I Guess This Is How It Ends

Brazil:

Listen,

I dont know who told you that, and Im not gonna kill myself trying to find out. that person is either misinformed or is trying something with you. Anyway, did I talk to stephanie recently? yes. Do I still have feelings for her? yes.

I have nothing but respect towards you, and I would never do something to hurt you purposely Peyton. Im not that much of an ass hole. If I wanted to, id have never mentioned the name of stepahnie, but i was always trying to keep you updated of what's going on, being honest.

It kills me you're hurting now because of me, it really does.You are a great girl, with a big heart You might not believe a single word im saying here, but i was really trying to make things work with you, and I really enjoyed alll the times we were together. I never meant to cause you pain, and i hate that everything is ending like this. I am a mess now, obviously not ready to start dating anyone, and I am sorry i frustrated you and made you waste your time. I was trying to make something work with someone new, and did not allow myself sometime to digest what happened in my last relationship.

I just want you to know I am very sad and bummed too, It was never my intention to hurt you...

I hope someday you'll forgive me, and maybe could be my friend. I understand if you dont.



Me:

((Sigh)) Ok, let me start by saying that I'm not mad anymore. And I don't want to scare you off or put you on the defensive, I just want to talk to you. I don't want to argue with you, or go back and forth about this, but just to clarify I am not mad at you for mentioning Stephanie to me. I am upset, because you were not completely honest with me about what was really going on between you and her. I thought I made it pretty clear how nervous it made me to be seeing you, full well knowing you were still hung up on her. That put me in a really horrible position because my feelings for you were getting stronger, and yet there was this constant nagging possibility of you just jumping ship to get back with Stephanie. But you told me that there was no chance you would get back together with her, because you knew she would treat you the same way again. And I took your word for it, because I had no reason not to. When Valentine's Day came and went and I didn't hear anything from you, I wasn't upset that you didn't text me or call me to wish me happy Vday, but I definitely did think about you, and I definitely did wonder if you would be thinking about her, or talking to her or seeing her. I guess it's my fault for being so naive.
I haven't been misinformed about anything, and to be honest, I'm not mad at you. I'm just really hurt, and really disappointed. I know you keep saying that you weren't using me, but the truth is that you were. Whether or not you realized or intended it, you were using me as an emotional resting place, a warm body to fill your time, and your bed, while you tried to work everything out in your head.
I'm a pretty perceptive person, and I've had a lot of experience with guys who lie, guys who cheat, guys who play games and have manipulated me. I'm not saying that you are any of those things, but it's taught me quite a bit over the years, maybe even made me a little paranoid, definitely made me very jaded. I know I seem "tough" as you like to say, but as you can see, I have a pretty good reason for coming across that way. I definitely don't feel tough now. I just feel like shit.
I *want* to forgive you, in fact, I wish I could just forget all of this ever happened. I care about you more than I even realized at the time. But now it just seems like you're more concerned with finding out who said what and when, than actually confronting the issue and dealing with it.
I'm sorry if I was mean, and yelled or whatever the other night. I know I have a tendency to scare people off by intimidating them and shutting down. But that was not how I wanted that conversation to go. I was hoping you would have taken that opportunity to just explain everything to me, instead of getting all defensive and denying everything.
I'm not dumb, [Brazil]. I'm actually pretty smart. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together. All this time you've been doing a lot of talking, and I've been doing a lot of listening, but I don't think you really learned all that much about me. So if you want to sit down and talk like rational adults, I'm all for that, but only if you agree to be 100% completely honest with me about everything. And of course, I will do the same. I won't judge you, or get mad about anything you tell me. We haven't been exclusive, and it was your prerogative to see other people. But I can't deal with lies, [Brazil]. That's where I have to draw the line, because how will I be able to trust you?? I haven't kept anything from you. And I feel like I've been really patient, and tried to understand your point of view, and the situation that you were in with Stephanie and just be supportive about everything. Have I not?
If you don't wanna talk, and you think this is just for the best, then that's fine. But if that's the case, then I think we should just cut off all communication. It will be easier that way.

Brazil:

Let me be very clear. I spent valentine's day alone. Mostly cause i had class that tuesday night. Second, because I did not feel comfortable enough spending valentine's with you cause i think that its a commitment by itself. For the record, yes, i was bummed that i was not with stephanie during that day. Just so you know, even if i wanted to, she was in Ohio doing training for her work. I know this cause she reached me every day while she was there.

The talks i have with her are mostly around this topic: She wants me but not as a boyfriend, and I always reply saying im not gonna be used again. It goes back and forth. there's a lot of shouting, finger pointing and very hurtful arguments. There was no sex, i wont be used like that again. You can believe this or not, but that is the truth.

