Thursday, December 31, 2009


Last night I had 2 really strange dreams...
First, I dreamed I lived in an apartment, right across from Law School. And I was playing with Jasper in the living room of my apartment, and I happened to notice Law School, through the window of his apartment. My blinds were halfway drawn, so he couldn't really see me, unless he was really looking. So I peaked through the blinds to see what he was doing, and there was a girl there! She had long, dark brown hair, and she would have been pretty, except that she had a really long, prominent nose. And she was wearing his shirt...and that's it. And they were flirting or whatever, and I just...couldn't take my eyes away from the window! I don't know why. And then he saw me! And he kinda waved, and I just pretended I was picking something up off the floor (Jasper's ball) and I kinda waved back. Then I left the window and went back to playing with Jasper, and suddenly, they were both in my living room. I don't know why, or how they got there, but that's dreams for ya! So anyways, I can't remember why they were there. I think I had something of his, maybe? But I was pissed, because here he was, the guy I like, with some chick, that he'd obviously just had sex with, in my living room! So I was kind of short with them. He made some blithe comment about them having sex, and I said, "Yea, I could feel the walls vibrating. Now both of you, out! I have to practice piano." And they scooted as I shooed them, and then I sat down at the piano and began playing a very melancholy song.

In my second dream, it was New Year's Eve, and I was at the club, with this guy, I have no idea who! He doesn't exist in real life, but I knew him in this dream. And the night started out kind of fun, and then before I knew it, I was sitting at the bar alone, wondering where all my friends were, and it was 11:48. Almost midnight. And I had this sudden sense of urgency, "Oh no! I have to get out of here! I have go to my bar, and kiss...kiss who?? I have no one to kiss!"
And then that strange guy that I was with, was suddenly sitting next to me, and then we were kissing. But I didn't really wanna kiss him, I just did, because he kissed me. Ugh... It was horrible.

Gee, I wonder what those 2 dreams mean??? It's so weird how dreams are such pure reflections of our thoughts. Anyways, Cali called me 3 times yesterday, and sent me a text, asking me if he was "in the dog house". I just didn't feel like talking to him. I needed time to process, and absorb, ya know? So I didn't respond. But by the time I got in bed last night, I decided I wasn't upset anymore. I mean, I understand how it can be hard to talk about something like that, and I know he wasn't trying to deceive me or anything it's just... I have lots of ex boyfriends, ok?? There's no reason for me to talk about any of them, because clearly they weren't for me! But I don't have any ex-husbands! I didn't make any lifetime commitments to anyone, or possibly have any children! But he did. And I don't think you can really compare a marriage to just a relationship, because it's so much more profound than that. But whatever, I'm over it now. When I got to work this morning, I had an email from him. This is what it said:


It's obvious that I've upset you, and my guess is that it's because I didn't tell you I was divorced. I'm sorry. In about a week from now you'll have forgotten all about me, and I just want you to know that I never intended to be deceptive, nor did I have any ulterior motives or bad intentions. I really liked you and I wanted to tell you when I thought it was right. It's apparent to me now that I should have said something earlier. I truly am sorry.
Take care Peyton, and I wish you all the best in 2010.

Kindest Regards,


Kindest regards??? Who says that?? ((sigh)) Well anyways, I wrote him back. And this is what I said:

Obviously, you're pretty good at making assumptions, but before you go off thinking that I hate you and never wanna talk to you again, let me just explain where I'm coming from.
I didn't feel like talking to you yesterday, because I needed some time to process that information, and I was afraid that if I did talk to you, I might end up saying something smarmy, sarcastic and mean. I mean, you drop a bomb on me, and then just expect me to blithely carry on a conversation with you as though it never happened??
Yea, I'm kinda pissed that you didn't tell me, because you pretty much assumed I would react a certain way, therefore making that decision for me, instead of letting me make the decision to react, however I would have reacted, on my own. You should know that that's not the type of thing you keep from someone you may possibly, eventually have a relationship with. Even if you think you wanna wait and tell them, the more you get to know a person, and the more time you spend with them, the harder it is to tell them, and the easier it is to avoid the subject, and ultimately, someone ends up getting pissed off, or hurt. Obviously, since we both agreed that this didn't seem to be going anywhere, it's not that big of a deal, but I just think you should know that, for future reference.
Also, I kind of feel like everything I thought I knew about you, all the opinions I formed about you, were based on half truths. So I kind of just wanted to think about things, and not deal with any bullshit. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a pretty no nonsense person, and I don't like people hiding things from me. I just put up with too much of that shit in the past.
And I find it hard to believe that you could just be totally over your ex-wife after only 6 months! I mean...I'm just barely over my ex, and we weren't even married.
Now, since I don't know the story, or the circumstances, I'm not going to make any assumptions about it, I just know that divorce can be a very messy, emotional situation. And while I understand you not wanting to tell me that you were married, I still don't agree with it.
I don't think you had bad intentions, or ulterior motives, and I wasn't going to just write you off and never speak to you again. But at this point, I kind of feel like you know a lot about me, and I obviously know nothing about you. So..how does that work?? I guess I'm just frustrated, and I really need a stiff drink.

So, I said my piece! He knows how I feel, and I think I put it pretty diplomatically. ((sigh)) Well, I know he already read it, but he hasn't written back yet. I'm sure he will though. But for now...it's back to work.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Clincher

Well...the date with Cali last night didn't go exactly as I'd hoped. Well, the date itself was fine, but I was hoping it would reassure me about New Year's Eve. But it did just the opposite. And I was up all night panicking, and worrying, and second-guessing myself. So I consulted The Oracle of Izzie this morning about my dilemma, and she suggested I just tell him the truth. That he's nice, and I enjoy his company, but I'm just not...feeling it!
So I waited for him to write me an email, which he did, and then I responded in kind...

Ok, I’ve been mulling this over in my head for the past 12+ hours, and arguing with myself about it. And I know we haven’t had any conversations about this or anything, and I’m not exactly sure what your expectations are, but I really feel like I just need to be up front with you, because I don’t want to mislead you. I like you, and I think you’re a great guy, but I'm not sure I'm ready for what I think you’re looking for, and I don’t want to lead you on. I just… feel like I'm not really ready to date anyone. And that’s the God’s honest truth. I just can’t keep seeing you without letting you know how I feel. I mean, it wasn’t too long ago that I got out of a serious relationship, and right now, the idea of being with someone just kind of freaks me out. Sorry, if that sounds bad, but…I don’t really know how else to put it. I thought that I was ready to date, but I guess I’m just not. Please don't think I went into this with false intentions. I was trying to take things slowly in hopes that something would jump out at me but it still hasn’t, and I wanted to let you know. I know this is horrible timing and I’m really sorry, but I didn’t want to take it any further without being honest with you. If you decide you want to make other plans for new year’s eve, I totally understand, and I won’t be mad or anything. It’s completely up to you.

I sent him that from my work email address, and then forwarded it Izzie, from my private account. When I went back to my private account, I noticed I had a message from Cali, received at almost the exact time I sent him mine! This is what it said:


I just called your cell, but no answer.

I had a good time last night, but I get that feeling we're still testing the waters in terms of where this will go…friends, more than friends, etc.? At least that's how I feel. My point is, if you're not feeling it, and would rather just spend NYE with your friends, I certainly understand. There will be plenty of other times we can hang out and see if there's something there between us;

Let me know...

Apparently, we both had the same thing on our brains, which was kind of a relief. So I wrote him back:

Lol, wow what are the odds. Sorry, I went downstairs with a coworker to let the pizza guy in, and then we were all eating, so I just saw that you called, read your emails, etc… If you call me when I’m still at work, I won’t be able to talk, because there is absolutely no privacy in this office. Lol. But I’m leaving at 4 for sure. As for New Years, you’re still more than welcome to come with us. I mean, it’s gonna be a lot of fun, but if you would rather do something with YOUR friends, that’s totally understandable. I mean, I know you don’t really know any of my friends, and I don’t want you to feel obligated to come. So it’s completely up to you.

Now, here's the clincher. I sat and waited for an hour, for him to return from lunch, wondering if he would still be accompanying me tomorrow or not. Then finally, around 2pm, I got his response...

Hey Peyton,

This is too funny. Both thinking and writing the same thing at the same time! Here are my thoughts: there was an initial attraction, well, let me speak for myself, I know I was definitely attracted to you (and still am - I think you're a beautiful girl). However, it felt like we couldn't get past that point...we never left the starting gate so to speak. It feels like we've been trying to make something work, instead of it just happening, like it should. I don't know, maybe it was the lack of communication, in terms of where this was headed and what each of us expected out of it. I just got out of a serious relationship too. Actually, to be more precise, I was married. That ended about 6 months ago. She moved back to California and I stayed here in Texas - long sad story behind that one. So I'm not looking to jump back into a long term relationship either. I'm still picking up the pieces, doing some self reflection, trying to figure things out, etc. I was certainly going to tell you all this, but it just never felt like the time was right; hopefully that doesn't upset you.
As for new years, I think I'm either going to go to Austin with one of my friends or just hang here with some friends. I'm sure I'd have a great time with you, but it would just be a little weird - if you know what I mean. I really do hope we can stay friends, and I'm very sincere about that. I'm still relatively new to this town, and my friends are mostly limited to the people I work with. Your emails crack me up and I think we've always been able to click in that regard. Which is why I don't understand why we couldn't get off the ground in person? Anyway, I have some cute friends, and perhaps one day when you're ready for a relationship I can introduce you to one of them! ;-) Let's keep in touch, ok? Happy new year Peyton!

