Saturday, February 25, 2012


I feel so...drained. I couldn't stop thinking about Brazil all night at work. At first I sort of felt....relieved. Liberated even. It was as if I'd been holding my breath all this time, and I was finally able to release it. The other shoe finally fucking dropped. ((Sigh)) Back to being independent, self-reliant old me again.
And then I felt frustrated, angry, used...
And now I just feel so sad, and disappointed. I was just starting to fall for him you know?

He texted me while I was on the train, something just chatty, or whatever. It didn't require a response, so of course I didn't give him one. Then later he wrote, "You left your umbrella at my place!", which I'm really pissed about btw. And I still didn't answer. Then he was like, "Hello???" and I started to panic, because I didn't want him to think I was mad at him, because then I would have to tell him why, and I was worried he'd put 2 and 2 together and know that I'd looked on his computer and he'd think I was snooping, which would completely detract from everything that he did. So I wrote him back, "Oh yea, I realized I left it after I locked the door!"
Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring it to me, and he could come in and eat. I told him not to worry about it, I was busy with a private party and wouldn't be able to hang out so I'd just get the umbrella another time. That was a total lie. But he said ok. So I'm planning to talk to him tomorrow sometime. I don't know what I'm gonna say yet. I haven't decided if I'm going to just tell him I know he's been seeing Stephanie, or if I'm gonna ask him if he's been seeing her, and make him swear to be honest. If I ask him, then he'll have the opportunity to deny it, which I won't really be able to refute, but if he does, I'll know exactly what a fake he is. But if I just say I know he's been seeing her, he's likely to get suspicious, and ask me how I know. ((Sigh!))

My coworker, Warren, said something surprisingly insightful to me tonight though. I was telling him the whole story, and he said something along the lines of, "Come on you knew what was really going on!" (In reference to Brazil and Stephanie)
And when I denied it, he said, "Well, maybe you didn't know exactly, but deep down, you knew that wasn't gonna go anywhere. I mean I don't know you that well, but I think I know you well enough to know that that little guy, wasn't it."

And he's right. I mean I wanted so badly for Brazil to be what I wanted him to be, but he's not. And he never will be. I was just settling for him because he...

he made me happy.



Anonymous said...

Good luck.. I know if it was me, I would feel better just letting him know that he didn't get away with it.
He is a loser and wouldn't be a good boyfriend anyway. If he cared about this Stephanie girl so much.. why was he cheating on her with you in the first place? He was whining to his friend on facebook about how he tried so hard with her and planned a nice Valentine's Day for her and then she was such a bitch. Um, hello? You have been sleeping with someone else, why are you pretending to be such a saint?
I really hate hypocrites and liars and he is both.

Anonymous said...

Peyton, I wouldn't worry about him knowing you snooped. Obviously it was a good thing you did. Don't be too passive with him. If he tries to lie, call him out on it. Tell him what you read. The guy needs to hear it. Good luck.


http://sweetcanadian.blogspot.com/ said...

I agree with anon. Who cares about the snooping. You did NOT do it on purpose. If someone left fb open i would be looking at it too, it is a natural reaction. Why do you care what he thinks after all that anyway? What will it matter if he knows you snooped, you do not want to be friends with him do you?

Just completely confront him then never speak to him again. You have tried so hard to convince yourself of something because the sex was good & you crave that relationship attention.

Anonymous said...

Aww I'm so so sorry that all of this happened to you. I know technically you were snooping but that's really beside the point, so honestly I would talk to Brazil and say the other morning when I slept over I went to check my email on your computer and saw an open conversation that you had on FB. And then just tell him what you saw and that you're through with him. If he gets mad at you for snooping, I would just say "it wasn't my place to look through your conversation because it was personal and I'm sorry, but the fact of the matter is you lied to me and I don't trust you, and you're a jackass." That way you address it but shut him down at the same time. Really no need to have to explain yourself or let him explain himself. I hope you can move on from this!