Feeling Too Sentimental?

So I'm getting my haircut tomorrow, and I was talking to Sophie about it, and she sent me a link to one of my old photos on facebook of Todd and me at the Superbowl afterparty. I had just gotten a haircut, it just brushed my shoulders. I didn't like it, I remember. I was in a total state of panic because I had no idea how to style it! Well anyways, underneath that picture was a comment, from Melissa. Remember her? Since I blocked her, ages ago when I cut ties with her, there's no picture, and no link to her profile, but the comment is still there. It said, "You look so beautiful. I love your hair!"
And right then in that moment I just...thought about her. You know, wondered what she's up to, how she's doing, etc. Last I heard she was moving somewhere 4 hours away from Chicago. But I never looked into it or anything, and never asked why. It was just something a mutual friend of ours wrote on my page in passing.
So I signed out of my facebook account and logged into Amanda's account. You guys probably won't remember her, she was someone I met through Melissa a long time ago. Really sweet girl, but we didn't stay in touch. Anyway, ages ago she shared her login info with Melissa and I so we could stalk our exes or some shit like that...
So I logged onto Amanda's profile and looked Melissa up. And as it turned out, she's now living in Madison, Wisconsin, and engaged! And believe it or not, I actually felt happy for her. After everything that happened...I still felt kinda proud of her in a small way. That she finally got out of her parents house and moved all the way across the country. Plus I can relate to that. Moving really far away from home...
So I thought to myself, You know what? Maybe I'll just drop her a line.
And I started to type out an email. This is what it says:


Hey Melissa,

I know I'm probably the last person you expected to hear from, but I heard you moved to the midwest, and that you're engaged. I know we aren't friends anymore, but I just wanted to tell you that I don't harbor any ill will towards you and I'm happy to hear you're doing well. I wish you all the best.

That was as far as I got. Then I started to wonder if it was even a good idea to send her a message, so I asked Sophie about it. She had some very interesting insight on the matter...

Me: do you think it would be a bad idea for me to reach out to Melissa after all this time?

Sophie: yes.

i have experienced times of weakness/loneliness/curiosity when i have considered reaching out to people i cut ties with, but ultimately, i always realize that i cut those ties for a reason

Me: lol, well i just found out that she moved a few hours away from here, and she's engaged

and i actually feel kind of glad for her

i don't want to be her friend again or anything

Sophie: that's good to feel glad for her i guess

but i think you have to ask yourself if you think she could actually contribute anything positive to your life?

or what reaching out to her would accomplish

Me: well...i just thought it might be nice to just say hey, glad to hear you're doing well

Sophie: i suppose you could do that...but i think it would invite further contact

which would probably lead to drama

and the other negative contributions she wreaked upon your life*  

*I actually missed this little gem during our conversation and just read it for the first time upon pasting it here, and now I am laughing.

 

Me: i don't know that SHE could actually contribute anything positive to my life, but i kind of feel like just mending that broken bridge, even only a little bit, might contribute something positive to my life

my 10 year reunion is this year ya know

if i go, i'm sure i'll see her

Sophie: i would, if you can, mail her something that says that

and don't include a return address

Me: well i don't know her address or anything..

i mean i was just thinking an email

Sophie: obviously, it is up to you

Me: but you think it's a bad idea?

or that i'd be asking for trouble?

Sophie: i mean, if how things were left is a source of regret for you

then maybe you should do it

Me: no...its NOT a source of regret

i mean she caused so much fucking drama in my life

Sophie: but i don't think i would let it go farther than one email

Me: and when i stopped talking to her everything got a lot simpler

Sophie: right, so you don't owe her anything

Me: it's not that i feel i OWE her something

i just feel like patting her on the back and saying, "good for you"

lol

Sophie: i think if you reach out to her, it might send HER the message that you DO regret it and then she will think that you did things wrong and are now sorry for it and she is free from blame

Me: oh

i didn't think of that

Sophie: which, then, will teach her nothing

Me: yea...i guess that's true

it's not like i could send her something that says, "hey i'm glad we're not friends anymore, but i'm happy for you too"

lol

Sophie: i mean, if you see her at the reunion, you could approach her and tell her you're happy for her and leave it at that

So that's the end of that. Do you think it's a bad or good idea reach out to Melissa??

A Much Needed Night Out

I dunno if I mentioned this before, but Taryn has a new boyfriend, who I have playfully nicknamed Dahmer (inside joke, lol). Anyways, he's super cool, and fun, and nice, yada yada yada... He's definitely good for Taryn, and the fact that he's gotten her to settle down really says something to his character. But anyway, Thursday night we all went out. Since I haven't been working during the week, I've had a lot of spare time, but not a lot of spare cash. But Dahmer convinced me to go up to my bar Thursday and meet him and some of the gang to watch the Texans game. Taryn was working, but scheduled to get off around 11, at which time, we would head out for a night on the town. So I steeled myself, and my wallet, and agreed. Then he insisted on coming to pick me up, so we could share a cab. So I pulled out my silk, skin tight, ruched purple skirt, and my favorite black suede wedges, put on a some mascara and a smile and I was ready!

Dahmer arrived right on time, told me I looked smokin' and opened the car door for me. I couldn't help but blush. It reminded me how long it's been since a guy has picked me up, opened the car door for me, and told me I looked pretty. And even though he wasn't my date, it still felt nice.

When we got to my bar, Bethany was there with her boyfriend, and Cameryn, and the rest of our group was already there hanging out at the bar. So I settled in at the corner of the bar with the group. It was about 9:30, so Taryn was still working, and the bar was crowded with rowdy Texans fans. I guess now would be a good time to introduce a couple new characters. Since Taryn and I have been hanging out a lot more over the last couple of friends, I've kind of melded into her group of friends, which are all pretty cool. First there's Carrie. She's one of Taryn's best friends from back in the day. She was living in Spain up until recently. She's super fun and crazy, and hilarious. The 3 of us always have a blast when we hang out. There's also Rory. He's a big, lovable bear of a guy. Super sweet, and chill.

And then there's George. Ohhh George. He's sarcastic and funny, but he has this...mean streak. Well maybe that's not the best word for it. He just gets into these pouty, brooding moods, and no matter what's going on, nothing can pull him out of it. And he and I tend to butt heads a lot. We like each other, but since we're both so sarcastic, he gets touchy sometimes with me, but I'm used to it by now.

And Dahmer, of course, but I already told you about him. So anyways, all of us were there last night, hanging out, having a good time. Dahmer bought a round of shots, then George did. And Cameryn had a celebratory bottle of champagne since finals week just ended, so I had a glass of champagne. So far, no money spent, yay! And I'm starting to feel a bit of a buzz, having a grand time, when I see Mitchell walk in.

"Hey!" I said to him. He walked over and gave me a hug. As we were hugging, over his shoulder I saw a short, dark haired head do a double take and make a beeline for the opposite direction: Melissa.

I couldn't have been tickled more. Nothing is so satisfying and amusing as her avoiding me the way she does because she feels GUILTY. Lol.

Apparently her new boyfriend is a friend of Mitchell's, so she was with their group. And Mitchell was hanging out with us, not in a hurry to escape to the opposite side of the bar, like Melissa was. It was just so...perfect. Her seeing me there, with my friends, laughing it up, having a fabulous time, and acting completely oblivious to her existence.

She wouldn't even turn her head in my direction if she thought I might see her. Even though I did, a couple of times. She just looked so pathetic, sitting at this little table by herself, off to the side, because she was too afraid to come over and join the group. Hahahahaha. Seriously, I think that made my night.

Of course, we didn't stay there, we went to a couple other bars afterward, and had an awesome night. And the best part? I only spent $4 on a cab ride home. :)

Plus, I just found out today that I'm getting a $10,800 scholarship for school!! Totally wasn't expecting that! Although after looking at the tuition cost, it doesn't seem like that's making much of a dent. But I can't complain about free money! Now I just have to find a place to live, and get some loans. ((Sigh)) So much to do, so little time.

Next Time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Well, not really posted. I have a lot to write about actually, I just...haven't really been in the mood to blog. But now I have lots to write about so here goes...

Things with Todd and I have not improved. At all. In fact, I would say they're much worse. Apparently Laura told him about our conversation a few months ago, and not only did she make me out to be the devil's advocate, but she completely forgot to mention all the talking she did as well. ((Sigh)) It wasn't even like we were sitting there talking shit about Todd, we were just...commiserating. But it's my fault for thinking I could seek solace in my best friend's ex girlfriend. So now he thinks that I said he's turned into this huge, stuck-up, douchebag, famewhore. Ugh. And I even told him that I'm really truly sorry for saying anything at all, even though it wasn't that. And he just said, "I'm not mad, I'm just shocked. Sorry doesn't cut it."
So...WTF? What else can I do??
So I just said, "Well there's nothing else I can do or say, Todd. Either you accept my apology or you don't. Is this something we're gonna be able to get past? Because I just wish things could go back to the way they were."
To which he replied, "Yes, but I don't wanna think about this right now. I just need some time."
That was like 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

But, even though my relationship with Todd is heading in a southerly direction, one of my other friendships has improved. I met up with Law School finally, and we hashed everything out. I told him that I knew about the text messages between he and Melissa, and the shit talking, and the lying, and hiding things from me. He sincerely apologized and said the only reason he didn't tell me, was because he believed he was doing the right thing. He said since Melissa and I had been friends for longer than Law School and I, he thought it was only fair to defer to me and Melissa's friendship, and she didn't want to tell me. Although I don't think I would have done the same thing in that situation, I just decided I'm not going to dwell on it. I mean, he obviously felt bad, and put in the effort to show me he felt bad, so I should just forgive and forget, right? He and Melissa hardly even talk anymore, he said. But that doesn't matter either. He and I have texted back and forth a few times through out the week, and he's called me a couple times. So things between he and I are back to normal, I would say.

