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Thursday, May 8, 2008

Masks

I really feel like someone out in the cosmos is trying to test me this week. To see how far they can bend me before I break.

Friday I got into a ridiculous argument with Daniel, and went home feeling like crap. I hardly slept at all that night, only to wake up knowing what I would have to face the next day.

Saturday I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. My horse. I know to all you who are reading, that may seem silly, but I loved Mister with all my heart. I just couldn't afford to keep him. So I had to sell him. As soon as I got home from the barn, I collapsed into tears while in my closet looking for a pair of shoes. I still haven't been able to bring myself to cash the check.

Sunday I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. And it was another night of restless sleep.

Monday I got an email from Daniel, pretty much saying I'm a crappy person. That just made my day. But I kept telling myself it would be ok. I would be ok. And it was starting to work.

By Tuesday I was getting over it.

Then Wednesday evening I get a phone call, and it takes Daniel 30 minutes to tell me how much he cares about me BUT, apparently I'm not worth trying to make it work. So much for getting over it. And you know what? Right now I just feel so worn down, and so...driven into the ground, that I don't even care about trying to pretend it doesn't hurt. Because it does. A lot more than I had imagined it could.

Why can't people ever just say what they really mean? What they really feel? Why does it seem like it always takes me so long just to get to the bottom of it, to get the the real truth? Why do people have to wear masks? Masks of sympathy, masks of sorrow, masks of concern, masks of regret... Don't bother. Just fucking say it.

Wednesday night, I get another phone call. One of my best friends is in the hospital. He had a heart attack. And he's 26 years old. My stomach flew up into my throat as soon as I heard. And I can't even go visit him tomorrow because he's in ICU, and they have really limited visitation hours, and I have to go to stupid fucking Huntsville for a court date tomorrow. What kind of friend am I if I can't even go see my best friend in the hospital??

As soon as I came home I played the piano. For about an hour. It seems to be the only thing that calms me down, without distracting me from what's really going on. I just play what I'm feeling. And then I just cried. Because...this can't be happening...

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to form
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling

Spin me round again
And rub my eyes,
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads - heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines, oh, you won't catch me around here
Blood and tears (hearts)
They were here first

Whacha say,
That you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Whatcha say,
That its all for the best?
Because it is

Whatcha say?
That it's just what we need
You decided this
Whatcha say?
What did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

Oh no, you don't care a bit
Oh no, you don't care a bit
Oh no, you don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit

15 comments:

Laura said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this... It does seem like the end of the world sometimes. I had to sell my horse in January and I still can't talk about it without crying- I got her when she was four and a half months old, so she was my girl... It'll get better, it always does.

Jadeny said...

Oh man girl that is quite a week. I will keep my fingers crossed that things turn up for you soon. Until then, Imogen Heap is defintiely a good way to vent.

Jadeny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kali said...

This will get better, I know it doesn't feel like it now but they will. You know what they say, when it rains it pours! I feel like I am in the same boat that you are, but the things that are going wrong in my life are quite a bit different than yours. Just try to take things one day at a time. Things will get better, they have to.

Anonymous said...

ohhh no that sounds like a horrible horrible past few days??

too many things happening in such a short period of time.......sort thru one thing at a time...it is all you can do.....

wish i had more to offer you.....

perhaps after some time has passed for you to deal with all of this then you and daniel can talk and sort out the fight...without the details it is hard to really comment, but perhaps the end result isnt final, but you cant sort thru it right now since you have so much going on....

time......

Just me said...

So are yall broken up? What happened?

I'm sorry that things are going too well for you sweetie!

DDgirl said...

awwwwwwwww sorry for you Peyton!

cxy650 said...

Wow
That was a complete surprise for me!!
It looked like you guys had made up from before.
I hope he realizes his mistake!

Anonymous said...

wow.............I am so sorry for you!!! Keep your chin up sweetie.....we're all rooting for you here!!

Anonymous said...

They always say things comes in threes. When things happen to me it always is in threes. Ugggg.

Hope you are feeling better and write soon!

Bless you hun..

Just me said...

Are you ok hun?

*Amber* said...

Hope things are going better this week. :(

DDgirl said...

sorry for you Peyton...
take care

DDgirl

Anonymous said...

where have you gone peyton?

Anonymous said...

I hope you're feeling better. Post soon. :)