A Clean Break

Hey guys,

Someone asked me a couple questions on my last blog, so I figured I would take the time to update you on those things.

1) Law School.

Things with he and I are actually totally back to normal. Which is awesome. We don't talk as much as we used to, but that's mostly because we're both so insanely busy all the time. But he still comes in the bar from time to time, and we hug and catch up. So everything with he and I is great.

2) As for Todd, I wish I could say the same...

I called him once, at the beginning of the season because he suffered an injury, and I had heard it was serious, and I just wanted to see how he was doing. Turns out his injury wasn't as serious as the press was making it out to be, which is good. But our conversation was shallow, and brief, and neither of us talked about any of the issues. Neither of us has tried to contact each other since then either. It's not that I don't want to. I mean, I still really care about him, love him and miss him... But I just don't know what he told Laura, and I know he's not one to keep secrets from her. So I think it's safe to assume he's told her everything, which most likely means she hates me. Or at the least, she isn't comfortable with me and Todd's friendships, and she certainly doesn't want to be friends with me. So out of respect for her, I just...I don't wanna say I gave up, because I will always value Todd's friendship, but at this time, we're just going to have to be friends from a distance. Sometimes I think about sending her an email, explaining everything, or asking her to meet me for coffee. But I know she would tell Todd everything I say, and he might think I'm trying to stir up shit again or something. I dunno...

Now that I'm moving, I've kinda gotten this idea in my head that I'm just going to leave everything from my old life behind, and start completely fresh. Which means I'm not going to stress about Todd, and wonder if he and Laura hate me. And I'm not going to try to mend things, because if he wanted to be my friend, he would have given me a call when he was in town, but he didn't. It's sad, but I'm resigned to this fate I guess. I'm just ready to make a clean break.

Next Time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Well, not really posted. I have a lot to write about actually, I just...haven't really been in the mood to blog. But now I have lots to write about so here goes...

Things with Todd and I have not improved. At all. In fact, I would say they're much worse. Apparently Laura told him about our conversation a few months ago, and not only did she make me out to be the devil's advocate, but she completely forgot to mention all the talking she did as well. ((Sigh)) It wasn't even like we were sitting there talking shit about Todd, we were just...commiserating. But it's my fault for thinking I could seek solace in my best friend's ex girlfriend. So now he thinks that I said he's turned into this huge, stuck-up, douchebag, famewhore. Ugh. And I even told him that I'm really truly sorry for saying anything at all, even though it wasn't that. And he just said, "I'm not mad, I'm just shocked. Sorry doesn't cut it."
So...WTF? What else can I do??
So I just said, "Well there's nothing else I can do or say, Todd. Either you accept my apology or you don't. Is this something we're gonna be able to get past? Because I just wish things could go back to the way they were."
To which he replied, "Yes, but I don't wanna think about this right now. I just need some time."
That was like 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

But, even though my relationship with Todd is heading in a southerly direction, one of my other friendships has improved. I met up with Law School finally, and we hashed everything out. I told him that I knew about the text messages between he and Melissa, and the shit talking, and the lying, and hiding things from me. He sincerely apologized and said the only reason he didn't tell me, was because he believed he was doing the right thing. He said since Melissa and I had been friends for longer than Law School and I, he thought it was only fair to defer to me and Melissa's friendship, and she didn't want to tell me. Although I don't think I would have done the same thing in that situation, I just decided I'm not going to dwell on it. I mean, he obviously felt bad, and put in the effort to show me he felt bad, so I should just forgive and forget, right? He and Melissa hardly even talk anymore, he said. But that doesn't matter either. He and I have texted back and forth a few times through out the week, and he's called me a couple times. So things between he and I are back to normal, I would say.

In other news, lots of stuff coming up! This coming Monday is my bar's annual boat party/staff outing! I'm so excited! and then on Thursday, I leave for Orlando to go to Harry Potter Wizarding World with Dad and Sophie!!! I'm even more excited for that! Oh, and did I tell you I bought my plane ticket to Chicago for Christmas?? :D
I only have one more month of working at my day job. I can't wait till September, ahhh! I'll have my life back again! When I'm in Chicago, Sophie and I are going to visit 2 campuses of schools that I'm interested in. And once I have my days free I'm going to start spending a lot more time thinking about schools, and working on my photography portfolio. Only problem is, my lease is about to be up, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that... But that's another can of worms I'm just not ready to acknowledge yet.

Oh, and I supposed I should update you guys on Kevin. I have no updates. ((Sigh)) I stopped texting him, and he stopped texting me. Of course it was always me initiating it, so that was a red flag right there. I did run into him last night and it was just...meh. No butterflies or anxiety about seeing him, just "hey". So it's definitely over between us, if there ever was anything to end. Oh well. Better luck next time?

What's Going On With My Guys??

A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 days, surprisingly, so I'm just going to start from the beginning.

Tuesday after work, I went up to my bar because they were testing out some new menu items and the managers asked us to come try it out. So Ali and I met up, and decided to hang out at my bar till the industry party, which didn't start till 11. I almost changed my mind about going, but I was already out, so I figured what the hell.
So Ali and I were sitting in a booth, chatting and killing time, and we were both messing around on Facebook, when I noticed some pictures of Todd and Laura. Together! So I immediately texted Laura, to find out if they were back together, and she said that yes, they had started talking again, and things were going great. And you have no idea how relieved and happy I was to hear this, because...after everything that's happened, I do think that Laura is the best thing for Todd right now. I don't know about for forever, but for now I think she's good for him. And they make each other happy, so I'm happy. So I sent Todd a text message...
"Hey Todd! I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but Laura told me you 2 are talking again and I just wanted to tell you that I think that's so great and I'm really, truly happy for you guys!"

Then he responded with,

"I'm not gonna lie Peyton, I'm a little hurt by what I've heard. She told me that you called her telling her that I was dating a girl with STDs and that I had changed a lot with the whole NFL mentality. What hurts the most is that you told her a month after we had supposedly resolved things. Then I flew in and out just for your birthday cause I wanted to show you how much our friendship meant to me. That's why I haven't talked to you, just didn't know what to say..."

I was so shocked and hurt when I read that. I mean...I thought we were past this? And honestly, I can't even remember exactly what I said to Laura that day she called me. But I know I didn't tell her he was dating someone with STDs! Maybe I might have said something jokingly, or flippant, and she took it the wrong way, but I wouldn't have said that to her, even if it was true, because that would only hurt her feelings. So I wrote back,

"What?? I never said you were dating a girl with stds, I don't know who has stds or not. Honestly I do think you've changed though, not necessarily for the worst, just different. You're more distant. I don't have any feelings for you in that way anymore, and I've figured out a lot of things. I was afraid of losing you as a friend and as an important person in my life and so I thought I must have romantic feelings for you. But in retrospect, I realize that we don't have that kind of chemistry. I love you as a friend and just want you to be happy. I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Laura. And I hope for that reason, you don't feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING that happened last Feb. Laura and I did talk twice. Once on FB and once she called me and we just talked...as girls. No shit talking about you. I'm sorry that you think that. But ever since the Jayme situation I've felt very discredited as far as you're concerned. It's like you don't believe anything I say anymore."

Todd: Well that's what she said, she would have no reason to lie. Same stuff I heard from you directly while everything was going on...

Me: I'm not going to play he said she said. Believe what you want, Todd. All of that shit is in the past. I don't even think about it anymore. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. Your prerogative. Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you

Todd: Ok well thank you, with the family, let's talk soon.

Me: Ok

((Sigh))
I tried to put our conversation out of my mind after that, in order to have a good time, but I definitely thought about it most of yesterday. And today, I talked to Bethany about it, and she said I should definitely call him, or run the risk of him thinking I don't really care. So I sent him another text about 20 minutes ago, that said,

"Hey Todd. I know you're upset, and you think all these shiteous things about me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. About everything. I'm not going to try to justify my actions or even explain myself, because I feel like that would be pointless. I meant what I said about being happy for you and Laura. I really do just want the best for you. I hate arguing, or whatever it is we're doing, with you. It's just not in our dynamic. And I just...don't want to do it anymore."

Now I'm just waiting for him to respond. So! Back to Tuesday night.
I did go to the industry party, and it sucked. Ali and I went together, but it ended up just being she and I, then Greg, and his girlfriend, and Brandon. So it was really awkward. And the party itself was lame, there was no free anything, like there usually is at those kind of things, so I ended up going home around 12:30, feeling rather blue. It's still too weird for me to be around Brandon in a small group. Work is one thing but...I dunno. I just couldn't stomach it.

So yesterday, Wednesday, I texted with Kevin all day, again, waiting and wondering if and when he was ever going to ask me out, and starting to lose my patience! And I also sent a text message to Evan, who I haven't heard from in like a million years! I've been pestering him for the past week, but he hasn't been in touch. Loser! On my way home from work, he finally called me! He said he's been busy with work, and he doesn't really go out anymore, he's practically married, etc... It was kind of sad talking to him, just because we've drifted apart so much, and he's moved on to the next stage in life, and I haven't. ((Sigh))
But at least we finally talked. He said he was afraid I was going to yell at him for being MIA for so long, and I said, "Well that wasn't so bad, was it?" And he laughed, and promised to keep in touch.

When I got home, I finally just sucked it up and asked Kevin if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he took so long to respond, that I was already mentally writing him off, when he finally wrote back.

