makes it practically impossible for me to do my job. So I get a little territorial. But anyway, he turns to me and says, "Can you tell me if you guys have any triple hops brewed beer?"
And my initial thought was that he was looking for a real hoppy beer, like an IPA or something, so I started listing off our PAs and such.
Then he laughed and went on to explain that he was joking, and that Miller Lite is actually advertised as being triple hops brewed. So that just kind of opened up a conversation window, and he continued to talk to me and I continued to stand there and be entertained. I also began to notice how incredibly good looking he was.

I would say he looks like a cross between this guy:




and this guy:




SUPER HOT RIGHT?!?
But that immediately put me on my guard, because generally a guy that good looking who just strikes up a conversation with random girl is only out to get laid. And of course guys like that know they're good looking, and they know they're charming, and they know they've got it in the bag. So I was a little wary...
But he was completely ignoring all his friends to talk to me! And then when his friends went to leave, he hesitated like he wasn't sure if he should go with them, or stay. And he stayed! BY HIMSELF just to hang out with me!
After a while though, he said he had to leave to go meet up with his friends, and he said, "Tell ya what. I'm gonna ask you for your number."
And I gave it to him. :) Didn't even have to offer.
So he left, and Abbie and I gossiped about how hot he is, till I realized he left his scarf behind!
So I pulled out my phone to text him, and saw that I already had a message from him that said, "I'm coming back, I left my scarf!"
Warren said it was cuz he wanted an excuse to come back and talk to me some more. Which is exactly what he did. He stayed and we talked till close. Finally I told him I needed to start doing some work. Lol. So he told me to call him if I wanted to go out afterwards. I don't normally go out after work cuz I'm just tired and sick of being around drunk people, but I debated...

Warren and Abbie told me I should definitely "go get laid" since it has now been over a year, yes a YEAR, since I've had sex. Ugh... And I did consider it but...I just didn't wanna throw away the possibility that maybe, just maybe me and this guy really actually did hit it off. Maybe it wasn't him just trying to get laid...

As I was pondering all these things, I got a text from Hottie #1! I was so shocked, definitely not expecting to hear from him. He said he was only in town for the weekend, but he wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow (NYE) which of course, I told him I'm working. Then he asked what I was doing before or after work, because he had no plans before, and he was heading to some after party later. But by this time, I was already losing interest in Hottie #1, due to the attentions of Hottie #2. Lol. So I texted Hottie #2 and asked him if he was out. He said yes, and we decided to meet at this really shitty bar down the street since a couple of my coworkers were going there. I texted Hottie #1 that I had no idea what my before and after work plans were, but that I'm off Sunday if he was still going to be in town.
I headed out to meet Hottie #2 and then all thoughts of Hottie #1 escaped me. When I saw him at the bar, he was just as hot as I remembered. He smiles a lot too, and you don't really realize how much guys don't smile until you meet a guy that smiles a lot. It's a total turn on.
So he bought me a drink, and we sat down at a table and talked, for about 30 minutes, until the bouncers started walking around kicking everyone out.

Then we wondered outside, still deep in conversation, and ended up getting in a cab.
"Wait, where are we going?" I asked as I closed my door.
He gives the cab driver his address. I almost protested, but then I thought, What the hell? I'm on my period and haven't shaved my legs so I'm definitely not going to have sex with him. Lol. So since I knew I was safe, we headed back to his place. He has a rather large apartment in a decent part of down with hardwood floors. Very creeky hardwood floors. Lol. It's an old building I guess. Him and his roommate had just finished painting the hallway and living room and everything was covered in dropcloths, so we headed in the direction of the kitchen...and his bedroom. And we were talking about who knows what, some nonsense, and then he said, "Ok I'm going to kiss you." And he did.
:)
Then he kept telling me how attracted to me he is, which always makes me feel...uncomfortable. I'm just not good at taking compliments on my looks. I mean it's not like I can really take credit for it, and I don't like to appear vain, so I just never know what to say! So I said, "Thanks, I guess." and he laughed and kept kissing me.

The first thing I noticed about his place is that he has 3 guitars. And he plays VERY well. I made him get one out and play me something. HOTT.

Second thing I noticed is he's a total nerd. He likes math, and the more comfortable he got around me, the dorkier her got! Lol.

Eventually we ended up in his room. So I said, "Look, I cannot stay here tonight."
"I know, I know, I just wanna make out with you." he said. Then his roommate went into the kitchen so he shut off his light cuz for some reason, he didn't want his roommate to know he was awake. And then of course we ended up in his bed. But I did not sleep with him!! Lol. We made out, and he did get my shirt off, but that's it. And he just kept complimenting me! Lol. And we talked a lot, about, oh I dunno, random things. He did try to get me to stay. He said that as much as he wanted to, he knew we weren't going to have sex, but that he's a good cuddler. Lol. But I couldn't stay anyway cuz of Jasper! I would never just leave him like that.
And then he kept saying, "Just 10 more minutes!" But finally I had to put my foot down. It was 5am by the time I left. He walked me all the way to the train.
"So...am I gonna hear from you again? I mean it's ok if you say no, I just...would rather know is all. I don't like to play games."
"Yes you're gonna hear from me again, are you kidding me?!" He said, "And I don't play games either."
"ALL guys play games." I said.
"Well so do girls." He said.
"Well I don't. I'd rather just be honest."

So I'm really hoping that he was being honest, and that I will hear from him again, because I think I really like him....so far anyway.

He doesn't have ANY plans for NYE either! Who just doesn't make NYE plans?! Lol. Maybe I'll invite him over after work tomorrow night...
Oh yea, his name is Matt.