Thursday, January 28, 2010

Have To Know

Well I got several guesses about who Todd is on my last post. And I didn't make any of these comments public. Mainly because I don't want to give the people who aren't trying to guess any ideas, but I don't want the people who are guessing to think that by not posting their comments, I'm confirming their guess is correct. I'm not going to confirm, or deny anything.
But I am going to the Superbowl!! I'm so excited!!! I wish I could tell you guys more, and tell you who I'm rooting for, but I just can't risk it. All you need to know is, I'm super excited!! I've never been to Miami! I leave next Friday after work, and I'm coming back Tuesday. Todd called me last night, and was like, "Make sure you stay till at least Monday cuz there's gonna be a ridiculous party at the hotel after the game!"
And of course, I will be there! I asked him who else was going, and he said Brendan and Andrew will be there, along with his parents, and his brother, Pete. I love Pete! He's so much fun. And after years of buying him alcohol, he's finally 21 and can party with us! Todd didn't mention if Laura was going though, which I think is weird. Does that mean she's not going?? I'm just going to operate under the assumption that she is going for now, because...I mean why wouldn't she?? The only reason I can think of for her not going is that she's in nursing school, and they have clinicals and she can't miss class. And with the game being on a Sunday night, she would have to head back to Texas right after the game. So who knows?? We'll see I guess.
I really need to get some hot stuff to wear when I'm in Miami. What do people wear there? I don't wanna look ridiculously out of place. I mean, I know it's like a party town, and definitely a bit more glitzy than Houston, but they have the same weather as us, so most of the stuff I have should be fine. But I still wanna get at least one new dress. I'm gonna look today after work. I was supposed to hang out with Taryn, but then Bethany texted me at 1:30am, saying she took the night off so "we can do something!" and I've suddenly lost my urge to go out. Plus, I really need to save $. My Superbowl ticket costs 500 bucks. Not exactly loose change... So aside from a new dress, I don't wanna be frivolous with my money this week. Maybe I'll just make up some excuse about being too tired, or not feeling good or something. ((sigh)) I woke up late this morning, and I look like ass anyways, so it's not like I can meet Taryn for Happy Hour like we'd planned anyway. I would have to go home and shower, etc... And I just don't feel like it.

So for the past few days, I keep replaying this conversation in my head that Melissa and I had a couple weeks ago. We were eating breakfast in a cafe, the morning after Todd's playoff game, and we were talking about Todd, and she said, "Are you in love with him?"
And I just stared at her, and my throat constricted, and I...I didn't know what to say. It was weird, I mean my eyes even started to water, and I have NO IDEA why. But I had to collect my thoughts and myself before I could answer. And I avoided her eyes and gave her some nonchalant answer, like, "How can you know you're in love with someone you've never even kissed?"
But the way she looked at me it was like she already knew the answer to that question, she just wanted me to say it.
Sometimes Melissa is alarmingly perceptive. ((Sigh))