"Yes, does tomorrow count as the weekend? lol. My buddy is having his bach party in Vegas Friday-Sunday. I'd like to hang out though."

So I wrote back, "I suppose tomorrow can count ;)"

We chatted back and forth a bit more, but he didn't say anything else about us hanging out. So now we have these tentative plans for this afternoon, but I'm almost halfway expecting him to blow me off or something. ((sigh)) Ugh...

Ok so this morning, when my alarm went off, I reached over to my phone, to silence it, and noticed that I had 3 text messages.
From Law School.
That immediately woke me up.

LS: Hey...I know you don't want to talk to me. But, I actually have friends visiting from home this weekend, the first guy got in town tonight and I brought him to [my bar].
LS: I thought of you...just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you. I just got my own place, maybe you can come by sometime, or I'll see you otherwise. Ciao!
LS: And...I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I've held that in for a while, but I mean it.

So I laid in bed, thinking about what he said, and mulling things over, and I decided I should talk to him. Finally. Maybe he really is sorry. And he's definitely put in the effort to talk to me, so I should give him a second chance. ((Sigh))

So when I got to work this morning, I wrote him back...

Me: I think you misunderstand my reasons for not talking to you, [Law School]. My feelings being hurt is just...collateral damage. If you want to talk, then you better be prepared to listen.

LS: Fair enough, I will always listen no matter how bad it is, as long as it is talking, not yelling.

Me: I wasn't planning to yell, or talk shit. Just enlighten you.

LS: I understood. :) Just putting the caveat out there. How have you been otherwise?

Me: Swell.

LS: Swell as in good or swell as in the water is rising?? Haha

Me: You realize I can't just sit here and make cutsie banter with you until we hash this out, right?? Because I'm willing to talk, but I haven't decided about anything else yet. And you might not even WANT to talk to me again.

LS: Haha. I'm very aware. What I've always like about you, Peyton, is that you don't let me press buttons. I respect that, because I'll try just to see if I can.

LS: And, to be completely honest, I'm not worried about not wanting to talk to you. I think I'm pretty objective about things and have no problem saying, "my fault".

Me: Ok then.

LS: Ok, next week. Or maybe Sunday. You can pick the battle zone :)


I haven't responded to his last text yet, because I haven't decided when or where I want to meet up with him, but...I think at least this is headed in the right direction. It will feel good to finally explain to him that it wasn't him dating Melissa that hurt me the most. It was them lying to me and hiding it from me, and talking shit about me behind my back! So I'll definitely keep you guys posted on that.

But mostly, I'm worried about my relationship with Todd. I just want things to go back the way they were, before I ever told him I had feelings for him. It was stupid. I was stupid. I ruined everything. Now what??

Things That Happened...

Ok. It's time to tell the story. The story of me, Melissa and Law School.

I'm not sure how much you guys remember, so I'll try to explain from the beginning. If you do remember, feel free to skim through this.
Well...Melissa knew I liked Law School, but she started dating him anyway. They both deliberately hid it from me, she lied to me about it, and they talked all kinds of shit about me behind my back. And the way that I know this, is because Bethany and Summer found Law School's phone in a cab one night, randomly, and saw all the text messages between him and Melissa. And they were riddled with shit talking. About me.

I have always been a person who responds to pain with anger. I dunno why, it's just easier for me to get mad, than to get sad. So I lashed out at Melissa in any and every way I could, as soon as I heard all the hurtful things she had said about me. I was also a bit drunk when I did these things, and at that point, I knew there was no possibility of Melissa and I ever salvaging our "friendship". So I just let loose on her.

First, I sent her an email that said,

Melissa,

Go fuck yourself.

Love Your "BEST FRIEND",

Peyton

Then, I sent a long, (and in retrospect rather embarrassing) email to her ex boyfriend, Tim. Knowing her history with Tim, it was safe to assume they would get back together at some point, so in my hurt and angry state of mind, I just wanted her to hurt the way that I did. And I knew that telling Tim was the way to do that. The message, while truthful, was a bit gratuitous and rambling, in my intoxicated state of mind. I almost regretted it the next day, thinking, "How am I possibly going to save face the next time I run into him??" But then I just shrugged it off, and told myself I didn't care. I wasn't going to apologize to him, or to anyone else for what I had done. There was no way to go back and change it now anyways.
He never wrote back, and I actually have run into him several times since, it wasn't awkward at all, in fact, he actually seemed happy to see me! And neither of us ever mentioned that long drunken email I sent at 3am. Later on, I learned through the usual channels, that Melissa and Tim were back together, and I wondered if he ever asked her about what happened with she and I, and Law School.

But as time has gone on, I have thought less and less about Melissa. I don't even miss her actually. She was fake. Being with her was actually physically taxing. Because I never felt truly comfortable around her the way I do with my real friends, like Izzie. And it's made me realize that there are very few people I do feel truly comfortable with, who really know me.
Needless to say, I haven't put more than a second's thought to Melissa in over a month.

Until today.

I had just gotten back to the office, from lunch with my coworkers when I saw that I had 9 new text messages on my phone!
That's odd, I thought.
Two were from Taryn, and the other 7, were from Melissa.
WTF.
My heart started pounding in my chest, the way it does when I know I'm about to get into a confrontation with someone. I am very confrontational. In fact, you could almost say I live for confrontation. It doesn't always have to be hostile confrontation, it's just...I like to speak my mind. I don't understand all these passive aggressive, cold shoulder type people.
Anyways, pasted below, are her very misinformed opinions...

U know after we stopped talking & being friends I left everything alone. Didn't ever tell anyone anything u had ever said about them including ur bf's like bethany, jenna, etc. Or told Laura how the entire time u would talk to her u would talk shit about her bc u wanted Todd. I was there for u everytime u had a problem. I even gave u money when u had none. Why would u tell Tim things about me? Things u were unsure of. I feel sorry for the kind of hateful person you are. & I wasn't sleeping with [Law School] when u ran into Tim. If u really want to know I slept w/ [Law School] once & I broke it off w/ him soon after bc I knew he wasn't right for me. U sleep with EVERYONE and I never judged u or told anyone & still won't. Please stay out of my life.

Now I just want to vent.
First of all, I have only slept with 3 people since she and I have been friends! And one of those, was Brandon! So I dunno where she gets off telling me I sleep with "EVERYONE". And she apparently thinks I said something to Tim the last time I ran into him, but in fact, I have never so much as mentioned her name to him in person! After I sent him that email, on that fateful drunk night, I let it go. That was it. I would also like to know what the hell she's talking about "giving me money" like I'm some sort of charity case?? Like SHE actually has money of her own to give! She gets it all from her parents! She's almost 27 years old and she still lives with her parents, being completely supported by them until TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO. I can think of a few times when she wanted me to go out with her, but I declined because I was short on cash, and she offered to buy my drinks, if I would go out. But that's it. And I will say that I always thought her generosity was one of her best qualities, but if she's been harboring all these horrible thoughts about me all this time, then who wants her Indian Giver generosity anyway!?
And yes, I said some things about Bethany, because we were going through some shit. But I told her all that stuff to her face, and we worked it out. Same thing with Jenna! I don't think I ever really said anything bad about her except that she complains too much. And I tell her that all the time! Yes, I did talk shit about Laura. I'm not perfect. I do shitty things. I'm HUMAN. And I was JEALOUS of her. And I didn't really understand her then, (I DO still think she's a bit batty) but she and I are actually friends now. And I like her! So doesn't that count for something??
And finally, "Please stay out of my life." PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY LIFE?! Pardon my hysterics, but, HAHAHAHA!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! THIS BITCH IS FUCKED 3 TIMES TOWARDS THE WEEKEND! I have made ABSOLUTELY NO attempts to talk to her, call her, text her FB her or ANYTHING. SHE is the one reaching out to me now, just so she can take one last jab at me, because apparently what I'd attempted, on that night that our friendship ended, has finally taken hold.

I finally hurt her back.

Verdict: GUILTY.

Apparently Law School is feeling guilty. And frankly, I'm surprised.
On Saturday night, Taryn said he was at her bar, and he asked her if they could get lunch this week, because he needed to talk to her and "get her opinion about something". And she said she was very short with him and said, "Well what is it? Just tell me now."
And he said it was about me.

And then she got busy or something (she was bartending) and when she finally got back to him, she asked him, "So where's Melissa?"
And then he supposedly said, "Dude, I don't know. I don't even TALK to her. I don't. At all. I haven't talked to her in like 3 weeks."

So, by my calculations, that puts the last time he talked to her around that night when all that shit went down.

So Taryn said he tried to call her yesterday, but she didn't call him back, and she says it's totally my call if I want her to call him back or not. At this point, I'm undecided. On the one hand, I wanna say "NO! Fuck him! I don't care if he's dating Melissa or not. That's not the point. The point is, he went behind my back, hid things from me deliberately, and talked shit about me. So I don't want or need his so-called friendship."
But the other part of me is reallllly curious why he's actually putting so much effort into resolving things...

Two Weeks.