WTF?!?! MARRIED?!?! How could he just not tell me something like that!! As soon as I read that, all the blood rushed to my face. I felt like hyperventilating, or crying, or shouting. I felt REALLY REALLY WEIRD. I felt betrayed. I felt like all the opinions I'd formed about him, everything I thought I knew about him, was based on something that was a total lie! Now I'm not sure I ever wanna talk to him again! It's like he just revealed to me that he secretly works for the FBI and his real name is Bob Flannigan!
And it's not that I'm mad that he was married; I'm mad that he didn't tell me. I mean, that's not something you should keep from someone you're dating, even if it is casual. Because eventually, when it becomes serious, it just gets harder and harder to tell that person, and easier and easier to avoid the subject. And ultimately, people end up getting hurt. BAD IDEA. I'm ALWAYS honest with people up front. God, I wonder if he has any kids!! I haven't written him back, and I'm not sure I'm going to. ((Sigh)) I dunno what I'm gonna do.
All I know is, I'm flying solo on New Year's Eve this year.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Omg, I'm starting to get really nervous about New Year's Eve! What if inviting Cali was a bad idea?? What if he's not social enough for me to leave him alone?? What if he doesn't fit in with my friends? What if they don't like him?? I don't wanna have to babysit him all night, cuz when I start drinking, I'm very gregarious. I'm all over the place! Especially when I'm at a bar where I know everyone that works there. ((Sigh)) I really hope this night isn't a total disaster!!
We're supposed to meet over at Ben's house for cocktails at 7:30 and then take a cab to the bar. I got the perfect dress!! It's a plum colored, form fitting sheath, above the knee, with a sweetheart neckline. But then there's this heavily beaded piece that comes up from the middle of the bust, in a straight light, and wraps around the neck. It's so pretty! And different. Nobody will have a dress like mine! It was the only one on the rack at this really obscure boutique I love. I also got the perfect shoes to match! They're a dark, silvery grey, and there's like a small bead type design that comes up the arch and wraps around the ankle. I'll have to post pictures of my outfit later.
Anyways, I have another date with Cali tonight. Dinner and a movie. We're gonna go see Up In The Air. So, maybe I'll feel a little better about NYE after our date tonight.
On Saturday night at work, Brandon spoke to me. For the first time since...well I don't even know. He said, "Hey! How are you?" while we were both in line for the computer. I just said, "Swell!" and went about my business. And then I got to thinking, why can't he and I just be friends? I mean, it feels so weird to just cut someone completely out of my life. He was such a big part of it for a time, he knew me better than anyone, he was like my best friend! And now we don't even speak. And that kind of makes me sad. But then I think, he sure as hell wasn't a very good friend! At least not for the last 2/3rds of our relationship. A friend would never do or say the things to me that he did. But...I don't know. I think it's for the best if things just remain the way they are. It's easier that way. Not thinking about him, I mean. Maybe someday...farther down the road.
Speaking of friends, I'm starting to feel really lonely lately. And really mad, at Bethany in particular. She never calls me anymore, yet she calls me her best friend, but I've practically been replaced, with Summer! And I love Summer and all, but it's like, just because I don't work with them anymore, and I don't have a bartender's lifestyle anymore, I can't hang out with my friends anymore! They never call me, or invite me to do things, and I'm always just...by myself. Lately, I haven't been lonely so much, cuz of the holidays, but now that Sophie's gone, I can already feel things slipping back into their old routine. Summer texted me yesterday, and I mentioned that I never get to see them anymore, and she suggested that me, her and Bethany go to a movie. And I said, sure. Then when I got off work, I texted and called her, and she never answered or responded! I'm gonna be really mad if I find out they went without me and never called. ((Sigh)) I really hope I'm not losing my friends.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas 2009!


Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Well it certainly has been a busy week! Sophie got here on Friday, but I didn't get to see her that night, since I had to work. And Friday was definitely an interesting night...
Cali had promised to stop by the bar and see me, but instead, I got bombarded with drunk texts messages from him, professing his undying love for me and telling me how much he misses me, and how wasted he is. Ugh... Not the biggest turn on. I thought dating an older guy would mean I wouldn't have to put up with that crap! I mean, "I love you love you I love you" may be exactly what a girl wants to hear, but not under those circumstances!
The next day, he texted me several apologies. And apparently, he had also sent a few of those drunk messages to his mortgage loan officer, by mistake. Her name is also Peyton, but spelled "Payton". Even he is not sure how he made that mistake. Still funny though. And well deserved, in my opinion.
So Sophie and I went out Saturday night. I had hoped that Law School would meet up with us, but he had other "commitments" that night. A work party I think. He did text me though, to say he would try to meet up afterwards, but apparently that didn't pan out. Oh well, we still had fun. And I decided to just...stop pursuing or entertaining any ideas with Law School all together. Because 1) He's not going anywhere, and I have enough stress with holidays as it is, and 2) If we have chemistry, then he knows it, and he can't deny it.
We did end up seeing Cali on Saturday night though. After his series of apologies, he had texted me saying he'd like to meet up just for one drink, to say hi and meet my sister. So I decided I'd allow it, despite my new confusing feelings about him, and he met us at the first bar. Sophie thinks he's super hot and nice and that I should go for him, despite his drunken debauchery. She also pointed out that he's successful, and thoughtful, and he listens to what I say. He actually bought me The Hangover on DVD because I'd mentioned I really wanted to get it. Melissa agrees with Sophie. ((Sigh)) So that definitely gave me some food for thought. So Sunday, Sophie and I hung around the apartment, did a little Christmas shopping and watched The Hangover.
Monday after work, my mom and Sophie came over and we went out to eat for Sophie's birthday. Then yesterday, we all went over to my aunts house to visit with family. That was really fun. I have 2 twin cousins who just turned 17, and another 18 year old cousin, with a baby! See the Peyton Family Tree if you want more details. Quite the family we have... But they're all so much fun to hang out with.
So I left my aunts around 9pm, since I was getting a little tired, and I knew I had about a 30 minute drive ahead of me. And as I was driving home, guess who calls??
Law School.
I answered with some trepidation, but I figured, he must be calling for some particular reason. And after a minute of small talk and "how are you"s, I figured he'd get down to it. But he didn't! Apparently, he just called to ask about my weekend. Hmmm...
So we talked for about 20 minutes. He's leaving tomorrow at 6:30am to go back East for Christmas and he won't be back till January 3rd. So there goes all my pipe dreams about kissing him at midnight. Oh well. Actually, I'm kind of relieved, because that's just one less thing for me to stress out about this New Years Eve. And now that I know what he's doing, I was finally able to decide on my plans for NYE! I got a text from Summer late last night, begging me to take off NYE so I could hang out with her, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Ben and Michael had told me Saturday night that they bought 20 tickets, and reserved a table at our bar on Washington for NYE. So I'm gonna go. And I think I'm gonna invite Cali. He mentioned that he didn't have any definite plans yet for New Year's, and I don't wanna be a 3rd wheel, so what the hell! And even though this pretty much guarantees a kiss, I think it will be fun. And a little alcohol can't hurt the situation, right? And when I say a little, I mean a little. Not copious amounts. NOT doing that again. And hopefully, neither is Cali!
Tonight is the party I'm throwing for Sophie's party. It's gonna be mostly her friends, but hopefully a few of mine will show up, since I promised games, alcohol, and white elephant. I'm gonna be super busy cleaning and setting up as soon as I get home, but I'm looking forward to it!
So I've made all my decisions, and made all my plans, and I feel pretty good about them. In fact, I feel pretty good about everything right now. My life, in general, seems to be at peace. I'm content. Maybe not blissful, but content. And that's good enough for me right now.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


White Elephant Sex Toy Christmas Cocktail Party!
Last night was an absolute success! I met Law School at his place, and he drove us to the party. I wore a strapless black cocktail dress, very classic, and simple, with red pumps, to be festive. We were a bit late to the party, but we got there at just the right time. I introduced Law School around to the people he hadn't met before, and we helped ourselves to drinks. Mark and some of the other guys were watching the football game in the living room, so Law School kind of drifted in that direction shortly after we got there. He made a really great party date, because he mingles and makes friends easily, so I didn't have to babysit him. There were lots of people there, Bethany, Tugg, Summer and Ben, of course, Tara and Hot Dereck, Mark, JC, and Ali and Taryn, and their dates, and some of Ben's friends from work, that I didn't know. But everyone was really nice. We waited till everyone was a little bit sauced before we began the White Elephant game. I, myself, brought nipple tassels, anal beads, and a Santa Clause banana hammock. Lol. Tara ended up picking my gift, and she immediately put the nipple tassels on, on the outside of her shirt! Dereck put the thong on too. They looked so funny!
The game was hilarious! Someone brought a powerdrill, with a giant dildo on the end of it. Ben picked that as his gift, and he got a huge kick out of it! There was also a "life-like" vagina, several vibrators, a lovers game, and a pool float with a life sized naked woman on it. Haha. I ended up leaving with some fuzzy, purple handcuffs, flavored lube and some Naughty Christmas Coupons. So...not bad, I don't think. Poor Law School got a pocket rocket! I have no idea what he's gonna do with that! Haha.
There were definitely lots of laughs during the game. And then of course, we all took some celebratory shots afterwards. There were 8 bartenders in attendance, so naturally we had a great liquor selection. Around 11:45, I figured it was time to get going. Both Law School and I had work in the morning. So we said our thank yous and goodbyes and headed out. He opened the door to the car for me and I got in. We chatted on the way back to his place. And then he walked me to my car. We were still deep in conversation about Wedding Crashers vs. The Hangover. Lol. Then I got in my car, and thanked him for coming.
"Well, I don't wanna get you sick..." He said, and kissed me on the cheek.
Poor guy was sneezing all night. Lol.
Then we said goodnight, and I left! All in all, it was a good night. I mean, it wasn't awkward, and we both had fun. And I know the kiss on the cheek had to mean something, because he's never done that before when we've hung out just as friends. When I got home I sent him a text message.
Me: Sorry if I kept you out too late.
LS: Don't apologize when you didn't do anything wrong!!! :)
Me: Ok then I'm not sorry!!
LS: That's better.
Me: Lol ok. Well thanks for coming.
LS: Sure, anytime...thanks for inviting me... I would have been a lot more fun if I wasn't fighting the sneezes and sniffles.
LS: I'll talk to you soon.
Me: Ok goodnight.
LS: Later skater ;) ---------- He is a huge dork. Lol.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day! It's the weirdest thing. Because I mean...we're friends! Lol, and even though I've always thought of him as a possibility, I just never really entertained that possibility, until now! So it's kind of strange. I'm definitely in foreign territory here. I've never tried to date one of my friends. At least, not successfully. I mean...I sort of tried with Todd, just by telling him my feelings, but he has a girlfriend, so that obviously didn't work out. And then there was that incident with Evan. But I never wanted to date him! So this is different. Because I actually like Law School. And I actually think this could work. We have a pretty solid friendship. I mean, we've known each other, what? 6 months? And our relationship has been completely platonic. And we've had serious conversations about our past relationships, and our families, and values, and opinions, etc. So I feel like I do know enough about him to make an informed decision, for once. But there's just so much grey area. And I can tell that this is the kind of situation that will require lots of communication, in order to keep things from getting confusing. But for now, I'm just gonna let him come to me. He still owes me dinner! And he said, "Talk to you soon." so...that means he's gonna call, right?

