Sunday, August 31, 2008

The Make Up

Friday was mostly miserable. All I could think about was Rusty, and by the time it was time to go to Todd's tailgate party, I didn't even feel like getting dressed. I just wasn't in a social mood. But I made myself go, and I brought Oliver and sat outside in the blistering heat for about an hour, before ducking out early to head back home. I kept my phone in my pocket the whole time, hoping he would call, but he didn't.
So after the party, I went back to sleep. I figured I could probably use the sleep, since I hadn't had a full night in about 5 days. Plus, at least when I was sleeping, I wasn't worrying about Rusty.
I woke up around 8:30 and started getting ready to go out. I had made up my mind. I would just go up to work, approach him, and apologize. Just explain it to him. And if he didn't wanna talk to me, well then...fine. So I put on one of my sexiest tops, and some tight fitting jeans and headed out. As I was walking up to the door of my bar, I could hear him singing from inside. He sounded great as always. I took a deep breath and went in. Cameryn and a couple of the waitresses had just gotten off work, so I went and chilled with them for a while. Cameryn mentioned something about Rusty being "Peyton's dude" in front of the other girls. I was completely shocked! First of all, because the only people at work who know are Alyssa and Bethany, and second because she's a manager and I just didn't figure she'd bother with gossip. After a little bit, they all decided to head over the shot bar, but I stayed to wait for Rusty's set to be over. Then Sharon came up to hang out. She's one of my coworker's girlfriends, and she's the one who was puppysitting for me on Thursday night.
Finally his set ended. As soon as he set his guitar down, we made eye contact. I flushed and turned back around. The next thing I knew, he was right behind me.
"Hey," he said, "You came!" He seemed genuinely happy to see me.
"Yea." I said, and couldn't help but smile.
"So...you don't hate me?" He asked hesitantly.
"What??? No! Look...I'm sorry I freaked out on you last night. I just...I was kind of drunk, and my feelings were hurt, and I overreacted a little."
"It's ok," he said, "Why didn't you call me today? I wasn't expecting you to show up after I didn't hear from you."
"Well I tried calling you last night, but you didn't answer, so I just figured you didn't wanna talk to me. And I thought if you did, then you'd call." I told him.
"Oh. Well I was waiting for you to call, cuz you were the one that was mad."
"Well, yea, I was but..."
"Look, I just can't trust my roommate alone in the apartment when there's people over. I mean I have a lot of expensive equipment in there and I don't want it to get stolen. And he was really drunk... I had to stay home. I wasn't planning on it or anything." He explained.
"It's fine. We can talk about it later if you want." I said, and then he kissed me! And it was like in that moment, my whole day went from being crappy, to being wonderful. :) I mean he was just so cool about the whole thing. No drama whatsoever. It was just...over. That's it!
So Sharon and I hung out for a while, and watched him play, then we went over to the shot bar for a while, then we went back. It was a really fun night over all. The best part being that Rusty came home with me and we cuddled all night, and all day today. :)
We went out to lunch, then I played the piano for him, and we watched Heroes in bed...
Today was complete bliss.
In fact, I just got home from work about 20 minutes ago, and he's on the phone with me right now practically begging me to come over. But I'm definitely staying home tonight.
Alyssa and Russ are having a Labor Day party tomorrow afternoon and he's coming with me. Then I have to go to work...ugh.
Anyways, I really need to direct my attention towards our phone conversation right now, because he's being very persistent about me coming over, and I think I'm losing this argument...