"Hi Peyton, it's [Law School]. It's 10:30 on Tuesday...the uhhhh...19th. Um...I owed you a response, or a return phone call, and I'm not a writer, I'd rather talk. Uh...I know it's been a couple-well you probably, or you may, I dunno, probably, you may not wanna talk to me. Uuumm I can understand certain reasons why...umm but I think there's some good reasons to. Uhhh I was out of town in Ohio this last weekend, I was in Colorado for a little while, uhh and I'm about to go to China for a couple weeks so I've kinda had some busy... busy weeks but I kinda wanted to touch base with you ummm just cuz I didn't write you back. And I wanted to. Anyways, I would appreciate it if you gave me a phone call, when you have an opportunity. Uummm that's a bout it. Anyways, hope you're doin' well. Talk to you soon. Take care. Bye.
Oh! 555-5555, ...In case you deleted my number. Take care, bye."


((Sigh))

It's been 2 weeks. Two fucking weeks since I sent him an email telling him he was a coward and an asshole and if he wanted to date my friend, he should have just told me instead of going behind my back and trying to hide it from me. After which I deleted him from my Facebook.

Two whole weeks and he thinks I'm going to answer his phone calls?!?!? That I want to talk to him??? WTF. What could I POSSIBLY have to say to him?!?! I don't want anything to do with him. OR Melissa. EVER.

The only ironic thing about this situation is...he's the one trying to call me. Not Melissa.

Goodbye

I can't stop crying. I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. Summer and Bethany found a cell phone in a cab tonight. And it just happens to be Law School's. What are the fucking chances???
They read me most of the text messages between him and Melissa, which go back like 3 weeks. She told him everything I said. About how I had feelings for him, I was just trying to suppress them.. That whole conversation I posted!!! She fucking sent it to him!!! Just like Jayme did. And they even joked about who's friend I was. Now they both talk like I'm some psycho, and she is supposedly my "Best friend??"" Who does that??

I'm sorry if you guys don't understand where I'm coming from.

I can't write in this blog anymore. i just can't deal with everything I'm being forced to deal with, on top of all the criticism.
I can't trust anyone.
Not even my "best friend".

So this is it.
I'm done.

Back Off

I don't even know where to start. I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit. ((sigh))

Yesterday, I got an email from Melissa. This is what it said...

"Hey, I'm writing bc I needed to let you know something that I think you should know. Not this past wkend, but the wkend before that I ran into Law School and we started talking (he was out with Mitchell) and then we talked on fb. I know you don't have feelings for him, but I just didn't want you to get upset and think I was trying to talk to him behind your back. I've been so busy with the new job and getting up so early and going to bed so early that it slipped my mind especially since he wasn't even in town this past wkend. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

I texted her back,

P: Hey I got your email. So you and Law School are talking?

M: Well not talking, but we've talked. How do you feel about him. I know that you had a thing for him and that yall kissed so I wanted to see how you felt about us.

P: About you and Law School???

M: Yes

M: I'm not going to do something to hurt you especially on purpose. I mean you've talked gone out with other guys, but u never told me how u guys stood.

P: I feel like if you dated him that would be really fucked up, and I can't deal with another one of those situations, and I'm not going to.

M: Ok

P: We are friends, obviously, but I still have some feelings for him, I'm just trying to suppress them I guess. I talked to him yesterday, we just haven't seen each other in a while cuz he's been out of town. And I feel really hurt, bc I kind of knew this would happen cuz it ALWAYS DOES.

P: I don't feel about him the way I do about Todd, but the situations are too similar. It's just...resurfacing all this shit I've been trying to deal with.

M: I understand and that's why I'm asking you I'm not arguing with you.

P: I know, I'm just telling you how I feel. And just like with Jayme, I'm not going to tell you to not date him. Do whatever you want.

M: And you really think I would date him knowing that you're this upset by it. I thought u liked Law School back then, but that nothing came out of it. You never mentioned yall dating or whatnot and u told me yall went to the Christmas thing as friends. I didn't think u liked him enough to compare this to ur situation with Todd who you've always cared for. I thought that when yall met since u were with Brandon, it was just an attraction. It's done now so it doesn't matter.


I didn't write back after that. I was too upset. How could she do this to me, NOW, of all times!?!?? After all the bullshit I just went through with Todd!? And she knew I liked Law School, and she knew I wouldn't like them dating, otherwise she never would have written me an email about it. Ugh....

I thought about it all day yesterday. I mean, what are the fucking chances? I swear, the next guy I date is never going to meet any of my girlfriends until I have a fucking ring on my finger.

So I wrote Melissa an email today. Here it is...

"A couple things I spent the last 24 hours thinking about that I just need to tell you...

1) How could you say, "I know you don't have feelings for him"? If you KNEW I didn't have feelings for him, then why would you think I would care?? Either way, you had to know how I would feel about this situation, not just bc of what happened with Todd and jayme, but because when I came up to [my bar] that day you called me to tell me that Law School was there, I told you I was upset that he was flirting with you. And it really hurt me to see that. And you said you weren't interested, and you loved Tim, etc etc... But I thought I made it pretty clear to you how I felt about it that night. Things with me and Law School never went anywhere, but my feelings for him have always been confused, and complicated. When I met him, true, I was with Brandon, and there was an obvious attraction, I just chose to ignore it, bc I was with someone. But then when we broke up, Law School was one of the first people I thought of. And when we kissed, that night, and we talked the next day, I thought, or hoped, that it might lead somewhere. But then he appeared to either get really weirded out, or really busy. And I didn't want to force the issue, cuz he's my friend. So I pushed it out of my mind, for a while. We did make plans to hang out, a few times over the past few weeks, but he would end up calling me too late, cuz he works all the time, and then we just didn't see each other for like a month. And I'm not about to go chasing another guy, making myself look all pathetic and desperate. And I figured, he's my friend, so it's not like we'll never talk or see each other again. So I just decided to wait it out, and hope that things between us went back to normal, and then who knows?

2) How could you say we went to that Christmas party as just friends?? The whole reason I invited him was because of what had happened between us, and I wanted to see where it would go. And I even told you that he kissed me on the cheek after the party, and said, "he didn't wanna get me sick" but that I still thought that was something, since he had never kissed me on the cheek before we made out. At that point, I was totally into him, and I wanted something to develop. And HE had said to me, "What are you doing next week?" and then I invited him to the party. AS MY DATE. And everyone that was at the party knew that as well.

Either way, I feel like you had to know this would upset me, or you never would have brought it up to me this way. I seriously feel really hurt and upset. I mean, no this isn't exactly like the situation with Todd, but how could you say it's not comparable?? It's pretty much the same thing!
I am seriously in a place right now where I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I'm never going to bring a guy that I like around any of my girl friends again.

In MY rule book, you never kiss/date/talk to/WHATEVER any guy that one of your friends has previously kissed/dated/talked to. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER do that to one of my friends. If there is any gray area whatsoever, I just don't even go there. There's too much at risk. That's why I freaked out when I found out TB had slept with Alli. And at the time, Alli and I weren't even that close! I'm not accusing you of anything, or insinuating anything about you and Law School. I'm just trying to make it very clear how I feel about the situation.
And it's really coincidental that you told me about this the day after I talked to him. Bc I thought...I dunno. I guess it just doesn't matter.

And at the bottom of all of this is the fact that I'm feeling pretty shitty about myself right now. It's bad enough to get rejected over and over by guys you like just because THEY DON'T LIKE YOU. But then, to add insult to injury, they like your friend. They like your friend more than you, and they would rather be with your friend more than you. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were good friends with someone, and you had fun together, and hung out, and you liked him and hoped something would come out of it, but then you found out he was really interested in one of your friends?? Because if you can't, I can tell you it really sucks."


Ok, now before you guys get all Judgey McJudgerton on me, let me just say that, for me, Law School is one of those guys I will always be interested in, but will probably never act on, out of fear of rejection. You know, because he's my friend. Izzie thinks he's a total douche for making out with me, leading me on, and then deliberately trying to date one of my friends, which is a perspective I hadn't really considered. But...I dunno. Am I just being selfish??
I just don't understand how Melissa could have any doubts about how I would feel in this situation! I mean we were both there the night that she and Law School met, and I told her I was upset that he was flirting with her! She knew it bothered me, and assured me that she wasn't interested in him. And that wasn't really that long ago.

And as for my conversation with Law School on Sunday, I had texted him, to see if he was out. Because the previous Sunday, Taryn and I ran into him on Washington. And I thought maybe he and I could meet up. But he was actually at the airport. And then I mentioned, as an afterthought that I wished he would stop acting so weird and awkward around me, just cuz we kissed, because we shouldn't let that get in the way our friendship. And he said,

"Trust me, I haven't let that get in the way of anything. I'm not going to try and make excuses or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure that was the end of Dec, I was gone 2 weeks afterwards, then you were gone to some football games, and then I had a business trip, and then you went to the Superbowl, and I worked almost every day in March until I left for Colorado this week."

LS: I'm writing this as I'm in the car with my roommate.

Me: Dude...calm down! Lol. It just felt like you might be weirded out or something. And we're friends, so I have no problem telling you exactly what's on my mind. Sorry if that bothers you.

LS: It doesn't bother me at all...there's no hard or weird feelings at all. I know that I've been out of touch with you and and others lately.

Me: Ok well I just didn't want you to go to all that trouble to avoid me. ;)

LS: Haha...c'mon...well it's all good. I don't have any big plans coming up so we'll be able to go get a drink sometime soon.

Me: Ok well tell your roommate I said hi!

LS: Haha... Will do! Have fun at Brixx!

And that was that. So maybe he is just really busy. Who knows... But either way, I'm just so sick of this shit!!! Why does this always happen to me!?? Why can't I just find a guy who likes me?!? And why can't my "friends" just BACK OFF???!!

((Sigh))

Thanks, But No Thanks

So I ended up typing out a note, on my computer, in really large letters, and clipping it to my door.

Nick-

Thanks, but no thanks.
I am seeing someone.
Please stop leaving me notes.

P.S. My name isn't Pam.

So I'm pretty sure he got the hint. I left the note there for 2 days, and I finally took it down this morning. And, I haven't gotten any more notes! YAYY!! So hopefully, that's the end of that, and he'll stop lurking around my courtyard.

Well I hope everyone had a fun and safe St. Patrick's Day. I, myself, stayed home and went to bed early. I'm just not really into St. Pat's. I mean, in the past, I always had to bartend, and put up with all the drunken idiots. And now that I don't have to bartend, I still can't do anything, since I have to get up early in the morning. Plus, me and Mary, and my 2 new officemates, Veronica and Dana, are going out for drinks after work today. So I figured 2 days in a row might not be a good idea.
So yesterday, I stayed home, watched a movie with Jasper, and worked on my new photography website. The designing part is finished, and looks awesome, I just need to add more photos to it.
And while I was laying in bed yesterday, I got a text from Law School, asking if I was out. I told him no, I wasn't feeling great so I stayed home. Which is true, cuz I woke up with a sore throat on Tuesday morning. I think I kicked that already though, with vitamins and Emergen-C packets. Thank God! But it has been a while since I've heard from Law School. He left a message on my Facebook yesterday too. Some stupid corny joke. Lol. I still have a birthday card for him from a month ago! Maybe I'll give him a call tonight and stop by and give it to him.

So I'm not sure if I mentioned before, that I moved into a new office, with Veronica and Dana. At first I really didn't wanna move, cuz I really liked sitting by Mary, and I was in a cubicle that had PRIVACY. Mary wasn't thrilled about me leaving either. Lol. But now I'm ok with it I guess. I mean, I share this office with Dana and Veronica, but we all face away from each other, and pretty much mind our own business. But I like that I have an actual desk with drawers! So I hung up some of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comics, along with some photos. And now I can keep my books and purse in a drawer. So even though I don't get as much privacy, and I see my boss a lot more than I used to, it's not so bad being in here.

Dave and I were supposed to go motorcycle riding this weekend. But he was going to rent one, and there are no rentals left in Houston! :( He had a bike when he first moved here, but he sold it cuz he said it was so hot that summer, and now he regrets it. We've been having a lot of nice weather lately! So he said he's gonna get another bike soon. And I do think it's really awesome that he rides. I LOOOOOOVE riding motorcycles. That's the one thing I miss about Daniel. Haha. Last I heard though, he sold his Ducati, and got something else. LAME. But whatever. Dave and I can't go regardless. Maybe next weekend.

Things with all my friends are getting better. Bethany and I are good, Melissa and I are good, and Alyssa and I are the road to being good. We still haven't really hung out or had a chance to talk, but now that she's working back at the bar again, I see her more, so we get to goof off and chit chat during our shifts. She texted me asking me if I was doing anything last night too. Maybe she and I can get together this weekend since Dave and I can't go riding. She has a bridal shower coming up too. I better go check my calendar and find out when it is. I still need to get her something!

Dave just texted me that he is renting a bike for the weekend! Yay!! I wonder where he got it from?? I guess our plans are still on then. I hope he has helmets...

Crazy Week Ahead

OMG! My schedule next week is literally insane. Check it out:

Monday:
2pm - NovaLash appt (I'll explain later)
5pm - photography client meeting

Tuesday:
4:30pm - Waxing appt
6pm - PACK!

Wednesday:
5pm - Tanning
6pm - PACK!

Thursday:
5pm - Nails
6pm - Finish packing, go to parents house, drop off dog

Friday:
6pm - GO TO MIAMI!!


And of course I'm also working my day job on all of those days... Ugh...
So, about the lash appt. A friend of a friend works for NovaLash, and they need models in a couple of weeks for some event, and they're offering free lashes in exchange for the modeling!! And I figured, PERFECT! I'll have nice long lashes for Miami, and they're FREE!! It's gonna be so cool! I have so much stuff to do next week, ahhh!!
Tomorrow I gotta go look for a dress. I'm kind of dreading that. And Sunday, I'm supposed to be spending the day with Cecilia and Presley. I miss her, and we're planning on going to the beach, if the weather permits. Obviously not to SWIM, but just to hang out and catch up. This weekend, I definitely need to start packing. I would do it today, but I'm so exhausted I know I'm gonna crash as soon as I get home from work! I stayed up wayyyy too late last night reading Dear John. Really good, but really depressing. I HATED the ending. It just made me cry! Ugh, I hate that. That's why I don't usually read Nicholas Sparks. His books always make me cry. But I saw the previews for Dear John and The Last Song, and they looked so good, I just bought the books. I've been reading maniacally lately. It calms my nerves, and takes my mind off things. I've been thinking a lot lately about stuff...i.e. Todd. ((sigh))

So Laura is going to the Superbowl. I mean I should have known. Did I mention I'm going alone to Miami?? Todd was only able to get me 1 ticket. I never called Law School either. The more I think about that whole situation, the more pissed off I get. I feel like I'm losing the small amount of patience I used to have. It's like my tolerance for people is completely gone! Ughhh... Well it's not like he's tried to contact me either. And after all this, any residual feelings I may have had for Law School are completely gone. In fact, I'm glad nothing happened between us, because he's...DUMB! Just...AHHH so frustrating! Sometimes I feel like I just wanna call him out, and tell him I know why he's acting so fucking lame, and to get over it. But whatever. I'm not gonna call him.
So anyways, I'm getting to Miami a day earlier than everybody else. Except Todd and his parents, and probably Laura. I'm going to be staying with my mom's cousin, Maria. But I'm kind of hoping maybe Pete will let me crash in his hotel room if we're all out super late. Cuz Maria lives about 30 minutes away from the stadium. We'll see... So I may be spending Friday night by myself, or with my 2nd cousin. Brenden, Andrew and Pete are all getting there Saturday. And Todd has curfew that night, but I'm sure the rest of us will go out. Then there's gonna be a huge tailgating party Sunday during the day. It's gonna be fun! I just hope I'll have enough money saved up! Hopefully the bars do good tonight and tomorrow!

I Got The Blues

Alyssa and Russ had an engagement party and didn't even invite me. I mean, wtf!?? I've been friends with both of them since they first got together. It's not enough that she excluded me from the wedding party, but now she's excluding me from her engagement party??
I'm really, really hurt. She hasn't even called, or Facebooked me or anything. I'm almost at the point where I just wanna be like, "Fuck it" and delete her phone number, delete her from my FB friends, just...completely write her off. Because that's obviously what she's done to me.
How can people be like that??
My mom says I depend too much on my friends, and I should rely more on my family. I'm starting to think she's right. I just don't get it. I thought friends were supposed to be there for each other, no matter what. But apparently, I'm the only one who views friendship that way. You really can't count on anyone these days. No one but yourself. And that's just plain sad.
I mean, I still count Cecilia as one of my best friends, even though we hardly ever see each other. But I still see her as being in my wedding, if I ever get married. And she says the same of me. I wish Cecilia and I could hang out more. I really miss her. But she lives like an hour away, and has a daughter, and I work so much... ((sigh)) I wish I could ask her to the Superbowl. But she wouldn't be able to go anyways... She recently got laid off at her job, so I doubt she has money to blow, and then of course there's her daughter. But she's the hugest Colts fan. Lol. Seriously. So I know it would be lots of fun if she came with me. Ahhh, wishful thinking... I already decided I'm gonna ask my Dad anyway. Which reminds me, after I talk to Todd tonight, I have to call Law School. Should I let him give me an answer first, or should I just tell him I'm taking my Dad before he even says anything? He's pissin' me off, seriously. Izzie says his reluctance is because he thinks I like him, like him, and he's afraid I'll assume, or expect things if he comes. FUCKIN' STUPID! OMG. Get over yourself. I wish I could tell him that. But it's not even worth it.

Things with Bethany and I are starting to get back to normal...sort of. I mean I'm getting over it. But I don't think things will ever be the same as they were between us, because I kind of feel like I've finally seen her true colors. And my opinions of her have sort of...warped. She's very selfish. And I don't like that.
But anyway, I think I was just fed up with her before, but now that she's over her drama, I can talk to her without getting so frustrated I wanna scream. We went to the movies last night, with Ali. We saw It's Complicated. I didn't really wanna see that movie, but it's the one Ali picked, and I actually really liked it! It was hilarious! The kids were horrible actors though. And Jim from The Office seemed like he was trying a little too hard. Poor guy. He will always just be Jim from The Office.

Speaking of The Office, I should probably get back to work. Any advise about Alyssa??