Sophie will be here this Friday! I can't wait! She and I have a lot of things planned. Unfortunately, Brent couldn't make it down, because he just got a promotion at his job, and he couldn't get enough days off to make the trip. But I'm off on Saturday night, so Sophie and I are definitely gonna do a night out on the town. I'm really hoping Law School will join us. Sophie wants to meet him. And there will probably be a group of us. Then on the 23rd, I'm hosting a small Christmas/Late Birthday Party for Sophie at my place. We invited some of her friends, and some of mine. As of right now, it's looking like more of her friends are gonna be there, cuz all of mine are going out of town. :/ Oh well. It will still be fun! We're gonna watch Elf and play games. Maybe I should include a White Elephant, since that was so much fun last night! Except, I don't think we'll do a sex toy version. Lol. It's looking like I'm gonna have a busy week!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Turn of Events

After picking up TB from the airport, I didn't really see much of him until last night. I was working, and trying to rest up for Friday night.
So last night I met up with Bethany, Tugg, Ben and Summer for sushi. TB and JC showed up a bit later. I had a couple glasses of wine, and some saki at dinner, so I was feelin' pretty good by the time we got to the shot bar. Once there, I ran into none other, than Law School! He was meeting up with some friends of his. So it ended up being me, and 4 boys! Haha. Bethany and April had to go to work.
So we all took some shots, and then grabbed a cab and headed out to the country bar, to visit Bethany and Summer. Law School stayed at the shot bar, but said he might meet up with us later.
As soon as we got to the bar, Ben bought us all a round of shots. Then I grabbed TB and dragged him out to the dance floor. I had promised him I would teach him the Texas 2-Step, and I had every intention of keeping that promise.
"This is it??" He said, "It's so easy!"
"Well yea, it's a 2-step! But you have to guide me! And don't run me into people." I said with a chuckle, just as he steered me into another couple.
Then he grabbed me tighter and started steering me around, running into people left and right!
"Sorry! It's his first time!" I called out to the disgruntled dancers as we passed.
"Ok, that's enough." I said to TB.
But he wouldn't stop! I mean, it was kind of fun at first, but I was getting tired of being used as a human shield as he bowled people over on the dance floor. I shook him off me and began walking back towards the bar.
"Ok, I am definitely not dancing with you anymore!" I laughed, trying to make light of the situation.
"Terrie! Come back, I was just kidding." He said.
I whirled. Terrie??
He was looking right at me. I raised an eyebrow and kept walking.
"Terrie!" He called again, "Terrie wait!"
By this time, I was really pissed. I ignored him and went to the bar to talk to Bethany. JC came over and tried to convince me that he hadn't really been calling me Terrie.
"You know full well that he did! Like five times! I knew this was a bad idea." I said.
"Yea, but you can't be mad at him!" JC said, "And what do you mean it's a bad idea?"
"I'm not mad, I'm annoyed! And it's a bad idea because nothing can come of this!"
That was about the time that Law School showed up. I ranted to him about it for a while, then the whole group left to go to the bar next door. We met Taryn and Sheila there and got a table and some champagne. In retrospect, the champagne was probably a bad idea. I didn't talk to TB anymore that night, and he didn't try to talk to me either. Instead, I hung out with Law School and Taryn. Everything starts to get fuzzy at this point, with moments of clarity. Apparently, around 1:30am I decided I wanted to leave, and I dragged Law School out of the bar with me. We walked next door, where one of my friends bartends so I could say hello to her. Law School and I were bullshitting and bantering like usual. And I remember we were just standing there, looking at each other and I...kissed him! I didn't even think twice about it, I just did it!
And he kissed me back! Lol.
We left shortly after that, because it was closing time. We took a cab back to his place, made out some more, and then crashed. That is, until I woke up and puked my guts out in his bathroom. Ugh... Not my finest moment.
When we woke up, we talked and bantered some more. He teased me about TB, who was apparently blowing up my phone all night. Then he drove me to my car and I went home. And it was like... I dunno! I mean, I don't wanna say it was like the kiss never happened, but it wasn't awkward, ya know??
So I texted him when I got home.
Me: Umm...there are a lot of things I don't remember about last night. But kissing you is not one of them.
LS: Haha...in the bar or when we got back?
Me: Shut the front door! Don't take advantage of my hazy memory! I know I didn't kiss you when we got back, cuz I was too busy puking!
LS: No, the puking came a little while after we got back.
Me: Yea but still...I didn't kiss you when we got back!
Me: ...did I?
LS: Yes we did.
Me: Lol... Seriously?? Way to take advantage of the drunk girl! Well...I'm sorry, I'm not sorry! I'm a cocksman!
Me: So what else did we do?
LS: Haha. Nothing else that I remember.
Me: Well I don't remember anything! That hardly seems fair. We really kissed when we got back???
LS: Not fair? And yes we did.
Me: Well then why don't I remember it?! Cuz I remember kissing you at the bar, and I somehow ended up with one of their business cards in my purse.
LS: Business card? I have no idea. I don't know why you don't remember but you were drunk.
Me: Damn...I can't believe I kissed you, and you didn't even do anything to deserve it!
*He promised to take me out to dinner like...months ago to celebrate his getting a new job.
LS: Did TB take you to dinner?? Haha ;)
Me: FUCK YOU! And no. Lol.
LS: Hahahahaha....that was mean. Sorry. I take it back.
Me: Well I would apologize to you, for my cheap, drunken advances, but I'm not sorry. Lol. I've wondered about kissing you for a while now. Curiosity I suppose.
LS: Haha. 1) you still "won" bc he came down here and called you forever last night. 2) I'm not exactly sure how to respond to the former. Say it's mutual, or make a joke.
Me: Lol, ok well 1) I wasn't even aware it was a competition, and I don't really care anyways. 2) you could just set aside your petty defenses and be honest.
LS: Haha...I'm shy, so it takes me a while to not have defenses. But, what wouldn't be curious about a good looking girl.
Me: You're SHY? Bullshit! It's not like I'm a complete stranger, you can't use that excuse! And we're effing texting, which is the most impersonal form of communication.
LS: I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am really shy. But yes...of course I thought about it, and it crossed my mind.
LS: I mean, of course I thought about kissing you before, but I don't know what your mindset was and wasn't going to be weird.
Me: Well it's not fair that I can't remember half of what happened, and you can! And I'm not the type to beat around the bush, so I think we should do it again. Lol.
LS: Haha...I can probably handle that.

Summer and Ben are hosting a White Elephant Sex Toy Christmas Cocktail Party on Monday. Lol. What a mouthful! So I invited Law School to go with me. And he's gonna come! So I'll be sure to let you all know how that goes.
Today, I am extremely hungover and I have to go to work in 4 hours. Ugh... I'm still feeling very...incredulous about last night. I mean, what a strange turn of events. TB texted me this morning, guilt tripping me, saying he had "no fun at all" last night. Sure didn't seem like that to me! I just said I was sorry for the way things turned out last night, but I didn't appreciate being called by another girl's name, or being used a battering ram on the dance floor, and that we were both drunk, and I was sorry for lashing out at him. Then he asked me if I wanted to come over! G's, I try to let him down gently and he just can't take a hint! ((Sigh)) I told him I was sick and would be staying in bed all day. Which is very true.
Well, I'm gonna eat and take a nap before I have to get ready for work!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