Friday, August 29, 2008

Phase II: Disappointment

Todd is having a tailgate party today at 3 o'clock for his first game. A couple days ago, I asked Rusty if he'd go with me.
"So you're saying you want me to go with you?" He said.
"I'm asking if you wanna come with me." I said.
"Well, yea, sure. That sounds like fun." He agreed.
I spent both Tuesday and Wednesday night at his place, Oliver in tow. We had a lot of fun, as usual, and there was a lot of making out. :)
Yesterday morning when we were laying in bed I told him it was his turn to stay with me. I had spent the last 2 nights over there, and plus we had that party to go to, which is right by my apartment. So he said ok.
So last night both Alyssa and I got off at 9, and we had plans to hang out afterward. Rusty, of course, wanted me to go watch his show, which was about 30 minutes south of Houston. And of course, me wanting to see him, decided to go. But I played it cool when he asked, and I told him maybe.
But by yesterday afternoon, he was asking if I'd be there and I said yes.
So Alyssa and I drove down there, and Russ and his brother and fiance met us there too. The place he was playing at is definitely not my favorite place to hang out, and I've definitely been there too many times in the last week. But the only reason I was there was to see him play.
He gave me a kiss as soon as I got there, and we took some shots together. While he was playing, I played darts with Alyssa and everybody, and we had a good time. Then around 12:30 Alyssa & company decided to leave, but I stayed to wait for Rusty. Rusty's roommate and girlfriend had just showed up. It was her birthday and they were both pretty drunk. So I hung out with them during his last set.
When they were finally done playing, and he came over to our table, I told him we couldn't hang around very long afterward because I needed to go pick up Oliver from a friend's house, who was babysitting. Then he acted kinda iffy about staying over at my place.
"Why can't you just stay over here?" He pleaded.
"Because! I can't just leave Oliver! I told her I'd get him by like 3:30."
"Well then just go get him and come back."
"What!? No way. Drive all the way back there, get him, and then drive all the way back down here, just so I can get up and drive all the way back to Houston again?? That doesn't make any sense. I have to go home tonight."
He sighed.
"Well, we'll figure it out after we finish putting everything away." He said.
"What is there to figure out? Whether or not you're with me, I have to go home tonight." I said firmly, "I mean if I woulda known you were just gonna stay here, I would have left with Alyssa." Now I was starting to get upset. What about the party? What about everything we had agreed on??
"Ok well we'll talk about when I'm done." He said dismissively.
I sighed and sat back down to wait. After about 15 minutes, I told him I was just going to wait in my car because it was freezing in there. So I went outside to wait.
...and wait....and wait.
Finally he came out, and put his guitar, a mic stand, and something else in a big case that I dunno what it was, in my back seat. Then I waited some more, and then he got in the car. By this time, I was on the phone with Bethany. She had called me while I was waiting for him. So when I got off the phone, we were almost to his house.
"So, why can't you just get your stuff and come back with me?" I asked.
"Well...I just really kinda wanna stay here tonight." He said.
"Okay..." I said, in an obviously put-out voice.
"You can't be mad though."
"Why not?? I mean I drove all the way out here for like the past 4 days, I mean I know you can't drive, but is it too much to ask for you to at least try to meet me halfway??"
"Well, it's just that it's [Roommate's Girlfriend's] birthday, and everybody's coming over..."
"Ok then."
"Don't be mad..."
I didn't say anything. We were pulling into his parking lot. I was seething. I felt so used. So taken for granted. So much like I felt when I was with Daniel.
He took all his stuff out of my back seat and set it on the ground.
"You're not even gonna come in for a little bit?" He asked.
"I can't. I have to go get my dog."
"Well are you gonna at least give me a kiss?"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm pissed off, and I don't kiss people that I'm pissed off at." I retorted.
I stared straight ahead.
"Well I'm gonna kiss you then."
He leaned in to kiss me. I turned away. He sighed and stood up.
"Call me later?" He said, hopefully.
I just looked at him. Then he shut the door and I drove off.

I was just so...hurt. And frustrated, and angry and sad, and disappointed...
I mean why is it that I'm always doing all these things, and going way out of my way for guys and they never seem to appreciate it???
I cried a little, then got mad again, then cried some more on my drive home. I tried calling Melissa, but of course she didn't answer. It was 3:20am.
After I got home from picking up Oliver, I got a text.
"That was mean." He said.
I hadn't been planning to call him, text him, or anything. I was gonna let him make the first move. I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon, and I was pissed that he was calling me mean.
"I'm not being mean. I'm fucking tired of feeling used. And I'm tired of always going out of my way and being taken for granted and this is what it always fucking comes to. For once it would be nice to meet a guy who actually puts me before himself. Usually when I get mad, it's cuz I've been hurt. This is no exception." I replied.
He immediately wrote back.
"Well I guess you don't like me then."
"Yea. That's exactly it. Take the easy way out." I said.
"I wasn't trying to get out."
"Then what ARE you trying to do?? Have you even thought about what you're saying? Or about how *I* might feel??" I demanded.
"I think you're making a big deal out of nothing."
OHHHHH no he did not. The ultimate dismissal. I couldn't stop myself.
I was so mad, at first all I said was, "Ok then."
But then the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to say, so I wrote:
I came all the way down to the south side tonight, and yesterday, and the day before, just to see you. Because you can't drive. I could have stayed in Houston tonight. In fact, I WANTED to stay in Houston tonight! But I wanted to see you more, so I went. And I just wanted you to come to this thing with me tomorrow, but it's obviously not important to you. And you made me wait for you tonight, just so I could give you a ride home, and then you left me high and dry. Not only do I feel used, but I feel hurt, and passed over, and insignificant. You're right. No big deal. For someone with my past, it's easy to get unsettled in this shitty, and all too familiar situation."
He didn't write back. Ten minutes went by, then 15, then 20...still nothing. By this time I was laying in bed, second guessing everything, and over analyzing everything, like I always do.
Maybe he's just not that into me, I thought, I'm gonna call him and ask him! I'm not gonna continue to waste time and feelings on a guy if he's not even into me! I decided. Bad move. It's scary the things that alcohol and PMS can do to you. Of course, he didn't answer. And now I looked pathetic and desperate. I lie awake thinking about it for at least an hour before drifting into an uneasy sleep. I woke up 2 and a half hours later and called Melissa.
By this time, I was thinking clearly. Oh my god. I fucked it up. I'm such an idiot, was all I kept thinking. I did overreact. I was drunk. And upset. He struck a bad note, you know? Putting me in that situation again, and I went a little overboard. And I was majorly regretting it.
I told Melissa the whole story on the phone.
"You were probably mean to him in the car last night, weren't you?" She said, honestly, but teasingly.
"Yea...I was. I'm such a bitch! He tried to kiss me and I turned away."
Melissa laughed.
"Oh Peyton! I know you; you can be so mean to guys sometimes! Look. He's going to call you, don't worry. He really likes you. Just go back to sleep, get some rest, and he'll probably call you between 2 and 3. If he doesn't, well then you'll see him tonight at his show."
(He's playing at my work tonight.)
"Well yea, but what if he doesn't!?"
"He will! I promise." She said adamantly.
I sighed.
"Well what am I supposed to say if he does call?"
"You probably made him feel stupid last night, that's why he didn't respond to you. Just tell him you were hurt, upset, disappointed... Use words he understands. And just tell him you know you went overboard a little, but you just weren't in the right state of mind, you were kind of drunk... "
"Ok, and if he doesn't call? Am I just supposed to show up tonight?? I took today off ya know, I'm not gonna already be there."
"Ok, if he doesn't call you by 5, then call me and we'll talk about it."
"Ok." I resigned.

