While I'm still not really sure what I'm doing with Brazil in the long run, I think we've made some steps in the right direction. After I posted yesterday, he texted me, asking if I wanted to hang out before work, and he mentioned going to dinner, so that I wouldn't be hungry at 3 in the morning like on Friday night. :/ He really is a sweetheart. But I just couldn't stop thinking about the thing with his ex. So I sent him this...
Me: I've been thinking about everything you said. And I'm kind of...scared to keep doing what we're doing. I mean I understand what you're going through, almost all too well, which is why it makes me really nervous that you still have feelings for your ex. I can't compete with that, and I don't want to. I have to protect myself too, and I don't want to become attached to someone who is emotionally unavailable. I just don't want to be in a situation like that again, it never ends well for me. I'm not saying I don't want to keep seeing you, because I do, but I just feel like you should know where I'm at right now.
Then several minutes went by and I started to second guess myself saying that to him, and agonizing over what he must be thinking, and I started to feel like a real asshole. So I just curled up in bed and laid there for a while. Finally, he responded...
(Keep in mind he's foreign, so sometimes his diction is a little...different. Lol.)
Brazil: I mean it's fair enough. I would not say I'm emotionally unavailable, but I'm recovering from something, and I'm playing it very safe cause the last thing I want is the same thing to happen again. The feelings I have towards Stephanie are hate, and anger, they're not pretty. I just need time so it will all wash away. I'd love to keep seeing you, cause I enjoy being around you more with everytime we meet. I also understand you have to protect yourself. Anyway, I'm here and I'm willing.
Me: Willing to what?
Brazil: To see you, and give this a try. All I ask is for us to take our time, that's all. As I said, I'll always be honest, just like I was this morning.
Me: I understand playing it safe, I don't have any problems with you or the way you're handling things. It's just my past experiences have shaped me as well, and I've learned it's generally not a good idea to get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship because there's too much hurt/frustration/residual feelings that can often lead to ups and downs and back and forths, and that's like...torture for me. I don't want to sit around wondering if the ex is just going to pop up out of nowhere and reenter the picture. It's happened to me before.
I appreciate you being honest with me, it's one of the things I really like about you, but it still puts me on my guard. I can't help it.
Brazil: I understand, even though it might not be beneficial for me, I won't lie cause I don't want to hurt anyone. But as I said, if I wanted to be with her now, I could. I don't think it's gonna happen. I'd rather have you respect me now, even though you might not want to see me as often, or as much as we were. It's not what I want, but I respect your position.
Me: I still want to hang out with you, I just think we should be more...normal.
Brazil: Lol ok. Cause we too weird, right? Haha I'll be home all afternoon as I said, and if you want to come by, the offer still stands.
After that I went on to explain that I just want us to spend more time getting to know each other outside of "My place or your place?" situations and we both basically came to the conclusion that we want the same things right now, but the future is still up in the air. So we're just gonna...go with it and see what happens.
After work last night, I crashed at his place, since it's close by. He did stay at my place on Friday night, so I guess I'm gonna let that situation slide...for now. He even bought cereal and milk! Just for me!! Because I was teasing him about never having any food at his place, and he knows how much I love breakfast. :)
This morning, he had to get up around 10 and go to band practice, but instead of waking me, he kissed the exposed side of my neck and told me to stay and sleep as long as I wanted. So when I finally got up this afternoon, I did a little cleaning up around his place for him. :) He literally just got home and found it a minute ago. Haha. After his band practice, he went over to a friends place to watch the Superbowl so I told him he'd find some surprises when he got home. I'll paste...
Brazil: Harry Potter takeover on my laptop?? Lol.
I put a HP desktop background on his computer. Hehehe...
Me: Hahaha congratulations! You found surprise number 1!
Brazil: Ha!! My table is cleaned! :D
He literally had the most cluttered kitchen table I've ever seen in my life! It took me like an hour just to go through all the crap he had!!
Brazil: Temper Trap? Lol.
I downloaded their Conditions album and added it to his iTunes. Then I proceeded to listen to it while I did his dishes. Lol.
Brazil: Thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :) ;)
Me: Lol yessss...there's just one more.
Brazil: DISHES!!! :D
Me: DINGDINGDINGDING!!! Lol, that's all of them, unless you want to count my subway sandwich that I forgot in your fridge. :(
Brazil: Thanks for doing that, it would have probably taken me ages to touch that table
Me: Lol I've never seen so many pill bottles in my life. Or unopened mail!! I left the trash in those bags on the chair, just in case you wanna look through them and check I didn't throw out anything you need.
Brazil: :P K, thanks, I'll go through it!
So clearly he needs to do some organizing. But I'm finding that sometimes, I like having someone to take care of. :)