WANTED: SINGLE LOCAL DUDE

Well I guess I may have spoken too soon about the Englishman. He sent me a facebook message today, and we ended up chatting for an hour or 2. It was a great conversation, but a little too redolent of the early days of Lane and I reconnecting. ((Sigh)) It's like...do I really wanna do all this again? I mean Jamie is great, and sexy, and British, and we have a lot in common...except for the fucking continent we live on. And that's way worse than here to California. Plus, there's his whole divorce thing. I suggested we chat using iMessage and he basically said he didn't want to do that in case someone else saw there was a girl texting him, because it could be used against him in divorce proceedings. ((Sigh)) So weird...
So I dunno. I'm still not totally over Lane. I'm doing much better, but all this has got me thinking about him again. It's just really frustrating because I feel like I went so many years without meeting anybody worth dating, and now I've met 2 great guys, and I can't date either of them because they don't fucking live here! What the deuce!? When am I gonna catch a break?!
Kevin called me today. He acted all cool and casual at first, and then he was like, "So what do you got goin on tonight?" And I basically told him nothing, and then he was like, "You wanna get together and make out later?"And I was like, "Uhhhhhh...." I mean literally, I was kind of speechless. How do you answer something like that when the answer in your mind is clearly, obviously, "NO"? I just answered his question with a question, and avoided giving him a straight answer until I was able to get off the phone. Most awkward conversation EVER. I told Jamie about it when we were talking and we both had a good laughed. But still...weird.
Anyway, Carrie is in town for the weekend. She's staying at Lauren's, but we're all gonna go out tomorrow night. So maybe we'll meet some cute single LOCALS! Who knows, but I'm sure it'll be fun either way.

My English Gentleman

Last night I went to this crazy Mardi Gras costume party. Very exclusive. Kevin invited me a while back and despite the way he's been acting lately, he said he still wanted me to go. So we had plans to meet at this bar and he and his friends had arranged for some sort of shuttle to take us to the venue. My plan was to Uber to the bar so I wouldn't have to drive, but there were no Ubers available because of all the parades and whatnot, so I had to call a regular taxi, which was going to mean I'd miss the shuttle. So Kevin told me to just meet him at the venue, and they'd probably be in the line. So I got there and called him, and their bus hadn't even gotten there yet! So basically, I ended up standing on a street corner alone for 45 minutes waiting in the freezing cold. But he ended up texting a friend of his, Dave, who was already in the line, and he was able to get me in. So Dave was with a small group, and he introduced me to everyone, but the most interesting person was definitely Jamie, the British guy. He was dressed in all pink, including a wig, and was apparently dressed as a rugby player. Turns out, he actually plays rugby (of course). Well we just sort of hit it off immediately, and were talking and found we had lots of common interests - books, BBC Tv, political views, etc. So it ended up just being Jamie and I at the bar alone and his other friends wandered off. Eventually we went into one of the stage rooms to find everybody. I still hadn't heard from Kevin, and it was close to midnight by this time. But then when we found Dave, he said he's just seen him! He didn't even text me to let me know he was there! And then Jamie kept saying, "Oh well we should probably go find him, since you need to say hi and everything." But I was hesitant to do so because of the way Kevin has been acting lately. Ever since I told him I just wanted to be friends, he's been kind of a dick. Trying to make me jealous, and just being generally immature. So I ended up explaining the whole situation to Jamie, who apparently had been under the impression that Kevin and I were some sort of item. I set him straight quickly though, and I told him I'd rather hang out with him than with Kevin. So I did! :)
And we had the best time. I didn't drink too much, which is good. Just enough to catch a buzz. And Jamie and I, both being virgins to this particular party, had a good time people watching. There were people there that were basically naked. Sooo that was interesting. He kept telling me I wasn't like any of the other American girls he'd met, because I'm much more progressive, and I'm very sarcastic, and straight forward, like British people. I laughed and said I'd take that as a compliment. At one point, we were on the dance floor and he was just staring at me, and I said, "What? Why are you staring at me like that?" and he said, "Because I'd really like to kiss you right now."
So I kissed him! It was wonderful. It felt so...organic. I just can't remember the last time I just met someone out of nowhere and liked him like that. I mean he's hot, he's tall, he has a sexy accent, and he's smart and well-read. What's not to like?? Well...there is the part about him living in Manchester. ((Sigh)) Why can't I ever find a good guy that lives HERE?! He's only going to be here till Wednesday. So after we kissed for a while, he asked me if I was free any time this week, because he'd like to see me again. And I told him I didn't really know what my schedule was yet (which is true), but that I'm sure I can squeeze him in. Then we went back to kissing.
Inevitably, I did have to go find Kevin and say hi. It would have been rude not to. So Jamie went off to find Dave, who was holding all his cash since Jamie didn't have any pockets lol, and I went to find Kevin. He was dancing, and super fucked up. Apparently he took ecstasy. ((rolls eyes)) He introduced me to a couple of his friends, but really didn't seem too interested in talking to me. Which was totally ok by me, cuz I just wanted to get back to Jamie, but I didn't want Kevin to see us together, because I figured...I dunno, that would just be too wrong, seeing as Kevin was the one who invited me to the party in the first place. So after Kevin and I chatted for a bit, I told him I was going to grab another drink, and went to find Jamie. Then we continued with our fun night. We stayed until the place shut down, around 4am, and then finally walked outside to find a taxi. I was really uncertain at this point about inviting him back to my place. I mean I wanted to, but 1) my place is a huge mess right now with all these puppies and 2) I told myself I wasn't going to have any more casual hookups, because ultimately, that's not what I'm looking for. But of course, I gave in, and invited him back with me. I mean he had no phone and no money and his friends were gone. I couldn't, in good conscious, leave this foreigner to fend for himself! I warned him about the puppies, and the messy house, but he said he loves puppies, and didn't care. Good thing it was dark. Lol.
So things went basically the way you'd expect. Except, I took off all my makeup. I wasn't worried about what he'd think. And he said I was beautiful. He also said he respected me, and we didn't have to anything I didn't wanna do, but I wanted to. So we did.
It's funny because he's very proper, in a way. He never swears, he apologizes constantly (which is definitely a British thing) and he was bashful to even say the words, "have sex". Lol. He was just kind of like, "Well if you want to..." and he sort of made this gesture that said, "you know what I mean" and I just laughed. While we were at the party, he actually used the words "make love". BAHA! He's so cute. And he literally could not keep his hands off me. Even when we were just laying there, he was constantly rubbing my back, my arms, anywhere my skin was exposed. It was heaven... The sun was up by the time we went to sleep. And it wasn't like real sleep. It was like a nap, followed by more sex, and then more napping. Around 4, we actually got out of bed, and then I drove him back to his friends house on my way to Bethany's for a Super Bowl Party. I only stayed for the first half though, cuz I was exhausted. Jamie doesn't have a working phone here, since he lives in England, but he told me he would Facebook message me. I'm still waiting for that to happen, but hopefully I see him again before he leaves. And if I don't, that's ok. I had a great time, and that's what matters.

AAA: Austin, Alcohol, and Anxiety

Ughhhh I started typing this last night, and then got into a long, trainwreck of a conversation with Lane, which I will blog about next time. Gonna finish this one first.

This will probably be brief, because I really just wanna veg out and watch tv right now, but I figured I should hurry up and write this before I forget. So day number 1 in Austin was great. Kevin was a little too touchy/feely for my comfort level, but it was his birthday, so I let it slide. He just kept giving me kisses. We had a connecting flight in Houston with a little bit of a layover, so he bought us drinks lol. Then we got the puddle jumper to Austin and headed to the hotel. It was like 10am, but they let us check in early, so that was lucky. Then we grabbed an Uber and headed to South Congress, where we ended up at a really good Tex Mex place. We sat at the bar, did a couple tequila shots, drank margs and ate chips & queso and just talked. The alcohol helped, of course, cuz I was feeling more comfortable with him once I was buzzed. But the PDA thing was starting to get out of hand. So eventually I had to say something. I just sorta mentioned that PDA isn't really my thing, and he shouldn't take it personally. But apparently, my opinions on the subject didn't seem to matter, because he just kept doing it. But we also kept getting drunker, so my tolerance for his behavior was going up instead of down. We met up with my cousin, Lexi, that night. She's in her last semester at UT. And that was perfect, because we were at this bar, where Kevin had friends from NOLA, and I didn't know them, so with Lexi there, I had someone to talk to and hang with. We were out on 6th street, surprisingly, for most of the night. It was just so crazy being back there after all these years. I felt really old lol. But all in all we had a really good time. I did tell Lexi about how the PDA thing was bugging me, and it was just kind of...TOO MUCH, and was like, "Yea, I can sorta tell."
I don't remember the ride back to the hotel, but I was nervous about him trying something. As luck would have it though, he passed out immediately with all his clothes and shoes on lol. So I just got ready for bed at my leisure and went to sleep unharassed.
Friday morning was brutal. I didn't sleep well at all the night before, I kept having insane dreams that were startling me awake and then I woke up super early with a really bad anxiety attack, which happens when I drink. So I got up, took a Xanax and went back to bed. I was finally sleeping well when Kevin woke me up and said he had a couple friends who wanted to meet up for lunch, and we needed to get ready to go.
Now I am NOT a morning person, and I don't like being rushed. I like to take my time, drink my coffee and not talk to anyone. But here Kevin is being all chipper and pestering me to hurry up and get ready, and I felt absolutely awful. Anxiety in full swing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel hungover, but maybe that's just because the anxiety was taking over all my senses. While I was still asleep, I had gotten a text from Lane about a dream he had. I'll paste.

We sorta kept chatting on and off throughout the next couple days, not about anything relevant really. Just small talk.

Well we finally got out of the hotel and went to meet Kevin's friends, which were these 2 Australian guys on a 6 week trip across the US. He met them at his bar too, like the day after he met me lol. But they were pretty cool. Only thing is, when they met us at the restaurant, I just couldn't deal. When I'm having a full blown anxiety attack, all I wanna do is be alone, and curl up in a ball somewhere. I can't socialize, I can't go anywhere, I just CAN'T. I can't with anything. And that's how I was feeling. I was also really super tired. So I think those Aussies got a really bad first impression of me. And of course, Kevin kept rubbing my knee under the table, and trying to kiss me on the cheek and stuff...((Sigh)) After we ate, I convinced Kevin that I just needed a nap, and I'd meet them back up afterwards. So I went back to the hotel, and couldn't have been more relieved. I took another Xanax and got in bed. I was in and out for a couple hours. When I woke up I had texts from Izzie wanting to make plans for dinner, and I filled her in on my anxiety situation. She was sympathetic, and talked to me for a bit, so that helped. After a while, I started feeling better, and actually felt a bit bored. So I toyed with the idea of getting up and going back out to meet the guys. Then Kevin called and told me they were playing shuffleboard at this place we'd been at the night before, and he missed me and blabla. Then he says, "My friends think you don't like me that much." And I was like, "Damn those perceptive fuckers!" to myself of course, lol. What I actually said was, "Dude, I can't really explain this very well to you, but I was having bad anxiety this morning, and I've told you multiple times that I don't like PDA. And since when are you gonna let these 2 dudes dictate my feelings?" And he was like, "Ok, you're right."

Lane was texting me again, because I told him I was in Austin, and how our flight was at 7am the next morning. He suggested I just ride it out and not sleep, which is something you could conceivably do in NOLA, cuz some of the bars never close, but not in Austin. Then I ended up telling him the situation with Kevin.

Note that the drugs he's referring to is some pot Kevin got from some random guy the night before. I didn't participate in that though. Lane didn't respond after that, so I got up and ralleyed. I felt tons better by the time I got there, physically, but now I felt like I had to be extra affectionate with Kevin or those dudes were gonna say something. ((eye roll)) I wasn't though. I was just normal. Truthfully, I think he's a really nice guy, but just too much for me right now. And being on that trip with him just made me think about Lane, constantly, and reminded me that I'm not over him. As much as I tried to distract myself, I was texting him the whole weekend, and trying to force something that just wasn't meant to be with Kevin. Maybe if Kevin and I had met 2 months from now... I don't know. But it was starting to really bother me that he was completely disregarding my feelings on the subject of PDA, and we ended up getting in a bit of an argument when we got back to the hotel around 12:30 that night. We didn't stay out late cuz our flight Saturday was was so early. FML. 

So we had just gotten out of the Uber and he's grabbing my ass and saying, "Why won't you kiss me?" And I'd just had it! Finally! 

I pushed him away and I was like, "Look. I've been telling you this for the past 2 days, and you just don't seem to be listening. This is all too much. It's too much! We don't know each other! I mean I came here to have a good time, and we did, and that's great, but this is probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done. And we still don't know each other. And I'm just not comfortable being like that with you and you keep pushing it! It's just too much too soon. And whatever I say, I can't win, because you'll probably be mad."

And he was like, "No, I'm not mad. That's cool, I get it. I'm sorry." But of course, he looked upset. ((sigh)). So the elevator ride back up to the hotel was awkward, I went in the bathroom, closed the door and got ready for bed, and when I came out, he was already basically asleep. I set the alarm and went to bed. 

When I got up (at fucking 5:45am), I had a response from Lane. It seemed slightly encouraging, although he was probably drunk when he typed it, but I wrote back. Then nothing.

The flights home went by pretty quickly cuz we both slept through them. And when Kevin's roommate picked us up from the airport, I just kept thinking, Almost there. Almost there, as I fantasized about being alone and in my bed with my furbabies. Then finally I was home, and I just slept. ((Sigh)) Alone at last.

UpDATE

Well the date with Kevin tonight went well, all things considered. It was a little awkward initially because we were both so aware of the fact that we hardly know each other, and we're about to spend like 48 nonstop hours together. Oh, and cuz we were both sober lol. But he is pretty easy to talk to, and very sweet and gentlemanly. I will just be a bit relieved once we get passed this "I still don't know you stage".
That's what was so nice about Lane. I really do know him! And I didn't have to worry about it being awkward or uncomfortable when we were together. ((Sigh)) I still think about him a lot. I miss him. I miss our late night FaceTime's and our text conversations that went on for days. I miss just being able to ask him anything about anything and not feel weird about it. Now it's like the opposite of that. I feel like if I reach out to him, or try to put things back the way they were before he came here, it will make me seem desperate and lonely. I know I need to stop agonizing over this and move on, but I care about him a lot. And I can stop talking to him and try to put him out of my mind and go on trips with other guys but...he's still there, in the back of my mind, just waiting until I let my guard down to resurface. And the idea of being intimate with someone else so soon after him feels...wrong. It feels like I'm not ready. Which is true, I'm not. I don't want to rush into sex with the next person, whoever that may be.

Am I Crazy, Or What?

First thing's first. I deleted Tinder. NO MORE TINDER. Ugh. Anyway...

Yesterday afternoon, after work, I met my friend Lauren at this bar cuz she wanted to watch the Broncos game. She was hoping this guy she likes would meet her there, but had a feeling he would cancel and she didn't wanna go alone. I wasn't really that interested in the game, but I had nothing else going on so I figured what the hell! We were 2 of only 4 people that were there at the time, lol, but Lauren knows all the bartenders that work there because she used to hang out there so much. So we hung out, watched the game, and had a couple beers. Right around the time the game ended, the bartenders had a shift change, and a new guy came on. Kevin. And he was HOT. 6'4", nice smile, beautiful creamed coffee skin. He's black, and I've never actually dated a black guy. Not because I haven't wanted to, I just...never have! Although there was that one brief makeout sesh I had with the DJ who worked at my bar in Chicago...lol. Anyway, shortly after he got there, Kevin gave us a round of shots. Then Lauren heard from her dude, and he was asking her to come over. So she wanted to leave! I begged to her to stay, because after taking that shot, I was in no fit state to drive, and of course, I didn't want her to leave me alone at this bar! But Kevin said he'd keep me company, so Lauren left and I stayed. I texted my roommate, Jenn, and told her to take the ferry over and meet us, hoping she could drive us home in my car. So Kevin gave me another shot and we chatted and hung out till Jenn arrived. The night went on basically like that for a while, and then Kevin starts talking about how his birthday is this week and he's going to Austin. And I was like, "Oh!  That's so awesome, I love Austin!" And he was like, "Yea, I've never been. You wanna come?" And I was like, "Uhhhh...what?" And I'm like really buzzed at this point, and of course Kevin and I have been flirting, but that was just very unexpected. Well then he says if I come with him, he'll buy my plane ticket. And Jenn is like "Just go! What else do you have going on?" And I'm like, "Well...let me check with my boss." So I texted him asking him what are the chances I could have a couple days off this weekend, and he said, "Do what you wanna do." 

So then Kevin comes back from the other end of the bar where he was helping people, and he's like, "Well, what did your boss say?" And I told him, and he was like, "Sweet, let's book it!" And he did!!

He bought me a plane ticket right then and there on his phone behind the bar. I still kinda can't believe it. Well then I went to bathroom, and I guess Jenn was talking to him about me, cuz when I came back, she told me he asked her all kinds of questions about me like, "Is she real? There has to be SOMETHING wrong with her! Why is she single?"

And she told him I don't hit the bar scene much, and I don't meet a lot of people cuz of my job, and that if he's just looking for a one night stand type thing, then he should look elsewhere. I'm SO glad she told him that too, cuz I am gonna be traveling and staying in a hotel with a guy I BARELY know, and I don't wanna hook up with him just to hook up with him. I wanna get to know him, and see if the chemistry we have could be more than just physical attraction. But she said he responded positively to that, and that he's not looking for just a hookup.

Throughout the night, Kevin kept taking my hands and holding them from across the bar, and randomly kissing me on the cheek. And he kept telling me my eyes were mesmerizing. 😍I don't do so well with compliments. I never know how to respond! I'm pretty sure I just blushed. But he was acting really into me, and I'm just not used to that I guess. It almost makes me uncomfortable.

After a while, Jenn got bored cuz she wasn't really drinking, since she had to be the D.D. (which she wasn't thrilled about. She kept saying I lured her there under false pretenses lol.) So I asked Kevin if we could close our tab, but he refused to let us pay for anything. Then he came out from behind the bar to hug me goodbye, and he kissed me! On the lips! Not like a makeout kiss, just a short, tender one, on the lips. It was nice! And he's sooooo tallllll I LOVE IT. Then he said he'd like to get together this week before we leave for Austin, which of course, I agreed was a good idea. So he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow night!

This morning, he even texted me, first thing: Good morning pretty lady. Happy Monday 😘

I'm still a little freaked out that I did something so impulsive. I mean it's great to be spontaneous, and I told myself I was gonna go out and do more things, but...I'm just so surprised at myself! He's like a complete stranger! If it wasn't for the fact that Lauren has known him for years, and she told me he's a really good guy, then I never would have agreed to it. But, everything happens for a reason, right?? I'll keep you posted on our date tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

Next Time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Well, not really posted. I have a lot to write about actually, I just...haven't really been in the mood to blog. But now I have lots to write about so here goes...

Things with Todd and I have not improved. At all. In fact, I would say they're much worse. Apparently Laura told him about our conversation a few months ago, and not only did she make me out to be the devil's advocate, but she completely forgot to mention all the talking she did as well. ((Sigh)) It wasn't even like we were sitting there talking shit about Todd, we were just...commiserating. But it's my fault for thinking I could seek solace in my best friend's ex girlfriend. So now he thinks that I said he's turned into this huge, stuck-up, douchebag, famewhore. Ugh. And I even told him that I'm really truly sorry for saying anything at all, even though it wasn't that. And he just said, "I'm not mad, I'm just shocked. Sorry doesn't cut it."
So...WTF? What else can I do??
So I just said, "Well there's nothing else I can do or say, Todd. Either you accept my apology or you don't. Is this something we're gonna be able to get past? Because I just wish things could go back to the way they were."
To which he replied, "Yes, but I don't wanna think about this right now. I just need some time."
That was like 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

But, even though my relationship with Todd is heading in a southerly direction, one of my other friendships has improved. I met up with Law School finally, and we hashed everything out. I told him that I knew about the text messages between he and Melissa, and the shit talking, and the lying, and hiding things from me. He sincerely apologized and said the only reason he didn't tell me, was because he believed he was doing the right thing. He said since Melissa and I had been friends for longer than Law School and I, he thought it was only fair to defer to me and Melissa's friendship, and she didn't want to tell me. Although I don't think I would have done the same thing in that situation, I just decided I'm not going to dwell on it. I mean, he obviously felt bad, and put in the effort to show me he felt bad, so I should just forgive and forget, right? He and Melissa hardly even talk anymore, he said. But that doesn't matter either. He and I have texted back and forth a few times through out the week, and he's called me a couple times. So things between he and I are back to normal, I would say.

In other news, lots of stuff coming up! This coming Monday is my bar's annual boat party/staff outing! I'm so excited! and then on Thursday, I leave for Orlando to go to Harry Potter Wizarding World with Dad and Sophie!!! I'm even more excited for that! Oh, and did I tell you I bought my plane ticket to Chicago for Christmas?? :D
I only have one more month of working at my day job. I can't wait till September, ahhh! I'll have my life back again! When I'm in Chicago, Sophie and I are going to visit 2 campuses of schools that I'm interested in. And once I have my days free I'm going to start spending a lot more time thinking about schools, and working on my photography portfolio. Only problem is, my lease is about to be up, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that... But that's another can of worms I'm just not ready to acknowledge yet.

Oh, and I supposed I should update you guys on Kevin. I have no updates. ((Sigh)) I stopped texting him, and he stopped texting me. Of course it was always me initiating it, so that was a red flag right there. I did run into him last night and it was just...meh. No butterflies or anxiety about seeing him, just "hey". So it's definitely over between us, if there ever was anything to end. Oh well. Better luck next time?

What's Going On With My Guys??

A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 days, surprisingly, so I'm just going to start from the beginning.

Tuesday after work, I went up to my bar because they were testing out some new menu items and the managers asked us to come try it out. So Ali and I met up, and decided to hang out at my bar till the industry party, which didn't start till 11. I almost changed my mind about going, but I was already out, so I figured what the hell.
So Ali and I were sitting in a booth, chatting and killing time, and we were both messing around on Facebook, when I noticed some pictures of Todd and Laura. Together! So I immediately texted Laura, to find out if they were back together, and she said that yes, they had started talking again, and things were going great. And you have no idea how relieved and happy I was to hear this, because...after everything that's happened, I do think that Laura is the best thing for Todd right now. I don't know about for forever, but for now I think she's good for him. And they make each other happy, so I'm happy. So I sent Todd a text message...
"Hey Todd! I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but Laura told me you 2 are talking again and I just wanted to tell you that I think that's so great and I'm really, truly happy for you guys!"

Then he responded with,

"I'm not gonna lie Peyton, I'm a little hurt by what I've heard. She told me that you called her telling her that I was dating a girl with STDs and that I had changed a lot with the whole NFL mentality. What hurts the most is that you told her a month after we had supposedly resolved things. Then I flew in and out just for your birthday cause I wanted to show you how much our friendship meant to me. That's why I haven't talked to you, just didn't know what to say..."

I was so shocked and hurt when I read that. I mean...I thought we were past this? And honestly, I can't even remember exactly what I said to Laura that day she called me. But I know I didn't tell her he was dating someone with STDs! Maybe I might have said something jokingly, or flippant, and she took it the wrong way, but I wouldn't have said that to her, even if it was true, because that would only hurt her feelings. So I wrote back,

"What?? I never said you were dating a girl with stds, I don't know who has stds or not. Honestly I do think you've changed though, not necessarily for the worst, just different. You're more distant. I don't have any feelings for you in that way anymore, and I've figured out a lot of things. I was afraid of losing you as a friend and as an important person in my life and so I thought I must have romantic feelings for you. But in retrospect, I realize that we don't have that kind of chemistry. I love you as a friend and just want you to be happy. I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Laura. And I hope for that reason, you don't feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING that happened last Feb. Laura and I did talk twice. Once on FB and once she called me and we just talked...as girls. No shit talking about you. I'm sorry that you think that. But ever since the Jayme situation I've felt very discredited as far as you're concerned. It's like you don't believe anything I say anymore."

Todd: Well that's what she said, she would have no reason to lie. Same stuff I heard from you directly while everything was going on...

Me: I'm not going to play he said she said. Believe what you want, Todd. All of that shit is in the past. I don't even think about it anymore. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. Your prerogative. Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you

Todd: Ok well thank you, with the family, let's talk soon.

Me: Ok

((Sigh))
I tried to put our conversation out of my mind after that, in order to have a good time, but I definitely thought about it most of yesterday. And today, I talked to Bethany about it, and she said I should definitely call him, or run the risk of him thinking I don't really care. So I sent him another text about 20 minutes ago, that said,

"Hey Todd. I know you're upset, and you think all these shiteous things about me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. About everything. I'm not going to try to justify my actions or even explain myself, because I feel like that would be pointless. I meant what I said about being happy for you and Laura. I really do just want the best for you. I hate arguing, or whatever it is we're doing, with you. It's just not in our dynamic. And I just...don't want to do it anymore."

Now I'm just waiting for him to respond. So! Back to Tuesday night.
I did go to the industry party, and it sucked. Ali and I went together, but it ended up just being she and I, then Greg, and his girlfriend, and Brandon. So it was really awkward. And the party itself was lame, there was no free anything, like there usually is at those kind of things, so I ended up going home around 12:30, feeling rather blue. It's still too weird for me to be around Brandon in a small group. Work is one thing but...I dunno. I just couldn't stomach it.

So yesterday, Wednesday, I texted with Kevin all day, again, waiting and wondering if and when he was ever going to ask me out, and starting to lose my patience! And I also sent a text message to Evan, who I haven't heard from in like a million years! I've been pestering him for the past week, but he hasn't been in touch. Loser! On my way home from work, he finally called me! He said he's been busy with work, and he doesn't really go out anymore, he's practically married, etc... It was kind of sad talking to him, just because we've drifted apart so much, and he's moved on to the next stage in life, and I haven't. ((Sigh))
But at least we finally talked. He said he was afraid I was going to yell at him for being MIA for so long, and I said, "Well that wasn't so bad, was it?" And he laughed, and promised to keep in touch.

When I got home, I finally just sucked it up and asked Kevin if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he took so long to respond, that I was already mentally writing him off, when he finally wrote back.

"Yes, does tomorrow count as the weekend? lol. My buddy is having his bach party in Vegas Friday-Sunday. I'd like to hang out though."

So I wrote back, "I suppose tomorrow can count ;)"

We chatted back and forth a bit more, but he didn't say anything else about us hanging out. So now we have these tentative plans for this afternoon, but I'm almost halfway expecting him to blow me off or something. ((sigh)) Ugh...

Ok so this morning, when my alarm went off, I reached over to my phone, to silence it, and noticed that I had 3 text messages.
From Law School.
That immediately woke me up.

LS: Hey...I know you don't want to talk to me. But, I actually have friends visiting from home this weekend, the first guy got in town tonight and I brought him to [my bar].
LS: I thought of you...just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you. I just got my own place, maybe you can come by sometime, or I'll see you otherwise. Ciao!
LS: And...I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I've held that in for a while, but I mean it.

So I laid in bed, thinking about what he said, and mulling things over, and I decided I should talk to him. Finally. Maybe he really is sorry. And he's definitely put in the effort to talk to me, so I should give him a second chance. ((Sigh))

So when I got to work this morning, I wrote him back...

Me: I think you misunderstand my reasons for not talking to you, [Law School]. My feelings being hurt is just...collateral damage. If you want to talk, then you better be prepared to listen.

LS: Fair enough, I will always listen no matter how bad it is, as long as it is talking, not yelling.

Me: I wasn't planning to yell, or talk shit. Just enlighten you.

LS: I understood. :) Just putting the caveat out there. How have you been otherwise?

Me: Swell.

LS: Swell as in good or swell as in the water is rising?? Haha

Me: You realize I can't just sit here and make cutsie banter with you until we hash this out, right?? Because I'm willing to talk, but I haven't decided about anything else yet. And you might not even WANT to talk to me again.

LS: Haha. I'm very aware. What I've always like about you, Peyton, is that you don't let me press buttons. I respect that, because I'll try just to see if I can.

LS: And, to be completely honest, I'm not worried about not wanting to talk to you. I think I'm pretty objective about things and have no problem saying, "my fault".

Me: Ok then.

LS: Ok, next week. Or maybe Sunday. You can pick the battle zone :)


I haven't responded to his last text yet, because I haven't decided when or where I want to meet up with him, but...I think at least this is headed in the right direction. It will feel good to finally explain to him that it wasn't him dating Melissa that hurt me the most. It was them lying to me and hiding it from me, and talking shit about me behind my back! So I'll definitely keep you guys posted on that.

But mostly, I'm worried about my relationship with Todd. I just want things to go back the way they were, before I ever told him I had feelings for him. It was stupid. I was stupid. I ruined everything. Now what??

Read Between The Lines

Ok it's been almost a week since Kevin and I went out, and he hasn't asked me out since! What the hell??? He texts me like all day, every day, but never says anything about us hanging out. I just can't get a read on him. Is he just too shy? Too busy? Or is he not that into me. I think I may have to go back and read that book, He's Just Not That Into You and build up some resolve. ((Sigh))
Tonight I'm going to some industry party for Grand Marnier with my coworkers, so that should be fun. It's been a while since I've been to one of those, and the always promise a good time! My only concern is getting home early enough (and sober enough) to get up in time for work tomorrow morning.
Speaking of work, I've decided I'm quitting my day job. It's just time for me to move on. I'm not happy here, and I'm wasting just as much time in this crap job as I was bartending. And I just can't seem to get anything done as long as I'm working these crazy 50 hour work weeks. So I'm going to put in my 2 weeks when I get back from my vacation in Orlando, and I'm going to go back to bartending full time, while I apply for schools and visit campuses. I've already talked to Mr. P about it, and he suggested I come back when football season starts, because they'll have more hours, and that way I won't have to struggle to pay my bills. So that's my plan. And I feel really good about it actually. Just knowing that I've made the decision.
I've been looking into schools in Chicago, Seattle and Boston. Big cities, where I won't mind moving by myself. Even though I will have Sophie, Brent and Taylor in Chicago, if that's where I end up going. And that's definitely my first choice. But now I have to start preparing a portfolio. And that's not going to be easy. I'm already stressing out about it. Ugh...
Sunday night, I met up with Taryn, her old friend Christa, who is awesome, and this guy she's kind of talking to, Brad. I really like Brad too. He's funny, and nice, and easy to talk to. They dated before, but Taryn wasn't ready for a relationship, so she broke it off with him, but now they're talking again. So anyways, I met the 3 of them at a wine bar in the Heights, and we had a great time just talking and hanging out. After that, we walked down to a restaurant down the way, and JC met us all there for dinner. I texted Kevin while we were there, because we just happened to be walking distance from his apartments. I told him he should meet us, and he said he was really considering it, but was too tired, sunburned, and busy with unpacking. He went to Austin this past weekend, and spent the whole time out on Lake Travis, so I guess that's understandable. But after that, I decided I'm not going to invite him out again, or suggest I come over and help him unpack, even if it did work last time. I'm just going to wait for him to make the next move, as annoying as that is.
I do think I will mention the industry party to Dave, and see if I can't get him to go, and bring Kevin. Lol. Passive aggressive, I know, but oh well. Wish me luck!

Meet Kevin

OH.MY.GOD.

THAT was/is my first reaction to Kevin. He is SOOO different from what I was expecting, but in a good way! A pleasantly surprising way actually.
First of all, he's totally loaded. I mean I knew he had money, but I didn't know he would be that well off. So that definitely took me be surprise. It's almost a little intimidating, because I'm definitely not rich, and the richest guy I've ever dated was Friend Boy. I dunno if you guys remember him, but he was a little too...flashy with his money. And it was annoying. But Kevin is totally not like that. He dresses like a surfer/skater dude or something. Stylish, but understated. Granted, he does live in a high rise corner apartment, 2 bedroom, 2 bath, with a breathtaking view of the downtown skyline, by himself, and he drives a Mercedes E-Class Coupe, and a Mini Cooper, but still those are all things that I obviously would not have known, had I not been to his house yesterday.
Second, he talks, practically nonstop! Which is great, because conversation flowed easily, and we talked about all kinds of things, and there were no awkward silences.
Third, he has more kitchen appliances and gadgets than James Bond and Martha Stewart put together. Lol. Our project yesterday was to unpack and organize his kitchen, and he literally has everything that makes anything. Lol, salad maker, egg cooker, juicer, the fanciest toaster oven I've ever seen... Sheesh! Apparently he cooks. Oh, and he had like...FIFTY bottles of wine in his pantry!! He said he collects it. And collect he does, it's almost as bad as me and books.
And finally, he's an even bigger dork than I thought he was. I mean, all the kitchen appliances were my first clue. But after talking to him a while, I started to notice how animated and excited he would get when talking about certain things, the way a computer nerd gushes about motherboards or something. Sometimes, it was as if he were talking to me like an old friend, and I got to see who he really is, ya know? But he definitely had me laughing a lot, and I definitely had a good time. After we unpacked all his kitchen boxes, he took me out for sushi. And he opened the car door for me. Both times. Very chivalrous. He ordered like 10 things off the menu, and insisted that I try one of everything he ordered. Lol. And we sat and just talked. He's from New York, moved here for work, and been here for 3 years. He literally knows like all my Houston friends. In fact, he started a limo company, and Mr. P, Frank, and The Albanian are some of his business partners! What a small world...
And I just kept marveling at how it happened that we only just met, and he just said he's not a big party goer. He knows all the people, but he's more of a behind the scenes kinda guy. So that's cool. I definitely don't wanna date someone who's huge into bar scene, but I do wanna be able to go out and have a good time with a guy, when the mood strikes. So he pretty much meets all of my qualifications!
But there is something. One small, tiny thing that kinda bugs me. There's just something about him that seems...less than confident. I don't know why, but that lack of outward confidence makes me feel like maybe he's not masculine enough? And I know that's totally shallow, and nit picky of me to say, it's just...I dunno. I guess I had to find something wrong with him, right?
Well as we were pulling up to his apartments after dinner, he asked if I'd be up for a Round 2 of unpacking, because he "could definitely use the help", and I readily agreed. We both have pretty busy weekends ahead, I'm working today and tomorrow, and he might be heading to Austin, but I'm confident that we'll get together again soon. I have a good feeling about this one. :)

So I Met This Guy...