50 First Dates

So on Thursday night, Cali and I went on our first date. He had suggested coffee or drinks, and told me to pick the place. So I suggested a Starbucks inside a Barnes & Noble. That way, if the date was really horrible, I could just escape into the bookstore. Lol. But that ended up not being necessary. :)
He arrived a couple minutes after I did. And upon first seeing him, I'm not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed. I just remembered him in my head as being so much hotter! Don't get me wrong, he is very attractive! I just didn't feel that initial spark you feel when you meet someone that you're undeniably attracted to. So anyways, he bought our drinks, a peppermint mocha for me, and a caramel macchiatto for him. I didn't wanna drink caffeine at that point, cuz I knew I'd never get any sleep if I did. So we sat down at a small 2 person table and chatted away! We talked about everything from my family, to his family, to our interests and hobbies and jobs. I learned that he works for a major company in the oil industry. He does something in oil trading. He used to work on ships offshore for months-on/months-off, and he really enjoyed it because he loves to travel. And he could pretty much live wherever he wanted, which is why he chose California. He's an avid surfer as well. But he said after doing that for several years, he started to get lonely, and he was never able to maintain a relationship, because he was away so much. So he found another position within the company, which ultimately led him here. He owns his own house, has a brand new sports car, he likes dogs, works out (I can tell he has a great body under those clothes!), and he reads!!! All things that I definitely require in a guy!
But despite all that, I just can't seem to shake this feeling that something is missing. And I can't figure out if it's me, or if it's him. Maybe it's the fact that I can tell he's about ready to settle down, and that makes me nervous. Or maybe it's the fact that I've never dated someone this much older than me. I mean, 6 years really isn't that much, but the maturity difference between him, and all the other guys I've dated is exponential! And that's probably a good thing, but it's still a little intimidating. Maybe it's because I'm just not ready to date. With TB, the whole situation is very nonthreatening because I know nothing can actually come of it. He just distracts me and makes me smile, and feel good. And Cali does that too, but obviously I don't know him as well yet. And then there's the fact that I'm just not as attracted to Cali as I am to Brandon. ((Sigh)) And I can't help that.
So all these things are going through my head during the date. And our conversation was really easy flowing, and I feel like he and I could be really good friends, because we have a lot in common and I feel comfortable with him. But I just don't know if it can be more than that. But I'm not gonna give this guy up yet. I'm gonna give him a chance, which is what I've been advised to do by all my friends.
So the day after our date, which was Friday, Cali asked me out again. Saturday lunch. But I had way too much stuff to do that day, so I asked him if Sunday would be ok. And he said, "Sure, how 'bout dinner?"
So we decided on Sunday dinner.
And when Sunday rolled around, I was soooooooo tired from work, and the past week, and everything catching up to me. I slept most of the day, and even thought about canceling. Just cuz I didn't wanna get up, shower and get ready. But I forced myself to do it. I wasn't going to cancel on him!
He picked me up at 8 sharp, and we went to a nice little Italian restaurant. Once again, conversation was good, although I did notice he tends to redirect most of the questions I ask him back to me. So I feel like the conversation gets a little one sided at times. Like I'm talking too much or something. But the dinner was great, and we shared some tiramasu afterwards. On the drive home, I was having an internal panic attack, cuz I was afraid he was gonna try to kiss me. I really didn't want him to! I'm just not ready!
So he pulls up to my apartments.
"Well I won't do that whole awkward thing." He said, "I'll just get out of the car and give you a hug."
"Ok." I said. *phew* I had been expecting that conversation to go in a whole other direction!
So we both got out, I thanked him for dinner and we hugged, and I pulled away before the idea of kissing could even cross his mind.
"Do you wanna maybe do something Tuesday?" He asked.
"Um...let me find out what I've got going on this week first, and I'll get back to you." I said with a smile.
"Ok, lookin' forward to it! Goodnight, Peyton." He said as he got in his car.
Tuesday. At this rate, we'll be going out every other day! That's way too fast for me. I mean I admire his persistence. I don't think I've ever been courted with such vigor before. But this is all a bit overwhelming for me, ya know? I mean I hadn't expected or planned for this, and I'm definitely not ready for a serious relationship. And I'm thinking maybe he is. But Cali and I haven't had any kind of conversation about that. And I'm not about to bring it up! So I'm just gonna let it ride for now. I ended up telling him no for Tuesday. I was doing laundry all night and cleaning my apartment. I'm picking up TB from the airport today after work. Seeing him will be refreshing I think. No pressure, just fun.

Here's a little sidenote. On Saturday night after work, Liza and I were talking while we were cleaning the bar. I was telling her about my date with Cali, since she's the waitress who sort of hooked us up.
"He called you?? OMG! I can't believe you actually went out with him! That is so cool! He seems really nice. How old was he again, 31?"
"Yea, " I said, "He's really nice. We're going out again tomorrow night." I couldn't help but notice that Brandon was concentrating a little too hard on cleaning that glass rack.
"Where are you guys going??" Liza asked.
"Out to dinner. He's picking me up!! I dunno why, but I think that's so weird. No one's ever been like, 'Hey I'm taking you here, and I'm picking you up at this time.'" I said, truthfully.
"Wow. He's hot, dude...I could see his muscles under his shirt! I was checking him out for you last Saturday! Haha!"
Way to go, Liza! If Brandon wasn't jealous before, he surely was by now.

So Greg and I were doing inventory together about 30 minutes later, and he asked me about Cali.
"Dude, you can't say that stuff in front of Brandon!" He said half-jokingly.
"Why not?? He doesn't care about me!"
"Sweetie...you know how he is. Even if he doesn't admit it, it bothers him. And he gets all pouty, and quiet-"
"And mopey, and he storms and stomps around, and broods and slams things down, and doesn't talk to anybody?" I said, completing the sentence for Greg.
"Yea, I mean you know! I'm gonna have to comfort him later." He joked.
"Whatever! He brings that trashy new girlfriend of his in here all the time. I'm sick of looking at her pasty, whorish face. So he can just deal with it. I don't care."
"Good for you. I mean you're right, you deserve to be happy, and it's his fault, I mean..."
"He broke up with me! I mean, what, does he just want me to be miserable for the rest of my life???"
"Yep. He just doesn't want you to move on." Greg stated.
"That's ridiculous. I've spend enough time pining over him already. And I may not like him very much, but I wouldn't wish him a lifetime of unhappiness!"
"I know, Sweetie. He's just... You know how Brandon is."

Another 30 minutes later, we were all sitting in the back counting money, when I noticed Brandon in the corner all by himself. I nudged Greg and whispered, "I think what we were talking about earlier is happening right now!"
Greg looked up, smiled, and nodded emphatically.
"Is it horrible of me to feel absolutely giddy about that?"
Greg just laughed and shook his head. "NO." He said.

So Brandon is a little jealous, huh? I'm honestly surprised. I mean he has his cheap, easy, no-strings-attached fuck. And apparently that's all he wants since he can't deal with anyone expecting anything from him. Plus, I was convinced he didn't have any feelings for or about me whatsoever. Maybe it's finally occurred to him that he should have traded up when he dumped me, instead of sleeping with the first piece of trash that spread her legs. None of his friends like her, and no one can understand why he's with her. And seriously, I'm not saying that because I hate or resent her. I'm just stating the facts. EVERYONE I've talked to about that girl tells me she is trashy, and slutty. I'm not woman-bashing right now. I'm sure each and every one of you has met one of these girls before. You know how they are. They have no self-respect, no morals, no standards. And they'll sleep with anyone and everyone. Well wait till Brandon sees me out with TB on Friday night. He can finally have a taste of his own medicine. Bastard.

Friday, December 4, 2009


As soon as I left work Saturday night, I headed over to Ben's house to meet up with Bethany, Summer and Tara. Ben wasn't home, we were meeting him, Michael, and Mark at our destination. So we hung out, watched half a movie, and got all our stuff together. Around 5:30, Summer's mom came to pick us up.

The airport was insane, since it was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and for some reason, this had never occurred to us! But we still got there in plenty of time. Unfortunately, I can't tell you guys exactly where we went, because Todd is legitimately famous now, and you guys could figure out his identity if you really tried. And I'm not sure exactly how he'd feel about that. Plus, none of my friends know about this blog, and I'd like to keep it that way! So I'll just say, we arrived at our destination before noon, all of us completely exhausted. Ben and Michael picked us up. We could all tell they were totally hungover. Lol.

We stayed in an apartment that Ben's father's company owns. They use it for clients, and business trips and stuff like that. But it was really nice! Two bedrooms, two baths, and right in the heart of the city! So we all got settled in and laid down for a nap.

When we got up, our whole group headed out to grab some grub. And that's when the drinking began! That whole day/night was such a blur! Lol. But it was insanely fun. We met up with Todd around 7 at his hotel bar. He couldn't go out with us that night, because the team has a curfew. Todd's parents were there too, and I spent some time chatting with his mom. She's like the nicest, coolest lady! In high school, she was that super cool mom, who would let Todd show up unannounced at their house with like 6 friends, and she would whip up something delicious for everyone, and practically wait on us hand and foot! She's a really sweet lady. And very fashionable too! Hehe. So anyways, some of the other football players were in the bar too, and we got a couple pictures with some reallllllllly well known guys! Let's just say, they're hot, and have celebrity girlfriends... Hehe.

After we left the hotel, we headed back out on the town for more craziness! We even ended up at a strip club, which was totally not my idea, but whatever. There was like 10 of us! Me and the girls, Ben, Mark and Michael, and a few other guys that they were friends with, who I'd never met, but they were really cool.

Well, of course, it wouldn't have been a night out without a little drama. Summer and Ben got in a fight, Ben stormed out of the strip club. I followed him all the way back to the apartment. I was easily the most sober person in the group, and Ben was pretty drunk. He was going on and on about how he's breaking up with Summer, and driving back to his parents house, 2 hours away, and leaving us all, right then and there! And I'm like, "WHAT!? You can NOT leave, Ben! You're driving us girls back, remember?? Stop being impulsive!"
But there was no reasoning with him. I took his keys when he wasn't looking, and went back to my room. He headed out to the parking garage to "leave", but obviously he didn't get very far. Not long after, Tara and Bethany showed up. They were in a frenzy, running around packing up all their shit.

"What are you doing?" I asked Bethany.

"Packing Summer's stuff! We're going to a hotel."

I rolled my eyes. "WHY."

"Because, Summer is my best friend, and if she wants to leave, then I'm going with her!" She said all dramatic and drunkenly.

UGH. And since when are they best friends?! I wanted to ask.

"Whatever." I said, "That's dumb. And I'm not going anywhere. You guys are just making it worse by freaking out and frantically packing all your shit. They're both wasted. Once they calm down and sober up, they'll work it out. Just chill."

But of course, they didn't listen to me. People were running in and out of the apartment constantly, Ben and Summer wouldn't talk to each other. Then once they did start talking, they were outside for hours.
Drama drama drama...
I ended up passing out on top of the covers in all my clothes. When I woke up the next morning, MARK was in the bed with me! Lol. I kinda freaked out a little at first, but apparently, everyone had passed out in random places. And of course, Summer and Ben had worked everything out, and all was well in the morning.