After we got off the phone, I stayed in bed for just a few more minutes before I got up to write.
I feel so horrible. I really like this guy, and as usual, I'm blowing it. I know how I am. I know I trust too easily, and fall too quickly, and demand too much too soon... I know! And I always say the wrong thing. I always scare them away. I just...didn't think he would scare so easily. I mean I told him from the beginning that I could be mean, and that he would probably like me less the more he got to know me. But he just laughed and said he was liking me more and more. ((sigh))


I don't know what I'm going to do if he doesn't call me. I have to talk to him. I have to make this right. All while trying not to seem desperate. Ugh. If worse comes to worse I will have to go to his show and talk to him. I just really don't wanna be seen with him at my work, because of rumors, etc. Especially not if we're fighting about something. ((Sigh))

I don't even feel like going to the party anymore. I really wanted him to be there.

Way to fuck it up again, Peyton.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Phase I: Infatuation

I've spent this entire past week with him. It's like I can't get enough of him! And it all started with his show. I went to watch him play, and it was like he became this...this amazing, talented, superhot, smart guy, who I can't help but desire. But then off stage, he's goofy and dorky and kind of shy. And I love it!
He's stayed over here a couple times, and I've stayed with him a couple times. Our dogs love each other too, so that makes things easier.
He wrote this entire song yesterday! Music, lyrics and all, and recorded it and played it for me today and it was...beautiful! Amazing! Ridiculously impressive. And it's not like I'm hero worshipping him or anything, it's just that I have so much respect for him, as a fellow musician. I guess... and I like him!!
I mean he's sooooo nice! He's really sweet to me all the time, and he's always telling me he likes me. I mean, it's just everything! It's the way he looks at me. The way he kisses me on the cheek when we're out. The way he kisses me on the shoulder when we're laying on the couch, watching a movie. The way he likes to hold my hand. The way I always wanna be near him. The way when we're apart, all I think about is the next time I'm gonna see him. The way he sings. The way he makes me completely forget about everything when we're together. The way he always wears those silly black dress shoes with everything. Lol. ((Sigh))
And apparently he tells all his friends about me, because every time I meet one of them, they mention how much they've heard about me. And I almost feel bad, cuz I haven't really told anyone we've been hanging out. I mean, after all the forewarning, and all the stuff people have told me about him, I just feel stupid telling people that we're dating. I dunno why, it's dumb.
But anyways...
I'm just trying to figure out if what I'm feeling is something real. I mean it's all so sudden! And none of it makes sense really.
So, how do you ever know? Is it love? Or just infatuation?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Early Worm Gets The Worm

Omg. I woke up at 6:30 this morning to the sound of very loud hammering in the apartment directly above me. The maintenance guys are replacing the carpet. Ugh.
At first, I was so groggy with sleep that I just assumed it was my neighbor. So I got out of bed and grabbed one of my wooden wedges and started banging on the ceiling. Oliver was looking at me like I was crazy. Lol. Then I giggled and laid back down, but the hammering didn't stop, and could not sleep. I'm so pissed. I went to bed at 3am!! That's only 3.5 hours of sleep!!
So I got up and took Oliver out for a peepee walk. But for some reason, as soon as I get him out on the leash, all he wants to do is play! And he won't go to the bathroom!! I'm having trouble getting him to go on the pee pad too. He keeps having little accidents all over the place. It's like I'm perpetually following him around with a roll of paper towels and a spray bottle. Lol. Well, as soon as he's old enough to get his second round of shots, I'm gonna enroll him in a puppy training class.
He's absolutely adorable though! He follows me around everywhere, he likes to play, and chase me, and he's SOOO cute when he sleeps! He's like a ragdoll; he just falls asleep wherever I put him, however I put him. Lol.
Anyways!! So I hung out with Rusty the other night. I met him at the bar where he had his gig, but he was already done playing. So he bought me a drink, and introduced me to a couple of his friends. By the time I had gotten down there though, it was already 1:30am, so he asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie. I hesitated before answering, and he assured me that his roommate and a couple of his friends would be over too, so no pressure. Lol.
So I went. When we first got there, it was just the 2 of us. So we sat down on the couch and he put on a movie. But we didn't really watch the movie, because I was too distracted with his half-Dalmatian puppy, and he just kept talking! I mean he talked so much I was almost shocked! He just never struck me as the chatty type. And I was starting to get really sleepy so my attention kinda kept wandering while he was talking. Rude, I know, but you know how when you're on the phone, and the TV is on, and you're sort of just staring at the TV and not listening to your phone conversation, but you're not actually watching the TV, you're just...spaced out?? Well, that kept happening to me, and then I was suddenly aware that he was silent.
"What?" I asked quickly, trying to cover my faux-pas.
"Would it be ok if I kissed you?" He asked again.
I was so caught off-guard, I probably stared at him with my mouth hanging open for a good 5 seconds. Then I started giggling.
"I can't believe you're actually asking me that!"
"Why not?" I could tell he was trying to gauge whether or not he should be embarrassed.
"I dunno...just...because people don't usually ask that kind of thing. Especially not on the first date. I mean, what if I say no??"
"Are you saying no?"
"I haven't said anything."
Then he leaned in, and kissed me! Tentatively, and gently, just his lips on mine for a few seconds. I was having so many mixed feelings. I mean, for one, I hardly know this guy! And I'm not sure yet if I wanna get involved with him. I mean...my conscience is telling me it's probably a bad idea. He's in a band, he has a track record of being a player, he didn't even finish high school! But another part of me is very intrigued. And he seems so different than what I thought. He's really...unguarded. And sweet. And it was so obvious how much he was genuinely into me, and he wasn't afraid to let that show. ((sigh)) So I kissed him back, but I was careful not to give anything away.
Then I was kind of distracted with my thoughts for the rest of the night. We kissed some more, then his roommate came home, and we smoked. It was pouring down rain by this time, and now I was not only sleepy, but high. Rusty told me I was welcome to stay the night, but I said no, I really needed to get home, I had a lot of stuff to do tomorrow...etc.
But I ended up staying anyway. It was a little awkward, I mean I was fully clothed, freezing, and not very comfortable, and he kept wanting to cuddle! And it was just kind of...weird. Because like I said, I hardly know him, and it's not like we're boyfriend-girlfriend, so I felt weird laying in his bed with his arm around me. I've never been good with PDA unless I've been with the guy for a while, or unless I'm madly in love with him. So it felt a little awkward. But I was so tired, that I didn't even care. I fell asleep almost immediately.
The next morning, my alarm went off and I got up to leave. He got up and kissed me again, with more abandon this time. Then he walked me to my car, and asked me when I was coming back. I said I didn't know, and I don't.
He's been texting me frequently ever since. He wanted me to hang out with him again last night, but I stayed home with Oliver.
So now he is actively pursuing me. Bethany thinks I should stay away from him because he used to date one of our old coworkers, and he cheated on her. But in his defense, that was a couple years ago, and he's not the only person that's cheated. ((sigh))
So I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just need to get to know him better. But I do know in the back of my head, that there is no real future for Rusty and I. So why wasted my time?? Because I have nothing else going on? Because I think he's hot, and I'm strangely drawn to him? While neither of those reasons would stand in court, I still might not be able to help myself.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Love At First Sight!

