Friday, December 25, 2015

Convo with Lane

Please help me to decipher this. I've been agonizing over it for the last several hours, and I know my tendency to over analyze, I just need other opinions/interpretations so I can get my head right before he gets here. Also, I don't know why the middle section is smaller...sorry lol. Oh, and I'd had like a whole bottle of wine when we had this conversation. He wasn't entirely sober either. I like him. I want...I dunno. I want possibilities. I wanna hope that this can be something more, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. And I also want this to be fun! I don't wanna be stressing out over this the whole time he is here. HELP MEEEEE!!!! I'm desperate. Seriously.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

It's Happening

It's really happening. Lane bought a plane ticket. He's coming here, he's staying with me, and he's going out with me and my friends for NYE. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself, but I'm also really nervous, because I feel like I'm falling for him, and I don't know that I can go the whole weekend of him being here without telling him how I feel. And I don't think he'll go for the long distance thing. ((Sigh)). I mean I'm not a fan of long distance relationships either, but there's just something about him... He's the exception. It would be worth it I think. Ughhh...the excitement plus the anticipation, plus my nerves make for a real Molotov cocktail of feelings.
Speaking of feelings, I've been trying to get my depression/anxiety issues under control. I finally went to see a doctor about my panic attacks and I was diagnosed with acute anxiety disorder and depression. Not much of a surprise I guess. Although I'm not exactly sure where the anxiety is coming from. I mean my life in general is kind of up and down, and I do have a lot of stress, but I was always able to manage it before. But it was time for me to face the fact that I was no longer managing it, and I needed help. So now I'm on medication, and it's helping, I guess. It's just a bit of an adjustment. And hopefully I'll get back on track soon.
I realized there's a lot of stuff I haven't written about on here yet, like my roommate for example. I've had 2 since moving to NOLA actually. The first one was Tom. And that was AWFUL. He was a nice guy, and cool, but a horrible roommate. The last straw was when he brought some chick home, she stayed here for 4 days, he never even introduced me to her, and then he had sex with her with his bedroom door WIDE OPEN. His room opens directly to the living room. I live in a double shotgun house, there are no hallways. And it was only like 10 o'clock!! Ughh. That was the last straw for me. There were tons of other awful situations living with him, but that one definitely took the cake. I talked to my mom/landlord about it and immediately started looking for a new roomie.
So now I live with Jen. She's a little weird, and not very girly like I am, and she smokes (which I hate, but she does it outside), but surprisingly, we get along great! I love living with her! We're actually like...friends! And she's an amazing cook, and loves making dinner for us, so that's also a plus. The only shitty thing about it (besides the smoking) is her little yappy, needy dog. He doesn't like anybody but her, he whines and howls loudly every time she leaves, he's always shitting and pissing on my side of the house and he bit me once, pretty bad. I seriously never thought it was possible to hate a dog, but I really hate hers. But she's been living here since the beginning of September, so we've spent a lot of that time figuring out how to make living with her dog manageable. And it's getting better. She also has a really nice boyfriend who comes over every other weekend and fixes stuff and does yard work lol. So, another perk of living with Jen.

Anyway, that's about all that's going on with me right now. I just spend like 75% of every day thinking about Lane. Ugh... It's been so long since I've been this way about a guy that it really scares me.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015


A while back I reminded all of you about Lane, a guy I met and briefly dated in Chicago. We got back in touch a little over a year ago, and have stayed in touch ever since, even though we haven't actually seen each other. We talk all the time! I mean actually talk, not text. We FaceTime at least once a week, and text almost every day. We've become pretty good friends I'd say, but I'm still in this same predicament. Am I being stupid? Is it pointless to continue this? I would be willing to commit to a relationship with him at this point IF we saw each other and things were as great in person as they are now, and IF he was willing to give it a shot, of course. I haven't told any of this to him though because I'm not sure if he feels the same way, and I don't wanna scare him off. He did talk about coming to NOLA for New Year's Eve this year, and he said a couple of his friends were down for the trip, but that was like 2 or 3 weeks ago, and he hasn't brought it up again since. ((Sigh)) I just feel like the more we talk, and the more we get to know each other, the more comfortable I get with him, and the more I depend on him, and the more I like him. And I don't want to develop strong feelings for him if there's no possibility of a relationship or anything. I'm no longer interested in just having flings with people. This is just getting so frustrating! I don't know what to do! Do I try to bring it up over the phone and sort of feel him out, or do I wait and see if he ends up coming down here for NYE? And if he does come, and there are fireworks, do I bring it up then, or wait and see what happens? And if he doesn't come, do I just keep on with this indefinite slightly more than friends friendship or what?? I wonder if he ever thinks about this kinda stuff. I doubt it. Ugh...