Other than the drama, Sunday had been ridiculous, and crazy, and just...TOO much fun! I mean something was bound to happen! Because nobody has that much fun in one day. Lol.
I was the first one up, followed shortly thereafter by Tara. She and I showered and got ready to head out. We had to go meet Todd and get our tickets and sideline passes before 2:30, because he needed to get to the stadium early. Then of course, Tara and I spent like an hour trying to get everyone out of bed, and another hour waiting for Bethany and Summer to get ready.

First we met up with Todd at his hotel. Everyone was looking pretty grim, and apparently I was the only person who wasn't hungover. Lol. He gave us our tickets and our passes and told us to be at the stadium by 6, cuz that was when they'd be on the field practicing. Our passes were only good for before and after the game. And there's nobody on the field after the game, cuz the players all hit the locker rooms. So we knew we had a lot of stuff to get done in the meantime. I was really glad I'd already showered and put makeup on! After we got our tickets, we went and ate, hit the mall to get some team shirts, and then the drug store so I could get some posterboard to make a sign for Todd.

When we got back to the apartment, the girls started getting ready. Only Tara and I had showered, so she just started putting on makeup while the other 2 showered, and I got to work on my poster. I was completely ready by 5:00. Bethany wasn't dressed, and her hair was still wet, and Summer was putting on fake eyelashes.

Oh GOD. I thought. We're never gonna get out of here.

"Hey guys, we need to leave in like...30 minutes if we're gonna get there by 6." I said.

"The game's not even till 7:30!" Bethany said.

"I know, but if we wanna use our sideline passes, we need to get there early!"

"Well I have to curl my hair." She said flatly.

"Why? It's humid as hell outside!" I pointed out.

"Yea, but if I don't curl it, I'll look like a wet dog." She persisted.

I sighed, "Well how much longer?" I asked.

"Fifteen minutes." She said.

At 6 o'clock on the dot, we still hadn't left. I was fuming by this point. I rushed everyone out the door, and we finally started heading to the stadium. And of course there was traffic on the way, and throngs of people trying to get in, once we got there. We left the guys at the entrance, since we had different seats, and headed into the stadium. We walked straight out onto the field, and it was BREATHTAKING! I mean seriously, I just stood there and gawked. There were soooooooooooooooo many people! I mean literally, like every seat was taken in the stadium! And everyone was screaming, and the atmosphere in there was so charged! It was very contagious.

We walked along the sideline, in search of Todd, and I spotted him pretty quickly, practicing with some of his teammates in the middle of the field. I brought my nice camera and my telephoto lens, and I just started snapping away! I got tons of awesome photos!
When Todd finally turned in our direction, I held up my sign so he'd see us! He immediately came over and gave me a hug.

"Nice sign!" He said.

"Thanks! This is SOOO awesome, I can't even believe it! And you look so..." I couldn't finish my sentence. There he was in his pro-football uniform, with his pads and his helmet... It was surreal. Little Todd from church. Haha. My, how he's grown!

The girls took a picture of us together, and I took one of all of them with Todd too. And before we knew it, we were all being shooed off the field. I knew we should have gotten there earlier! But I was too excited at the time to let anything bother me. Tara had bought a football with the team logo on it, that she wanted to get signed. Her boyfriend's dad is really sick, and all he talks about it Todd's football team. Apparently he's been a fan since their early years. And she was really disappointed that she didn't even get a chance to give it to Todd. But I promised her we'd get it signed, no matter what!

So we headed up to our seats, which were in the end zone. They weren't the best seats in the world, but we could see everything, and hey! They were free! And this was sold out game! Everyone in our section liked my sign, haha! It had Todd's name on it, so they all started to assume I was his girlfriend. And I just let them. Heehee. We drank plenty of beer, took lots of pictures, and cheered and screamed till we lost our voices! And just FYI, Todd plays in every game! I know a lot of people assume that rookies never play, but he plays! And their team won by a landslide!! And the team they were playing is really good! So not everyone was sure they would win. But I was! :) It was so totally amazing!

We met up with guys outside the stadium and started our trek back to the apartment. All the fans pouring out of the stadium were cheering, and high-fiving; it was like everyone was your best friend! Haha. And I marched down the street holding my sign high.
When we got back to the apartment, I put my camera away, grabbed a few things, and then we headed back out. We went to a piano bar and got a table, and I texted Todd, letting him know where we were.

He ended up texting me, and telling me to come meet him at some exclusive player's party. And of course we were all totally down for that! So we went to meet him, and almost the whole team was there! They had this whole bar reserved for just them. Todd came outside to meet us and let us in. It was actually a pretty low key party, kinda quiet, nothing crazy. And the guys were starting to get a little bored, I could tell. They were craving the loud, crazy raucous of the city bars we'd spend the last night in. So I told them to go ahead and go. I really wanted to spend some time with Todd, and catch up, and we promised we'd meet them in a bit. So they all left, except me and Tara. I could tell she was getting a little sick of the drama too. Tara is a lot like me in that respect. We don't like drama, and we're both really laid back and chill. So she and I hung out with Todd, and his personal NFL trainer, Rick. He's an ex player as well. And he was really funny. Very sarcastic with a dry sense of humor. I had a field day with him! He and I bantered the entire cab ride over to meet the group, and Todd was getting a huge kick out of it. Lol.

So we met up with everybody, but Todd, Rick, and I still kind of kept to ourselves. And once again, I was the most sober out of the group, by the end of the night. Well, not counting Todd. He's so huge, it's practically impossible for him to get drunk. Believe me, I've tried. Lol. So Todd came back to the apartment with us, and we both crashed on the floor. His apartment is outside the city, and it would have been kind of a long cab ride, so I told him just to crash with us, and we'd drive him to his parents' hotel in the morning. He and I would have slept in my bed, but he was worried that his (gold-digging) girlfriend would get mad, because he wouldn't lie to her about it, if she asked. Which, I understand. But it's not like I was going to put the moves on him or anything! He's way too virtuous for that! So we slept on the floor, and Ben and Summer took my bed.

We had to get up real early the next morning to start driving. I hugged Todd and thanked him a million times! I still feel like I haven't thanked him enough! I'm definitely gonna do something nice for him, I just haven't figured out what yet. Any ideas, readers?? Tara left ahead of us with Mark, (I have no idea why) and they dropped Todd off on their way out. So it was just me, Bethany and Summer riding with Ben. We slept most of the way. The weather was crap. And by the time we got back, it was late, and I was exhausted.

And since I've been back, I still haven't been able to catch up on my sleep, because my sleep schedule is all fucked up again from staying out every night till 5am for 5 days in a row! Plus, I've been uploading and editing pictures, and I always lose track of time when I'm doing that.

But, despite the drama, I have to say that was one of the best trips EVER! It was so much fun! Next time I go to one of Todd's games though, I'm only taking single people! And probably not 3 girls. I'll probably just take Sophie! Lol. Then I know we won't have any problems.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention! Two things:
1) TB bought a ticket to Houston, despite my warnings. He'll be here next weekend. Is this good or bad? I haven't decided yet. He knows not to expect anything, but...??
2) Cali texted me the very next day after I gave him my number! Annnnd we had our first date last night! But I'm going to have to save that for another post, because this one is already too long!

Have a good weekend everybody!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I Got A Feelin'... That Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night

Sorry, it's been so long since I've blogged! I've been meaning and meaning to write, but I've been so busy, and I'm about a week behind on sleep now! Ugh...
So let's start from the beginning. Thanksgiving week was nice and relaxing. I had to leave work early on Tuesday for my doctor's appointment. I got my blood work done, so they could try to find out what's going on with my hair, and nothing turned up. :( So I have to go see a dermatologist. But hey, at least I'm healthy! I mean, other than the obvious.
Wednesday was my last day of the work week, and Sheila and I went out and got pretty crazy that night! Cory and I were supposed to hang out, and he had texted me earlier that day, but when I was ready to go, he didn't answer the phone! So I just figured, oh well. And Sheila and I had tons of fun, just the two of us, anyway. I haven't been that drunk in a long time. Lol. But don't worry, we took cabs, so we were safe. I crashed pretty hard that night after a much needed carefree night of partying. A little too hard though, because I did not wanna get out of bed the next morning! I was an hour late to Thanksgiving lunch/dinner at the grandparents, and everyone had already eaten. My parents were in Florida, and Sophie was spending the holiday with Brent's parents, so it was just me. But Jenna and Paul were there, and I scarfed down a plate of food before everyone started packing it all up. We actually had a pretty good time, the 3 of us. We sat at the table in the kitchen, talking and goofing off, while the rest of the family was in the living room being boring. Lol. My grandfather is a bit crotchety in his old age, and he's very particular, and likes to give his grandsons a hard time. He's also going deaf, so he shouts a lot. Lol. So Paul was just sitting in his chair reading a GQ, and Grandpa kept harassing him. Lol. Yelling at him to get his lazy ass up and help clean up. Jenna and I could hardly stifle our laughs.
So I had fun, catching up with them. Jenna had to leave that night though, because her boyfriend had a death in the family that week. So unfortunately, she and I didn't get to spend any more time together after Thanksgiving dinner.
I had been planning on going out again Thursday night, but I was just so tired, I ended up staying in, cuddling with Jasper on the couch, and going to bed early. Cory called to tell me he was sorry about the night before, but he'd passed out on his friends couch, and woke up at 4am fully clothed. And of course, I was too tired to do anything, so we ended up never getting to see each other! I was pretty disappointed I guess, but having too much fun to really notice.
Friday night I had to work at the bar; that kinda sucked. I didn't even leave my apartment during the day, because I was afraid of Black Friday traffic. I live pretty close to the mall, so it gets really insane over there. I had a really horrible dream about Brandon that night too. I dreamt that it was my birthday, and he was trying to give me something; he had bought it when we were still together. But I told him it was too much, and I didn't think it was appropriate for me to accept his gift. And he kinda just shrugged, said ok, and then walked off. And we were in the parking lot of the mall or something, so I turned and started to walk the other way, and I just started crying. The my mom came and picked me up, and as we were leaving the parking lot, I saw Brandon and his new slore standing on the curb, kissing. I woke up sobbing. Needless to say, I wasn't in the greatest mood. But I had to run errands and pack my things for my trip with the girls to go watch Todd's football game! My first NFL game ever!! So that definitely cheered me up. Our plane was slotted to leave at 7am Sunday morning! Work was kinda slow, but I didn't have to work behind the same bar as Brandon, which was nice. ANNNND...I met someone!
I was working the waitress well, and I noticed one of my favorite waitresses, Liza, talking to this guy. He was tall, with olive skin and dark hair, and he had kind of an exotic look to him. Like he might be Hawaiian or half Filipino. So I asked her if he was a friend of hers.
"No, he's just sitting at one of my tables.", she said, "Why?"
"Because he's hot!" I said.
She laughed. "You wanna know what he said about you??"
"WHAT!" I could hardly contain myself. Surely, this had to be a joke.
"He said, 'That girl looks mean, and a little scary, but I like it!'"
I busted out laughing. "Find out how old he is, but don't tell him I asked."
So she came back, and reported that he's 31.
Perfect! I thought. No more immature guys who need to get their lives together!
I quickly whipped up 4 of my best shots.
"Bring these to him and his friends, one is for you, and tell him they're from me." I said to Liza.
"One's for me? Thanks!" She beamed, and bustled off to his table.
I sorta got busy for a while after that, and before I knew it, he was standing in front of my well!
"Hey! Thanks for the shots, they were really good!" He said.
"You're welcome." I said, "I'm Peyton."
I shook his hand, blushing slightly. I've never dated someone that much older than me before. And the thought of it was kind of intimidating. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about it! Lol. I mean, it's only 6 years, but the most I've ever done is 4.
"I'm [Cali]." He said. (That's what I'm calling him, cuz I later learned, he's from San Diego.)
"So, my friends and I are actually about to take off... Do you think I could call you sometime?" He asked.
"Sure! Um...one second." I ran to the other end of the bar to grab my purse. I whipped out one of my photography business cards and handed it to him. Much quicker than writing down my name and number.
"Thanks!" He said, "I'll see ya later."
"Bye!" I said.
My night got considerably better after that. But wait till you guys read about our trip!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Holiday Season Is Coming