C'est La Vie

You guys are kind of cracking me up, doing all this research to find out who Todd is. But let me just set something straight. I have taken a lot of measures to keep his identity secret. Changed dates, names etc... So even if you think you're sure you know what team he plays for, you're most likely wrong. And even if you DO figure it out, (which, you probably could, if you were really thorough) I will neither confirm, nor deny. I mean, think about it. The consequences of someone figuring out who Todd is could be catastrophic! It could get leaked to the press, or he could find out about it and read my blog, and read all the stuff I secretly think about him and his relationship with Laura, or Laura could read it and decide she really does hate me... I mean, it just...wouldn't be good. Plus, I just... I respect Todd, and I don't want to exploit him in any way. Sometimes I panic about this stuff, cuz I honestly never expected his team to be so good. I mean to say I didn't anticipate it would come all the way down to the Superbowl! And on the one hand, I think it would be so much easier, if I could just say what team he plays for, but then you would all somehow figure out which player he is, and some rude, inconsiderate anonymous person would post his picture, or something, and all hell would break loose. Todd is my best friend, ok? I don't want to put our friendship at stake because of a blog. I will stop blogging if this gets out. That's how seriously I'm taking this.

So, moving on!
I actually had a long phone conversation with Law School last night. Last week, we made a deal, that if he would let me come over and use his washer/dryer, I'd do his laundry for him too. Lol. So we had plans to do laundry last night. But he was still stuck at work at 7:30pm, and I was already in my PJ's, eating dinner. Around 10, I was in bed with a book, when he called.

"Peyton."

"Yyyyyes?"

"I'm so sorry I took so long. I just got home! We're trying to buy out this company, and it's just taking forever, and my boss told me I was gonna have to stay late."

"You're a workaholic, ya know that? I sure hope you like your job."

"I love my job! It's just...very time consuming."

"Well that's good. I wish I could say that same..."

We talked for about an hour. About work, personality tests, and football. Lol. Twas an interesting conversation! I told him how I almost asked him to go to the game with me this past weekend, and he just about ripped me a new one. Lol.

"Well you had mentioned you were gonna be busy all weekend, and I needed somebody to commit to the trip right then!" I defended myself.

"Well you still should have asked! I would have cleared my weekend for that!" He said.

"Hmm well sorry!"

Then he asked me if I was going to the game this weekend, and I explained to him how Todd offered, but that I needed to save my money and days off for the Superbowl, if they go.

"You're going to the Superbowl??" He asked, "How are you gonna get tickets for that!?"

"Todd, DUH." I said. "You wanna go?"

"Uh...YEA, that would be so fucking awesome. Free tickets?"

"No, half price. And my sister has first dibs, but now she's not sure if she's gonna be able to make it so...if you wanna go, you better start thinkin' about it."

"Well..how long do I have to think about this? Cuz seriously, that would be kickass."

"Well, if they win this weekend's game, I'm gonna buy a plane ticket to Miami ASAP."

"Hmmm...ok."

"But Sophie has first dibs!" I reminded him.

"Ok yea that's cool."

Our conversation was very relaxed, and normal. Just like it used to be. Which was quite a relief. And also why I blurted out "wanna go to the Superbowl?" Because if I had been overanalyzing everything he said, like I was doing last week, I never would have asked him. But at this point, we're back to just being friends, which really is a weight off my shoulders, cuz I don't have to worry about things being weird. And I think it would be pretty cool if he came to the Superbowl with me. I mean, no drama, that's for sure!
Speaking of drama, Bethany has finally noticed that I've stopped making any attempts to talk to her. And it's not like I've been giving her the cold shoulder or anything I just...got fed up. Ya know? I needed a break. But I finally talked to her yesterday, on my way home from work, and she asked me about my trip and everything. I still haven't told her how I've been feeling, but we're gonna try to get together for dinner soon, so I guess I'll bring it up then. I also had a Facebook comment from Summer saying "HEY! I MISS YOU!" when I got home. I wonder if she and Bethany had a conversation about me recently??

Izzie is coming into town this weekend, and she wants to get together for a meeting about the ad agency, and honestly, I really don't want to. I mean, I don't live in Austin, I don't know the market area there, and I really don't have anything to contribute to these conference calls and meetings! It just feels like a waste of my time! And that's just one more thing I have to do this week. One less day of relaxing, which if you recall, I only get like...1 and a half! ((Sigh)) And of course, I don't wanna tell Izzie any of these things, cuz she's my friend, and I don't wanna hurt her feelings, or make her feel like this whole business plan is a waste of time, it's just.... She seems to think this whole thing is just going to liftoff! Just with a snap of her fingers. And it's not. It's going to be a long time before we get a real client base and start making any profits. And she keeps talking about me moving to Austin and it's like...I can't just quit my job and uproot my whole life for something like that! I wouldn't do that unless A) it was a sure thing or B) I was really depressed and/or frustrated with my life and on impulse decided to pack everything and go.
And B is kind of the way I was feeling when Izzie and I first started discussing this business. I mean, Brandon and I had just broken up, I was lonely, and at a new job where I didn't know anybody, I mean... you know!
I'm not saying I don't wanna do the ad agency anymore, cuz I do! I just don't wanna make any sacrifices for it at this time, because I just don't think that would smart at this point. But...here I am, having a meeting with Izzie on my day off, and I know I'm just gonna wish I was sleeping. ((Sigh)) C'est la vie...

Just Can't Wait!

Ok, first of all, I did not make up this whole thing with my dog just so I could get close to Brandon again. That's fucking ridiculous. And I did finally talk to him, and he agreed to do it, and we had a 5 minute conversation, which ended on a good note. He's going to stop acting like an asshole and being so weird around me at work!
So that's the end of that. And I haven't really talked to him since. He did text me once, asking me to send him a picture of Jasper, and I did. The end.
So tonight, Melissa and I are leaving to go to Todd's game. I'm so excited!!! I really need this weekend away. The beginning of my week started out pretty horrible. On Tuesday, some guy hit my car AS I WAS TURNING INTO WORK!! Ugh... But it was his fault, so he has to pay for it. It sucks though, cuz I had to get a shitty rental car. Good thing Melissa's driving tonight, and not me! The other good news is, I ordered Todd's jersey online this past Sunday, and I was just hoping against hope that it would get here in time. And I just checked the tracking online, and the package got to Houston this morning!! So it looks like I'll be sporting Todd's number at the game tomorrow. WOOHOO!!
As far as guys go, at the moment, I have none. And at first, I was a little sad about it, but now, I just don't care! Gavin was recently spotted canoodling with his ex, and Law School and I haven't talked since last Thursday. So, oh well. I'm just not gonna worry about it, and I'm determined have a good time! At that shouldn't be too hard this weekend!
Work has been rather crappy lately, but Mary (the girl who sits next to me) and I have really hit it off. And I actually like the new girl too. Her name is Veronica. Us 3 girls have been gabbing it up during lunch, and sharing half gallons of ice cream. Haha. At this rate, I'm definitely gonna need to start exercising more! Oh well. My boss has kind of been pissing me off though. He always waits till the last minute when he needs to turn something in to his boss, to delegate something to me and Veronica, and when he hands me projects, he waits till like the very end of the day! And then he expects me to finish them before I leave!!! It's sooooooo annoying!
Today, Veronica and I were frantically working on this spreadsheet, which required lots of research, data collection, and cross referencing, while he stood over us, telling us to hurry. But he only gave us one hour to do it!! And I knew it was because he was supposed to turn it in to Sara at 10am. So then he just hands off our work to her, and says it's his. Ugh. Is that really the way bosses are supposed to be?? That just doesn't seem right, or fair. I mean, I know delegation is a major part of their job, but they could at least give us these assignments in a timely manner. ((Sigh)) Anyways, my lunch break is almost over, so I better get back to work.
I really can't wait for tomorrow!!!

Just Friends?

So yesterday, after work, my plan was to go home and put on my PJ's, and curl up on the couch, which I did. Melissa had been trying to convince me to meet her and some friends out at my bar to watch the championship game, but I was really tired, so I told her I was gonna have to pass. But then she texted me at 7:15, saying I needed to get up to there RIGHT NOW because Law School was there, sitting at their table. Mutual friends or something like that. Soooo... I went up there, against my better judgement. But of course, I acted like I didn't expect him to be there, and he did sneak up on me, so my surprise was actually pretty genuine.
So me and Law School hung out a little bit, and it was all cool, but then he kept talking to Melissa! And maybe I was just being paranoid, cuz he is extremely friendly, and he wasn't flirting with her or anything, but when I went to the bathroom and came back, he was talking to her. And then I got really upset, which I guess she could see in my face cuz she asked me about it.
And I said, "Well it looks like Law School is more interested in you than he is in me."
"WHAT!? He is not, he was asking me about you!" she said.
"What was he asking??" I said, suddenly intrigued.
"He asked me what you'd told me about him, and I just said I dunno, I heard you mention his name once or twice, and it was nice to put a face with them name. And then he asked me what I thought about you, and I told him I love you, and you're awesome, and funny, and like the smartest person I know, and you're my best friend!"
I inwardly sighed with relief, but still, I'm not necessarily sure all of that is 100% true. I mean, Melissa may have just been trying to make me feel better.
But anyways, she ended up leaving before I did, which left Law School and I alone (not counting the thousands of people in the bar) to talk for a minute. He asked what I was doing this weekend and I told him I was off Saturday night. Then he said he wasn't sure what he was gonna do yet, but to "give him a buzz".
And ok, I am so NOT going to "give him a buzz"! I already told him I was gonna be out Saturday; he can call me! Why does it always have to be my job to contact him??
I just still can't figure out how to read him. It's like...he's kind of touchy/feely/huggy with everyone, even guys! And he's realllllly outgoing with everyone, so I can't tell if his attentions are anything special.
Melissa thinks I should just ask him, but I told her I don't wanna seem desperate. ((Sigh)) I just don't know what to do. I mean, judging by his words alone, he seems genuinely interested, but judging by his actions alone, he seems genuinely not interested.And actions speak louder than words, right? So I'm just gonna assume he doesn't want anything more than a friendship, and hope things go back to normal. It kinda sucks, but the sting of rejection will wear off soon, it's not like we were ever together or anything. And I'll just try to keep myself occupied in other ways. Like, say...Gavin. Haha. I will most likely be seeing him at work tonight, and since I'm off tomorrow, maybe he and I will finally get that drink after hours...

