Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)

I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.

It Just Happens.

I had one of those awful dreams again. It was my maternal grandfather this time. Commonly known to me and the other grandkids as Poppa. Usually when I have dreams about friends or family members dying, I wake up and they always seem so...implausible. But this one was different. Poppa is old, and showing the early stages of Alzheimer's. I woke up crying, I don't know what time it was. It didn't even feel as if I'd been sleeping very long, because I fell asleep crying too. Friday was the anniversary of Oliver's death. I didn't realize it till I got home from work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the date, But as soon as I realized it was the 8th...I knew. That got me thinking about how it happened, the mental image in my head of Brandon carrying my limp, lifeless puppy across the feeder road, where he laid him in a dense patch of trees. His eternal resting place. I just kept thinking that I would have never made it through that without Brandon. And that is one of the fondest memories I have of him.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.

The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.

And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.

The Clincher

Well...the date with Cali last night didn't go exactly as I'd hoped. Well, the date itself was fine, but I was hoping it would reassure me about New Year's Eve. But it did just the opposite. And I was up all night panicking, and worrying, and second-guessing myself. So I consulted The Oracle of Izzie this morning about my dilemma, and she suggested I just tell him the truth. That he's nice, and I enjoy his company, but I'm just not...feeling it!
So I waited for him to write me an email, which he did, and then I responded in kind...

Ok, I’ve been mulling this over in my head for the past 12+ hours, and arguing with myself about it. And I know we haven’t had any conversations about this or anything, and I’m not exactly sure what your expectations are, but I really feel like I just need to be up front with you, because I don’t want to mislead you. I like you, and I think you’re a great guy, but I'm not sure I'm ready for what I think you’re looking for, and I don’t want to lead you on. I just… feel like I'm not really ready to date anyone. And that’s the God’s honest truth. I just can’t keep seeing you without letting you know how I feel. I mean, it wasn’t too long ago that I got out of a serious relationship, and right now, the idea of being with someone just kind of freaks me out. Sorry, if that sounds bad, but…I don’t really know how else to put it. I thought that I was ready to date, but I guess I’m just not. Please don't think I went into this with false intentions. I was trying to take things slowly in hopes that something would jump out at me but it still hasn’t, and I wanted to let you know. I know this is horrible timing and I’m really sorry, but I didn’t want to take it any further without being honest with you. If you decide you want to make other plans for new year’s eve, I totally understand, and I won’t be mad or anything. It’s completely up to you.

I sent him that from my work email address, and then forwarded it Izzie, from my private account. When I went back to my private account, I noticed I had a message from Cali, received at almost the exact time I sent him mine! This is what it said:

Peyton,

I just called your cell, but no answer.

I had a good time last night, but I get that feeling we're still testing the waters in terms of where this will go…friends, more than friends, etc.? At least that's how I feel. My point is, if you're not feeling it, and would rather just spend NYE with your friends, I certainly understand. There will be plenty of other times we can hang out and see if there's something there between us;

Let me know...

Apparently, we both had the same thing on our brains, which was kind of a relief. So I wrote him back:

Lol, wow what are the odds. Sorry, I went downstairs with a coworker to let the pizza guy in, and then we were all eating, so I just saw that you called, read your emails, etc… If you call me when I’m still at work, I won’t be able to talk, because there is absolutely no privacy in this office. Lol. But I’m leaving at 4 for sure. As for New Years, you’re still more than welcome to come with us. I mean, it’s gonna be a lot of fun, but if you would rather do something with YOUR friends, that’s totally understandable. I mean, I know you don’t really know any of my friends, and I don’t want you to feel obligated to come. So it’s completely up to you.

Now, here's the clincher. I sat and waited for an hour, for him to return from lunch, wondering if he would still be accompanying me tomorrow or not. Then finally, around 2pm, I got his response...

Hey Peyton,

This is too funny. Both thinking and writing the same thing at the same time! Here are my thoughts: there was an initial attraction, well, let me speak for myself, I know I was definitely attracted to you (and still am - I think you're a beautiful girl). However, it felt like we couldn't get past that point...we never left the starting gate so to speak. It feels like we've been trying to make something work, instead of it just happening, like it should. I don't know, maybe it was the lack of communication, in terms of where this was headed and what each of us expected out of it. I just got out of a serious relationship too. Actually, to be more precise, I was married. That ended about 6 months ago. She moved back to California and I stayed here in Texas - long sad story behind that one. So I'm not looking to jump back into a long term relationship either. I'm still picking up the pieces, doing some self reflection, trying to figure things out, etc. I was certainly going to tell you all this, but it just never felt like the time was right; hopefully that doesn't upset you.
As for new years, I think I'm either going to go to Austin with one of my friends or just hang here with some friends. I'm sure I'd have a great time with you, but it would just be a little weird - if you know what I mean. I really do hope we can stay friends, and I'm very sincere about that. I'm still relatively new to this town, and my friends are mostly limited to the people I work with. Your emails crack me up and I think we've always been able to click in that regard. Which is why I don't understand why we couldn't get off the ground in person? Anyway, I have some cute friends, and perhaps one day when you're ready for a relationship I can introduce you to one of them! ;-) Let's keep in touch, ok? Happy new year Peyton!

WTF?!?! MARRIED?!?! How could he just not tell me something like that!! As soon as I read that, all the blood rushed to my face. I felt like hyperventilating, or crying, or shouting. I felt REALLY REALLY WEIRD. I felt betrayed. I felt like all the opinions I'd formed about him, everything I thought I knew about him, was based on something that was a total lie! Now I'm not sure I ever wanna talk to him again! It's like he just revealed to me that he secretly works for the FBI and his real name is Bob Flannigan!
And it's not that I'm mad that he was married; I'm mad that he didn't tell me. I mean, that's not something you should keep from someone you're dating, even if it is casual. Because eventually, when it becomes serious, it just gets harder and harder to tell that person, and easier and easier to avoid the subject. And ultimately, people end up getting hurt. BAD IDEA. I'm ALWAYS honest with people up front. God, I wonder if he has any kids!! I haven't written him back, and I'm not sure I'm going to. ((Sigh)) I dunno what I'm gonna do.
All I know is, I'm flying solo on New Year's Eve this year.

I thought I could do this. But now I'm not so sure. ((Sigh))