Well...the date with Cali last night didn't go exactly as I'd hoped. Well, the date itself was fine, but I was hoping it would reassure me about New Year's Eve. But it did just the opposite. And I was up all night panicking, and worrying, and second-guessing myself. So I consulted The Oracle of Izzie this morning about my dilemma, and she suggested I just tell him the truth. That he's nice, and I enjoy his company, but I'm just not...feeling it!
So I waited for him to write me an email, which he did, and then I responded in kind...
Ok, I’ve been mulling this over in my head for the past 12+ hours, and arguing with myself about it. And I know we haven’t had any conversations about this or anything, and I’m not exactly sure what your expectations are, but I really feel like I just need to be up front with you, because I don’t want to mislead you. I like you, and I think you’re a great guy, but I'm not sure I'm ready for what I think you’re looking for, and I don’t want to lead you on. I just… feel like I'm not really ready to date anyone. And that’s the God’s honest truth. I just can’t keep seeing you without letting you know how I feel. I mean, it wasn’t too long ago that I got out of a serious relationship, and right now, the idea of being with someone just kind of freaks me out. Sorry, if that sounds bad, but…I don’t really know how else to put it. I thought that I was ready to date, but I guess I’m just not. Please don't think I went into this with false intentions. I was trying to take things slowly in hopes that something would jump out at me but it still hasn’t, and I wanted to let you know. I know this is horrible timing and I’m really sorry, but I didn’t want to take it any further without being honest with you. If you decide you want to make other plans for new year’s eve, I totally understand, and I won’t be mad or anything. It’s completely up to you.
I sent him that from my work email address, and then forwarded it Izzie, from my private account. When I went back to my private account, I noticed I had a message from Cali, received at almost the exact time I sent him mine! This is what it said:
I just called your cell, but no answer.
I had a good time last night, but I get that feeling we're still testing the waters in terms of where this will go…friends, more than friends, etc.? At least that's how I feel. My point is, if you're not feeling it, and would rather just spend NYE with your friends, I certainly understand. There will be plenty of other times we can hang out and see if there's something there between us;
Let me know...
Apparently, we both had the same thing on our brains, which was kind of a relief. So I wrote him back:
Lol, wow what are the odds. Sorry, I went downstairs with a coworker to let the pizza guy in, and then we were all eating, so I just saw that you called, read your emails, etc… If you call me when I’m still at work, I won’t be able to talk, because there is absolutely no privacy in this office. Lol. But I’m leaving at 4 for sure. As for New Years, you’re still more than welcome to come with us. I mean, it’s gonna be a lot of fun, but if you would rather do something with YOUR friends, that’s totally understandable. I mean, I know you don’t really know any of my friends, and I don’t want you to feel obligated to come. So it’s completely up to you.
Now, here's the clincher. I sat and waited for an hour, for him to return from lunch, wondering if he would still be accompanying me tomorrow or not. Then finally, around 2pm, I got his response...
This is too funny. Both thinking and writing the same thing at the same time! Here are my thoughts: there was an initial attraction, well, let me speak for myself, I know I was definitely attracted to you (and still am - I think you're a beautiful girl). However, it felt like we couldn't get past that point...we never left the starting gate so to speak. It feels like we've been trying to make something work, instead of it just happening, like it should. I don't know, maybe it was the lack of communication, in terms of where this was headed and what each of us expected out of it. I just got out of a serious relationship too. Actually, to be more precise, I was married. That ended about 6 months ago. She moved back to California and I stayed here in Texas - long sad story behind that one. So I'm not looking to jump back into a long term relationship either. I'm still picking up the pieces, doing some self reflection, trying to figure things out, etc. I was certainly going to tell you all this, but it just never felt like the time was right; hopefully that doesn't upset you.
As for new years, I think I'm either going to go to Austin with one of my friends or just hang here with some friends. I'm sure I'd have a great time with you, but it would just be a little weird - if you know what I mean. I really do hope we can stay friends, and I'm very sincere about that. I'm still relatively new to this town, and my friends are mostly limited to the people I work with. Your emails crack me up and I think we've always been able to click in that regard. Which is why I don't understand why we couldn't get off the ground in person? Anyway, I have some cute friends, and perhaps one day when you're ready for a relationship I can introduce you to one of them! ;-) Let's keep in touch, ok? Happy new year Peyton!
WTF?!?! MARRIED?!?! How could he just not tell me something like that!! As soon as I read that, all the blood rushed to my face. I felt like hyperventilating, or crying, or shouting. I felt REALLY REALLY WEIRD. I felt betrayed. I felt like all the opinions I'd formed about him, everything I thought I knew about him, was based on something that was a total lie! Now I'm not sure I ever wanna talk to him again! It's like he just revealed to me that he secretly works for the FBI and his real name is Bob Flannigan!
And it's not that I'm mad that he was married; I'm mad that he didn't tell me. I mean, that's not something you should keep from someone you're dating, even if it is casual. Because eventually, when it becomes serious, it just gets harder and harder to tell that person, and easier and easier to avoid the subject. And ultimately, people end up getting hurt. BAD IDEA. I'm ALWAYS honest with people up front. God, I wonder if he has any kids!! I haven't written him back, and I'm not sure I'm going to. ((Sigh)) I dunno what I'm gonna do.
All I know is, I'm flying solo on New Year's Eve this year.