I know it's been a few days since I've written. I was in Austin for the weekend, and I've just been insanely busy trying to prepare for the holidays!
The end of last week was a little hard, but I made it through, and everything is fine.
TB has still been calling/texting regularly. And honestly...I just don't know what opinions to form on this situation. I mean I told him, when I first met him, that I'm not looking for any kind of relationship; just fun, and trying to get my life back on track, picking up the pieces, etc. And he seemed to totally get it. I just never expected him to stick around! And yes, obviously, I've been texting him back, because it's been nice just to have somebody to talk to... someone who obviously really wants to talk to me, and get to know me. And it's kind of been a while since I've had that. But now he's talking about making another trip out here! And that makes me really nervous, because I don't want him to expect anything, sexual or otherwise. And I told him that too, but he still wants to come!! So, I guess there's not really anything I can do or say to discourage him, aside from stopping all communication. But I don't want to do that. I like him, he's fun and interesting.
Anyways, Cory just got in town tonight. And we have plans to hang out this week. Possibly even tomorrow! I wonder how that's gonna be... Eh, he's funny and cool, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Tomorrow I have to leave work early to go to the doctor. I have to get blood work done. I'm really nervous, I hate needles! But I've noticed that over the past couple of years, I've lost like 30% of the density of my hair! And it's really making me nervous. Hence, the blood work.
But afterwords, I'm gonna meet Emma for dinner, and then get a mani/pedi. So that will be fun.
Austin was nice. I didn't do any partying, just hung out with Izzie and the baby, did a little shopping, and saw New Moon. I loved it! I mean, as a movie. I thought this adaptation was much better than Twilight. As far as the books go, that's a whole different story, but can I just say that Taylor Lautner is totally a hot piece of ass!? ((sigh)) If only he was older...

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is just around the corner! My parents and Sophie won't be here, but Jenna and Izzie are coming into town! So I'll be at the grandparents' house on Thursday with Jenna, and then a group of us, including Cory, are going out Thursday night! I can't wait!
And then this weekend, me and the girls leave for our trip!!! I can't wait!!
Ok, well it's just about midnight now, so time for bed.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Birthday Wishes

Erg...Why does today have to be Brandon's birthday?? I was doing so well not thinking about him at all. But not today... I feel like I should least text him a Happy Birthday, just so he knows I harbor no ill-will towards him. ((Sigh)) This too shall pass...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Attention Please!

Ok, well! So many things to address...
After reading all your comments, bad and good, my first conclusion was, "Ok, I'm just gonna stop blogging. I'm sick of feeling like I need to justify my words, and my actions to these people. They don't know me, and they have no right to judge me". And that's the truth!
But, on the other hand, this wouldn't be the first time I've resorted to quitting blogger because of a few rude comments. And I'm really not the type of person to do something like that. And I enjoy blogging! So now, let me just make something clear. When I respond to comments, whether in the form of another comment, or in a post, I write exactly what I would say, if we were having this conversation in person... i.e., "fuck you!"
If that girl (I'm assuming it's a girl, because I really don't think I have any male readers) had told me to my face that I needed to act like an adult, and don't screw this up, etc... I would have straight up said "fuck you" to her face. But then I remembered, that I, unlike that girl, am not a timid person, and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, and if I've got something to say to somebody, I say it to their face. Unlike the anonymous commenters who have nothing nice to say. So I don't feel my actions were out of line at all. If someone came up to you, and bashed you, and told you you were immature, and wrong in the decisions you made, decisions you felt pretty good about, how would you feel? What would you say to that person? I would hope that you would stand up for yourself. Unfortunately, none of you actually know me, and I don't actually know any of you, so we can't have a face to face conversation.
And as for the comment about me being "too boy crazy" and just moving right on to the next guy, that is not the case at all. I'm not moving right on to the next guy. I'm single! I'm having fun! What would you have me do?? Hole up in my apartment like a shrew?? Not go anywhere, or do anything?? I'm taking it day by day. Catching the curveballs that are thrown my way; sometimes I throw them back, and sometimes I hold onto them for a while. But I'm not trying to make TB my new boyfriend. And yes, I admit it! I'm boy crazy! I'm a straight, young woman, with a healthy sexual appetite! And if I wasn't boy crazy, would half of you even still be reading this blog?? Cuz I think it would probably be pretty boring. So, think what you like, but I know that there is nothing wrong with the decision I made to sleep with TB. I feel good about that decision, and I don't regret it at all. And actually, I have made a new friend! He's still been texting me every day. And yesterday, he even mentioned flying back to Houston again soon, because he had so much fun when he was here!
And as for all my supportive readers, I'm sorry if I don't give you guys props enough for your encouraging comments. I do sometimes mention you in the beginning of my blogs. Sometimes it's just an acknowledgement, but I'll try to pay more attention to you in the blog. Because I do really appreciate you guys! It's nice to know that there are people out there who aren't judging me, or talking shit! I mean, everyone needs a little encouragement from time to time. Everyone likes to hear that they've done something right, once in a while, instead of something wrong. Because people are usually so much quicker to point out your mistakes, than your accomplishments. So here's to my positive feedbackers! You are the ones who keep me blogging! :) REALLY! Because when I start to have second thoughts about continuing to write, the first thing that pops into my mind is my loyal followers! Obviously, I'm doing something right, to keep you guys reading, and I don't want to disappoint you.
But anyways, that's my 2 cents on the comment issues. As for everything else, I'm really excited about my trip to Austin this weekend. Izzie and I have been talking back and forth constantly about our ideas for the agency, and what we're gonna do this weekend (go shopping and see New Moon, just to name a few!). It's gonna be a great little getaway. And then next week is Thanksgiving! Izzie will be here for that too, and she's invited me to spend the holiday with her family, since mine will all be in Florida. :(
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do for Thanksgiving though, because Jenna will be in town, so we may be having dinner at my aunts or grandparents' house. But if not, I'll spend Thanksgiving with Izzie. OH! And Cory's going to be in town as well. He got in touch with me just the other night, and we have plans to grab cocktails Wednesday and/or Thursday night. So that should be fun. Izzie is going to come with us, since her Mom will be able to watch the baby.
It's going to be a great week! I'm excited.
Oh, and tomorrow is Brandon's 27th birthday. I wonder if he'll grow up at all this year...

Monday, November 16, 2009

I'm Back!