Stupid Sh*t

Todd is home! YAYY! Our families are going out to dinner tonight, for my Dad's birthday. It's gonna be so much fun! Family, friends, and Italian food! MMMMMM...
Lately it's like, I get so excited at the thought of even getting to talk to Todd. And some may speculate it's because he's suddenly pseudo famous, but really it's just because I have a huge crush on him, and he's so busy all the time now and he lives so far away that I never get to talk to him, let alone see him. Todd and I used to see each other all the time! Even when he was away at school. So I'm really looking forward to tonight. And I'm gonna ask him if he's planning to marry Laura. I mean, rumor has it that she was hoping for a ring this Christmas, but she obviously didn't get one. And I'm thinking, if he hasn't asked her by now, I don't think he's going to! I mean, it's not like Todd doesn't have the means to support her! And they've been together for a long time. I just, honestly, all feelings for him set aside, I don't think they're meant to be together. She just has too much baggage, and emotional issues, and Todd is just so...simple and nice and logical and...drama free! SO not like Laura. But I'm gonna ask him. And I know he'll be honest with me, I'm his best friend!
Anyway, we hired a new girl at work this week, who supposedly I am going to be "working closely with". She seems nice. But I noticed that she's young and pretty, and that's got me wondering if my boss only hires young, pretty girls. Cuz there's really not an abundant supply of them around here right now. But I think I'm the first person he hired. He hasn't been in his position very long.
Well maybe she'll turn out to be really cool, and we can be friends. She actually lives on my side of town! Unlike everyone else in the office. My commute is about 45 minutes a day. Ugh...

I've been so tired at work in the mornings the past couple of days. I think it's because I got used to staying up late and sleeping in after my 4 day weekend. Plus, the project I'm currently working on has me uploading stuff that takes forever! So I literally just have to sit here, and wait for it to upload, and try not to fall asleep. ((Sigh))

I still haven't heard from Law School and he's been back since Sunday. Another ((Sigh)). And I haven't really heard from Gavin this week either. In fact, I've been rather lonely.

Oh! And let me just get something off my chest real quick.

Bethany.

I've been pretty pissed at her lately. Because you know, it's like I go from weeks without hearing from her at all, she doesn't return my messages, and she never thanked me for getting her free tickets to Todd's game (which I was pretty pissed about after all the stupid drama she ignited). And then suddenly, she breaks up with Tugg and "needs" me, and expects me to just...drop everything for her because I'm "supposed to be her best friend". And I'm thinking, Oh, so I'm supposed to be your best friend, but you don't have to be mine?? How is that fair??

I mean she was so quick to replace me with Summer as soon as I got a new job! Ugh... And you can really only say the same things to someone so many times. She's called me at all hours of the night, all weekend, going on and on about the same shit, and asking me what I think, and I just keep telling her the same shit! She already knows what I think! They need to just be apart. REALLY apart! At least for a month, if not permanently, which is what I think they need. But she doesn't ever listen to me, so I dunno why she asks for my advice anyway.

Oh, and she got mad at me, because I left an encouraging message on Tugg's Facebook page. She actually had the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't be saying nice things to him, because I'm her friend, and I'm supposed to be on her side! And I'm like, "WHAT!? That's crazy!" It's not like I went over to his house and let him cry on my shoulder or anything, it was just a stupid Facebook comment! And I asked her, if Summer broke up with Ben, would she just never speak to him again?? And of course she saw my point, but still. She's being ridiculously self-absorbed and silly. I like Tugg, regardless of their relationship status. And all she's done for the past 6 months is talk about how much she hates Tugg and can't stand him because of this and that, and how she wishes she was single, because she really likes Ben's cousin. Oh, and then there's the fact that she cheated on Tugg and slept with some guy she works with 2 months ago!! I'm just so sick of her bullshit drama! And the fact that she expects me to always be there for her, but she never seems to be there for me. Plus, she's been flirting with Todd on facebook! Everytime I leave him a comment saying "good game today" or something to that effect, she has to leave a message after me and like...one-up me or something! SO ANNOYING.

And Ali just told me that she and Tugg are trying to "date and work things out". And they went out on a date last night. OMG. If anyone can testify to how bad of an idea that is, it's me. You can't move backwards in a relationship. You can't unsay things, or undo things. And they've both said and done a lot of things to each other the last few days. And if they couldn't figure their shit out in the six years that they were together, they're sure as hell aren't going to now! Ugh...

Ok, I'm off my soapbox now, I just really needed to get that off my chest. And just so you all know, I haven't mentioned any of this to Bethany. I'm not completely insensitive, and I know she's dealing with a lot, and I'm not gonna add to it. I have tried to be there for her, and I've comforted her, and encouraged her, and all that crap. But that doesn't mean I have to like it!

Ali's birthday party is this Sunday evening and both of them are going to be there, and I just have this really bad feeling that there's gonna be drama, and the night will end up being all about Bethany and Tugg, instead of Ali. And it's her birthday!

Man, I need a stiff drink. This is the longest day ever!! I can't wait till dinner tonight. I'm sure Todd would love to hear all about my Bethany drama. Haha, jk.

Water Under The Bridge

I appreciate everyone's advice and insight about Cali, but really...it's all just water under the bridge now. If you all remember, we never really had that spark anyways. I don't hate him for not telling me, it just kind of makes me second guess myself, because I knew there had to be something he wasn't telling me! The signs were there. You know, whenever I would ask him questions about his life, he would always turn the conversation around, and deflect my questions back to me. And I always felt like he knew so much more about me, than I knew about him. And that's just not fair. Plus, it just didn't seem feasible that an attractive 31-year old guy with a good job could still be on the market. So I'm kind of kicking myself in the ass for not thinking about that stuff. Oh, and let's not forget, I have dated a guy with a kid before, (Daniel!) and I was totally ok with it. Because I knew about her, going into the relationship.

But really, it doesn't matter, because Cali and I both agreed that things weren't really lifting off. He did send me a couple drunk text messages on New Year's Eve. They just said things like, "i'm soreryr Peyton. im an asshloe." I had to tell him to stop texting me. That was another thing that bothered me. His drinking habits/drunk text messaging. So juvenile! But whatever, it doesn't matter. Maybe Cali and I can be friends later down the line, but you have to understand how this makes me feel, because...here I was spending all this time with this guy, against my gut instinct, trying to give him a chance and spilling my guts to him and...I totally put myself out there, and he didn't at all. That just...wasn't fair to me. So for now, I don't foresee us talking any time soon.

Last night at work was decent. It was the old crew working! Brandon was out of town (yay!) so I didn't have to work with him, and most of the newer bartenders were off. So we were kickin' it old school last night, and it was lots of fun. Ali and I got a little tipsy while doing inventory. Lol. And something I haven't mentioned yet... Gavin and I have been having some interesting text message conversations lately. Very flirtatious, very...enticing. Hehe. I anticipate a tryst finally culminating after years of sexual tension and bad timing. Lol.

The thing I've always liked about Gavin is that he's so humble. He's hot, but completely unaware of that, and he's funny, and very down to earth. And ever since we both got dumped, at about the same time, we've sort of bonded through our commiseration. Lol. So...I am interested to see where this is headed. Definitely not looking for a relationship with him, but maybe just a little fun.

Law School is coming home today too. I wonder if I'll hear from him? I'm supposed to hang out with Greg today. We both have off work, but right now I'm just sitting on my couch in my PJ's watching Todd's football game. I really miss Todd! Now that he's pseudo-famous and he's always so busy, we hardly ever get to talk anymore. Sucks... I talk to his little bro more than him now!

Well I made a sketch in Photoshop of my New Year's Eve dress! I got a pen touch pad for Christmas and it's awesome! So I just sketched this over an actual picture. Tell me what you think!

The Dime: 20twentyten10

So I was right to be pissed, because apparently his marriage wasn't the only thing he was keeping from me. This is the last email he sent me:

Peyton,

Thank you for the email. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm saddened by what I've done to make you believe I can't be trusted, or that everything you know about me is based on half truths. Here it is, my story...

