Friday, January 1, 2010

The Dime: 20twentyten10

So I was right to be pissed, because apparently his marriage wasn't the only thing he was keeping from me. This is the last email he sent me:


Thank you for the email. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm saddened by what I've done to make you believe I can't be trusted, or that everything you know about me is based on half truths. Here it is, my story...

I met Britney (my ex) 6 years ago while out with a bunch of friends in San Diego; she was our waitress at a restaurant/bar. She was finishing up school and I was fresh off a two month stint at sea (oil tanker). She was one of the coolest girls I had ever met...snowboarded, surfed, mountain biked, quoted funny movies, etc. However, what was lacking was a strong physical attraction, which I discredited as superficial and unimportant (I was wrong). We dated for three years and decided to get married in 2006. The key word there is "decided." Another lesson I had to learn the hard way. It was an ultimatum she had given me that I approached from a pros and cons standpoint, something I thought was logical and made sense; once again, not something I will ever do again. Our marriage, in fact our entire relationship, was based on a strong friendship, which is usually a good thing, as long as you're intimate as well. We were not. She was my best friend/sister, and that's how I treated her. To put things in perspective, in our three years of marriage we had sex probably a grand total of 20 times (and that's rounding up). About a year ago we had a son, and I decided to leave my life at sea and officially settle down. I took a job at [oil company's] headquarters in Houston, and we left our life in San Diego. The move to Texas was tough for both of us, but more so for her. I was traveling a lot and she felt isolated, away from family and friends. She started traveling back to California, for one month stints, and our relationship started to spiral out of control. I resented her for leaving all the time and she resented me for traveling and not taking all my vacation time. Then, while she was away in California for a month, I cheated on her.

Any excuse I give to why I did it or the circumstances under which it happened would only cheapen my deep remorse and sincerity for it ever happening. It was a cowardly and selfish act on my part and proved to be the final straw in our relationship. Do I think our marriage would have survived had I not done that? No. But I could have, and should have, handled it differently. The saddest part is that a child is involved; the sweetest, most precious, beautiful boy in the world has to suffer because of me. The divorce was very cordial, and I credit Britney with that. She could have handled it differently. We went to a mediator and had the papers drawn up...no court battles with attorneys, just a simple exchange of hands. She moved back to California and took our son and our dog with her. I fly to California as often as possible to see him.

There is a permanent tear in my heart because of what I've done and the hurt I have caused to both her and my son. I miss him immensely and love him with all my heart. When I was at your bar, the night I met you, I wasn't there to meet anyone, but I guess that's how it happens. I've learned so much about myself and what I need to do and how to act in order to have a healthy and loving relationship. That unfortunately was not the case when I met Brit, and most likely would not have been realized had I not gone through the pain I just went through (and caused).

That Peyton, is the weight in my back pack, and I'm so sorry you had to read about it in an email. It's emotional baggage that I am very ashamed of, and hard for me to share. But please believe me when I say I am doing everything I can to be a much better person, so that I never hurt anyone like this ever again. If I never hear from you again, I understand. I'm sorry.


That's touching and all, but kids are something you have to be up front about from the beginning. For some people, that's a major deal breaker, and you have to be fair, and honest about something that serious. Also, why would you want to keep your kid a secret? I mean, most people I know who have kids can't wait to talk about them! And I think that is just...weird. So, anyway, I doubt that I will be continuing to talk to Cali anymore after that revelation.

So, now onto New Year's Eve!
Well I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely hungover! Lol. I had so much fun last night though! I got tons of compliments on my dress, and nobody had one even sort of like it! I got to hang out with all my friends, be carefree, and I even kissed a boy at midnight! His name was Ross and he was only 22, but very sweet. That is, until he got wasted and started following me around everywhere. At one point, he put his arm around my neck from behind me, and then proceeded to fall down, almost taking me with him. Everyone was going, "Omg are you ok??" Because he practically choked me in the process. But...oh well. I probably won't ever see him again. It was just one of those situations where everyone around us was kissing, and we both just looked at each other and kind of shrugged like, What the hell? ya know, and so we kissed. But it was innocent, and fun! And that was before he was wasted!
Also, I got a text from Law School last night! Here's our conversation...

LS: So the word on the street is that you look super sexy tonight.
Me: Word on the street, huh? Who told you that?
LS: Can't teelll you! But that is the word on the street.
Me: I think you're just making that up cuz you KNOW I look good!
LS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha... love you too Peyton.
Me: lol, so how's it up North?
LS: It's been really good! I'm actually in Chicago right now...one of my best friends talked me into coming here for NYE.
Me: What!??! Lucky!
LS: Haha...I guess.
Me: I wanna go there soooo bad! My sister lives there now and I've never been.
LS: I love Chicago.
Me: I hate you.
LS: Love you too.

I didn't respond after that. And I do have to say, in Law School's defense, that he doesn't treat me like crap. He's my friend, and a good guy. And I actually know that. I'm not sure where things are headed with us, or even where they stand right now, but he'll be back in 2 days, and hopefully I'll be able to paint a clearer picture soon.

So after we left the bar, we all went back to Ben's house. By we, I mean me, Summer, and Bethany. Then Tug came over and Bethany dumped him. THAT was a bit dramatic... But it was a long time coming. They've been together for 6 years and she was tired of waiting for him. So we decided that when our leases are up, which happens to be next October for both of us, we're gonna move into a house together! I'm excited! I've been wanting to get a house, and have a yard for Jasper to play in, but there's no way I could afford it by myself. So it works out perfectly!
Well, it's back to watching movies and eating junkfood! The perfect medicine for a hangover! :)

Happy New Year everyone!!


Autumn said...

i can't believe that about cali! i could see why bringing that kind of stuff would be up (esp. for the first couple dates), but you are definitely right. he needs to mention the kid thing asap. definite dealbreaker. it seems like this is all new for him though, so maybe he just hasn't found the right way, and unfortunately you were the guinea pig. anyways. glad you had a good night! happy new year!

A guys point of view.. said...

Ok, so I am writing this for my guy friend. I read your blog and he kind of went thru the same thing. Except, of course, he was the guy with the kid and wanted to give you his point of view. Here's what he says:
Idk Peyton, some ppl get really turned off to someone if they say the have kids as soon as you meet them. Some ppl, once they hear that, they run and don't take time to get to know the person. Maybe that's what he was afraid of? Maybe he wanted to see how things went before pouring his heart out and telling anyone what he did. Cus really... that is a some emotional baggage there and if someone is only going to stick around for a wk or two, I dk if i'd dump all of that on them. It would probably scare them away. Or concoct some preconceived notion of who I really am by what I did in my past.

Plus, with him being freshly into the dating scene again, he obviously doesn't know the right way or time to tell someone. But I don't think you should completely write him off just because he didn't tell you from the get-go.
What it honestly sounds like, is that he doesn't want to say it outloud. Because when he does, it reminds him of what he did. How he broke up his family and hurt his son. And b/c of his actions, he can no longer see his son as frequently as before. That's really got to hurt, trust me.

Anonymous said...

you changed the background and added new pictures! :)
new year, new posts? ;)

Peyton said...

Yes! I figured it was time for a change. The photos are all women that I admire. Beautiful, strong, talented, successful, NATURAL BODIED women, who aren't afraid to be themselves!