First Dates!

So I got a text from JD around 5, asking if I would mind if we went out later than our originally planned 7:30. He got stuck at work or something. I told him that was fine, and I was actually kind of relieved too because I still felt exhausted and sore from Sunday. So I told him to just let me know when he was leaving work.
About 2 hours later, he texted me again, saying dinner probably wouldn't be an option because he didn't think he'd get out of work for at least a couple more hours. By this point, I was starting to think I might cancel. I mean, I was just so tired, and achy...ugh. Plus, I was starting to wonder if maybe he was trying to stand me up! But I decided f*ck it. I didn't really have anything to lose at that point. So he texted me again and asked if I wanted to meet him for coffee, and I agreed.
So at 11 o'clock, I headed over to Starbucks. I texted him to tell him I was pulling in, and he told me he was waiting in line. I was really nervous to go inside. I sat in my car for a good 5 minutes, taking deep breaths and talking myself into being calm. Then I went inside.
I recognized him immediately from his pictures, but he was taller than I'd expected. Which is great! I mean, I'm 5'8", so tall guys are hard to come by for me. And he was cute! Hot even! He has dark hair, and dark eyes, and a nice body. Anyways, I walked right up to him and said hi. Then we sat down and just...talked! For 2 hours! We joked, and talked about our jobs, hobbies, pets, etc... Then around 1am, (this was a 24-hour Starbucks) he mentioned that he was gonna have to get up at 7am, so I told him I wouldn't keep him. We slowly made our way to the door, lingered outside for another few minutes, then he gave me a hug, and we went our separate ways.
When I got in the car, I argued with myself about sending him a text. I mean I don't wanna seem desperate, and I wanna follow the "rules" but I don't think this situation has been covered! I mean, our e-mails online were a lot more...personal it seems. But it WAS the first time we were meeting in person, and it's been a while since I've been on that dating website.

Ok I just got off the phone with him. Here's the gyst:
"Hey! What are you doing?"
"Omg! I was starting to think your phone only had text messaging capabilities."
"Sorry, it's been a crazy night, I would have called you earlier..."
"It's ok, I was only teasing you."
"Well what are you doing? You should come hang out?"

Omg, it's gonna take me too long to type this all out, so I'm just gonna get to the point.
He wants me to go hang out. I haven't told him yes yet, but I'm going to. What the hell?!?
I'm meeting him at some place where he plays sometimes.
I'll write more tomorrow! Wow, 2 dates in 2 days!!