OMG I have so much exciting news! First of all, I finally got some booty! Lol. And it was definitely exactly what I needed to just...get me across that bridge. I mean, I had already made the decision to cross it, after my talk with Aaron, and I just...needed to do something to act on it! So me and Tommy Bahama (JC's friend from out of town) ended up going out to dinner Thursday! Then on Friday, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself out of work by 1am! So I hightailed it over to Washington to meet up with TB, JC, Ben, Mark and everybody. I had a little bit of a power hour, which was just enough to get me feeling free. Free of the stress, and pressures of the work week, and ready to let loose and have some fun! And that's exactly what I did!
Soo...Tommy Bahama and I hung out all night, and we both ended up back at JC's place, and first we were just sitting there, talking, about anything and everything! And then one thing led to another... And before I knew it, I was a liberated woman! FREE AT LAST!!
I mean, I know it was more of a mental thing than anything else, because I did this for myself. And it was fun! And, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! It's like...I'm back! HAHAHA!!
I know, I may seem a little extremist, and maybe you think it was irresponsible, or foolish to sleep with a guy I just met, but guess what? I don't care! Just know, that I didn't do it for revenge. I didn't do it because I hoped that Brandon would find out and come crawling back. I just did it for me. And I don't care if he finds out or not. I really feel like I'm over him! I mean, not completely. But mostly. The pain is pretty much gone. I don't fall asleep thinking about him, or panic about going to the bar and seeing him, or wonder what he's doing or what girl he's with. I just don't care!
So obviously, I was in a very elated mood all day Saturday. Nothing could get me down! After work, Taryn and I went over to JC's again, because it was TB's last night in Houston! Unfortunately, by the time I got there, all the guys were just about ready to pass out. So I said my goodbyes to TB, and finally headed home, completely exhausted.
On Sunday, I slept till like 4:30pm! I had a whole week's worth of sleep to catch up on. TB had already left to go home to Colorado. He's originally from Colorado, but he's been living and working in the Bahamas for the last few months. Anyways, I talked to Melissa on the phone about everything, and she just kept gushing to me about TB, asking me when I'm gonna see him again, etc. And I promptly set her straight. I have no plans to see him again, and even though I think he's a nice guy, he already served his purpose. To help me move on. I mean, nothing could come of it anyway; he lives in Colorado!
But the funny thing is, he hasn't stopped texting me since! He was texting me all day today while I was at work. And honestly, it was a welcome distraction, cuz after the weekend I had, I was having trouble staying awake. Oh, and while I'm on that subject, let me just point out that my boss specifically told me, I can come in and leave whenever I want, as long as I put in my 40 hours. And last week, I put in 45 hours! So don't bitch at me about how this is my "chance to be an adult"! Fuck you! I AM being an adult! I got this job myself, I support myself, I may not be perfect, but I'm a big girl, goddammit and I'm not stupid. So don't talk to me like I am.
Sorry if that sounded a little harsh, but like I said, I'm a new woman. Very liberated.
So anyways, Tommy Bahama has been texting me all day, asking me all kinds of questions about myself, and what I like to do for fun, and what kind of guys I date, and what my longest relationship was. Stuff that only a genuinely interested guy would ask, right?
It's strange...
Anyways, so this project I started working last week, I finished 2 days early! And my boss was incredulous! So yayyy points for me! Except today I think he was scrambling around trying to find things for me to do, cuz he thought I'd still be working on last week's project. Oh well. At least he was impressed! Well, I really should be going to bed soon. ((Sigh))
Goodnight World!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Make a Move

OMG! So last night, I went out to dinner with a bunch of people from the bar for Sheila's birthday. And Taryn was there, with a couple of her friends, including a guy in town from the Bahamas, who I couldn't help notice was pretty good looking. So I discreetly asked her about him at dinner (we were texting under the table), and she informed me that he's single! Except, he's only gonna be here till Sunday. But what the hell! So I told her to drop a few hints for me, and sniff around little bit. Which she did. She told him I thought he was cute, but I ended up having to go home relatively early, and nothing came of it. Oh well.
So for the last hour, I've been sitting at my desk, doing some gruelling spreadsheet work, and fantasizing about my nap when I get home, when Taryn texts me! Apparently her friend from the Bahamas wants to know what I'm doing tonight! :D Her other friend, JC, is texting me too, asking me what I'm doing. Apparently him and Bahama Boy are going out tonight. Unfortunately, Taryn is working, but she says I should hang out with them. And I'm definitely considering it! She wants us to come visit her at work. Of course, I can't be out late, though. I was in bed by midnight last night, which was a miracle, and I still barely made it to work today cuz I overslept. Ugh. But as long as I get here before my boss does, it's ok! Hehe.
Well now I'm just patiently awaiting a text back from JC. So I guess we'll see what happens! But I definitely gotta get the hell out of this office! Thank God tomorrow is Friday...

P.S. Brandon was at the dinner last night, and I totally followed my game plan! He got there late and had to sit at the very end of the table by himself. I honestly felt sorry for him! But he walked down the entire length table to say hi, when he got there. I said hi back, and that was it! Easy as pie.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Just Fade Away...

Today, after work, I met up with one of my coworkers from the bar, Aaron, for coffee. Aaron is probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. And he's insanely goofy! He recently got married, and he gives really good advice, and he and I were working behind the same bar this past Saturday, and started having a conversation that we didn't get to finish. So he suggested we meet for coffee. And yes, the conversation was about Brandon.
We talked for about two and a half hours, and it was probably the best conversation I've had with anyone on the topic so far. He really peeled away all the crap that's covering Brandon, and our relationship, and showed me what's underneath. He gave me advice on what I should do, and how I should behave at work, and he gave me his opinions on Brandon, and on my situation. And I really feel a lot better now.
Even though I've known for a while that Brandon and I aren't meant to be together, the lingering feelings I had just kept pulling me back. Because in the very beginning of our relationship, things were great! And I was just clinging onto that for some reason. But, Brandon hasn't been the person I fell in love with , in a long time. In fact, since then he's become selfish, mean, and competitive to the point where things at work become tense. And, as Aaron pointed out, the reason is because he has convinced himself that he is the best. He doesn't want anyone to be better than him, and he doesn't give himself room to improve because he thinks he's already the best. Which is why he doesn't like anyone correcting him at work. But he's forgotten the most important thing. To be the best, you have to be the best person that you can be, and you have to be well-rounded in doing so. You have to want to be the best friend, the best boyfriend/girlfriend, the best brother, sister, son, daughter, father or mother. Not just the best bartender. Not just the best golfer. And Brandon never cared to be the best boyfriend to me, because that would have required him to make some sacrifices. And he's so wrapped up in himself, that he doesn't want to do that.
I never thought about it that way.
Aaron also pointed out that Brandon's juvenile behavior the other night was just a play to get a reaction out of me. And it worked! And he says if I just accept Brandon, not ignore him, not be overly friendly, but just accept him, it will help me to move on, and it will drive him nuts. And if I just don't give in, he'll end up making a fool out of himself, which will be unattractive to me, and help me get over him. Because he wants to get attention from me, he wants to get a reaction out of me. He likes knowing that I still care about him. And I cannot, under any circumstances, give him that satisfaction. And he's gonna jab at me a few times, maybe even do something drastic, like make out with a girl in front of me, to try to get a reaction, but I just have to be strong, and not give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. And eventually he'll just fade away....

We talked about a lot more things, but overall, I learned that I just need to tell myself, and everyone else, that I don't care, and truly mean it, because I know he's not what I want. And it's not going to be easy, but I'm on my way. ((Sigh))
So...hopefully I can stay in this frame of mind that I'm in right now. And I'm really thankful to Aaron for taking the time to sit and talk with me. He and I don't really hang out too much, because he works 2 jobs, and he's married and all. I do hang out with his wife, Trina every now and then. They're like the perfect couple. I mean, obviously nothing is perfect, but they are one of the best models for a relationship of anyone I know. So, I think if anyone can give good relationship advice, it's Aaron.

Well, I don't really have anything else exciting to report. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm getting through this. I am determined to get through this! And hopefully, once I'm back to my old happy-go-lucky self again, the right guy will come along.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Keeps Coming Back...

Well I'm all set to go to Austin. I found a dog sitter, and requested off work. So I'm going the weekend before Thanksgiving.
Work is getting a little more interesting. I just got finished calling a long list of people, to inform them that technicians are going to be coming in and updating their systems. Not too exciting, but at least it's time-consuming.
This weekend was horrendous. Seeing Brandon after a week of not seeing him, was heart wrenching. He's back with that stupid slut. The one he told me he didn't care about, and she meant nothing to him, and she was boring, and uninteresting. ((Sigh)) It breaks my heart that he would choose her over me! And after all that bullshit he spat me about wanted to be alone, and concentrate on golf, and work, etc, etc...Total lies. And on top of that, people at work, and my friends, feel the need to tell me, EVERY TIME they see him with her, or any girl. And I guess The Slore is telling people that they're dating. Which of course, he denies, under the pretenses that they've "never even talked about that". I wish I could just stop caring. I feel so weak. So fragile. I'm always on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, after laying awake for hours thinking about him. And I know he's not right for me. I know he can't give me what I want! But I still love him. I just wish I didn't. And more than anything, I wish I didn't have to hear about him being with another girl. I wish she didn't come into my bar all the time. I wish I didn't get paranoid every time I see Brandon respond to a text message. ((Sigh))
Why am I so depressed?? It's like I've forgotten how to make myself happy. Everything is just dull. Gray. Empty. I'm tired 24/7, probably because I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep, I wake up almost every hour. I have nightmares, and weird, unsettling dreams. I'm so sick of being alone. And I don't even mean just relationship-wise. I'm by myself all the time! And I don't even have the energy or the motivation to leave the house when I have free time, because I'm so tired, and I feel so antisocial. And when I am around people, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just sit there and think.
Why her? Why me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I even comparing myself to her? Why can't I just get over it already? Why is it that nothing seems to make me happy anymore??
In the past year, my hair has lost about 30% of it's density. I'M LOSING MY HAIR! I had a full-on mental breakdown Saturday night because of it. When I was washing my hair, there were like 8 full strands in my hands afterwards. I called my mom crying, and she suggested I call in from work. But I couldn't cuz I need the money. Now I wish I would have because Brandon and I got in a fight that night. He got mad cuz I asked him to face his one dollar bills, and he said I was singling him out and trying to make him look bad. ((Sigh)) I told him he was over analyzing and being too defensive and mean. Let's just say, the argument didn't really get us anywhere.
Sunday, I got so mad, I told him to stay out of my life. Because he's selfish and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he has a new chick.
To which he responded, "I can't help what other people say. I'm not doing anything wrong!"
And I told him to shove it because he doesn't give a shit about me, or anyone, but himself. Then he said he was deleting my number.
I ended up texting him later that I was sorry, and I didn't mean all those things, I just need some time, and I hope he understands.
He said he understands, but I don't think he does! I think he thinks I'm crazy, and he doesn't get why I'm so upset over him. I'm just another obsessive ex-girlfriend. He doesn't get it, because he never felt what I do. And that hurts too.
I need help. I'm drowning. I can't deal with this anymore. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, this just keeps coming back to haunt me.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Exciting Opportunities

