Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Memorial Day

I've hardly seen Daniel at all the past couple days because his dad is in town, and has been staying with him, and he has his daughter till Wednesday! I miss him. :(
But I did go to dinner with Daniel, Delilah (his daughter), his dad and his dad's girlfriend, and Alyssa and Russ last night. And when Alyssa and Daniel invited me, I didn't really think twice about it at first. But when I was driving to the restaurant I had a mini panic attack because I realized about I was about to sit down to dinner with practically my boyfriend's entire family! And I've never actually hung out with Daniel and Delilah, and I've never pushed the issue because...well I dunno. I've never dated a guy with a kid before! And she's only 4, so I don't wanna make it weird, or uncomfortable for her, ya know?
It turned out to be fine, of course, because I had Alyssa and Russ there as kind of a buffer. And plus, I don't even think their dad knows about Daniel and I! I mean I've met him several times before, but just as Alyssa's good friend. So...I dunno. ((sigh))
Anyways, today I went out to Lake Conroe with pretty much everyone from work! Mr. P. has a super badass lake house, with all the trimmings, and we were out on the boat pretty much all day. And I got some excellent sun and some great pictures! Bethany and Tugg and I all drove up together, and now I'm just exhausted! I was really hoping to see Daniel when I got back but...I didn't really have any way of getting hold of him, and plus, he still has Delilah so...I guess I'll just see him tomorrow or Wednesday.
Speaking of which, I'm really nervous about cooking him dinner Wednesday night! I mean it's my favorite recipe for Italian cream sauce, and I've made it several times, but it's been over a year! So I'm afraid I might be a little rusty. And I've decided to add sundried tomatoes to it, because I love sundried tomatoes, and I think it will be a nice twist. Now I'm just online looking up recipes for desserts. Lol. Cannoli's are just gonna be too much work after everything else, so I need something quick and simple. Maybe I'll just pick up some icecream. Lol.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

I Love...Cake?

Let me just start out by saying THANK YOU ALL for the birthday wishes! I had a great birthday! :) Now, onto the blogging...

The other night, Daniel and I were...well you know! And right in the middle of it, he says, "Peyton...I love you."
He hadn't said it since that one night in the drive thru. And again, I was so shocked, I didn't really know what to say!
1) Because we were kind of in the heat of the moment, if you know what I mean, so I wasn't sure if he actually meant it, or if he just blurted it out. And
2) I just think it's too soon for him to actually be in love with me! I mean...yea, it's been a couple of months, but still. Infatuation does not equal love. And passion does not equal love.
So all these things were racing through my mind, and then Daniel yanks me back into reality.
"Peyton. Tell me you love me." He says, almost urgently. I froze.
"I...I can't!" I said.
He immediately stopped and rolled over.
"Wait...Daniel. I'm sorry it's just...so soon. And I'm afraid."
He sighed. I could tell he was really upset. He refused to look at me.
"Are you upset?" I asked.
"No...it's fine." He said quietly.
We lie there in silence for a while. I could tell that he felt embarrassed, and hurt, but I didn't know what to do! I mean you can't just demand that someone tell you they love you for the first time. And I mean...I'm afraid as soon as I tell him I love him, as soon as it's out there, then he has me! And it'll be just like last time, and he'll leave.
The crazy thing is, for the past few days I've been thinking that I am falling in love with him. But every time that thought crosses my mind, I tell myself I'm being ridiculous and talk myself out of it. I mean there's no way you can fall in love with someone that quickly! Love is not a fleeting thing. It's...true, and pure, and unconditional. And right now, I don't think either of us are capable of feeling so deeply for one another. I mean, don't get me wrong, I care about him a lot. And the feelings I feel for him are the strongest I've felt in a really, really long time. I would do anything for him! And I don't want to be without him.
I'm just scared of losing him. And I'm still trying to figure him out. Like...what are his true intentions? Does he just really like the chase? I don't know! I mean his track record isn't exactly rave material, but I also don't think it's fair to judge him based on his past. I mean, I wouldn't want him to judge me. ((sigh))
After that night, he didn't bring it up again, and neither did I. But last night, we were just laying in bed, talking. About everything! And I was venting to him about my living situation, and my parents; I've been looking at apartments and really budgeting lately. And you know what he said to me??
He said he would help me find an apartment, and that if my parents are stressing me out, I'm more than welcome to spend as much time as I want at his place, and I can bring some stuff over there!
Maybe he didn't think it was a big deal, but when he said that, my heart totally skipped a beat. Me bringing stuff over there means he intends to stick around, with some degree of permanence. And I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. How happy he makes me.
Wednesday night I'm cooking him dinner. Pasta with my homemade Italian garlic cream sauce. Anybody have any side dish suggestions? You know, besides bread and salad? I really want this to be perfect! I'm also going to need a good bottle of red wine...