In other news, lots of stuff coming up! This coming Monday is my bar's annual boat party/staff outing! I'm so excited! and then on Thursday, I leave for Orlando to go to Harry Potter Wizarding World with Dad and Sophie!!! I'm even more excited for that! Oh, and did I tell you I bought my plane ticket to Chicago for Christmas?? :D
I only have one more month of working at my day job. I can't wait till September, ahhh! I'll have my life back again! When I'm in Chicago, Sophie and I are going to visit 2 campuses of schools that I'm interested in. And once I have my days free I'm going to start spending a lot more time thinking about schools, and working on my photography portfolio. Only problem is, my lease is about to be up, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that... But that's another can of worms I'm just not ready to acknowledge yet.

Oh, and I supposed I should update you guys on Kevin. I have no updates. ((Sigh)) I stopped texting him, and he stopped texting me. Of course it was always me initiating it, so that was a red flag right there. I did run into him last night and it was just...meh. No butterflies or anxiety about seeing him, just "hey". So it's definitely over between us, if there ever was anything to end. Oh well. Better luck next time?

Things That Happened...

Ok. It's time to tell the story. The story of me, Melissa and Law School.

I'm not sure how much you guys remember, so I'll try to explain from the beginning. If you do remember, feel free to skim through this.
Well...Melissa knew I liked Law School, but she started dating him anyway. They both deliberately hid it from me, she lied to me about it, and they talked all kinds of shit about me behind my back. And the way that I know this, is because Bethany and Summer found Law School's phone in a cab one night, randomly, and saw all the text messages between him and Melissa. And they were riddled with shit talking. About me.

I have always been a person who responds to pain with anger. I dunno why, it's just easier for me to get mad, than to get sad. So I lashed out at Melissa in any and every way I could, as soon as I heard all the hurtful things she had said about me. I was also a bit drunk when I did these things, and at that point, I knew there was no possibility of Melissa and I ever salvaging our "friendship". So I just let loose on her.

First, I sent her an email that said,

Melissa,

Go fuck yourself.

Love Your "BEST FRIEND",

Peyton

Then, I sent a long, (and in retrospect rather embarrassing) email to her ex boyfriend, Tim. Knowing her history with Tim, it was safe to assume they would get back together at some point, so in my hurt and angry state of mind, I just wanted her to hurt the way that I did. And I knew that telling Tim was the way to do that. The message, while truthful, was a bit gratuitous and rambling, in my intoxicated state of mind. I almost regretted it the next day, thinking, "How am I possibly going to save face the next time I run into him??" But then I just shrugged it off, and told myself I didn't care. I wasn't going to apologize to him, or to anyone else for what I had done. There was no way to go back and change it now anyways.
He never wrote back, and I actually have run into him several times since, it wasn't awkward at all, in fact, he actually seemed happy to see me! And neither of us ever mentioned that long drunken email I sent at 3am. Later on, I learned through the usual channels, that Melissa and Tim were back together, and I wondered if he ever asked her about what happened with she and I, and Law School.

But as time has gone on, I have thought less and less about Melissa. I don't even miss her actually. She was fake. Being with her was actually physically taxing. Because I never felt truly comfortable around her the way I do with my real friends, like Izzie. And it's made me realize that there are very few people I do feel truly comfortable with, who really know me.
Needless to say, I haven't put more than a second's thought to Melissa in over a month.

Until today.

I had just gotten back to the office, from lunch with my coworkers when I saw that I had 9 new text messages on my phone!
That's odd, I thought.
Two were from Taryn, and the other 7, were from Melissa.
WTF.
My heart started pounding in my chest, the way it does when I know I'm about to get into a confrontation with someone. I am very confrontational. In fact, you could almost say I live for confrontation. It doesn't always have to be hostile confrontation, it's just...I like to speak my mind. I don't understand all these passive aggressive, cold shoulder type people.
Anyways, pasted below, are her very misinformed opinions...

U know after we stopped talking & being friends I left everything alone. Didn't ever tell anyone anything u had ever said about them including ur bf's like bethany, jenna, etc. Or told Laura how the entire time u would talk to her u would talk shit about her bc u wanted Todd. I was there for u everytime u had a problem. I even gave u money when u had none. Why would u tell Tim things about me? Things u were unsure of. I feel sorry for the kind of hateful person you are. & I wasn't sleeping with [Law School] when u ran into Tim. If u really want to know I slept w/ [Law School] once & I broke it off w/ him soon after bc I knew he wasn't right for me. U sleep with EVERYONE and I never judged u or told anyone & still won't. Please stay out of my life.

Now I just want to vent.
First of all, I have only slept with 3 people since she and I have been friends! And one of those, was Brandon! So I dunno where she gets off telling me I sleep with "EVERYONE". And she apparently thinks I said something to Tim the last time I ran into him, but in fact, I have never so much as mentioned her name to him in person! After I sent him that email, on that fateful drunk night, I let it go. That was it. I would also like to know what the hell she's talking about "giving me money" like I'm some sort of charity case?? Like SHE actually has money of her own to give! She gets it all from her parents! She's almost 27 years old and she still lives with her parents, being completely supported by them until TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO. I can think of a few times when she wanted me to go out with her, but I declined because I was short on cash, and she offered to buy my drinks, if I would go out. But that's it. And I will say that I always thought her generosity was one of her best qualities, but if she's been harboring all these horrible thoughts about me all this time, then who wants her Indian Giver generosity anyway!?
And yes, I said some things about Bethany, because we were going through some shit. But I told her all that stuff to her face, and we worked it out. Same thing with Jenna! I don't think I ever really said anything bad about her except that she complains too much. And I tell her that all the time! Yes, I did talk shit about Laura. I'm not perfect. I do shitty things. I'm HUMAN. And I was JEALOUS of her. And I didn't really understand her then, (I DO still think she's a bit batty) but she and I are actually friends now. And I like her! So doesn't that count for something??
And finally, "Please stay out of my life." PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY LIFE?! Pardon my hysterics, but, HAHAHAHA!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! THIS BITCH IS FUCKED 3 TIMES TOWARDS THE WEEKEND! I have made ABSOLUTELY NO attempts to talk to her, call her, text her FB her or ANYTHING. SHE is the one reaching out to me now, just so she can take one last jab at me, because apparently what I'd attempted, on that night that our friendship ended, has finally taken hold.

I finally hurt her back.

Verdict: GUILTY.

Apparently Law School is feeling guilty. And frankly, I'm surprised.
On Saturday night, Taryn said he was at her bar, and he asked her if they could get lunch this week, because he needed to talk to her and "get her opinion about something". And she said she was very short with him and said, "Well what is it? Just tell me now."
And he said it was about me.

And then she got busy or something (she was bartending) and when she finally got back to him, she asked him, "So where's Melissa?"
And then he supposedly said, "Dude, I don't know. I don't even TALK to her. I don't. At all. I haven't talked to her in like 3 weeks."

So, by my calculations, that puts the last time he talked to her around that night when all that shit went down.

So Taryn said he tried to call her yesterday, but she didn't call him back, and she says it's totally my call if I want her to call him back or not. At this point, I'm undecided. On the one hand, I wanna say "NO! Fuck him! I don't care if he's dating Melissa or not. That's not the point. The point is, he went behind my back, hid things from me deliberately, and talked shit about me. So I don't want or need his so-called friendship."
But the other part of me is reallllly curious why he's actually putting so much effort into resolving things...

Two Weeks.

"Hi Peyton, it's [Law School]. It's 10:30 on Tuesday...the uhhhh...19th. Um...I owed you a response, or a return phone call, and I'm not a writer, I'd rather talk. Uh...I know it's been a couple-well you probably, or you may, I dunno, probably, you may not wanna talk to me. Uuumm I can understand certain reasons why...umm but I think there's some good reasons to. Uhhh I was out of town in Ohio this last weekend, I was in Colorado for a little while, uhh and I'm about to go to China for a couple weeks so I've kinda had some busy... busy weeks but I kinda wanted to touch base with you ummm just cuz I didn't write you back. And I wanted to. Anyways, I would appreciate it if you gave me a phone call, when you have an opportunity. Uummm that's a bout it. Anyways, hope you're doin' well. Talk to you soon. Take care. Bye.
Oh! 555-5555, ...In case you deleted my number. Take care, bye."


((Sigh))

It's been 2 weeks. Two fucking weeks since I sent him an email telling him he was a coward and an asshole and if he wanted to date my friend, he should have just told me instead of going behind my back and trying to hide it from me. After which I deleted him from my Facebook.

Two whole weeks and he thinks I'm going to answer his phone calls?!?!? That I want to talk to him??? WTF. What could I POSSIBLY have to say to him?!?! I don't want anything to do with him. OR Melissa. EVER.

The only ironic thing about this situation is...he's the one trying to call me. Not Melissa.

Goodbye

I can't stop crying. I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. Summer and Bethany found a cell phone in a cab tonight. And it just happens to be Law School's. What are the fucking chances???
They read me most of the text messages between him and Melissa, which go back like 3 weeks. She told him everything I said. About how I had feelings for him, I was just trying to suppress them.. That whole conversation I posted!!! She fucking sent it to him!!! Just like Jayme did. And they even joked about who's friend I was. Now they both talk like I'm some psycho, and she is supposedly my "Best friend??"" Who does that??

I'm sorry if you guys don't understand where I'm coming from.

I can't write in this blog anymore. i just can't deal with everything I'm being forced to deal with, on top of all the criticism.
I can't trust anyone.
Not even my "best friend".

So this is it.
I'm done.

Back Off

I don't even know where to start. I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit. ((sigh))

Yesterday, I got an email from Melissa. This is what it said...

"Hey, I'm writing bc I needed to let you know something that I think you should know. Not this past wkend, but the wkend before that I ran into Law School and we started talking (he was out with Mitchell) and then we talked on fb. I know you don't have feelings for him, but I just didn't want you to get upset and think I was trying to talk to him behind your back. I've been so busy with the new job and getting up so early and going to bed so early that it slipped my mind especially since he wasn't even in town this past wkend. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

I texted her back,

P: Hey I got your email. So you and Law School are talking?

M: Well not talking, but we've talked. How do you feel about him. I know that you had a thing for him and that yall kissed so I wanted to see how you felt about us.

P: About you and Law School???

M: Yes

M: I'm not going to do something to hurt you especially on purpose. I mean you've talked gone out with other guys, but u never told me how u guys stood.

P: I feel like if you dated him that would be really fucked up, and I can't deal with another one of those situations, and I'm not going to.

M: Ok

P: We are friends, obviously, but I still have some feelings for him, I'm just trying to suppress them I guess. I talked to him yesterday, we just haven't seen each other in a while cuz he's been out of town. And I feel really hurt, bc I kind of knew this would happen cuz it ALWAYS DOES.

P: I don't feel about him the way I do about Todd, but the situations are too similar. It's just...resurfacing all this shit I've been trying to deal with.

M: I understand and that's why I'm asking you I'm not arguing with you.

P: I know, I'm just telling you how I feel. And just like with Jayme, I'm not going to tell you to not date him. Do whatever you want.

M: And you really think I would date him knowing that you're this upset by it. I thought u liked Law School back then, but that nothing came out of it. You never mentioned yall dating or whatnot and u told me yall went to the Christmas thing as friends. I didn't think u liked him enough to compare this to ur situation with Todd who you've always cared for. I thought that when yall met since u were with Brandon, it was just an attraction. It's done now so it doesn't matter.


I didn't write back after that. I was too upset. How could she do this to me, NOW, of all times!?!?? After all the bullshit I just went through with Todd!? And she knew I liked Law School, and she knew I wouldn't like them dating, otherwise she never would have written me an email about it. Ugh....

I thought about it all day yesterday. I mean, what are the fucking chances? I swear, the next guy I date is never going to meet any of my girlfriends until I have a fucking ring on my finger.

So I wrote Melissa an email today. Here it is...

"A couple things I spent the last 24 hours thinking about that I just need to tell you...

1) How could you say, "I know you don't have feelings for him"? If you KNEW I didn't have feelings for him, then why would you think I would care?? Either way, you had to know how I would feel about this situation, not just bc of what happened with Todd and jayme, but because when I came up to [my bar] that day you called me to tell me that Law School was there, I told you I was upset that he was flirting with you. And it really hurt me to see that. And you said you weren't interested, and you loved Tim, etc etc... But I thought I made it pretty clear to you how I felt about it that night. Things with me and Law School never went anywhere, but my feelings for him have always been confused, and complicated. When I met him, true, I was with Brandon, and there was an obvious attraction, I just chose to ignore it, bc I was with someone. But then when we broke up, Law School was one of the first people I thought of. And when we kissed, that night, and we talked the next day, I thought, or hoped, that it might lead somewhere. But then he appeared to either get really weirded out, or really busy. And I didn't want to force the issue, cuz he's my friend. So I pushed it out of my mind, for a while. We did make plans to hang out, a few times over the past few weeks, but he would end up calling me too late, cuz he works all the time, and then we just didn't see each other for like a month. And I'm not about to go chasing another guy, making myself look all pathetic and desperate. And I figured, he's my friend, so it's not like we'll never talk or see each other again. So I just decided to wait it out, and hope that things between us went back to normal, and then who knows?

2) How could you say we went to that Christmas party as just friends?? The whole reason I invited him was because of what had happened between us, and I wanted to see where it would go. And I even told you that he kissed me on the cheek after the party, and said, "he didn't wanna get me sick" but that I still thought that was something, since he had never kissed me on the cheek before we made out. At that point, I was totally into him, and I wanted something to develop. And HE had said to me, "What are you doing next week?" and then I invited him to the party. AS MY DATE. And everyone that was at the party knew that as well.

Either way, I feel like you had to know this would upset me, or you never would have brought it up to me this way. I seriously feel really hurt and upset. I mean, no this isn't exactly like the situation with Todd, but how could you say it's not comparable?? It's pretty much the same thing!
I am seriously in a place right now where I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I'm never going to bring a guy that I like around any of my girl friends again.

In MY rule book, you never kiss/date/talk to/WHATEVER any guy that one of your friends has previously kissed/dated/talked to. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER do that to one of my friends. If there is any gray area whatsoever, I just don't even go there. There's too much at risk. That's why I freaked out when I found out TB had slept with Alli. And at the time, Alli and I weren't even that close! I'm not accusing you of anything, or insinuating anything about you and Law School. I'm just trying to make it very clear how I feel about the situation.
And it's really coincidental that you told me about this the day after I talked to him. Bc I thought...I dunno. I guess it just doesn't matter.

And at the bottom of all of this is the fact that I'm feeling pretty shitty about myself right now. It's bad enough to get rejected over and over by guys you like just because THEY DON'T LIKE YOU. But then, to add insult to injury, they like your friend. They like your friend more than you, and they would rather be with your friend more than you. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were good friends with someone, and you had fun together, and hung out, and you liked him and hoped something would come out of it, but then you found out he was really interested in one of your friends?? Because if you can't, I can tell you it really sucks."


Ok, now before you guys get all Judgey McJudgerton on me, let me just say that, for me, Law School is one of those guys I will always be interested in, but will probably never act on, out of fear of rejection. You know, because he's my friend. Izzie thinks he's a total douche for making out with me, leading me on, and then deliberately trying to date one of my friends, which is a perspective I hadn't really considered. But...I dunno. Am I just being selfish??
I just don't understand how Melissa could have any doubts about how I would feel in this situation! I mean we were both there the night that she and Law School met, and I told her I was upset that he was flirting with her! She knew it bothered me, and assured me that she wasn't interested in him. And that wasn't really that long ago.

And as for my conversation with Law School on Sunday, I had texted him, to see if he was out. Because the previous Sunday, Taryn and I ran into him on Washington. And I thought maybe he and I could meet up. But he was actually at the airport. And then I mentioned, as an afterthought that I wished he would stop acting so weird and awkward around me, just cuz we kissed, because we shouldn't let that get in the way our friendship. And he said,

"Trust me, I haven't let that get in the way of anything. I'm not going to try and make excuses or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure that was the end of Dec, I was gone 2 weeks afterwards, then you were gone to some football games, and then I had a business trip, and then you went to the Superbowl, and I worked almost every day in March until I left for Colorado this week."

LS: I'm writing this as I'm in the car with my roommate.

Me: Dude...calm down! Lol. It just felt like you might be weirded out or something. And we're friends, so I have no problem telling you exactly what's on my mind. Sorry if that bothers you.

LS: It doesn't bother me at all...there's no hard or weird feelings at all. I know that I've been out of touch with you and and others lately.

Me: Ok well I just didn't want you to go to all that trouble to avoid me. ;)

LS: Haha...c'mon...well it's all good. I don't have any big plans coming up so we'll be able to go get a drink sometime soon.

Me: Ok well tell your roommate I said hi!

LS: Haha... Will do! Have fun at Brixx!

And that was that. So maybe he is just really busy. Who knows... But either way, I'm just so sick of this shit!!! Why does this always happen to me!?? Why can't I just find a guy who likes me?!? And why can't my "friends" just BACK OFF???!!

((Sigh))

I'm Being Stalked By My Neighbor

Boy, has it been an interesting weekend... But before I get into this weekend, let me tell you about Wednesday night. Cecilia had to cancel on me for our plans to go to the rodeo. Her deadbeat ex husband told her he couldn't watch their daughter, and she wasn't able to find a sitter. So I invited her friend, Alex, to come. Alex and I were both bridesmaids in Cecilia's wedding, and since we're both 2 of Cecilia's closest friends, we know and like each other. She's tons of fun, actually. So anyways, I still had 2 extra tickets, and I'd posted something on Facebook about them, hoping someone would want them. So the day of the show, Boston texts me, asking if I still had an extra ticket. And without thinking, I told him he could come with us. That is, without thinking about the fact that Dave was gonna be there, and we were planning on meeting up at the Carnival. And Boston was so gung-ho about it, that I couldn't bear to tell him no.

Oh well, I thought, how bad could it possibly be?

So Alex met me at my place after work, and then we drove my car to the bar and parked. Boston picked us up at the bar, and drove us to the lightrail. One we got to the carnival, I met up with Dave. I was expecting to see him fully decked out in cowboy uniform, but strangely, he was wearing the same Nike tennis shoes that he always wears, every time I see him. Alex immediately started referring to him as, Tennis Shoes. Lol. I could tell Boston felt a little weird, cuz it was obvious that me meeting up with Dave was...more than just a casual friendship type thing. But what can ya do? So I left Boston in Alex's very capable hands, while Dave and I went to go ride the Tilt-A-Whirl, which turned out to be tons of fun! In retrospect, it's a good thing that I went with Alex instead of Cecilia, because she's so outgoing and fun, and she'll talk to anyone. She acted as if she'd known the guys her whole life, even though she'd just met them that night. So it was great, and we had a blast.

When it was time for us to head inside and take our seats for the show, we all walked in together. Dave came up with us to our seats, even though he was sitting a level above us, with his sister. We walked around for a bit, and then parted ways. Dave mentioned that he might come back down for a song or 2 later. So we grabbed some snacks and sat down. Boston actually left for a while to go say hi to some friends, but he came back towards the end of the show. Dave never ended up coming back down.
When the show ended, Boston asked if we wanted to go to the Rodeo bar for a bit, but I had to say no, since I needed to get up early the next day. And there's no such thing as going for "just one drink" when it comes to the rodeo. Better safe than sorry!
Boston looked really disappointed, so Alex and I told him to go ahead. It was about 10:45; we could just walk or get a cab back to the bar from the lightrail. He hesitated, but in the end, he went to the bar, and we headed to the lightrail.
Well the line to actually get on the lightrail was ridiculous!! We stood there for like 45 minutes in a huge, hot, crowd of people, and we were both dying of thirst, and aching feet. So by the time we got off the lightrail, it was already midnight. We didn't see any cabs around, and it was foggy as hell outside. So we started walking. Alex kept saying she was afraid of getting mugged, because of the recent spike in crime in the area. That was when we realized we had walked 4 blocks in the wrong direction. Ugh... I usually have a good sense of direction, but the lightrail completely threw me off. So we turned around and started walking back.

"I can't believe Boston just left us to fend for ourselves at midnight in the middle of midtown!" Alex said.

"I know! I'm texting him right now, 'I hate you. We are no longer friends'." I laughed.

A car full of shifty looking individuals stopped and offered us a ride, which obviously, we declined. Then, a strange man on a bicycle kept riding past us, back and forth, back and forth... By this time, Alex and I were both a little more than nervous. Finally, when we were about a block away from the car, we saw a cab, which we grabbed anyway, since our feet were hurting so bad. When we got to my bar, we went inside to get a couple bottles of watter for our parched lips, and there was Boston!! Already there, sitting at the bar, drinking a beer! Both of us were irate.

"Well LOOK who's here!" Alex said, drawing my attention to him.

"What the hell!?" I yelled at him.

"I got a ride, I thought you guys would have been back already!" He said defensively, with 'GUILTY' written all over his face.

"I texted you!" I said, "Do you realize how far we had to walk!? It's midnight, and it's foggy, and we were being followed by creepers in cars and on bicycles! You could have at least called to make sure we made it back!"

"I'm sorry! Don't be mad!" He said.

"Oh, I'm mad!" I said, and Alex and I stormed out.

And instantly, my Dave vs. Boston situation was solved. Not that there ever really was a situation. But it gets better...

The next morning, Boston texted me again, "You can't be mad at me."

"Yes I can. And I am." I wrote.

Boston: Why??

Me: You KNOW why! You left us at the rodeo, cuz you said you wanted to go to Happy Trails, or whatever the hell that bar is, but really you just wanted to hook up with those slores, and Alex and I ended up walking like 10 blocks through midtown in the middle of the night, in the fog!

Boston: I guess that wasn't very gentlemanly of me, but A) They weren't slores, they were friends, and they offered me a ride, and B) you went to the rodeo to meet up with another guy and C) it's called The Hideout, and you can't go to the rodeo without going to The Hideout!

Me: A) I didn't go to the rodeo "to meet up with another guy", I didn't even know he was going to be there until earlier that day, and B) WTF does that have to do with anything!!???

Boston: A) I guess it doesn't have to do with anything...

Me: Bottom line, you shouldn't have left us, but whatever. Now that I got that off my chest, I'm over it.

Boston: Ok.

So clearly, Boston was jealous. ((Sigh)) And apparently it's no secret around the bar that he likes me, either.

That night, Melissa and I went to see Avatar 3D. She had never seen it, and I really wanted to watch it again. Btw, I can't remember if I wrote about how Melissa and I talked and worked out everything about our argument. Did I?? If not, I'll fill you guys in. But anyways, she was 30 minutes late to the movie cuz she got lost! Ugh... And THEN I left my stupid phone in the movie theater and someone stole it! So I've been all weekend without a phone. Which has realllly sucked, but I should be getting my replacement in the mail today.

So now, let me get to this weekend...

On Friday when I got home from job #1, I had a Facebook message from Dave. He wanted to get together that afternoon, cuz he was going to San Antonio for the weekend. But obviously, I couldn't hang out since I had yet to go to job #2. So when I walked out my door to head to the door, I noticed I had a note clipped to my door.

??

"Pam-

I have wanted to get to know you since the first day I met you. I know this may seem weird, writing you a note instead of talking to you in person, but I didn't know how else to do it. I live in apartment __ and I would really like to take you out to dinner Sweety. I think that your beautiful and I would love to get to know you. My number is ____, please call me anytime.

-Nick"


First of all...who the f*ck is Pam!? It took me a minute to figure out WHO it was that had written this note, and initially I thought, This guy must have the wrong apartment! But then I realized who it was...
This guy that used to live in my courtyard, but he moved to a different apartment in the complex. I've said hi to him a few times while walking Jasper, cuz he used to always stand outside his apt and smoke. But this guy is like....30-35, and he lives with his father in a 2 bedroom apartment! Not to mention he thinks my name is PAM, he has absolutely NO GAME, he clearly can't spell for shit, he's obviously a chain smoker, and he isn't even remotely attractive! Ugh... I shoved the note in my purse and left for work.
I showed it to some of my coworkers while we were counting money at the end of the night, and we all had a good laugh about it. Unfortunately, I left that note sitting on the table.

The next day, I woke up around 1pm, and went to let the dog out. I had already put his leash on, and I opened the door and was still inside the door, grabbing my keys, when I noticed Nick standing out there, in his old spot, in front of his old apt, smoking.

!!!

I yanked Jasper back inside and quickly shut the door. Jasper wasn't happy about that, but I crouched down on the floor and peaked through the blinds. It was apparent that Nick had seen me open and close the door, as he was staring up in my direction. Dammit! I sat there in front of the window for a while, waiting for him to leave, but he wouldn't budge. So finally I just went back to my room. Thirty minutes later, I finally let the dog out.
I had 2 more photoshoots on Saturday, which went well! I did the shoot near some railroad tracks over by Ben's house. He and Summer actually drove by while we were out there, and I chatted with them for a bit. They were getting ready for a ski trip. Lucky...

Anyway, Saturday night as I was leaving for work, I found another note on my door. I didn't even open this one, I angrily shoved it into my purse again, and hurried out to my car, hoping Nick wasn't watching me from a window somewhere. When I got in the car, I opened it.

"Pam-

I know this is not a great way to ask someone out, but I just feel this is the way to ask you, for some reason. Feel free to text me about any thing. I would love to get to know you better, Sweety. [555-555-5555 Nick] Anytime. If u want me to leave u alone, let me know, either way please. I've wanted to get to know you since the first time I saw you. You are so beautiful and you seem to have a great personaility. Text me.

?

-Nick

P.S. I'm not stopping until you talk to me"


UUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!

FUCKING CREEPER!!! WHAT THE HELL!???

And yes, he spelled personality wrong.
I'm definitely going to inform him how completely UNINTERESTED I am the next time I see him! I don't wanna call or text him, cuz I don't want him to have my number, and I haven't had a phone anyways. But omg...I have to look out the blinds before I leave my apartment now! ((Sigh))

I mean, I'm pretty sure he's harmless really. I don't want to get the apartment office involved or anything like that. I just want him to leave me alone! Jenna says I can go stay with her, now that she's all moved in. Lol. I also thought about convincing one of my guy friends to come over and act boyfriendly. But there's no way to guarantee Nick will see.

Anybody have any suggestions? Cuz I'm open to ALLLLL suggestions!

Not In The Cards For Me

1) If you wanna say something rude, go right afuckinghead. But don't be a PUSSY, and put your name to your comment!!! I fucking dare you.

2) The stories I post sometimes, are not merely exercises in creative writing, they're true! :) They're memories; things that have made a major impact on my life.

Moving on...
Todd called me Tuesday night and we talked. The good news is, he and are fine, and I feel really solid about our relationship. He's not going anywhere, and that will never change. He cares about me a lot, and he said we've known each other too long for him to feel weird or awkward around me, no matter what happens. And he said he was sorry for hurting my feelings.
The bad news is, he said he doesn't see me that way. He said he thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous, but he just sees me as a friend. And apparently we had a conversation about this right before the season started, but I was drunk and I don't remember. I have GOT to stop doing that! I feel so stupid. Ugh... So he said he thought I knew what his feelings were, and it was not his intention to hurt me. The other thing is, he and Jayme didn't go on a date Sunday night. They went out with a group of people. She just failed to mention that. She made it sound like it had just been the 2 of them, am I wrong?? I mean I pasted the text messages, exactly as she wrote them. And I told Todd that too.
And after we talked about our relationship and everything, he asked me about Jayme. And I basically said, "Look. When I heard you were interested in her, I talked to a couple friends, just to get some advice, and they all said the same thing: that I was obligated to tell you how crazy she is. That I had to warn you."
So I did. I told him that he's way too good for her. That last year, she would never have given him a second glance. Sure, she probably would have liked him, had they gotten to know each other, but she wouldn't have even bothered. She just likes him now because of what he has to offer. And I told him that she gets insanely jealous with all her boyfriends, and screams, yells, and hits them, and just...completely freaks out... And I didn't think he would want to deal with that. Bottom line is, he's too good for her. Wayyyyyy too good for her.

And it's true, Jayme and I aren't really friends, by definition. We are coworkers, who get along, and who have hung out together from time to time, and I have never bore her any ill will. And if the tables had been reversed, I never would have made the decision she made. I never would have even approached her guy friend, and asked him out, knowing what she knows about Todd and I, if she were in my position. But clearly, she doesn't hold that same regard for me, and that's just the way it is.

Also, she lied and exaggerated about the situation! She led me to believe that she and Todd went out on a date Sunday night, and that he had asked her out again. But really, it was a group of people who hung out Sunday, and really she was the one who asked him out! So I think maybe she just wanted me to think that he was really interested in her, so that I would feel guilted into giving them my blessing. ((Sigh)) Whatever. It's none of my concern anymore. I warned Todd about her, he knows I care about him as his best friend, and I'm very protective of him. And he's smart. He will come to see what everyone else already knows. It will never last.

I'm still pretty depressed that he says he could never see me in a romantic light. I mean, never?? How can you say never? Things can always change, right? ((Sigh)) But I'm not going to hold out hope, because that would be foolish. And I love him so much (as a friend) that even if it hurts like hell, I will always be his friend, and I will always stand by his side, and be there for him, no matter what. And I know, at least, that he does feel the same, in that respect.

But there was more to our conversation... When I told him that my friends had said I needed to warn him about Jayme, he asked me who had said that. Because Jayme had told him that some mutual friends of ours had been telling her not to worry about me, and to just go for it. And Todd said that even though he'd promise not to name any names, he thought that if the same people were talking to me and to Jayme, I deserved to know who they were, because obviously they aren't very loyal friends.

So I named the people I talked to: Izzie, Ben, Bethany, and Melissa. And apparently Melissa is the backstabber! I just couldn't believe it. She had always been a good friend to me. Why would she tell Jayme to not worry about me, and just go out with Todd??
Then I remembered the text message she had sent me earlier that day. This is what it said,

"Peyton, I know u r really upset & mad right now, but u and Jayme have never been good friends. Todd's a nice guy, do you really think she would let this opportunity pass her up? I'm just trying to be honest."

And while that's true, why would she say that to me?? All I needed from her was a friend to lean on, someone to listen. I didn't respond to her text, but when Todd told me that she had told Jayme not to worry, "because she's not going to be reasonable about this anyway", I was just crushed. I mean, she and Jayme aren't even friends!! They've gone to work out together a couple times, but they are friendly acquaintances, at best. Melissa is supposed to be my best friend! And I'm not saying she should take sides, I just think she should have stayed out of it! It wasn't her place to call Jayme and talk to her about my problems! She had nothing to do with it! And that's exactly what Todd said, "I can't understand why she wouldn't just mind her own business".

So Tuesday night, I went to a movie with Ali (When In Rome) and after the movie, I took a deep breath, and called Melissa. I just wanted to make sure and remain calm throughout the conversation. I didn't want a screaming match. So when she answered, I said my calmest voice,

"Are you somewhere where you can talk?"

"Yea, what's up?"

"Well...I'm really mad at you, and upset and hurt. I can't believe that you would reach out to Jayme, and tell her that she should just go ahead and date Todd, because I'm never going to be reasonable about it. I just can't fucking believe that you would stick your nose in where it doesn't belong, and undermine me like that. Why would you go out of your way to say that to her, when you're one of the few people who actually knows how I truly feel about Todd!?"

"First of all, how dare you cuss at me and talk to me like that! I did not reach out to Jayme or say those things! And you have no right to talk to me like that! If this is the way you're going to talk to me, then this is where our friendship ends!"

And she hung up on me.

I tried calling her back, but of course she didn't answer. And now, I was furious, and really hurt. She didn't even offer to explain herself, she just got mad, and her first reaction was to end our friendship! WTF!!?? Now I know how Tim must feel ALL THE TIME. Not to mention, she knows better than to take offense to me cussing. I know it's a bad habit, but anyone who knows me, knows I cuss like a sailor!
And so the text message battle ensued...

Me: I can't believe you're not even going to hear me out and you're just gonna cut me off like that. CLEARLY I'm upset and I wanna clear this up. How can you sit here and make this about you??
Me: I just had the heartbreak of my life, then I find out from TODD that you were talking to Jayme about me. I thought I knew where your loyalties were, and I didn't think they were with Jayme.
Me: And it hurts my feelings even more that you could be so quick to end a friendship.

Melissa: I cannot believe you have the nerve to talk to me like that after I've always been there for you when Bethany and Summer and whoever else hasn't. U can be mad & act ridiculous I'm not worried about it. I have my own problems including my relationship with Tim, taking care of my sick granny & mom plus school. If you had talked to me things would have been different. I'm not playing these dramatic games with you, just leave me alone.

Me: Talk to you like what? Like I'm upset?? I'm not playing games. I can't believe you would hang up on me! That's immature and ridiculous. It would be much easier to TALK but if you're not worried about it then fine. You just wanna kick me when I'm down, not explain ANYTHING to me, not listen to what I have to say, just >click<. That's real nice.
Me: You were the last person I expected to hurt me like this. I don't know why you would reach out to Jayme instead of talk to me, and I can't believe that you could be so flippant and cold, and without giving it a second thought, end our friendship. Soooo fucked up.

Melissa: Undermine you, cuss at me and feel the need to talk to me like I'm beneath you. No, that's not ok & I'm not going to listen when I know nothing I say will change ur mind. I know u better than u think. I've always been loyal. I've always looked out for you. I've always been a good friend. I cannot believe u would react like this bc I talked to Jayme on the phone. Peyton, u are exaggerating & don't use words that I can't understand to make me feel stupid...

I didn't respond anymore after that. By this time, I was in my bed, sobbing, and just ready to go to sleep. But let me tell you what I think.
First, did I use any big words in that conversation that any of you couldn't understand??? Because I wasn't trying to patronize her.
Second, if she has so many of her own problems, and she's not "worried" about me, then why would she even expel the effort to call Jayme? It wasn't her concern!! And I think I have every right to be upset, because she obviously didn't want me to find out that she talked to Jayme. She obviously told Jayme not to tell me they talked, because Jayme made Todd promise he wouldn't tell me! And I'm sorry, but I will take Todd's word over anyone's, any day.

I was really upset and hurt and disappointed after that so-called conversation with Melissa. I mean how much rejection can any one person handle in a day?? But now I just feel...resolved. I mean I'm not going to kiss her ass or try to convince her to be my friend. I'm just sick and fucking tired of trying to make everyone happy. This conflict with Melissa never should have happened! Because none of this had anything to do with her!! And she's the one being dramatic, by telling me she's ending our friendship and then hanging up on me! What are we in high school again??
I know, I'm not without my problems, and drama seems to follow me wherever I go, but try to avoid being the cause of any of it. And try to stay away from people who are the cause. People like Jayme, and I hate to admit it, Melissa! She is like the most dramatic person I know!

So I've decided I'm just gonna lay low for a while. I have a couple of things already on the books for the next couple weeks but I'm pretty much not going to talk to anyone who isn't a relative, I'm not going to log into Facebook for like 2 weeks, and I'm just gonna stay home and be alone. I just don't feel like being around anyone. I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted, and beaten down. I just feel like...shit. Nothing ever seems to happen the way I want it to. I can't just be happy. It's just not in the cards for me.

Have To Know

Well I got several guesses about who Todd is on my last post. And I didn't make any of these comments public. Mainly because I don't want to give the people who aren't trying to guess any ideas, but I don't want the people who are guessing to think that by not posting their comments, I'm confirming their guess is correct. I'm not going to confirm, or deny anything.
But I am going to the Superbowl!! I'm so excited!!! I wish I could tell you guys more, and tell you who I'm rooting for, but I just can't risk it. All you need to know is, I'm super excited!! I've never been to Miami! I leave next Friday after work, and I'm coming back Tuesday. Todd called me last night, and was like, "Make sure you stay till at least Monday cuz there's gonna be a ridiculous party at the hotel after the game!"
And of course, I will be there! I asked him who else was going, and he said Brendan and Andrew will be there, along with his parents, and his brother, Pete. I love Pete! He's so much fun. And after years of buying him alcohol, he's finally 21 and can party with us! Todd didn't mention if Laura was going though, which I think is weird. Does that mean she's not going?? I'm just going to operate under the assumption that she is going for now, because...I mean why wouldn't she?? The only reason I can think of for her not going is that she's in nursing school, and they have clinicals and she can't miss class. And with the game being on a Sunday night, she would have to head back to Texas right after the game. So who knows?? We'll see I guess.
I really need to get some hot stuff to wear when I'm in Miami. What do people wear there? I don't wanna look ridiculously out of place. I mean, I know it's like a party town, and definitely a bit more glitzy than Houston, but they have the same weather as us, so most of the stuff I have should be fine. But I still wanna get at least one new dress. I'm gonna look today after work. I was supposed to hang out with Taryn, but then Bethany texted me at 1:30am, saying she took the night off so "we can do something!" and I've suddenly lost my urge to go out. Plus, I really need to save $. My Superbowl ticket costs 500 bucks. Not exactly loose change... So aside from a new dress, I don't wanna be frivolous with my money this week. Maybe I'll just make up some excuse about being too tired, or not feeling good or something. ((sigh)) I woke up late this morning, and I look like ass anyways, so it's not like I can meet Taryn for Happy Hour like we'd planned anyway. I would have to go home and shower, etc... And I just don't feel like it.