I don't know how to classify my feelings for Todd. They're just so...mixed up. I mean, I've known him practically my entire life. He's always been there. He's my best friend. I remember when he was in first grade, with huge glasses, buck teeth, and the highest singing voice in the children's church choir. And I remember in high school, when he was 5 feet tall, shorter than me! And scrawny, and dorky, and he was like this cute little kid that would follow me around. Not that I was anyone to be admired. I was just as big of a dork back then as he was.
But then he changed. We changed. He started to grow up, got his first girlfriend. And I was really happy for him. And I was engaged at the time, and the 4 of us would hang out together at his parents house, play pool, go swimming. Then I went away to school, became single again, he went away to school, started going out with Laura. I went through asshole after asshole, and every time I would go home for the holidays, and see Todd, and he was like a breath of fresh air. Same morals, same innocent, bright outlook. And I would talk to him about my latest guy, latest party, and ask him about his life. And he would tell me about his girlfriend, and talk about football. We could talk about anything, just like best friends do.
And then before I knew it, he was...he was this man! Tall, handsome, broad shouldered... The kind of man you look at and say to yourself, "As soon as I get over my bad boy phase, I'll find a guy like him. And we'll get married and have a family."
The kind of man that every girl's mother wishes she would marry. The kind of man that every girl's father respects and trusts. The kind of man who is selfless, and kind, and warm. The best kind of man. The best kind of friend.
And when I realized this, it was just so...sudden. I mean all those years I knew him, and I watched him grow into this man, but I just never thought...
Until it occurred to me one day, that he is everything I have always wanted. And yet, he's still all of those things that he was. Dorky, little, naive, scrawny, and admiring. He just grew up.
Now that he's in the NFL it's almost harder. Because he has so many more things for people to covet. Fame and money... But I don't really care about those so much. I mean it's cool, don't get me wrong. But it's almost like an elephant in the room. The room, being our friendship. Because I feel like...like I don't want him to think I'm like that. I hope he knows. But even asking him for a Superbowl ticket, I feel kind of guilty. And if he and Laura do break up in the off season, what then???
If I pursue him, will he think I'm only doing it because of what he's become??
And what if I don't pursue him? Will I miss out on my chance?
What if he and Laura don't break up at all??

I just...I have to know. I have to know what this is. What I'm feeling. Am I in love with Todd??


K said...

I think you know the answer to that. I could see and feel the love you have for him when I read what you wrote about the kind of person he is. What's not to love? He sounds incredible.
I think at some point (when he's not with Laura) you will have to tell him how you feel. And if you do, you need to definitely wait a few months for the Super Bowl furor to die down. And I don't think he'll think you only want him because he's famous now. In fact, I think you should somehow share with him what you wrote. If he reads that (obviously not on here, but in a card maybe) he'll know it's not about the fame.

And I wish everyone would stop trying to guess his identity! I really don't want you to stop blogging. Who cares who he is??? I know what team he's on, but there are alot of players on a team. LOL! I couldn't begin to figure out who he was. Oh well...

Good luck, girl!

Anonymous said...

I'd say you love and respect "Todd" as a friend, you have a lot of history with him, AND you have a big crush on him. I wouldn't say that all these things together make you "in love" with him, though. There are a lot of circumstances to contribute to your feelings, i.e. right now you are single, he is a big football stud which is exciting, etc. etc. Not to diminish your friendship or anything, but I think it can heighten feelings.

Definitely you should keep being friends with him, keep supporting him, and being there for him. You never know, this could turn into something amazing. BUT I think it would be a HUGE mistake to let him know you have feelings for him. I think you should wait it out, and let him be the one to make the first move. In the meanwhile, keep focusing on you and meeting new people (while still being his friends).

Right now, you might be setting yourself up for more hearbreak. It's hard to say for sure, but he does have a gf and a very busy schedule. And if you guys were going to make that step, and you have known each other your whole lives, it might have already come up by now?

Anonymous said...

Oh I definitely think you're in love with Todd, I think that has been clear in previous posts before this one. But when it's a friend, those realizations are always slow and hard to come to terms with.

Now in terms of what to wear in Miami, my parents have a house there and I go all the time and let me just tell you nothing you wear will ever be too short or too slutty, guaranteed! I've always worn my most daring outfits there so go wild! And enjoy the Super Bowl!


Anonymous said...

You tell him everything you just said in this post (it says it all about him). If they are broken up what you just said here (it's right in your face). Don't mean that bad!

Who care if we guess. You talk about it all the time. Curiousity always kills the cat. Some are just curious. In future if you don't want your readers to ask questions, then don't say anything about a subject you don't want to answer.

As you say, you like straight up and honest, and this is straight up and honest too.

HAVE FUN!!!!!!!! You're gonna have a blast. It will be fun here to look around the stadium and say "wow someone we read about is there". That is awesome!!