Monday, August 18, 2008

Party Scars

My plane landed at 10:30 am Sunday, which gave me exactly 30 minutes to get to my work, and catch the bus to the lake.
But I got there in plenty of time, changed, slathered on some tanning lotion, and bought myself an energy drink. Bethany and Tug pulled into the parking lot at the same time as me. Bethany and I smoked a bowl and then hopped on the bus.
Just as I had predicted, we didn't leave on time because we were waiting on Valerie. As usual. She is perpetually late to everything. Well we ended up leaving without her, and she just met us at the dock on the lake.
The boat was awesome! It was 2 stories high, with a slide, lots of food, and lots of liquor! I partied so hard, I can't even begin to tell you... Lol.
I brought my camera, and took tons of pictures. We anchored, and all took turns jumping and diving off the top of the boat. It was so much fun! John was there too, and surprisingly, it actually wasn't awkward between us. But that may have just been because we were both... Well we were both partying. I somehow got this huge bruise on my leg, and I have no idea how it happened, but this morning, I woke up and my entire body was hurting! I took 6 Advil (6 Advil=muscle relaxer) and I'm still in pain! But check out this bruise!
That's the outside of my thigh!
Anyways, apparently there's this new girl who just started, and she' only 19. And for some reason, she came to the party. (!?!?!?) And we'd been on the lake for oh...I dunno, an hour? And she was already puking over the side of the boat. And one of our newer bartenders had to sit and take care of her. Now everyone dislikes her. Mainly because
1) She's too young and shouldn't have come in the first place.
2) Even before she got drunk, she was just trying wayyyyyy too hard to fit in. Laughing at peoples' conversations that she wasn't even included in, trying to be funny, and cute, but just actually coming off as really desperate. Know what I mean?? And
3) She got completely wasted, and made a total fool of herself around a bunch of people she doesn't know, including her bosses!!!

I mean, we do all party together, and drink heavily at times, but we're all friends! We know each other! When I first got hired, I would have been so embarrassed to get that drunk in front of my coworkers and managers. She's only been working there 3 days! She hasn't even finished training yet! WTF!? So needless to say, everyone was really annoyed with her by the end of the day. I mean, she couldn't even be left alone!

Well, after the boat, we all went to Front Porch Pub, drank beer and ate junkfood. Lol. Of course, Mr. P. paid for everything! He ordered like 10 baskets of boneless wings and 5 buckets of Bud Light Lime. He does stuff like that when he goes into party mode. Lol.

After that, a smaller group of us went to the strip club. Lol. It was Cameryn's idea, but she had me convinced when she mentioned that they had a swimming pool! Lol. So it was me, Cameryn, Blinn, Jake the Door Guy, Valerie, Bethany, Tug, John, DJ, Mr. P., Polly (waitress/bartender), and Polly's bf. Valerie was so wasted, that nobody even wanted to be around her! She kept trying to make out with Blinn, and he kept trying to get away from her. Lol. It's pretty funny now in retrospect. So when we decided to leave, Blinn jumped at the chance to get out of there, so he could escape Valerie. Lol.

I vaguely recall John saying something to me about how I frustrated him because I told him before that he needed to be more forward, but then when he was, I wasn't into it. I tried to tell him that I just don't like the way he acts when he's drunk. Then he said that he wasn't drunk the night he asked to spend the night, but I wasn't into him then either. Then I said it was because he just sprung that on me! Anyways, our conversation didn't get past that because Cameryn was ready to leave, and I had ridden with her. But at least we both got to finally speak our thoughts on the whole situation. And at least there are no hard feelings between us now. At least, I don't think there are...

Anyways...I'm starting to feel a little better now. Perhaps those Advil are finally kicking in.

Oliver is getting here on Wednesday at 4 o'clock! I can't wait!!!

Oh, and I'm supposed to have that date tonight with JD. I'll be sure to let you guys know how it goes.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

New Orleans

I can't remember the last time I was this exhausted. My whole body aches. Ugh...
Friday night was pretty busy, and I didn't get home till around 4, which gave me only 3 hours to sleep before I had to drive to the airport. I already had everything packed, not just for New Orleans, but for the party Sunday too.
So when 7 am came, I just got out of bed and left.
The flight was too short to take a nap, and I had just drank a RockStar energy drink, so I was tired, but unable to close my eyes. My dad picked me up at the airport and we drove over to my grandparents' house. I haven't been there since before Hurricane Katrina. It's weird how everything looks the same, but different. Not because of the hurricane, just because I have all these distant childhood memories of that place, ya know? And my memories don't really match up to what I saw. Everything just looked so...small! There's this house about 2 doors down from them, and Sophie and I used to think it was this big haunted mansion. Lol. But really it's just a larger than average suburban house. Maybe 5 bedrooms. ((sigh)) It still looks kind of creepy though.
Anyways, Sophie and Brent had driven straight through the night from Florida to get there, so when we arrived, they were upstairs sleeping. Which was exactly what I was intending to do, but I just couldn't seem to escape the family and the excitement and get some shuteye. So I gave up and played with my cousin, Lily. My Aunts Jessica, Josie and Suzanne were already there.
After an hour of visiting, my mom and the aunts headed over to the church to set things up for Poppa and Grandma's 50th Wedding Anniversary party. I went with my Dad, Uncles and cousins to the French Quarter where our hotel was.
Then me and my dad, Noelle, Maddox, Macie, Uncle David, Jonah, Lexi and Savanna and their future step father, BC, (and my future uncle!) all decided to walk a couple blocks down the street for lunch. We ate at this authentic cajun place. It was really good! And of course, we goofed off and played games at the table. The "adults" and Maddox were sitting at a different table, than me and the teenagers. We played this game where you open a bunch of sugar packets, as many as there are people playing, and you dump one of them out, and fill it with salt. Then everybody picks a packet, and you all dump them in your mouth at the same time and try to guess which person got the salt. Lol. But if you get the salt, you have to try not to make a face! Haha, so juvenile, I know. But it was fun.
After lunch we headed back to the hotel to get ready for mass, the vow renewal ceremony, and then the party. Everyone met at the church. I finally got to say hi to Sophie and Brent, and my Uncle Dan, who I hadn't seen yet. Uncle Dan recently had a stroke, about 4 months ago, which left him pretty much helpless for 3 weeks. So my mom and Aunts had to take turns staying with him and helping him out. He in the middle of a law suit now with the hospital, because he went to the hospital 3 times with symptoms and they misdiagnosed him every time! Anyways, he has a slight limp now, but he's still in high spirits.
The ceremony was nice and touching, and party was fun and relaxing. By this time, my lack of sleep was really starting to catch up to me. Finally we headed back to the hotel and we all went swimming. Then I got into a superfun fight with my mom, about the dog again. I don't know why she always feels the need to bring the same shit up and nag me about it, every time I talk to her! I mean I was having a good time, I was in a good mood, and then she tells me that if I get a dog (which I already have, she just doesn't know about it. He's getting here Wednesday!), then she's gonna "get rid of" Benny. Benny is my childhood dog, who lives at home with Sophie's dog. They're best friends! They can't be separated! Plus, Mom and I never once discussed me taking Benny, or her getting rid of him when I decided to move up. She's only bringing it up now, because I wanna get a puppy, and she doesn't want me to. That's what it all boils down to. It's ridiculous. ((sigh)) I'm still mad at my mother about this too. Even my dad agrees that she can never just...let things be. She always has to stir things up! URRRGH!!!
So now it's the end of the night, and not only am I exhausted, but I'm pissed. Me, Noelle, Jonah, Lexi and Savanna walked down to the Cafe du Monde to get some beignets. I wanted to get some fresh air, and clear my head, and not think about my mother.
Afterwards, I finally went to bed. And I slept like a rock. Until I had to get up 5 hours later and hop on another plane. ((sigh))
And that is a story for another blog.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Tank Is Almost on 'E'

