Sunday, March 15, 2015

Every day I feel myself drifting further and further away from myself. Away from my life as I knew it in general. I prefer to be alone most of the time. Communicating with people, even just on this level, has begun to feel like a chore. It's not that I prefer my own company, because I find even that quite disappointing these days. I just can't seem to muster up the desire to go outside myself. To go outside my house even. My job is a relatively solitary one. The days pass in a blur of strangers' faces. Sometimes it's almost like I'm in a foreign country, where I can't talk to anyone else because I'm the only one who doesn't speak the native language. So I barely acknowledge these strangers, and they might notice me and offer a greeting, but it never extends beyond that.
My friend Amanda came to visit from Chicago this week. Even though I've never really considered her a good friend, and I know that we get along best when we don't spend lots of consecutive time together, I found myself picking her apart and constantly annoyed by her presence in my house. She eats so much, and constantly. She doesn't brush her teeth at night. She never seemed to get my hints when I wanted to just be left alone. Her singing was constant, and fucking awful. I would rather drive in silence than be forced to listen to her sing off-key. She disrupted my routine, and left her coffee cup in the living room, and didn't put her plates in the dishwasher, and left doors open and lights on. I was so relieved when I finally dropped her at the airport, I literally cried. I felt like I'd been holding it in the whole time she was here.
My grandpa died two weeks ago, and at first I welcomed the grief and sadness, because why not? But now I feel like it has snowballed, and it's threatening to completely consume me. My dissatisfaction with my life, the stress of drowning in debt from student loans, and living paycheck to paycheck, the thought of another year of being single (2014 made 6), my loneliness, and yet my unwillingness to be around people... I feel like all I want is to just be left alone, but when presented with that thought, I get this overwhelming sense of despair. The only reason I'm writing this is because I have no one else to tell.