OMG. So I'm at work right now, and I'm totally wired on aderall and coffee. I'm on my second cup of double espresso. AHHH! We have an awesome automatic coffee maker downstairs with all these different flavors in it. Anyways...
Izzie and I have been texting in the mornings, since she's like the only other person I know who has a normal job and is up at these hours! It definitely helped me get through yesterday morning!
So today, I was asking her how she does this every day! You know, how she stays awake, and how she doesn't go out of her mind with boredom! At the time, my coffee high hadn't hit yet, and I was struggling to keep my eyes open. So she mentioned that she wasn't planning on staying at her current job forever, and she wants to open her own ad agency. And I was like, "OMG IZ! I wanna come work for you! I'll move to Austin! I can take photos for your ads, and do photoshop stuff, and entertain you, and just whatever else you need! That would be soooo awesome!"
Izzie: Hmmm, I don't know, Do you have any references? Jk you tard, I've been trying to get you to move to Austin for decades. But don't run out and quit your job though, it'll be at least 6 months before I can really get something started.
Me: Lol, I know. But other than you, I had no real reason to move to Austin. But now that I'm getting some corporate experience on my resume, I think it'll be easier for me to branch out. Plus, I'm single now, and there's nothing really holding me back. Obviously I'm not gonna go quit my job, it's only my second day! lol. But I'm serious though.
Izzie: Who knows if you'll be single in 6 months though? I would really, really, reallyreallyreallyreally love for you to help me start an ad agency. Really.
Me: I really reallly reallllllly would love that too! Really. We should have a business meeting about this. Really. Perhaps I'll come to Austin soon. Hmmm...
Izzie: Do it. I have another friend that wants in on this too. And I really like the business meeting idea. Let's do this soon.
Me: Dammit, I wish I could come this weekend, but it's too late for me to try and get off work bartending, and next weekend is someone's birthday, so I doubt I'll be able to get off then. But maybe if I say it's business travel, I can pull it off! I'll talk to my manager tonight and see what I can do.
Izzie: For next weekend?
Me: Yea, would that work for you?
Izzie: Let me check my calendar, and I'll get back to you ASAP.

I'm still waiting to hear back from her, but nothing has gotten me this excited in a while. I mean, our own ad agency!?? That would be AWESOME! And I would actually be doing something I love to do, with photo editing and stuff. Plus I would be working with Izzie, who to this day is the best friend I have ever had through the years. Tried and true! :)
And even if I end up totally hating this job I have now, I can deal with it for as long as it takes, just knowing that I have something else to look forward to. It's being stuck here forever that really scares me.
Plus, you know, Austin is much closer to San Antonio... ;)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

To The Future!

Well today was a big day for me on several fronts! First and foremost, I started my new job! And to be honest, it was grueling and boring. But it was only the first day. And my supervisor basically just gave me a bunch of material to read about the company, and the department, etc... And obviously, the reading was very tedious, and I was trying like hell to stay awake. I only got like 3 hours of sleep last night. Today kind of reminded me of the first day of classes in college. You show up, meet your professor and get your syllabus. Basically just a formality, nothing too exciting. But, I made it through the day, boring as it was, and tomorrow should be more exciting, more involved. I actually get to start on some small projects. The big project I was hired for doesn't start up for a couple of weeks, so this is kind of my introductory, training, settling in period.
After work, I met up with my mom, who had just gotten out of her doctor's appointment. We had a light dinner, and then she suggested we do a little shopping. And a little shopping, sort of turned into a lot of shopping! Haha. I mean, we went into Ross, just to pick up a couple shirts or sweaters for me to wear to work, and then we found this beautiful Calvin Klein suit, and this beautiful Calvin Klein coat, and then we had to find me an outfit to match the coat.... And I mean, we were at Ross, so everything was a bargain! And since we were so close to the Galleria, this particular Ross had a lot of high end stuff. So that definitely brightened my day. And my mom paid for all of it! She said it was "an investment in my future". :)
And guess who's back?? Well...sort of. Cory! He sent me a flirty message on Facebook the other day, saying that he and I just needed to get together, have wild sex and forget all our previous relationship problems. Lol. And even though that may sound a little presumptuous, he's always been a jokster, and I love that about him. And most importantly, it made me laugh.
So today, I thought I'd send him a random text just for the hell of it.
And our conversation got increasingly more and more flirtatious. I'll paste it here.

Me: I think I may be in dire need of your booty call services.
Cory: Haha well when are you making the trip to SA, cuz [insert hometown here] is lame, and I don't have a bed there. Lol.
Me: I told you I live in HOUSTON now, lol. And I don't have a bed in SA either. But P.S. you could share my bed, I just can't promise you'll get any sleep.
Cory: Lmao ok then, but if I go to HTown, I always have to go home and see my family, or else I'd feel bad.
Me: Well then you have an excuse to come down here! [Hometown] is really not THAT far off the grid.
Cory: Ya, but between work and school, my time is limited. :( Guess I'll have to see.
Me: Yea, yea, well MAKE IT HAPPEN! Before I implode from lack of orgasms. Hahaha.
Cory: Oh my! lol. exciting.
Me: Yea it sounds funny, but it's really not.
Cory: Trust me I'm positive I'm more frustrated than you.
Me: Hmmm...I doubt that! I pretty sure I got dumped before you did! And it's been a pretty long time since I've gotten any action!
Cory: I had sex 12 times with my gf of 10 months... Pretty sure I win.
Me: ((Sigh)) ok FINE. You win. Lol. What an accomplishment, huh? We should really get some other ppl in on THIS contest!
Cory: No one would beat me... Sex 12 times in 10 months... I've done that in like 2 days..
Me: Lol. Don't tease me.
Cory: I like to tease. Makes it more fun.
Me: I couldn't agree more...
Cory: Lol this makes a trip to houston seem more pleasing. 3 hours in the car sucks.
Me: Well I'm sure I can return the favor at some point. Either way, I'll make it worth your while. ;)
Cory: I like the term, "make it worth your while"
Me: Me too, because it usually means fun. :D

The End.
Well! I am definitely having fun with this one. There's no threat here! He lives in San Antonio, I'm not afraid of him hurting me, there are no strings attached, we're just flirting, and there's a possibility of sex. Maybe more, maybe not. Who knows?! But I'm having fun. And that's what's important. It would be pretty damn awesome if he came to visit though...
We'll see what happens...
Here's to the future!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Damaged Goods

Well I start the new job tomorrow. I'm pretty anxious about it. I'm not really sure what to expect. I went shopping with Melissa yesterday to get some comfy pumps, and couple more things to add to my professional wardrobe. I didn't do anything last night, because Bethany, Tug, Summer and Ben were on a double date. :/
Usually Bethany and I do movie Mondays, but obviously that was a no-go. ((Sigh))
So I spent my last 2 free nights sitting at home, by myself, in my pajamas. And I was reading an old journal the other night, from 2002. And I just can't believe how…carefree and happy I was then. And even when I was having problems with my boyfriend at the time, which not surprisingly, are the same kinds of problems I still have with guys, it was like I had at least 2 other guys on the backburner to distract me from my current relationship problems! And it's not that I was cheating with these other guys, but they were just around, to flirt with and make me feel wanted. I mean, how sweet is that! I was so…innocent, naive even, but so bold, unafraid, undaunted, and adventurous. And I wouldn't even say I was confident, I was just…fearless. And now…I've become so cautious, jaded, apathetic, ripped apart and beaten down that it's like…I don't even have the desire, or the drive to go out and find those things anymore. And I wish I did! I wish I could be like that again. How is it that in every relationship I've ever been in (save one), I always have to question the guy's feelings. He never calls when he says he's going to. Always makes me wait around, takes me for granted, treats me with indifference, doesn't express his feelings, verbally, or otherwise. They've all been the same. Disappointment after disappointment. I just want a guy to really love me, and not be afraid to show it. Not try to change me, or make me less of a woman, less independent, less of who I am, just to make himself feel bigger, stronger, better… Why does everything have to be a competition??? I'm not looking for competition. I'm looking for companionship. So what if we work together? Why do we have to be competitors? Why can't we just be coworkers? Friends? Why are men so selfish, inconsiderate, and egocentric?? Why do they have to act so spiteful and mean when they feel they've been bested. Who's even counting?? Why do they always feel like they have to trade up. Like there just might be something better out there. Not to sound narcissistic but, what could be better than me?? I have a lot to offer. I'm smart, unique, and fun. I like to go out do things, travel, laugh, be goofy. I don't get mad easily, and I'm not catty, and I don't like to play games. WHERE are the men who are looking for THOSE things??? And how come the ones who claim to be looking for those things, don't ask me out!? I can't help it if I'm intimidating! If I intimidate anyone, it's because I know who I am, and what I bring to the table. I don't do it intentionally. I'm not mean, or condescending, or patronizing. I'm accepting, and outgoing, and friendly. I'll talk to anyone! But apparently people are afraid to talk to me. ((Sigh))I'm tired of doing all the work. All the heavy lifting, the worrying, the texting, making all the plans…I want somebody to make plans with me for once. Invite me out to dinner, or something. Text me goodnight. Call me when he's thinking of me. I just want somebody to be crazy about me.And I want to go back to the way I was.Where is that girl??And who is this person I have become?? Has the world really shaped me into this hardened, skittish, bitter, cynical, pessimist??I really am damaged goods.I think I may be losing faith in humanity.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I thought I could do this. But now I'm not so sure. ((Sigh))

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Finally Getting Somewhere

I took the job!
I start Wednesday.

As for everything else...I'm going down to 2 nights a week bartending. Just Friday and Saturday. And Brandon and I are...just friends. Really, actually, just friends. I really don't expect anything, other than friendship. And even though sometimes, I find myself hoping that maybe something could come from us being friends, I'm trying to let it go, and just...move on. And surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. I still have my breakdown moments, and it's a little weird at work, because I find myself slipping into my old habits of just...completely ignoring him. But then he walks up and starts talking to me, and I have to remind myself that it's ok! ((Sigh))
Anyway, I'm moving on with my life. This new job should be a nice change of pace, and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.