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight to New Orleans. It's my grandparents' 50th Wedding Anniversary and the entire immediate family is going to NOLA for the weekend for a mini family reunion. Then Sunday morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight back to Houston because we're having our summer staff outing. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but Tuaca is hosting the party; we've got a double-decker boat on the lake, with a slide, caterers, and free alcohol all day! It's gonna be so much fun!! Everyone at work is really pumped about it.
Things in the boy department have been kinda slow. My guy from Austin, J, did text me again on Monday. He was at the airport and wanted my myspace info so we could still talk while he's in Germany, since obviously he won't be able to use his phone. I'm still being very cautious about everything though, and I'm not letting myself get my hopes up.
Rusty texted me this past Sunday as well, and wanted me to go see his show. Our conversation went something like this:
Rusty: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: I just got home from a movie. What's up?
Rusty: I'm playing a show tonight, you should come.
Me: Oh really? Where at?
Rusty: It's called _______, it's in Clear Lake.
Me: Yea I know where that is, but that's kind of a long drive...
Rusty: Where are you coming from, midtown?
Me: About 5 minutes from there
Rusty: That's only like 30 minutes
Me: True, but still a long drive
Rusty: But it'll be worth it
Me: Well, if you really wanna see me, you're just gonna have to call me one of these days ;)
Rusty: I will too

And that was that. I haven't heard from him since. I haven't heard from The Psycho either. Which is not only surprising, but a relief!

Oh! The Model is in town. And I'm doing a really good job of not thinking about him! In fact, I almost forgot to write about him! I saw him and Mitchell last Friday at my bar, of course. I gave them a round of shots and served their drinks. But they didn't even say goodbye to me, and I haven't seen or heard from them since then. And I'm very proud to say I'm not hurt, or upset, or really anything! Maybe I'm finally getting over The Model. I mean, I can't hope for too much, but that sure would be nice.