I met Britney (my ex) 6 years ago while out with a bunch of friends in San Diego; she was our waitress at a restaurant/bar. She was finishing up school and I was fresh off a two month stint at sea (oil tanker). She was one of the coolest girls I had ever met...snowboarded, surfed, mountain biked, quoted funny movies, etc. However, what was lacking was a strong physical attraction, which I discredited as superficial and unimportant (I was wrong). We dated for three years and decided to get married in 2006. The key word there is "decided." Another lesson I had to learn the hard way. It was an ultimatum she had given me that I approached from a pros and cons standpoint, something I thought was logical and made sense; once again, not something I will ever do again. Our marriage, in fact our entire relationship, was based on a strong friendship, which is usually a good thing, as long as you're intimate as well. We were not. She was my best friend/sister, and that's how I treated her. To put things in perspective, in our three years of marriage we had sex probably a grand total of 20 times (and that's rounding up). About a year ago we had a son, and I decided to leave my life at sea and officially settle down. I took a job at [oil company's] headquarters in Houston, and we left our life in San Diego. The move to Texas was tough for both of us, but more so for her. I was traveling a lot and she felt isolated, away from family and friends. She started traveling back to California, for one month stints, and our relationship started to spiral out of control. I resented her for leaving all the time and she resented me for traveling and not taking all my vacation time. Then, while she was away in California for a month, I cheated on her.

Any excuse I give to why I did it or the circumstances under which it happened would only cheapen my deep remorse and sincerity for it ever happening. It was a cowardly and selfish act on my part and proved to be the final straw in our relationship. Do I think our marriage would have survived had I not done that? No. But I could have, and should have, handled it differently. The saddest part is that a child is involved; the sweetest, most precious, beautiful boy in the world has to suffer because of me. The divorce was very cordial, and I credit Britney with that. She could have handled it differently. We went to a mediator and had the papers drawn up...no court battles with attorneys, just a simple exchange of hands. She moved back to California and took our son and our dog with her. I fly to California as often as possible to see him.

There is a permanent tear in my heart because of what I've done and the hurt I have caused to both her and my son. I miss him immensely and love him with all my heart. When I was at your bar, the night I met you, I wasn't there to meet anyone, but I guess that's how it happens. I've learned so much about myself and what I need to do and how to act in order to have a healthy and loving relationship. That unfortunately was not the case when I met Brit, and most likely would not have been realized had I not gone through the pain I just went through (and caused).

That Peyton, is the weight in my back pack, and I'm so sorry you had to read about it in an email. It's emotional baggage that I am very ashamed of, and hard for me to share. But please believe me when I say I am doing everything I can to be a much better person, so that I never hurt anyone like this ever again. If I never hear from you again, I understand. I'm sorry.

[Cali]

That's touching and all, but kids are something you have to be up front about from the beginning. For some people, that's a major deal breaker, and you have to be fair, and honest about something that serious. Also, why would you want to keep your kid a secret? I mean, most people I know who have kids can't wait to talk about them! And I think that is just...weird. So, anyway, I doubt that I will be continuing to talk to Cali anymore after that revelation.

So, now onto New Year's Eve!

Well I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely hungover! Lol. I had so much fun last night though! I got tons of compliments on my dress, and nobody had one even sort of like it! I got to hang out with all my friends, be carefree, and I even kissed a boy at midnight! His name was Ross and he was only 22, but very sweet. That is, until he got wasted and started following me around everywhere. At one point, he put his arm around my neck from behind me, and then proceeded to fall down, almost taking me with him. Everyone was going, "Omg are you ok??" Because he practically choked me in the process. But...oh well. I probably won't ever see him again. It was just one of those situations where everyone around us was kissing, and we both just looked at each other and kind of shrugged like, What the hell? ya know, and so we kissed. But it was innocent, and fun! And that was before he was wasted!

Also, I got a text from Law School last night! Here's our conversation...

LS: So the word on the street is that you look super sexy tonight.

Me: Word on the street, huh? Who told you that?

LS: Can't teelll you! But that is the word on the street.

Me: I think you're just making that up cuz you KNOW I look good!

LS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha... love you too Peyton.

Me: lol, so how's it up North?

LS: It's been really good! I'm actually in Chicago right now...one of my best friends talked me into coming here for NYE.

Me: What!??! Lucky!

LS: Haha...I guess.

Me: I wanna go there soooo bad! My sister lives there now and I've never been.

LS: I love Chicago.

Me: I hate you.

LS: Love you too.

I didn't respond after that. And I do have to say, in Law School's defense, that he doesn't treat me like crap. He's my friend, and a good guy. And I actually know that. I'm not sure where things are headed with us, or even where they stand right now, but he'll be back in 2 days, and hopefully I'll be able to paint a clearer picture soon.

So after we left the bar, we all went back to Ben's house. By we, I mean me, Summer, and Bethany. Then Tug came over and Bethany dumped him. THAT was a bit dramatic... But it was a long time coming. They've been together for 6 years and she was tired of waiting for him. So we decided that when our leases are up, which happens to be next October for both of us, we're gonna move into a house together! I'm excited! I've been wanting to get a house, and have a yard for Jasper to play in, but there's no way I could afford it by myself. So it works out perfectly!

Well, it's back to watching movies and eating junkfood! The perfect medicine for a hangover! :)

Happy New Year everyone!!

Dreams

Last night I had 2 really strange dreams...
First, I dreamed I lived in an apartment, right across from Law School. And I was playing with Jasper in the living room of my apartment, and I happened to notice Law School, through the window of his apartment. My blinds were halfway drawn, so he couldn't really see me, unless he was really looking. So I peaked through the blinds to see what he was doing, and there was a girl there! She had long, dark brown hair, and she would have been pretty, except that she had a really long, prominent nose. And she was wearing his shirt...and that's it. And they were flirting or whatever, and I just...couldn't take my eyes away from the window! I don't know why. And then he saw me! And he kinda waved, and I just pretended I was picking something up off the floor (Jasper's ball) and I kinda waved back. Then I left the window and went back to playing with Jasper, and suddenly, they were both in my living room. I don't know why, or how they got there, but that's dreams for ya! So anyways, I can't remember why they were there. I think I had something of his, maybe? But I was pissed, because here he was, the guy I like, with some chick, that he'd obviously just had sex with, in my living room! So I was kind of short with them. He made some blithe comment about them having sex, and I said, "Yea, I could feel the walls vibrating. Now both of you, out! I have to practice piano." And they scooted as I shooed them, and then I sat down at the piano and began playing a very melancholy song.

In my second dream, it was New Year's Eve, and I was at the club, with this guy, I have no idea who! He doesn't exist in real life, but I knew him in this dream. And the night started out kind of fun, and then before I knew it, I was sitting at the bar alone, wondering where all my friends were, and it was 11:48. Almost midnight. And I had this sudden sense of urgency, "Oh no! I have to get out of here! I have go to my bar, and kiss...kiss who?? I have no one to kiss!"
And then that strange guy that I was with, was suddenly sitting next to me, and then we were kissing. But I didn't really wanna kiss him, I just did, because he kissed me. Ugh... It was horrible.

Gee, I wonder what those 2 dreams mean??? It's so weird how dreams are such pure reflections of our thoughts. Anyways, Cali called me 3 times yesterday, and sent me a text, asking me if he was "in the dog house". I just didn't feel like talking to him. I needed time to process, and absorb, ya know? So I didn't respond. But by the time I got in bed last night, I decided I wasn't upset anymore. I mean, I understand how it can be hard to talk about something like that, and I know he wasn't trying to deceive me or anything it's just... I have lots of ex boyfriends, ok?? There's no reason for me to talk about any of them, because clearly they weren't for me! But I don't have any ex-husbands! I didn't make any lifetime commitments to anyone, or possibly have any children! But he did. And I don't think you can really compare a marriage to just a relationship, because it's so much more profound than that. But whatever, I'm over it now. When I got to work this morning, I had an email from him. This is what it said:

Peyton,

It's obvious that I've upset you, and my guess is that it's because I didn't tell you I was divorced. I'm sorry. In about a week from now you'll have forgotten all about me, and I just want you to know that I never intended to be deceptive, nor did I have any ulterior motives or bad intentions. I really liked you and I wanted to tell you when I thought it was right. It's apparent to me now that I should have said something earlier. I truly am sorry.
Take care Peyton, and I wish you all the best in 2010.

Kindest Regards,

[Cali]


Kindest regards??? Who says that?? ((sigh)) Well anyways, I wrote him back. And this is what I said:

Obviously, you're pretty good at making assumptions, but before you go off thinking that I hate you and never wanna talk to you again, let me just explain where I'm coming from.
I didn't feel like talking to you yesterday, because I needed some time to process that information, and I was afraid that if I did talk to you, I might end up saying something smarmy, sarcastic and mean. I mean, you drop a bomb on me, and then just expect me to blithely carry on a conversation with you as though it never happened??
Yea, I'm kinda pissed that you didn't tell me, because you pretty much assumed I would react a certain way, therefore making that decision for me, instead of letting me make the decision to react, however I would have reacted, on my own. You should know that that's not the type of thing you keep from someone you may possibly, eventually have a relationship with. Even if you think you wanna wait and tell them, the more you get to know a person, and the more time you spend with them, the harder it is to tell them, and the easier it is to avoid the subject, and ultimately, someone ends up getting pissed off, or hurt. Obviously, since we both agreed that this didn't seem to be going anywhere, it's not that big of a deal, but I just think you should know that, for future reference.
Also, I kind of feel like everything I thought I knew about you, all the opinions I formed about you, were based on half truths. So I kind of just wanted to think about things, and not deal with any bullshit. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a pretty no nonsense person, and I don't like people hiding things from me. I just put up with too much of that shit in the past.
And I find it hard to believe that you could just be totally over your ex-wife after only 6 months! I mean...I'm just barely over my ex, and we weren't even married.
Now, since I don't know the story, or the circumstances, I'm not going to make any assumptions about it, I just know that divorce can be a very messy, emotional situation. And while I understand you not wanting to tell me that you were married, I still don't agree with it.
I don't think you had bad intentions, or ulterior motives, and I wasn't going to just write you off and never speak to you again. But at this point, I kind of feel like you know a lot about me, and I obviously know nothing about you. So..how does that work?? I guess I'm just frustrated, and I really need a stiff drink.