So for the past few days, I keep replaying this conversation in my head that Melissa and I had a couple weeks ago. We were eating breakfast in a cafe, the morning after Todd's playoff game, and we were talking about Todd, and she said, "Are you in love with him?"
And I just stared at her, and my throat constricted, and I...I didn't know what to say. It was weird, I mean my eyes even started to water, and I have NO IDEA why. But I had to collect my thoughts and myself before I could answer. And I avoided her eyes and gave her some nonchalant answer, like, "How can you know you're in love with someone you've never even kissed?"
But the way she looked at me it was like she already knew the answer to that question, she just wanted me to say it.
Sometimes Melissa is alarmingly perceptive. ((Sigh))

I don't know how to classify my feelings for Todd. They're just so...mixed up. I mean, I've known him practically my entire life. He's always been there. He's my best friend. I remember when he was in first grade, with huge glasses, buck teeth, and the highest singing voice in the children's church choir. And I remember in high school, when he was 5 feet tall, shorter than me! And scrawny, and dorky, and he was like this cute little kid that would follow me around. Not that I was anyone to be admired. I was just as big of a dork back then as he was.
But then he changed. We changed. He started to grow up, got his first girlfriend. And I was really happy for him. And I was engaged at the time, and the 4 of us would hang out together at his parents house, play pool, go swimming. Then I went away to school, became single again, he went away to school, started going out with Laura. I went through asshole after asshole, and every time I would go home for the holidays, and see Todd, and he was like a breath of fresh air. Same morals, same innocent, bright outlook. And I would talk to him about my latest guy, latest party, and ask him about his life. And he would tell me about his girlfriend, and talk about football. We could talk about anything, just like best friends do.
And then before I knew it, he was...he was this man! Tall, handsome, broad shouldered... The kind of man you look at and say to yourself, "As soon as I get over my bad boy phase, I'll find a guy like him. And we'll get married and have a family."
The kind of man that every girl's mother wishes she would marry. The kind of man that every girl's father respects and trusts. The kind of man who is selfless, and kind, and warm. The best kind of man. The best kind of friend.
And when I realized this, it was just so...sudden. I mean all those years I knew him, and I watched him grow into this man, but I just never thought...
Until it occurred to me one day, that he is everything I have always wanted. And yet, he's still all of those things that he was. Dorky, little, naive, scrawny, and admiring. He just grew up.
((Sigh))
Now that he's in the NFL it's almost harder. Because he has so many more things for people to covet. Fame and money... But I don't really care about those so much. I mean it's cool, don't get me wrong. But it's almost like an elephant in the room. The room, being our friendship. Because I feel like...like I don't want him to think I'm like that. I hope he knows. But even asking him for a Superbowl ticket, I feel kind of guilty. And if he and Laura do break up in the off season, what then???
If I pursue him, will he think I'm only doing it because of what he's become??
And what if I don't pursue him? Will I miss out on my chance?
What if he and Laura don't break up at all??

I just...I have to know. I have to know what this is. What I'm feeling. Am I in love with Todd??

Weekend Win

Well once again, I had entirely too much fun this weekend! Melissa picked me up around 4am after I got off work. I slept most of the way, while she drove. We got there around mid morning, and did a little shopping. Melissa wanted to get a team shirt to wear. I got a really pretty necklace with the team's logo on it. I love it. Then we went to the hotel to meet up with Todd.
He and I went to the front desk together, since he had already reserved a block of rooms. Originally, Melissa and I were going to share a room with Todd and Laura, but 2 of Todd's friends from Miami ended up sharing their room, so we got a room all to ourselves! So we got our room keys, and headed upstiars to shower and nap. As we were walking down the hall, I noticed our room was at the very end of the hallway. Like, a corner room.

"Wow, this must be a really nice room!" I said.

We opened the door and found ourselves in a suite of some sort. It had 2 rooms inside of it!

"Why is there $5 on the table?" I said, as we walked in the door.

"Who's jacket is that?" Melissa pointed to the couch.

"Uhh...maybe we are sharing a room with somebody. Hello??" I called.

"Yes! Who's there??" Came a woman's voice from the bedroom.

"It's Peyton." I said.

"Don't come back here! Are you delivering the food?" The voice said.

"Uh...no..." Melissa said.

"Well don't come back here! I'm not dressed!" The woman shouted frantically. "Honey, put your clothes on!" She said to someone else.

Melissa and I exchanged confused looks.

"Are you with Todd's party?" I asked.

"No! Don't come any closer!"

Now we were really confused. Finally, a woman walked out of the bedroom. She looked a bit frazzled, and was tying the belt on her robe.

"Who are you!?" She asked accusingly.

"Well...this is our room...I think." I said.

"Noooo, I'm pretty sure it's not! This is our room!"

"Hmm...well they gave us these keys, and they opened this door..."

I showed her the envelope with the room number written on it.

"Well this is a mistake!" The woman said.

"We are so sorry!" Melissa looked mortified. "Well go downstairs and ask them."

We picked up our things and started to head towards the door.

"Oh, I am going to call the front desk right now!" The woman said haughtily.

She practically shooed us out of her room.

"We totally just walked in on them doing it!" Melissa said, her mouth agape.

I laughed.

"That is so weird. I can't believe they gave us the keys to someone else's room!"

So we went down to the front desk and I explained to them what happened, and how completely disgraced we both felt at having walked in on a naked couple! The woman at the desk was very apologetic and gave us a coupon for a free meal for 2 at the hotel restaurant. When we finally got to our actual room, which was not as big as the other one, but still nice, and with an amazing view, Melissa went straight to bed, and I got in the shower. After we were both rested and ready to go, we met up with Todd's family and friends in the lobby, and headed over to the game. It was awesome! I got to know all of Todd's friends, one of whom is a girl named Reese, who was super cool. She was funny and outgoing and sarcastic like me, so of course we got along great! She even offered to let me stay at her place in Miami if Todd's team makes it to the Superbowl! WOOHOO!
And of course they won, and then we went to dinner, and out for drinks afterwards, where we hung out with some of the players...it was ridiculous. Melissa actually went back to the hotel after dinner cuz she was so tired. But I was kind of relieved actually, because I figured she wouldn't be able to make it through the entire night, and I didn't want to have to leave early on her account. So I just went by myself. Todd and Laura and the couple staying with them left the club around 1am, cuz Todd had workouts in the morning, and then it was just me the guys! Eight of Todd's college friends came to watch the game. I already knew 2 of the guys, Brendan and Andrew, from when Melissa and I went to watch Todd's college ballgame.
And I had an interesting conversation with one of them about Todd and Laura. Obviously, it bothers me to see Todd and Laura together, but I never let it show. And as much as I like Todd, I respect him, and the fact that he's in a relationship, no matter how unmatched they are, and I would never do anything to disrupt that. But I was very observant of a lot of things.
First of all, Todd doesn't really seem that into her! I mean, she's all over him most of the time, and he reciprocates, but he never initiates. He didn't even sit with her at dinner! He just doesn't act like a crazy in love guy would act. And I've seen how sweet and affectionate Todd can be. But he's not that way with Laura. And then there's the fact that Laura's mother is certifiably insane! She was at the game too, and Todd's mom was cracking me up saying things like, "That woman is out of control! I don't even know why she's here! I didn't invite her!"
But really, she's crazy! She tries to act like one of the gang, always hanging out with the younger crowd, but she just comes off as a creepy, annoying hasbeen. And that is definitely not lost on Todd, or the rest of his family. Abd then there's the fact that Todd has decided to move back to Dallas for the offseason, instead of Houston, where his girlfriend lives!! I mean...why would he choose to live in another city, when he could just as easily be with her!? Something's just not adding up.
So anyways, I was talking to Todd's friend, Brendan, about it. Not about me liking Todd (I'd rather keep that info to myself as of right now), but just about how he doesn't seem that interested in Laura anymore. And Brendan agreed. He said he thinks Todd just doesn't know how to be alone, and that he'd rather just stay in a relationship and not deal with the drama of a breakup and risk his performance with the team. I had never thought about it like that before. So maybe he'll break up with her during the off season...?? Who knows. But I'm going to wait for him. As long as it takes.
Todd offered me tickets to next week's game as well, but I told him to give them to my parents. Cuz they reallly wanna go, and I really need to save money if they make it to the Superbowl. Reese was telling me how ridiculously expensive everything in Miami is! But I really hope they make it!! I wanna go so bad! Sophie's not sure she'll be able to go now, but I really hope she can. If she can't, I guess I'll just go solo! Oh well. I'm sure it will be a blast!