My Mom went to her doctor's appointment last week, and they found out that the lump in her breast is not a cyst. Cysts are often mistaken as cancer, so that would be the most obvious thing it could be. But since it's not that, it's either a fibroid, or cancer. And usually only old people get fibroids. ((sigh)) She has a mammogram next week, and possibly a biopsy. So I'm praying for her, and trying as hard as I can to be nice and supportive and all that. It's just that the relationship between my mother and I is complicated. I mean we get along for the most part, and of course I love my mom, but I can only stand her in small doses! It's like she is the only person who has the power to get under my skin in 5 minutes flat. And she thinks I've been stressed out lately, but really, I only get that way around her! We got into a fight last week about my dog. Obviously, she doesn't want me to get one. But I don't think I can stand the silence of this apartment for very much longer. And lucky me, because Oliver will be here next week!! NEXT WEEK!!! (Don't worry, I'll post lots of pix!)
Anyways, it's like Jenna said, parents always think they can tell you what to do, and that you have to listen, no matter how old you are. But I'm living alone now, and supporting myself, and I don't have to answer to anyone! What is so hard to understand about that?! This really is the last thing I should be thinking about right now. ((huff))
Moving on...
Alyssa and I sort of got into it the other day. On Monday, she came over to see my apartment, finally, and then I went with her to campus to take care of some school stuff. We hadn't hung out in a while, and I had talked to her about how I was feeling. And she agreed that she needed to be more present and make more of an effort in our friendship. Hence, hanging out on Monday. So anyways, we were having fun, talking and catching up, etc. Well, at some point, the conversation came to cheating boyfriends. And I was telling her about the different guys I've dated who have cheated on me. And of course, Daniel's name came up, in passing. Since, he did cheat on me! And Alyssa scoffs, "You and Daniel were only together for like a second! You weren't even like...boyfriend/girlfriend!"
"Yes we were!" I argued.
"Well, that's not what he said." She retorted.
I was about to say something back, but her phone rang, and she answered it. So instead, I was just sitting there thinking about how rude that was, and how pissed off I was.
I mean, who says that?! Even if it wasn't her brother we were talking about, you just don't say something like that to your friend! It's insensitive!
I decided to let it go, for the time being, but I found myself thinking about it again later, and I decided to text her.
"Do you really believe what Daniel said? I mean do you really believe we weren't together?"
She didn't respond, and I kind of forgot about it. That same night, I decided to drive to the North Side to stay with my Aunt and cousins for a couple days. I had 2 nights off, and I just wanted to get away. And I love hanging out with my cousins. They're so carefree and fun-loving. I went to work with my Aunt on Tuesday morning, and got a text back from Alyssa then.
"Peyton, don't be that girl."
"What girl? What are you talking about?"
"Don't sulk over Daniel. Don't be that girl who's all sad about it because it didn't work out." She said.
"I'm not sulking. Really. This isn't even about Daniel. I just feel like you're blowing the whole thing off like it's nothing. And it definitely was something. I mean I was with him 24/7, I practically lived at his apt! And he really, really hurt me. So it may seem like nothing to you, but it was definitely something to me."
"Well you just have to understand that I don't wanna hear about my brother and his relationships! I'm tired of the girls he dates affecting the relationship I have with him."
"I know that. And I don't think I've tried to talk to you about him. Not when we were dating, not when we broke up, or even now, really."
"It just kind of sucks that I feel like I can't say anything to you."
"Well, it's not just you Peyton. Or any of the more recent girls. This has been going on since he started dating! All his girlfriends feel the need to tell me about their problems! And I just don't want anything to do with it."
"Well I don't wanna talk to you, or anyone about Daniel. It's over. And I have nothing to say about it."
My Aunt noticed me texting, and told me to get to work, so before Alyssa could respond, I said, "I'm at work now. I can't text anymore."
She never wrote back.
I'm just really...hurt and kind of annoyed that she makes all of this stuff out to be about me and Daniel, when it's not! It's about me and her!
Alyssa and I haven't spoken since then. I mean, I stayed at my Aunt's for 2 days, and went straight to work when I came back. So I haven't had a lot of time to see or talk to anyone, but...this is not resolved, by any means. And I'm tired of having these disagreements with her. I just want it to be done with! I just want her to see things from my perspective, and know when she's hurting my feelings. There's no way she could comprehend the depth of hurt I was feeling when Daniel and I broke up. Because I didn't tell her. I didn't talk to her about it at all, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. and I do understand! He's her brother. She loves him. But that doesn't give her the right to assume that it meant nothing.
I wish she could just look at this from a nonbiased p.o.v. and realize that no matter who it is that breaks my heart, I just want my friends to be there to catch me when I fall. Not judge me. Not say "I told you so". Not belittle me, or make light of the situation. Just empathize.
Is that too much to ask?

I have a date on Monday with a guy (JD) I met on that dating website. We still haven't met in person, and it's been a month since I canceled my membership, but I've been so busy with moving and everything, that we're only just now getting to meet. He's tall, and really cute, and he has a motorcycle (hot!!), but again, not getting my hopes up. He friended me on myspace and the impression I got of him there, is that he's a really big flirt. And I'm not sure how well that's gonna go over. But who knows! At least he's actually taking me out on a real date! Maybe he'll be the man of my dreams and we'll fall madly in love while staring into each other's eyes over plates of pasta and glasses of wine and then we'll ride off into the sunset, on his motorcycle, and live happily ever after.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The Return Of The Ex...

Well I just got back from Austin yesterday. The trip was short and sweet, but much needed. It was like a mini high school reunion. Me, Rikki, Izzie, Shane and Megan had 2 wonderful girls' nights.
This entire week has been kinda up and down though. On Thursday afternoon, my mom called me while I was still in Austin. She told me might have breast cancer. ((sigh)) I totally freaked out. I mean I know breast cancer is generally curable and not that serious, but I just never thought it would happen to my mom. Ya know? So I was really upset and crying in the middle of a department store ((ugh...)) and thought I might go home early. But my girls cheered me up, and begged me to stay, so I did. And I'm glad I did.
We went out to 6th St on Thursday night, and had a blast. Izzie and Megan's husbands stayed at the apartment and played Wii, so it was just us girls. I even met a guy! He approached me, talked to me, acted interested, and asked for my number. But I'm learning not to count my chickens before they hatch, so I'm not gonna say anything else about him right now. Except that he did text me last night asking me if I had fun. I told him yes, and that I wished I could have stayed in Austin longer.

So, in other news, my ex is in town. The Psycho.
He called me Tuesday.
He's deploying at the beginning of September, so he got some leave time.
Anyways, I was talking to him, politely, asking him how he was doing, etc... And he said he wanted to hang out. Well I had just gotten off work, and it was 12:30 am, so I told him I probably wasn't gonna go anywhere, since I was leaving for Austin the next day.
"Well I'll just stop by and see you later then." He said.
"Later? What do you mean by later??" I asked.
"I dunno, like 3:30 or something."
"What makes you think I'm gonna let you into my apartment at 3:30 in the morning!?" I asked, incredulous.
"Because it's me! And you better be wearing some sexy lingerie too. I know you got some."
I could hear 2 other guys talking in the background. It sounded like he was in the car.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now!?" I half-shrieked.
"What happened?" He asked, assuming that wasn't meant for him.
"I'm talking to you!" I yelled.
At this point, the conversation went very downhill, and he went on off one of his usual tangents of cusswords and insults. He told me I was an arrogant bitch, and I should go fuck myself, and all this other shit...
I was just sitting there, almost amused really, shaking my head in disbelief.
And I said in a very calm voice, just loud enough for him to hear over his yelling, "You are exactly the same petulant, selfish, immature, dick that you were when we were dating. And you know what? We're not together anymore, so I don't have to put up with your shit. So now, I'm gonna hang up on you, and you're just gonna have to deal with it."
I sat there for a minute, still trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Had I just had a good old fashioned argument with my ex??
It was like a really twisted sense of de ja vu. Because in the past, I would have gotten really upset, and hurt, and done whatever I could to make him not be mad at me. But this time, I just didn't give a flying fuck! It was awesome. And the best part about it was, I know how he operates. And I know I ruined his entire night. Haha. He probably got all pissed off and stewed in his anger for the rest of the night. Because that is so like him!
So I'm definitely not going to be seeing The Psycho. At least I hope not...


Speaking of exes, Melissa saw Daniel on Thursday leaving the movie theater. He was with Delilah, and some "fugly" girl and another kid. Melissa may have just told me she was ugly to make me feel better, but judging by the other Peyton he dated, I wouldn't be surprised. What I am surprised about, however, is that I haven't run into him yet! But that's definitely a good thing. I'm still not sure I'm ready for that. I still miss him, but I'm doing a lot better. And like they say in He's Just Not That Into You, "It's nice to have companionship and wake up with somebody that you really like, but that's what pets are for. Pets are God's way of saying "Don't lower the bar because you're lonely.'"
And I am so on that!

Anyway, last night after work, Bethany and I went to IHOP, just the 2 of us, and we sat there for a while, talking. Then my phone beeps. I have a text message. At 4 in the morning!
I looked in my inbox, and saw that it was from a number I didn't recognize.
Well, well, well...
"Hey, you still stayin' up late? -Rusty"
I didn't respond right away, cuz Bethany and I were in the middle of a conversation, but I wrote him back 15 minutes later on my way home.
"I sure am. And apparently you are as well..."
Sixteen minutes later, he responds. How typical. Lol.
"Yea I had a gig tonight. What are you doin'?"
I waited another 16 minutes. Haha.
"Just got home from work and IHOP a little bit ago. Now I'm reading a book in bed. You?"
He responded right away to this one.
"I just got home too. Just telling my roommate about the night."
"So where'd you play at?"
"It's called The Depot. Then we went to a really southern after party."
"Lol nice. Were there people in overalls?"
"Not quite, but it wouldn't have surprised me."
"Ha. Well sounds like had an interesting night. I'm going to sleep now finally. Busy day tomorrow, goodnight."
I wanted to be the one to end the conversation, because I didn't wanna see to eager. Plus I was getting really tired.
And he really needs to just call me. No more texting.

So I finally picked out my dog! He's a goldendoodle, SO adorable! When I get him, I'll post pictures! I can't wait. And don't worry, I know how much responsibility a dog is. I did have a horse, remember?? Puppies are like children. I mean, would you leave your infant home alone? No.
So I definitely have some sitters lined up for when necessary; and as long as he's little, I plan on taking him everywhere! And there's this really awesome dog park right down the street.
Oh! And I'm going to call him Oliver. :)
After Oliver Wood in Harry Potter. Hehe.
He arrives from Indiana in the beginning of September! :) :) :)

Friday, August 1, 2008

Incoherent Rambling...

Omg, I'm taking defensive driving right now and I'm sooooooooo bored!!!
I've been shopping online for puppies the whole time. Lol. And the exciting thing is, I found one that I want!!! Only problem is, he's in Idaho or something, and he'll have to be flown to me, which will end up costing an extra 300 bucks. But I've already fallen in love with him and I can't wait!!
Rusty finally asked for my number, and I gave it to him. Now I just have to wait and see if he calls. If he doesn't, I guess he's not that interested. Meh.
I've been reading "He's Just Not That Into You" and it's definitely an eye-opener. I've been meaning to read it for a while now, and Melissa just loaned it to me. Anyone out there who hasn't read it, GO BUY IT!!

Finally, the drama with John and I is starting to die out in the work gossip circle. I guess it takes a week and half for that stuff to go away. I still haven't even seen John since that night at IHOP.
Man...IHOP sounds so good right now. I'm starving.
Ok, I'm heating up some pita bread right now. Pita bread with hummus is delicious.

Anyways, I can't believe I have to spend my whole day sitting here listening to the background noise of a defensive driving video. Ugh.

So, I think I'm going to email Alyssa and confront her about her crappyfriend disorder. We had plans to hang out Sunday night and she just totally flaked out on me! I tried calling, texting...no response whatsoever. The least she could have done is just let me know she wasn't gonna make it so I could have made other plans! I saw her at work last night, and of course she was all smiles like nothing was wrong. Obviously she doesn't know`that her convenience-only friendship is bothering me. So I need to tell her. I just don't wanna sound bitchy, or like I'm attacking her. I just want her to know. I need friends I can depend on. I mean, if you can't depend on your friends, then what do you have?? Nothing.
I'm just tired of making excuses for people, just because they have boyfriends, or they're busy a lot, or whatever. If you're friends with someone, and you care about them, then you're not going to be a shitty friend. The End.

Food's ready! I'm gonna eat now. I'll try to make my next post more interesting.