So, I said my piece! He knows how I feel, and I think I put it pretty diplomatically. ((sigh)) Well, I know he already read it, but he hasn't written back yet. I'm sure he will though. But for now...it's back to work.

Content

Well it certainly has been a busy week! Sophie got here on Friday, but I didn't get to see her that night, since I had to work. And Friday was definitely an interesting night...
Cali had promised to stop by the bar and see me, but instead, I got bombarded with drunk texts messages from him, professing his undying love for me and telling me how much he misses me, and how wasted he is. Ugh... Not the biggest turn on. I thought dating an older guy would mean I wouldn't have to put up with that crap! I mean, "I love you love you I love you" may be exactly what a girl wants to hear, but not under those circumstances!
The next day, he texted me several apologies. And apparently, he had also sent a few of those drunk messages to his mortgage loan officer, by mistake. Her name is also Peyton, but spelled "Payton". Even he is not sure how he made that mistake. Still funny though. And well deserved, in my opinion.
So Sophie and I went out Saturday night. I had hoped that Law School would meet up with us, but he had other "commitments" that night. A work party I think. He did text me though, to say he would try to meet up afterwards, but apparently that didn't pan out. Oh well, we still had fun. And I decided to just...stop pursuing or entertaining any ideas with Law School all together. Because 1) He's not going anywhere, and I have enough stress with holidays as it is, and 2) If we have chemistry, then he knows it, and he can't deny it.
We did end up seeing Cali on Saturday night though. After his series of apologies, he had texted me saying he'd like to meet up just for one drink, to say hi and meet my sister. So I decided I'd allow it, despite my new confusing feelings about him, and he met us at the first bar. Sophie thinks he's super hot and nice and that I should go for him, despite his drunken debauchery. She also pointed out that he's successful, and thoughtful, and he listens to what I say. He actually bought me The Hangover on DVD because I'd mentioned I really wanted to get it. Melissa agrees with Sophie. ((Sigh)) So that definitely gave me some food for thought. So Sunday, Sophie and I hung around the apartment, did a little Christmas shopping and watched The Hangover.
Monday after work, my mom and Sophie came over and we went out to eat for Sophie's birthday. Then yesterday, we all went over to my aunts house to visit with family. That was really fun. I have 2 twin cousins who just turned 17, and another 18 year old cousin, with a baby! See the Peyton Family Tree if you want more details. Quite the family we have... But they're all so much fun to hang out with.
So I left my aunts around 9pm, since I was getting a little tired, and I knew I had about a 30 minute drive ahead of me. And as I was driving home, guess who calls??
Law School.
I answered with some trepidation, but I figured, he must be calling for some particular reason. And after a minute of small talk and "how are you"s, I figured he'd get down to it. But he didn't! Apparently, he just called to ask about my weekend. Hmmm...
So we talked for about 20 minutes. He's leaving tomorrow at 6:30am to go back East for Christmas and he won't be back till January 3rd. So there goes all my pipe dreams about kissing him at midnight. Oh well. Actually, I'm kind of relieved, because that's just one less thing for me to stress out about this New Years Eve. And now that I know what he's doing, I was finally able to decide on my plans for NYE! I got a text from Summer late last night, begging me to take off NYE so I could hang out with her, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Ben and Michael had told me Saturday night that they bought 20 tickets, and reserved a table at our bar on Washington for NYE. So I'm gonna go. And I think I'm gonna invite Cali. He mentioned that he didn't have any definite plans yet for New Year's, and I don't wanna be a 3rd wheel, so what the hell! And even though this pretty much guarantees a kiss, I think it will be fun. And a little alcohol can't hurt the situation, right? And when I say a little, I mean a little. Not copious amounts. NOT doing that again. And hopefully, neither is Cali!
Tonight is the party I'm throwing for Sophie's party. It's gonna be mostly her friends, but hopefully a few of mine will show up, since I promised games, alcohol, and white elephant. I'm gonna be super busy cleaning and setting up as soon as I get home, but I'm looking forward to it!
So I've made all my decisions, and made all my plans, and I feel pretty good about them. In fact, I feel pretty good about everything right now. My life, in general, seems to be at peace. I'm content. Maybe not blissful, but content. And that's good enough for me right now.

WESTCCP

White Elephant Sex Toy Christmas Cocktail Party!
Last night was an absolute success! I met Law School at his place, and he drove us to the party. I wore a strapless black cocktail dress, very classic, and simple, with red pumps, to be festive. We were a bit late to the party, but we got there at just the right time. I introduced Law School around to the people he hadn't met before, and we helped ourselves to drinks. Mark and some of the other guys were watching the football game in the living room, so Law School kind of drifted in that direction shortly after we got there. He made a really great party date, because he mingles and makes friends easily, so I didn't have to babysit him. There were lots of people there, Bethany, Tugg, Summer and Ben, of course, Tara and Hot Dereck, Mark, JC, and Ali and Taryn, and their dates, and some of Ben's friends from work, that I didn't know. But everyone was really nice. We waited till everyone was a little bit sauced before we began the White Elephant game. I, myself, brought nipple tassels, anal beads, and a Santa Clause banana hammock. Lol. Tara ended up picking my gift, and she immediately put the nipple tassels on, on the outside of her shirt! Dereck put the thong on too. They looked so funny!
The game was hilarious! Someone brought a powerdrill, with a giant dildo on the end of it. Ben picked that as his gift, and he got a huge kick out of it! There was also a "life-like" vagina, several vibrators, a lovers game, and a pool float with a life sized naked woman on it. Haha. I ended up leaving with some fuzzy, purple handcuffs, flavored lube and some Naughty Christmas Coupons. So...not bad, I don't think. Poor Law School got a pocket rocket! I have no idea what he's gonna do with that! Haha.
There were definitely lots of laughs during the game. And then of course, we all took some celebratory shots afterwards. There were 8 bartenders in attendance, so naturally we had a great liquor selection. Around 11:45, I figured it was time to get going. Both Law School and I had work in the morning. So we said our thank yous and goodbyes and headed out. He opened the door to the car for me and I got in. We chatted on the way back to his place. And then he walked me to my car. We were still deep in conversation about Wedding Crashers vs. The Hangover. Lol. Then I got in my car, and thanked him for coming.
"Well, I don't wanna get you sick..." He said, and kissed me on the cheek.
Poor guy was sneezing all night. Lol.
Then we said goodnight, and I left! All in all, it was a good night. I mean, it wasn't awkward, and we both had fun. And I know the kiss on the cheek had to mean something, because he's never done that before when we've hung out just as friends. When I got home I sent him a text message.
Me: Sorry if I kept you out too late.
LS: Don't apologize when you didn't do anything wrong!!! :)
Me: Ok then I'm not sorry!!
LS: That's better.
Me: Lol ok. Well thanks for coming.
LS: Sure, anytime...thanks for inviting me... I would have been a lot more fun if I wasn't fighting the sneezes and sniffles.
LS: I'll talk to you soon.
Me: Ok goodnight.
LS: Later skater ;) ---------- He is a huge dork. Lol.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day! It's the weirdest thing. Because I mean...we're friends! Lol, and even though I've always thought of him as a possibility, I just never really entertained that possibility, until now! So it's kind of strange. I'm definitely in foreign territory here. I've never tried to date one of my friends. At least, not successfully. I mean...I sort of tried with Todd, just by telling him my feelings, but he has a girlfriend, so that obviously didn't work out. And then there was that incident with Evan. But I never wanted to date him! So this is different. Because I actually like Law School. And I actually think this could work. We have a pretty solid friendship. I mean, we've known each other, what? 6 months? And our relationship has been completely platonic. And we've had serious conversations about our past relationships, and our families, and values, and opinions, etc. So I feel like I do know enough about him to make an informed decision, for once. But there's just so much grey area. And I can tell that this is the kind of situation that will require lots of communication, in order to keep things from getting confusing. But for now, I'm just gonna let him come to me. He still owes me dinner! And he said, "Talk to you soon." so...that means he's gonna call, right?

Sophie will be here this Friday! I can't wait! She and I have a lot of things planned. Unfortunately, Brent couldn't make it down, because he just got a promotion at his job, and he couldn't get enough days off to make the trip. But I'm off on Saturday night, so Sophie and I are definitely gonna do a night out on the town. I'm really hoping Law School will join us. Sophie wants to meet him. And there will probably be a group of us. Then on the 23rd, I'm hosting a small Christmas/Late Birthday Party for Sophie at my place. We invited some of her friends, and some of mine. As of right now, it's looking like more of her friends are gonna be there, cuz all of mine are going out of town. :/ Oh well. It will still be fun! We're gonna watch Elf and play games. Maybe I should include a White Elephant, since that was so much fun last night! Except, I don't think we'll do a sex toy version. Lol. It's looking like I'm gonna have a busy week!