Thursday, May 22, 2008


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Out From Under

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I've been in a very dark place...
And I'm almost embarrassed to say it was mostly because I missed Daniel. I'm not gonna go into detail about it, but we broke up over the stupidest, pettiest misunderstanding, and I couldn't stop beating myself up about it. But Melissa gave me some excellent advice on how to handle the situation, and now we're back together! I never realized how much work it is playing hard to get. He would e-mail me, and I wasn't allowed to respond! I mean there were so many things I wanted to tell him, but Melissa told me not to write him. I had to give him some time to miss me. And it worked!
He invited me to his birthday dinner, and I told him I'd try to make it. Of course I had to get an outfit and everything, because I was definitely gonna be there! And dinner was a little awkward at first... Alyssa and her boyfriend, Russ, were there, and Jenna was there, so I had moral support, which was nice. And I kept catching him staring at me from across the room. Then after dinner, we went to Zeppelin, and he came up to me and asked why I had been ignoring his e-mails, and why I hated him. To which I responded I definitely didn't hate him. And he told me he missed me a lot, and his sheets still smelled like me, and he couldn't bring himself to change them. ((sigh)) And the rest is history...
It almost seems like it's too good to be true, but it just feels so right. I mean it's been so long since I've really, genuinely cared about some one so much.
My friend is out of the hospital too, and I did get to spend some quality time with him, so that was nice.
Yesterday was Daniel's birthday and we spent the whole day together. We went to the baseball game, and then went out for drinks afterwards. And while we were on our way to hitting the drive thru, he told me he loved me. Yea, I know, shocker! But all I could do was grin stupidly, and think about how glad I am that we resolved everything and are giving things another shot. ((sigh))
For all you readers this probably seems like a lot to take in, or maybe that I'm jumping the gun. But keep in mind, all this has happened over a period of almost 2 months. I just haven't been very good about keeping you all updated lately.
I just can't believe how much lighter I feel now that I have Daniel back. This morning, I was having a really bad dream. I had driven my car off a bridge (not on purpose!) and I was drowning. And then Daniel shook me awake.
"Wake up! You have to wake up!" He whispered urgently.
"Why?" I asked groggily.
"Were you having a bad dream?" He asked.
"Yea...how did you know?"
"You were shaking. I could just tell you were having a bad dream, so I had to wake you up." He said, and he pulled me close to him, and I fell back asleep in his arms, to much happier dreams.

And what's so weird about that, is that it is so all-encompassingly analogous to everything that's been going on in my life lately. It was like a nightmare. Like I was drowning. And he pulled me out. :)

I am completely falling, head over heels for this guy.

Thursday, May 8, 2008


I really feel like someone out in the cosmos is trying to test me this week. To see how far they can bend me before I break.

Friday I got into a ridiculous argument with Daniel, and went home feeling like crap. I hardly slept at all that night, only to wake up knowing what I would have to face the next day.

Saturday I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. My horse. I know to all you who are reading, that may seem silly, but I loved Mister with all my heart. I just couldn't afford to keep him. So I had to sell him. As soon as I got home from the barn, I collapsed into tears while in my closet looking for a pair of shoes. I still haven't been able to bring myself to cash the check.

Sunday I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. And it was another night of restless sleep.

Monday I got an email from Daniel, pretty much saying I'm a crappy person. That just made my day. But I kept telling myself it would be ok. I would be ok. And it was starting to work.

By Tuesday I was getting over it.

Then Wednesday evening I get a phone call, and it takes Daniel 30 minutes to tell me how much he cares about me BUT, apparently I'm not worth trying to make it work. So much for getting over it. And you know what? Right now I just feel so worn down, and so...driven into the ground, that I don't even care about trying to pretend it doesn't hurt. Because it does. A lot more than I had imagined it could.

Why can't people ever just say what they really mean? What they really feel? Why does it seem like it always takes me so long just to get to the bottom of it, to get the the real truth? Why do people have to wear masks? Masks of sympathy, masks of sorrow, masks of concern, masks of regret... Don't bother. Just fucking say it.

Wednesday night, I get another phone call. One of my best friends is in the hospital. He had a heart attack. And he's 26 years old. My stomach flew up into my throat as soon as I heard. And I can't even go visit him tomorrow because he's in ICU, and they have really limited visitation hours, and I have to go to stupid fucking Huntsville for a court date tomorrow. What kind of friend am I if I can't even go see my best friend in the hospital??

As soon as I came home I played the piano. For about an hour. It seems to be the only thing that calms me down, without distracting me from what's really going on. I just play what I'm feeling. And then I just cried. Because...this can't be happening...

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to form
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling

Spin me round again
And rub my eyes,
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads - heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines, oh, you won't catch me around here
Blood and tears (hearts)
They were here first

Whacha say,
That you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Whatcha say,
That its all for the best?
Because it is

Whatcha say?
That it's just what we need
You decided this
Whatcha say?
What did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

Oh no, you don't care a bit
Oh no, you don't care a bit
Oh no, you don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit