Thursday, July 29, 2010

Next Time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Well, not really posted. I have a lot to write about actually, I just...haven't really been in the mood to blog. But now I have lots to write about so here goes...

Things with Todd and I have not improved. At all. In fact, I would say they're much worse. Apparently Laura told him about our conversation a few months ago, and not only did she make me out to be the devil's advocate, but she completely forgot to mention all the talking she did as well. ((Sigh)) It wasn't even like we were sitting there talking shit about Todd, we were just...commiserating. But it's my fault for thinking I could seek solace in my best friend's ex girlfriend. So now he thinks that I said he's turned into this huge, stuck-up, douchebag, famewhore. Ugh. And I even told him that I'm really truly sorry for saying anything at all, even though it wasn't that. And he just said, "I'm not mad, I'm just shocked. Sorry doesn't cut it."
So...WTF? What else can I do??
So I just said, "Well there's nothing else I can do or say, Todd. Either you accept my apology or you don't. Is this something we're gonna be able to get past? Because I just wish things could go back to the way they were."
To which he replied, "Yes, but I don't wanna think about this right now. I just need some time."
That was like 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

But, even though my relationship with Todd is heading in a southerly direction, one of my other friendships has improved. I met up with Law School finally, and we hashed everything out. I told him that I knew about the text messages between he and Melissa, and the shit talking, and the lying, and hiding things from me. He sincerely apologized and said the only reason he didn't tell me, was because he believed he was doing the right thing. He said since Melissa and I had been friends for longer than Law School and I, he thought it was only fair to defer to me and Melissa's friendship, and she didn't want to tell me. Although I don't think I would have done the same thing in that situation, I just decided I'm not going to dwell on it. I mean, he obviously felt bad, and put in the effort to show me he felt bad, so I should just forgive and forget, right? He and Melissa hardly even talk anymore, he said. But that doesn't matter either. He and I have texted back and forth a few times through out the week, and he's called me a couple times. So things between he and I are back to normal, I would say.

In other news, lots of stuff coming up! This coming Monday is my bar's annual boat party/staff outing! I'm so excited! and then on Thursday, I leave for Orlando to go to Harry Potter Wizarding World with Dad and Sophie!!! I'm even more excited for that! Oh, and did I tell you I bought my plane ticket to Chicago for Christmas?? :D
I only have one more month of working at my day job. I can't wait till September, ahhh! I'll have my life back again! When I'm in Chicago, Sophie and I are going to visit 2 campuses of schools that I'm interested in. And once I have my days free I'm going to start spending a lot more time thinking about schools, and working on my photography portfolio. Only problem is, my lease is about to be up, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that... But that's another can of worms I'm just not ready to acknowledge yet.

Oh, and I supposed I should update you guys on Kevin. I have no updates. ((Sigh)) I stopped texting him, and he stopped texting me. Of course it was always me initiating it, so that was a red flag right there. I did run into him last night and it was just...meh. No butterflies or anxiety about seeing him, just "hey". So it's definitely over between us, if there ever was anything to end. Oh well. Better luck next time?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Only In Dreams

He was so beautiful, but young. Too young. And why would he be
interested in me anyway? Guys at his age usually just wanna mess
around, be single and have a good time.
But there we were; he sat on the ground in front of me, with his back
pressed against my chest. My arms were wrapped loosely around his
midsection and my head rested comfortably on his shoulder. Then he
turned around and just kissed me.
I smiled, because I knew in that moment that nothing else mattered. So
what if he's a couple years younger than me? Who cares what people

Three months later we were still together, still happy, falling in
love. He was my world, and I was his.

And I know He's out there somewhere. Whoever He is.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

What's Going On With My Guys??

A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 days, surprisingly, so I'm just going to start from the beginning.

Tuesday after work, I went up to my bar because they were testing out some new menu items and the managers asked us to come try it out. So Ali and I met up, and decided to hang out at my bar till the industry party, which didn't start till 11. I almost changed my mind about going, but I was already out, so I figured what the hell.
So Ali and I were sitting in a booth, chatting and killing time, and we were both messing around on Facebook, when I noticed some pictures of Todd and Laura. Together! So I immediately texted Laura, to find out if they were back together, and she said that yes, they had started talking again, and things were going great. And you have no idea how relieved and happy I was to hear this, because...after everything that's happened, I do think that Laura is the best thing for Todd right now. I don't know about for forever, but for now I think she's good for him. And they make each other happy, so I'm happy. So I sent Todd a text message...
"Hey Todd! I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but Laura told me you 2 are talking again and I just wanted to tell you that I think that's so great and I'm really, truly happy for you guys!"

Then he responded with,

"I'm not gonna lie Peyton, I'm a little hurt by what I've heard. She told me that you called her telling her that I was dating a girl with STDs and that I had changed a lot with the whole NFL mentality. What hurts the most is that you told her a month after we had supposedly resolved things. Then I flew in and out just for your birthday cause I wanted to show you how much our friendship meant to me. That's why I haven't talked to you, just didn't know what to say..."

I was so shocked and hurt when I read that. I mean...I thought we were past this? And honestly, I can't even remember exactly what I said to Laura that day she called me. But I know I didn't tell her he was dating someone with STDs! Maybe I might have said something jokingly, or flippant, and she took it the wrong way, but I wouldn't have said that to her, even if it was true, because that would only hurt her feelings. So I wrote back,

"What?? I never said you were dating a girl with stds, I don't know who has stds or not. Honestly I do think you've changed though, not necessarily for the worst, just different. You're more distant. I don't have any feelings for you in that way anymore, and I've figured out a lot of things. I was afraid of losing you as a friend and as an important person in my life and so I thought I must have romantic feelings for you. But in retrospect, I realize that we don't have that kind of chemistry. I love you as a friend and just want you to be happy. I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Laura. And I hope for that reason, you don't feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING that happened last Feb. Laura and I did talk twice. Once on FB and once she called me and we just talked...as girls. No shit talking about you. I'm sorry that you think that. But ever since the Jayme situation I've felt very discredited as far as you're concerned. It's like you don't believe anything I say anymore."

Todd: Well that's what she said, she would have no reason to lie. Same stuff I heard from you directly while everything was going on...

Me: I'm not going to play he said she said. Believe what you want, Todd. All of that shit is in the past. I don't even think about it anymore. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. Your prerogative. Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you

Todd: Ok well thank you, with the family, let's talk soon.

Me: Ok

I tried to put our conversation out of my mind after that, in order to have a good time, but I definitely thought about it most of yesterday. And today, I talked to Bethany about it, and she said I should definitely call him, or run the risk of him thinking I don't really care. So I sent him another text about 20 minutes ago, that said,

"Hey Todd. I know you're upset, and you think all these shiteous things about me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. About everything. I'm not going to try to justify my actions or even explain myself, because I feel like that would be pointless. I meant what I said about being happy for you and Laura. I really do just want the best for you. I hate arguing, or whatever it is we're doing, with you. It's just not in our dynamic. And I just...don't want to do it anymore."

Now I'm just waiting for him to respond. So! Back to Tuesday night.
I did go to the industry party, and it sucked. Ali and I went together, but it ended up just being she and I, then Greg, and his girlfriend, and Brandon. So it was really awkward. And the party itself was lame, there was no free anything, like there usually is at those kind of things, so I ended up going home around 12:30, feeling rather blue. It's still too weird for me to be around Brandon in a small group. Work is one thing but...I dunno. I just couldn't stomach it.

So yesterday, Wednesday, I texted with Kevin all day, again, waiting and wondering if and when he was ever going to ask me out, and starting to lose my patience! And I also sent a text message to Evan, who I haven't heard from in like a million years! I've been pestering him for the past week, but he hasn't been in touch. Loser! On my way home from work, he finally called me! He said he's been busy with work, and he doesn't really go out anymore, he's practically married, etc... It was kind of sad talking to him, just because we've drifted apart so much, and he's moved on to the next stage in life, and I haven't. ((Sigh))
But at least we finally talked. He said he was afraid I was going to yell at him for being MIA for so long, and I said, "Well that wasn't so bad, was it?" And he laughed, and promised to keep in touch.

When I got home, I finally just sucked it up and asked Kevin if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he took so long to respond, that I was already mentally writing him off, when he finally wrote back.

"Yes, does tomorrow count as the weekend? lol. My buddy is having his bach party in Vegas Friday-Sunday. I'd like to hang out though."

So I wrote back, "I suppose tomorrow can count ;)"

We chatted back and forth a bit more, but he didn't say anything else about us hanging out. So now we have these tentative plans for this afternoon, but I'm almost halfway expecting him to blow me off or something. ((sigh)) Ugh...

Ok so this morning, when my alarm went off, I reached over to my phone, to silence it, and noticed that I had 3 text messages.
From Law School.
That immediately woke me up.

LS: Hey...I know you don't want to talk to me. But, I actually have friends visiting from home this weekend, the first guy got in town tonight and I brought him to [my bar].
LS: I thought of you...just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you. I just got my own place, maybe you can come by sometime, or I'll see you otherwise. Ciao!
LS: And...I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I've held that in for a while, but I mean it.

So I laid in bed, thinking about what he said, and mulling things over, and I decided I should talk to him. Finally. Maybe he really is sorry. And he's definitely put in the effort to talk to me, so I should give him a second chance. ((Sigh))

So when I got to work this morning, I wrote him back...

Me: I think you misunderstand my reasons for not talking to you, [Law School]. My feelings being hurt is just...collateral damage. If you want to talk, then you better be prepared to listen.

LS: Fair enough, I will always listen no matter how bad it is, as long as it is talking, not yelling.

Me: I wasn't planning to yell, or talk shit. Just enlighten you.

LS: I understood. :) Just putting the caveat out there. How have you been otherwise?

Me: Swell.

LS: Swell as in good or swell as in the water is rising?? Haha

Me: You realize I can't just sit here and make cutsie banter with you until we hash this out, right?? Because I'm willing to talk, but I haven't decided about anything else yet. And you might not even WANT to talk to me again.

LS: Haha. I'm very aware. What I've always like about you, Peyton, is that you don't let me press buttons. I respect that, because I'll try just to see if I can.

LS: And, to be completely honest, I'm not worried about not wanting to talk to you. I think I'm pretty objective about things and have no problem saying, "my fault".

Me: Ok then.

LS: Ok, next week. Or maybe Sunday. You can pick the battle zone :)

I haven't responded to his last text yet, because I haven't decided when or where I want to meet up with him, but...I think at least this is headed in the right direction. It will feel good to finally explain to him that it wasn't him dating Melissa that hurt me the most. It was them lying to me and hiding it from me, and talking shit about me behind my back! So I'll definitely keep you guys posted on that.

But mostly, I'm worried about my relationship with Todd. I just want things to go back the way they were, before I ever told him I had feelings for him. It was stupid. I was stupid. I ruined everything. Now what??

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Read Between The Lines

Ok it's been almost a week since Kevin and I went out, and he hasn't asked me out since! What the hell??? He texts me like all day, every day, but never says anything about us hanging out. I just can't get a read on him. Is he just too shy? Too busy? Or is he not that into me. I think I may have to go back and read that book, He's Just Not That Into You and build up some resolve. ((Sigh))
Tonight I'm going to some industry party for Grand Marnier with my coworkers, so that should be fun. It's been a while since I've been to one of those, and the always promise a good time! My only concern is getting home early enough (and sober enough) to get up in time for work tomorrow morning.
Speaking of work, I've decided I'm quitting my day job. It's just time for me to move on. I'm not happy here, and I'm wasting just as much time in this crap job as I was bartending. And I just can't seem to get anything done as long as I'm working these crazy 50 hour work weeks. So I'm going to put in my 2 weeks when I get back from my vacation in Orlando, and I'm going to go back to bartending full time, while I apply for schools and visit campuses. I've already talked to Mr. P about it, and he suggested I come back when football season starts, because they'll have more hours, and that way I won't have to struggle to pay my bills. So that's my plan. And I feel really good about it actually. Just knowing that I've made the decision.
I've been looking into schools in Chicago, Seattle and Boston. Big cities, where I won't mind moving by myself. Even though I will have Sophie, Brent and Taylor in Chicago, if that's where I end up going. And that's definitely my first choice. But now I have to start preparing a portfolio. And that's not going to be easy. I'm already stressing out about it. Ugh...
Sunday night, I met up with Taryn, her old friend Christa, who is awesome, and this guy she's kind of talking to, Brad. I really like Brad too. He's funny, and nice, and easy to talk to. They dated before, but Taryn wasn't ready for a relationship, so she broke it off with him, but now they're talking again. So anyways, I met the 3 of them at a wine bar in the Heights, and we had a great time just talking and hanging out. After that, we walked down to a restaurant down the way, and JC met us all there for dinner. I texted Kevin while we were there, because we just happened to be walking distance from his apartments. I told him he should meet us, and he said he was really considering it, but was too tired, sunburned, and busy with unpacking. He went to Austin this past weekend, and spent the whole time out on Lake Travis, so I guess that's understandable. But after that, I decided I'm not going to invite him out again, or suggest I come over and help him unpack, even if it did work last time. I'm just going to wait for him to make the next move, as annoying as that is.
I do think I will mention the industry party to Dave, and see if I can't get him to go, and bring Kevin. Lol. Passive aggressive, I know, but oh well. Wish me luck!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Meet Kevin


THAT was/is my first reaction to Kevin. He is SOOO different from what I was expecting, but in a good way! A pleasantly surprising way actually.
First of all, he's totally loaded. I mean I knew he had money, but I didn't know he would be that well off. So that definitely took me be surprise. It's almost a little intimidating, because I'm definitely not rich, and the richest guy I've ever dated was Friend Boy. I dunno if you guys remember him, but he was a little too...flashy with his money. And it was annoying. But Kevin is totally not like that. He dresses like a surfer/skater dude or something. Stylish, but understated. Granted, he does live in a high rise corner apartment, 2 bedroom, 2 bath, with a breathtaking view of the downtown skyline, by himself, and he drives a Mercedes E-Class Coupe, and a Mini Cooper, but still those are all things that I obviously would not have known, had I not been to his house yesterday.
Second, he talks, practically nonstop! Which is great, because conversation flowed easily, and we talked about all kinds of things, and there were no awkward silences.
Third, he has more kitchen appliances and gadgets than James Bond and Martha Stewart put together. Lol. Our project yesterday was to unpack and organize his kitchen, and he literally has everything that makes anything. Lol, salad maker, egg cooker, juicer, the fanciest toaster oven I've ever seen... Sheesh! Apparently he cooks. Oh, and he had like...FIFTY bottles of wine in his pantry!! He said he collects it. And collect he does, it's almost as bad as me and books.
And finally, he's an even bigger dork than I thought he was. I mean, all the kitchen appliances were my first clue. But after talking to him a while, I started to notice how animated and excited he would get when talking about certain things, the way a computer nerd gushes about motherboards or something. Sometimes, it was as if he were talking to me like an old friend, and I got to see who he really is, ya know? But he definitely had me laughing a lot, and I definitely had a good time. After we unpacked all his kitchen boxes, he took me out for sushi. And he opened the car door for me. Both times. Very chivalrous. He ordered like 10 things off the menu, and insisted that I try one of everything he ordered. Lol. And we sat and just talked. He's from New York, moved here for work, and been here for 3 years. He literally knows like all my Houston friends. In fact, he started a limo company, and Mr. P, Frank, and The Albanian are some of his business partners! What a small world...
And I just kept marveling at how it happened that we only just met, and he just said he's not a big party goer. He knows all the people, but he's more of a behind the scenes kinda guy. So that's cool. I definitely don't wanna date someone who's huge into bar scene, but I do wanna be able to go out and have a good time with a guy, when the mood strikes. So he pretty much meets all of my qualifications!
But there is something. One small, tiny thing that kinda bugs me. There's just something about him that seems...less than confident. I don't know why, but that lack of outward confidence makes me feel like maybe he's not masculine enough? And I know that's totally shallow, and nit picky of me to say, it's just...I dunno. I guess I had to find something wrong with him, right?
Well as we were pulling up to his apartments after dinner, he asked if I'd be up for a Round 2 of unpacking, because he "could definitely use the help", and I readily agreed. We both have pretty busy weekends ahead, I'm working today and tomorrow, and he might be heading to Austin, but I'm confident that we'll get together again soon. I have a good feeling about this one. :)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

So I Met This Guy...

So my 4th of July weekend was pretty relaxed. Well...most of it anyway. Bethany and I finally talked and worked things out. Apparently we'd both been feeling a little slighted by each other. And we both apologized and promised to hang out and call each other more. And so far, so good!
Sunday, a small group of us went out on the boat, but we didn't bring the wakeboards or the tube or anything cuz we figured there would be too many people out on the lake. Even though it ended up being a very quiet day at the lake. But we just docked on the sandbar and hung out. We only stayed for a few hours, since we didn't really have anything to do, so we got back well before dark. Then we all went home, washed up and met for dinner. Summer had to leave early to go to work, but Bethany and I, Ben, and some of his friends all headed out to the Washington strip for drinks. I wasn't intending to stay out too late, because even though I didn't have to go to work the next day, I figured I would anyway, just to get the hours.
But then I met Kevin. Lol. Kevin is a friend of a friend, and as it turns out, we have a lot of friends in common, including Bethany, and I still can't fathom how it is that we've never met before now! But I saw Bethany stop to say hi to him, and when she got back to the table, I immediately asked her who he was. He's about 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, a boyish smile, and a great sense of style. Meaning, he doesn't go out in True Religion jeans and a button up shirt like every other douchebag on Washington.
So as soon as I expressed my interest to Bethany, she insisted we go over and talk to them, so that I could meet him. And we did! After a while, Bethany left us to go back to the table where Ben and his friends were sitting, but I stayed to hang out with Kevin and Dave, our mutual friend. Dave tends to get a little crazy when he drinks, ordering shots for everyone, etc. And I was feeling a little tired, so we immediately took a couple shots, "to wake me up". Haha. It wasn't exactly the right setting for Kevin and I to sit and talk, but Dave insisted that I go with them to the next bar. So I said I would talk to my friends, and hopefully meet them there. And they left.
Well, when we got to the next bar, they had already moved on! And I had no idea where they'd gone, so I texted Dave. And he must have been a bit tipsy by this point, because as many time as I told him I didn't drive, and I didn't have a car, he kept telling me to come meet them at Nox. And Nox was not walking distance from where I was! Finally Dave said his phone was about to die, and to text Kevin. He gave me Kevin's number, and I immediately texted him. But by this time, it was about 1am. Bethany had already turned in for the night, and I ended up running into a bunch of people from my bar, so I just hung out with them. Kevin was texting me that he wanted to come meet me, but he couldn't find Dave, and he needed to close the tab.
Well, at the end of the night, we were still texting, but I never saw him again, and I ended up going home, still with good intentions of going to work the next day.
Yea, that didn't happen! Lol. I was way too tired when my alarm went off, three and a half hours later! So I just stayed home. Oh well, National Holiday, I thought to myself as I rolled over and went back to sleep.

So the past 3 days that have gone by, Kevin and I have been texting each other back and forth. And I've been trying, quite unsuccessfully, to get a read on him. I even tried pumping Dave for information, but he was no help. He just kept telling me to "hang out with him, make friends, and see what happens." Or to just "get drunk and have sex with him. Bahaha." ((sigh))
And although Kevin has continued to engage me in text message conversations, there hasn't been any talk of hanging out! So by yesterday afternoon I was really starting to lose my patience with him. So finally I just asked, "Sooo...did you wanna hang out or something, or what?"
Kevin: Yes, I do...
Kevin: I have to get fitted for new running shoe inserts at 6-7.
Me: Lol you're a dork. Well I didn't mean like...right now.
Kevin: Haha ya, a huge dork.
Me: Well don't worry, we have that in common.
Kevin: Well I'm taking back the huge dork part, maybe just a little. haha.
Me: Awe!

At this point, I went over to Bethany's to have dinner and hang out, since she was leaving for Florida, to visit her boyfriend the next day. So Kevin didn't respond for a while. But then around 8, I got another text from him.

Kevin: Got my new sneakers you want to run in the rain?!
Me: Lol it's not raining anymore!

Another hour goes by...

Kevin: You missed the run and I still have no help unpacking.
Me: Ahh that's a shame! Well I was helping Bethany pack for her trip. I can help you unpack tomorrow if ya want!
Kevin: Sounds like a great idea!

Kevin is in the process of moving into a new place, so he's been spending most of his free time moving and unpacking boxes, with no help. :( So the other day, I told him I might be persuaded to help him unpack, and he said, "I think I can work on that!"

So we finally have plans tonight! I think... I hope...
I'm gonna take it slow with him. Bethany said he's a relationship kinda guy, and Dave said he's not a player, and I dunno, I think I'm a relationship kinda girl. So I'm just gonna see what happens. I'm obviously NOT going to sleep with him, but a kiss? Maybe... :)

I'll keep you guys posted!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Fairweather Friend Dilemma

Internet is STILL down at my apartments. Ugh...

Anyways, I spent the past week trying to figure out what exactly I want to accomplish in therapy. And I finally figured it out. I need answers. Answers to questions that I've been asking myself for probably about a year now. And since I am still no closer to finding those answers, I decided I needed some help. And here are the questions...

1) Why am I not over Brandon? Is it because I still love him? Is is because I didn't have another guy to move on to right away? Is it because we see each other too much? Is it because he's moved on and I haven't?

2) What am I doing with my life? I need a goal, a path, something to look forward to and aim for, career-wise.

3) Why do all my friends suck?? And by "all" I really mean "most", because I do have a couple good, reliable friends.

So after 3 sessions of therapy, I am finding it a lot easier to open up, and just...talk. It's not as awkward to me anymore, I just let it all out. And I am starting to get closer to answering my questions. We are starting to crack the shell.

The first question: Brandon. I do still care about him, obviously, but I know in my heart, that even if he came crawling back with a diamond ring in tow, that it could never work between us. I would never be able to fully trust him again, or feel secure in a relationship with him. And I would never be able to get over the way he ended things. And that seems to be the problem. The way he ended things. Kind of suddenly, and so...finally. Like slamming a door shut, and locking it. That's it. Break ups for me have never been that cut and dry. That final. And obviously, seeing him at work every weekend doesn't help. But distractions (i.e. Gavin) don't really seem to be helping in the long run either. Although, I'm definitely not ready to give up on Gavin just yet. More on that in a minute.

The second question: my future. I need to move on from this job. My 2 office mates have both been offered permanent positions with the company, and I have not. Which leaves me to wonder why that is. And while I could spend sleepless nights worrying and debating over this, I'm not going to, because frankly, it doesn't matter. I never intended to stay here forever. I don't even like this job. The only thing intellectually stimulating about it is the books I read during all my downtime. Which, very well could be the reason I'm not being offered a permanent position. But I'm not willing to give up my books. Not happening. That's about the only thing keeping me sane right now. And don't you guys go off talking shit, telling me I should be working, not reading, because trust me. I get my work done. And every one in this office has prolific amounts of spare time. It's just that most of them use that time to shop online, or read celebrity gossip blogs whereas, I read books. So I think it's time to move on from this. I don't want to get stuck in limbo again, like I did with bartedngin. And I know I want to go back to school, and I feel like I really need to get out of Houston. But there are just so many things I need to do in order to make that happen, and that stresses me out. So my therapist is going to help me with that.