Just Can't Wait!

Ok, first of all, I did not make up this whole thing with my dog just so I could get close to Brandon again. That's fucking ridiculous. And I did finally talk to him, and he agreed to do it, and we had a 5 minute conversation, which ended on a good note. He's going to stop acting like an asshole and being so weird around me at work!
So that's the end of that. And I haven't really talked to him since. He did text me once, asking me to send him a picture of Jasper, and I did. The end.
So tonight, Melissa and I are leaving to go to Todd's game. I'm so excited!!! I really need this weekend away. The beginning of my week started out pretty horrible. On Tuesday, some guy hit my car AS I WAS TURNING INTO WORK!! Ugh... But it was his fault, so he has to pay for it. It sucks though, cuz I had to get a shitty rental car. Good thing Melissa's driving tonight, and not me! The other good news is, I ordered Todd's jersey online this past Sunday, and I was just hoping against hope that it would get here in time. And I just checked the tracking online, and the package got to Houston this morning!! So it looks like I'll be sporting Todd's number at the game tomorrow. WOOHOO!!
As far as guys go, at the moment, I have none. And at first, I was a little sad about it, but now, I just don't care! Gavin was recently spotted canoodling with his ex, and Law School and I haven't talked since last Thursday. So, oh well. I'm just not gonna worry about it, and I'm determined have a good time! At that shouldn't be too hard this weekend!
Work has been rather crappy lately, but Mary (the girl who sits next to me) and I have really hit it off. And I actually like the new girl too. Her name is Veronica. Us 3 girls have been gabbing it up during lunch, and sharing half gallons of ice cream. Haha. At this rate, I'm definitely gonna need to start exercising more! Oh well. My boss has kind of been pissing me off though. He always waits till the last minute when he needs to turn something in to his boss, to delegate something to me and Veronica, and when he hands me projects, he waits till like the very end of the day! And then he expects me to finish them before I leave!!! It's sooooooo annoying!
Today, Veronica and I were frantically working on this spreadsheet, which required lots of research, data collection, and cross referencing, while he stood over us, telling us to hurry. But he only gave us one hour to do it!! And I knew it was because he was supposed to turn it in to Sara at 10am. So then he just hands off our work to her, and says it's his. Ugh. Is that really the way bosses are supposed to be?? That just doesn't seem right, or fair. I mean, I know delegation is a major part of their job, but they could at least give us these assignments in a timely manner. ((Sigh)) Anyways, my lunch break is almost over, so I better get back to work.
I really can't wait for tomorrow!!!

Just Friends?

So yesterday, after work, my plan was to go home and put on my PJ's, and curl up on the couch, which I did. Melissa had been trying to convince me to meet her and some friends out at my bar to watch the championship game, but I was really tired, so I told her I was gonna have to pass. But then she texted me at 7:15, saying I needed to get up to there RIGHT NOW because Law School was there, sitting at their table. Mutual friends or something like that. Soooo... I went up there, against my better judgement. But of course, I acted like I didn't expect him to be there, and he did sneak up on me, so my surprise was actually pretty genuine.
So me and Law School hung out a little bit, and it was all cool, but then he kept talking to Melissa! And maybe I was just being paranoid, cuz he is extremely friendly, and he wasn't flirting with her or anything, but when I went to the bathroom and came back, he was talking to her. And then I got really upset, which I guess she could see in my face cuz she asked me about it.
And I said, "Well it looks like Law School is more interested in you than he is in me."
"WHAT!? He is not, he was asking me about you!" she said.
"What was he asking??" I said, suddenly intrigued.
"He asked me what you'd told me about him, and I just said I dunno, I heard you mention his name once or twice, and it was nice to put a face with them name. And then he asked me what I thought about you, and I told him I love you, and you're awesome, and funny, and like the smartest person I know, and you're my best friend!"
I inwardly sighed with relief, but still, I'm not necessarily sure all of that is 100% true. I mean, Melissa may have just been trying to make me feel better.
But anyways, she ended up leaving before I did, which left Law School and I alone (not counting the thousands of people in the bar) to talk for a minute. He asked what I was doing this weekend and I told him I was off Saturday night. Then he said he wasn't sure what he was gonna do yet, but to "give him a buzz".
And ok, I am so NOT going to "give him a buzz"! I already told him I was gonna be out Saturday; he can call me! Why does it always have to be my job to contact him??
I just still can't figure out how to read him. It's like...he's kind of touchy/feely/huggy with everyone, even guys! And he's realllllly outgoing with everyone, so I can't tell if his attentions are anything special.
Melissa thinks I should just ask him, but I told her I don't wanna seem desperate. ((Sigh)) I just don't know what to do. I mean, judging by his words alone, he seems genuinely interested, but judging by his actions alone, he seems genuinely not interested.And actions speak louder than words, right? So I'm just gonna assume he doesn't want anything more than a friendship, and hope things go back to normal. It kinda sucks, but the sting of rejection will wear off soon, it's not like we were ever together or anything. And I'll just try to keep myself occupied in other ways. Like, say...Gavin. Haha. I will most likely be seeing him at work tonight, and since I'm off tomorrow, maybe he and I will finally get that drink after hours...

I'm Back!

OMG I have so much exciting news! First of all, I finally got some booty! Lol. And it was definitely exactly what I needed to just...get me across that bridge. I mean, I had already made the decision to cross it, after my talk with Aaron, and I just...needed to do something to act on it! So me and Tommy Bahama (JC's friend from out of town) ended up going out to dinner Thursday! Then on Friday, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself out of work by 1am! So I hightailed it over to Washington to meet up with TB, JC, Ben, Mark and everybody. I had a little bit of a power hour, which was just enough to get me feeling free. Free of the stress, and pressures of the work week, and ready to let loose and have some fun! And that's exactly what I did!

Soo...Tommy Bahama and I hung out all night, and we both ended up back at JC's place, and first we were just sitting there, talking, about anything and everything! And then one thing led to another... And before I knew it, I was a liberated woman! FREE AT LAST!!

I mean, I know it was more of a mental thing than anything else, because I did this for myself. And it was fun! And, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! It's like...I'm back! HAHAHA!!

I know, I may seem a little extremist, and maybe you think it was irresponsible, or foolish to sleep with a guy I just met, but guess what? I don't care! Just know, that I didn't do it for revenge. I didn't do it because I hoped that Brandon would find out and come crawling back. I just did it for me. And I don't care if he finds out or not. I really feel like I'm over him! I mean, not completely. But mostly. The pain is pretty much gone. I don't fall asleep thinking about him, or panic about going to the bar and seeing him, or wonder what he's doing or what girl he's with. I just don't care!

So obviously, I was in a very elated mood all day Saturday. Nothing could get me down! After work, Taryn and I went over to JC's again, because it was TB's last night in Houston! Unfortunately, by the time I got there, all the guys were just about ready to pass out. So I said my goodbyes to TB, and finally headed home, completely exhausted.

On Sunday, I slept till like 4:30pm! I had a whole week's worth of sleep to catch up on. TB had already left to go home to Colorado. He's originally from Colorado, but he's been living and working in the Bahamas for the last few months. Anyways, I talked to Melissa on the phone about everything, and she just kept gushing to me about TB, asking me when I'm gonna see him again, etc. And I promptly set her straight. I have no plans to see him again, and even though I think he's a nice guy, he already served his purpose. To help me move on. I mean, nothing could come of it anyway; he lives in Colorado!

But the funny thing is, he hasn't stopped texting me since! He was texting me all day today while I was at work. And honestly, it was a welcome distraction, cuz after the weekend I had, I was having trouble staying awake. Oh, and while I'm on that subject, let me just point out that my boss specifically told me, I can come in and leave whenever I want, as long as I put in my 40 hours. And last week, I put in 45 hours! So don't bitch at me about how this is my "chance to be an adult"! Fuck you! I AM being an adult! I got this job myself, I support myself, I may not be perfect, but I'm a big girl, goddammit and I'm not stupid. So don't talk to me like I am.

Sorry if that sounded a little harsh, but like I said, I'm a new woman. Very liberated.

So anyways, Tommy Bahama has been texting me all day, asking me all kinds of questions about myself, and what I like to do for fun, and what kind of guys I date, and what my longest relationship was. Stuff that only a genuinely interested guy would ask, right?

It's strange...

Anyways, so this project I started working last week, I finished 2 days early! And my boss was incredulous! So yayyy points for me! Except today I think he was scrambling around trying to find things for me to do, cuz he thought I'd still be working on last week's project. Oh well. At least he was impressed! Well, I really should be going to bed soon. ((Sigh))

Goodnight World!