So my 4th of July weekend was pretty relaxed. Well...most of it anyway. Bethany and I finally talked and worked things out. Apparently we'd both been feeling a little slighted by each other. And we both apologized and promised to hang out and call each other more. And so far, so good!
Sunday, a small group of us went out on the boat, but we didn't bring the wakeboards or the tube or anything cuz we figured there would be too many people out on the lake. Even though it ended up being a very quiet day at the lake. But we just docked on the sandbar and hung out. We only stayed for a few hours, since we didn't really have anything to do, so we got back well before dark. Then we all went home, washed up and met for dinner. Summer had to leave early to go to work, but Bethany and I, Ben, and some of his friends all headed out to the Washington strip for drinks. I wasn't intending to stay out too late, because even though I didn't have to go to work the next day, I figured I would anyway, just to get the hours.
But then I met Kevin. Lol. Kevin is a friend of a friend, and as it turns out, we have a lot of friends in common, including Bethany, and I still can't fathom how it is that we've never met before now! But I saw Bethany stop to say hi to him, and when she got back to the table, I immediately asked her who he was. He's about 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, a boyish smile, and a great sense of style. Meaning, he doesn't go out in True Religion jeans and a button up shirt like every other douchebag on Washington.
So as soon as I expressed my interest to Bethany, she insisted we go over and talk to them, so that I could meet him. And we did! After a while, Bethany left us to go back to the table where Ben and his friends were sitting, but I stayed to hang out with Kevin and Dave, our mutual friend. Dave tends to get a little crazy when he drinks, ordering shots for everyone, etc. And I was feeling a little tired, so we immediately took a couple shots, "to wake me up". Haha. It wasn't exactly the right setting for Kevin and I to sit and talk, but Dave insisted that I go with them to the next bar. So I said I would talk to my friends, and hopefully meet them there. And they left.
Well, when we got to the next bar, they had already moved on! And I had no idea where they'd gone, so I texted Dave. And he must have been a bit tipsy by this point, because as many time as I told him I didn't drive, and I didn't have a car, he kept telling me to come meet them at Nox. And Nox was not walking distance from where I was! Finally Dave said his phone was about to die, and to text Kevin. He gave me Kevin's number, and I immediately texted him. But by this time, it was about 1am. Bethany had already turned in for the night, and I ended up running into a bunch of people from my bar, so I just hung out with them. Kevin was texting me that he wanted to come meet me, but he couldn't find Dave, and he needed to close the tab.
Well, at the end of the night, we were still texting, but I never saw him again, and I ended up going home, still with good intentions of going to work the next day.
Yea, that didn't happen! Lol. I was way too tired when my alarm went off, three and a half hours later! So I just stayed home. Oh well, National Holiday, I thought to myself as I rolled over and went back to sleep.

So the past 3 days that have gone by, Kevin and I have been texting each other back and forth. And I've been trying, quite unsuccessfully, to get a read on him. I even tried pumping Dave for information, but he was no help. He just kept telling me to "hang out with him, make friends, and see what happens." Or to just "get drunk and have sex with him. Bahaha." ((sigh))
And although Kevin has continued to engage me in text message conversations, there hasn't been any talk of hanging out! So by yesterday afternoon I was really starting to lose my patience with him. So finally I just asked, "Sooo...did you wanna hang out or something, or what?"
Kevin: Yes, I do...
Kevin: I have to get fitted for new running shoe inserts at 6-7.
Me: Lol you're a dork. Well I didn't mean like...right now.
Kevin: Haha ya, a huge dork.
Me: Well don't worry, we have that in common.
Kevin: Well I'm taking back the huge dork part, maybe just a little. haha.
Me: Awe!

At this point, I went over to Bethany's to have dinner and hang out, since she was leaving for Florida, to visit her boyfriend the next day. So Kevin didn't respond for a while. But then around 8, I got another text from him.

Kevin: Got my new sneakers you want to run in the rain?!
Me: Lol it's not raining anymore!

Another hour goes by...

Kevin: You missed the run and I still have no help unpacking.
Me: Ahh that's a shame! Well I was helping Bethany pack for her trip. I can help you unpack tomorrow if ya want!
Kevin: Sounds like a great idea!

Kevin is in the process of moving into a new place, so he's been spending most of his free time moving and unpacking boxes, with no help. :( So the other day, I told him I might be persuaded to help him unpack, and he said, "I think I can work on that!"

So we finally have plans tonight! I think... I hope...
I'm gonna take it slow with him. Bethany said he's a relationship kinda guy, and Dave said he's not a player, and I dunno, I think I'm a relationship kinda girl. So I'm just gonna see what happens. I'm obviously NOT going to sleep with him, but a kiss? Maybe... :)

I'll keep you guys posted!