IM not keeping anything from you Peyton. If i thought u were stupid i would have not seen you for all this time. i Also cant see this working anymore, not as long as i completely get over this devil that haunts me. I need time for myself.

I could never fall in love with anyone else, if i dont get over this first. Thats what i was trying to do. I was always attracted to you, and you made me laugh, you're beautiful, and you are funny too. It is reaching the point that im so anxious that im almost cracking up walking down the street. It is ridiculous how this affects me, idk if told u this before but Im even going to therapy because of it (please keep this between us).

I would be more than surprised if something between me and stephanie ever worked. I dont trust her, she has some very serious issues, and even though I tried helping, she has a problem and cant open up about shit. She will never be what i want her to be. Again, this is not your problem and I should not be bothering you with it.

Im not gonna go witch hunting here, to find out who told you this. All i want is for you to forgive me for wasting your time. It was an honest mistake, I was seriously trying, but I am all fucked inside. You deserve so much better than me, this is really bad timing and unfortunate.

Again, I am more than willing to talk to you at anytime as well, Id like for us to have the best relationship as we can possibly have. I just dont wanna hurt myself or anyone else anymore. It's been a really bad winter, and I cant wait till this bad period ends.

Me: you're being a bit vague. 
that is, it seems like you contradicted yourself a couple times, and i don't know what you actually mean

Brazil: what do u want to know?

Me: i want to know what you mean.
first you wrote "i Also cant see this working anymore" and then, "All i want is for you to forgive me for wasting your time" but then you said "Id like for us to have the best relationship as we can possibly have" which basically negates the first 2 things, so i'm just really confused
the only thing i know for certain is that you need to be alone for while
*a while


Brazil: what i was trying to say, is that yes I need to be alone for a while.

and

I dont want you to hate me forever, and think im a player, liar and cheater. You're the kind of person i want to keep close, even as just a friend (even if thats impossible for now)

I dont think im ready to give what you expect from me, aim towards a relationship

im not a scumbag

Me: i know you aren't

ready i mean

but i

am not going to just suddenly be your friend either

this isn't a business transaction

i mean...

Brazil: i dont think it is

Me: I don't know what you want me to say...
forgiveness is one thing, but an apology doesn't change the past. it doesn't undo the damage that's already been done

Brazil: this might be wrong time to say this. but I really really like you, and i respect you a lot. Do i like you more than as friends? Of course. I just dont think im ready to be dating anyone for now
and the last thing i want is to hurt you again, like i just did

Me:  you are where i was a little over a year ago

which is why i am so familiar with this situation
why do you think i ended up halfway across the country??

Brazil: what happened?

Me: it doesn't matter

Brazil: please tell me

Me: i don't really feel like it

Brazil: ok

Me: what difference would it make anyway?

you aren't ready to be with someone. you know it. and i know it.

but i am, or at least i was...

Brazil: true

Me: So that puts us on 2 different trajectories

Brazil: i agree

i just need to be able to fall in love again, but for that i need time

Me: so i think we should should just....go our own ways
love?! lol
don't count on it

Brazil: what?

Me: nevermind

Brazil: whats wrong with that?

Me: i guess you're not as incapable of moving on as you think you are

Brazil: im not saying ur in love with me, if that's what ur saying

Me: NO lol

thats not what i was saying

i'm saying that you still believe in falling in love, and assuming that, in having someone fall in love with you in return, you know, simultaneously

in my opinion, that doesn't happen in real life

Brazil: yeah, i believe in that

it happened to me

twice

Me: love is a word often used loosely

Brazil: to me love, is when you wnat to be wtih a person all the time, and would do anything for them

thats how i see it

Me: well, i don't really wanna talk about love

in fact, i think maybe we should just end this conversation before it gets...

i dunno

Brazil: weird? lol

i understand

well, if you ever feel like calling me, txting me , or talking to me, please do. Im never gonna shut you down, I just need some time for myself. Im sorry about everything, about this mess.

Me: i'm a little...emotionally unstable right now. i don't want to be held accountable for what i say.

Brazil: So am I. You're an incredible person Peyton.

Me: i hope you don't think i'm ok with this. nobody is skipping off into the sunset.

stop complimenting me

it doesn't matter what kind of person i am

in the end

does it?

Brazil: skipping to the sunset?

i didnt get that

Me: it's just an expression.

Brazil: well, alright. i hope u have a good night..

Me: right
i sure will

Brazil: what should i say? im not mr.happy here too ok? this sucks for both of us. i feel like a fucking asshole. i should just stop talkign now.... bye, sorry


God...I'd forgotten how much this hurts. How could I ever forget something like this?