Damaged Goods

Well I start the new job tomorrow. I'm pretty anxious about it. I'm not really sure what to expect. I went shopping with Melissa yesterday to get some comfy pumps, and couple more things to add to my professional wardrobe. I didn't do anything last night, because Bethany, Tug, Summer and Ben were on a double date. :/
Usually Bethany and I do movie Mondays, but obviously that was a no-go. ((Sigh))
So I spent my last 2 free nights sitting at home, by myself, in my pajamas. And I was reading an old journal the other night, from 2002. And I just can't believe how…carefree and happy I was then. And even when I was having problems with my boyfriend at the time, which not surprisingly, are the same kinds of problems I still have with guys, it was like I had at least 2 other guys on the backburner to distract me from my current relationship problems! And it's not that I was cheating with these other guys, but they were just around, to flirt with and make me feel wanted. I mean, how sweet is that! I was so…innocent, naive even, but so bold, unafraid, undaunted, and adventurous. And I wouldn't even say I was confident, I was just…fearless. And now…I've become so cautious, jaded, apathetic, ripped apart and beaten down that it's like…I don't even have the desire, or the drive to go out and find those things anymore. And I wish I did! I wish I could be like that again. How is it that in every relationship I've ever been in (save one), I always have to question the guy's feelings. He never calls when he says he's going to. Always makes me wait around, takes me for granted, treats me with indifference, doesn't express his feelings, verbally, or otherwise. They've all been the same. Disappointment after disappointment. I just want a guy to really love me, and not be afraid to show it. Not try to change me, or make me less of a woman, less independent, less of who I am, just to make himself feel bigger, stronger, better… Why does everything have to be a competition??? I'm not looking for competition. I'm looking for companionship. So what if we work together? Why do we have to be competitors? Why can't we just be coworkers? Friends? Why are men so selfish, inconsiderate, and egocentric?? Why do they have to act so spiteful and mean when they feel they've been bested. Who's even counting?? Why do they always feel like they have to trade up. Like there just might be something better out there. Not to sound narcissistic but, what could be better than me?? I have a lot to offer. I'm smart, unique, and fun. I like to go out do things, travel, laugh, be goofy. I don't get mad easily, and I'm not catty, and I don't like to play games. WHERE are the men who are looking for THOSE things??? And how come the ones who claim to be looking for those things, don't ask me out!? I can't help it if I'm intimidating! If I intimidate anyone, it's because I know who I am, and what I bring to the table. I don't do it intentionally. I'm not mean, or condescending, or patronizing. I'm accepting, and outgoing, and friendly. I'll talk to anyone! But apparently people are afraid to talk to me. ((Sigh))I'm tired of doing all the work. All the heavy lifting, the worrying, the texting, making all the plans…I want somebody to make plans with me for once. Invite me out to dinner, or something. Text me goodnight. Call me when he's thinking of me. I just want somebody to be crazy about me.And I want to go back to the way I was.Where is that girl??And who is this person I have become?? Has the world really shaped me into this hardened, skittish, bitter, cynical, pessimist??I really am damaged goods.I think I may be losing faith in humanity.

Birthdays and Lawsuits.

Last night, Sierra invited me to hang out with her and Sheila, 2 waitress/bartenders from my last job. They were meeting up at my old bar. So I went up there to meet them, and there was Brandon, with another one of my old coworkers, Tom. Melissa had a friend staying in town with her for the weekend, so it ended up being the 6 of us for the night. And we had a lot of fun actually. We found a chill, low key spot to hang out, and posted up there for the night. I was a little nervous at first, because Brandon was drinking, but he was taking it easy, and everything was cool. I wanna say it's almost as if things have gone back to the way they were, with Brandon and I, except that we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. But we still talk, and joke and laugh, and enjoy each other's company. It just never goes any further than that. No pressure. It's kinda nice actually. I didn't think it could possibly be this easy.

At the end of the night, we all ended up back at my old bar, since we all took one car. And we were just sort of hanging out while it was closing up. I could tell Brandon didn't wanna leave until I was ready to leave. And to be honest, I didn't wanna leave unless he was leaving. So were kinda just there, in limbo for a while. But it was cool. Gavin was there, working, and we were all just kind of bullshitting.

Then finally, I said I was ready to call it a night. So we all walked outside.

"Hey, are you going to Taryn's party tomorrow?" Brandon asked as I reached my car.

"Yea, of course. Are you??" I asked. I was surprised he even knew about it.

"Yea I mean, some of my friends are going, and they invited me so...I was thinking I'd go."

"Oh. Ok well then I guess I'll see you tomorrow." I got in my car and drove off.

While I was driving home, Brandon called me. I guess he just wanted to chat while he drove.

"You're ok to drive, right?" I asked, recalling all the beers he'd had.

"Yea, I'm fine. I just...gotta go home, cuz I'm playing golf tomorrow and I took my clubs out of my car so, I don't have any of my stuff."

It was so weird hearing him say that, cuz that's something he would have said when we were together, after I asked him if he was staying the night. Except I hadn't asked him if he was staying the night. But maybe he thought I wanted him to. And I kinda did. But I'm sticking to my rules.

"Ok..." I said.

We talked until I pulled into my apartment complex. Then I told him I was home and letting him go. And that was it!

He sent me a text a few minutes later that said he just wanted to let me know that he made it home, and goodnight.

Maybe we can be friends. I mean, I realize this is totally not a normal friendship, because there's that anticipation there. It's like we both know where it's gonna lead eventually, we just...don't know how long it'll take us to get there. But I kind of like it that way. It adds excitement, and mystery. And we're hanging out in groups, instead of just the 2 of us, so it's really casual.

Tonight is gonna be super fun! A huge group is meeting at this super nice restaurant for Taryn's birthday. And then we're going out for drinks afterwards. I got this amazing dress to wear! It's not too dressy, but it's cute, and sexy, and perfect for dinner and cocktails. I can't wait to wear it! And Brandon's gonna be there, so he'll actually get to see me in it!!

So lately, I've been so busy blogging about Brandon, that I haven't really had a chance to talk much about work. Things were getting a lot better for a while, but in the last week, it's taken a major nosedive. I HATE Justin, the main guy who runs the place. He's such a cocky asshole. He's one of those people who feels like they have to control everyone around them, and I can't stand that. He treats all his employees like they're his subjects!

On top of that, they take money out of our tips every night to pay the managers, which is illegal! And now they keep giving me all these really shitty shifts. I'm only working one day this week! At 10 o'clock! I can't afford to work four hours a week! How the hell am I supposed to pay my bills!? So I'm already looking for a new job. And as soon as I find one, I'm gonna slap Justin with a lawsuit! That's right. I've already spoken to a lawyer about them stealing money from us, and I can totally win. And it's not even about the money, it's about the fact that they treat all of us bartenders, especially me, like we're so easily replaceable, and they don't give a shit about us! And that's not fair, or right. So I'm getting even. Plus, I figure, at least this way, I'll be helping out Bethany, and Summer, and Tara. I'm really gonna miss working with them though. :(

The good news is, because I'm off so many days this week, I get to hang out with Todd! He's getting in town tonight. It's their biweek or something like that, so he doesn't have a game this weekend. AND Jenna's coming in town too. She's staying with me this weekend and all 3 of us are going out Friday. I'm just gonna have to be really frugal! But I can do it. My bills for this month are already paid.

Well, I gotta go hit the gym and the shower and start getting ready for Taryn's party! Wish me luck~!

Strange Surprises

So there's this guy, Ray, that I went to high school with. I never knew him in high school, but he and Melissa are friends. So a while back, he Facebooked me, and I accepted him. Ever since I accepted his friend request, I've noticed that he frequently comments on my status, notes, etc. Especially when things were not going so well with Brandon and I. He's always telling me he's "there for me if I need anything", and all this other kinda stuff.
And I mentioned it to Melissa, and she just said that he's a super nice guy, not a creeper or anything.

Well today, my FB status said, "I give up." I left my computer idle for a while, and when I went back to it, I noticed I had a new message from Ray. It said,
"I really hope things get better for you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you check your email."

So I checked my email...
He sent me a $75 gift card to Massage Envy!
I was so shocked. I mean...this guy is practically a stranger. We've never actually officially met! And he's spending $75 on me!?!?
I thanked him profusely, and told him that he really didn't have to do that. He said,
"I know, but it's not about what I have to do. It's just what I wanted to do."
Then he went on to tell me that he just feels fortunate in life, and he likes to...make other people feel good, or something like that. I dunno what to make of this guy. I immediately texted Melissa and asked her if she knew he was planning on doing that. She admitted that she did know, and that she was the one who gave him my email address.
"He loves you!" She said.
Me: WHY??? We've never even officially MET!
Melissa: Idk. Hahaha just take it and run. Honestly, you deserve to be pampered.
Me: What??? That's crazy! I mean, I thanked him and everything, but I almost feel guilty.
Melissa: Don't. You deserve it! He's so nice.
Me: Well...I don't get it. I mean we're practically strangers and he's buying me things.
Melissa: So! He's an admirer :) There's nothing wrong with that.

((Sigh)) I ended up chatting with him online for about an hour, just about all kinds of things. He was telling about how he went out wakeboarding this weekend, and that I should come along next time. And then we started talking about horses, and of course his family has loads of those too, and he said if I ever wanted to come and ride, I was welcome.
I dunno why I'm so skeptical, it's just...not normal for a guy to be so nice. Not to someone he hardly knows. I wish I was attracted to him! Maybe then I wouldn't think this was so weird, or feel guilty about taking his gifts. But, I guess I can't really say for sure if I'm attracted to him or not, since I can't really remember what he looks like, and I'm only judging from the 4 photos he has up on his profile. Maybe he's better looking in person?
I dunno, either way. He's really sweet for doing that for me, but even if he is Prince Charming, there's no way I'm getting involved with anyone for a long time.