And finally, the third question: my friends. Let me start off by telling you the most recent incident I had, with Bethany. After we went out on the boat a couple weeks ago, and I had so much fun, that I couldn't stop thinking about it, I was really looking forward to last Sunday, when I could finally go out on the boat again. And Bethany and I instant messaged about it, and I asked her if we were going this [past] Sunday, and she said yes, and I told her how excited I was, etc. Then on Wednesday, I texted Marc, just to make sure everything was still on, and he said he wasn't sure he was going to have enough room, because his girlfriend, Rae, had invited all her friends. So I told him to keep me posted, and he said he'd let me know by Saturday afternoon. I relayed all this info to Bethany, and she said, "If Rae's friends are going, I dunno if I'm gonna go, cuz her friends suck! They're all stuck-up, high maintenance chicks. It's not gonna be as fun with them around."
And I said, "Well...I've never met any of them, so I'm willing to take that chance."
"Well, ok, if you still want to go, I'll go with you. If not, we can lay out at my pool or something on Sunday."
So I agreed.

So Saturday afternoon, I texted Bethany again, and asked her if she'd talked to Marc at all, and she said no, so I texted him. And he said, "Well right now we've got about 11 people, so it's lookin' like we're pretty full."
I replied, "Oh ok, well if anyone doesn't show up, let me know!"
And he promised he would.
Again, I relayed this info back to Bethany, she didn't respond. I went to work Saturday night, in a very good mood, on account of Gavin and I hooking up the night before. Then Sunday morning, I woke up earlier than normal, around 10:30 or so, and texted Bethany.
"Hey do you still wanna go lay out today?"
Then she called me.

Me: Hello?
B: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Nothing, I just woke up. Did you still wanna go to the pool?
B: Well I'm on my way to Marc's.
Me: Oh.
[Wind suddenly out of my sails]
B: Summer called me like an hour ago and she was like, "Get up, we're goin' on the boat", so I just got up, got dressed and left.
Me: Ok...
B: She didn't call you?
[As if she didn't know.]
Me: Ummm...no...
B: Oh, well--
Me: Hey I gotta go, I'm on the other line.
B: Oh, ok well I won't keep you then.
Me: Ok bye.

I rolled over in bed and literally wanted to cry. I don't even know why. I just couldn't believe she would do that to me. She knew how much I wanted to go. She knew! It was all I'd been talking about all week! And if I had been in her shoes, I would have told Summer to call her and invite her! Or I would have stayed home, and hung out with her like we'd planned. ((Sigh)) She really, really hurt my feelings. And she really let me down. Again. It felt just like it did when she told me she wouldn't be here for my birthday, because she would be in Florida, visiting her boyfriend. Seems like all my friends have other friends they would rather hang out with. It hurts to be no one's first priority.

So I went to the pool with Ali that day, and had a decent time, but I wasn't feeling very social, and I was pretty upset and irritable for most of the day, though I tried my best to hide it. Bethany texted me later on and said, "Be glad you didn't come out on the boat, Rae's friends suck! This is no fun."
I started to type back, "It doesn't really matter, you know, since I wasn't invited." But I deleted it and tossed my phone back in my bag. No response would be better.

I haven't talked to her since that morning. And when I told my therapist everything, it occurred to me that the reason these things upset me so much is because I would never do something like that to a friend. I would have made sure she could come along, or I would have stayed with her, without even a second's thought. I'm a good friend, and I'm doggedly loyal, but no one else seems to be. I just don't understand this. I don't understand how people can treat their friends this way. It's just like with Melissa and Law School. Just like with Alyssa not wanting me to be in her wedding. I have all these fairweather friends, who only stick around as long as it's convenient for them.
Right now, I only have 2 people I can really count on: Izzie, and Jenna. And of course, Izzie is in Austin, with her child and husband, and you know...her life. And Jenna lives with her boyfriend as well, but she's definitely more available to me, now that she lives in Houston again. She and I went and saw Eclipse together last night (SO GOOD!).

The third question: my friends. In my therapist's words, they don't provide me with the support that I need. I don't really have any one person I can always count on. Then the question she (my therapist) asked me was,
"So do feel you need to move somewhere else, and get a fresh start, or do you think you could find some new friends, and start over here?"

And that's another thing. I don't know.